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| Goats comic strip from August / 03 / 2001: planet of the horses (3) | So you can't accept the sudden and unexplained appearance of horses on a distant world. / Correct. / Correct. / / Correct. / Correct. / But you have no problem accepting that said world is ruled by intelligent talking animals. / / It's funny how selective suspension of disbelief mimics early-onset senility. / I'm not senile. I'm a fanboy. / Irony: nature's candy. http://www.goats.com/archive/010803.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 06 / 2001: return of the demon bride (1) | Wanna be my demon bride? / Dunno. Whats I gotta do? / / Nothing too drastic. A few ritual slayings, human sacrifices, the occasional dinner party. / What car you drive? / / I'm saving up for a tricycle. / My man gots to have him a Corvette. http://www.goats.com/archive/010806.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 08 / 2001: return of the demon bride (2) | How do you do it, Toothie? What makes you so smooth with the ladies? / I eat a lot of paella. / / C'mon, I'm your friend. Tell me. / Actually, I harbor an intense distaste for you. / / I'll just make this check out to 'cash.' / I'll need two forms of picture I.D. http://www.goats.com/archive/010808.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 10 / 2001: return of the demon bride (3) | Making yourself appealing to a woman doesn't take place in a dingy bar or expensive restaurant. It takes place in her head. The first thing you need to do is create an external mental persona. / / And how does one do that? / I have a trick I use: While you're talking to her, imagine you're telepathically placing dirty thoughts in her head. / / Like when khan used the CETI eel to place hypnotic suggestions in Chekov's addled brain. / The second thing you need to do is spend less time with Phillip. http://www.goats.com/archive/010810.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 13 / 2001: return of the demon bride (4) | You're not really putting any thoughts in her head, per se. The 'trick' allows you to relax, to control the situation. You'll begin to exude confidence. / / Confidence. / Women dig confidence like Robert Downey Jr. digs the crack pipe. They can't get enough of it. Confidence is very sexy. / / So I get confidence by... um... giving crack to Robert Downey Jr. / That's not the most efficient method, no. http://www.goats.com/archive/010813.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 15 / 2001: return of the demon bride (5) | Confidence signals to a woman that you've got something in your life that makes you happy... that whatever assets you may have make your risk tolerance so high that you need not worry for anything. Confidence is security. / / If you really want to achieve a degree of confidence that won't trigger anyone's bullshit detectors, the best and only way is to go out and improve your station in life until you're happy. / / But if I achieve happiness, why do I need a woman? / I have underestimated you, Grasshopper. http://www.goats.com/archive/010815.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 17 / 2001: return of the demon bride (6) | And finally, if you do decide to look for a mate, never go after a homely woman. Homely women hate themselves and will assume something is wrong with you if you associate with them. / / Hot women hate themselves too, but their own recognition of their innate hotness causes a weird sort of cognitive dissonance, leaving them confused and stupid and vulnerable to suggestion. / / So, what if I just want lots and lots of sex? / Panties of Potency, my friend. http://www.goats.com/archive/010817.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 19 / 2001: a bad idea | i really shouldn't do this. / c'mon, big boy. i want 2 take n astroglide shower with u. / / my girlfriend will be home any minute. / put ur hand on mi chest / / ok. / ur hand is so warm on my nipples. / / um, that's.... nice. / o how your sexytalk turns me on / / now put ur hand on mi p-nis / your WHAT? / / Now reveal to him that you're a buffalo. / He's gonna hemorrhage when we email the chat logs to his mom. http://www.goats.com/archive/010819.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 20 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (1) | Me? But I'm the last delivery person left on staff. / I'm sorry, Megan, but we're going to have to let you go. / / And you still have twelve project managers. / Soylent needs a strong leadership. / / And who's going to produce deliverables? My ficus? / You know, if you weren't always raising these sorts of issues, you might still have a job here. http://www.goats.com/archive/010820.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 22 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (2) | I should have seen this coming. It's entirely my fault. / You should probably have sent out some resumes when the layoffs began. / / Five days severance. I gave those people the best years of my life, dammit. / You were there for six months. / / Unsupportive boyfriends sleep on the couch. / You gave those people the best years of your life, dammit. http://www.goats.com/archive/010822.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 24 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (3) | Megan... I heard about your situation. I may be able to help you. / / Help me? How? / / Well, let's just say that I know certain people with certain talents who might be able to liberate certain assets from a certain company. / / This sounds like a very bad idea. / Don't worry. He's quite competent. http://www.goats.com/archive/010824.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 27 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (4) | Phillip, you can't just steal my paycheck from my former employer. It's illegal. / Illegality is only a consideration if you have a chance of getting caught. / / Okay, then, it's immoral. / Which is only a consideration if you adhere to a code of ethics. / / Ethics are rather inconvenient... / Cognitive dissonance reduces my productivity. http://www.goats.com/archive/010827.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 29 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (5) | What's he doing now? / Spoofing their security provider's bot to gain access to the maintenance port. / / It looks like he's surfing movie news web sites. / The two activities are similar in appearance. / / Die Die Die / Is he in? / No, but apparently James Spader + Andrew McCarthy have wonderful chemistry in the upcoming sci-fi comedy "Quirky White Guys." http://www.goats.com/archive/010829.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 31 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (6) | Die Die Fornicate 666 / No, just funnel off the half-cents left over from the interest compounding. / / Why does he talk like that? / He distills the essence of human thought into the three eternal concepts of death, sexuality, and evil. / / I never would have guessed. / Or maybe it's because I kick him in the head a lot. http://www.goats.com/archive/010831.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 03 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (7) | There's been a security breach? / Someone's trying to access the MCP, sir. / / Well, just use the laser to scan him into the system. We'll put him on the game grid. / You can't do that in real life, sir. / / You computer types aren't good for anything, are you? / I'll dispatch a hospitality squad, sir. http://www.goats.com/archive/010903.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 05 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (8) | Who the hell rang the doorbell? / Down here. We're corporate mercenaries, come for the one you call Jerrell. / / Jerrell, there's some funny midgets here for you. / Just because we're short doesn't mean we're not deadly professionals. / / Can you do tricks? / That's it. Frank, bite his kneecaps off. / I can't reach. http://www.goats.com/archive/010905.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 07 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (9) | Those midgets weren't funny at all. / This is getting a bit tired. / / You mean, when we have to rescue one of our strange friends from an even more bizarre captor? / We should consider the possibility that Jerrell is better off this way. / / Maybe the midgets have made him their king. Maybe they feed him royal jelly and give him free manicures on Thursdays. / I would kill for free weekly manicures. http://www.goats.com/archive/010907.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 10 / 2001: the new economy (part 1) (10) | I came as soon as I heard. Are you two okay? / We're fine, sweetie. How did you know? / / It's all over Slashnut. They're up in arms over Jerrell and "Hacker Rights". / How would they have found out so quickly? / / Dunno. How did you untie yourselves? / I just inhaled deeply. The great white beast did the bulk of the work. http://www.goats.com/archive/010910.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 17 / 2001: aftermath (1) | How will we New Yorkers get past the World Trade Center tragedy? / The same way we always do in times of trouble - man will reach out to his fellow man. / / So that means you'll go rescue Jerrell? / Is Jerrell a man? I'e always thought of him as a gnome or a hobbit or the like. / / So how can I help? / Well, the rescue workers need to eat something. http://www.goats.com/archive/010917.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 19 / 2001: aftermath (2) | Given recent events, I feel it's important that people forget their little grudges and come together. / Fantastic. / / In that spirit, I forgive you for your earlier hateful comment comparing my body to that of a prepubescent child's. / Great. Now go away. / / Your words say "go away" but your voice says you are truly sorry. / Yes. You are truly sorry. http://www.goats.com/archive/010919.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 21 / 2001: aftermath (3) | I wrote a funny joke about the tragedy. / Don't tell anyone. They'll think you're a deviant. / / But it's really funny. What should I do? / Just change the subject of the joke to something else. Like penguins. / / Flaming penguins are pretty tragic, too. / I bet they move around real fast. http://www.goats.com/archive/010921.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 24 / 2001: aftermath (4) | C'mon, Toothie. We need it bad. / Sorry ladies. Not tonight. / / But we need consoling, Toothie. / Don't take it personal, Jolene. It's out of respect for the victims. / / I have american flag bedsheets. / When you appeal to my patriotic side like that... Well... Okay. I'll do it for my country. http://www.goats.com/archive/010924.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 26 / 2001: aftermath (5) | A policy of mandatory cat ownership without regard to one's age and penchant for said cats is just plain Hitleresque. / / Yeeagh!! / BBBRAAAPP / / What the hell did you do that for, Diablo?!!! / You were getting complacent. http://www.goats.com/archive/010926.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 28 / 2001: aftermath (6) | It's over. You can stop mourning. / Really? / / Rob Lowe was caught with a coked-up llama in a strip club bathroom. / / He said, "I did it for America." / WooHoo!! / Bring on the celebrity scandals!! http://www.goats.com/archive/010928.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 30 / 2001: pawn takes rook | Pawn takes rook. / What do you mean, 'take'? Your pawn has no arms. / / It's an intellectual game. You have to use your imagination. / Okay. Knight takes bishop using transporter technology. / / Pawn, queen and king coordinate a sneak attack on your potato reserves, rendering the opponent weak and chipless. / / L. Ron Hubbard invokes the name of Xenu and turns your rook's mind to marshmallow fluff. / / Tina Yothers eats your remaining pieces in a devastating sneak attack!! / You sank my battleship! / / Yahtzee! / I feel smarter already. http://www.goats.com/archive/010930.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 01 / 2001: the new economy (part 2) (1) | You're going after Jerrell? / It's all my fault. And I wanted a new grappling hook anyway. / / No need. He's at the door with a couple of evil-looking individuals. / What?? / / They say they've changed their minds and have come to apologise. / But I already bought the goddamned grappling hook. http://www.goats.com/archive/011001.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 03 / 2001: the new economy (part 2) (2) | Hi there. / Hi. We're the ones behind Jerrell's kidnapping. We're terribly sorry about the whole mess. / / / Demons, eh? / Yes. Well, institutional investors really, but it all boils down to the same thing. / / Care for some coffee? / If it's decaf. I haven't been sleeping well lately. http://www.goats.com/archive/011003.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 05 / 2001: the new economy (part 2) (3) | It's really quite a story, actually. Jerrell was going to be the centerpiece of a complex plot to replace the president with a remote-controlled automaton who would obey our every command.
/ / / Then that whole terrorist thing went down, and, well, it wouldn't really have been appropriate at the time. In poor taste, if you ask me. / / The same thing happened to my uncle once. / Fred Johannsen is your uncle? http://www.goats.com/archive/011005.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 08 / 2001: the new economy (part 2) (4) | Thanks again for bringing jerrel back and for the investment tips. / My pleasure. And thank you for the coffee / / There's no problem that can't be solved with beverages. / Our Current Quagmire will likely require more. / / With upstanding demons like you on our side, we can't lose. / Well, they don't call us "The Great Satan" for nothing. http://www.goats.com/archive/011008.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 10 / 2001: the new economy (part 2) (5) | We interrupt your comic strip for this important message. GNN Breaking News / / Local man prays to Jesus to "Deliver nachos unto me in this time of tragedy"... Jesus refuses to comply / 4 year old Suzie Jones went to the bathroom all by herself today in the small Midwest town of Jackson Nebraska. / / Experts believe that the incident was in no way related to the terrorist attacks. / GNN America VS. The bad guys / / FBI Agents have been dispatched to the location as a precaution and have secured both Suzie and the toilet. http://www.goats.com/archive/011010.html |
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