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| Goats comic strip from October / 06 / 2005: infinite typewriters (97) | Feh. The matchbox is USELESS without the matches. / Looks like it's full. / / Impossible. I swear I saw Oliver take the matches out of the box. / Well, mister obviously-not-a-reliable-witness, I guess he missed a few, huh? / / We'd best be moving on from here before it gets dark. There are things in these hills more monstrous than the imagination can comprehend. / Also tonight is pudding night! http://www.goats.com/archive/051006.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 10 / 2005: infinite typewriters (98) | Does every alternate dimension have a pudding night? / Couldn't tell you. We're only assistant editors for Manhattan 3. / / We don't have access to make changes to any other levels. / How many levels are there? / / There's an infinite number of levels, and a team of assistant editors for each. / Which is why it's vitally important to get to pudding night as soon as possible. The lines get ridiculous. http://www.goats.com/archive/051010.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 11 / 2005: infinite typewriters (99) | I gotta tell you, we had to go through quite some trouble to get you here from Manhattan Three. / We got here ourselves last I checked. / / You didn't think a confluence of bizarre events like you guys have been going through just happens naturally, did you? / There was some meddling involved. / / MEDDLING? We've been through two separate incarnations of Hell. Aliens are chasing us. Half of New York is in FLAMES. / We're professionals. http://www.goats.com/archive/051011.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 12 / 2005: infinite typewriters (100) | So you guys are our... creators? / Oh, no. Assistant editors don't have permission to create anything larger than a potato, really. / / We don't create the universes. We just make tweaks, trim them here and there, keep things neat. Think of us as God's gardeners. / So there IS a God? / / Not like he's traditionally thought of on your level, what with the beard and the flowing robes and the good cop/bad cop routine. / He's only got a moustache. http://www.goats.com/archive/051012.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 13 / 2005: infinite typewriters (101) | You're not telling me that you two report directly to God, are you? / Oh no. Of course not. We've never even seen the guy. / / But the Editor-in-Chief takes meetings with him once a month. Apparently God keeps an interest in how things are going creation-wise, even though he's moved on to bigger projects. / / Bigger than creation? / All we've heard is that he spends a lot of time pretending to be a pirate named Larry. / It's very hush-hush. http://www.goats.com/archive/051013.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 17 / 2005: infinite typewriters (102) | We spend a lot of our time writing business plans for various Manhattan 3 corporations. / The chief calls it "an effective method of affecting change." It gets pretty dry. / / So most of us editors have a few avocational writing projects going on as well, just for kicks. / And you guys... well, you're really fun to write for. / / I AM NOT A SITCOM CHARACTER! / No, no. Of course not. / But next week you're going to schedule two dates for the same night! Hilarity ensues. http://www.goats.com/archive/051017.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 18 / 2005: infinite typewriters (103) | Look, there's really nothing to get upset about here. / Your antics have become quite popular amongst our co-workers, actually. / / Well, of course they have. They're quality antics. / Which brings us to the reason we brought you here in the first place. / / You're the guests of honor at this week's pudding night. http://www.goats.com/archive/051018.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 19 / 2005: infinite typewriters (104) | Wait one second. Something's not right here. Why is Oliver's name up there on the banner? / Yeah, where is he? / Promises were made, Gus. / / Well, uh, see, he's going to be along later. He, uh, had to stop off to... uh... / HE HAD TO GO GET SPECIAL SURPRISE PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE! / / Yay! / Presents! / They went for the twist ending! I TOTALLY saw this coming. http://www.goats.com/archive/051019.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 20 / 2005: infinite typewriters (105) | You made a mistake. You were trying to write all three of us here but you screwed up somehow. / Please, keep your voice down. / / You weren't expecting Oliver to turn on us and bolt. Why is that? After all, you created him, didn't you? / Like I said, we're just assistant editors. / Hold yer horses, fellas. I created Oliver. / / This has gotten beyond your control. Take me to your editor-in-chief. http://www.goats.com/archive/051020.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 24 / 2005: infinite typewriters (106) | Okay, enough already with the ruckus over here. It sounds like mongoose mating season. / Chief, these are the folks I told you about. The ones from those stories we do on the side for kicks? / / I never gave you approval for that, you know. / They want to speak with you. We, uh... we may have made a few minor mistakes. / / Excuse me, are you... are you HIM? / Of course. Who else would take such a thankless job? Rob Reiner? http://www.goats.com/archive/051024.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 25 / 2005: infinite typewriters (107) | I don't believe it. Woody Freaking Allen is the Editor-in-Chief of all existence. / Is it really so hard to believe? / / Well, you know. / "Hollywood Ending". / That was a DECOY! A ruse to throw people off my trail. It's not polite to appear too omniscent. / / Really? / No. I was distracted by Tea Leoni's ass. http://www.goats.com/archive/051025.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 26 / 2005: infinite typewriters (108) | Let's sit. We'll have some coffee and a nosh. I'm sorry about the rocks for chairs. We're getting some Ikea stuff delivered on Friday. / / Let me get right to the heart of the matter, Mr. Allen. In an effort to entertain their buddies around the watercooler, your employees here have written into existence a tiny dynamo of evil named Oliver. He has the knowledge, the tools and the desire to do widespread damage to the very fabric of the multiverse. / / I blame the monkeys for my poor parenting skills. / This is what I get for hiring sitcom writers. http://www.goats.com/archive/051026.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 27 / 2005: infinite typewriters (109) | This is all your fault! You wanted to spice things up with a new character! I said no, that's horribly cliched, that's Scrappy Doo all over again, but did you listen? / / I had to do something to bring the audience back after you drove them off with your ridiculous "Shazam Twix" ramblings. / I wouldn't expect an Apex Tech alumnus like yourself to understand the poetry of Shazam Twix. / / Besides, it's not like anything we do is out of line with the big guy's plan. As long as we're being fact-checked by an omniscient god, we're pretty much just doing his will, right? / See, about that... http://www.goats.com/archive/051027.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 31 / 2005: infinite typewriters (110) | Let me tell you a story. One day God comes to me and says that he's going be working on a new project, and that he's going to be incommunicado for a bit. / / I never did find out what he was working on aside from the fact that it involved dressing like pirates. He works in mysterious ways, you know. / / Anyway, he was working in mysterious ways from home when he was visited by two people who, I can't believe I'm saying this, tricked him into becoming a pork chop and then ate him. / So. God is dead. / Nietzsche was right! http://www.goats.com/archive/051031.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 01 / 2005: infinite typewriters (111) | I never did find out who the two hoodlums were. / This doesn't make any sense! God is omniscient! How could he possibly be so stupid as to allow himself to be eaten? / / Well, between you and me, God's not really that bright a bulb. I mean, the guy can build worlds, sure, but that's basically a construction job, very blue collar. / / Look at the Earth. Does it strike you as the product of an intelligent designer? / No, not really. / What's up with porcupines? http://www.goats.com/archive/051101.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 02 / 2005: infinite typewriters (112) | Ever since God bit the big one, I've been trying to keep the whole thing quiet. It'd be bad for morale if it got out. / This is crazy, Chief. You can't cover up the murder of God. / / Maybe not forever, but I was hoping to make it past the holiday season. Things are already stressful enough this time of year. / The entire multiverse will colapse without divine guidance! / We'll cease to exist! / / My Don Knotts memorabilia will be worthless. / Don't get yourself in a huff. I've got the whole shebang running just fine on this new fancy laptop computer. http://www.goats.com/archive/051102.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 03 / 2005: infinite typewriters (113) | We may have been a mote in God's eye before, but now we're running on this baby. The stock markets of seventeen different versions of Earth are tied directly to my high score in minesweeper. / / You're running the infinite multidimensional whole of existence on a notebook computer? / I outsourced the whole thing to this very nice red fellow with a team of a dozen dead ancient Mayan programmers. / / Then Oliver must be in there somewhere. I'm going to need you to JACK ME ON TO THE MULTIVERSE. / Look mister, I don't know what you've read about me, but I don't do that sort of thing with animals. http://www.goats.com/archive/051103.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 08 / 2005: infinite typewriters (114) | What tipped you off that the monkeys created Oliver? / Just a hunch. No one that cliched could exist in real life. / / I thought they said they couldn't actually create anything, though. / Nothing bigger than a potato. Oliver is three percent smaller by volume than your average Idaho tater. / / If I'm not really Oliver's father we're going to have to reconsider his allowance. / Reconsider it to ZERO. I may have to kill him. http://www.goats.com/archive/051108.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 09 / 2005: infinite typewriters (115) | Look, I may only be Oliver's father by proxy, but I don't want to see him MURDERED. Not by someone else, anyway. / It's the only way. / / The assistant editors juiced up Oliver with unnatural levels of ambition and technical expertise in their pursuit to create a sort of compelling real-life third-season cast replacement. But they went too far. / / Now they've lost control of their creation, and their precious God isn't alive to fix their mistakes for them. There's a power void, and nature abhors a vaccuum. It's only a matter of time before Oliver makes his way back here. We have to bring the war to him first. http://www.goats.com/archive/051109.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 10 / 2005: infinite typewriters (116) | I don't understand why I can't delete this Oliver person. The red gentleman said his programmers built triple error checking into their software thingies. / / I told you to hire my cousin, but NO, you had to outsource everything to the Mayan underworld. / Their rates were ten percent cheaper. / / Way to buck the stereotype, Woody. / This from someone who enjoys fleas as an appetizer. / Let's dispense with the petty banter, gentlemen. It's time to JACK ON. http://www.goats.com/archive/051110.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 14 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (1) | Hello to regular readers of Goats. Today's strip is more for GUEST STRIP AUTHORS.
/ My name is Diablo Chicken. You may be familiar with me. I'm the SAFE HOOK character. / / The safe hook character is the one guest artists will use most in THEIR strips, because they're well-known, and have a clear personality. It's hard to do a SUBTLE strip regular readers will enjoy, so why not try to HIT ONE OUT OF THE PARK using a BELOVED MASCOT? / / So guest artists -- REMEMBER THE SAFE HOOK! Use it when you're doing a guest strip for a comic you've never actually read.
/ And WORSHIP SATAN. http://www.goats.com/archive/051114.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 15 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (2) | THE SEARCH FOR GOOD HITLER / / We have heard reports that Good Hitler may have survived his battle with Space Hitler. It is the decision of this council that we send the only man fit for the job of investigate these rumors... / STARRING: MILD MANNERED MUSSOLINI / / THAT MAN IS... SECOND BEST HITLER / I do what I can. / / If you want me to stop, all you have to do is tell me where Good Hitler is! / Ok. Ok. Sheesh / / SOHNE DER WEIBCHEN!!! / COMING SUMMER 2006. / / It's a disgrace, yet it's intriguing. I don't know if I should puke or if I should get excited. / Why don't you excitedly puke? http://www.goats.com/archive/051115.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 16 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (3) | I believe a fulfilling life requires genuine compassion. I have quite a bit of it - for myself. / / Guy in the street today asks me for change. I say, "Buddy, I'm an explosive-wielding CHICKEN. Who's looking out for my well-being? HUH?! / / I think that's your problem. You don't care enough about me. / Shouldn't you be a ROOSTER? http://www.goats.com/archive/051116.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 17 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (4) | Today we bring you this years big scoop from behind the scenes of Goats / .. the truth about who really creates this prominent comic / It's me, I'm the brain behind all this. Not that silly cross-dresser Jon / Fuck Jon! / / .. The conspiracy / Every time I try to tell the world about this, Jon makes some bogus terrorist bomb threat and say I did it.. / always blaming the guy from Morocco / / .. The closing / I love you Jon, but if it wasn't for me, you'd be no one, and now the truth is out! / Put that in your pipe and smoke it! http://www.goats.com/archive/051117.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 18 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (5) | Alfred, if we're stuck in a void and you've been here for nineteen thousand years, how is the bar still stocked? / More importantly, how many Macallans before we run out? / / That eez an excellent question. By some way I don't understand, ze liquor is replenished when no one eez looking! I may not know how zees eez possible, but I have a few theories. / / There eez also ze possibility of a number of miniscule wormholes, each opening for a moment in ze distilleries of ze worlds and terminating here, siphoning off molecules of fine whiskey at a time. But zere has been no convincing evidence that stable wormholes can exist, and zis does not explain ze new bottles. / / Zere is also ze direct divine intervention! Many theologians reject zis argument, as God hasn't manifested in ze observable universe zo far, and zis eez a bit of a cop out for him. / / Or perhaps ze alcohol eez actually a fast-reproducing organism, 'owever, an extrordinarily shy one. Zere remains ze question of how zis organism would take in nutrients. Eet may be related to ze regenerating bar nuts. / / Or maybe our Stub Pub eez a Schroeninger's box of liquor, materializing it when observed... / / Have you noticed that talking to this guy is like watching Wikipedia have sex with a sommelier? / That gives me a great idea for a business. http://www.goats.com/archive/051118.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 21 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (6) | Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping is the best part of my day indeed! / / *gasp* / / Wh- wait, who are you? / Hello T-Rex. / We're talking animals, and I'm evil. / / Oooh! We're evil animals! I'm SO SCARED! / / lah de dah / / That was you guys, by the way! / I came back because I need to bite you. http://www.goats.com/archive/051121.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 22 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (7) | Well, here we are. Doomed to spend millenia trapped in an interdimensional pub with no hope of rescue. / Don't worry, I have a plan. / / What's that? / It's a paper football! / / Is it some kind of hyperdimensional transport interface that manifests itself in our dimension as a paper football? / Nope, just the regular kind. That end of the bar is your end zone! / I get to play ze winner! http://www.goats.com/archive/051122.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 23 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (8) | It's non-stop talk on the Sleestak party line! / / ...hot, fun, anonymous chat for Sleestaks just like you! Call now! / / / Kssshht... ksshhtt... / Seriously, Bruce...not at the bar, man. http://www.goats.com/archive/051123.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 24 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (9) | Here, Jon. Lately I've been feeling... somewhat... AMBIVALENT for - you know - being "evil" and all. So have a BAGEL. My treat. / BAGEL!!! / / A BAGE- / Yeah. / What, because I - / Well I thought you migh- / / - Where did you pick THAT up? Just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I like bagels and pickles, or I'm good at math and money. It doesn't mean I'm awesome in bed, have laser vision or super-human strength! You don't see Philip eating Swedish meatballs every day, do you? / GLARE! / / Yeah!! / Now gimme dat bagel! / ZAP! / SIZZLE! / HAPPY END! http://www.goats.com/archive/051124.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 25 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (10) | BEEP BEEP BEEP / Back it up, back it up! / / What's this? / Hurricane rations! I'm not spending the winter in a "super dome". / / That's clever. You put 2000 gallons of drinking water inside a fake "death bot". / / Fake NOTHING! This thing's programmed to punch weather systems to death. / / That sounds spurious. I want it to WOW me. / It can loot an entire Target in 5 minutes flat. http://www.goats.com/archive/051125.html |
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