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| GPF Archive: Tuesday, December 21, 2004 | [[Sharon walks with Fooker, explaining the situation]]
/ Sharon: Ever since Trent set up that open Wi-Fi hotspot last year, those three have been riding my case.
/ Fooker: They're not worth it, red. / [[Sharon is hit from behind by a snowball]]
/ Fooker: They're three bullied nerds who grew up and want a chance to bully someone else. Ignore them and they will get bored and go away.
/ http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041221.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, December 22, 2004 | [[Sharon is hit by a snowball]]
/ Fluel (off-panel): Don't let spyware FREEZE your systems, "Smurphy!"
/ Sharon: THAT'S IT! / Sharon (gathering snow): I'm gonna let those three eat their own ice puns!
/ Fooker: Sharon, we're practically inside. Let them go and we'll get some coffee to warm up. / Sharon: I am NOT going to take their insults!
/ Fooker: Calm down, my little Macophile! If you lose your temper, they've already won. / [[A snowball hits Fooker on the head]]
/ Fooker: Then again, there IS something to be said for standing up for your principles. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041222.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, December 23, 2004 | [[Sharon and Fooker are outside the GPF building with the other sysadmins]]
/ Fooker: C'mon, Sharon. We've had enough of this.
/ Sharon: I am not backing down, Fooker!
/ Fleuel: Fooker?! / Fleuel: You're not the Fooker? The legend Fooker, from all the sys admin news groups and mailing lists?
/ Patel: The Fooker who went to jail for murder?! / Sato: No, wait. That was a robot that went around shooting people.
/ Fleuel: Oh, yeah. I guess this guy isn't much to talk about anyway. / Fleuel: I mean, if he was on the run all that time, I'd bet his skills are way out of date. He's probably still on the Linux 2.4 kernel.... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041223.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, December 24, 2004 | [[Fooker, Sharon, and the other sys admins are outside the GPF building]]
/ Fooker: What kernel I run is none of your concern.
/ Fleuel: Well, if that's not an admission, I don't know what is. / Sato: Ooh! Ooh! I'll bet he doesn't run Linux, or even Unix, at all! He looks like an XP Home newbie to me...
/ Fleuel: Nah. Windows ME. Or maybe Microsoft Bob... / [[Fleuel is hit in the face by a snowball]]
/ < http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041224.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, December 25, 2004 | [[Sharon and Fooker are in a snowball fight with the other sys admins]]
/ Fooker: Get behind that hedge! I'll cover for you! / Sharon: I'd expect you to have pretty good aim, but I didn't expect it with snowballs.
/ Fooker: Eh. I was starting pitcher on the UGA softball team. We always creamed the Area 51 team. / Sharon: Well, now what? We don't have a clear run at the door anymore.
/ Fooker: Strategy, my sweet. They outnumber us, but we have the superior firepower. / Sharon: Why do I have the sudden urge to hum the James Bond theme?
/ Fooker: You lay down some cover fire, while I initiate covert operation "ice wedgie"... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041225.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, December 26, 2004 | [[Sharon throws a snowball as another whizzes by her. Fooker sneaks off to the side]] / [[Fooker darts near a window]] / [[Fooker crawls beneath the front of a coffee shop, as a patron looks down at him]] / [[Fooker approaches Fleuel, Patel, and Sato from behind / [[Fooker grins and readies a snowball. Fleuel and Sato are suspicious]]
/ Fooker thinks: Sam Fisher, eat your heart out...
/ Sato: Can you see them?
/ Fleuel: I think she's the only one throwing. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041226.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, December 27, 2004 | [[A snowball splashes down near Patel, who is shocked]] / [[Patel dives and cups his hands around the snowball]]
/ Patel: Make haste, my friends! I'll throw myself upon it! My sacrifice will give you time to escape! / [[A snowball descends from above as Patel curls up. Sato looks to Fleuel]] / [[Sato and Fleuel look at Patel]]
/ Sato: You didn't get a lock of snow back in Bombay, did you, Patel?
/ Patel: Tell my children I love them! http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041227.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, December 28, 2004 | [[Sato grabs Patel by the front of his shirt]]
/ Sato: Get up, man! It's a snowball, not a hand grenade!
/ Patel: Ice expands! Could it not do so forcibly! / [[Patel and Sato are struck in the faces by snowballs]]
/ http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041228.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 | [[Fooker throws a snowball past Fleuel]] / [[Fleuel strikes Fooker in the face with a snowball, knocking his glasses off. Sharon watches him from her original position]] / [[Sharon reaches Fooker, who has snow on his face, as Fleuel runs off]]
/ Sharon: Fooker! Are you okay?
/ Fooker: Sharon, my love... you must... carry on without me.... everything grows cold... and dark... / [[Sharon adopts a cyncial expression]]
/ Sharon: You're fine.
/ Fooker: I would have liked... to have seen... Montana... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041229.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, December 30, 2004 | [[Sharon stands over a fallen Fooker and has two snowballs in her hands]]
/ Sharon: All right, Fleuel! It's just between you and me! I _know_ who the ringleader of your little clique is. / [[Fleuel stands with two more snowballs]]
/ Fleuel: Bring it on, "SMurphy" / [[Fleuel throws a snowball, falling short of Sharon]] / [[Sharon throws a snowball. Fleuel barely dodges it and looks surprised]] http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041230.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, December 31, 2004 | [[Fleuel just misses Sharon with a snowball; both are standing under a snow-covered awning]] / [[Sharon strikes Fleuel in the chest with her snowball]]
/ Sharon: HA!
/ http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20041231.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, January 1, 2005 | [[Patel starts to get up as Sato is slumped agaisnt the hedges. Fooker lies in the snow, and Sharon and Fleuel are both buried. Nick and Ki look out the meeting room's window as Trent, Dexter, and Dwayne are seated.]]
/ Nick: Well, it looks like the battle is finally over...
/ Ki: And in a draw, no less.
/ Trent [[into a recorder]]: Note to self: cancel snowball ambush of Murphy scheduled for Thursday.
/ Dwayne: If Sharon calls in sick with a cold tomorrow, I'm canceling her vacation request for next month
/ Whiteboard: Project due 3/21, PHP-Dex, PERL-Nick, Upgrade Servers 2/12 http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050101.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, January 2, 2005 | [[Nicole Duncan is in an elevator]]
/ < http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050102.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, January 3, 2005 | [[Nicole and Mercedes get off the elevator]]
/ Mercedes: Good morning, Mr. Sedgewikki.
/ Alan: Hello, Ms. de la Croix. / Nicole: Put your tongue back in your mouth, Alan. You're drooling worse than a St. Bernard.
/ Alan: Good morning to you too, Mrs. Duncan. / Nicole: Honestly, I don't see why men chase after black widows like her.
/ Alan: Honestly, it's a woman like that that makes a man wish he went into civil law. / Nicole: And you call yourself a district attorney...
/ Alan: You're still upset because I prosecuted your husband's employee, aren't you? http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050103.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, January 4, 2005 | [[Alan Sedgewikki and Nicole Duncan are in a cafeteria line. They are dressed professionally.]]
/ Alan: Rumor around the courthouse has you defending a big libel case soon.
/ Nicole: Unfortunately, it's all true. / Alan: And the part about the defendant being rather... unusual?
/ Nicole: You know I can't discuss details. Man, the cafeteria is full... / Alan: Well, it's about time Urbanski gave you a case on your own. You're a great lawyer, Nicole. Any word on who the plaintiff's counsel is?
/ Nicole: Is there any tabel open? / [[Mercedes de la Croix waves from a table.]]
/ Mercedes: Yoohoo! Nicole! You can sit with me!
/ Nicole: Crap.
/ Alan: Oh. Now I get it. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050104.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, January 5, 2005 | Alan Sedgewikki: You mean Mercedes de La Croix is your OPPONENT in that case?
/ Nicole Duncan: Yes! Now look for another table! Fast! / [[Nicole looks around for another table]]
/ Alan Sedgewikki: Man... I wouldn't want to be at the bench next to HER. I hear she's a real hellcat in the courtroom...
/ Nicole Duncan: You're NOT helping... / Alan Sedgewikki: I once heard she made Judge Oaliriff CRY. That man's never shed a tear in sixty years!
/ Nicole Duncan: Those two are getting up! No... they're just readjusting... / [[Alan and Nicole move to sit with Mercedes]]
/ Alan Sedgewikki: Thank you for sharing your table with us, Mercedes.
/ Mercedes de La Croix: Oh, my... you're eating THAT? Nicole, dear, we need to talk about calories... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050105.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, January 5, 2005 | Alan Sedgewikki: You mean Mercedes de La Croix is your OPPONENT in that case?
/ Nicole Duncan: Yes! Now look for another table! Fast! / [[Nicole looks around for another table]]
/ Alan Sedgewikki: Man... I wouldn't want to be at the bench next to HER. I hear she's a real hellcat in the courtroom...
/ Nicole Duncan: You're NOT helping... / Alan Sedgewikki: I once heard she made Judge Oaliriff CRY. That man's never shed a tear in sixty years!
/ Nicole Duncan: Those two are getting up! No... they're just readjusting... / [[Alan and Nicole move to sit with Mercedes]]
/ Alan Sedgewikki: Thank you for sharing your table with us, Mercedes.
/ Mercedes de La Croix: Oh, my... you're eating THAT? Nicole, dear, we need to talk about calories... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050105.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, January 6, 2005 | [[Nicole is hanging in her chair behind her desk, looking tired. A secretary comes in]]
/ Secretary: Nicole, I know you just got back, but there's a man here to see you.
/ Nicole: Show him in. / [[Fooker comes in, carrying a briefcase]]
/ Fooker: Hey, mrs. D. I brought a little green surpise for you...
/ Nicole: Come on in, Fooker. / [[Fred comes out of the briefcase]]
/ Fred: Nello Nicole. I got your call and had Fooker bring me by. Did you want to talk to me abou the case?
/ Nicole: Yes. / [[Nicole looks sad]]
/ Nicole: Fred, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I... want you to settle out of court. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050106.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, January 7, 2005 | Fred: _Settle_?! After all the stuff Trent has pulled? No way!
/ Mrs. Duncan: Fred, I'm sorry. But I think it's for the best. / Mrs. Duncan: I know you picked me because I was the only lawyer you knew and you could trust, and I'm honored that you think of me that way, but I don't think I'm the right person to represent you. / Mrs. Duncan: Mercedes de la Croix is ruthless and unforgiving. She will ride this case into the ground. _You_ need a lawyer just as heartless and callous as her if you want to stand a chance of escaping intact. / Mrs. Duncan: I... can't stand up to her. She's sharpened steel, and I'm... softened butter. With _me_ on your side, you can only count on losing. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050107.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, January 8, 2005 | Fred: What's with the sudden inferiority complex, Nicole? Did she make fun of you in front of everyone in the school cafeteria or something?
/ Nicole: Well... / Fred: You're right. I picked you because I knew you and trusted you. You're also the only chance I've got. Do you think anyone else in this law firm would even think of representing me?
/ [[Fred shrugs]] / Fred: I don't have any options. I only have you. But I'd pick you over any de la Croix any day. You understand me more than anyone outside of GPF could.
/ [[Nicole smiles at Fred]] / Fred: Much as I loathe using a sports metaphor, I'm up against the ropes, and I need my star goalie to score a touchdown in the bottom of the ninth.
/ Fooker: I don't get ESPN. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050108.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, January 9, 2005 | Nicole: Okay, okay...maybe I'm a sucker for hopeless causes. But I STILL feel like a chihuahua defending a mouse from a tiger.
/ Fred: You remind me more of a pomeranian... / Nicole: Sigh...But that STILL doesn't solidify our defense. We have to clearly establish that your statements in these forum logs are NOT libelous defamatory remarks.
/ [[Nicole holds up a stack of forum transcriptions]]
/ Fred: Sounds simple enough. / Nicole: [[Looking over the transcriptions]] First of all, some of this is obviously hyperbole. I think it's safe to say it's physically impossible for Trent to... um, do what you said here.
/ Fred: Well, his nose IS pretty long. / Nicole: Second, most of this can easily be dismissed as opinion. Criticism, be it fair or not, is NOT defamation.
/ Fred: [[Reading from transcriptions]] Huh. I thought it was a well known FACT he buys hair gel by the tanker truck... / Nicole: But there are several statements you express as facts, and since this was a public blog, you can't claim absolute or qualified privilege. Can you prove these facts are true?
/ [[Nicole holds up the transcriptions for Fred to see]]
/ Fred: Absolutely. / Nicole: "'Brent' is a homicidal maniac, whose bloodlust is as insatiable as the appetite of his ego"?
/ [[Fred waves protoplasmic fists]]
/ Fred: HE TRIED TO BLEACH ME! http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050109.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, January 10, 2005 | Mrs. Duncan: Fred, I think we can easily dismiss all of these claims, with the exception of the claim of attempted murder. Surely _that's_ what Mercedes will focus on. / Mrs. Duncan: No matter how it's worded, that's stated as _fact_, not an opinion. And unless you can prove that it's _true_...
/ Fred: If I "accidentally" put rat poison in my boss' coffee, aren't I still guilty? / Mrs. Duncan: Maybe if you're Lily Tomlin, and not if you can steal the "body" first...
/ Fred: Curse TBS! Now I've got Dolly Parton stuck in my head... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050110.html |
| GPF: Tuesday, January 11, 2005 | [[Nicole Duncans office, Nicole, Fred Physarum and Jason "Fooker" Barker is present]]
/ Nicole: Fred, I think you're missing my point. To prove this isn't libel, you have to prove the attempted murder claim is true.
/ Fred: No, I GOT that, and I SAID I can prove it. / Nicole: No, you're not. Murder is defined as the willful killing of a PERSON with malice aforethought.
/ Fred: EXACTLY. Trent knew PRECISELY that the bleach would kill me. / Nicole: Listen, Fred! It doesn't MATTER if Trent knew that or not. What the judge is going to ask is whether a SLIME MOLD, sentient or not, constitutes as a "person" by law! And what do you THINK he's going to say? / Fred: Oh. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050111.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 | Fred: So it all comes back to my old "slime mold rights" campaign, doesn't it?
/ Nicole: Not quire. We can use this to our advantage / Nicole: If you're not a "person," then you have no legal identity and thus Trent's lawsuit is pointless. You can't be sued, the case gets dropped, and--
/ Fred: Hold on a second! / Fred: You want me to give up my rights as a sentient being to end this on a technicality? And I suppose I should just happily give up my job, my bank account, my 401k, and all my other rights and possessions as well? / Nicole: Fred, our're blowing this out of propotion.
/ Fred: Then I suppose "separate but equal" wasn't "out of propotion" either. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050112.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, January 13, 2005 | Fooker: Ouch, Fred. Um, that was pretty low...
/ Mrs. Duncan: But he still made his point. / Mrs. Duncan: Okay. We have to prove you're a "person" with all the rights associated with that label. Luckily, Mercedes _must_ agree with that assessment, or the entire basis of Trent's lawsuit is moot. / Mrs. Duncan: But _please_ realize that this opens you up to a whole new level of scrutiny. No more hiding. No more sanctuary among friends. You and Persephone will be exposed to the world, and we won't be able to protect you. / Fred: You know, I've thought about that a lot, Nicole. And although Trent is the one flushing us out, we might as well come out boldly and steal away his thunder.
/ Fred: Let's do it. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050113.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, January 14, 2005 | [[Nicole Duncans office, Nicole, Fred and Fooker are present]]
/ Nicole: Then our plan is clear. We have two objectives: To prove a slime mold is legally a person, and to prove your murder claim is true. / Nicole: We'll need all the evidence you can find for the latter. The water gun, the bleach, eye witnesses...
/ Fred: I can get them all. Trent hasn't tried to hide anything. / Nicole: The former, though, will be difficult. We'll have to PROVE your sentience.
/ Fred: No problem. Ask my any reasonable question, and I'll answer. / Nicole: Won't work. We'll need EXPERT analysis. That's why I want you to go see Nick's uncle, prof. Wisebottom.
/ Fred: "Daniel, to prove your innocence, please step into the lion's den." http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050114.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, January 15, 2005 | Fred: I _refuse_ to let that crotchety old crackpot poke and prod me, even in the name of defending me from Trent!
/ Fooker: Aw, c'mon, Fred... / Fooker: You're gone to Nick's family's place for Christmas, what, twice now? And Wisebottom hasn't dissected you yet.
/ Fred: No, but he and Nick's mom delight in discussing it. / Fred: Look, I was in that lab for months, and the only reason I survived was because I clammed up. Wisebottom may not have been there, but I see that gleam in his eye every time.
/ Mrs. Duncan: Then without objective proof, Trent's already won. / Mrs. Duncan: It's either him, or some other biologist who has never seen a sentient slime mold before.
/ Fred: Sigh. I'll do it.
/ Fooker: Kewl. I haven't done my "wrinkly old guy" bit in years. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050115.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, January 16, 2005 | [[Jason "Fooker" Barker and Nicole Duncan enter Professor Otto Wisebottom's lab. It it trashed. Fooker is carrying a briefcase.]]
/ Otto: Ah, Mrs. Duncan! Jason! It is most pleasant to see you! Do come in, and please don't mind the mess. My partner's last experiment failed... quite violently, I'm afraid. / Fooker: I'm sorry. Where is your partner?
/ Otto: At his last known speed and trajectory, I'd say somewhere over Tibet right now. He should be fine so long as he doesn't enter Chinese airspace. / [[The briefcase opens. Fred the slime mold is inside.]]
/ Otto: Ah, and here's the man of the hour. How are you doing this evening, Fredrick?
/ Fred: Fine, as long as you keep your tools to yourself. / Otto: Not to worry, my dear colloidal friend! There will be no poking and prodding tonight! Only the meeting of minds on the theories of slime molds and the nature of intelligent life. / [[Fooker seems drawn to the strange machinery.]]
/ Otto: Step into the lounge and make yourself comfortable. I have pizza -- both fresh and moldy -- waiting. I'll be back after fetching my notes. / Otto: Touch anything and it's back into the Fractal Explorer for you.
/ Fooker: I'll be good. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050116.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, January 17, 2005 | [[Scene description. NOTE: this is a colored strip. Fooker, Nicole, and Fred are sitting in Professor Wisebottom's lab. ]]
/ Professor Wisebottom: Fortunately for you, Fred, your brief stay in our Springfield lab in 2002 produced enough data to eliminate the need for any biological testing.
/ Fred: Swell... / Professor Wisebottom: While biology is not my area of expertise, I found your results beyond fascinating. You are unlike any of the 650 or so species of myxogastrids and dictyostelids on record, which leads me to believe you are your own unique species. / Professor Wisebottom: In fact, your genetic structure is different from any dna I've ever seen. Perhaps some more in-depth study can - -
/ Fred: Can you get to some sort of point, prof.? / Professor Wisebottom: Well, if all else fails, I can declare you an endangered species and procure you government protection...
/ Fred: Considering that I'd fully expect Trent to shoot a bald eagle if he saw one, I'd doubt that would help. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050117.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 | [[Docter Wisebottom and Fooker are looking at Fred, discussing]]
/ Dr. Wisebottom: While your zoological classification will be of SOME importance to your case, it will be your INTELLIGENCE that will solidify your position.
/ Fred: So how do we prove my sentience? / [[Close-up of Dr. Wisebottom, heaving his finger in a very scientific way]]
/ Dr. Wisebottom: Not just SENTIENCE, my friend, but SAPIENCE! It is one thing to feel and suffer, but another to act with intelligence. BOTH will be required to prove you a person in the eyes of the law. / [[Shot from behind dr. Wisebottom, showing Fred raising a "hand" to his "chin"]]
/ Dr. Wisebottom: We must prove you posssess a conscious mind, with plans, goals, desires, hopes, and fears. We must prove you are self-aware, that you have a personal identity. Only then will the court see you as a being with moral rights and responsibilities. / [[Fred takes up center-stage as he replies to Dr. Wisebottom on the left. In the right, Fooker wispers to Nicole]]
/ Fred: So you want me to take an IQ test, huh? Suits me fine. I've been wanting to give Marilyn Vos Savant a run for her money for years...
/ Fooker: No, HE'S not conceited... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050118.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, January 19, 2005 | Wisebottom speaking, to Fred: Of course, the very nature of intelligence is still hotly debated. And the IQ test is far from perfect. However, it *is* the most accepted and reliable psychological test, and the typical slime mold shouldn't even register as a blip. / Wisebottom: You, of course, are far from typical, and *any* score should provide something. You might also expect to reproduce the result in court to debunk the disbelievers.
/ Fred: Fine. Let's *prove* I'm a genius and move on. / [[A short while later, Nicole and Fooker check in with Wisebottom...]]
/ Wisebottom: The test is complete, and I've calculated the result. You two may come back in now.
/ Nicole: How did Fred do? / Fred, reading results: *139*?!? That's *all*?! You *must* have dropped 70 or more points somewhere!
/ Wisebottom: He'll be fine once the shock wears off... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050119.html |
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