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GLRPE TM MMXI T-Rex: The number of Spider-men depends on the number of real-life superpower-granting spiders, which I'm pretty sure is zero. The number of Hulks depends on the number of gamma bomb blasts granting superpowers, which, again: zero. / T-Rex: This DOES explain why no Spider-men Hulks have tried to steal my girlfriend!! / T-Rex:But it makes things pretty depressing. Watch an action movie and you can thin "That could be me, if my chums and I were ever sent into space to blow up an asteroid." But there's no way I can become Spider-man OR Hulk! Or Flash. Or Green Lantern or even Black Canary. / T-Rex: *sigh* / Utahraptor: You could still become Green Lantern, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Really?! / Utahraptor: Sure! He's given powers through an alien ring, so really you just need a slightly modified Drake Equation that incorporates the odds of strangers giving you stuff. / T-Rex: And by making myself more charismatic, I increase that chance, which thereby increases my Green Lantern Ring Potential!! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Oh, will you look at that! NONE of my fingers have rings on them! Gosh, that's a lot of potential / T-Rex: As much as my personal potential for fighting crime and righting wrongs, I gotta say!
this comic should not be taken as actual incitement to kill billionaires and train their children, dinosaur comics international hereby comes down strongly in favour of living T-Rex: Maybe I've been taking the wrong approach with trying to work out the odds of superheroes. Statistics are passive! It's time for ACTION. It's time for me to START KILLING BILLIONAIRES. / T-Rex: It's time for me to start up charities that offer bereaved children peak physical conditioning! / T-Rex: It's time for me to start blowing up planets that orbit distant red suns and expose others to gamma radiation and cosmic rays, just in case! / Dromiceiomimus: Don't you mean expose yourself? / T-Rex: Nope! If I expose myself I might get superpowers, and would this be unable to focus on giving OTHER people superpowers. / T-Rex: I'm very selfless that way, Dromiceiomimus. / T-Rex: Some women find that sexy. / Utahraptor: Couldn't you use your superpowers to give others superpowers more effectively though? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm suprised at you! / T-Rex: Clearly the only ethical thing to do with superpowers is fight crime. / Utahraptor: But the greater good could be served by granting further ? / T-Rex: DON'T YOU THINK SUPERMAN WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT?? BECAUSE I KINDA THINK SUPER INTELLIGENCE WOULD THINK OF THAT. / T-Rex: UNLESS YOU'RE SUGGESTING SUPERMAN DIDN'T THINK OF THAT BECAUSE THE COMICS ARE WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY NON-SUPERMAN ENTITIES, IN WHICH CASE I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, UTAHRAPTOR: / T-Rex: {{in italics}} HOW WOULD THEY KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING??
The most confusing part of this, Utahraptor, is why our culture is so big into horses. We're way too big to even get on them. It's definitely a head scratcher for sure. T-Rex: "Don't change horses in mid-stream"? Ladies and gentlemen: it's the future. We've sent ROBOT SPACESHIPS to MARS. I hate to be the one to say this, but - / T-Rex: Why are we still talking about horses? / T-Rex: Let's fix our adages! Let's update our language! Let's replace "Don't change horses in mid-stream" with "Horses: who's riding them? Nobody??" / Dromiceiomimus: You'll have a lot of updating to do, T-Rex! Dead horses get beaten while gift horses get looked in the mouth, which, INCIDENTALLY, is also where reliable information comes straight from! / Utahraptor: Yeah! Maybe you should get off your high horse before you put the cart before that same horse! / T-Rex: That's only like TWO examples. / Utahraptor: "Champing at the bit"? HORSES. "Betting on the wrong horse"? HORSES. "Driving across town to pony up some money to a woman in ponytails"? T-REX, 3 HORSES TEAMED UP IN THAT SENTENCE. / T-Rex: And I guess we DO measure the output of machines in terms of how many imaginary horses it'd take to beat them. / T-Rex: So what other animals are we big into? Geese? From "wild goose chase"? / Utahraptor: That's actually a METAPHORICAL goose, referring to a horse. I'm not even joking. The more you look at English, the more you realize: / Utahraptor: It's - / Utahraptor: It's horses all the way down.
is it non-canon because the exhibit ACTUALLY closes in two hours T-Rex: It turns out horses aren't the only inspiration English uses for its idioms. We also use...doors? / T-Rex: OPPORTUNITY knocks on doors, you guys! / T-Rex: And when Opportunity closes a door, it also opens another. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, it opens a window. / Dromiceiomimus: These could be classified equally well as "idioms involving abstract concepts somehow granted agency". / T-Rex: Ooh! Like when Fortune favours the bold! Or when an ounce of Prevention is better than a pound of Cure! / Utahraptor: ...Gross. / T-Rex: Yeah, that's - that turned out gross. / Utahraptor: Anyway! I think all we can conclude is that folks talk about the things around them, and horses were around us for a really long time. and THAT suggests that millions of years from now, there'll be lots of aphorisms about transporters, spacebots, and cyberdroids! / T-Rex: AWESOME / T-Rex: I CAN'T WAIT / Narrator: MILLIONS OF YEARS LATER: / Museum Curator: Attention patrons: / Museum Curator: Our paleontology exhibit closes in five minutes
as payment for this comic you now all owe me a coke T-Rex: You know what I miss? / T-Rex: I miss the days when you could do a favour for an animal, and it would repay you with a story! / Narrator: I THINK YOU MEAN YOU MISS THE FICTIONAL STORIES WHERE THAT HAPPENS / T-Rex: Whatever! I love the idea of a world where good stories have such value, such POWER, that they could be offered as payment. Imagine living where good stories are currency, and so welcome that stories are listened to right away! / I'd be all, "Thanks for the Coke! Here's the tale of how the frog lost his voice." / Utahraptor: Wouldn't good storytellers want to help out their friends with a few stories? / T-Rex: Sure! / Utahraptor: And maybe some of these friends would write down the stories. And then set up stores to sell them. "Book" "stores", if you will! T-Rex: YOU ALREADY LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE STORIES HAVE VALUE. You've paid for them! / T-Rex: *gasp* / Utahraptor: And if you barter with a book, you're trading a story for something - literally! / T-Rex: OMG I'm totally going to do that!! / T-Rex: Also sorry for saying "OMG" in real life / T-Rex: OMG I'm reevaluating some life choices right now
later: t-rex's lunch burns because he forgot it and he's all, MAN, SCREW US T-Rex: The royal "we" is used by monarches, popes, and also by dinosaurs named T-Rex. THAT IS ME, BY THE WAY. / T-Rex: Or should I say... that is US?? / T-Rex: We thing this is great, Dromiceiomimus! All our opinions sound much more important, now that they come from a grammatical PLURALITY. It's just classier to say "WE ate too much and had to go to bed early" than "I"! We did, by the way, Dromiceiomimus. We made some mistakes at dinnertime. / Dromiceiomimus: We understand, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Oh man, you're doing the "we" thing too? I mean, um, you babes are doing the "we" thing too? / Utahraptor: I think it just extends to pronouns: one of the several reasons you shouldn't call Dromiceioimimus "you babes"! / T-Rex: You guys think so? / Utahraptor: Yeah, and ALSO, we guys are worried you're going to end up sound patronizing, like you're talking to a dog. "Aren't we just the cutest little puppy? Yes we are! Yes we are!" / T-Rex: We assure you we are not the cutest little puppy. We are the awesomest giant T-Rex; yes we are. Yes: we are. / Narrator: LATER: EVERYONE GETS TIRED OF T-REX'S "WE"AND DECIDES TO HANG OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE / T-Rex: A question for us! Do we missing having friends? / T-Rex:SOMETIMES we does, yes
really not sure of the way to write "I'm sorry"s, but that's what I've landed on and I'm sticking with it. "I'M SORRIES" DOESN'T MAKE ANY GRAMMATICAL SENSE YOU GUYS T-Rex: Aw geez. Okay. / T-Rex: The sender of this card is REALLY SORRY. / Narrator: I HEARD YOU HAVING SEX LAST NIGHT / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: The sender of this card wants you to know they couldn't help listening in. The sound was, like - everywhere. And the sender of this card is still thinking about it the next day, enough to send you this web card. But let's not make things "weird", okay? Let's ALL just get past this. / Dromiceiomimus: Wouldn't the very act of sending this card make things weird? / T-Rex: IMPOSSIBLE / Utahraptor: Yeah, the rules are that you pretend you didn't hear! Then you NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. / T-Rex: Maybe it keeps happening! / T-Rex: Maybe the sender of this card knows every time it happens because it's like a radio broadcast they can't turn off, only the radio is broadcasting moans and groans and "I'm sorry"s and "Bombs away!"s. / Utahraptor: ... / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I COULD HEAR IT AND I WASN'T EVEN IN THE SAME HOUSE AS THE SENDER OF THIS CARD / T-Rex: Anyway, dear loud sexin' recipient of this card! LIKE, EVERYONE HEARD YOU / T-Rex: ...Not sure what else there is to say really, check yourself before you wreck yourself
um but i wanted kittens Narrator: THE WORLD OF TOMORROW / T-Rex: We detect evidence of alien life tomorrow: a signal from a distant solar system. It starts out simple: numbers, counting, that sort of thing! / T-Rex: And then it starts to get more advanced, encoding mathematics! / T-Rex: And then: instructions for decoding images that are about to be transmitted. In a few months we go from hoping we're not alone to knowing that intelligent life is out there, and they're about to show us what they look like! / Dromiceiomimus: And what do they look like? / T-Rex: WHO KNOWS? / T-Rex: We're at the very frontier of imagination here, Dromiceiomimus!! / Utahraptor: Maybe they look like...puppies? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! NO WAY aliens look like puppies! / Utahraptor: For generations we've wondered if we're alone in the universe; today we know the answer: no. We're not alone. Life is out there, and it's puppies. Our universe is teeming with puppies. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Fine, I accept this version of events / Narrator: THE END
based on my real-life pal OLIVER; i got OPINIONS on who he spends QUALITY TIME with T-Rex: A friend of mine has started dating a new woman! A new woman named...DROMICEIOMIMUS?? / T-Rex: And she's not even the REAL Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: This friend has failed to consider that I, like all REASONABLE individuals, have only enough room in my heart and mind for ONE friend of the same name! Dromiceiomimus, you don't know any other T-Rex, do you?? / Dromiceiomimus: Well, actually - / T-Rex: Exactly! "Well, actually - I totally do not, 100%." Thank you! / Utahraptor: It sounded like she was going to say she knows another T-Rex! / T-Rex: Ridiculous! / Utahraptor: Okay, I'll say it: I know another T-Rex. I don't know him SUPER well, but we've been on a few dates. / T-Rex: NO / Utahraptor: I've had him over for dinner a few times. / T-Rex: NOT ALLOWED / Utahraptor: Once I accidentally sent you a message meant for him. / T-Rex: THAT DOES EXPLAIN YOUR " THANKS FOR THE MOUTH KISSES ;Y" TEXT / T-Rex: ACTUALLY, ONLY PARTIALLY
my notes for this comic read "dromiceiomimus spends the night and utahraptor asks for a star wars analogy" Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / T-rex: Holy craps my house cold. My house so cold that I forgot to say "is" in both those sentences. That cold!! / God: HAVE YOU PAID YOUR HEATING BILLS T-REX / T-rex: Yes! / T-rex: Probably!! / T-rex: I don't get it. Hot air comes out of the heating vents but the place still stays cold. Have I a leaky, drafty house? If so, WHY HAVE I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE NOW? / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it was super cold last night! Next time you should put a space heater in your room or something! / Narrator: OH SNAP, THAT'S RIGHT. THEY SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER. / Narrator: EVERYONE: BE COOL / Utahraptor: Can you clarify how cold your house is, perhaps with a Star Wars analogy? / T-rex: Yes! / T-rex: My house is like the ice planet Hoth, in that my house is a ridiculous planet with only one climactic zone on it, and that zone is "CHILLYTIMES". / Utahraptor: I'm sorry to hear that. / T-rex: I am too. It cold. / Narrator: LATER: T-REX FIXES HIS LEAKY WINDOW AND SOLVES THE PROBLEM. THE END! / Narrator: PS / Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS AND T-REX WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR BEING COOL
my notes for this comic read "dromiceiomimus spends the night and utahraptor asks for a star wars analogy" Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / T-rex: Holy craps my house cold. My house so cold that I forgot to say "is" in both those sentences. That cold!! / God: HAVE YOU PAID YOUR HEATING BILLS T-REX / T-rex: Yes! / T-rex: Probably!! / T-rex: I don't get it. Hot air comes out of the heating vents but the place still stays cold. Have I a leaky, drafty house? If so, WHY HAVE I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE NOW? / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it was super cold last night! Next time you should put a space heater in your room or something! / Narrator: OH SNAP, THAT'S RIGHT. THEY SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER. / Narrator: EVERYONE: BE COOL / Utahraptor: Can you clarify how cold your house is, perhaps with a Star Wars analogy? / T-rex: Yes! / T-rex: My house is like the ice planet Hoth, in that my house is a ridiculous planet with only one climactic zone on it, and that zone is "CHILLYTIMES". / Utahraptor: I'm sorry to hear that. / T-rex: I am too. It cold. / Narrator: LATER: T-REX FIXES HIS LEAKY WINDOW AND SOLVES THE PROBLEM. THE END! / Narrator: PS / Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS AND T-REX WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR BEING COOL
The adventures of Ginger Peanut, Universe Destroyer God: T-REX YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS GINGER PEANUT / T-Rex: That's not an adult's nickname! That's what you call a little kid who investigates mysteries, only she's really just running around with a toy magnifying glass! / God: HAH HAH THAT'S ADORABLE / T-Rex: Okay, so give me a better one! / God: T-REX THERE ARE NO BETTER CHARACTERS THAN GINGER PEANUT / T-Rex: I meant a better nickname! / God: ONE DAY GINGER PEANUT'S DOG SPARKY GOES MISSING BUT REALLY HER DAD JUST TOOK HIM TO THE VET / God: GINGER PEANUT GOES ON A MYSTERY-SOLVING ADVENTURE AND AT THE END CHECKS THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND THERE IN THE HAMPER WITH A SOCK STUCK ON HIS EAR IS SPARKY / God: HER DAD BROUGHT HIM BACK FROM THE VET / T-Rex: Yeah, I got that! / Utahraptor: Got waht? / T-Rex: What God's saying! / God: ANOTHER TIME GINGER PEANUT SOLVES AN ACTUAL MYSTERY BY ACCIDENT AND THE MAYOR GIVES HER A BRAND NEW MAGNIFYING GLASS IN THANKS / T-Rex: He's talking up Ginger Peanut, Kid Detective! / Utahraptor: Sounds adorable! / T-Rex: It's not as adorable as thinking up new nicknames for ME could be / God: T-REX GIVE ME THREE GOOD REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T DESTROY THIS UNIVERSE IN FAVOR OF A NEW ONE FEATURING GINGER PEANUY AND SPARKY / T-Rex: Easy! / God: IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER / T-Rex: Well frig, THIS isn't gonna go well for Team Entire Universe!
anyway! who wants a massive hug?? T-Rex: Only chums wait for a nickname to coalesce around them naturally! As a non-chumpified guy, I'm CHOOSING my new nickname. / T-Rex: And I choose... "The Singularity"!! / Dromiceiomimus: Isn't the singularity when we invent superintelligent machines that can make even more superintelligent machines, and then everything speeds up? / T-Rex: It's SO GOOD, Dromiceiomimus. Futursits obsess over when the Singularity is going to show up. Academics have CONFERENCES to discuss me and what post-Singularity life will be like! What WILL life be like when I leave the room? WHO KNOWS?? / Utahraptor: You're an extremely disruptive, world-changing event that ends our dominance of the planet? / T-Rex: That's me, baby! / T-Rex: Lean, mean, and dangerous to know. ALSO: superintelligent. And beyond the reach of your precious "morality"! / Utahraptor: I'm still not calling you "The Singularity". Instead I will grant you a better nickname, to be decided only after careful deliberation! / Narrator: LATER: T-REX IS KNOWN ONLY AS "HUGGS BOSON" / T-Rex: Attention, everyone! Nicknames without consent are invalid!! / T-Rex: The "hugs" part works well though, I gotta admit!
based on true events? nope, i'm the best grandson there is and any non-grandmas who tell you otherwise are being MEAN T-Rex: It's my grandmother's birthday today! I'M going to call her to wish her happy birthday! I'm doing this because they don't give those "#1 Grandson" mugs to just anybody. / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / T-Rex: Frig, I forgot to call! / T-Rex: FFFFRRRIIII- / T-Rex: -IIIIG. Okay, I will call my Grandmother tonight and wish her happy birthday AND apologize for missing the right date! I can still pull this out! I'm not YET the worst grandson ever. / Dromiceiomimus: Why not call her now? / T-Rex: Time zones! So many of them! / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / Utahraptor: You forgot to call!! / T-Rex: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU- / T-Rex: -UNDAMENTALLY, I think my problem is, I remember to call her only after it's too late. What's wrong with me? / Utahraptor: Call her now! / T-Rex: There's stall all the time zones! I'm calling her TONIGHT. I 100% guarantee it!! / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / T-Rex: Grandma and I had a very pleasant chat! I apologized for missing the date and told her I hope her special day was a good one. That's called "BEING AN ADULT AND OWNING UP TO YOUR FAILINGS", SUCKERS! / T-Rex: Sorry I said "suckers", grandma.
WE CAN EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN ONLY ONCE PER UNIVERSE IF THAT / I JUST WISH IT WERE A BETTER GAME T-Rex: So I've been working on a little project: a secret internet diary! And today it's finished! / T-Rex: Today I have fully documented ONE WEEK of my life! / T-Rex: Granted, it's not THAT long a period but - / God: HOLD ON A SECOND T-REX THIS IS CRAZY / God: THIS IS INCREDIBLE / T-Rex The nap I described in the third post? Yes, it was stupen- / God: NO ID YOU TAKE THE RAW CODE OF YOUR DIARY PAGE CONVERT IT TO BINARY AND PUT IT IN ONE FILE IT'S / God:IT'S A FULLY FUNCTIONAL NES GAME / T-Rex: What? Seriously?! That's amazing!! / Utahraptor: What's amazing?! / T-Rex: Utahraptor: I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE AN NES GAME IN BINARY WHILE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF. The odds of that happening are ASTRONOMICALLY small!! My Week must really have been something! / Utahraptor: Holy cow! What's the game about?? / T-Rex: I don't know! I'm gonna go home and find out RIGHT NOW! / Narrator: AT T-REX'S HOUSE: / T-Rex: The activities of my last week have, incredibly, resulted in an entirely average game where you're Mario, wearing a Luigi hat, pouring applesauce on little happy-faced female symbols. / T-Rex: Life! It's confusing sometimes!
there's a parallel universe in which every person you've ever even considered asking out has come up and asked you out first. WITHOUT EXCEPTION. you've probably a pretty big ego in that universe, I gotta say. T-Rex: Let's assume the quantum mechanics many-worlds hypothesis is true, and for every decision I make, there's parallel universes where I'm making the decision differently, with every possible outcome being realized! / T-Rex: That's a lot of T-Rexes kicking around, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: But clearly, SOME of these decisions are going to be bad ones. If I'm making every possible choice, then I'm going to make mistaks so bad that they kill me. / Dromiceiomimus: I'd say that's fair! / T-Rex: Sure! But for every one of these choices-so-bad-they're-fatal, there's another universe in which it goes differently and I live. / Utahraptor:That's what many-worlds is all about! / T-Rex: But don't you see? / T-Rex: Try to kill me, and a parallel me survives! I have achieved QUANTUM IMMORTALITY, with at least one version of my consciousness surviving indefinitely. And there's a non-zero chance that I'M the immortal me! / Utahraptor: By that same reasoning, I'm just as immortal. / T-Rex: It's great, isn't it?! / T-Rex: Shoot me and I'll catch the bullets with my teeth, beat you up, spit the bullets on you and say "Next time, shoot me whhen I'm yawning". And if I don't do it in our universe, it's only buecause I'm doing doing it somewhere else! / T-Rex: Honestly, how is low self-esteem even a thing??
"Sure! But you probably find something in me that's worthwhile! Either that or you think I'm super hot and like having me around to stare at." T-Rex: I am a dude who adapts himself to the people around him. If I'm with party dudes, I am more likely to want to party! / T-Rex: There's no shame in this, on account of how PARTYING IS AWESOME?? / T-Rex: And when a party dude hangs out with his library friends, he quiets down and finds a book to read. So obviously the friends we choose influence what we do and who we become! And so OBVIOUSLY I want friends that are awesome, so that I can get, or at least emulate, some of their awesome qualities. I want friends who can improve who I am, as a person - and I believe I've pulled this off! / Utahraptor: Really? You think your friends are better than you? / T-Rex: Yes. Who doesn't? / T-Rex: Why would I want to hang out with chumps that are worse than me? That sounds terrible. / Utahraptor: But we're hanging out with you. / T-Rex: Sure! But you probably find something in me that's worthwile! / T-Rex: Either that or you haven't realized that I'm just leeching all the awesomeness I can until you're nothing but a desiccated corpse, with all the awesomeness subsumed into ME. / T-Rex: Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Forget I said that!!
tantalus later stole a SOLID GOLD DOG from the gods. tantalus: what is his DEAL? Narrator: THE STORY OF TANTALUS / T-Rex: So Tantalus was a Greek dude who threw a dinner party for the gods! And he thought to himself, "I need to make sure this party goes off without a hitch. I'm going to serve the PERFECT MEAL" / T-Rex: Accordingly, he kills his son, chops him up, and makes him into stew! / T-Rex: So the gods show up and they're thinking, "This is gross. This is a stew made out of a dude. PASS." except for one god whose daughter just go abducted so she's sad so she eats the stew? Because she's distracted? By sadness? Anyway after the party Zeus decides he has the technology to rebuild stew guy, and so he orders it done, only AN ENTIRE SHOULDER is missing because it got eaten. By a god. Because she was sad. / Utahraptor: So they get him a new shoulder made of ivory! / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: And clearly, THAT SOLVES ALL THE PROBLEMS. The kid grows up to be super handsome, and to punish Tantalus for his - hosting? - they put him in a pool of water just beneath the branches of a fruit tree. But when he tries to drink, the water moves away, and when he tries to eat, the branches move away! / T-Rex: Hence the origin of our word "tantalizing" for something desired but just out of reach! THE END. / T-Rex: PS: This is the Actual Theology of the seminal culture of western civilization.
a thank you at this point would be unexpected and startling! according to my research, you guys domesticated the horse and invented the plough. nice! we still use those! T-Rex: The population of the world in 400 BC is estimated to be 7 million people! 7 million dudes! / T-Rex: Dudes! That's not that many dudes! / T-Rex: For comparison, New York City is the entire population of 4000 BC all hanging out together. Last year, apple talked everyone from 4000 BC into buying at LEAST one iPad each. Twenty-four 4000 BC earths log onto Facebook EVERY DAY, and that's just a website for when you want to share all your personal information with a monolithic corporation that never forgets!! / T-Rex: When you measure things in 4000 BC Earths, things get kinda crazy! / Utahraptor: I demand further examples! / T-Rex: Done. / T-rex: I did a search for "Lady Gaga" and it turns out we maintain a Lady Gaga webpage in memoriam of every single from 4000 BC Earth. Sorry, no, that's not right. We maintain SEVENTEEN OF THEM. / Utahraptor: Welcome to the world of tomorrow? / T-Rex: Yes, welcome, folks from 4000 BC! Thanks for being our ancestors! / T-Rex: As a token of our appreciation, we've typed out the word "boner" onto the internet one time for each and every one of you. No need to thank us! / T-Rex: You've been dead for six thousand years!
it's the thing i say after discovering i wasted another half-hour on reddit T-Rex: A medical doctor is a pretty prestigious job to have! The catch is, it takes years of work to become a doctor. Like, literal YEARS. / T-Rex: I do not have time for literal years! / T-Rex: On the flipside, digging a ditch is pretty easy, but nobody's THAT impressed when you tell them you can dig a long hole. But I think it's naive to assume that the amount of time it takes to learn a job is equivalent to the prestige it brings! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe there's jobs that have more prestige than others that still take the same amount of time to learn? / T-Rex: EXACTLY. / Utahraptor: And maybe you could learn these jobs to create the world's most impressive r?sum?? / T-Rex: Exactly!! / T-Rex: By focusing only on the callings that have maximum impressiveness per second, I can build a Totally Sweet R?sum? in the MATHEMATICALLY MINIMUM amount of time. / Utahraptor: I don't know where you'll get the data you need. / T-Rex: Hmm, I don't know, maybe... THE INTERNET?? / Narrator: LATER: T-REX FAILS TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS ON HIS RESUME PROJECT / T-Rex: The internet didn't help me at all! It disctracted me with pictures of cats with opinions! / T-Rex: N- / T-Rex: No regrets I guess
to be fair, some of the snowplows here in reality ARE pretty stupid T-Rex: There's a big snowstorm coming tonight. This is so great! By tomorrow morning, everything will be buried under snow, and society will have finally reached its snowmageddon. / T-Rex: It's time to start new civilizations in our living rooms, you guys! / T-Rex: We'll abandon the laws of man as we write new laws, awesome-centric laws that are outside society's precious "morality" and "ideas of what is the right thing to do"! / Dromiceiomimus: Those are the same thing, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, in my NEW civilization, pointing that out will be against the law. That's PROBABLY because my new civilization is a utopia?? / Utahraptor: We're only getting a few inches of snow, T-Rex! This is not the end of civilization. / T-Rex: But - / Utahraptor: We have, in fact, invented snowplows precisely to prevent a single storm from doing that. / T-Rex: FINE. Live in a reality with your stupid snowplows, and we'll all just forget how amazing a snow-covered world is, and the incredible possibilities the world changing overnight represents. / Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / T-Rex: Man, shovelling snow is for chumps! I truly wish I had a snowplow. / That's right, ladies! / I'M wildly inconsistent in what I want!
This is what I've been waiting for, you guys! T-Rex: Rain is falling tonight! THE RAIN WILL WASH AWAY OUR CIVILIZATION AND WE CAN START FRESH. YES. / T-Rex: This is what I've been waiting for, you guys! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we're only getting a centimeter of rain, easily within the abilities of our civilization to withstand. Plus, you talked about this yesterday! You're repeating yourself. / T-Rex: That was with snow! ALSO, maybe what I said yesterday was EXTREMELY AWESOME. Maybe it is worth hearing again! / Utahraptor: Maybe hearing it once was enough! / T-Rex: A bold hypothetical!! / T-Rex: Look, if you say once is enough and I say we should hear it a kabillion times, let's take the middle ground and I'll say it only half a kabillion times. / Utahraptor: Ah, the fallacy of balance. You talked about THAT six years, eight days ago today. / T-Rex: IMPOSSIBLE / Narrator: SIX YEARS, EIGHT DAYS AGO TODAY: / T-Rex: And THAT concludes my many opinions about the fallacy of balance! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Welp, guess I'll go help Dromiceiomimus rebuild that log cabin or whatever
okay so i decided to do medusa after all! Narrator: THE MYTH OF MEDUSA / T-Rex: Medusa was a lady who was super sexy! But then she sexed up Poseidon (God of the Sea!) in Athena's house and Athena go so CHEEZED that she turned Medusa's hair into snakes! / T-Rex: And THEN she made Medusa's face so crazy that anyone who saw it would turn to stone! / T-Rex: Medusa was now the greatest biological weapon on the face of the planet. Perseus was sent to slay her and claim her head, planning to use a mirrored shield so he could avoid looking at her directly. This, of course was futile; light does not work that way, and Medusa now had a statue of a guy looking into his shield. Realizing her own power, Medusa began keeping her eyes closed, navigating by sound and touch. / Utahraptor: That's not what happens in the story!! / T-Rex: Really? Because my version seems PRETTY LOGICAL. / Utahraptor: No, in the real story Perseus chops Medusa's head off and she's pregnant by Poseidon so babies pop out of her neck. One is a giant with a solid gold sword and the other is Pegasus. / T-Rex: Oh right, that ending in way better. Her head gets chopped off and A FLYING HORSE and SWORD GIANT come out. Then end. / T-Rex: The way I figure, either the Greek myths were made up by a five-year-old and transcribed onto scrolls by his 30-year-old brother , or at some point I go back in time and the Greeks are all SUPER CREDULOUS. / T-Rex: Either way: EVERYBODY WINS??
truth and beauty ebola T-Rex: Alright guys, I'll go right out and say it. We could all use a little SEXUAL TENSION al up ons! / T-Rex: "All up ons" is slang that means "around here or whatever"!, just FYI! / T-Rex: And "just FYI" is slang for "just Friggin' Yell It", which means "please excuse my minced oath, but listen to what i have said and repeat it at full volume". / Dromiceiomimus: ...Sexual tension? / T-Rex: Yes! We need some! It's what everyone wants! / Utahraptor: Who's everyone? / T-Rex: Everyone! / T-Rex: When you watch TV you yell "It'd be SUPER AMAZING if the two leads were always about it kiss and then someone knocks on the door, or one of them says 'we can't' and bites their knuckle!" That could be us! / Utahraptor: I do often yell that at TVs. / T-Rex: See? I'm wielding a truth bayonet over here! / T-Rex: I'm dropping truth bombs, and NOW I'm laying truth mines! They're diabolical machines that will keep exploding truth long after our we and everyone we know is dead and gone. They're - They're just terrible. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Utahraptor I made myself sad!!
alternate ending: several generations ago in a parallel universe's alternate timeline, t-rex gets told that he smells and swears a timeless revenge that neither the universe nor chronos himself can contain T-Rex: So I'm walking down the street with Utahraptor and there's this guy walking in the opposite direction, coming towards me. / T-Rex: We lock eyes! / T-Rex: And neither of us looks away, and for some reason I think, "What's this guy's deal? Is he... A JERK?" and clearly the other guy's thinking the same thing, because he tenses some. And I see that tension and I tense up, thinking "Maybe he's going to punch me. I should get ready for that". And he probably thinks the same thing, and I see his reactions and start to think maybe I should throw a punch first! AND THEN, we pass each other and nothing happens. / Utahraptor: Man, even I could detect the tension, and I only noticed him at the last second! / T-Rex: It was crazy! / T-Rex: I almost got into a fight with a COMPLETE STRANGER. We were just two incredibly intense guys! / Utahraptor: Yeah, two incredibly intense guys a hair's breadth away from fighting for no reason. / T-Rex: Maybe we're mortal enemies in a past life / parallel universe / alternate timeline / deleted scene? / Utahraptor [off-panel]: Deleted scenes don't happen in real life, T-Rex. / T-Rex: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ALL THE THINGS THAT ONLY I SEEM TO REMEMBER HAPPENING?? / T-Rex: Seriously I could use an explanation; it is the worst
"it's leftover racism from when they were born in history and all the racisms were in" T-Rex: You know in those stories where there's this immortal guy and they talk about how bored they are and how boring life is after 5000 years or whatever? I am going to call something. / T-Rex: I am going to call SHENANIGANS. / T-Rex: You know who writes those stories? MORTALS. Folks using some of their PRECIOUS, FINITE LIFE to write a made-up story in which an imaginary person keeps going in about how being immortal is actually sucky and how they're totes jealous that others get to dies someday. / T-Rex: Ridiculous! / T-Rex: And kinda sad! / Utahraptor: Dude, narrative are given meaning by their endings! They're the most important part! / T-Rex: Again, ridiculous! / T-Rex: Superman doesn't have an ending; he's back fighting crime every month but he's still interesting! / Utahraptor: He died once! / T-Rex: Yeah, but it was STUPID, and it didn't take anyway. My point IS, if there's immortal people, they're learning all they can! / T-Rex: They're being amazed at the world's progression, they're sexing ip many people in series AND IN parallel! They're not writing stories about how boring living forever is. They leave that to us 'mortalies'! / T-Rex: That's their racist name for us!!
eat only flavoured jellybeans for a week; think hard about the future you want Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE / T-Rex: Our first letter comes from "Chuggy G", who writes - / T-Rex: Hey, it's Chuggy G!! / T-Rex: We used to date! / T-Rex: Anyway, Chuggy G says "Dear Professor Science: why can't we get all our meals in pill form?". One time Chuggy G and I went to a pond to feed the ducks; she loved doing things like that. When we got there, all the ducks were gone. I don't remember what we did after that. / T-Rex: Isn't that weird? I haven't thought about that day for years. / Utahraptor: We can't eat only pills because they don't contain the calories we need! / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Calories come from fats, proteins, carbs and boozes, and none of them compress very well. Plus eating is a primal pleasure that I'm sure many would miss. I wonder what Chuggy G is doing right now. / Utahraptor: Plus pills don't recreate texture. / T-Rex: She always said she'd make it big. / Narrator: LATER, AT PROFESSOR SCIENCE'S HOUSE! / T-Rex: Professor Science! Can you introduce me to your friend, Professor Why Am I Suddenly So Nostalgic For Someone I Haven't Thought About In Years?? / T-Rex: It's definitely possible to get a PhD in that, yes?
past futurists, why'd you have to be so darned optimistic T-Rex: When movies were invented, people were super-excited! For the first time, we could capture life, in real time, as it was happening. / T-Rex: This was a super big deal! / T-Rex: Even if the films were black and white, folks could see the potential. Essays were written extolling how movies with sound and colour were just around the corner, and they'd be cheap to make, and when that happened we as a species will have done something amazing: we will have CONQUERED DEATH ITSELF. / Dromiceiomimus: Seriously? / T-Rex: You'd be able to summon up loved ones with a film projector! How can they be dead when that survives? / Utahraptor: A movie isn't the same thing as a person! / T-Rex: You and I know that from experience! / T-Rex: But if you can remember how the lucky ones got a single (very expensive) picture taken during their lives - if that - MOTION pictures for everyone would seem pretty amazing. / Utahraptor: I kind of wish we still had that much optimism in invention! Nobody's saying 3d movies will conquer death. / T-Rex: Man, now when I see an ad for a 3D movie I'll say "we, as a species, could have spent the time and money wasted on that on conquering death"! That's not gonna make me any more popular. / Utahraptor: You could say it after every ad, really. / T-Rex: Maaaaaaaan
looking around the room while chewing is my favourite thing for folks in comics to do while chewing T-Rex: Spider-Man's Nasty Cake, a tale of betrayal and self-discovery, by award-winning author and thoughtsmith, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Wait, "thoughtsmith" has maxed-out pretentious! / T-Rex: Okay, it's by T-Rex, "author of award-eligible wordsmithery". / Dromiceiomimus: That sounds like it's your first time speaking English, and uh, things aren't going so hot. / T-Rex: By T-Rex, "the owner of mind that brought you the erotica for adults with problems??" / Dromiceiomimus: ...Better? / T-Rex: "By T-Rex, our last, best and only hope for the printed word." / Utahraptor: "By T-Rex, writer"? / T-Rex: What about "By T-Rex, t he insatiable devourer of worlds.. of IMAGINATION!"? / Utahraptor: What about you write your story and let it stand on its own merits, and worry about your blurb later? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, my story is about Spider-Man eating a nasty cake. I need all the help I can get. / Excerpt: Spider-Man choked back another bite of the cake. He chewed, looking around the room. "So nasty." he breathed. / T-Rex: On second thought, nevermind! It turns out writing is easy!!
superhero culinary is a genre i just made up but MORE IMPORTANTLY, a genre i am extremely extremely excited for T-Rex: Spider-Man was still eating nasty cake. "I am a character owned by another corporation, and you are not a valid licensee" he spat out, along with the cake, which he was already spitting out. It was gross and rude! / T-Rex: Spider-Man was being gross and rude! / T-Rex: Then Spider-Man "webbed" his way out of the room, leaving behind the remains of the cake and webbing, stuck to the ceiling, walls, floors and furniture. "Who's going to clean up THIS fine mess?" asked a member of the custodial staff, and then he said "Hah hah, no, it's me; I know it's me." He liked his job: the satisfaction of seeing progress being made in a task was something that pleased him greatly. / T-Rex: Later that evening, he happily went home to his wife and children! / Utahraptor: This doesn't seem to be going anywhere, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What are you talking about? It started as SUPERHERO CULINARY, and now it's HAPPY CUSTODIAN FAMILY HOUR. Those are the two biggest genres this summer! / Utahraptor: ...Who told you that? / T-Rex: Um, a little thing called TRENDS FORECASTING?? / T-Rex: Haha, no, it was a little thing called "write what you know" and ALL I KNOW is endless trains of thought that involve superheroes. / T-Rex: Oh! / T-Rex: And foodstuffs!!

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