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utahraptor it's only mammals that have hairy facial skin flaps, getcho facts straight before you get me a lot of emails	T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pick a color between ultramarine and puce! / Dromiceiomimus: Red? / T-Rex: OH MY GOSH THAT / T-Rex: WAS / T-REX: THE COLOUR I WAS THINKING OF / T-Rex: What shade of red? Is it like, a pinky reddish shade? / Dromiceiomimus: Yep! That's the one I was thinking of! / T-Rex: AMAZING. I'll tell you a secret, Dromiceiomimus: that's the colour I see whenever I close my eyes! / Utahraptor: That's the colour EVERYONE sees when they close their eyes! / T-Rex: Really? / Utahraptor: Yeah, when you close your eyes they don't turn off - instead, you stare at the inside of your own eyelids! The red colour is from the blood vessels in them. / T-Rex: Gross. / Utahraptor: Really? Huh. / Utahraptor: It could be way grosser. / Utahraptor: When you lower your facial skin flaps, your eyes stare unblinkingly at the inside of your own fleshy head. Hair sprouts from each flap's edge. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm revoking your "able to say words" license for the day! / T-Rex: It's a harsh measure BUT: my friend, you have earned it well http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1994
i am posting this comic at an airport at 2 am! a floor sweeper just went by and joey said "nice to sweep you". seven days of this, ladies and gentlemen	Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE DISCOVERED SOME INTERESTING STAR TREK FACTS / T-Rex: Huh! / Devil: THAT I NOW PROPOSE SHARING WITH YOU / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: MAKE IT SO. / Devil: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SAME WARP FIELD TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS THE ENTERPRISE TO TRAVEL FASTER THAN LIGHT IS ALSO USED IN THE SHIP'S COMPUTER CORE IN A NON-PROPULSIVE MANNER TO FACILITATE FASTER-THAN-LIGHT CALCULATIONS / T-Rex: That's awesome! Like the old saying goes, once you have warp field technology, all your problems start to look like nails that could have warp field technology applied to them. / T-Rex: And it proves once and for all that Star Trek is better than Star Wars! / Utahraptor: What does? / T-Rex: Star Trek uses warp technology to speed up their computers, while the Star Wars jerks never apply hyperspace to THEIR compudroids or whatever! / Utahraptor: I believe Lucasian hyperspace is more "routes that are travelled" than "technology that can be adapted in new ways". / T-Rex: Ah, but are you considering the full Expanded Universe when you say that? / T-Rex: I don't actually know what I'm saying; I've just won Star Wars before when I've said that sentence. / T-Rex: Heads up! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1995
But my sense of hearing works 24/7!	T-Rex : My sense of sight is useless when I sleep, because, like MOST men of taste and breeding, I sleep with my eyes closed, staring at the inside of my fleshy head. / T-Rex : But my sense of hearing works 24/7! / T-Rex : Even when I'm sleeping, a loud noise is enough to wake me up and make me say "Hey, what's the big idea?? I was trying to be unconscious now." PLUS, while my eyesight has blind spots (usually disguised and covered up by a complicit brain), I have full 360 degree range of hearing, with not a deaf spot in sight! And by "in sight", I OBVIOUSLY mean "I'm ny audio acuity zone". / Utharaptor : Oh, suddenly now you're into hearing? / T-Rex : Dude! I've always been into hearing! / Narrator : TWO WEEKS AGO: / T-Rex : I'm SO DONE with my sense of hearing. If my friggin' sense of touch were good enough, I could hear over my entire body by feeling the soundwaves hitting it! / Utharaptor : But then you'd have to walk around naked. / T-Rex : AND?? / Narrator : BACK IN THE PRESENT: / T-Rex : HOLY CRAP you guys, was it suddenly two weeks ago for anyone else?? / T-Rex : holy crap holy crap HOLY CRAAAAP http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1996
today in orlando joey comeau and i ate at ihop and shot machine guns and had naps and went bowling. it was a 100% american day!	T-Rex: Last night I dreamed I was out on a picnic table with all my personal electronics, and this group of kids thought it was a garage sale! / T-Rex: Okay YES I KNOW DREAMS ARE STUPID, but bear with me! / T-Rex: So these kids are picking up my stuff, but suddenly it's not my stuff, it's my friend's stuff, so I can't just give it away. And when I say "it's not for sale", they're grabbing them tighter and saying, "Come on, I'm sure it is." So I yell for my friends and when they show up the kids leave, but then they come back... WITH KNIVES. / T-Rex: And THEN, I woke up! / Utahraptor: I thought you said this was a good story! / T-Rex: It is! / T-Rex: THE STORY DOESN'T END THERE. I used IMAGINATION to see what happens next! We defeated the kids using punches, and then you were secretly one kid on another kid's shoulders wearing a Utahraptor suit, so I had to punch you too! / Utahraptor: Huh. I guess I prefer your unconscious mind's stories to your conscious efforts? / T-Rex: My conscious mind says "ouch" but my unconscious says... "hey thanks me too"?! What the hell, unconscious!! We're ALL on the same team, and you need to stay CONSCIOUS of that! / T-Rex: OH, SICK BURN / Utahraptor: So, um... I guess I'll talk to you later huh http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1997
i wrote this comic after seeing the last space shuttle launch with my own two eyes, and it was awesome, but unfortunately there were no last-minute thing where they rushed me and joey on board as substitute astronauts	T-Rex: Why I want to go into space, an essay by me, T-Rex! / T-Rex: ahem / T-Rex: PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME?? / Narrator: THE END / Utahraptor: Why I want to go into space, an essay by me, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Hooray! / Utahraptor: Exploration of the universe is our first, best destiny and it concerns me that we are putting all of our eggs into one increasingly fragile basket. Let's put some eggs in other baskets! The baskets are planets, and the eggs, us. / T-Rex: OHHH I get it now / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: NOTE: DINOSAURS WENT EXTINCT WHEN THE EARTH WAS HIT BY AN ASTEROID, WHICH IS SAD BUT IT WORKS REALLY WELL FOR THIS PARTICULAR COMIC http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1998

if you're wondering about "down in florida to see the final space shuttle launch" updates, today joey and i worked in our hotel room and had a quiet lunch at a pretty nice restaurant	T-Rex: Mars! Let's go there. I really REALLY think we should go to Mars, you guys. / T-Rex: LET'S GO TO MARS / Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex! Do you know a place where it's always warm and where you instantly lose 60% of your weight? / T-Rex: Oh man! Is it Mars? It's Mars, isn't it?? / Dromiceiomimus: It's Ma- / T-Rex: LET US GO TO MARS. / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! Do you know MY favourite planet named after a war god? / T-Rex: I believe it's Mars and I think we should go there? / T-Rex: But before that, do you want to come to a party tonight? I've got lots of food and drinks and I'm inviting only the most interesting and therefore sexy people. / Utahraptor: Sounds rad! Where is it? / T-Rex: Oh, I don't know... / T-Rex/Utahraptor: MARS / Narrator: HUNDREDS OF YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: Guyyyyys / T-Rex: Mars sucks, let's terraform VENUS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1999
today joey and i fly back to toronto to resume our lives! we turn back into torontonians and give up our lives as - floridians? floridots? fluorides?	Narrator: EIGHT YEARS AGO: / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! And I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! / Narrator: NOW: / T-Rex: [[thinking]] kangaroo kicks / T-Rex: Aw, frig!! / T-Rex: I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time and my kangaroo kick count is still only at - what, five? I NEED TO UP MY GAME BY SEVERAL NOTCHES. What if... what if I kicked a kangaroo TWO thousand times instead? / Dromiceiomimus: What if you found something to do that bettered yourself AND the world around you? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus / T-Rex: I'm not sure what you think kicking a kangaroo is / Utahraptor: Yeah, I don't get this kangaroo kicking thing either! / T-Rex: It's trackable! / T-Rex: I dedicate my life to working tirelessly for the grater good, and I never know if I'm making progress. I dedicate my life to kicking an evil kangaroo two thousand times, and with every kick I can say "Hey! PROGRESS." / Utahraptor: But do something positive! Donate $100 to charity two thousand times instead! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ...I'm already five kicks in dude; I'm kinda committed now http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2000
if you don't like "internet" being used as a non-singleton, then oh boy are you cheezed after reading THIS comic huh??	T-Rex: What's that? The internet is down? FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU- / T-Rex: -nnily enough, I carry a backup internet in my phone! / T-Rex: My phone internet is down? FFFFF- / T-Rex: -ortunately, there's a library nearby! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: What's that, the library is closed? Well, FRRRRIIIIII- / T-Rex: -day means that local restaurant that's only open on Fridays and has all the free WiFis is open! / Narrator: SOON: / Utahraptor: Today's not Friday! They're closed and they turned off their internet. / T-Rex: Hey, you made the same mistake too! Listen, is the internet working on your phone? / Utahraptor: Nope. / T-Rex: THEN I AM NOT TOO PROUD TO BEG. Please, excuse me for a moment. / T-Rex: Attention, everybody! Can anyone send an email for me that reads "HEY MOM I ATE TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT LOL JK"? / T-Rex: That's "EL OH EL JAY KAY" / T-Rex: That is my EMAIL SIGNATURE and it's AMAZING and you are not allowed to STEAL IT http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2001
perhaps a better way to phrase this is, who would win in a fight: a dinosaur or a non-dinosaur?	God: HEY T-REX WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT YOU OR ME / T-Rex: Dude, me! Like all men, I secretly believe myself to be fully capable of punching out God. / T-Rex: / T-Rex: But only if circumstances demanded it, obviously!! / God: WHAT SORT OF CIRCUMSTANCES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE / T-Rex: Say you challenge me to a debate and I decide to let my fists do the debating! Or say you go rogue and the government sends me in as their last, best hope! / God: LAST BEST HOPE FOR PUNCHING OUT ME / God: GOD / T-Rex:Yep! / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! / T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor, I'm glad you're here! Listen, let me ask you, in your heart of hearts, do you believe yourself to be fully capable of punching out God? / Utahraptor: Because you think you could? Let's see what you've got! / T-Rex: Utahraptor I'm currently flexing my right arm! Do not be alarmed as you feel your heterosexuality crumbling in the face of my unbridled masculinity! / Utahraptor: I'm already gay. / T-Rex: YES / T-Rex: It works in BOTH temporal directions http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2002
if you read this comic and sighed too, don't worry, sharks don't know how to get emails and getting emails is badass too, right? sure. IT HAS TO BE.	T-Rex: We dinosaurs are pretty badass. we're apex predators and we bend the world to our will! We are the grea- / GOD: YOU'RE NOT AS BADASS AS SHARKS / T-Rex: Say whaaaat? / GOD: T-REX HOW WERE YOU BORN / T-Rex: My mom laid an egg and then later on I PUNCHED MY WAY OUT! / GOD: YAWN / GOD: MOM SAND TIGER SHARKS HAVE TWO UTERI WHERE SCORES OF UNBORN BABIES FEED FROM A YOLK SACK UNTIL IT'S USED UP AT WHICH POINT THEY START EATING EACH OTHER / T-Rex: what / GOD: INSIDE THE WOMB / T-Rex: WHAT / GOD: THE TWO SURVIVORS ARE BORN FULLY ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES / T-Rex: ...alright that is ultimate badass / Utahraptor: What is? / T-Rex: Being born a seasoned combat veteran with the scars to prove it? Being born a cannibal? GETTING BORN ONLY BECAUSE YOU WERE THE TOUGHEST, HUNGRIEST FOETUS IN ALL OF U-TOWNE?? / Utahraptor: Ah, sand tiger sharks. Yeah, they discovered this when one tried to eat the hand of a biologist during a maternal examination. / T-Rex: I never even tried to eat the hand of any animal till AFTER I was born. / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: siiigh http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2003

if you are a superhero named "super muncher and destroyer" then don't use this comic because panel 2 totally gives away your identity, but really, what kind of a superhero name is that	T-Rex: Aw frigs dangs and craps!! Circumstances and/or events have made me... ANGRY. / Narrator: I AM SUPER MAD AND DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT / a web card / T-Rex: In fact I'm so angry that right now I don't even want to talk about my feelings. I KNOW IT SEEMS INCONCEIVABLE, but right now, at this moment, all I want to do is be alone. And angry. Mad will do too. / T-Rex: Yes, I think I'm going to dedicate a fair chunk of time towards exploring Mount Angry. I think I will plant my flag right at the top! / Utahraptor: And you want the recipient of this card to leave you alone with your feelings? / T-Rex: Yes please! / Utahraptor: And to that end, we're opening the lines of communication and sending them a card preemptively. / T-Rex: YES. Does that not make sense? Because we are no longer using the laws of vanilla "regular" logic, Utahraptor! We are operating under ANGER LOGIC. / T-Rex: Anger logic says that anything that makes me mad is dumb and I hate it! / T-Rex: AND I'LL BE HONEST: / T-Rex: Anger logic's so great I kinda forget what we saw in regular logic in the first place http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2004
mr tusks i will try to be the bigger man here	Narrator: T-REX IS ON HIS WAY TO VISIT TINY TOWNE ISLAND / T-Rex: I'm off to see my friend, the Vice Mayor of Tiny Town himself: Mr. Tusks! He's a tiny elephant with island dwarfism. It's been too LONG since I've last seen him! / T-Rex: Wait frig I mean it's been a TINY bit too long since I've last seen him. / T-Rex: Man, I messed it up! I need to make "short" puns and I made a "long" pun instead. That's the opposite of short, and it's not even the opposite of the same SENSE of short! I mean short in the "tiny" sense, not in the "as opposed to long" sense. / Dromiceiomimus: Don't you have a boat to catch? / T-Rex: OH DAMN! / Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, I- / T-Rex: No time to talk; I've got a boat to catch! / Utahraptor: But I was wondering if you could te- / T-Rex: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING I'M LATE FOR MY BOAT / Utahraptor: Geez, sorry! / T-Rex: I AM NOT RUDE ENOUGH TO LEAVE IN MID CONVERSATION BUT I AM JUST RUDE ENOUGH TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT / Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND! / T-Rex: Oh Mr. Tusks, there you are! What are you doing here on the beach? / Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex! Do you know what kind of waves wash up on Tiny Towne's Beaches? / T-Rex: No, what? / Mr. Tusks: microwaves / T-Rex: Oh shit http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2005
originally the last line of this comic was "let's get burgers right now instead", but that sounded like "let's get burgers" could be used like "let's get crazy", which is awesome and which i wanted to keep ALL FOR MYSELF	T-Rex: Air gets boring! Who here is bored with air; keep breathing air if you're bored with air. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Wow, EVERYBODY?? / T-Rex: Luckily for us there are other things you can breathe instead of air! SCIENTIFICALLY, air is about 78% nitrogen, 20% oxygen, and 2% a bunch of other gasses that I don't care about right now. But you don't have to breathe that! You can also breathe PURE OXYGEN, at least for a while! Eventually fluid accumulates in your lungs but, I mean, WHATEVER. / Utahraptor: You can also breathe some other non-air combination of those gases! / T-Rex: True, yet also boring! / Utahraptor: Okay, you can also breathe PERFLUOROHEXANE, which is a liquid with enough space between molecules that it can carry oxygen in it -- more than blood can! You can fill your lungs with it and breathe normally! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR / T-Rex: WE HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW / Utahraptor: The sensation of it filling your lungs is almost entirely like drowning though. / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR / T-Rex: THAT SOUNDS SHITTY / T-Rex: LET'S GO EAT BURGERS RIGHT NOW INSTEAD http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2006
i took all these kitchen phrases from the top of my head and i am concerned that i have NO IDEA how they got there	Narrator: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT KITCHENS / T-Rex: Kitchens! There's a lot to know about kitchens. They're where you store and/or make food. / T-Rex: Hey! Now you know everything you need to know about kitchens! / Dromiceiomimus: But what about design and sink placement? / T-Rex: Well- / Dromiceiomimus: What about workflow analysis? What about the work triangle? / T-Rex: More like work BOREang- / Dromiceiomimus: What about wall storage? What about counter height? What about traffic flow? / T-Rex: Oh my gosh! / Utahraptor: What about the backsplash? What about moisture issues? What about material costs? / T-Rex: OH MY GOSH. / T-Rex: OKAY OKAY, CLEARLY there are some people who have made kitchens a thing and are big into backsplash. I don't know, nor do I even care, what backsplash is! / Utahraptor: It's the part on the wall behind the sink. / T-Rex: ARGH / Narrator: LATER / T-Rex: Man! This is THE WORST Friday morning I've ever had! In three weeks. Involving kitchens. / T-Rex: ....Is what I'd say if it weren't for Friday two weeks ago / T-Rex: sigh http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2007
tl;dr: i met someone who has the exact same name as a cat i know	T-Rex: Hello! I have some opinions about your name. Perhaps you'd like to hear them? / WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOUR NAME / a web card / T-Rex: I know you probably didn't choose it, but still. Your name. / T-Rex: Oh my god, your name. / T-Rex: I like you but sometimes I have trouble dealing with your ridiculous name. / Utahraptor: So what's this person's name? / T-Rex: Rather than saying it, I'll describe it! / T-Rex: You are one of five lucky children selected to tryout new ice cream flavours. Do you try "Hugsberry Lime" or "Pulp and Paper"? / Urahraptor: I - / T-Rex: It doesn't matter what you choose because you have a super dumb name! Suddenly, you die of it. / T-Rex: Your score is zero points. Your name is carved on your gravestone; beneath it your epitaph reads "Aw geez, I think someone messed up with his name. Good grief." / T-Rex: It was ad-libbed by the gravestone carver in a SEVERE breach of professional protocol!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2008

I guess...	T-Rex : I guess we really had... Gone With The Wind. / [[Blank Panel 2]] / T-Rex : I guess that really was... The Origin of Species. / Dromiceiomimus : I guess we really did each have our own... Great Expectations. / T-Rex : I guess we never really did learn how... To Kill A Mockingbird. / Dromiceiomimus : I guess we really had published... Bridgit Jones Diary. / T-Rex : I guess those really were Star Wars! / Utharaptor : I guess they really DID work at... The Office. / T-Rex : I guess he really WAS an Iron Man! / T-Rex : In the end, I guess they really had crossed... The Bridges of Madison County. / Utharaptor : In the end, I guess we all discovered... The Joy of Cooking / T-Rex : I guess they really did go... Back To The Future II! / Narrator : LATER: / Newsbearer Librarian: Someone broke in and added new last sentences to all the books at the library! / T-Rex : Hah hah, awesome! / T-Rex : Wait, sorry, I meant to say "oh no, how terrible!" / T-Rex : Um, whoever did it sounds handsome? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2009
what's the difference between a webcartoonist and a dick joke? some people think dick jokes are funny. what's the difference between a webcartoonist and a long distance runner? a long distance runner knows when he's crossed the line!	God: HEY T-REX WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WEBCARTOONIST AND A BROKEN FRIDGE / T-Rex: At least the fridge used to be cool! / Narrator: MORE PROFESSION JOKES / Narrator: this time optimized for WEBCARTOONISTS / T-Rex: What does a Salvation Army Santa and a webcartoonist have in common? / Dromiceiomimus: Business model! What do the Beatles and a webcartoonist have in common? / T-Rex: They both ended up with about fifty hits! / T-Rex What's the difference between a webcartoonist and a forest fire? / Utahraptor: People care when the fire burns out! / T-Rex: What's the difference between a webcartoonist and a pedophile? / Utahraptor: Your grandmother knows what a pedophile is! What do a webcartoonist, Microsoft Windows, Adobe Reader, and Flash have in common? / Utahraptor and T-Rex: Eventually you ignore the updates!! / T-Rex: Okay, seriously, though, no joking: / T-Rex: what's a webcartoonist http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2010
if you are the same way as t-rex, good news! you'll forget all about hot water heaters again by the time you finish this sentence - hey, let's all imagine some interesting members of the attractive sex naked! what.. what do you suppose they look like?	T-Rex: Ohhhh, my hot water heater's out again and I don't know what to say! / T-Rex: I've been taking cold showers almost everyday! / T-Rex: And though I know that entropy makes everything decay / It's kinda left the shower-based aspects of my life in disarray! / Dromiceiomimus: Based on a true story? / T-Rex: Inspired by true events, yes!! / Utahraptor: Didn't you write a song the last time your hot water heater broke? / T-Rex: Sure did! / T-Rex: I'm not much of a "songsmithery" but I guess I know my muse! It's, um, cold showers. / Utahraptor: Do you think there's a market for those songs? / T-Rex: As long as folks with hot water want to be reminded of when that goes away, I'll be there to sing about that circumstance! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: I stopped singing my hot water heater songs! No real reason, though. / T-Rex: I guess I just forgot that as soon as my hot water heater gets fixed, I instantly stop caring about hot water heaters forever http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2011
now, back to my dinosaur-sized car that runs on fossil fuels	T-Rex: What would it be like to be a millionaire? To have effectively unlimited disposable income? / God: WHY DON'T YOU FIND ONE AND ASK THEM / T-Rex: That's not a bad idea! / T-Rex: The only problem is, I don't know any millionaires! Where do you go to meet millionaires? Is there like, a pool I could hang out in? A pool where I can float over and say "Hey, you look nice, maybe we should be friends?" / T-Rex: "I am the only non-millionaire in this pool." / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: That's the fifth pool this week, and no millionaires! / T-Rex: Just tiny women! / T-Rex: How is it we're SO GOOD at finding pools filled with very tiny women, but no good at finding pools filled with regular-sized millionaires? / Utahraptor: Are we CERTAIN the tiny women aren't millionaires? / T-Rex: Yeah, dollars are way too big for them to hold in their tiny hands. / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: There's a lot about our world that doesn't REALLY make sense http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2012
if i came across someone who used "sexduction" to mean "seduction leading to sex" i would question their sexduction skills; i would question their basic sexductivity	T-Rex: Folks say you should learn a new word every day. At that rate, you'd need a language with 30,000 words in it! / T-Rex: That's actually not that many so I guess we're good!! / T-Rex: So today's Word of the Day means "a process whereby bacterium incorporates foreign DNA brought in by a modified F factor during conjugation." / Dromiceiomimus: Ah, the modified F factor. So desirable in a mate, yet so hard to pin down! / T-Rex: I'm not 100% sure what you think the modified F factor means, Dromiceiomius, but I WANT IN. / Utahraptor: So we know the definition, but what's the word? / T-Rex: Promise to use it at least once! / Utahraptor: Okay, fine, I promise. / T-Rex: The word is "SEXDUCTION". / Utahraptor: Sexduction. / T-Rex: I will also accept clustured words like "sexductive" and "sexductological". / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor (off-panel; might be someone else): Boy, what a delicious yoghurt! I bet it was made with all sorts of sexduction. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ...Okay so I was never even that into yoghurt in the first place but that tears it! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2013

the other backup moral is that, in retrospect, i guess the sorcerer didn't need aladdin at all, that's weird	T-Rex: Aladdin's a guy living in a mysterious city! And a sorcerer shows up and asks him to retrieve a magic lamp from a booby-trapped cave and gives him a magic ring. Oh! Also, everyone is Chinese. / Narrator: THE STORY OF ALADDIN / Narrator: as told in the 17th century / T-Rex: So Chinese Aladdin goes in and gets the lamp but gets trapped in the cave, so he rubs his ring, and a genie comes out. And the genie takes him home to his mom, who tries to clean the lamp, which makes a second, better genie come out. And there's no 3-wish limit on THESE bad boys! So Aladdin uses infinite wishes to become Super Rich With A Giant House And Married To The Princess of China Aladdin. / Utahraptor: And then the sorcerer steals the lamp, right? / T-Rex: Yep! He wishes himself to Africa to escape! / T-Rex: But Aladdin still has Ring Genie who sends him there, and together they MURDER THE SORCERER. Then the sorcerer's brother shows up at Alladin's house in woman's clothing, so Aladdin murders him too. The end! Oh he also becomes the Emperor of China! Because infinite wishes, why not? / T-Rex: In conclusion! / T-Rex: As he never wished for an end to suffering, Aladdin TRULY IS history's greatest monster. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2014
i was worried i'd written myself into a corner by giving someone as clever as t-rex wishes, but then i remembered: wait, 90s rap	God: T-REX AS YOU SPENT LAST NIGHT RUBBING EVERY LAMP IN YOUR HOUSE I FEEL COMPELLED TO GRANT YOU THREE WISHES / T-Rex: Sheesh finally!! / T-Rex: Also that was a private time but WHATEVER! / T-Rex: My first wish is for more wishes! / God: NOT ALLOWED / T-Rex: My second wish is to remove restrictions on my wishes! / God: NOT ALLOWED / T-Rex: My third wish is for you to wish for me to wish for you to wish for ME to have more restriction-free wishes! / God: NOT ALLOWE- / God: ACTUALLY WAIT I NEVER BLOCKED THAT ONE / T-Rex: Yes! NESTED WISHES PAYS OFF AGAIN. I've got infinite wishes!! / Utahraptor: Wish for an end to suffering! / T-Rex: Wait, first I need to wish that my wishes perform exactly as I expect, and that I can take them back at any point and undo their effects, EVEN IF I'M DEAD. / Utahraptor: Also, make sure you can't wish away your ability to wish! / T-Rex: YES. This is gonna be great!! / T-Rex: If you have a problem, yo, I'll solve it! I'm just gonna wish; that usually resolves it. / God: T-REX FOR MISQUOTING VANILLA ICE I'M TAKING AWAY ALL YOUR WISHES / T-Rex: THAT, my friend, is tough but fair http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2015
people say, "why don't you revisit the mirror universe from the very early comics" and to them i say, i hope you like technical revisitations	Narrator: A VISION INTO ALTERNATE UNIVERSES / MIRROR: / Out-of-sight mirror universe T-Rex: I'm looking in a mirror right now, which flips any reversed image back again! / Out-of-sight mirror universe T-Rex: also I shaved my goatee / RHYMNING: / T-Rex: This is the universe where we always rhyme! / T-Rex: ... / Dromiceiomimus: ... / Dromiceiomimus: Thinking of what to say next normally takes a little time / CHOCOLATE: / T-Rex: We're not made of chocolate! We just eat a lot of it. / Utahraptor: Choco organisms aren't viable. / THE UNIVERSE WHERE ONE THING WENT DIFFERENTLY SO EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT: / Utahraptor: These coloured lights we're under make you look green and me orange! This is a relief, as our regular colour are so flabbergastingly insane that to gaze upon them is to be consumed by gibbering madness. / T-Rex: Man! I know it. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2016
"an unfair universe" = i described the premise and none of my friends dropped everything to make it happen, THANKS FOR NOTHING "PALS"	T-Rex: We're all familiar with my amazing movie premise/actual film title, "The Earth Stops Spinning and Everybody Flies Into A Wall"! Because of an unfair universe it remains SADLY UNPRODUCED, but I still came up with an awesome sequel: / T-Rex: "The Day After The Earth Stops Spinning And Everybody Flies Into A Wall"! / T-Rex: Those who survived, either by crashing into a lake OR through store awnings, now face a World Without Rotation! Half the planet sits in six months of daylight while the other shivers through night, but their main problem isn't even that! When the planet stopped spinning yesterday, oceans sloshed onto land, and today, THEY'RE NOT ALL GOING BACK. / Utahraptor: Because without a spin there's no centrifugal force! / T-Rex: EXACTLY. / T-Rex: Spinning made the earth bulge at the equator AND pulled water up onto that bulge. With it gone the oceans settle above and below the only dry land left: a huge megacontinent wrapping around the equator. / Utahraptor: Then what happens? / T-Rex: The planet begins to contract into a more perfect sphere! / Utahraptor: [[off-panel]] No I meant, what happens to the characters in the movie? / T-Rex: Who has time for characters? It's 2 hours of ocean crashng into things. And if you think that sounds boring, you've never seen an ocean crash into a farm! / T-Rex: The sheep put on snorkel gear; it is PROBABLY the most adorable? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2017
it occurs to me that if you've never noticed the tiny woman in panel 4 and assumed she has friends, then the last panel of today's comic may seem INCURABLY INSANE	T-Rex: Because the planet spins, the earth's liquid core acts as a dynamo, generating a magnetic field! And magnetism is a force that can do work, but at our current rotational speed we only get about 60 microteslas of force, which ISN'T MUCH. / T-Rex: A stupid fridge magnet alone is 80 times stronger, and those are BORING! / T-Rex: But check it: multiply the Earth's magnetic field by a quarter of a million times, and you've got magnetic force to mess with the electrons in a frog's atoms enough that it LEVITATES. The average frog weighs 1/4000th of a human, so therefore with a billion times the earth's magnetic field EVERY HUMAN / ON THE PLANET / WOULD LEVITATE OFF INTO THE SKY. / T-Rex: So let's assume the planet's magnetic field increases linearly with rotation! / Utahraptor: Sure, why not? / Utahraptor: Then to get your desired magnetic field you just need the planet to spin a billion times faster- at which point each day would last, oh I don't know, about 40 MILLIONTHS of a second. / T-Rex: Well frig!! At that speed, the planet would tear itself apart anyway! I'm wasting my time! / T-Rex: If I can tear the planet apart, there's got to be easier ways to get a tiny woman off my couch! THAT'S RIGHT TINY WOMAN, I NOTICED YOU HANGING OUT ON MY COUCH; IT WEIRDED ME OUT AND I STARTED DOING MATH / ANYWAY / "HERE WE ARE" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2018

oh! and i am legally required to notify you that the sixth word on the list is "regrettable"	T-Rex : So there was this guy who loved frisbees! He played frisbee all the time. He was big into frisbees, you guys. / T-Rex : And then he died, and he had his body molded into memorial frisbees! For his pals! / T-Rex : THIS IS AMAZING. I need to get big into something that if I'm ever done with my body, I can turn it into a thing for my friends! I guess... I guess I knida like computers? / Dromiceiomimus : There is no way I'm using flesh computer made from your earthly remains. / T-Rex : Wow. / T-Rex : ...Really? / Utharaptor : They were his CREMATED remains that were made into frisbees! / T-Rex : OHHHHH! That makes more sense. / T-Rex : I was picturing, you know, a fleshy eldritch horror, flying in the air. / Utharaptor : No, T-Rex. This is a tasteful thing you to do after you die. / T-Rex : Man, "tasteful" is MOS DEF not on my list of "Five Adjectives or Adjective Phrases That Get Applied To Things I Do"! / T-Rex : That list is "stellar", Rrad", "peerless", "prodigal", and "done is such a way that it ruins me for other men", in case you were wondering! / Ryan : I wasn't! / T-Rex : "I wasn't anymore!", you mean! / T-Rex : ... Because when it comes to T-Rex facts, I've TOTALLY got your back? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2019
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!	Narrator: GOOD EXCUSES FOR MISSING AN APPOINTMENT / T-Rex: Let's say you missed an appointment! You probably need some good friggin' excuses! / T-Rex: Well! Here they are. / T-Rex: "My wife was giving birth, and I guess I had to be there!" / T-Rex: "The world can no longer support the demands made of it and civilization has collapsed in a Malthusian catastrophe to a pre-agricultural level!" / T-Rex: "The roads were closed due to hail?" / Utahraptor: These are good, but they rely on a specific circumstances being true! / Utahraptor: In particular, I'd imagine one might determine whether or not society has collapsed without investing too much effort. Also: hail. / T-Rex: Oh! You're not supposed to use them if they're not true. I guess they're more "good reasons" than "good excuses", bro! / T-Rex: Holy crap!! That was the first time I ever called someone "bro"!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2020
history: too many jerks??	T-Rex: Hey, English! Why you gotta be so sexist? / Narrator: WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO SEXIST, ENGLISH / T-Rex: Why you gotta have a word like "old maid", chock full of negative connotations for unmarried adult women, but there's no equivalently-negative term for unmarried adult men? / Dromiceiomimus: And don't forget "spinster"! / T-Red: Holy crap, ENGLISH! Why you gotta be DOUBLE SEXIST?? / Utahraptor: "Old and undesirable bachelor"? / T-Rex: Not lexicalized; doesn't count! / Utahraptor: Well, language generally reflects usage, so REALLY you should be asking historical generations why they thought being an adult unmarried woman was SO TERRIBLE. / T-Rex: I can't! They're all dead! / T-Rex: ...which I guess means they paid for their sexism with THEIR VERY LIVES?? / T-Rex: Hah hah hah! I finally have a way to deal with history being SO FULL of jerks! The nice people from history who died will probably make me sad though. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: You know, eventually! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2021
wikipedia oddly insists (five words in) that mistresses are kept by men, but i'm pretty sure i've seen some lesbian mistresses in my time	T-Rex: Hey, English! Despite my complaints yesterday, you're still super sexist! My only question is as follows: what gives? / T-Rex: What gives, English? / T-Rex: How come a "master" and "mistress" are totally in charge of a situation, but a mistress is ALSO somebody's piece on the side? How come "sir" and "madam" are respectful ways of addressing folks, but a madam ALSO runs a brothel? How come a governor controls AN ENTIRE NATION, while a governess - wait for it - teaches a kid what a number is? / T-Rex: Just thought you'd slip those extra meanings in and we wouldn't notice? / Utahraptor: A governess can also be a female governor! / T-Rex: Sure! But the point is, the female words are polysemous in a way the others aren't. It's like if "Utahraptor" meant "good pal" but also "sex worker you hire to do your dishes because he sucks out loud at sex." Would you want to be called "Utahraptor"? / Utahraptor: I AM good at doing dishes, and you are being SEX-NEGATIVE. / T-Rex: Oh my god, nobody is more sex-positive than me! Watch this: / T-Rex: Yayyyyyy sex! / T-Rex: Now if you would kindly get off my case, I will rest it. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2022
wikipedia now allows that women can be mistresses to other women! good work everyone, my needlessly elaborate wikipedia editing technique has PAID OFF once again	T-Rex: Holy crap, I think that couple is breaking up! Oh my gosh oh my gosh what do I do oh my gosh!! / T-Rex: Don't mind me, angry couple! I'm just walking by disinterested! / T-Rex: Tra la la! / T-Rex: Phew! Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Don't look now, but the couple I passed behind me is TOTALLY breaking up! / Dromiceiomimus: Oh man!! / T-Rex: Hello?? / T-Rex: I SAID "don't look now", DROMICEIOMIMUS. / T-Rex: I should probably go ask them where they think it went wr- / Utahraptor: Don't ask them anything! / Utahraptor: The polite thing is to ignore them! / T-Rex: Frig, I think they noticed me!! Pretend like we're having a conversation, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: We ARE having a conversation! / T-Rex: Perfect; that sounds like a 100% legit conversation! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Oh man! Why did I ever buy an Xbox when other people's emotions are / T-Rex: SO / T-Rex: ENTERTAINING http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2023

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