You're browsing the archives of Goats.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|Goats comic strip from January / 12 / 2004: hellspawn (8)||My Killer Robot Skull-Fucked Your Honor Student. / Oliver, open this door right now. / Go away, I'm masturbating. / / My Killer Robot Skull-Fucked Your Honor Student. / i know you're upset, but we need to discuss this. / I swear if you don't go away I'll knife you in the face. / / amazon / We say 'stab' in this house Oliver. 'Knife' is not a verb / It is out there on the streets, yo.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 14 / 2004: hellspawn (9)||I just can't seem to connect with Oliver. We have nothing in common / Strong relationships are built from the timber of shared experience. Is there some activity the two of you can do together? / / He likes to make unstoppable homicidal robots. / In many ways, his act of creation mirrors your own in creating Oliver. Perhaps you have more in common than you think. / / So you're saying that the robot is... my grandson. / Sure. Why not.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 16 / 2004: hellspawn (10)||So. Makin' a robot, I see. / This kit sucks. I can't get the quantum annihilators aligned properly. / / Did it come with a willie? / Ugh. Dad, no it did not come with a willie. / / Because in my day, we didn't have kits. We made them ourselves, out of empty coffee cans and VIC-20 motherboards. And each and every one of those robots sported a twelve-inch steel johnson. / Talking to you is an intensely damaging experience.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 19 / 2004: hellspawn (11)||Oliver, when a chicken sees his offspring creating a murderous automaton, it brings to mind his own most cherished and repressed childhood memories. As such, I feel as though I should share with you a tale from my own childhood that might help us understand one another. / Fine. Give me some chocolate. / / I just so happen to have brought some Chilean chocolate with me in an effort to placate you. / This... This is delicious! I've never heard of this Chilean chocolate before. / / It is made from the hearts of toddlers. / Toddler hearts are the most tender and chocolaty of all hearts.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 21 / 2004: hellspawn (12)||In 1986, Roy Cohn's demonic soul left his body and raged its way towards Hell, where it would stand beside Satan himself as a lieutenant and sperm receptacle. / / On its way, however, it would stop briefly at Jerry's Old-Fashioned Egg Farm on the outskirts of Plainsboro, New Jersey. / / There, Cohn's ectoplasmic residue forced itself upon a tender virgin hen, impregnating it with his malignant seed.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 23 / 2004: hellspawn (13)||Some days later, a disheveled gentleman purchased a seemingly ordinary carton of eggs from his local convenience store. / / This gentleman, who raised me as a son, was the son of Nazi war criminal Loovis Von Herstreicher and a retired high school choir teacher. / / Loovis Junior adopted the twelve of us into his family of freakish torment.
On my third birthday I ripped his entrails out through his nostrils while he begged for his life.
|Goats comic strip from January / 26 / 2004: hellspawn (14)||Loovis Junior raised us with both hands -- a firm fist and a cruel open palm. We were soldiers, after all. Soldiers of the Fuhrer. / / Loovis Junior's father had penned such rousing German standards as "Das Fuhrer ist so Wundervolle" and "I liebe, Esel zu saugen". His own attempt at writing pro-Nazi ditties resulted in "99 Luftballoons", which was not as well received as he had hoped. / / But that didn't stop Loovis Junior from dreaming of a Fourth Reich: one fueled not by hatred and intolerance, but 80's guitar rock.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 28 / 2004: hellspawn (15)||My brother Ernesto ran a cloning lab in the basement, working feverishly to resurrect the Furhrer's legacy. / My brother Ernesto ran a cloning lab in the basement, working feverishly to resurrect the Fuhrer's legacy. / / Prosciutto and T-Bone were in charge of intimidation and general terror maintenance. / / The rest of us were run through endless a capella rehearsals of "Addicted to Love" with which we would someday extol the greatness of the Fuhrer upon his rebirth. / The rest of us were run through endless a cappella rehearsals of "Addicted to Love" with which we would someday extol the greatness of the Fuhrer upon his rebirth.|
|Goats comic strip from January / 30 / 2004: hellspawn (16)||Sometimes I would sneak down to the basement with a pouch of Big League Chew and check on Ernesto. Being trapped in a small room with Hitler clones is not good for mental well-being. / How's it going? / Not good. / / We lost another clone. Brain function was severely reduced. He could only communicate in short, snarky asides laden with pop-culture references. / / Poor bastard. / I knocked him unconscious and put him on a truck full of IBM selectrics bound for Mexico.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 02 / 2004: hellspawn (17)||How did you get down here, anyway? / I told Prosciutto someone parked an Iroc-Z down the street. It's time to bust out, Ernesto. / / It's too dangerous, Diablo. / Loovis wants to dress the choir in matching members only jackets. I cannot let that happen. I have a plan, but I need your help. / / Fine, what do you want me to do? / I want you to clone me a BILLION TIMES.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 04 / 2004: hellspawn (18)||No way. I'm not cloning you. / The sheer volume of Diablos that would result from a billiontuple-fold cloning would blow the roof right off the house. / / There's still the perimiter guard to get past. And we don't have the biomass to clone you a billion times. / How many times could you clone me? / / Umm... Twice. / We'll have to go with Plan B. How fat can you get?|
|Goats comic strip from February / 06 / 2004: hellspawn (19)||After some debate, Ernesto and I agreed on a plan. / This plan sucks. What about T-Bone and Prosciutto? / Don't worry. You leave them to me. / / Maybe we should reconsider. Loovis isn't that bad / You're talking about a man who once ate a librarian. I think she might disagree with you. / / Sometimes I wish I was an autobot. One that transformed into a chevy celebrity eurosport. / We all do, Ernesto. We all do.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 09 / 2004: hellspawn (20)||Hey, you nerds! / T-Bone, did I hear correctly? Did some wiseguy just call us NERDS? / / Yes Mister Prosciutto. / You're in enough trouble as it is, Diablo. There was no Iroc-Z. And what is that egghead doing out of the basement? / / Ernesto has come to challenge T-Bone to an intricately choreographed tied-wrist knife fight. / Oh no. It's "amok time" all over again.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 11 / 2004: hellspawn (21)||Eat my steel, you Nazi stooge. / / Gah. / / Avenge me, Diablo! Avenge my death! / What? With violence? You know how much I hate that stuff.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 13 / 2004: hellspawn (22)||They let you go! Did it work? / / Yup. They're looting through your dead clone's pockets. / That Chinese finger puzzle I left them should keep them busy for a few hours. / / And now, with T-Bone and Prosciutto out of the way, Loovis Junior will fall. / I will crush his skull beneath the fearsome hooves of the ponies of vengeance.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 16 / 2004: hellspawn (23)||click / And then, things moved quickly. We charged right into the middle of Thursday afternoon choir drills, clicking away like epileptic Hottentots. / / Loovis Junior was wicked scared of Hottentots. While he was still incapacitated by shock, I launched our secret weapon -- the Octohitler -- directly at his groin. / / The ensuing carnage was videotaped by novice fillmmakers Gumberto and Vonda, who sent it to America's Funniest Home Videos, where it won third place in the "Violent Groin Attacks" category.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 18 / 2004: hellspawn (24)||Within minutes, Loovis was dead from testicular shock. / / My siblings, as if awakened from a long slumber, silently walked away from that house of horrors. They scattered to the far corners of the earth, never to be reunited again, except maybe for the occasional sequel. / / Only Ernesto and I remained behind, serving witness as Loovis Junior's corpse burned atop a pyre of "Omni" magazines.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 20 / 2004: hellspawn (25)||Finally I left home, and began my own amazing adventures, available in a separate volume, on sale this week only. / That's a stupid story. You're stupid. / / I'm glad you liked it. Vonda and Gumberto went on to pen a screenplay telling an eerily similar story which was optioned by the studios, secretly rewritten by Akiva Goldsman, and released later that year as Lethal Weapon 2. / / There wasn't any disembowelment in that story at all. / Oh, that. That got cut for time.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 23 / 2004: chaos pope (1)||Did you know that a cat's urine glows under a black light? / Just...just shut up. Shut UP. / / Don't you want to know how I found out about that juicy tidbit? / You and your funny little adventures and your mildy offensive nonsense. I've had enough of it. / / That's it. Starting today, I'm coming out of the closet of chaos. I challenge you to A VILLAINRY DUEL. / Note to self: Swedes will flip out at mention of pet excreta.|
|Goats comic strip from February / 25 / 2004: chaos pope (2)||Fine. I accept your challenge. You know how these things work? / Of course. / / 1. Create alter-ego
- Doctor Sun
- Evil Boy
- The Duke / The villainry duel begins with the traditional assumption of secret identity. Henchmen are procured, followed by armament, and then, the duel itself. Whomever commits the most villainous act within 24 hours wins, and whoever loses does not. / / So you play traditional rules! The's so quaint. It's like I'm competing with the Pope. / Hmm. Perhaps you are.
|Goats comic strip from February / 27 / 2004: chaos pope (3)||Phillip! Dude! Bitchin' raiments! / Oh, but these are not just ordinary raiments, my friend. The are the raiments of the CHAOS POPE! / / Who's the Chaos Pope? / And what are you doing with his hat? / I'm the Chaos Pope. It's me. / / I wasn't aware you were into the whole popery scene. / I'm not, like, a full-blown popery freak or anything. Once a month, tops.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 01 / 2004: chaos pope (4)||With you two lackey popes at my side, nothing stands between me and juicy, delicious victory. / Lackeys? We are no man's lackeys. / / For we are the ARCH-POPES! / With "chubby fingers of death" kung-fu grip. / / You can call yourselves "The Barons of Funk" for all I care, as long as you're functionally subservient to my evil whim. / I made you a thermos of soup.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 03 / 2004: chaos pope (5)||Little girl! Do you beleve that God turned himself into a pork chop, which was given unto me, the CHAOS POPE, so that I may partake of his flesh and forge my pork-fueled wisdom into a fiery sword of church doctrine? / No. / / Then you shall perish from the Earth, and at the end of your days you will spend the rest of eternity in a lake of fire, wearing a swimsuit of fire, taking swimming lessons from Joan Rivers impersonators. Who are on fire. / / WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA / I believe! I believe! / Then give us your money.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 05 / 2004: chaos pope (6)||You there! With the ice cream! Stop in the name of all that is holy. / Me? / / You BARBARIAN. It is forbidden for sweatshirt-wearing males to eat rum raisin ice cream in public. / B-but this is vanilla fudge. / / Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Arch popes, tie him to a tree with the holy twine. / Give us your money.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 08 / 2004: chaos pope (7)||You know, I'm not so sure about this pope stuff anymore. It seems wrong. / Well, I can't get enough popery. I love it! / / Yeah. Me too. / The irrational doctrines, the infallibility, the self-contradicting source material, the willful disregard for logic, and... the MONEY. Oh, the money. I think I've found religion, Bob. / / But what about love, Neil?
Is there any room in your funny pope hat for LOVE?
|Goats comic strip from March / 10 / 2004: chaos pope (8)||What the hell are you talking about? / I'm talking about love, Neil. Our forbidden love. / / I've waited a long time for you, and I won't wait any longer. Marry me, Neil. / Sure, why not. I'm free on Thursday. / / But the church forbids marriage between male extra-terrestrial popes. / Who would have thought my flagrant discriminatory behavior would have come back to haunt me? Oh, cruel irony, I flip the bird at thee!|
|Goats comic strip from March / 12 / 2004: chaos pope (9)||This sucks. Now we'll never get to have church-approved sweaty gay pope sex. / How could the church betray us like this? / / Perhaps an influential external agent has gotten a bit too close to the chaos pope. / Musta been the communists. They've got their greasy claws in everything these days. / / Trotsky again, eh? But why? / Having no religion of their own to sustain them, the commies crave the delicious flavor of Phillip's pork chop god.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2004: chaos pope (10)||~ Slightly later ~ / So you say the Communists are responsible for everything wrong in my life? / Including the icky feeling you get when you watch gay porn. / / I hate that feeling! How did Communists get that feeling inside of me? / We suspect they used some sort of pump. Have you seen Trotsky around here lately? / / He stopped by for a short while earlier in the afternoon to show me his brand new bicycle pump. / That devious bastard. It's going to take more than an ice pick to stop him this time.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 17 / 2004: chaos pope (11)||I need to get those goddamned pinkos out of my head. / The only way to defeat them is to wed us immediately. / / But what about the icky feeling? / You don't want to be a communist, do you? / They'll take all your pope money and give to freaking orphans, man. / / Fine. By the pork chop ingested by me, I pronounce you husband and other husband. / SWEET! I get to be on top.|
|Goats comic strip from March / 19 / 2004: chaos pope (12)||Ah, cripes. Diablo's going to be back in fifteen minutes. What villainy can we commit in fifteen minutes? / Ooh! Pancakes! / / What? / Sorry. I have logorrhea. / / What's logorrhea? Could it be used for evil? / Probably. Nothing good ends in "rhea". / Go go gadget cannibalism!|
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 >>