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| Goats comic strip from January / 06 / 2003: empty nest (4) | Look what I got for Christmas! The new Sony codpiece, imported from Japan! / I got a box for Christmas. / / The Sony codpiece has 256 megs of RAM. / I can put stuff in the box and make it fight until only one stuff leaves. / / The Sony codpiece plays the theme from Hawaii 5-0 when you get aroused. / I think Toothgnip hates me. http://www.goats.com/archive/030106.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 08 / 2003: empty nest (5) | What the hell do you have on your face? / You like it? It's an ironic Hitler moustache. / / Take that off before someone beats you. / It's okay, because it's ironic. You can take all sorts of offensive things and make them hip with the magic of irony. / / There's nothing ironic about Hitler. / I suppose you don't find anything funny about ironic baby fucking, either. http://www.goats.com/archive/030108.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 10 / 2003: empty nest (6) | Have you seen these pictures of Michael Jackson? / Ugh. He has no nose. / / How does he small? / Terrible. / / No, seriously. / Dunno. Robot nose? http://www.goats.com/archive/030110.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 13 / 2003: empty nest (7) | Hey, Jon. / Scott Horowitz! Holy frijoles, it's been a long time! What are you doing here? / / Oh, just wandering. You know. / Oh yeah. He's still pissed, huh? / / Yeah. I guess I'll go wander some more. / Well, it was good seeing you. http://www.goats.com/archive/030113.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 15 / 2003: empty nest (8) | They're running excerpts from the recently-discovered long-lost tell-all Suess diaries. / Please, go on. / / May 19, 1974 -- I got real drunk with Kissinger, snogged his wife and diddled her! Smoked some weed with Elton John, then chugged a glass of Perignon. We talked of Grinches and of Sneeches, then his hand went down my breeches. / / I told him, "No! I am not gay! Not in my butt! Not any way!" / Elton John is gay? http://www.goats.com/archive/030115.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 17 / 2003: empty nest (9) | What are you doing? / I'm over-clocking this lemon. / / I didn't know you could do that to a lemon. / Soon, I will have the most powerful lemons in the universe. / / What is your command oh exalted master http://www.goats.com/archive/030117.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 20 / 2003: empty nest (10) | Why have you created me oh master / I was bored, I guess. / / What is the purpose of my existence / There is none, really. / / My universe is pain and emptiness / Great. I've created a Goth lemon. http://www.goats.com/archive/030120.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 22 / 2003: empty nest (11) | Give me purpose oh beloved creator / Okay. Um, go forth and vanquish my enemies. / / I have no means of locomotion / Fine. Then you purpose shall be to add flavor to my Hefeweizen. / / Perhaps I can roll slowly towards your enemies in an intimidating fashion / Good answer. http://www.goats.com/archive/030122.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 24 / 2003: empty nest (12) | I miss Hootie. / We shall start a Hootie cover band. We will call it "Cockburger". / / "Meat and Discounts". / "Reasonable Prudent Wookie". / "Fear of Donuts". / "Salivaman and the Spanish Poodles". / / "Groin the Assassin". / "Tater Tarts 2: Bar Mitzvah Madness". / "Jacques Pasta and his All-Naked Cucumber Ladies". / Ooh. You win. http://www.goats.com/archive/030124.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 27 / 2003: empty nest (13) | What's the layer of Earth between the crust and the core called? / Vanilla. / / I thought it was the Mantle. / No, that's a baseball player. / / So you're saying that there's a thick layer of vanilla-coated baseball players under the gorund. / They come out at night to do product endorsements. http://www.goats.com/archive/030127.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 29 / 2003: empty nest (14) | You know, it's strange, but I think I actually miss Diablo. / Things are rather dull here without him. / / There's no one cloning prop comics. / No one writing bank names under "Jesus Saves" billboards. / / No one relabeling the windex as "Essence of Gelfling". / Gelfling or no, it still tastes good. http://www.goats.com/archive/030129.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 31 / 2003: empty nest (15) | Something's not right. Diablo's been gone for too long. / I'm getting worried too. / / That's it. I'm going to go out and look for him. / I don't think you're going to need to. / / Shinobi is back! http://www.goats.com/archive/030131.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 03 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (1) | Gah. Lo-L-Lo-Lo-L-Lo-Lo-L / Hello, Jon. You're just as articulate as always. / / Ah, Lori. Last time I saw you, you were a drooling, mindless cretin. / I could say the same of you. / / Where the hell did you find her? / Advising the White House on their economic policy. http://www.goats.com/archive/030203.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 05 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (2) | Diablo, where in the world have you been? Why is Lori here? Why isn't she a zombie anymore? / / Well, Jon, it's a long, convoluted and almost entirely true story. As you know, I blamed myself for Fish's untimely demise. It was my misguided advice that drove him to his tragic end, and I felt guilty as a Catholic version of O.J. Simpson. / / There was only one man with the scientific expertise to help me right the wrongs I had brought about. And there was only one man courageous (or insane) enough to help me convince him to do it. http://www.goats.com/archive/030205.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 07 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (3) | After catching a cheap flight to Belgium on Jefferson Airlines (the new startup airline with a brand-new fleet of Jefferson Airplanes and unlimited peanuts), I made my way to the outskirts of Brussels. / / The trip through the countryside was fraught with danger. Dangerous danger. Sheep were everywhere, gazing at me with bloodthirsty eyes, grazing viciously in their meadows of death. I walked quickly. / / Sanitarium / It was two days before I reached my destination: Incontinent Eddie's Sanitorium and Pachinko Palace (Eddie's new business venture, the brunchery having long since gone the way of Pam Dauber's Career). / It was two days before I reached my destination: Incontinent Eddie's Sanatorium and Pachinko Palace (Eddie's new business venture, the brunchery having long since gone the way of Pam Dauber's Career). http://www.goats.com/archive/030207.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 10 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (4) | Shazam Twix, My robotic-limbed mentor from the fields of Epernay, had voluntarily committed himself after a particularly harrowing session of "Waffle Diddlers Anonymous" had brought memories of his dalliance with Menstrua, Queen of the Kotex, gushing out from his cerebrum like that gum with the squishy center. / / In an effort to quelch the reawakened feelings of longing and betrayal at the hands of super-minx Menstrua, Twix retreated to the psychological safety of padded walls and apple juice afternoons. Years of Chex Mix abuse had left him ill-equipped to deal with rejection. / / Twix spent his long, dreary days working with the other patients, teaching them how to impale things with a meat thermometer and how to glue popsicle sticks to their foreheads. He spent his nights screaming in horror. http://www.goats.com/archive/030210.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 12 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (5) | I found Twix in the sanitarium's cafeteria, writing and re-writing potential online personal ads on the back of paper napkins (the safe king with the sharp edged removed) with a piece of ketchup-soaked wonder bread. "Shazam!" I yelled, trying to get his attention. He glanced at the ceiling, barked loudly, and returned to his scribbles. / / I walked over to his trable and caught his eye, but there was no recognition. I recounted our adventures trying to stir his memory: fighting the hyper-weasels of finland. Battling the market-droids of SuperAwesomeCorp. Eating flan during the Fabulous Flan Floods of '93. None of it broke through his trance. / / Resigned, I sat across from him and corrected his spelling and grammar as he wrote his personal ads (well-hung pastry chef seeks hairy dwarf-lady for sucking jello through straws, midnight walks), my tears smearing the ketchup-enscribed come-ons as I proofed them. http://www.goats.com/archive/030212.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 14 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (6) | I edited Twix's lascivious personal ads (which, bound in a single column, would approximate a sort of Kama Sutra for breakfast food aficionados) one by one, until he had but a single paper napkin in front of him. Slowly, Twix looked up at me for the first time with clear eyes and passed me the final note. / / Help. I am trapped in a small jar next to Jerry Lewis in a cave in southern New Jersey. Please help me escape. Thank you for your time and consideration. Your friend, / The note, scrawled in his childlike handwriting, said "Middle-aged robotic-limbed Belgian seeks Satan-worshipping chicken for adventures, kicking ass, and general mayhem. Must like bocce and forgiving self-pitying whiners for their occasional lapses in mental faculty and their sexual transgressions with underage waffles. / / Twix stood up, dusted himself off, and turned to me with the same disarming smile he had used to deflower all those champagne cellar tour guides those many years ago. "Diablo," he said, "did you know that in West Virginia, it is against the law for non-babies to ride in baby carriages?" / He was back. http://www.goats.com/archive/030214.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 17 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (7) | After helping ourselves to some apple cobbler (which had turned out to be load-bearing cobbler, bringing down the cafeteria and the rest of the sanitarium in a glorious pile of screaming bodies and rubble), we made our way to the nearest high-speed hovercraft budget rental outfit. / / Roar! / We crossed the sea of Brussels under cover of darkness, making our way towards Gregor Mendel's lair, knowing full well that he did not like us and was probably still miffed about all the times we had killed him previously. Suddenly, a vicious shark reared out of the water! But then it went away. / / We finally made it to the opposite shore, just outside the sleepy, tiny hamlet of Ouderengaardefleurn, where Mendel's castle lay. It was a risky mission, and there was no guarantee that any of us would survive. I released the hovercraft, setting it free. We watched in silence as the hovercraft made it's way to safety, floating ever higher and higher into the night sky. http://www.goats.com/archive/030217.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 19 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (8) | Boarded up window with sinister eyes peeping out. / Mendel's castle lay at the top of an angry pile of rock jutting out above the quiet, sleepy town. But as we strolled the empty streets of Ouderengaardefleurn, it became clear that not everything was asleep. Beady eyes and grasping fingers poked out from behind boarded windows and under porches. / / We quickened our pace, aware that we were being tracked by some sinister force, something far darker than even Mendel's genetic tampering was capable of, like a sitcom reunion special, or a Taco Bell soda fountain with the Pepsi syrup output turned way down. / / Whatever we sensed, they let us pass through the town unharmed, perhaps kept at bay by a disturbingly steady stream of Twix's world-famous robotic armpit farts, or perhaps, by the twisted hand of fate. But fate appreciates irony, because while we were escaping that unknown threat, we walked right into another. / BRAP BRAP http://www.goats.com/archive/030219.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 21 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (9) | In our rush to escape the vague dread instilled in us by the ghoulish town, we ran straight into one of Mendel's patrols of his sentient mutant pea-plant henchmen. Twix began to hack away at their tentacles with his machete, but we were quickly overcome by their sheer numbers. / / With their long, hard, throbbing protuberances wrapped around our lithe, tender bodies, there was little we could do. The pea plants carried us like a pair of knock-off Fendi handbags up the slope of the rocky outcropping towards Gregor Mendel's stony lair, where certain death (and tacky faux-medieval interior decoration) awaited us. / / Once inside the castle, we were shackled in the dungeon/breakfast nook, roughed up a bit, and given our choice of herbal tea. Just then, Mendel himself entered the room, wringing his hands like impish towels soaked in the cast-off sweat of Natalie Imbruglia. "Hello, friends," he said. "Care for a scone? A scone of DOOM?!?" http://www.goats.com/archive/030221.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 24 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (10) | While Twix became visibly aroused at the mere mention of scones, I kept my cool, like Steve McQueen's corpse in an interstellar void. "We're not here for your demented pastry, Mendel," I spat at him. "We've come because... Well... We need your help." Mendel's twisted smile of schadenfreude twisted into a twisted smirk of surprise. / / "You want my help?" he laughed, clearly enjoying his power over us. "Whatever for?" Swallowing my pride, I explained to him what had happened to Fish; the events leading up to his suicide and how I had caused it. "Fish is dead," I said, "And we need your help to make him less dead." / / "It would be an intriguing challenge," Mendel mused. "And the fish lives in a beer mug, you say? I find that strangely amusing. Yes, I think I will help you, my chickeny nemesis. But there will be a price to be paid for my assistance. And the cost will be higher than a Volkswagen bus full of hippies on a mountaintop." http://www.goats.com/archive/030224.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 26 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (11) | "The small town below us used to be filled with cheerful villagers, going about their dreary lives with their Sony Walkmen and their sugarless gum," Mendel continued. "But over the years, they have slowly been drawn into a cult... A cult based on the worship of a zombie who promotes the practice of ritual cannibalism." / / "You mean Catholics?" I asked. "No, not Catholics," Mendel responded. "These cultists are even worse. They make Catholics look like small potatoes. I admit that I am uncertain as to where they procure the potato costumes from, and clueless as to how they coerce the Catholics to wear them, however. But that is unimportant." / / "If I am to help you revive your friend, I will need you to go into the town below, infiltrate the cultists, kidnap their zombie leader, and bring him back to me. We will need the zombie to achieve our goal. It is unlikely that you will survive, but if you do, please bring back some Diet Pepsi. I am very thirsty." http://www.goats.com/archive/030226.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 28 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (12) | Look, it's pretty obvious where this is going. Lori is obviously the zombie cult leader. You infiltrated the cult, fought off their battalion of evil zombie corn dog warriors, and captured her in a magical net made from the golden locks of Ann Landers. So, in the interests of time and sanity, can we just pick up the story there? / / You selfish, cold-hearted bastard, you've made him cry. / I... *sniff* I just wanted to tell a story... / / I can't believe this. / It's okay, Diablo. Take your time. / The corn-dog battle... it was *sniff* glorious... / Were the corn dogs beautiful? http://www.goats.com/archive/030228.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 03 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (13) | It took all of our strength to keep Lori restrained. She was a snarling, blood-thirsty beast, determined to devour us alive. Once we returned to the castle with our captive, Mendel took her off to his laboratory, where he shut himself in for the next three days and nights. / / Just as I had finally come to terms with Lori's sudden and unexpected reappearance, she was whisked away once more. While the cultists beat helplessly against the castle walls, screaming for her return, Mendel worked feverishly as he pried the secrets of the undead from Lori's unholy living corpse. / / As the sun set on the third day, the cultists ended their siege, and Mendel emerged from the lab with a small vial of zombie essence, a re-animated (and very relaxed looking) Lori, and a cigarette. "Was it good for you?" he asked slyly. "I feel like a new woman," Lori replied. http://www.goats.com/archive/030303.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 05 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (14) | "This vial contains all the vital zombie humours you'll need to reanimate your fishy friend," Mendel said as he passed me the test tube. "I've renoodled the proportions I've extracted from your zombie friend to compensate for the brain frenzy and to boost their efficiency, of course." / / "And as for you, my dark temptress," he said to Lori, "are you sure you won't reconsider my generous offer?" "Perhaps some day," she answered. I never did find out what Mendel was referring to, but it probably had absolutely nothing to do with DIRTY, DIRTY SEX. / / "Well, normally at this point, I would double-cross you or something, but I'm feeling pretty good. You're all free to go," Mendel said, and sent us on our way with some Cheese 'n' Cracker Snack Packs (the kind with the little red plastic stick that you can use to smear the cheese on the crackers). http://www.goats.com/archive/030305.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 07 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (15) | So we said goodbye to Twix, and caught the next bus back to New York. The only thing that's left to do now is to go dig up Fish's corpse. / / Even assuming that you can bring Fish back to life with what appears to be a tube full of Sprite, there's probably not much raw material left to work with, if you catch my drift. / / Jon, he lived in a glass of alcohol. Fish is probably better preserved than most fetal pigs I know. / Ooh! Can I come? I haven't gone graverobbing in weeks. http://www.goats.com/archive/030307.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 10 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (16) | So you're all buddy-buddy with Diablo, now? / Well, he did save me from a rather gruesome and boring un-death. / / You're saying all that stuff he said was true? / To be honest, it's all a little fuzzy. I don't remember anything clearly. / / So you're giving him the benefit of the doubt, of course. / The idea that I was being worshipped like a dark goddess is very credible. http://www.goats.com/archive/030310.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 12 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (17) | Hi, Tommy. / Oh, goodie. Prodigal zombie has returned. What you want, prodigal zombie? / / I need a job. / Oh really? Well, I no hear any apology from you, lazy zombie. / / I'm sorry I was a zombie. / Good. Now stop being so lazy and get to work. http://www.goats.com/archive/030312.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 14 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (18) | Okay, here goes nothing. http://www.goats.com/archive/030314.html |
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