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| Goats comic strip from February / 14 / 2000: neil and bob's big adventure (29) | Did you hear? Sex Dwarf and his giant Robot of Sexual Destruction have mysteriously disappeared! The city is safe! / Yeah. Great. / / Wait... what happened to your koala? / The traitorous bastard ran off. I tried to restrain him, but... / / Koalas are surprisingly strong. http://www.goats.com/archive/000214.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 15 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (1) | So, I have this friend... / Really? Where'd you get that? / You paying him? / / No... I have a friend... / Another one? / Man, she's loaded. / / Forget it. / What a bastard. She's forsaken her new friends. / How will they eat? http://www.goats.com/archive/000215.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 16 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (2) | In the town where I was born, lived a man who wouldn't eat... / And he told us of his life, in the land of Soylent Green... / / So we shopped in many stores, 'till we found some people-meat... / And we ate all that we could, from a bowl of Soylent Green! / / WE ALL LIVE IN A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN, A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN, A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN... / WE ALL LIVE IN A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN, A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN, A BOWL OF SOYLENT GREEN... / Soylent Green is made from Beatles! http://www.goats.com/archive/000216.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 17 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (3) | Cracker Jack prizes? What'd you get this time? / Dunno- maybe it's "Magic Cellophane". The transparent, flexible glass! / / My favorite was "Shiny Paper"- the paper that's shiny! / Look. It's a "Paper Puzzle". You rip up the paper and put it back together again. / / Be careful not to hurt yourself. / Quiet. I'm concentrating. http://www.goats.com/archive/000217.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 18 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (4) | What the hell happened to Cracker Jack prizes, anyway? They used to be so cool when I was a kid. / It's a liability issue. / / They don't make the plastic toys anymore 'cause every once in a while, some Darwin Awards candidate chokes on one. So they make them so lame that no one could possibly want to play with 'em. / / That's a shame. / Dammit, these two won't line up. Line up, puzzle pieces! http://www.goats.com/archive/000218.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 21 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (5) | People Magazine says that we fall right inbetween the age ranges for Generation X and Generation Y. / That sucks. / / They also have an informative and touching interview with Tom Hanks. / I want to be categorized by the media too, dammit. / / "Will we be lucky enough to see a 'Bachelor Party 2', Mr Hanks?" asks People. / What about my need to be generalized and easily dismissed? http://www.goats.com/archive/000221.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 22 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (6) | Maybe she gets off on tazers? / Why would you even think something like that? / / Dunno. She's just standing there with her arms crossed, and I thought, "Maybe she enjoys a good taze." / There is something provocative about a woman with her arms crossed. / / It's almost like she's feeling her own breasts. That's not fair. / Hey! If you're not going to bring enough for everyone, don't bring any at all! http://www.goats.com/archive/000222.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 23 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (7) | Well, if you're not going to pay attention to me, then I think I'll just have to find someone who will. / Fine. / / Why is it that women are always insisting on talking so much? / Doesn't look like she's talking much with that frat boy. Looks like she's kissing him. / / I can't believe my girlfriend gave sugar to another man. / You'll be needing a sugar substitute, then. http://www.goats.com/archive/000223.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 24 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (8) | Fine. Lauren, I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention to you. Now can I go? / Say it. / / C'mon. I've already apologized. / That boy over there is awfully cute. Maybe he'll say it. / / "Lauren is infinitely, infinitely fabulous." / Good. Now run along and go play with your friends. http://www.goats.com/archive/000224.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 25 / 2000: 9 nights in a barroom (9) | 4 A.M. and bar is closed! All barnyard animals go home. / Well, where to? / / I don't know about you, but I have three hours of Fox reality-based T.V. specials on tape that need watching. / There's an after-hours at Mitzi's. / / First up, "When Cute Puppies Attack." Followed by "Who Wants to Marry a Wife-beater." / We all have our priorities. http://www.goats.com/archive/000225.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 28 / 2000: meet my friend, space-time (art by phillip) (1) | Jon, meet my friend, Space Time. / Hi! / You mean, as in the Space Time Continuum? / / Yeah, he's going to crash with us for a week. / Hi! / Since when are you friends with a physical phenomena? / / Oh, we've been friends forever! Ha ha ha! / Hi! / This is going to be a long week. http://www.goats.com/archive/000228.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 29 / 2000: meet my friend, space-time (art by phillip) (2) | Why is everything so two-dimensional? / That's just a side effect of hanging out with space time. / / Well, it's difficult for me to get any work done like this. / That's OK, we're going down to the pub... so Space Time can get bent! Ha ha ha! / / Leave now. / Get it? So Space Time can get bent? / Hi! http://www.goats.com/archive/000229.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 01 / 2000: meet my friend, space-time (art by phillip) (3) | We may therefore identify two possibilities regarding the convection of beer. It may be assumed an universal constant independent of all frames of reference, or, conversely, it may be assumed to propagate at a constant speed in / / any direction only within the observer's frame of reference. In an Euclidean, Space Time Continuum, the former would result in compund velocities for a frame of reference moving relative to the beer. / / So the beer is only partially drunk? / Yes, but so are you! Ha ha ha! http://www.goats.com/archive/000301.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 02 / 2000: meet my friend, space-time (art by phillip) (4) | So, I was dating the Gravitational Constant for a few eons / What happened? / / She wanted a commitment, but I said I just wasn't ready. / Yeah... women want that kind of thing / / And then she cheated on me with the Theory of Special Relativity. She said he 'understood' her... / That bitch! http://www.goats.com/archive/000302.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 03 / 2000: meet my friend, space-time (art by phillip) (5) | Thanks for having me, guys. / Anytime, Space Time. It was great having you. / Bye. / / Bye, guys. / Bye. / Man, what a great guy. I'm gonna miss him. / / Wait! Man, the bastard stole my wallet! / Yeah... he does that. http://www.goats.com/archive/000303.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 06 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (1) | Isn't that just a bit unsanitary? / I'm bulking up. / / More? Are you planning on hibernating for the rest of the year? / World's Strongest Man Competition. / / No you're not. / Excuse me, but training sessions are closed to the press. / More please. http://www.goats.com/archive/000306.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 07 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (2) | How's your training coming along? / My pumping arm hurts. / / Suck it up. We have a meeting with Nike at noon for a potential sponsorship contract. / Ooh. Can you get me a pair of those shoes with the air in them? / / Shut up and keep drinking. / Yeah. The keg throw is much easier when it's empty. http://www.goats.com/archive/000307.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 08 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (3) | He wants to be the World's Strongest Man, so I'm training him. / But why, Diablo? There must be some nefarious scheme you have in mind. / / There's no reason, jon. You're being paranoid. Sometimes I just do stuff for fun. / It's something to do with Satan, right? For Satan? / / Yes, Jon, you've figured me out. We're athletes of Satan. / I knew it. http://www.goats.com/archive/000308.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 09 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (4) | The GNC delivery is here! / Come to papa! / Steroids? You're feeding him steroids? / / They're just vitamins, Jon. / Omega 3300 Nutri-plex Optibolic Mix? Sounds like steroids to me. / / These aren't the 'roids you're looking for. / Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. / Tastes like chocolate. http://www.goats.com/archive/000309.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 10 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (5) | I know you guys have some trepidation about Phillip's newfound interest ing the World's Strongest Man Competition. As his trainer, I feel that it's my responsibility to share with you a story from my youth... a tale of dreams and despair, of troubles and triumph. / / Is this another one of those stories that seems to last for weeks, is completely fabricated, and ends up having no bearing on the situation at hand? A rambling mass of incoherence? / / Maybe. And if it is, you'll sit there and listen anyway. It's free. / I reserve the right to bitch and moan. / Big surprise. http://www.goats.com/archive/000310.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 13 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (6) | As you both know, I was once heavily involved in the European bocce circuit due to the influence of my one-eyed, robotic-limbed Frenchman friend, Shazam Twix. After losing his job in the vineyards of epernay due to what the authorities termed "excessive drug use", sport was his only solace. / / He did rather well for himself on the circuit, as many of the other players were of similar character, and helped to mask his eccentricities. Despite his tendency to become sidetracked in debates with invisible giraffes, he was an exemplary player, and rarely licked anyone without prior permission. / / Twix was ranked third on the continent until one fateful evening, when after a particularly frenetic binge hopped up on mainlined cocoa and fetus extract, he accidentally ate a referee. Such things were frowned upon in the world of bocce. http://www.goats.com/archive/000313.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 14 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (7) | After a brief but violent discussion with the Bocce Tribunal, Twix was banished from the sport for referee consumption ahnd excessive flatulence. Having first lost his job (and access to the luscious and morally-challenged champagne cellar tour guides), and now with his precious bocce taken away, he was crushed. / / The next three months were an endless torment for both Twix and myself, as I had to repeatedly talk him down from his experimentations with the hallucinogenic effects of Ham 'n' Cheese Hot Pocket overdosing. He babbled endlessly about his "next big thing." / / After toying with flawed (the Monkey Fund: a mutual fund run by monkeys, investing only in monkey-friendly stocks) and hopeless (the Hootie Channel: all Hootie, all the time) business ideas, Shazam Twix decided to re-enter the world of sport. But this time, he would rise through the ranks of head-to-head roller-biathlon. http://www.goats.com/archive/000314.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (8) | It was decided that day that we would move to Brussels, the "New Jersey of Europe" and the unofficial home of head-to-head roller-biathlon culture. We packed Twix's 1981 Mercury Zephyr with the meager contents of our squatter's flat (a toilet brush, a variety of sporting goods, and 15 kilos of Nutella) and headed for Belgium. / / Life on the road was grand... there were sheep... and some additional sheep... man, there were a lot of sheep. They were everywhere. Pretty much a sheep anywhere you looked. They ate grass and walked around a bit. / / I guess it's hard to keep the action flowing when you're making stuff up on the spot. / I am not. Sheep are integral to the tone of the story. / Were the sheep beautiful? http://www.goats.com/archive/000315.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 16 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (9) | After several days of adventure on the road (and a quick stop at "Mini-Europe" for photos), we arrived at our new flat in Brussels, overlooking the Grand-Place. Getting into the spirit of the city, Twix shared his "Manneken Pis" impression with the tourists below our balcony. / / After unloading the Zephyr, we struck out on the cobblestone streets of the city, looking for frites and head-to-head roller-biathlon sparring partners. We found frites; it was somewhat harder to find people willing to take a bullet in the name of sport. / / As we walked, the bright pink of a photocopied flyer taped to a lamppost caught my eye. I plucked it from the post. It was an advertisement for the upcoming roller-biathlon tournament, to be held right there in Brussels, two weeks from the day. I turned to show Twix, but he was nowhere to be seen. http://www.goats.com/archive/000316.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 17 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (10) | Suddenly, I found myself as alone as a fat girl on a Friday night*. Shazam Twix was gone, with only a few oddly-shaped leaves blowing in circles where he had stood moments before. It was getting dark, and I felt a pressing need to get off the streets. / *No, I'm not calling you fat. Get over yourself. / / I ducked into a nearby bar, aptly named "Planet Cocktail Bar." It was packed with greasy Belgians sipping fruit-laden drinks, swaying to trance-inducing house music. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than Planet Cocktail Bar. / /
/ / I ordered my customary Long Island Iced Tea, and sat myself down in a booth with three blonde Belgian beauties. I spoke to them the only French phrase that Twix had taught me: "I, too, enjoy the soccer." But those five words were more than enough... http://www.goats.com/archive/000317.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 20 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (11) | Having read as much Brussels-specific tourist literature as possible, I was keenly aware of the native reverence for the art of comics. I was also keenly aware that Belgians were as easy as mac 'n' cheese. I plied the buxom blondes with tales of my career as a comic stripper back in the States. / / My three dates were so overwhelmed by my stunning (albeit fabricated) revelation that they immediately invited me back to their sorority house for a sweaty, sticky three-way. Just then, I noticed another of those oddly-shaped leaves on the floor of the bar. / / My mind returned to Shazam Twix and his disappearance. I recalled the words he had spoken to me just that morning: "Toast is just over-cooked bread." And I knew then that he was right. Determined to find Twix, I sent the girls on their way with only my promise to call them. http://www.goats.com/archive/000320.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 21 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (12) | Something about the oddly-shaped leaves triggered a memory. On a hunch, I followed the trail of leaves towards the back of Planet Cocktail Bar, through a brightly-colored beaded curtain. The beads were pretty. Pretty, pretty beads. / / Were they pretty in the way that post-nose job Jennifer Grey is pretty? / More in a fully-loaded pizza sort of way. / Hello? Story? / / I think she was prettier before the nose job. / Jon, I think you could stand to relax a bit. / Diablo, I think you've been smoking too many of those oddly-shaped leaves. http://www.goats.com/archive/000321.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 22 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (13) | I pulled aside the beaded curtain. There, in the back room of Planet Cocktail Bar, was none other than my nemesis, the evil Gregor Mendel, father of modern genetics and ex-wrestling champion! / / How did he survive the explosion with which we had detroyed his laboratory? What was he doing here in Brussels? Why did his skin now have an eerie green tinge to it? Had I remembered to turn off the oven that morning? And what had he done with Shazam Twix? / / "Ah, Diablo, my friend," the evil one intoned, his hands rubbing together like two horny, incestuous tectonic plates. "Finally, a chance for us to have that dim-sum we talked about so long ago. Come, and have some of my sticky balls." http://www.goats.com/archive/000322.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 23 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (14) | Mendel settled back into his seat and began to talk. "Our last, shall we say, 'explosive' encounter left me with severe burns over 90% of my body. I stitched myself together over five months of painful genetically-engineered plant-skin transplants." / / "Five months of torturous pain is a long time, Diablo. Five months of nothing but pondering revenge against you and your friend Twix. That, and reading 'Newsweek'. And sampling different varieties of Ben 'n' Jerry's wonderful ice cream flavors." / / "And, of course, the occasional game of Yahtzee, but, as we all know, my sentient pea-plant henchmen aren't very good game players, so there was little challenge there. They often ate the dice. But mostly, I pondered revenge. Revenge and monkeys. Monkeys are funny." http://www.goats.com/archive/000323.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 24 / 2000: the world's strongest man (and the twix saga, pt. 2) (15) | Mendel chewed thoughtfully on his pork buns. "Once I had recovered from the skin transplants, I found that I no longer had the upper-body strength to maintain my wrestling career. Only the solace of thrice-daily pints of 'Phish Food' kept me from slipping into permanent depression." / / "I needed a new way to generate income to fund my genetic engineering, world-domination and revenge-related activites. I did a brief stint at the home 'n' garden department of 'Home Despot', but $6.20 an hour doesn't go as far now as it did back in the 1800s." / / "Clearly, I needed a new sport to dominate- a sport that catered to my violent impulses and love for phallic symbolism. A sport dripping in cash and blood. I decided then that I would counquer the world of head-to-head roller-biathlon." http://www.goats.com/archive/000324.html |
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