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Mallethead - The Cold Face Saga A Tale of Loss, Redemption, and the Quebec Nordiques / Mallethead: I CAN SMASH JUNK WITH MY FACE! / Mallethead: YES, SIR...
Mallethead - The Cold Face Saga Mallethead in Yam Fun! / Mallethead: I GREW THIS YAM!
Mallethead: The Cold Saga Mallethead in Eggs-zactly! / Ms. Mallethead: Mallethead, this Faberge egg is very delicate and expensive. / Ms. Mallethead: I want to keep it a long time. I'm going to leave now. / (sweating) / SMAK a-roonie! / Mallethead: I HAVE TO FLEE THE COUNTRY.
Mallethead: The Cold Saga Mallethead: Frozen Hammer! / Mallethead (thinking): Just play it cool, Mallet...nobody knows you broke the Faberge egg - you can hide out in Canada... / Mallethead: GOOD DAY. I'D LIKE TO ENTER YOUR COUNTRY OF CANADA, WHERE I AM ALSO FROM. / Orange Guard: OK, sir, let me simply raise the gate... / (gate): l'Stop! / Mallethead (thinking): MUST...CONTROL...FACE OF DEATH! / Orange Guard: Eh? / SPTAK! / Orange Guard: UNHHH... / Mallethead (thinking): Something about that guy bugged me...
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga Narration: Mallethead in: Mal-apropos! / [[Mallethead approaches a news/beer stand]] / Mallethead (thinking): I hope Canada has some job for a hammerhead like me... / Mallethead: G'DAY, MATE! I'D LIKE A PAPER! / News/beer stand operator: @#*!! tourist... / Mallethead (thinking): Classifieds...section zed...please let there be something I'd be good at... / Closeup of classifieds: Wanted: Snow compressor inquire at..00 ~ to club baby harp seals - must have own crushing instrument - 555-3180 ~ Needed - big log pounder to pound.. ~ Seeking head bashing big elk training partner 555-1400 ~ Looking to hire: general beer hooligan - call KLOndike-3281 ~ Hockey team seeks enforcer - knock hard on steel door ~ Ice smasher..300 / Mallethead (thinking): I love this country!
 
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[The Quebec Nordiques are suiting up - the door to their locker room gets a big hole smashed in it. It's Mallethead.]] / <> / [[Mallethead, wearing a toque, speaks through the hole.]] / Mallethead: I HEARD A HOCKEY TEAM NEEDS AN ENFORCER... / Robbie Ftorek: I think you've got the job, friend! / [[Ftorek has now opened the door - three feet of snow has piled inside with him.]] / Mallethead: HEY! YOU'RE THE QUEBEC NORDQUES! / Robbie Ftorek: At your service, eh? / Mallethead: YOU MOVED LIKE SIX YEARS AGO! / Robbie Ftorek: No, the FRANCHISE moved. The real team, the HEART, remained. / [[A series of shots of the Quebec Nordiques doing hockey puck tricks, rescuing a toqued cat from a tree, and forming a human chain to save somebody who's fallen down a waterfall]] / Robbie Ftorek (voice-over): You see, the players who had given their souls to this team realized it could nver really move. Without direction, we all kept showing up at 'l'Colisee,' without games, without paychecks, without hope. We persevered. Nowadays, we barnstorm around Canada, scaring up games to make ends meet, helping good people out of jams when we can. We're all good men trying to redeem wasted chances. / [[Mallethead is now wearing a Nordiques uniform and a helmet.]] / Mallethead: WASTED CHANCES!? / Robbie Ftorek: We have dark sides too. We're sort of a Canadian foreign legion.
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[Peter Statsny stitches up a patient's chest, as Mallethead, apparently assisting, and a woman look on]] / Woman: Thank you for performing the bypass, Peter Statsny. The gouvernment said the waiting list was 384 years. / Peter Statsny: Happy to, ma'am. Nouw, would you knouw where a team could find a houckey game in these parts? / Woman: Boubby here plays oun the loucal team. I'm sure we can wourk soumething ouut. / Peter Statsny: Much oubliged. / [[Mallethead and Peter Statsny walk along with medical bags]] / Mallethead: YOU GUYS ALL SEEM LIKE SAINTS - HOW COULD YOU HAVE DARK SIDES? / Peter Statsny: People are complicated, Mallet - in every person there's potential for good AND bad. And sometimes both come out... / [[They have arrived at the team bus, which is painted like the Partridge Family bus]] / Peter Statsny: ...I killed 3 guys who confused me with Anton Statsny. Gaetan Duchesne sold his mom into slavery when she confused him with Steve Duchesne. Ron Low was the goaltender for the Washington Capitals their FIRST SEASON! / [[Now on the bus, we only see dialogue coming out of the bus]] / Mallethead: WOW. / Peter Statsny: Now, I know fate well enough to know you've ended up here to escape your past, too. What haunts YOU, friend? / Mallethead: I...BROKE MY WIFE'S FABERGE EGG. / Peter Statsny: Heh. That's the same reason Bob Roberds is here. / <> / Bob Roberds: No, I did a thing called "Naked Anime Chick" in my comic strip "Soap on a Rope." / Peter Statsny: Oh, that's right. / {{I recently realized the correct spelling is 'Stastny.'}}
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[A hockey player in a purple uniform skates along through the snow pack. A sign in the background reads "Mooseigloonauk (3?) Visitor 18"]] / [[He skates up to Mallethead, who stands, without a hockey stick]] / [[He skates the opposite direction as Mallethead pursues him]] / [[Two players on the Nordiques bench converse]] / (Wilf) Paiment: The kid's good on defense. / Goulet: Think we should give him a stick? / Paiement: Why mess with success? / OS: <> / {{BoxJam acting all important: It bugs me that I spelled it 'defense' - it should be spelled the Canadian way, 'defence'}}
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga Mario Marois: You're a great defenceman, Malle, with a fierce face check. / Mallethead: THANKS, MARIO MAROIS. / Mario Marois: But we're the Nordiques, and we're about more than hockey. We're about caring. / Mallethead: UH-OH / [[They are now on the bus]] / Mario Marois: Frankly, the guys and I are worried you're addicted to face smashing... / Mallethead: ADDICTED? / Mario Marois: Since you've been with us, you've smash a door, a car, a car door, three hams, a trophy, two moose and countless opposition. / Mallethead: THIRTY-SIX. / Mario Marois: You've got a problem. But it's going to have to wait right now - ROUGE ALLERT, MEN! It's the blasted Winnipeg Jets! / Bob: Frozen beer! I hate those guys! / Anonymous Nordiques: We all do, Bob. They're our sworn enemy. / Bob: Oh. Right. / [[sign on back of bus: "Caution: Nervous Quebecois Driving"]]
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[Two Winnipeg Jets and two Quebec Nordiques meet in the headlight glare of their two team buses - one of the Nordiques is Mallethead]] / Dale Hauerchuk: So, Mr. Ftorek. We meet again. / Robbie Ftorek: Mr. Hauerchuk. What do you want? / Dale Hauerchuk: THE SAME THING I ALWAYS WANT! STOP DATING MY SISTER!! / Robbie Ftorek: ...Make me... / [[Dale Hauerchuk thrusts his fist into the snow pack]] / Dale Hauerchuk: Ooooooohhh...that tears it! The Winnipeg Jets challenge you to KUNG FU DEATH HOCKEY! / Robbie Ftorek: So be it.]] / [[Mallethead and Ftorek walk away]] / Mallethead (stage whisper): (PSSST...KUNG FU DEATH HOCKEY?) / Robbie Ftorek: It's pretty much like regular hockey, but with lots more kicking...
 
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[Melee of Nordiques and Jets in Kung Fu Death Hockey. In the foreground, a Nordiques delivers a skate kick to a Jets' face. In the background, Mallethead is face-smashing a Jet. Further in the background, two players are fighting high in the air]] / Inset Text: MEANWHILE... / [[BoxJam is watching TV]] / BoxJam: Umm...honey? / Ms. BoxJam (offscreen): Yeah? / [[Ms. BoxJam has entered, holding a dish and towel]] / BoxJam: I think I found Mallethead... / Ms. BoxJam: What!? / [[Ms. BoxJam is looking at the TV]] / Ms. BoxJam: Oh my God it IS Mallethead! We have to tell his wife! / <> / Ms. BoxJam: Is that the Quebec Nordiques and Winnipeg Jets playing some sort of Kung Fu Death Hockey? / BoxJam: Yeah ~ Our lame cable system only gets ESPN-4...
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga [[Mallethead is engaged in stick-to-stick combat with Doug Smail - we get a closeup, then a closeup closeup - what's Mallethead doing with a stick?]] / Mallethead (thinking): JUST NEED ONE CLEAR OPENING FOR MY MALLET OF DEATH - BUT WILL I BE FALLING INTO MY SAME SMASH-A-HOLIC PATTERNS? / Mallethead (thinking): IF I DON'T GO TO FACE SMASHING, THEN WHITHER, MALLET? WHITHER? / [[Mallethead sweats in closeup]] / [[Mallethead delivers a devastating knee-to-the-groin - Doug Smail's stick also breaks (symbolically)]] / [[Mallethead's wife has arrived]] / Mallethead's wife: IS THAT DOUG SMAIL, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
Mallethead: Cold Face Saga Mallethead: HONEY! / Mallethead's wife: I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A SMASH-A-HOLIC - I NEED YOU HOME! / Mallethead: I'M NOT ADDICTED TO FACE-SMASHING ANYMORE - I KNEED THAT LAST GUY IN THE GROIN! / Mallethead's wife: C'MERE YA BIG KNUCKLE-HEAD! / [[Mallethead and his wife are surrounded by Partridge Family Mondrian-esque rectangles as they kiss - their faces perfectly sealed together]] / Inset Exposition: Later...Much Later... / [[Mallethead has his arm around his wife]] / Mallethead: SORRY TO BAG ON YOU, GUYS, BUT I HAVE TO GET HOME... / Peter Statsny (identifiable by the 'C' on his jersey): Believe me, Mallet...the Nordiques know about fate. It's fate that you're leaving. / Mallethead: THANKS FOR THE FABERGE EGG... / Anonymous Nordiques: No problem friend... / [[Mallethead and wife are far off in the distance]] / Peter Statsny: There goes the best defenceman we ever had... / <> / [[Peter Statsny's head is in the snow pack]] / Peter Statsny: Sacre bleu...it was just for dramatic effect, Tremblay... / Footnote: P.S. The Nordiques won the epic Kung Fu Death Hockey game, scoring 5 goals, 18 takedowns and a late rouge. / Inset exposition: l'Fin. / {{I recently realized the correct spelling is 'Stastny.'}}
Vegemellow Ad {{A Vegemellow(tm) ad}} / [[Toe-Jammer thrusts a sword home into Vegemellow(tm)-head's chest]] / Toe-Jammer: Ha! I've finally succeeded in killing Vegemellowhead(tm)! [[sic]] / Vegemellow(tm)-head: HOW...MUCH...*COUGH* HATRED...IS IN THE...*COUGH* WORLD... / [[Vegemellow(tm)-head on the ground; Toe-Jammer still holds the sword firmly in him]] / Toe-Jammer: Die, that I may eat your foamy meatless head! / Vegemellow(tm)-head: GOODBYE, SON... / [[Ms. Toe-Jammer has entered]] / Toe-Jammer: Son!? Dad? / Ms. Toe-Jammer: It's true...and I'm your mother... / Toe-Jammer: *Sigh* - I'm supposed to gouge my eyes out now, I guess... / Ms. Toe-Jammer: Here, hon, I brought my broach! / Caption: Eat vegemellows(tm) - they're intense! / Inset: End. / [[Text under comic: So the story behind this one is that BoxJam did it before he was told there is no Vegemellow(tm). No, it's more like he would do after he found out, but he was SO devastated that...ah, to hell with it. There is no context. It's just another ad.]]
Vegemellow Ad {{A Vegemellow ad}} / [[Toe-Jammer chases Vegemellow(tm)-head]] / Toe-Jammer: Come back here, Vegemellow(tm)-head! / Vegemellow(tm)-head: OH NO! TOE-JAMMER IS AFTER ME AGAIN! / [[Toe-Jammer standing still, holding up flaming arrows.]] / Toe-Jammer: With these FLAMING ARROWS, I'm sure to enjoy Vegemellow(tm)-head flambé tonight! / [[Toe-Jammer has drawn an arrow in his bow. Vegemellow(tm)-head is in the background.]] / Toe-Jammer: Have to remember to AIM FOR HIS HEAD... / [[Toe-Jammer's sleeve is aflame - as he flails the arrow falls to the side harmlessly.]] / Toe-Jammer: WAUGH!! My rayon muumuu's caught fire! I'm on fire!! / [[Vegemellow(tm)-head winks at us. In the background, Toe-Jammer is engulfed in flame.]] / Vegemellow(tm)-head: MAYBE NEXT TIME, TOE-JAMMER SHOULD JUST GET VEGEMELLOWS(tm) AT HIS FAVORITE GROCER! / Toe-Jammer: OH GOD HELP ME! HELP ME OH GOD OH GOD...
 
Vegemellow Ad {{A Vegemellow(tm) ad}} / [[Toe-Jammer is ritually draining blood from his wrist by a penatagram, each point of which has a burning candle.]] / Toe-Jammer: By summoning a demon, I'll finallycatch Vegemellow(tm)-head, that I may devout him! / [[A demon appears; Toe-Jammer kneels before it.]] / Toe-Jammer: O great demon, fetch me the meat-free marshmallow-y taste of Vegemellow(tm), in the form of Vegemellow(tm)-head! / [[The demon begins to eat Toe-Jammer.]] / Toe-Jammer: WAUGHH! DON'T EAT ME! AAAAAAUUGGHHH! / [[Vegemellow(tm)-head, different scene]] / Veemellow(tm)-head: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CATCH ME TO ENJOY VEGEMELLOWS(tm)! JUST GO TO THE SNACK AISLE! / [[back to scene]] / Toe-Jammer (from inside demon): How long will I suffer in the acids of your demonic stomach? / Demon: Forever. / [[Inset: End.]]
Vegemellow Ad [[Toe-Jammer knocks on the clubhouse door of "The Haters." Writing on the wall: "Keep Out"]] / Toe-Jammer: Disgruntled youths will be willing to help me catch Vegemellow(tm)-head! / <> / [[The door is answered by an angry youth]] / Toe-Jammer: Em...pardon me...I know somebody I'd like you to beat up because he looks DIFFERENT from you! / [[The angry youth swipes a broken bottle down Toe-Jammer's face, sending out a shower of blood.]] / Angry Youth: Yeah - you! / [[Two angry youths kick at the supine Toe-Jammer]] / Angry Youth 1: Uh! Uh! Uh! / Angry Youth 2: Uh! Uh! / [[Vegemellow(tm)-head looks mirthful.]] / Vegemellow(tm)-head: VEGEMELLOW(TM)! WORTH DYING FOR!
Pilot My family likes plenty of attention. In Little BoxJam-ina, it comes out in crying and wanting to be held. In Little BoxJam, it comes out as him wanting me to do things that are painful. / Little BoxJam: Bup! Pay more attention to me! / Ms. BoxJam is more understanding. We plan to spend a lot of time together in eighteen years. / Little BoxJam: Bup! Pick me up with your hair! / BoxJam-ina: Na! Na! Na! Na! / Ms. BoxJam: "Shakespeare in Love" might still be playing in 2016...
Andy Griffith Message Board BoxJam: There's an Andy Griffith website I like to go to... / BoxJam: Somebody put a message about school shootings, & how she longed for the days of Mayberry again. / Computer Screen: New=Bad Old=Good! / BoxJam: I had to respond. I pointed out that Mayberry was fictional, and that plenty of evil was in the world during TAGS (footnoted) run. / Footnote: What we insiders call The Andy Griffith Show / BoxJam: I got flamed, with plenty of "come now's," "Don't Tell Me's," and stuff. Nobody posting agreed with me. You think you know cyber people... / Computer Screen: Come now, #@!! Don't be ridiculous ?!!
Card Game War BoxJam: Little BoxJam calls me "Bup." He named me that when he was a baby. Last week, I taught him the card game "War." / Little BoxJam: Bup! Wanna play Ward again? Huh? Can we play Ward? It's really fun! Let's play Ward! / BoxJam: He learns how to change games quickly so he never loses. / Little BoxJam: This game is almost like Ward, except this card is very valuable. / BoxJam: Three of Spades? / Little BoxJam: Yes. Most valuable. / BoxJam: I think that's the first game of War I ever finished. / Little BoxJam: Good try, Bup. But I'm very good at Ward. Better than you-
 
Rain Ms. BoxJam is a psychologist. She claims it just seems like it rains more on trash day. She's wrong. / Today, a duck couple moved into the (new) lake on the side of our house.
BoxJam's Doodle Comics BoxJam: Lately work is just lots of the same problems over & over. / Nameless coworker: OK, the router is sending back the address of...but the...exe is...so we're...gpf...do you...you could... / BoxJam: I find myself tuning out a lot. / BoxJam: A LOT...
The Gil Thorp Bucketeers BoxJam: You know what's interesting about the Gil Thorp website (www.gilthorp.com)? Most of the regulars there just bash on Gil Thorp, endlessly. / Computer Screen: Why I dislike Gil #2,412 / BoxJam: I try to defend Gil, but it's like he's trapped in his site getting burned at the stake in a fire fueled by a couple dozen bashers. / BoxJam: Sometimes I find myself without a defense. Why is the first baseman so out of position? Do they think we won't notice?
BoxJam's Doodle Comics BoxJam: Little BoxJam-ina is learning to wave and say 'hi.' It sounds like 'ha' so far. / Little BoxJam-ina: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! / BoxJam: But she likes to do it. / Little BoxJam-ina: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
BoxJam's Doodle Comics BoxJam: Home ownership is a real pain a lot of the time. / BoxJam: I think my favorite "What part of the house will water shoot out of next?" moment was when the sump pump in our two-and-a-half foot crawl space disconnected and created an underground fountain.
 
Toys BoxJam: We got Little BoxJam-ina one of those pop-o-matic on wheels things. She looked at us like "If you would just pick it up it wouldn't make that sound." / BoxJam: You never much think about bath toys during the day. Then, suddenly you're in the tub, and it's like, "Oooh, rubber lizard," or "Whoa. Weebles boat guy."
BoxJam's Doodle Walter Johnson Tribute BoxJam: Walter Johnson, "The Big Train," "Barney," was one of the greateest pitchers of all time: 416 career wins. / BoxJam: A couple of years ago I visited his grave. It looked like nobody had visited it in a while. / Disembodied Voice: One of the 5 first inductees into the Hall of Fame 2.17 Lifetime E.R.A. - 110 shutouts - .599 winning percentage - led league in strikeouts 12 times - in 1913, went 36-7 with a 1.09 E.R.A. / BoxJam: He was loved by all who played with him. The dominant pitcher of his era. Nobody spoke ill of him. Fifty years after he died, all but forgotten.
BoxJam's Doodle Comics BoxJam: One of my favorite things is crosswords. Doing them, & constructing them. / Little BoxJam: Hey, Bup, is that a crossword? Can we do it together? I'm going to write 'pup' here, OK? Can I put some O's here? / BoxJam: Little BoxJam likes to help.
BoxJam's Doodle Comics [guy with sideburns points at Mark Trail] / BoxJam: You know what would make an excellent "Mark Trail"? Some guy with sideburns says, "Hey, Trail, the works of 'Shakespeare' were written by the Earl of Oxford." / Mark Trail: What th'!? / [foreground bird, with small silhouette of Mark Trail punching sideburns guy] / BoxJam: Mark decks the guy with one punch. / [Mark Trail and Rusty stand with maybe guns, maybe fishing poles] / BoxJam: After cops take the guy away, Mark and Rusty go fishing or hunting or something. / [portrait of Jack Elrod] / BoxJam: Jack Elrod RULES.
BoxJam's Doodle Comics [[Neighbor putting shovel in trunk]] / Neighbor: Well, I'm off to dig some holes near the reservoir. / BoxJam: My neighbor is kind of creepy.
 

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