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| Goats comic strip from July / 09 / 1998: real geeks don't (3) | Robert "Buttstench" McLeod, lawyer for United Features Syndicate, writes: "I'm going to personally shove hot pokers through your eyeballs if you don't immediately cease + desist your Dilbert-bashing." Whatever.
/ Real Geeks Don't... / / Real Geeks don't have their fans write their material... / Scott, make the boss's hair pointier. / Okay. / / Real Geeks insult and humiliate their fans. / You're all illiterate, shallow, half-assed wannabes. / And you all suck, too. http://www.goats.com/archive/980709.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 10 / 1998: real geeks don't (4) | Having lost all my posessions to the soulless lawyers from United Features Syndicate (including my extensive sock collection), I'm somewhat sad today. Thus, there will be no humor in today's episode of:
/ Real Geeks Don't... / / Real Geeks don't get rejected by women... / Love me. / Never. / / Well, actually...yes they do. / Oh, c'mon...just this once... / Unhand me, geek. http://www.goats.com/archive/980710.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 12 / 1998: phoenix reborn (1) | Hi Toothgnip. / Hi Diablo. Didn't I kill you? / / I am the phoenix, reborn. / No you're not. You're a chicken who sewed his own head back on. / / Do you have any idea how hard that is? / No, but perhaps we could arrange a demonstration. http://www.goats.com/archive/980712.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 13 / 1998: phoenix reborn (2) | What are we watching? / The World's Strongest Man Competition. / / Is that man pulling a firetruck? / Yup. / / It's good to see they're testing for skills applicable to the real world. / Later on, he gets to carry beer kegs. http://www.goats.com/archive/980713.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 14 / 1998: phoenix reborn (3) | Hi, is Jon there? / This is Jon. / / Jon, this is Cindy...remember me from the bar Saturday night? Are we still on for dinner tonight? / Oh, Cindy...I was involved in a tragic blimp accident. Lost all my limbs. / / So I assume the full-body message is off as well. / Depends. Do you enjoy being rubbed with bloody stumps? http://www.goats.com/archive/980714.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 15 / 1998: phoenix reborn (4) | Who was that on the phone? / Oh, that was your date for tonight. She cancelled after I mentioned that you had no limbs. / / Diablo, you can't keep scaring off all my dates like that. / You do that just fine on your own, Jon. Have you looked in a mirror lately? / / Oh yeah, Fabio? The only modelling you'll be doing is for the colonel. / Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. http://www.goats.com/archive/980715.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 16 / 1998: mr. pet dog | You know, when I was twelve, my parents bought me a dog. His name was Mr. Pet Dog. Mr. Pet Dog and I played together every day. / / I remember one cool summer evening. Mr. Pet Dog and I were prancing through Farmer Woslowski's wheat fields, the moon above us pregnant with light. As we lay together in the tall wheat, I could feel his hot, milkbone-laden breath on me. / / It was a magical evening, full of hope...Hey, do you have any idea how much dogs love peanut butter? / Agh. Help. http://www.goats.com/archive/980716.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 17 / 1998: eggplant angst (1) | You have no appreciation for what you have in your hand there. Do you, mammal-boy? Innocent barley and malt died for your quaffing pleasure. Yes, we may be plants... / / But, if you prick us, do we not bleed? If you fry us in breadcrumbs, do we not issue forth a foul stench? / / Dammit, they've been serving me turpentine again, haven't they? / My point is still valid, you vegetable Nazi. http://www.goats.com/archive/980717.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 19 / 1998: eggplant angst (2) | I mean, look around you Jay...The atrocities being committed. The horrors that go on unchecked in the name of "food." It's a veritable vegetable holocaust. / / You know, eggplants aren't really vegetables. They're fruit. Technically, a type of berry. / I'm a berry? / / Yup. / Well. To hell with vegetables, then. http://www.goats.com/archive/980719.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 20 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (1) | Toothgnip's Dating Tips
/ Takin' It Easy
/ Tip #216 / / In any burgeoning relationship, it's important to remember to take things slow. Emotional intimacy and bonding take time to develop...don't force it. / / Well, it's been fun, but I really should be going. / When can I see you again? In an hour? I'm free in an hour. http://www.goats.com/archive/980720.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 21 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (2) | How was your date? / Wonderful. It couldn't have gone better. / / You know, it probably couldn't have gone better...I'm seeing her again this weekend. There's no way I can live up to this evening. Maybe I'll cancel. / / An incredible transformation. From human to spineless amoeba-weenie in just under 15 seconds. / Doomed. I'm doomed. http://www.goats.com/archive/980721.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 22 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (3) | So what does Mrs. Mystery Date do for a living? / She's an author. / / The third in a series of nine. She's so...verbose. / "Women Are from Venus, Men Are from the Bowels of Hell." / / "Chapter 1: The Fine Art of Emasculation." / Ooh...I'm gonna need another bookshelf. http://www.goats.com/archive/980722.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 23 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (4) | She hasn't returned your phone call yet, has she? / Shh. / / Ring. / Hello? Carol?? Is that you?? Hello! / / Gah. / Now that is entertainment. / Pavlov would be proud. http://www.goats.com/archive/980723.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 26 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (5) | She hasn't called back yet, Phillip. / Look! I hooked up my old Macintosh and my La-Z-Boy to a John Deere chassis. It's completely autonomous. / / I've left 3 messages in 5 days, and she hasn't responded to any of them. / The La-Z-Boy 2000 even has a built-in toilet. / / Please, Phillip. Listen to me. I'm in pain. / The La-Z-Boy 2000 alleviates all forms of pain. http://www.goats.com/archive/980726.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 27 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (6) | Uhh...hi, Carol. I know this is the seventh message I've left for you, but I haven't heard from you for a week now. So, I thought I'd give you a few reasons to call me back. First, I have 50% fewer parasites than other boys you've dated. / / Second, my extensive collection of Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videos can provide thousands of hours of entertainment. Third, I own my own stapler, which is a sign of virility in today's work-a-day society. Anyway, if any of this sounds enticing, call me back. / / Witty, charming and endearing? / Scary and unstable. http://www.goats.com/archive/980727.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 28 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (7) | The girl I'm seeing hasn't returned my phone calls for a week. / Shocker. / / Why would someone not return my phone calls? / I don't want to talk about your problems anymore. Let's talk about my problems. / / Maybe she's just really busy. Maybe she...um...lost her phone. / Take a hint, Jon. http://www.goats.com/archive/980728.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 29 / 1998: jon is pathetic, part XXIII (8) | Hello? / Oh, hi, Carol? It's Jon...Listen, do you want to go to dinner or something? / / Jon, I don't think we should see each other anymore. We just don't communicate well. / Do you think that might have something to do with the fact that you never return my phone calls? / / Don't push it, Jon. You don't really want the truth, do you? / No, I suppose not. http://www.goats.com/archive/980729.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 30 / 1998: rock the 80's (1) | Lemon's stuck. / Maybe if you whip the glass around, it'll come out. / / If the lemon seems all glued, I must whip it? / For a beer without the food, you must whip it. / / To taste the ale as brewed, you must whip it! / A sans-citrus attitude...you must whip it. / Whip it good! http://www.goats.com/archive/980730.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 31 / 1998: rock the 80's (2) | ...So, by analyzing the chaotic patterns of the stock market, I can find a special 216-digit number, which when translated into Hebrew, will reveal the name of god. / / Like in that movie "Pi." / Shh. Here it comes...8...6...7...5...3...0...9. / / 867-5309? / Apparently, God is co-habitating with Jenny. http://www.goats.com/archive/980731.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 02 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (1) | Y'know, going to a club wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. We could meet some women. / Yah. Whatever. / / You just have to have the right attitude...the kind that says, "I'm an experienced man." / A handful of Jergen's doesn't count as experience. / / Look, it's either this, or back to the pet store for more gerbils. / I have five dollars. http://www.goats.com/archive/980802.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 03 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (2) | Am I the man, or what? / You're going clubbing in that outfit? / / Oh yeah. No one will be able to resist me. / Looks like you've already got a fan...look who's making eyes at you. / / Tommy? The owner of the bar? / Hey, don't knock it. For an old Chinese man, he sure has a nice ass. http://www.goats.com/archive/980803.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 04 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (3) | I don't know, Bobby... / Aw, c'mon, baby, we're gonna go out to a club...a little dancing, okay? / / But my girlfriends are all here... / You will come to the club or you will incur my wrath. / / Stop it, Bobby. You're scaring me. / Don't worry, baby, my wrath can be pretty groovy. http://www.goats.com/archive/980804.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 05 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (4) | Neil, baby, you are one swingin' cat. / I look ridiculous. Polyester gives me a rash. / / Neil, this is Muffy. She and her friends are coming out to the club with us. / Female friends? / / Oh yeah. Think "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride", but with fewer warts. / Woohoo! I'm going to Disneyland! http://www.goats.com/archive/980805.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 06 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (5) | Sorry, folks, this club has a strict "no aliens" policy. / / BRAAAP!! / / You probably could have just shown him your green card. / Crispy fries. http://www.goats.com/archive/980806.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 07 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (6) | ...So, I hear Dow-Corning issued a recall on those. / Ahem. / / Excuse me, but we tend to frown on people incinerating bouncers in our fine city. You'll have to come with me. / / Naturally, I'll be needing lots and lots of consolation after experiencing such brutal treatment at the hands of the police. / I...I just wanted to do "The Hustle"... http://www.goats.com/archive/980807.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 09 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (7) | Guys, Bob's been arrested for murder. We have to go bail him out of jail. / / Not now, Neil. We have bigger fish to fry. / If we don't get him out of there, you'll be able to pass a locomotive through his colon. / / We just got a letter from the Comics Board. We're cancelled. / Aw, hell. I'll mail him a tube of K-Y. http://www.goats.com/archive/980809.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 10 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (8) | We got this letter from the Comics Board this morning. Apparently, they feel 'Goats' isn't topical enough. We have two weeks to get current, or we're cancelled. / / They've suggested that we adopt the 'Guest Star' format. / Ooh! Maybe I could duct-tape Kirk Cameron to the ceiling. / / They said 'topical', Diablo, not 'retarded'. / Ah. So I could staple Kirk Cameron to the ceiling. http://www.goats.com/archive/980810.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 11 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (9) | So, who are these Comics Board people, anyway? / Oh, just the most villainous scum in the universe. / / The Comics Board is a shadow organization that rules the comics underworld through intimidation and brute force. Rumor has it that they have powerful gelatin-based weaponry, brought back in time from a world where Jell-O has become the sole form of sustenance. / / Really? / Scout's honor. http://www.goats.com/archive/980811.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 12 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (10) | If we don't get a good guest star, the Comics Board is gonna cancel us. / No problem. Diablo got John Travolta for this week. / / No kidding? John Travolta agreed to do the strip? / Well, define "agreed." / / Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? / Mmph. http://www.goats.com/archive/980812.html |
| Goats comic strip from August / 13 / 1998: alien pimps and the comics syndicate (11) | All right, Travolta, if L. Ron Hubbard is dead, how does he keep putting out new books? / Mmph? / / Zzap / Wrong answer. / / Silly, silly Scientologists. There's nothing worse than an ignorant cult member. http://www.goats.com/archive/980813.html |
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