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| Goats comic strip from January / 12 / 2004: hellspawn (8) | My Killer Robot Skull-Fucked Your Honor Student. / Oliver, open this door right now. / Go away, I'm masturbating. / / My Killer Robot Skull-Fucked Your Honor Student. / i know you're upset, but we need to discuss this. / I swear if you don't go away I'll knife you in the face. / / amazon / We say 'stab' in this house... http://www.goats.com/archive/040112.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 14 / 2004: hellspawn (9) | I just can't seem to connect with Oliver. We have nothing in common / Strong relationships are built from the timber of shared experience. Is there some activity the two of you can do together? / / He likes to make unstoppable homicidal robots. / In many ways, his act of creation mirrors your own in creating... http://www.goats.com/archive/040114.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 16 / 2004: hellspawn (10) | So. Makin' a robot, I see. / This kit sucks. I can't get the quantum annihilators aligned properly. / / Did it come with a willie? / Ugh. Dad, no it did not come with a willie. / / Because in my day, we didn't have kits. We made them ourselves, out of empty coffee cans and VIC-20 motherboards. And each and every... http://www.goats.com/archive/040116.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 19 / 2004: hellspawn (11) | Oliver, when a chicken sees his offspring creating a murderous automaton, it brings to mind his own most cherished and repressed childhood memories. As such, I feel as though I should share with you a tale from my own childhood that might help us understand one another. / Fine. Give me some chocolate. / / I... http://www.goats.com/archive/040119.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 21 / 2004: hellspawn (12) | In 1986, Roy Cohn's demonic soul left his body and raged its way towards Hell, where it would stand beside Satan himself as a lieutenant and sperm receptacle. / / On its way, however, it would stop briefly at Jerry's Old-Fashioned Egg Farm on the outskirts of Plainsboro, New Jersey. / / There, Cohn's ectoplasmic... http://www.goats.com/archive/040121.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 23 / 2004: hellspawn (13) | Some days later, a disheveled gentleman purchased a seemingly ordinary carton of eggs from his local convenience store. / / This gentleman, who raised me as a son, was the son of Nazi war criminal Loovis Von Herstreicher and a retired high school choir teacher. / / Loovis Junior adopted the twelve of us into... http://www.goats.com/archive/040123.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 26 / 2004: hellspawn (14) | Loovis Junior raised us with both hands -- a firm fist and a cruel open palm. We were soldiers, after all. Soldiers of the Fuhrer. / / Loovis Junior's father had penned such rousing German standards as "Das Fuhrer ist so Wundervolle" and "I liebe, Esel zu saugen". His own attempt at writing pro-Nazi ditties... http://www.goats.com/archive/040126.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 28 / 2004: hellspawn (15) | My brother Ernesto ran a cloning lab in the basement, working feverishly to resurrect the Furhrer's legacy. / My brother Ernesto ran a cloning lab in the basement, working feverishly to resurrect the Fuhrer's legacy. / / Prosciutto and T-Bone were in charge of intimidation and general terror maintenance. / / The... http://www.goats.com/archive/040128.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 30 / 2004: hellspawn (16) | Sometimes I would sneak down to the basement with a pouch of Big League Chew and check on Ernesto. Being trapped in a small room with Hitler clones is not good for mental well-being. / How's it going? / Not good. / / We lost another clone. Brain function was severely reduced. He could only communicate in short,... http://www.goats.com/archive/040130.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 02 / 2004: hellspawn (17) | How did you get down here, anyway? / I told Prosciutto someone parked an Iroc-Z down the street. It's time to bust out, Ernesto. / / It's too dangerous, Diablo. / Loovis wants to dress the choir in matching members only jackets. I cannot let that happen. I have a plan, but I need your help. / / Fine, what... http://www.goats.com/archive/040202.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 04 / 2004: hellspawn (18) | No way. I'm not cloning you. / The sheer volume of Diablos that would result from a billiontuple-fold cloning would blow the roof right off the house. / / There's still the perimiter guard to get past. And we don't have the biomass to clone you a billion times. / How many times could you clone me? / / Umm... Twice. / We'll... http://www.goats.com/archive/040204.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 06 / 2004: hellspawn (19) | After some debate, Ernesto and I agreed on a plan. / This plan sucks. What about T-Bone and Prosciutto? / Don't worry. You leave them to me. / / Maybe we should reconsider. Loovis isn't that bad / You're talking about a man who once ate a librarian. I think she might disagree with you. / / Sometimes I wish I was... http://www.goats.com/archive/040206.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 09 / 2004: hellspawn (20) | Hey, you nerds! / T-Bone, did I hear correctly? Did some wiseguy just call us NERDS? / / Yes Mister Prosciutto. / You're in enough trouble as it is, Diablo. There was no Iroc-Z. And what is that egghead doing out of the basement? / / Ernesto has come to challenge T-Bone to an intricately choreographed tied-wrist... http://www.goats.com/archive/040209.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 11 / 2004: hellspawn (21) | Eat my steel, you Nazi stooge. / / Gah. / / Avenge me, Diablo! Avenge my death! / What? With violence? You know how much I hate that stuff. http://www.goats.com/archive/040211.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 13 / 2004: hellspawn (22) | They let you go! Did it work? / / Yup. They're looting through your dead clone's pockets. / That Chinese finger puzzle I left them should keep them busy for a few hours. / / And now, with T-Bone and Prosciutto out of the way, Loovis Junior will fall. / I will crush his skull beneath the fearsome hooves of the... http://www.goats.com/archive/040213.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 16 / 2004: hellspawn (23) | click / And then, things moved quickly. We charged right into the middle of Thursday afternoon choir drills, clicking away like epileptic Hottentots. / / Loovis Junior was wicked scared of Hottentots. While he was still incapacitated by shock, I launched our secret weapon -- the Octohitler -- directly at... http://www.goats.com/archive/040216.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 18 / 2004: hellspawn (24) | Within minutes, Loovis was dead from testicular shock. / / My siblings, as if awakened from a long slumber, silently walked away from that house of horrors. They scattered to the far corners of the earth, never to be reunited again, except maybe for the occasional sequel. / / Only Ernesto and I remained behind,... http://www.goats.com/archive/040218.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 20 / 2004: hellspawn (25) | Finally I left home, and began my own amazing adventures, available in a separate volume, on sale this week only. / That's a stupid story. You're stupid. / / I'm glad you liked it. Vonda and Gumberto went on to pen a screenplay telling an eerily similar story which was optioned by the studios, secretly rewritten... http://www.goats.com/archive/040220.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 23 / 2004: chaos pope (1) | Did you know that a cat's urine glows under a black light? / Just...just shut up. Shut UP. / / Don't you want to know how I found out about that juicy tidbit? / You and your funny little adventures and your mildy offensive nonsense. I've had enough of it. / / That's it. Starting today, I'm coming out of the closet... http://www.goats.com/archive/040223.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 25 / 2004: chaos pope (2) | Fine. I accept your challenge. You know how these things work? / Of course. / / 1. Create alter-ego Examples: - Doctor Sun - Evil Boy - The Duke / The villainry duel begins with the traditional assumption of secret identity. Henchmen are procured, followed by armament, and then, the duel... http://www.goats.com/archive/040225.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 27 / 2004: chaos pope (3) | Phillip! Dude! Bitchin' raiments! / Oh, but these are not just ordinary raiments, my friend. The are the raiments of the CHAOS POPE! / / Who's the Chaos Pope? / And what are you doing with his hat? / I'm the Chaos Pope. It's me. / / I wasn't aware you were into the whole popery scene. / I'm not, like, a full-blown... http://www.goats.com/archive/040227.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 01 / 2004: chaos pope (4) | With you two lackey popes at my side, nothing stands between me and juicy, delicious victory. / Lackeys? We are no man's lackeys. / / For we are the ARCH-POPES! / With "chubby fingers of death" kung-fu grip. / / You can call yourselves "The Barons of Funk" for all I care, as long as you're functionally subservient... http://www.goats.com/archive/040301.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 03 / 2004: chaos pope (5) | Little girl! Do you beleve that God turned himself into a pork chop, which was given unto me, the CHAOS POPE, so that I may partake of his flesh and forge my pork-fueled wisdom into a fiery sword of church doctrine? / No. / / Then you shall perish from the Earth, and at the end of your days you will spend... http://www.goats.com/archive/040303.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 05 / 2004: chaos pope (6) | You there! With the ice cream! Stop in the name of all that is holy. / Me? / / You BARBARIAN. It is forbidden for sweatshirt-wearing males to eat rum raisin ice cream in public. / B-but this is vanilla fudge. / / Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Arch popes, tie him to a tree with the holy twine. / Give us your... http://www.goats.com/archive/040305.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 08 / 2004: chaos pope (7) | You know, I'm not so sure about this pope stuff anymore. It seems wrong. / Well, I can't get enough popery. I love it! / / Yeah. Me too. / The irrational doctrines, the infallibility, the self-contradicting source material, the willful disregard for logic, and... the MONEY. Oh, the money. I think I've found... http://www.goats.com/archive/040308.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 10 / 2004: chaos pope (8) | What the hell are you talking about? / I'm talking about love, Neil. Our forbidden love. / / I've waited a long time for you, and I won't wait any longer. Marry me, Neil. / Sure, why not. I'm free on Thursday. / / But the church forbids marriage between male extra-terrestrial popes. / Who would have thought my flagrant... http://www.goats.com/archive/040310.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 12 / 2004: chaos pope (9) | This sucks. Now we'll never get to have church-approved sweaty gay pope sex. / How could the church betray us like this? / / Perhaps an influential external agent has gotten a bit too close to the chaos pope. / Musta been the communists. They've got their greasy claws in everything these days. / / Trotsky again,... http://www.goats.com/archive/040312.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2004: chaos pope (10) | ~ Slightly later ~ / So you say the Communists are responsible for everything wrong in my life? / Including the icky feeling you get when you watch gay porn. / / I hate that feeling! How did Communists get that feeling inside of me? / We suspect they used some sort of pump. Have you seen Trotsky around here lately? / / He... http://www.goats.com/archive/040315.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 17 / 2004: chaos pope (11) | I need to get those goddamned pinkos out of my head. / The only way to defeat them is to wed us immediately. / / But what about the icky feeling? / You don't want to be a communist, do you? / They'll take all your pope money and give to freaking orphans, man. / / Fine. By the pork chop ingested by me, I pronounce... http://www.goats.com/archive/040317.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 19 / 2004: chaos pope (12) | Ah, cripes. Diablo's going to be back in fifteen minutes. What villainy can we commit in fifteen minutes? / Ooh! Pancakes! / / What? / Sorry. I have logorrhea. / / What's logorrhea? Could it be used for evil? / Probably. Nothing good ends in "rhea". / Go go gadget cannibalism! http://www.goats.com/archive/040319.html |
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