You're browsing the archives of Goats.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Goats comic strip from July / 06 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (22) | Tell me where Phillip is, Oliver. / You tell me where the robot is, I'll tell you where I put Phillip. It's a fair trade, I think. Like NAFTA but with less Mexicans involved. / / Without the robot, there's no way for me to check if you're telling me the truth. / You're a resourceful dude. You'll figure out something. Maybe you can make a transdimensional periscope out of some twine. / / No deal. / Then Phillip rots. Maybe he'll ferment? / / It's been nice chatting with you, but I guess I'll go back to piling large rocks on top of Diablo until he dies. It helps me feel productive. / / Ow! My pancreas! Does anyone have a spare pancreas? http://www.goats.com/archive/060706.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 10 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (23) | You never really appreciate your internal organs until they start bursting. / Tarfon, initiate return ambulation sequence, code seven, to my current location. / / My sweet, sweet spider-baby! / / Daddy's here now, sweetie. He'll take care of everything. / / I left your drinking buddies in some weird grayscale bar just outside the Electric Donkeydrome Levels of the Twelfth Domain. You should have seen it! It was like returning baby condors to the wild. Glorious. / / It's been a pleasure doing business with you. / I'm going to track you down and kill you. / / Not before ten a.m., please. I like to sleep in on weekends. http://www.goats.com/archive/060710.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 11 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (24) | This has been a major miscalculation. How could I have lost to Oliver?! / / You lost because you did things the mean way. Oliver is not so bad, he would have helped us save the universe if we had asked him nicely. / / Oh, sure, as if we could just engage the enemy with dialogue. What turnip truck did you fall off of after being born yesterday? / / I was not born yesterday! I was born a long time ago at Petco. / / This is your fault. It was your clueless meddling that cost us Oliver and the robot, you aquatic cretin. / / You are the meanest imaginary friend I ever had! / I think one of us has had a stroke. http://www.goats.com/archive/060711.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 12 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (25) | I am so sorry, zis bar, she eez a mess. / That's okay, we're just happy for the hospitality. / / I really should check in more often, but zis pub almost never gets ze customers. Zo, what brings you two here? / / A fish, two chickens, a robot and some slugs. / Ah yes, I have heard zat joke before, ze one where zey walk into ze bar. Very clever. / / Excuse me, Alfred, but how exactly did you manage to get yourself down here? / / Oh, I am not actually here. Eet saves a ton of time on my commute. http://www.goats.com/archive/060712.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 13 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (26) | Ooh, that guy is such a jerk! That's it, I'm not playing with him anymore. / / Fish? / Yes! It is me! Fineas was doing a bad job so I unpeached him out of office. / / Is he gone? / No. I made him take a time-out in the corner. So we have to hurry! / / Where are we hurrying to? There's some sort of post-victory tail-gate party goin' on over there. And I never partied with slugs before. / I hurt those two men, I need to see if they are okay. / Woo! / / Those two biker dudes? They fell fifteen stories down a ten-story hole. They're toast, Fish. / / Then we will have to give them Caribou-Pillownary Resuckutation. http://www.goats.com/archive/060713.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 17 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (27) | Hello? Is anyone alive down there? / / Allo to you too! You are just een time for zees perfectly aged Glenrothes I was about to open. It was bottled in 1912, the year that Teddy Roosevelt owned ze distillery. Very rare! / / You stay the hell away, devil fish. You caught me off guard last time but if you come down here I will bust you open. / / That was my other personality! I am the nice one, I promise not to pull anything out of you. / / Then I guess you can come down. / That's it! You tell 'em, Carl. Give them hell. http://www.goats.com/archive/060717.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 18 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (28) | Oh yeah. This feels as good as a hug from Reese Witherspoon. / Zis Reese, she must be a superior hugger. / / I wouldn't know. I've never been hugged. / Zis ees a tragedy! I would hug you but I an not techncially here. / I don't hug. / I hug, but only mammals. / My skin carries a deadly electric charge. / / That is what everyone says all the time to me! / / And there's nothing I can do! A life with no hugs! Can you imagine? I get...tense. / / Zis is ze worst theeng I have ever heard of. How do you cope? / I drink a lot of soda. http://www.goats.com/archive/060718.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 19 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (29) | We prefer not to be called henchmen. That term is offensive. / We're mercenaries, or agents, or ideally bodyguards. In that we guard the body. / / Oliver's body es muy pequeno. It takes two of you? / We're not guarding Oliver's body, per se, although we protect him as well out of professional courtesy. / We're guarding Khan Junior's body. / / You're guarding a headless, armless body that has gone missing. Good job! / Bodyguarding is hard! / We're still working on it. / / Besides, the head isn't technically a part of the body. / Not anymore, anyway. http://www.goats.com/archive/060719.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 20 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (30) | How did you come about zis line of work, zis guarding of ze body? / That's a long, tangential and mostly irrelevant story which will take, oh, I don't know... / Three weeks. / / At least three weeks to tell. / Maybe more if he adds a B-story. / / It's 1994, see, and we're seniors at the School of Visual Arts. / 1994. The year that Kurt Kobain died. Also Nixon, Jeffrey Dahmer and Martha Raye. Plus Linus Pauling. / People died a lot back then. We get it. / / This is before Khan Junior discovered his heritage, mind you. This is back when he was still Jimmy the Shiv. / It's just that you might want to try something different for a while. / O'Keefe stuck to vagina flowers and nobody hassled her about it. Tiny animals with knives is who I am. http://www.goats.com/archive/060720.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 24 / 2006: goats open mic week (1) | DIABLO AND FISH: BFF
/ by L.Fry / / Hi Diablo What are you doing today / I'm making the world a better place!! / / I'm hand-altering the DNA of your favorite super heroes! / Oh boy! / / SUPER-PUNISHER has guns growing out of him in several places / That must save you time! / WHAT / / SUPER-WONDER WOMAN now has PG-13 rated knockers / She can use them to KNOCK people out! / / And SUPER-WOLVERINE has claws on his hands AND feet!! / HOORAY! Now he can climb TREES! http://www.goats.com/archive/060724.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 25 / 2006: goats open mic week (2) | Diablo? While I, Fish, am currently in control over Fineas, could you answer a question of upmost importance for me? / / Whatever, Fish. Shoot. / / Keep in mind; It's very important! / Yes! Yes! What do you want?! / / If I was to meet Reese Witherspoon in person; Do you think she would like me more if I was wearing a blue bowtie, or red? / Trust me; You don't wanna know what I'm thinking right now. http://www.goats.com/archive/060725.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 26 / 2006: goats open mic week (3) | Meanwhile, in a dimension not too far away... / Sporkles, God-emperor of Ba'Coon, demands the prisoner be dragged in! / / What's that you say, emperor? As punishment, the criminal must fellate seventy-three cows? / / Now put his left hand in a bowl of relish. And tie his shoelaces together. / Mff-Mggghm? / Because cunnillate isn't a word? Don't look at me. http://www.goats.com/archive/060726.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 27 / 2006: goats open mic week (4) | ALL GOOD CHILDREN BUY MY TOY http://www.goats.com/archive/060727.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 28 / 2006: goats open mic week (5) | The following takes place shortly after the events told in Contains One Space Battle. / Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. / / / Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to God, my soul to keep. Please bless Mom... and Dad... and... / / Aaaahhh!! I want to vomit, sneeze, crap, burp and kill myself all at once! / All explosively! / Yes! / / Oh my God! / No!! Do not! Please stop! Stop evoking his power! / Please, it hurts so bad. http://www.goats.com/archive/060728.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 31 / 2006: making a hole (1) | Programmer! What are you doing out here? / Respiring. / / You'll have to respire indoors, it is cow-snatcher season! We must all stay inside the complex. / How long does cow-snatcher season last, exactly? / / No one knows. So far it has lasted a little over 6,000 years. / Well, look on the bright side. At least the universe is ending soon. http://www.goats.com/archive/060731.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 01 / 2006: making a hole (2) | So what does a cow-snatcher look like, anyway? / They're nasty beasts. / / Cow-snatchers are sorta like two dragon butts strapped together that just keep makin' each other angrier and angrier. They fly over the fields, scoopin' up cows and careless folk into a great maw full of giant teeth. Teeth the size of a hundred regular teeth. / / I've been out here for hours now and I haven't seen one. / No one's seen a cow-snatcher in at least a thousand years. Maybe more. / / So we're probably due for one at any moment. / Exactly! Try not to smell like a cow. http://www.goats.com/archive/060801.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 02 / 2006: making a hole (3) | Text: Howdy kids! No new strip today. On Tuesday I moved from my tiny Manhattan apartment to a tiny house in Northern Westchester County, about an hour north of the city. While I was packing, I came across some strips I did for The Observer, my high school's student newspaper, back in December of 1989. I present them not for your entertainment, but as a historical curiosity. Please note the plagiarized lyrics from the first strip (stolen from Bloom County's Deathtongue classic "Let's Run over Lionel Ritchie with a Tank"), and the oh-so-subtle anti-fur political commentary of the second strip. Long time readers will no doubt appreciate Howard the eggplant's sudden but pivotal appearance in the fourth panel. / I apologize in advance. New comics will appear here tomorrow. / / [[Nowhere (all white)]] / Dog: One...
/ Two...
/ THREE!! / / [[Nowhere (all white)]] / Dog: Squeeze me tight
/ It feels so right
/ Your breath it stank
/ Run you over with a tank!! / Blob: Yeah! / / [[Nowhere (all white)]] / Dog: Demon slime
/ Dripping on my tie
/ I hate white bread
/ But I like rye!
/ / Blob: Uh-huh! / / [[Nowhere (all white)]] / Eggplant: Mick Jagger you are not. / Dog: Well, excuse me, Mr. Critic. / Blob: Actually, I kind of liked it. / / [[Nowhere]] / Man: Now from Zaphod Toys, just in time for Xmas, is the brand-new Hamster-on-a-Rack!! Bring it on out, George! / Assistant: Yes, Master, yes! / / [[Nowhere]] / Man: Hamster-on-a-Rack is lots of fun for the whole family, and a real favorite with the kids! / / [[Nowhere]] / Man: And don't worry about this little bugger! You can oder extras from Zaphod(c) Toys for only $4.99!! / / [[Nowhere]] / Man: Don't forget the rest of the Zaphod(c) Pet Toy(tm) line - Cat-on-a-Rack, Dog-on-a-Rack, Little-Brother-on-a-Rack, and the Home Furrier Kit!! / Text: Pet-on-a-Rack(tm) Toys from Zaphod(c) Toys* / *A subsidiary of the Atlantic Puppy Grinding Co. & The Furrier's Association http://www.goats.com/archive/060802.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 03 / 2006: making a hole (4) | God's truth is that I sneak out of the complex m'self from time to time. / You're not scared? / / They say the complex defense grid keeps the monsters at bay, but I think, just maybe, the monsters don't exist. Maybe they just make up the stories to keep us inside. / To keep us calm and under control. / Penned like sheep. / / They shave you and make blankets? / But the farmer would never mislead us like that. / / Seriously. Am I going to be shaved? I'm not down with that. / Come. It is time to get back to work. You've much to do, Programmer. / / It's bad enough that you're making me code sober. Now I'm crippled with "shear fear". / Or "shear madness" maybe. http://www.goats.com/archive/060803.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 07 / 2006: making a hole (5) | How's it going? / Data from the latest simulation is coming through now. / Also I have made another pot of coffee! / / I must say that I was a bit concerned about the mandatory coffee rule earlier but now I am coming around. / ...And it looks like we have another failure. No hole in the skin between worlds. / / That's strange. I was sure it was going to work this time. / I am extremely optimistic about our chances for the next simulation. Super-optimistic. Genuinely excited. Awesome. Excellent. Amazing. Let's go! / / Let's add a few more swords, here and here. / We've tried swords for the last fifty iterations. Maybe we should try something else? / / The universe isn't going to stab holes in itself, Yakmeat. If you know something that stabs better than swords I'd like to hear about it. / Stab stabby stab stabbity stabby stab stab swords stab stabbity stab stab stab http://www.goats.com/archive/060807.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 08 / 2006: making a hole (6) | C'mon, Yakmeat! You're being such a party pooper. / You are defecating on our festivities. / / I think we could speed the process along a bit, is all. / We've got years to figure this thing out! Plus, swords are awesome. / / You don't get it. Every time we run a simulation, we are literally creating an entire artificial universe to experiment with. And when an experiment is over, we're just turning off quadrillions of lives. / / I can't conceive of a quantity that large. It's meaningless. You're speaking jibberish. / Each termination can be reduced to a function of 3.5 billion times the number of people exterminated by Adolph Hitler in your level's second world war. / / Oh my God. 3.5 gigahitlers? Each time? http://www.goats.com/archive/060808.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 09 / 2006: making a hole (7) | Wait a second. These are simulated lives we're talking here, right? It's not like I'm mass-murdering genuine fleshbabies. / / We're all simulated, remember? / Ah, dammit. This is just like one of those ethical quandries you're always hearing about. / / So let me get this straight: in order for us to keep our own simulated multiverse from going kablooey, we need to destroy thousands of them. / We pursue our own salvation at the cost of countless other souls. / / Is there any way the souls might find out where I live? / No sir. / Because I imagine they might be pissed off. http://www.goats.com/archive/060809.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 10 / 2006: making a hole (8) | [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: Yakmeat, why didn't you tell me I was playing God here? / Yakmeat: You're the damned Programmer. You're supposed to know this stuff already, aren't you? / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: I don't know my own shoe size! / Cornhusk: Current philosophical thought on this matter centers around the non-existence justification. Without our own universe, none of those sub-universes would exist anyhow, so blowin' em up for the good of the whole is seen as pretty much okay by all forward-thinking folk. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: I might be a size eleven, but I'd have to check inside the shoes I'm wearing to be absolutely certain. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: Hold on a sec, I'm trying to rouse some moral indignation. The shoes thing distracted me. / Cornhusk: Take your time. http://www.goats.com/archive/060810.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 14 / 2006: making a hole (9) | [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: I am not someone who should be entrusted with control over the fate of infinite worlds. / Yakmeat: You thought you could be a messiah without having to make any hard choices? / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Yakmeat: You thought it was all about the fast women and the fast cars and the fast food. / Phillip: If those things are available to me I should have been notified earlier. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Yakmeat: Well they're not. / Phillip: Great. Now I'll have to live with my unfulfilled dreams of eating french fries off the ass of a lady NASCAR driver. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Yakmeat: And the guilt of killing a nearly infinite number of adorable old ladies, kittens and various other life forms. / Phillip: Yeah. That too. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Cornhusk: Also we're out of coffee. / Phillip: Why does everything always happen to me?! http://www.goats.com/archive/060814.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 15 / 2006: making a hole (10) | [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: I'm taking a break. / Cornhusk: You just took one ten minutes ago. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: Ten minutes ago I wasn't the most effective mass murderer in history. I'm taking a break. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Phillip: Slam! / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Cornhusk: He is super-pissed. / Yakmeat: Yeah. / / [[Topeka Prime (Cowputer Labs)]] / Cornhusk: I guess we shouldn't tell him about "Toddler-Torture-Tuesdays" yet. / Yakmeat: No. http://www.goats.com/archive/060815.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 16 / 2006: making a hole (11) | Oh shit. Explosive Oreo. http://www.goats.com/archive/060816.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 17 / 2006: making a hole (12) | Ungh. Wha? / / / Howdy to ya, sweetcheeks! This is yer official resuce and liberation! http://www.goats.com/archive/060817.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 21 / 2006: making a hole (13) | We best be leavin' fore the farmtroopers get here. / Bean! Why?! Why did you do that?! / Do what? / Blow up the window with an Oreo cookie. / / Oh, that. Oreos is the last walkin'-around food they still let you have without checkin' it for explosives. Y'cant't walk five feet with a sports drink fore the 'troopers have you up against the wall. / / No, why did you blow it up? / You was on t'other side, was the only way to get you out. / / Did you think about maybe trying a door? You could have killed me! / If you died, then you probly weren't the messiah nonehow anyways. So twouldn't be a great loss. / / The messiah is imperviable to explosions? / Sure he is, he could just wish hisself into a titanium unicorn or something. Wishes are unstoppable. http://www.goats.com/archive/060821.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 22 / 2006: making a hole (14) | Hold on one second, please. / / / Okay, the rescue of the programmer can now be continuin'. / What am I being rescued from, exactly? / / Oh, you know. The clutches of an oppressive, restrictive society that would use you as a pawn in their self-fulfilling prophesies, prophesies of unending proactive war across foreign dimensions, waged for the short-term economic benefit of the rich and powerful. That sort of thing. / / / There's an alternative? / Oh, yah. Ye can live in caves and explode things from time to time. http://www.goats.com/archive/060822.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 23 / 2006: making a hole (15) | So this is the cave, mister programmer. These fellas here are Farmhand Brock and Violent Robert. They're part of the resistance cell. / Hello. / Hi. / / Brock, are you a lady vegetable also? / I am considered extremely macho by broccoli standards. / / Well, it's a great cave, guys. The nicest one I've seen this week. / We just got a foosball table. / / We discussed this, fellas. There'll be no foosball until after we overthrown the government. / Oh come on! http://www.goats.com/archive/060823.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 24 / 2006: making a hole (16) | [[Topeka Prime (The Cave)]] / Violent Robert: They say you're the programmer. Is it true? / Phillip: That's what they tell me. / / [[Topeka Prime (The Cave)]] / Farmhand Brock: Personally I don't buy into any of that religious crap. The universe isn't going to end. Fate is for weenies who don't take charge of their own destiny. / / [[Topeka Prime (The Cave)]] / Farmhand Brock: Look here. I'm painting this rock! No one could have predicted that I would do that! / / [[Topeka Prime (The Cave)]] / Farmhand Brock: My art is the very essence of self-actualization. / / [[Topeka Prime (The Cave)]] / Farmhand Brock: This frog is proof of the ultimately unknowable nature of the universe. / Violent Robert: It's true. I had no idea he was going to paint a frog on a rock. / Phillip: That's a frog? http://www.goats.com/archive/060824.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 >>