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| Goats comic strip from April / 26 / 2005: infinite typewriters (7) | We really do need to get a lock for this thing. / These Earth creatures have gone too far! / / First they confusingly introduce cola with vanilla flavor. Then, as if to further the confusion, they introduce cola with LIME flavor! And now they have stolen our SINGULARITY. / / Stinky Earthers! Why do they keep doing things all the time? / We must crush all humans before their insidious beverage options overwhelm us. http://www.goats.com/archive/050426.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 27 / 2005: infinite typewriters (8) | *click* / I have destroyed entire worlds for lesser crimes. / They put you on hold again? / / Do you remember the Gravarid restarurant planet? Boiled away into space, because they had the audacity to serve me Tavistian Monkey Nuggets out of season. / / Yes? Hello Mister Police Hotline? I have a crime scene. Dispatch Gary Sinise immediately or suffer the agony of PSYCHIC EMASCULATION. http://www.goats.com/archive/050427.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 28 / 2005: infinite typewriters (9) | These T.V. detectives had better finish up their dramatic DNA analysis soon. / Television fame has made them SOFT. Soft and supple. / / I will not have time to destroy their civilization this afternoon if this dawdling continues. / Speed it along, Dawdleboy! / / By the ghost of Satan... it's a goldfish scale! / Well I'll be a Tavistan Monkey Nugget's uncle. http://www.goats.com/archive/050428.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 02 / 2005: infinite typewriters (10) | Look, you're very nice, but I don't go that way, you know? / What way? The way of intense goat action? / / Damned Panties of Potency must be on the fritz again. Friggin' lazy chinese prison labor... Wait. WHAT THE? / / I'm almost done. / Good. We're going to need to leave soon. http://www.goats.com/archive/050502.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 03 / 2005: infinite typewriters (11) | WHERE IS THAT DAMNED SINGULARITY-STEALING SALAMANDER? / He's a fish / Fishes aren't alliterative. / / If you're looking for that two-timing thief with the erector-set noggin, get in line. / What line? / / The line to beat his skull in with a nail-studded bat. / How long, exactly, is this line? http://www.goats.com/archive/050503.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 04 / 2005: infinite typewriters (12) | So how do we debone the bastard if we don't know where he is? / If you've got a spaceship, I've got a plan. / / KZZOK KZZOK KZZOK / Now this is what I call a PLAN. / Ooh! Double-wide stroller! Twenty points! http://www.goats.com/archive/050504.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 05 / 2005: infinite typewriters (13) | So how does the rest of this plan go? / We keep destroying things until one of those things is the fish. / "Things" had better not include all the ice cream, because someone still owes me a cone. / / KZZZOK KZZZOK / Oh, not that. Don't blow that up. / They just rebuilt that. http://www.goats.com/archive/050505.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 09 / 2005: infinite typewriters (14) | Ready or not, it's about time we were going. / Oh, we're ready.
/ Meet TARFON. / / You built a teleport robot out of a used death-spider chassis? What DECADE is this from? / I was pressed for time. Bite me. / / Besides, how many teleport robots do you know that are powered by a POTATO? / Uhhh... None. http://www.goats.com/archive/050509.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 10 / 2005: infinite typewriters (15) | You may want to stand back a ways. A lead-lined jockstrap wouldn't hurt, either.
/ TARFON! ACTIVATE TRANSPORT SEQUENCE! / / Dammit! It's collapsing! The teleportal is unstable! / / SLAM! / OLIVER! What did I tell you about smoking and creating temporal rifts in the house? / It was the robot! http://www.goats.com/archive/050510.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 11 / 2005: infinite typewriters (16) | WORK, damn you! Why won't it WORK? / There's no time! / / Alright, nerds, pack up your toys. My new police cruiser isn't going to stay stolen forever. / / Can you get us outside Manhattan? / Of course! Legend says that whomever shall wear this hat has INFINITE POWER. / That's not how hats work. http://www.goats.com/archive/050511.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 12 / 2005: infinite typewriters (17) | Maybe the magnets aren't aligned right. / Then we wouldn't see anything at all. It's as if the teleport rifts are healing themselves. / / Can you keep the dork talk down for fifteen more minutes? We're almost there. http://www.goats.com/archive/050512.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 16 / 2005: infinite typewriters (18) | Diablo! This is a surprise! / Satan, I'd like you to meet my son Oliver, his friend FINEAS, and their teleport robot Tarfon. / / This ain't no SATAN! Satan got red skin and 100% less plaid shirts. / You're right. I'm not really Satan. / / That's exactly the sort of clever misdirection that Satan would employ. / I'm trying to think of ways in which this is an improvement over being burned alive in the flaming ruins of Manhattan. http://www.goats.com/archive/050516.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 17 / 2005: infinite typewriters (19) | It's good to meet all of you. Especially you, Oliver! You're the spitting image of your dad. So what brings you by? I don't get much company since I moved out to Jersey. / / Two aliens and a goat burned down our city because we stole their panties and singularities. / So you'll be staying for dinner. / / DINNER? Didn't you hear the chicken? We've got a homicidal goat with a laser-encrusted flying saucer after us. / Just cheesecake, then. http://www.goats.com/archive/050517.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 18 / 2005: infinite typewriters (20) | C'mon FINEAS! There's always room for dessert. / No time. I've got to get these magnets aligned so we can teleport out of here. / / Let me guess. Your teleportals are collapsing? / Yeah. How the hell did you know? / / I have a passing familiarity with these sort of things. You could say that messing with the fabric of the universe was a big part of my old job. http://www.goats.com/archive/050518.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 19 / 2005: infinite typewriters (21) | You can't just treat space and time like some filthy whore, poking through various holes willy-nilly. The fabric of the universe is much more complicated than you would believe. / / See, the universe is, to use a metaphor which is inaccurate on so many levels it's almost laughable, ALIVE. If you wound it, it HEALS itself. / / So if you want to have your way with the universe, you're going to have to do more than poke it with your flaccid stick of science. You're going to have to burn open the edges of the healing wound with THE DEMON FIRE OF XIBALBA. http://www.goats.com/archive/050519.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 23 / 2005: infinite typewriters (22) | Seriously. The demon fire of XIBALBA. / I shit you not. Xibalba is the Mayan underworld, ruled over by the dreaded TWELVE LORDS OF XIBALBA. / / You must travel there, avoiding obstacles, defeating traps, and besting trials until you come to the Council Place of the Lords, where you will have to vanquish the gods of death themselves to claim your prize. / / I didn't have much planned this weekend anyway. So how to I get to Xibalba? / It's one exit south of here on the New Jersey Turnpike. http://www.goats.com/archive/050523.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 24 / 2005: infinite typewriters (23) | The road to Xibalba is a dangerous one. There are three rivers you'll need to cross. The first is filled with SCORPIONS. / Who knew scorpions were so viscous? / / Then, you will have to cross a river filled with BLOOD. / A river of blood. How... quaint. / Losers! / / And finally, a river filled with PUS. Pus drained from the OPEN WOUNDS of a HUNDRED SYPHILLITIC JAGUARS. / I got pus on my scorpion. / We'll clean it off when we get home. http://www.goats.com/archive/050524.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 25 / 2005: infinite typewriters (24) | Once you have crossed the three rivers, you will come to the Crossroads of Xibalba. BEWARE! The pathways will try and trick you. Only cunning logic will tell you which route leads to the way ahead, and which ones lead to CERTAIN DEATH. / / This is the way ahead! / You TOLD them? Why the hell did you tell them? / He wasn't supposed to tell you. Can we start over? http://www.goats.com/archive/050525.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 26 / 2005: infinite typewriters (25) | At the end of the path you will come to the ancient Mayan BALL COURT OF XIBALBA. / / There you will be challenged by the TEN DEMON LORDS. / / To claim the demon fire, you must defeat them. / Oh YES! This is easier than your SISTER! http://www.goats.com/archive/050526.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 31 / 2005: infinite typewriters (26) | Well, Mr. Demon Lord, you're down by twelve, there's two minutes left, and your buddies play this game with the skill of an epileptic jackrabbit. What are you going to do about it? / ~ SEVERAL ASS-WHOOPINGS LATER ~ / / THUCK! / / FOUL! http://www.goats.com/archive/050531.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 01 / 2005: infinite typewriters (27) | I think we're going to need a substitution. / I'm ready. Explain the rules to me. / / KA-CHUNK KA-CHUNK / Larry the Demon Lord over there didn't specify any. / Good. / / AM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM / YEAARGHH!! http://www.goats.com/archive/050601.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 02 / 2005: infinite typewriters (28) | Wow! That was a great game, fellas. Simply faboo. We'd sign you to a three-year contract if there was a professional league for this stuff. / / Who the HELL are you? / My apologies, little one. I'm ONE DEATH, and this is my associate, SEVEN DEATH. Officially, we're the LORDS OF DEATH, but I think the title is a bit immodest. / / Sorry we killed all your demons. / Don't sweat it. It's a cinch to make more. Two parts Murphy's Oil Soap, one part Corn Flakes. http://www.goats.com/archive/050602.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 06 / 2005: infinite typewriters (29) | You better be givin' us our demon fire, then. / Yes. We've earned the prize by besting your demons in the game. / / You've been misinformed, gents. The game is only the first step. You must also face the challenge of DARK HOUSE. It's a new rule we've recently instituted as part of my "XIBALBA IS FOR LOVERS" tourism initiative. / / How new, exactly, is this rule? / Twenty-three seconds. http://www.goats.com/archive/050606.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 07 / 2005: infinite typewriters (30) | This is totally unfair. We won the game! You can't go springing challenges on us willy-nilly. / Oh, relax. It's a very simple one. Easy-peasy. / / Are there monsters or columns of spinning razor blades or something? / I'll have all that stuff turned off. / / All you kids need to do is spend the night in dark house and smoke these tasty cubans, courtesy of the Xibalba tourism board. / I will go. I have trained all my life for this moment. http://www.goats.com/archive/050607.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 08 / 2005: infinite typewriters (31) | Ah, ROBUSTO, my friend. It is good to see you. / How can you be so blas?? / / How can you be so ugly? / A man named ONE DEATH has locked us in a completely darkened house for only TOBACCO for a source of illumination. This doesn't worry anyone else? There could be ANYTHING in here with us. / / SKRITCH / Only one way to find out for sure. / Put out the match. NOW. http://www.goats.com/archive/050608.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 09 / 2005: infinite typewriters (32) | FEMINISM was established to allow UNATTRACTIVE WOMEN easier access to the mainstream. / I LOVE Oxycontin. / I'm getting a cyanide tooth installed first thing Monday. / / This whole place is CRAWLING with pundits. One guy? Kept bugging me about MICROPAYMENTS. / THAT guy? I thought he said MICROPIMENTOS. / / Micropimentos. / You know. For tiny olives. http://www.goats.com/archive/050609.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 13 / 2005: infinite typewriters (33) | You know, this place has me thinking a lot about the nature of man. / It's cool if you're a homo. Just don't be touchin' me. / / The role of consciousness is to play witness to the outcome of quantum events. Man perceives the universe around him, and in doing so, creates it. There's no reason for a place like this to exist except that we need it to. We need to be punished for our sins, and so we create a place of fire and brimstone. / / Could the universe be so malleable that we can will it to do whatever we want? / DUDES! You MISSED it! I was the meat in an Ann Coulter sandwich. http://www.goats.com/archive/050613.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 14 / 2005: infinite typewriters (34) | If this all goes right, we'll be able to zip across vast distances in the blink of an eye. If we can so radically affect the nature of the universe ourselves, what do we need God for? / Do we become our own gods? / / You've got to get a grip on yourself, man! The stink of punditry is strong in here. So strong it may be affecting us. / / Oh no! We're becoming PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES! / Time to blow this metaphorical pop stand. http://www.goats.com/archive/050614.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 15 / 2005: infinite typewriters (35) | Bloody hell! Something just nipped at my undercarriage. / There's nothing there. You're imagining things. The exit should be nearby. / / This is just like the time my brother Ernesto and I snuck into Loovis Junior's bedroom and read his collection of old Newsweeks. It had that same air of danger, that same giddy fear of being caught. / / Funny, I had the same thought. / ERNESTO?! / Okay, everyone please stop thinking so much. http://www.goats.com/archive/050615.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 16 / 2005: infinite typewriters (36) | So nice of you to drop by, Diablo. Thanks to you, I've been vacationing here in the underworld for the last eighteen years. You watched while T-Bone and Prosciutto gutted me with this very knife. / / This makes no sense Ernesto! You're ALIVE! You have a wife and two eggs out in Alameda! You brought your famous three-bean dip to the family picnic last month! / / The only person who I recall being stabbed repeatedly by T-Bone while I stood idly by was that Ernesto clone that we made to-
/ / OH. http://www.goats.com/archive/050616.html |
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