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| Goats comic strip from December / 13 / 1998: cheese of evil (15) | And then, after I close all the breweries, everyone will be forced to drink wine coolers! / You know, cheese really stinks when it goes bad. / / Despite all your evil scheming, Cheese, you've forgotten one thing... Goats are the natural enemy of all dairy products. / / That's not true. / Well, technically it's not true, but we'll assume it is for the purposes of this conversation. http://www.goats.com/archive/981213.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 14 / 1998: cheese of evil (16) | ...so once Frank Coffee had distracted your lawyers, it was a cinch to sneak in here. / But I still have your friends captive. Your plan was for naught. / / So you think. But I'm here to challenge you to a fight... a battle in the ancient art of araygun. / What's araygun? / / BRAAP / This is. / Crispy fries. http://www.goats.com/archive/981214.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 15 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (1) | Face it... his brain is toast. / It's just the shock of seeing the bar like this. He'll be fine. / / ...and it'll be just like it used to be. We'll have huge glasses of Heifeweizen. You've got your sheepskins on. And the boots I made for you. / / You'd do it if you really cared about him. / Look. You want to euthanize him, you administer the injection. http://www.goats.com/archive/981215.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 16 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (2) | I made you a holiday card 'cause your bar blew up and now you're unemployed. / That's very sweet of you. / / a small child will be sacrificed in your name on the winter solstice.
/ happy holidays!
/ love, diablo / / Thank you, Diablo. It's just what I wanted. / I made it all by myself. http://www.goats.com/archive/981216.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 17 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (3) | I just got off the phone with Lynda. She says it'll be about two months until they rebuild the pub. / / Well, I think it's important to remember, especially at this time of year, that we don't need physical things like beer or pubs. We have each other, and that's enough for me. / / Prozac. Need Prozac. / Oh, c'mon. I was kidding. / Kill me. http://www.goats.com/archive/981217.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 20 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (4) | Prozac? Grape-flavored. Chewable. Mmm. / Nuh-uh. That stuff's not for me. / / Makes me nervous that it might... well... you remember that episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk is split into Evil Kirk and Good Kirk, and Good Kirk loses the ability to command the Enterprise effectively? / / Yeah. / Man, that was a good episode. http://www.goats.com/archive/981220.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 21 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (5) | Well, if the pub isn't going to be open for the next few months, we'll have to find a new bar. / Blasphemer. / / It wouldn't kill you to try something new, y'know. / How come we always do what you want? What about my ideas? / / You can't induce suspended animation with frozen margaritas. / You and your "facts" and your "physics". Pah, I say. http://www.goats.com/archive/981221.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 22 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (6) | We're all going. So stop complaining. / But the Amish give me hives. / Why do I have to go? / / Because the Amish country is rustic, and relaxing, and we need something to do while the bar is closed. / And we can make lots of cheap jokes at the expense of a group that can never find out about it. / / I'd like to think we're above that sort of behavior. / And I'd like to stay home, but that also seems unlikely. / I bet Amish chicks are easy. http://www.goats.com/archive/981222.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 23 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (7) | Jon, Toothgnip keeps trying to touch my special area. Make the bad man stop. / Like I would go near anything that smelled as much as decapitated hamsters as you do. / / Can we put the top down? It's freezing.
/ / It's disgusting, Jon. He's growing tumescent as we speak. / At least I'm not humping the back of the seat. / It's a chicken thing. You wouldn't understand. / / Amish Country
/ 346 mi. / Well, this trip is rapidly becoming a non-stop crap-o-rama. / Are we there yet, Jon? / Yes. Get out. http://www.goats.com/archive/981223.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 24 / 1998: we're off to see the amish (8) | Toast? / Oh yeah. The spark plugs have been partially eaten, and there are beak-marks everywhere. / / We're in the middle of nowhere. What should we do? / Just wait, I guess. It could be more than a week until we're rescued. / / Say, on January 4? / Sounds about right. http://www.goats.com/archive/981224.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 03 / 1999: we're off to see the amish (9) | More upholstery? / Nah. I'm busy. / / Another new invention? / Behold, the compact steakhouse! It's the first steakhouse you can keep in your pocket. / / How much paste did you eat in kindergarten, Phillip? / Milk may build strong bones, but adhesives are cement for the mind, Jon. http://www.goats.com/archive/990103.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 04 / 1999: we're off to see the amish (10) | Do you have a flat, gray pebble? / Go fish. / / Hey, guys! I see one of those Amish horsedrawn buggies coming down the road. We're saved! / / Show a little leg, Jon. Maybe they'll pick us up. / Yeah. Go get 'em, tiger. / I have been working on firming up my calves. / This is going to cause weeks of nightmares. http://www.goats.com/archive/990104.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 05 / 1999: we're off to see the amish (11) | Twas kind of you to pick up those boys at the side of the road, Ezekiel. / Ayuh. / / They seem like decent folk. / Ayuh. / / And if the injection takes hold quickly, we can grab their wallets. / Do they even use money? / I think they trade in pickles or eggs or something. http://www.goats.com/archive/990105.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 06 / 1999: we're off to see the amish (12) | You'll be sleepin' out in the barn. You kin take the blankets from off the horses. / Thank you, Ezekiel. You've been a great help. / / 'Tweren't nothing. I'll be waking you at dawn, so get some rest. We'll be havin' your livestock for breakfast. / Um. / Ssh. Just go with it. / / Bed of lettuce, my ass. Some hotel this is. How the hell do you turn on the "Magic Fingers"? / Hey baby. http://www.goats.com/archive/990106.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 07 / 1999: we're off to see the amish (13) | And what is this evil device? / It's a Walkman. / / It emits a strange sound. / That's Billy Idol. "Cradle of Love" is the anthem of my generation. / / And what does this button do? Summon Satan? / Sadly, no. http://www.goats.com/archive/990107.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 10 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (1) | Thanks for letting us stay here, Ezekiel. / My pleasure... Must be good to get away from all that city-stress, what with your ex-girlfriend getting engaged. / / What?! Huh? / Oh... I thought you knew. Celia, your college sweetie, is getting married. / / Why am I always the last one to hear about this sort of thing? / I heard from Zachariah's wife, down the way. http://www.goats.com/archive/990110.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 11 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (2) | Celia and I were together for years... she guided me into manhood, much like a proctologist might guide an endoscope through a polyp-ridden duodenum. And now, she's marrying some... some troglodyte. / / Damn. / Ayuh... 'tis a shame. She could be quite a wild mistress in the bedroom. / / What? / Nothing. http://www.goats.com/archive/990111.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 12 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (3) | I have to stop her. I have to get to Boston. / Jon, you haven't talked to Celia in years. Get on with your life. / / Phillip, she's getting married. She can't! She said she'd be with me always. / Except for all that time since you graduated college, of course. / / We're on a break. / A four-year break. http://www.goats.com/archive/990112.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 13 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (4) | But I do want Celia back. Really I do. / Jon, you do remember why you're not with her anymore, right? / / She kissed another boy. / The horror! / And do you remember what happened then? / / I tried to kill Daisy Fuentes, Downtown Julie Brown, and Kennedy. / So it's safe to assume that your responses to stressful situations like these aren't entirely rational, yes? http://www.goats.com/archive/990113.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 14 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (5) | Fine, already. I won't go to Boston. I won't try and stop my ex-girlfriend from getting married. / Good. / Good. / Good. / / I'm just going to stay here and... uh... go over by the door... so I... uh... I can watch out for monkeys. Attack monkeys. That might attack us. If I'm not by the door. / / Snare traps? / Set up all along the perimiter. / Set up all along the perimeter. / Release the hounds. http://www.goats.com/archive/990114.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 18 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (6) | Hey, little girl... slow down. I need some help. / Mommy told me not to talk to strangers. / / You don't have to talk to me. You just have to let me commandeer your Big Wheels. Okay? / / Mommy told me not to cross the street. / To hell with mommy. To the train station! GO! GO! GO! http://www.goats.com/archive/990118.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 19 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (7) | Stalking or no stalking? / Stalking, please. / Can I go to Boston too? / / Don't you have to go to school or something? / I... um... I'm not going 'cause mommy told me to go look at business schools. In Boston. They have those in Boston, right? / / How old are you? / Don't make me go back there. If I have to watch "Teletubbies" one more time, I'll have an embolism. http://www.goats.com/archive/990119.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 20 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (8) | ...so I'm going to Boston to keep Celia from marrying a troglodyte. / Even though you haven't dated her for four years? / / Well, um, that's technically accurate. / It seems to me that you focus on your "safe", failed relationship in an effort to avoid redirecting your energy towards establishing a potentially risky, new one. / / All right, little girl, any more psychoanalysis from you and the bear dies. / No! Don't hurt Teddy! http://www.goats.com/archive/990120.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 21 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (9) | It's pretty obvious, Jon. You're purposely sabotaging your relationships because you're afraid they won't measure up to what you had with Celia, the archetype of all your future relationships. / No, I'm not. / / Yes you are. / I said, No I'm not. / / Vehemently denying it doesn't make it any less true. / Yes it does. http://www.goats.com/archive/990121.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 24 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (10) | Hi. Celia. Hi. / Jonny? / / Hi. / Jonny, what are you doing in Boston? For that matter, what are you doing here? / / Um... hi. / Ah... there's the eloquence that swept me off my feet all those years ago. http://www.goats.com/archive/990124.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 25 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (11) | So, uh... what's new? How's medical school? Get engaged lately? / Jonny, who's this adorable little girl? / / Oh, her? This is Emily. She's... uh... I'm babysitting. For Emily. / He kidnapped me and made me come to Boston. / / God, I love kids. / And then he tried to kill my teddy bear. / I take it you've stopped your therapy, Jonny. http://www.goats.com/archive/990125.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 26 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (12) | Celia... I... I'm here to tell you that you can't get married. / Oh? And why not? / / You know... because of that reason. The one that escapes me at the moment. / This is endearing, Jonny, but the timing is awful. / / You can't get married... because Emily is our child! / I am? / I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that. http://www.goats.com/archive/990126.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 27 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (13) | Please, Celia, don't get married. / This isn't the sort of thing you can fix with good manners, Jonny. I'm marrying him because I love him. / / Pretty please? / No, Jonny. No. I'm serious... you're making me uncomfortable. / / How about 'pretty please' and $4.35... $4.40 in change? / Most of that is pocket lint, Jonny. http://www.goats.com/archive/990127.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 28 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (14) | ...and the Surgeon General is always saying how marriage is bad for you. / My fiance is on his way home, Jonny. You should probably be leaving. / / Don't marry him, Celia. I... I still love you. / He's coming home from kickboxing lessons. / / Well, look at the time. / It was great to see you again, Jonny. http://www.goats.com/archive/990128.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 31 / 1999: stalking the wild ex (15) | ...so she begged me to get back together with her, but I had to say no. / Uh-huh. / / Well, you've done wonders with the bar while I was gone. / The construction crews finished last week. / / What's with the human skulls over the restrooms? / Interior decoration by Diablo. http://www.goats.com/archive/990131.html |
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