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t-rex i thought your email sig of "PRINT THIS OUT AND STORE IT IN AMBER" was a joke, your email header of "DO WHAT IT SAYS IN MY SIGNATURE", mere setup T-Rex: There's some things I do that nobody else does. Maybe I decorate my room in a particular way! You can put a LOT of things in a room; it seems reasonable we'd all decorate it slightly differently! / T-Rex: And even if some folks decorate the same, they'd still do other things differently! / T-Rex: Just expand the reasoning out to the things I buy, the way I talk and write - they all add up to a unique set of artifacts generated by ME. / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! / T-Rex: And many of these things: photos of my rooms, my fancy hates, my excellent emails that I'm sure you're all archiving - all could last long after I die! / Utahraptor: So what? You leave behind a bunch of stuff. / T-Rex: Not just stuff: UNIQUE stuff! / T-Rex: And if there's a one-to-one link between the stuff I leave behind and the person I was, can't we imagine a future in which science can be used to follow these links...backwards? / Utahraptor: You want the future to rebuild you based on your stuff? / T-Rex: Not stuff! HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS. / T-Rex: All of which point to a particular person. I mean, I'd then like them to invent time travel and send Future Regenerated Me back in time to me so that we can pal around, but one step at a time, you know? I can wait! / T-Rex: The future's got all the time in the world!
humanity gets jetpacks and everything is fine T-Rex: "Things I could've done by now if I'd dedicated more time towards them", a list by me, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Ahem. / T-Rex: I could've started a family or three, either in series OR in parallel! / T-Rex: I could've travelled the world! I could've become good if not great at any number of instruments, painted beautiful things, entered the space program, learned new languages, advanced our knowledge of the universe, or embarked on ANY NUMBER of different careers! / T-Rex: Wow! / T-Rex: I honestly did not expect the list to be this depressing! / Utahraptor: But there's always gonna be more things you could've done than things you did! You're comparing many to one! / Utahraptor: That's not a fair comparison, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Holy crap, you're right! So what you're saying is...the sum of mes across the multiverse will always be more awesome than in one individual timeline?? / Utahraptor: Right! You all add up to a pretty great guy. / PARALLEL UNIVERSE DX-5326: / Alternate T-Rex: So what you're saying is...the other mes across the multiverse are DRAGGING DOWN THE FRIGGIN' AVERAGE?? Man! Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered inventing jetpacks so that we can hunt humans from jetpacks! / Alternate T-Rex: Also, the humans get jetpacks.
i had a dream last night where my wife got kidnapped, then i had a dream where my friends and i tracked down the kidnapper and rescued her! good work subconscious, thanks for cleaning up after yourself T-Rex: Shakespeare wrote in rhyming couplets and it was great / I bet I could do the same and not desecrate! / T-Rex: (His memory) / God: WHOAH T-REX THAT RHYME WAS TERRIBLE / T-Rex: What? Says who?? / God: SAYS ME GOD WAIT HOLD ON A SECOND SHAKESPEARE IS HERE AND HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ONE SEC I'LL PUT HIM ON / God: HELLO THIS IS SHAKESPEARE AND WOW THAT RHYME WAS REALLY BAD / T-Rex: That's not him! He'd say "Forsooth"! / God: UM / God: FORSOOTH ALACK YONDER MAIDENS / T-Rex: God! Did you PRETEND to be Shakespeare? / God: POSSIBLY / T-Rex: "Possibly"!! / Utahraptor: Possibly? / T-Rex: God said that Shakespeare hated my sweet rhymes, and to prove it he pretended to be Shakespeare! / Utahraptor: Well if he can do anything, that'd necessarily include "Shakespeare impersonations". / T-Rex: But ALSO "Shakespeare impersonations that don't my me mad"; why didn't he do that one? / God: UM T-REX IT'S ME SHAKESPEARE AND MAY I JUST SAY YOUR RHYME IS WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID WRITE / T-Rex: Okay / T-Rex: ...That makes sense
i kinda like defining the future as what happens after we're not around anymore. we don't get to live in it, but we can set it up! instead of the Long Now, it's the Unreachable Tomorrow. T-Rex: The future! / T-Rex: It's what happens after we're not around anymore. / T-Rex: And we don't know what it's going to be like, so why not hedge our bets? / T-Rex: Live as if things are going to be great forever! / T-Rex: But plant artificats as if everything's going to end tomorrow! / T-Rex: Because thousands of years after our civilization collapses, survivors might take refuge in a cave and begin exploring. / T-Rex: And there, seemingly abandoned, they find something we left behind! / T-Rex: Something AMAZING. / T-Rex: Something that'll make them wonder and fear the power of the ancients! / Dromiceiomimus: What is it? / T-Rex: That's exactly what we get to decide! / Utahraptor: It'd have to withstand years of neglect! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: And not give up its mysteries easily, either! / Utahraptor: Yeah, we want something to suggest power, grandeur, and nobility - even if it's a nobility we never quite reached. / Utahraptor: Something to tell everyone that right here, but in another time, we - all of us - were great. / T-Rex: Oh my god, YES. / T-Rex: Let's do it! / T-Rex: Let's make sure the future remembers us as ASTOUNDING. / Narrator: LATER: T-REX AND UTAHRAPORT JUST BURY FAKE STONE SKELETONS IN THE GROUND / T-Rex: I always thought our skeletons looked pretty neat
if you think there's no way intonations could carry that much meaning, i invite you to study catonese and then, for the full experience, feel bad because your tongue don't work that well T-Rex: French has problems, English has problems. / God: CHINESE HAS PROBLEMS / T-Rex: Hindi: problems! / T-Rex: Perhaps... ALL the languages have problems?? / T-Rex: MAYBE it's time for us to start from scratch and DESIGN a better language? A language without any problems, a language where everything is logical, predictable, culturally-neutral and so easy to learn that we all basically already know it? / Dromiceiomimus: Artificial languages have been tried before, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Hello?! / T-Rex: Not by me! / Utahraptor: So what'll make your artificial language different from, say, Esperanto? / T-Rex: It'll be UNAMBIGUOUS. / Utahraptor: Right. So what makes it different from Lojban then? Every sentence there has only one meaning, and they wrote software to prove their grammar rules unambiguous. / T-Rex: Okay that's awesome. But my language can still be awesome too! I'll just go in a different direction. / T-Rex: HMM... / Narrator: LATER: T-REX INVENTS A LANGUAGE WHERE ALL MEANING IS ENCODED IN INTONATIONS OF "SEXUAL MATURITY HAS NOT BEEN A WALK IN THE PARK FOR ME, LADIES" / T-Rex: Sexual maturity HAS NOT been a walk in the park for ME, ladies!! / T-Rex: (That means "Free time: maybe I've too much of it?")
brotimes, i brate all the brocolate T-Rex: In English, we can't talk about an event without revealing when it took place! When I say "Bro, I ate all the chocolates", the bro knows it happened in the past. / T-Rex: There's no way to express "eating" without revealing to the bros when it went down! / T-Rex: But in American Sign Language, I COULD talk about eating without saying when. And if I was speaking Russian, I'd have to include both when the eating happened AND if there were still chocolates left afterwards! Russians speakers want to know if there's any chocolates left for them SO BADLY that they make it obligatory when expressing a thought. Dromiceiomimus: Russian speakers: MAYBE the best?? / / Utahraptor: In Turkish, you have to say whether you saw an event or just heard about it later! / T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. Amazing! / T-Rex: Okay! In my constructed language, you now have to encode both how happy you hoped the event would make you AND how happy it actually did! Just as English foregrounds when things happen, mine will foreground all the little disappointments in life, the countless daily letdowns of reality failing to live up to our expectations! / T-Rex: WAIT NEVERMIND THAT'S AWFUL
"fishin' and wishin' batman": the only batman variant worth your time, a fishing hat full of lures and a hope that things turn out pretty good today for everyone God: SO HEY T-REX YOU'VE INVENTED TWO LANGUAGES IN AS MANY DAYS / T-Rex: I know! Sometimes I worry my brilliance is a curse! / T-Rex: But then I remember that actually no, it's super great! / God: MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON GETTING SPEAKERS OF THESE LANGUAGES THOUGH / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, will you learn my new languages? One makes you say the same sentence in different ways and the other's where you always have to talk about feelings. / Dromiceiomimus: I'll stick with Dinosaurese, thanks! / T-Rex: That's not a real thing / T-Rex: Utahraptor, you'll speak my languages, right? / Utahraptor: Man, they're all variants on English! / T-Rex: No, they're ORIGINAL languages copyright ME that are merely INSPIRED by Englis- / Utahraptor: Look, I'll give you an analogy. You know how you want an awesome Batman action figure? / T-Rex: Obviously! / Utahraptor: Right! / Utahraptor: But when you go to the store, all they have are Fishin' Ahoy Batman and Folly of Space Batman and you end up going home SAD and empty-handed again. THESE VARIANTS ARE YOUR NEW LANGUAGES. / T-Rex: NEVER / T-Rex: - has an apology been so accurate and personally damaging.
dromiceiomimus, why was a big secret kept T-Rex: There's nothing wrong with a new language being a simple variant of English! Heck, modern French is just a riff on middle Swedish! / T-Rex: Or so I assume, having never looked into the matter with any seriousness!! / T-Rex: So I'm just going to focus on IMPROVEMENTS, and the first improvement I'm making on English is the adding amazing EXCLUSIVE WE. / Dromiceiomimus: Ah, yes! While our "we" means "you and I", other languages also have a "we" that means "everyone here EXCEPT YOU, THE PERSON I'M TALKING TO. OH SNAP." / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus / T-Rex: If you knew about it all this time why did you keep it a big secret / T-Rex: Anyway, my other improvement is adding an exclusive "you"! / Utahraptor: How does that work? / T-Rex: It's a "you" that basically means "anyone but you". So I can say "[Exclusive] We are going to a party! [Anyone but] You should really come!" / Utahraptor: Man, how would you feel if someone said that to you? / T-Rex: Um, STOKED THAT MY LANGUAGE HAS CAUGHT ON?? / T-Rex: AND THEN SAD, OBVIOUSLY??
alternate title for a much shorter comic: "PRANK PHONE CALLS WERE MORE FUN BEFORE CALLER ID" (that is the entire comic) T-Rex: Hello, T-Rex speaking on my T-Rex Speakerphone! Who may I say is calling? / [Caller]: Mr Butts, first name "ohnomysmelly" / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: This is a... / T-Rex: PRANK PHONE CALL! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I got prank phone called! Me! I used to make prank phone calls but now I receive them! The tables have turned, metaphorically! I don't know how I can make this more clear! / Dromiceiomimus: You don't need to, I get it! / T-Rex: The prank giver (usually me) has become the prank receiver (me again)!! / Utahraptor: You've never been prank phone called before? / T-Rex: No! And this was such a sucky one! / T-Rex: Now, YEARS LATER, when we're all sitting around and reminiscing about the first prank calls we ever got, I'M gonna be the one who gets all quiet and sad. Frig. / Utahraptor: Man, when are we gonna do that? / T-Rex: Um, DURING OUR SUNSET YEARS?? / Narrator: T-REX'S IMAGINED FUTURE: / [Speaker not shown]: We're old and have exhausted all the interesting things to talk about. All that's left is prank phone call memories! / T-Rex: Incidentally, my body is REMARKABLY well preserved, I gotta say. / T-Rex: What's my friggin' secret?
incredible moments in history starring t-rex the dinosaur t. rex Narrator: INCREDIBLE MOMENTS IN HISTORY / Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE DINOSAUR / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know how scientists are always getting, like, Nobel Prizes in science stuff? / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! / T-Rex: Do you know if you can get that with dance moves too? Because I'm PRETTY SURE I just invented an amazing new dance move!! / Utahraptor: Let's see this move! / T-Rex: Right! I start with my leg raised as so, and then - / T-Rex: Leg down, tail down, head snap, POSE. / Utahraptor: Not bad, not bad! / T-Rex: Hey! Hey, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Take a picture, it'll last longer! / Narrator: THIS MARKS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME THE PHRASE "TAKE A PICTURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER" WAS EVER SAID SINCERELY / Narrator: THE END
inspired by the nine or ten rapid-fire games of chess joey comeau beat me at in Montreal! may i just say: what the heck, joey comeau. T-Rex: In chess, you want to kill the other guys! But, OH NO. Everyone forgot their guns and swords! / T-Rex: So INSTEAD, you kill bad guys by moving your guys into their house! / T-Rex: You move your guy into a house and then you live there, but if it's occupied then the other person dies of embarrassment! Each square is a property, and it's a real-estate simulator. I don't know. Folks seem to like it. / T-Rex: Just as in real life, queens have a lot of real-estate buying options, and it's kinda weird when horses own land. / T-Rex: To win a game of chess, you need to buy up the SECRET house! / Utahraptor: Secret house? / T-Rex: There's a secret house full of treasure, but you don't know which house it is until you move in there. Only chess is like, SUPER OLD, so now everyone knows the secret house is the one the king lives in. SPOILER ALERT?? / Utahraptor: Huh. / T-Rex: Yeah, chess is weird. / T-Rex: In conclusion! / T-Rex: They say that chess is the game of kings, but there's horses in it too!
POKER AS SHE IS PLAYED COMICS PRESENTS: poker as she is played T-Rex: In poker, you have a hand full of cards, and everyone else has a hand full of cards, and you all just have to deal with that. / Narrator: POKER AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: The object of the game is to get rid of your cards! In Round One everyone gets to decide how many of their cards they want to drop, but it turns out no matter what number you say, you get the same amount of cards back to replace them. Ha ha! This game was designed by a madman. You go around in circles with each trying and failing to discard; it is pointless and futile. / T-Rex: After everyone remembers that, it's on to Round Two! / T-Rex: In this round, you realize that your cards are actually ... POK?MON. / Utahraptor: It's a total Pok?mon rip off! / T-Rex: I know, right?! The only difference is your cards attack all at once and don't even evolve, so it's like a dumb baby version. And, AS ALWAYS, a full Electric team EASILY beats a mix of water and Flying-type Pok?mon! / Utahraptor: Only they call those "straight flush" and "full house" instead. Even the names are dumber!! / T-Rex: The winner is the person who KOs all the other cards, and as a prize, the losers have to pay the winner actual real-life money. The losers get LITERALLY POORER because their random cards didn't fight the best in imagination land! / T-Rex: Doesn't that sound like FUN??
boardgames are to monopoly as comics are to garfield, THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT T-Rex: Sometime we do awful things in our lives, even if we don't know it. Sometimes the only proof that we've made mistakes - terrible mistakes the UNIVERSE ITSELF punishes us for - is that we look around and we're playing... Monopoly. / Narrator: MONOPOLY AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: The object of Monopoly is to fully explore the sensations of boredom, sorrow and rage. In this sense, EVERYONE'S a winner, as it will become clear in the first 30 minutes that you've lost, yet the game will grind on for hours after that. It is during this time that you will explore these emotions. It is during this time that you will wonder what you did to deserve this. / T-Rex: It is during this time that you will begin to despise the Brother Parker. / Utahraptor: But what if you're the winning player? / T-Rex: Oh, then it's an entirely different game! / T-Rex: In THAT case, your prize is watching friendships die, turn by endless turn. Your only hope is that someone will get SO MAD that they flip the table and end the game early. / Utahraptor: That sounds terrible. / T-Rex: That is the bestselling board game on the planet, Utahraptor. What is WRONG with us?? / T-Rex: My best theory is that criminally insane are buying up all the copies, concealing them under their jackets, and smuggling them into cottages the world over. / T-Rex: Oh! / T-Rex: And grandma's house
instruction sheets: for the weak? T-Rex: In Scrabble, you and your friends pretend that you're unable to speak OR write, but luckily, you have a bunch of tiny pieces of wood with letters on them in your pockets! You each grab a handful and take turns chatting up each other. / Narrator: SCRABBLE AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: A grid is provided, so you put your letters down there. For example, you may want to say with "WHAT CAPRICIOUS GOD WOULD CRAFT THIS TERRIBLE FATE", but you won't have enough letters for that. So you'll fall back to "HELLO", but oops, no "E", so instead you open the conversation with "ABS". Your friend, in similar circumstances, might reply "HAT". / T-Rex: You'll stare at each other for a long moment. / Utahraptor: But there's points aren't there? / T-Rex: Yeah, lots of points! / T-Rex: With words now meaningless, points do the heavy lifting for communication. 16 points might mean "I now realize how much I valued our easy intimacy", 40 points with a triple word score saying "Promise me you'll never forget how we were, before this game." / Utahraptor: But it does end when the letters run out. / T-Rex: Yes! And you can all talk again, each word now precious, a gift. The players, having survived their ordeal, are brought closer together. It is, in the full sense of the word, a beautiful game. / T-Rex: Oh but if you try to spell a proper name you get SHOT the fuck DOWN!
you're doomed to lose a non-trivial amount of the time, it's not like the journey to defeat is more important than Destination Defeatville here T-Rex: Let's say you're alone in the universe with a deck of cards, and you're like, "Welp, guess I'll sort this deck of cards"! And then you're like, "Welp, I guess I'll make it possible to lose at sorting this deck of cards"! / Narrator: SOLITAIRE AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: So you put the cards into piles and move them around according to a bunch of rules somebody else invented. And eventually you'll say "Man, this game, what's the deal with this game, probably I should cheat at this game". But you're playing by yourself! Who are you cheating? Yourself? The game? Would it help if I told you that almost 20% of solitaire games are PROVABLY UNWINNABLE? / Utahraptor: No way it's that high! / T-Rex: Science confirms it!! / T-Rex: You're doomed to lose a non-trivial amount of time, and it's not like it's going to happen in some super interesting way. The only novel way to lose is by dying in real life, but you only get to do that ONCE, and if you do, your last words are "Oh look, a four of hearts. I can put that on the three of hearts." / T-Rex: As far as last words go: a solid eight on ten??
tangentially: a great line to open with on a first date or similar situation is "do... do you ever get sad?" T-Rex: I checked it and it's true! Being sad is NO LONGER IN STYLE. / T-Rex: From now on, all the WAY COOL people are happy! / T-Rex: See what I'm doing, Dromiceiomimus? I'm making it so that every sad person in the sound of my voice will now try really hard to be happy, so that they can be super ultra cool! / Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if there exists someone who's SO SAD but also SO CONCERNED WITH BEING COOL. At least, not within the sound of your voice. / T-Rex: ...Why take the risk? / Utahraptor: Peer pressuring your way though mental problems? / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: Maybe you've been sad for a while, but you've probably never tried a COMPLETE STRANGER telling you you'd be way cool if you weren't so sad anymore. / Utahraptor: Well, I'm certain complete strangers will appreciate your meddling in their mental health and wellness. / T-Rex: Excellent! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS SAD, HIS WORLD APPEARING GREY AND LIFELESS: / T-Rex: Hah! Oh, EMOTIONS. / T-Rex: *Screw you guys*
today is the day i postulate a deist universe powered by skepticism, that should make EVERYONE in religious debates happy and/or extremely unhappy T-Rex: LAYLA, duh duh duh... You've got me on my KNEES, LAYLA. Duh duh duh - I'm beggin' darlin' please, LAYLA. / God: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUHH / T-Rex: Darling won't you ease my worried mind?? / God: THAT WAS A GOOD DUET T-REX I WAS HAPPY TO SUPPLY THE DUH DUH DUHHS / T-Rex: Yes, I though we did a good job! I was kinda surprised though that you had so little going on, God, that you could supply partial backup vocals for my song. / God: NO MAN I'M GOOD / God: YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE IN A CLOCKWORK UNIVERSE / T-Rex: What's a clockwork universe? / Utahraptor: That's where everything runs itself! / Utahraptor: So the universe is deterministic, running without outside management - like a clock! God invents the laws of physics, sets everything in motion and then relaxes as the clock runs forever. Maybe he brushes his hands off and says "I'm goin' on infinite break". / T-Rex: INTERESTING. / God: YES IT IS A THEORY THAT I AM 100% IN FAVOUR OF / T-Rex: But what about the problem of entropy increasing in closed systems? Where's the clock batter? / God: MAYBE IT'S POWERED BY FOLKS ASKING LOADED QUESTIONS / God: SO UM / God: KEEP IT UP BUCKO
give me some credit: i didn't find out about pornocracies from the wikipedia random article button. it's actually thanks to autocomplete, whereby i am fully exploring the world of "things that start with 'porno'" T-Rex: Folks are always all, "What's the best form of government? DEMOCRACY. I love democracy, a bloo bloo bloo". / T-Rex: Walk it off, democracy lovers! / T-Rex: Contact me at, democracy lovers! / T-Rex: Democracy is OLD HAT. You know what democracy is? Democracy is long-term stuff never getting done, because short-term gains are what get folks re-elected. It had a good run, but now it's time for a more awesome -cracy, one that I just found out about because the Wikipedia random article button brought me to something that wasn't some stats on a crappy river for once. / Utahraptor: Ochlocracy? Isocracy? Stratocracy? / T-Rex: PORNOCRACY. / T-Rex: Rule by prostitutes! And I didn't make it up. The word's been used in historical times to refer when popes were influenced by women! / Utahraptor: That's super sexist! Powerful women aren't necessarily SEX WORKERS. / T-Rex: Um, that's history?? / Banner: HISTORY: SUPER SEXIST / T-Rex: Hello?! This is not a surprising moral! History is also like twenty kinds of racist! / T-Rex: I KINDA THOUGHT THAT WAS THE REASON WE ALL DECIDED NOT TO LIVE THERE??
compressed song comics: the dinosaur comics that assume we ALL know the same music Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS today's song "HELLO" by LIONEL RITCHIE / T-Rex: Hello! / T-Rex: Lionel Ritchie says, "hello!" / T-Rex: He goes on to say that either he's had recurring dreams in which he's kissed your lips a thousand times each, or a thousand dreams in which he's kissed your lips once. In either case: dangerously obsessive. Hello! He's just got to let you know! / Dromiceiomimus: Next you'll tell me he's constantly wondering where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with! / T-Rex: Um well that is the next thing he volunteers as a matter of fact / Utahraptor: No way he says that. / T-Rex: Hello?! He does!! / T-Rex: His exact words are "Is someone loving you?", which he follows with "I wonder where you are". / Utahraptor: Geez. I can see the letters-cut-out-of-magazines note stuffed into my mailbox already. / T-Rex: In that case, he sends you a followup note that says "You know just what to do". / Utahraptor: Gah!! / T-Rex: He notices it every time we walk outside his door, wherever THAT is. "Hello!" he says, his arms open wide. I don't think we've ever heard him though. It's probably for the best! / T-Rex: Be safe out there, Utahraptor
Portal and Portal 2 are like the saddest games ever for this very reason. Stupid reality, stupid physics, stupid non-existence of holodeck programs that I can live inside with everyone else where portals are real T-Rex: Oh my gosh I just found out about a political form that beats democracies AND pornocracies combined! It's the best. THE BEST. / T-Rex: You guys! Let's ALL move to a -- / God: A PUPPET STATE IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS T-REX / T-Rex: Well crap / Narrator: THE END / T-Rex: Utahraptor, do you -- do you ever get sad? / Utahraptor: I do! Do you, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Yeah, whenever I imagine a world so much better than ours, yet so clearly impossible! Reality doesn't measure up. / Utahraptor: Well, we invented planes, we can chat up Australians from almost anywhere, AND we've chilled out on the moon. Maybe your impossible world won't be impossible someday! / T-Rex: Yeah, but how far away are the things I want? 10 years? 50?? How long can I expect to live? / T-Rex: Listen, if sentient puppet kings and portals that work everywhere and not JUST on special walls are on the coming-soon list, I may be willing to cut out SOME red meat!
PS: I was actually this rhetorical dude, who has never really paid attention in "What to put in your belly" classes!! T-Rex: Let's say you're a dude who is having trouble with, to put it delicately, too much poo. And you think, "I'm going to take some medicine and put this issue to bed!" Excellent idea, rhetorical dude!! / T-Rex: PS: I was actually this rhetorical dude! / T-Rex: So I go to the pharmacy and get some fiber supplements because the side of the box says that they "promote regularity", which sounds good to me! But it turns out that fiber only makes things worse! IT TURNS OUT, fiber is actually the last thing you want to take when you have a too much poo problem already! / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, fiber actually facilites [sic] the number twos. / T-Rex: I KNOW THAT NOW!! / T-Rex: Why are we using artful euphamisms [sic] on MEDICINE PACKAGING? / Utahraptor: Because - kids can read them? I guess? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, these are PILLS. These are meds you buy at a pharmacy. It made my problem WORSE when someone WHO WORKS IN MEDICINE couldn't bring themselves to say, "Okay. These make the poops come out". "Promotes regularity"? What the hell is that? ALL SORTS OF IRREGULARITY CAN HAPPEN DOWN THERE. I've seen it! / T-Rex: I have, in fact, seen far too much
yesterday's comic's moral was "don't poop too much", now the moral is "don't swallow forks". if you are learning a lot from these comics then that is good but you are living a very interesting life T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, come quick! I accidentally swallowed a fork!! / T-Rex: I mean, I accidentally wanted to see if I could swallow a fork! / T-Rex: I mean, I accidentally thought that if I could swallow a fork then if someone said "fork over your money" I could puke up the fork on their shoes, wipe my mouth and say "Maybe you SPOKE too soon"! / Dromiceiomimus: Forks don't have spokes, T-Rex: those are called "tines". / T-Rex: Even better! I wipe my mouth and say "Pardon me, but do you have the TINE?" / Utahraptor: What if you said "Knife to meet you"? / T-Rex: Man, I don't want to swallow knives! That's DANGEROUS. / Utahraptor: That's the point - you don't want to swallow forks either! They can PERFORATE YOUR INSIDES. / T-Rex: Aw, frig! This might be a SERIOUS PROBLEM I've given myself. / T-Rex: To the hospital, Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: Frig, man! / T-Rex: Wait up for me, Utahraptor!!
by reading this secret text, you have added "DIRECTOR'S CUTTERS" to your inventory. you can now play with "cereal" replaced with "experimental serum", and "toast" replaced with "heated patty of nutritional yeast" Narrator: BREAKFAST a choose-your-own-adventure comic / T-Rex: It's time for breakfast! If you decide to eat, turn to panel 3. But if you're not hungry yet, turn to panel 2! / T-Rex: Hah! YOU DIED, jerk!! NO BACKSIES. You're totally dead now! / T-Rex: Okay, Super, you're hungry! You feel as if you've somehow avoided meeting with a terrible fate, but also as if your EVERY ACTION may result in calamity for you today. So! Will you have cereal or toast? / Dromiceiomimus: If you have toast, turn to panel 4! / T-Rex: If you have way more DELICIOUS CEREAL, turn to panel 2! / T-Rex: Man, this toast is pretty okay, but you realize you should probably turn to panel 2. / Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5! / T-Rex: As you eat the toast you choke on it! Oh no! You're definitely about to die. To accept your fate, turn to panel 2! To perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself, turn to panel 2. / Utahraptor: There's only one chance! Turn to panel 2 but then warp to panel 6! / T-Rex: You have catastrophically failed at breakfast, yet, paradoxically, won at this comic. You begin to wonder if text is the best medium for a game but there's no time for that now!! You are a Zombie. You are the dead REANIMATED. / T-Rex: Go visit a scientist, we'd all love to know how that works!
let's ignore the difference between geological, magnetic, geomagnetic, instantaneous and political north poles and focus instead on the homey sign in t-rex's kitchen: "not necessarily tacos, but tacos if necessary" T-Rex: Every single world map i own puts North America at the upper left of the map! cartographers are all "boo hoo, if Australia isn't at the lower right then i'm ALL CONFUSED." On one hand, i hate to be a dick to cartographers! / T-Rex: On the other hand: not my problem, cartographers! / T-Rex: I want NEW WAYS of looking at the world. the planet is a friggin' OBLATE SPHEROID: we can put anything at the top! And i humbly suggest my kitchen, because then if anyone wants delicious tacos, all they have to do is GO NORTH. / T-Rex: Also sailors will navigate the seas based on the relative position of delicious tacos. / T-Rex: Sometimes, SOMETIMES, I worry my ideas are too awesome / Utahraptor: Dude, we put north where it is because that's where compasses point! / T-Rex: Man, who follows a compass? / T-Rex: Honestly. You follow a compass, you end up on some frozen sea ice and diePeople who carry them around think "Neat. Now i know where i can go to be dead and frozen." I think we deserve better, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: You think we deserve a north pole that has tacos? / T-Rex: YES. And I am going to make it HAPPEN. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Everyone always says, "I want to make the world a better place", but nobody's helping me print sweet new maps and make tacos for polar explorers! / T-Rex: (thinks) Maybe they don't know where to go? I should get these maps out asap
"Goooossssh!" is meant to be a drawn-out "Gosh!" but if you read it as a long-o "Goosh" that's good too, that's just the sound people make when they are sad about no computers. Goooossssh T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving BEFORE it did in our timeline? You'd have computers made out of brass and steam! That sounds like it might be...AWESOME? / God: THAT GENRE IS CALLED STEAMPUNK T-REX / T-Rex: Okay whatever! / T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving AFTER it did in our timeline? You'd have no computers at all, and people riding around on horses saying "Gosh I wish we invented computers! Goooossssh!" / Dromiceiomimus: Arguably, that's what fantasy stories are, aren't they? / T-Rex: FINE. / T-Rex: What if you wrote a story about modern technology arriving at the usual time? / Utahraptor: Historical non-fiction! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm an idea man. Please give me an idea so that I can write an amazing story about it, okay? / Utahraptor: Easy! "Too many teens on the boat". / T-Rex: That's not an idea! / T-Rex: That is either a SONG TITLE or an ENTERTAINING CIRCUMSTANCE. / Narrator: LATER: TOO MANY TEENS ARE ON A BOAT: / T-Rex: Teens! We have reasonable capacity laws on seafaring vessels for a reason! / T-Rex: AW FRIG / T-Rex: THAT IS A SENTENCE ONLY AN OLD MAN WOULD SAY
NEW SLANG FOR TEENS T-Rex: It's time for some new plasticized new slang! Some plasticized - / Narrator: NEW SLANG FOR TEENS / Dromiceiomimus: You're using "plasticized" a bit unusually there, T-Rex. Is that part of your new slang? / T-Rex: YES. I figure, existing words are already familiar to everyone, so I'll just expand their semantics! Plasticized now means both "irreproachably amazing" AND "past participle of 'plasticize'". And it's for teens, because teens are the thin edge of the language wedge! / T-Rex: And when they pick up on it, the "seniorettos" will follow! / Utahraptor: "Seniorettos"? / T-Rex: Non-teens. Older non-teens, actually. Younger non-teens are called "babypants", as they have been since time immemorial. / Utahraptor: Well, when you find some teens, be sure to let them know your new slang! / T-Rex: TOTALLY ON IT. / Narrator: FIFTY YEARS AGO: / Off-screen character: This is a sculpture I did of the child I hope to have one day! He'll be a doctor, and he'll spend all his time helping others cure horrible diseases. / Off-screen character: It's gonna be so great
Two Towns Over T-Rex : Oh my gosh! I could spend weekends somewhere else under an assumed name! Two towns over, I could be known as... PUNCHES MALONE. / Narrator : T-REX HAS THE BEST IDEA EVER COMICS / Dromiceiomimus : I'm not sure how serious you are, T-Rex, but it's a great idea! Two towns over I'M known as "Ornithomimus J. Edmontonicus". / T-Rex : Seriously? / Dromiceiomimus : I wear a top hat and monocle / T-Rex : SERIOUSLY?? / Utharaptor : Oh man, is she serious? / T-Rex : Is she being totally serious to our faces right now?? / T-Rex : I mean, there's no reason it couldn't be true, right? It would just mean that Dromiceiomimus has been LIVING the friggin' DREAM while we have been sitting around, not cultivating sweet double lives. / Utharaptor : We need to go two towns over and start building our alter egos! / Dromiceiomimus : You guys, I also carry a cane with a skull on the top and wear a jacket made of the finest feathers. / T-Rex : Utharaptor, come back! / T-Rex : I hate to make up words, but reality just got even more awesometasticerest!!
i've already gotten emails asking for a "vitamin s" sequel but i'm not sure i can capture the raw, uncut, freebased storytelling brilliance of the original?? T-Rex: In high school a bunch of us were talking about a television show! / Narrator: REGRET COMICS 2000 / T-Rex: I'd seen it a little bit but they were all talking about a particular episode, so I played along and talked about it too. Eventually I asked a question, I forget what, but it somehow CLEARLY REVEALED that I had not in fact seen the episode at all. Everyone turned to me, and one guy I barely knew said "Why would you lie about something like that?" I had no idea! All I could say was "I don't know." / Utahraptor: That's not the end of the world, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I'm still thinking about it years later though! / T-Rex: I remember watching as someone went from respecting me to thinking I'm a liar: worse, a liar who does it for no reason. / Utahraptor: And who isn't particularly good at it. / T-Rex: AND WHO ISN'T PARTICULARLY GOOD AT IT, yes. Why'd I do it? It was so dumb! / T-Rex: *sigh* / T-Rex: The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that no future selves have yelled at me to stop messing the heck up
for the world is hollow and i have noclipped the sky T-Rex: I hate to be the one to talk about this, but it's time for us to talk about - / Narrator: THE SAD AND SORRY SYMBOLISM OF FIRST PERSON GRAPHICS ENGINES / T-Rex: Yeah, it's great how you can see things like you're really there! But it's also super constrained and sad, for the world is hollow and walls surround you perfectly. There's no escape, and even when you're "outside" there's nothing underground, nothing over the mountains, and if you swim too far you hit an invisible wall or you DIE. It's a tiny world and you're the only one alive in it. Hey, why don't you kill that monster. It's something to do. / T-Rex: And the sky? That's actually a BOX AROUND YOUR HEAD that's drawn first. / Utahraptor: That depends on the game! / T-Rex: STILL. You're wandering around a hollow tube with a box around your head to give the illusion of an endless horizon. It's SO SAD. / Utahraptor: ...I guess. It's also a lot of fun! And ALL games have limits: there's no baseball outside the diamond. The game just ends. You're not supposed to go there. / T-Rex: But it's not exactly the same, right? It's not like, if you do go outside the diamond then you die, right? And then if you die in the game you die in real life?? / Utahraptor: No. That has never happened, T-Rex. / Utahraptor: How / Utahraptor: How did you get this far thinking that
T-Rex in: "COLOSSAL SLIGHTS"! A Terrible Lizards Picto-Narrative The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX / T-Rex: The Devil! what's up? / The Devil: I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU AGAIN DISCUSSED VIDEO GAMES WITHOUT ME / The Devil: THE VIDEO GAME EXPERT / The Devil: THIS IS A COLOSSAL SLIGHT AGAINST MY PERSON / T-Rex: ...Sorry? / The Devil: AS PUNISHMENT I'M AFRAID I WILL NO LONGER TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES WITH YOU SO THAT YOU MIGHT LEARN YOUR LESSON / T-Rex: Really? Oh man, that sounds awesome! / T-Rex: horribly, because I most certainly do not want that punishment right away now please. / T-Rex: Any time you're ready. / T-Rex: Just gonna stand her with my leg raised till I'm punished. / The Devil: T-REX WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON -- NEWS / The Devil: AND EVENTS / T-Rex: I'm for them! / Utahraptor: For what? / T-Rex: For news and events. Utahraptor, please play along! The Devil might start talking about different things for once! / Utahraptor: Oh! Ask him about music? / The Devil: MY BROAD MUSICAL TASTES ENCOMPASS TUNES BOTH CHIP AND OTHERWISE / The Devil: CURSES YOU'VE TRICKED ME INTO TALKING ABOUT VIDEO GAME MUSIC THEREFORE YOUR PUNISHMENT IS NOW AT AN END / T-Rex: No, please! Punish me some more!! / The Devil: T-REX IS THIS LIKE A WEIRD SEX THING / The Devil: BECAUSE IF SO / The Devil: MY COMFORT ZONE HAS BEEN BREACHED AND NOW LIES IN SHAMBLES

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