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| Goats comic strip from August / 27 / 1997: phillip gets abducted (2) | Phillip was kidnapped by aliens yesterday. / Really. / / I wonder if he's okay. / I'm sure he's fine. He watches "X-Files" all the time. / / AAHHH!! you freaks keep that thing away from my butt. http://www.goats.com/archive/970827.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 28 / 1997: phillip gets abducted (3) | You must be wondering why we brought you on our ship. / The thought had crossed my mind. / / We want to question you regarding your superior beverage storage technology. / Huh? / / That large protuberance from your midsection. / Oh, you mean the "Great White Beast". http://www.goats.com/archive/970828.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 30 / 1997: phillip gets abducted (4) | The aliens that abducted Phillip still haven't returned him. / Really. / / I can't imagine what sort of adventures they must be having... travelling through the heavens, sharing the secrets of the universe with Phillip. An amazing cultural exchange. / / So after you've poked the hole in the base of the can, you pull the tab at the top and suck all the beer through the bottom. http://www.goats.com/archive/970830.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 31 / 1997: phillip gets abducted (5) | Phillip! You've returned! / Yup. The aliens brought me back safe and sound. / / Because my name is unpronounceable in your language, Phillip has decided to name me 'Neil' / and I will be known as 'Bob'. / / You named them Neil and Bob? / It's better than 'Ben and Jerry'. / Out navigator is now known as 'Dances with Lemurs'. http://www.goats.com/archive/970831.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 01 / 1997: phillip gets abducted (6) | Our new alien friends seem to have had one beer too many. / / Woo-Hoo! Yip yip yip! Lookit me, I'm a cowboy! / Whoa. Look at the orbs on that specimen. / / Great. They're wasted. You've corrupted yet another species. / I know. I'm so proud. http://www.goats.com/archive/970901.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 02 / 1997: beef clothing | I wonder why more people don't wear clothing made of beef. / / Imagine it... Tasty strip steaks sewn together to produce comfortable suits, suitable for a range of activities from sports to office wear to formal wear. / / Stylish, yet affordable. I can see it now... no more need for laundry. and an increase of incidents of nudity at barbeques. http://www.goats.com/archive/970902.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 03 / 1997: supercolliders, neutrinos and eggplants | I've developed a way to create infinite amounts of beer. All we need is a supercollider, a handful of neutrinos and an eggplant. / That's it. I've had enough. / / For weeks now I've had to put up with your stupid eggplant jokes. Well, I'm not going to sit here and be treated like a second-class citizen. I am not an animal! / / I'll get the neutrinos, you get the parmesan. / I think we have breadcrumbs in the kitchen. / Hey! http://www.goats.com/archive/970903.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 04 / 1997: starting a band | I'm going to start a rock band. Chicks dig rock stars. / You can't start a band. / / Why not? / Well, for one thing, goats can't play instruments. You have no hands. / / So? Bon Jovi has no talent. And look at them. You think the Spice Girls play their own instruments? / The Spice Girls play music? http://www.goats.com/archive/970904.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 05 / 1997: man in the iron mask (1) | You're so smooth with the ladies, Toothgnip. What's your secret? / I told them I was starting a rock band. / / He's so dedicated to his art... and his horns are dreamy. / He's angst ridden and gruff, but in a cute way. / / So all I have to do is tell wome I'm in a band? / That implies that women will talk to you. http://www.goats.com/archive/970905.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 07 / 1997: man in the iron mask (2) | Women won't talk to me. / I know. That's because you're hideously ugly. / / However, I've fashioned this Iron Mask for you to wear which will shield women from your disfigured visage. / / So now they'll talk to me? / No. You're a dork. But it's funny to watch you pick up women in an Iron mask. http://www.goats.com/archive/970907.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 08 / 1997: man in the iron mask (3) | My friends told me that if I wore this mask that women would talk to me. / They lied. You're a dork and you smell of rancid eggs. / / You know, I thought that if I wore this mask, I might meet someone who would look past the physical, and see me for the caring, sensitive person that I am. I know now that this will not come to pass. / / From now on, I face life openly and honestly. / My lord. For the love of god, put the mask back on. http://www.goats.com/archive/970908.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 09 / 1997: man in the iron mask (4) | A shame that Jon is missing out on all this tasty beverage. / He's not coming. He went to Connecticut to visit his friend Rich. / / Jon left the city? He'll never survive out there. / He'll be fine. It's not like you need wilderness training for the suburbs. / / Ooh! What's that? And that other thing? / Those are trees. And the bright fiery thing is the sun. http://www.goats.com/archive/970909.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 10 / 1997: man in the iron mask (5) | So what's the plan for tonight? / My friend 'Smooth' Howie G. is having a party. / / It's going to be huge... Smooth Howie said there's gonna be hundreds of single women. Maybe they'll even talk to you. / / No! No! I have no more self-respect left! / Calm Down. I have an iron mask you can borrow. http://www.goats.com/archive/970910.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 11 / 1997: man in the iron mask (6) | No. No more. / Hey, calm down. The party's gonna be a blast. / His nerves are shot. / / I'm telling you, all you need to make it easier to talk to the ladies is a little "liquid courage". Smooth Howie G. is gonna have three kegs of Busch Draft Lite. MM-MMM! / / I have a sense of impending doom. / It's okay... No women will probably talk to you anyway. / Busch! Busch! Busch! http://www.goats.com/archive/970911.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 13 / 1997: man in the iron mask (7) | Welcome home, Jon... How was your weekend in Connecticut? / Hee hee. / / I... I met a girl. Hee hee. She talked to me. / / What's wrong with him? is he posessed? / Nah. Probably a venereal disease. / The kind that turns you into a babbling idiot. / Yeah. http://www.goats.com/archive/970913.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 15 / 1997: man in the iron mask (8) | She actually talked to you? / For almost fifteen minutes, can you believe it? / / We have so much in common. She likes food... I like food. She has hair... I have hair. It's like we were made for each other. / / So, the Iron Mask actually worked. / No, I wasn't wearing the mask. It was dark. http://www.goats.com/archive/970915.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 16 / 1997: man in the iron mask (9) | Cheryl? Hi... It's Jon. The one from the party... No, the one without the monkey. Listen, I was just calling to see if you'd like to have dinner sometime. / / Hmm. / / Exactly how much shampoo do you use in a week? http://www.goats.com/archive/970916.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 17 / 1997: man in the iron mask (10) | She said yes? / Jon actually called this girl. On the phone. They're having dinner this weekend. / / This is terrible news. Jon's constant misery is a great source of entertainment for me. I can make him cry in under five minutes these days. If he starts seeing someone, he might be happy. / / The date must be stopped... but how? / Ooh! Ooh! Ritual sacrifice! http://www.goats.com/archive/970917.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 18 / 1997: man in the iron mask (11) | I've come up with a plan of how we can ruin Jon's date and keep him depressed and easy to torment. / / When his date gets here, we all surround her. Then, we all rub up and down against her until she builds up a strong static charge. / / Then, I'll stick her to the ceiling like a balloon! / Women tend to shy away from you don't they? http://www.goats.com/archive/970918.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 20 / 1997: man in the iron mask (12) | Hey, It's Jon... just calling to confirm our date for tonight. I'm good... You? What do I do for a living? I'm... uh... I'm... / / I'm a computer geek... oh really? You find that arousing? Well... You know, I also play the accordion. / / She's moaning. / In horror, I assume. http://www.goats.com/archive/970920.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 21 / 1997: man in the iron mask (13) | Aren't you supposed to be out on your big date tonight? / She cancelled. / / Something about an emergency business trip... but she promised to call when she gets back. She'll call. / / Sure. Sure she will. / Oh, beer. You'll never go on a business trip, will you? http://www.goats.com/archive/970921.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 22 / 1997: diablo's cookies (1) | Ooh! Cookies! / Yes, please have one. They're each shaped like a different 20th century president. / / I baked them myself. Soon, they will be sold in stores across the country. Children will eat them, and I will gain their trust and allegiance. Soon after, they will join my satanic cult. / / Mmm... look! I bit the head off Gerald Ford. / Make that "children and the feeble-minded." http://www.goats.com/archive/970922.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 23 / 1997: diablo's cookies (2) | Hi, jon. Have a cookie. I made them myself. / / Ooh! It looks like Millard Fillmore. / / Mmm... what a strange aftertaste. What's in these? / Mrs. Truman's first-grade class. http://www.goats.com/archive/970923.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 24 / 1997: diablo's cookies (3) | Diablo, This time you've gone a bit too far. / / I mean, yeah, sure, the whole satanic cult thing is cute, we all get a kick out of it, but you brutally slaughtered an entire class of first-grade children and baked them into tasty, yet morally ambiguous cookies. / / Why did you do it, Diablo? Why? / Well, I was going to use a troop of Girl Scouts, but I thought, 'nah, too cliched.' http://www.goats.com/archive/970924.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 25 / 1997: diablo's cookies (4) | Pardon me, sir, but we've had reports that someone at this address slaughtered a class of first-grade children and made them into cookies. / / You must mean Jon. He's the dorky-looking one over there, huddled in the corner. / / Could you ask him to come out here? I'd hate to get blood on your carpet. / Hold on, let me get my camcorder. http://www.goats.com/archive/970925.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 27 / 1997: diablo's cookies (5) | Uh... Hello? / Phillip? It's Jon.... I'm in jail. I've been wrongfully imprisoned. / / They think that I slaughtered some first-graders and made them into cookies. / / Ooh! Cookies! Do you have any left? / BAIL! I NEED BAIL!! / Got milk? http://www.goats.com/archive/970927.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 28 / 1997: diablo's cookies (6) | Did you bring the bail money? / Uh... Yeah. Hold on. / / Here it is. Sixty-three cents. Ooh! And my lucky bottlecap. / / Bail is set at $50,000. / I stopped at the bar on the way here. http://www.goats.com/archive/970928.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 29 / 1997: diablo's cookies (7) | In other news, alleged mass-murderer Jon Rosenberg goes to trial in two days. / / Rosenberg has been accused of brutally slaughtering a class of first grade children and their mascot, Fluffy the Hamster. He baked their remains into tasty, yet morally ambiguous cookies. Tonight, we talk to an aquaintance of this fiend, this "Marv Albert of Pastries". / / Thank you for appearing, sir. We have but one question: Why did he do it? / Satanic internet cults. http://www.goats.com/archive/970929.html |
| Goats comic strip from September / 30 / 1997: diablo's cookies (8) | This is a perfect example of just how dangerous these satanic internet cults can be. First, kids are sending e-mail to lucifer, and before you know it, they're heating up trays of six-year olds at 450 for 15 minutes. / / And then these cult leaders avoid responsibility by hiding behind the veil of the First Amendment. I mean, look at this 'Pope' guy. He must be stopped. Unfettered speech and independent thought will be the downfall of traditional, non-electronic cults unless measures are taken now. / / So, you're in favor of government censorship? / Hell, no. That's my job. http://www.goats.com/archive/970930.html |
| Goats comic strip from October / 01 / 1997: diablo's cookies (9) | Jon, I got you a lawyer for the trial... His name is Frank Coffee. / / He says he's never lost a case. / Well, maybe a few. But female jurors love my hair. / / He even has a real law degree / Sally Struthers gives a great criminology lecture. / Doomed. I'm doomed. http://www.goats.com/archive/971001.html |
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