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|not today||[[Thought-bubble begins here; emanating from Utahraptor in panel 5]]
/ T-Rex: I've come up with some patently absurd ideas that I will pontificate upon, only to annoy the Utahraptor!
/ T-Rex: I just bet I do this because I'm bored! / T-Rex: I'm probably jealous of him too!
/ T-Rex: Probably! / T-Rex: Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course. I'm too self-absorbed!
/ T-Rex: Life is great!
/ T-Rex: Now I think I'll go stomp on a woman just because she's there! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! Don't stomp on her! God damn it, I'm so sick of telling you not to stomp on things!
/ T-Rex: You mean stomping on things.. / T-Rex: ... like this?
|birthday funnies||T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for increasing the integral count of my age! / Narrator: BIRTHDAY FUNNIES / Narrator: FUNNY 1: / Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know today was your birthday! Happy birthday! / T-Rex: Thank you! / Dromiceiomimus: Were any famous men or women born on your birthday? / T-Rex: Nope, only little babies! / Narrator: FUNNY 2: / Utahraptor: What do you get a fully grown Tyrannosaurus Rex for his birthday? / T-Rex: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it! / T-Rex & Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! / T-Rex: Best birthday ever!|
|the dangers of hubris||T-Rex: Ahh, another relaxing day for me, T-Rex, the king of the dinosaurs and the dinosaur of kings. / Narrator: T-REX IN: "THE DANGERS OF HUBRIS" / Narrator: a cautionary tale / T-Rex: And yet, my mighty heart is troubled. / T-Rex: What is left for me to do? I am king of all that I survey! I am the dominant creature on the planet! / T-Rex: Truly, I am the greatest thing ever! / Utahraptor: What are you talking about? / T-Rex: I was just saying how great I am. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you left the burner on at your house last night and it burnt down. / [[last panel blank]]|
|post hoc ergo propter hoc||T-Rex: Well, that's another house gone. I seem to be going through houses like other people go through - / T-Rex: um / T-Rex: - some manner of disposable goods! / Dromiceiomimus: Do you think this might be the result of all the bad house-related karma you've earned by stomping on other people's houses every day? / T-Rex: I don't believe in karma! / T-Rex: So: "Probably not!" / Utahraptor: You have to admit you've got through a lot of houses lately! / T-Rex: So? / T-Rex: That doesn't imply that there's some cosmic judge keeping score of my actions. You're making a logical fallacy, namely "after which, therefore becasue of". / Utahraptor: That's not a logical fallacy. / T-Rex: Yes it is. / Utahraptor: Really? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: I tell you man, I was all over the logic books in high school!|
|i'm going to solve mysteries!||T-Rex: I'm opening up my own detective agency! / T-Rex: I'm going to solve MYSTERIES! / T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Do you have any mysteries you'd like solved? / Dromiceiomimus: Well, not right now, but tell you what, T-Rex: if any come up, you'll be the first person I'll call! / T-Rex: Excellent! / Utahraptor: I've got a mystery I'd like solved! / T-Rex: Oh boy! / Utahraptor: The mystery is how a gigantic green building-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex expects to succeed as a undercover detective! / Utahraptor: That's one mystery I'd like to get to the bottom of! / T-Rex: You should know, I don't take sarcastic cases! / T-Rex: Only real mysteries, please!|
|grandfather's birthday||T-Rex: I heard it was somebody's birthday today... / T-Rex: My grandfather's! / T-Rex: Wow, that's exciting! I wonder who'll be at the party tonight? / T-Rex: Will there be cake? / T-Rex: I'll show off my balloon-animal-making skills! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you missed his birthday! It was days ago! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Yeah, that's the thing with birthdays: they only come once a year, and if you miss the day, you miss out! / T-Rex: Shoot! I'll just have my own party for him then! / Narrator: THAT EVENING... / T-Rex: Wow... Grandfather sure knows how to throw a party! / T-Rex: Who wants some cake?|
|my costume thinks it's cooler if we're just friends||T-Rex: Hallowe'en is coming up! / T-Rex: Which means, of course, that I had better get started working on my costume! / T-Rex: 2 years ago I went as a ninja! That was awesome, because I got to hit people with my ninja stick! / T-Rex: Last year I was a bear! / T-Rex: That was not so awesome. / Utahraptor: Working on costume ideas, I see! / Utahraptor: Well, good luck! This year my costume is going to kick your costume's butt! / T-Rex: Oh yeah? What are you dressing up as? / Utahraptor: I haven't decided yet! I might go for a CONCEPT. / Utahraptor: I might go as "PLATONIC LOVE". / T-Rex: Good luck representing that in a way that guys don't find inherently confusing!|
|robots||T-Rex: I need to have the best costume ever this Hallowe'en! / T-Rex: But I don't want to do something that's been done before! / Dromiceiomimus: How about a spooky mummy? / T-Rex: Lame. / Dromiceiomimus: A puppy? / T-Rex: Lame! / T-Rex: I know! I'll go as a robot! / Utahraptor: A robot?! / T-Rex: What's cooler than a robotic T-Rex? / T-Rex: THE. EVALUATION. OF. THAT. STATEMENT. RESULTS. IN. A. NULL. OUTPUT. SET / Utahraptor: ERROR DETECTED IN COMPUTATION / T-Rex: INPUT DISREGARDED: INFERIOR ROBOTIC MODEL / T-Rex: NEW. PROGRAM. ENGAGED: 10 IGNORE WHAT UTAHRAPTOR SAYS 20 UTAHRAPTOR IS LAME 30 GOTO 10 / Utahraptor: SYNTAX ERROR FOUND ON LINE 20: UTAHRAPTOR IS CLEARLY AWESOME / T-Rex: It's too late! Line 10 was already interpreted!|
|the t-rex costume||T-Rex: Maybe I'll dress up for Hallowe'en as a Utahraptor! / T-Rex: That's a great idea! / T-Rex: Then I'll be able to walk up to his friends and insult them! They'll think it's he who is the one who is insulting them! I could wear this costume ALL THE TIME. / T-Rex: Then it's decided! I will be a Utahraptor for Hallowe'en. / Utahraptor: WHAT?! / Utahraptor: First off, dressing up as a member of a RACE for Hallowe'en is insanely racist. Second of all, you don't have the skill necessary to pull it off! / T-Rex: I'll show you! / Utahraptor: Oh yeah? Well if you're going as a Utahraptor, then I'm going as a T-Rex! / Narrator: HALLOWE'EN: / Narrator: (actually the Utahraptor) [[arrow pointing at Utahraptor disguised as T-Rex]] / Utahraptor (as T-Rex): Trick or treat, or I'll stop on your house! / Off-Camera Person: Ooh! What a scary costume! / Utahraptor (as T-Rex): Thank you ma'am! I stayed up all night working on it! The vestigial arms are made of paper mache!|
|the difference between what is transmitted and what is received||T-Rex: I just realized that if I transformed what people say to me into something I want to hear, I will only hear things that appeal to me! / T-Rex: Genius! / T-Rex: I should have thought of this years ago! / Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT IS TRANSMITTED AND WHAT IS RECEIVED an allegorical comic and comic allegory / T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: Hello, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Why yes, I am super-sexy today! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, stop it! You can't just go around putting words in people's mouths! / T-Rex: Says you! / Utahraptor: Where there is lexical or syntactic ambiguity, you could argue that you are free to choose a preferred meaning - granted - but you cannot arbitrarily transform someone's words into what you want! That process undermines the very foundation of language, as words are robbed of any fixed meaning, rendering communication arbitrary and pointless! / T-Rex: That will be my epitaph, then! / T-Rex: "Here lies T-Rex, who undermined the very foundation of language"! / T-Rex: Awesome!|
|delightfully sexy double entendres||T-Rex: I have been thinking about what the Utahraptor said yesterday, and by extension the ambiguity allowable in language! / T-Rex: Take the Bible, for instance! / T-Rex: There's a text passed down for hundreds of generations, translated, re-written, re-edited. / T-Rex: Even if you don't assume that it's the word of God, the difference in meaning between what was written THEN and what you read NOW must be staggering! / T-Rex: It's often said that the only way to be immortal is through your words and ideas! / Utahraptor: I agree! / T-Rex: But the Bible shows us that language is mutable! So what's the solution? How can I ensure that the ideas I have in my head when I communicate are the same as those you get in yours when you hear me? / Utahraptor: I propose a rigorously defined language without syntactic or lexical ambiguity! / T-Rex: But how would we write puns in such a language? / T-Rex: Eh? / T-Rex: Or delightfully sexy double entendres?|
|fables told in such a way at to appeal to the greed of the reader||Narrator: FABLES TOLD IN SUCH A WAY AS TO APPEAL TO THE GREED OF THE READER IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM OR HER TO ACT MORE MORALISTICALLY COMICS / Narrator: Once upon a time: / T-Rex: Everything I have is mine, and mine alone! / T-Rex: If other people want to use what's mine, they will have to get their own. / T-Rex: There's only enough for me! / T-Rex: Sorry! / Narrator: The very next day: / Utahraptor: I just won the lottery! / T-Rex: What?! / Utahraptor: Yep! It was on a SHARED lottery ticket that I SHARED with a friend of mine! Remember? The one you didn't want to SHARE with us because you wanted to buy your own? / Utahraptor: Now my friend and I are richer! We have more money! / Narrator: MORAL: / T-Rex: I should have been more willing to share! / Narrator: (IMPLICATION: "Then I'd have more money!")|
|how to meet new people||Narrator: HOW TO MEET NEW PEOPLE / T-Rex: Meeting new people can be fun! / T-Rex: It can be tiring if you are meeting a lot of new people at once, however. Here are some tips on how to meet lots of people at once: / T-Rex: • Wear something that will identify you and make you easy-to-remember! I recommend a "crazy" scarf or a large disfiguring scar. / T-Rex: Listen attentively to people's names when you meet them! If their name is the same as yours, laugh! / Utahraptor: I've got one! / Utahraptor: Try to remember interesting stories about yourself. Having such stories close at hand allows you both to fill in awkward gaps in conversation, and also acts to give people a quick, hopefully representative picture of yourself! / T-Rex: Like when I lost someone's baby!|
|polygamy at home, a six-part miniseries||T-Rex: So... / T-Rex: Polygamy! / T-Rex: I've discovered that the problem with researching this sort of thing (polygamy) (the subject of which I am speaking) is that everybody has an agenda! / T-Rex: It's like vegetarianism: all you hear is from the militant extremes ("Meat is Murder!" "Vegetarians are Sissies") and it's hard to find a balanced viewpoint! / Utahraptor: Have you tried reading multiple sources and, then synthesizing your own viewpoint? / Utahraptor: You are reading about polygamy, after all. / Utahraptor: You know "more than one partner" ... "more than one book" ... / Utahraptor: Polygamy! / T-Rex: Polygamous READING? What's next? / T-Rex: Eh? / T-Rex: "What's next?"|
|i'm not married to it||T-Rex: I've discovered something exciting / T-Rex: Writing free-form poetry is easy, if you just write whatever pops into your head! / T-Rex: Observe! / T-Rex: radiantbox / T-Rex: f / a / l / l heaven / i to / n up / g / T-Rex: The end! / Utahraptor: That was awful poetry! / T-Rex: It was awesome! / Utahraptor: All you've done is throw some stupid words in a stupid framework! It's so stupid! / Utahraptor: Rrr! Just thinking about how bad that poem was is making me angry! / Utahraptor: That poem was so BAD! / Utahraptor: How could you make something so crappy?! / T-Rex: Okay! It was just a poem! I'm not married to it!|
|recipe comics||Narrator: RECIPE COMICS / Narrator: today's recipe: / Narrator: CHICK PEAS IN COCONUT MILK / Narrator: CUT AND SAVE! / T-Rex: Tonight is a good night I think for having Chick Peas in Coconut Milk for dinner! / T-Rex:I believe I will combine in a saucepan 2 cups of canned chickpeas, drained; 1 tomato, chopped; 4 whole cloves; 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced; and 1 1/2 cups coconut milk! / Dromiceiomimus: But aren't you forget about 1 1/2 teaspoons of turmeric and about a half a teaspoon of salt? / T-Rex: Indeed I am! The turmeric gives the dish its distinctive yellow colour. / Utahraptor: Then you bring it all to a boil, reduce heat and let it simer for 20 minutes! / T-Rex: How did you know? / Utahraptor: I make this dish all the time! It's great when served over rice, and feeds 2-3 people! / T-Rex: It does, indeed, old friend! / Utahraptor: Any final comments, T-Rex? / T-Rex:Only that if you want the food to be less watery, let it simmer longer - for up to 30 minutes!|
|sexual double standards||T-Rex: I think it's time for me to get out and meet some fine new ladies! / T-Rex: Fine new SEXY ladies! / T-Rex: Any fine new sexy ladies, please identify yourselves to me! / T-Rex: I will be pleased to seduce you after introductions have been made! / T-Rex: I am the strapping young T-Rex stomping on things! / Utahraptor: You can't honestly expect to get results by walking around shouting for "fine new sexy ladies"! / T-Rex: Says you! If a woman was walking around shouting for fine new sexy dudes, she'd be chased by men from all over! / Utahraptor: Hmm...that's true. / Utahraptor: Alright, continue shouting! I wouldn't want to support a sexual DOUBLE STANDARD. / Narrator: HOURS LATER... / T-Rex: I don't get it! Why isn't this working?! / T-Rex: (Is it me?)|
|compressed origin story comics - batman||Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: BATMAN / T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content! / T-Rex: I may be a bit idle, a bit unfocused, but at least I haven't had a night where all sense left my life! That's for darn sure! Incidentally, criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot! / Utahraptor: Want to go to the cinema, son? "The Mark of Zorro" is playing! / T-Rex: Oh boy! / T-Rex: Can you get mom to wear her pearl necklace? / Utahraptor: The one that symbolizes our family: each precious family member connected to the other? The necklace which, if one pearl is removed, is shattered forever? Sure, I don't see why not! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: My parents!|
|compressed origin story comics - superman||Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: SUPERMAN / T-Rex: I am the last son of the doomed planet of Krypton! / T-Rex: Found, adopted and raised by the kindly Kent couple, who could not have a child of their own, I was taught about Truth, Justice and the American Way! / T-Rex: As I grew, I found that I could run faster than a speeding bullet! I was more powerful than a locomotive! I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (as so)! / T-Rex: In times of trouble, I am there, as SUPERMAN! / Utahraptor: Clark? / T-Rex: No, I'm Superman! Clark Kent and I are two different people! / Utahraptor: Oh - ha ha! For a second there, you looked like him, only without the glasses! / T-Rex: Ha ha ha! / T-Rex: Anyway, I'll tell him you said "hi"!|
|compressed origin story comics - green lantern||Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN / T-Rex: "Green Lantern"?! / T-Rex: I'll be honest, I haven't read any Green Lantern comics. He's got that power ring, right? And he can make giant green fists with it? And robot suits? Can he make robot suits sometimes? / T-Rex: Anyway, um - one day Green Lantern found a power ring! / Utahraptor: It doesn't work on yellow, right? / T-Rex: Yeah! Yeah, that's right! It doesn't work on yellow. / Utahraptor: That's pretty weak. / T-Rex: No argument here. / Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN / T-Rex: One day Green Lantern found a power ring and used it to fight crime that wasn't yellow!|
|compressed origin story comics - "balls to the wall"||Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: THE PHRASE "BALLS TO THE WALL" / T-Rex: Many people assume the origin of this phrase has to do with testicles! / T-Rex: In fact, it's quite the opposite. The phrase originated with pilots of fighter planes! / T-Rex: The "balls" in question referred to the knobs on top of the plane's throttle control. When the throttle was at full, the "balls" would be "to the wall" of the cockpit! / T-Rex: And that's the origin of the phrase "balls to the wall". / Utahraptor: You are incorrect! The phrase comes from olde-fashioned steam-powered trains! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: It's true! Basically, the engines had two weighted balls, attached to a vertical shaft that was connected to the engine. As the engine speed increased, these two balls would be raised higher because of centrifugal force! At top speed, they would be parallel to the ground, nearly touching the "walls" of the shaft! / T-Rex: Hence, "balls to the wall"! Man! / T-Rex: That's sweet!|
|compressed origin story comics - your sense of disenchantment||Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS / Narrator: Today's origin story: YOUR SENSE OF DISENCHANTMENT / T-Rex: Your sense of disenchantment comes from a realization that the world is not as you believed! / T-Rex: People lie and get away with it. Murders go unsolved! There are people who only interact with you because they think it might be profitable for them. / T-Rex: You were raised on fairy tales, where there were no moral grey areas, where good and bad were clear, where there was never any real doubt over which side would win in the end! / T-Rex: Each lurid death reported in the paper akes you a little more cynical: a little more dead inside. / Utahraptor: Wait! / Utahraptor: What if this sense of disenchantment came not from a flawed world, but rather a growing realization that they themselves are flawed? Nothing's more depressing than realizing that you can't live up to your hopes, that you'll never live out your dreams, that you probably let those you care about down, everyday! / T-Rex: Holy! / T-Rex: Why don't you tell me what you really think?|
|It was crazy!||T-Rex: I had the strangest dream last night... / T-Rex: It was crazy! / T-Rex: Or at least, I think it was crazy. I don't remember much of the dream: all I remember is waking up and thinking, "Wow, what a crazy dream!" / T-Rex: I wonder what could have happened? / T-Rex: Oh well! / Utahraptor: That's it? That's all you have to say? / T-Rex: What? It's all I remember! / Utahraptor: Well, there's not really much for us to talk about, is there? You had a dream that may have been crazy, but you don't remember it. / Utahraptor: Whoo! Let's get this conversation started! / T-Rex: Well, what are YOU doing here, if we have nothing to talk about? / T-Rex: Yeah, that's what I thought!|
|the horse raced past the barn fell||T-Rex: "Garden path" sentences are those that trick you into thinking that they will mean one thing, but then as you read more of the sentence, that meaning is shown to be false! / T-Rex: For instance: "The horse raced past the barn fell"! / Dromiceiomimus: Why, that sentence is senseless! / T-Rex: Aha, my friend, so it would seem! But it actually refers to a horse, which at some point in the past was raced past a barn, and now that same horse has fallen over! / Utahraptor: That sentence is stupid! / T-Rex: What are you saying? / Utahraptor: What I'm SAYING is that nobody would ever say that. They'd say, "The horse that I raced past the barn has now fallen over"! / T-Rex: Well, they could, but they could ALSO say my sentence! / Utahraptor: Only if they were incurably insane! Do horses even fall over? / T-Rex: Sure man, all the time! / T-Rex: Farmer's call them nature's dominoes!|
|happiness comics||Narrator: HAPPINESS COMICS / T-Rex: Many philosophical systems seem predicated on increasing your happiness, either of yourself, or more globally! / T-Rex: I wonder, is happiness such a valid goal? / T-Rex: Furthermore, if I had a machine that I could press a button on, and it would make me happy - perfectly content, indistinguishable from the real emotion - would I do anything but press the button all day long? / T-Rex: It's hard to say! / Utahraptor: Aren't you describing an addiction to drugs? Something that makes you artificially happy? / T-Rex: um / T-Rex: Yeah, I guess you could see it that way. / Utahraptor: I guess / [[T-Rex thinking]] / T-Rex: Hmm!|
|american thanksgiving||T-Rex: Seeing as i missed Thanksgiving last month, I am celebrating a new holiday today, one which I just invented! I call it, "American Thanksgiving"! / Narrator: AMERICAN THANKSGIVING COMICS / Narrator: (similar, but distinct, from regular Thanksgiving) / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, would you like to come over tonight for a big "American Thanksgiving" dinner? / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! I'll bake a delicious pumpkin pie for dessert! / T-Rex: Excellent! / Utahraptor: What's the deal with this "American Thanksgiving" holiday you invented, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Well! / T-Rex: It's a time for us to reflect on all the great things we have, such as food and shelter! You spend an evening with friends and family. Want to come over for American Thanksgiving? / Utahraptor: Sounds great! I'll bring some of my famous pumpkin pie! / Utahraptor: You can never have too much pie! / Narrator: CONCLUSION: / T-Rex: American Thanksgiving is similar, but distinct, from regular Thanksgiving.|
|comics with long contextualizing titles||Narrator: COMICS / Narrator: IN WHICH A POINT IS EFFECTIVELY PROVEN BY ANALOGY / Narrator: BUT ALSO / Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH THE READER LACKS SUFFICIENT CONTEXT BY WHICH TO MAKE THE POINT CLEAR TO HIS OR HER SELF. / Utahraptor: Well look at it this way, T-Rex! What's more important in a song: the words or the music? / T-Rex: Um - well, they're both important. It's not a song without music, but for most songs, the words are important too. / Utahraptor: See my point? / T-Rex: hmm... / T-Rex: Oh yeah!|
|nostalgia for the present||T-Rex: Suddenly I feel as if my future is full of new choices, new directions! / T-Rex: My choices are mine to decide! / T-Rex: But yet, I feel troubled. If I make some change in my life, what of those I leave behind? / T-Rex: I am happy here, but I know I won't be happy if I stay here forever. Leaving becomes a bitter-sweet necessity. / T-Rex: If only there were some way that I could come back to now... some way I could save this world to peek in once in a while. / Utahraptor: Why so glum? / T-Rex: I was just thinking how, if I were to leave, that would change many things. / Utahraptor: Nostalgia for the present? / T-Rex: Yeah, I guess so. / Utahraptor: I'd be careful with that, T-Rex... nostalgia can be a powerful drug! / T-Rex: I'm high right now!|
|pirates!||T-Rex: I wonder, what's the best thing that could happen to me today? / T-Rex: Maybe I could win the lottery! / T-Rex: Or maybe when I stomp on this house, it will crack open to reveal treasure! Gold doubloons! / T-Rex: PIRATE'S doubloons! / Utahraptor: How come all your fantasies involve you becoming fantastically rich? / T-Rex: Not true! / T-Rex: My fantasies also involved pirates. / Utahraptor: You know, pirates weren't the romantic figures you think they were. They raped, murdered and ruined lives! Just because they had (admittedly) awesome ships doesn't make them good role models! / T-Rex: Debateable!|
|i never knew my father||PERSONAL REVELATION COMICS / T-Rex: Forget it! I'm sick of everybody acting like they know what's best for me! / T-Rex: From no on, I'm doing what I feel like, when I feel like doing it! / T-Rex: And today, I feel like stomping on a house full of people I don't know, and then I think I feel like finding a loose woman and running off to some tropical country without an extradition treaty, where I will set up a home where we can live comfortably, and there I'll have sex with this woman! / So there! / Utahraptor: How can you act like this!? / T-Rex: What are you talking about? / Utahraptor: Well, it just seems that this kind of activity isn't how your parents raised you to behave! / Utahraptor: What would your father say? / T-Rex: I never - / T-Rex: I never knew my father!|
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