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| GPF Archive: Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | Mercedes: Is that where you found he defendant's supposed libelous remarks?
/ Trent: Y-yes. I knew it was angry, but I had no idea it was so... venomous. / Trent: It started out using a pseudonym for me. But it was obvious who it was talking about. So I got on its forums and attempted to defend myself. But it promptly banned me and kept posting, this time calling me by name! / Mercedes: Then let us examine the blog and forum in quesiton. I present exhibits A and B, a transcript of these texts. And the server logs subpoenaed from the defendant's web host. / Judge: Hm... The defendant has, um, quite a vocabulary...
/ Fred: Why, thank you your- er, sorry. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050719.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | Mercedes: The counsel for the plaintiff readily admits the vast majority of the defendant's remarks in the blog are opinion or hyperbole and therefore cannot be considered defamatory. / Mercedes: However, there are several remarks highlighted for the court that call into question the plaintiff's competence in the workplace. But most damaging is the last one, that the plaintiff is a "homicidal maniac." / Mercedes: Mr. Terrell, out of curiosity, ARE you a homicidal maniac?
/ Trent: Absolutely not! That's completely absurd! I've never murdered anyone!
/ Mercedes: Yet the defendant claims you are. How can we explain this? / Trent: Obviously, it misinterpreted my innocent pranks as "death threats." Which they certainly were not. I never intended to do any sort of lasting harm to anyone. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050720.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, July 21, 2005 | Mercedes: By converse, has the defendant ever attempted to cause bodily harm to YOU?
/ Trent: I'm... loathe to mention it. But yes, it ASSAULTED me a few months ago. / Mercedes: If you can bear to do so, please explain.
/ Trent: I was minding my own business in my office when it violated a restraining order and took over my body. / Mercedes: Took over your body?
/ Trent: Somehow it gained access to my body and made me perform degrading, embarassing acts. It even got me arrested! / Nicole whispers: I TOLD you that would come back to haunt you...
/ Fred whispers: If I go to jail over THAT, it'd be worth it. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050721.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, July 22, 2005 | Mercedes: Have these incidents affected your ability to perform your job?
/ Trent: Sadly, yes. I am a salesman. A marketing guru. So reputation and appearance are everything. / Trent: I communicate extensively online, but I've found this undue stigma precedes me. I cannot represent our company effectively this way. We nearly lost a critical new client due to this incident. / Mercedes: And do you believe the defendant exhibited malice through these incidents?
/ Trent: Absolutely! I'm convinced its unwavering hatred of me was its motivation to attack. / Mercedes: So the defendant knew its statements were false and recklessly disregarded the truth to destroy your career?
/ Trent: I believe so, yes. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050722.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, July 23, 2005 | Fred whispers: So, um... Are we doing as bad as I THINK we're doing?
/ Nicole whispers: Not necessarily. So far Mercedes hasn't pulled anything I didn't expect. / Nicole whispers: She's going out of her way to discredit the "murder" claim but I'm ready for that. Of course, we could have done without the "remote control" bit...
/ Fred whispers: One moment of weakness... / Fred whispers: Trent's coming down. Who will she call next?
/ Nicole whispers: My guess? YOU. She'll try to manipulate your answers, so word your responses carefully. / Nicole whispers: We've got a chance of winning... if you don't give her the rope to hang you with.
/ Mercedes: Next, I call the defendant to the stand. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050723.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, July 24, 2005 | Fred: Thanks for the lift. It would have taken me forever to ooze over there...
/ Bailiff: ew...
/ Fred: Don't worry. It won't stain. / Bailiff: Raise your right... um...
/ [[Fred oozes out a right open palm, face out]]
/ Fred: Does this help?
/ Bailiff: Do you swear or affirm you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
/ Fred: I do. / Mercedes: "Mr." Physarum... IS it "MR."? Or is it "Miss" Physarum?
/ Fred: Technically, I am sexless. Yet I prefer the use of masculine identifiers. / Mercedes: Mr. Physarum, how exactly did a slime mold become employed at GPF software?
/ Fred: After I was fired from my previous job, Ki Oshiro convinced Mr. Duncan to hire me. / Mercedes: I see. And what was your previous occupation?
/ Fred: An online literature professor.
/ Mercedes: And why were you fired...?
/ Fred: I... didn't have the credentials to teach there. / Mercedes: Were those credentials somehow revoked?
/ Fred: Um... No, they were somehow forged to begin with. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050724.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, July 25, 2005 | Mercedes: Obtaining employment using falsified records is hardly reputable, Mr. Physarum...
/ Fred: I agree, but given my unique situation I didn't see much of an alternative. / Mercedes: So I take it you have no qualms with breaking the law when it no longer suits your needs?
/ Nicole: OBJECTION!
/ Judge: Sustained. / Mercedes: My apologies, Your Honor. Let us move on to the incident in question. Were you or were you not the author of the blog in exhibit A?
/ Fred: I am. / Mercedes: You seem unapologetic about your statements.
/ Fred: I stand behind them 100%. Well, I don't "stand" behind them, obviously, but you get the idea... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050725.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 | Mercedes: Then is it true you banned the plaintiff from your forums to prevent him from defending himself?
/ Fred: I banned him because he was being abusive and disruptive to the other posters. / Mercedes: Are you CERTAIN your argument with the plaintiff had no bearing on this ban? It's timing hardly seems objective. you mean to say that anger played ABSOLUTELY no part in that decision? / Fred: Can I honestly say that? No. But I made a decision I thought was in the best interests of my readers. If I was also angry... Well, it's never a good idea to tick off the guy with admin privileges. / Mercedes: Then let me phrase it another way. Do you think you have a problem with anger?
/ Fred: Why do I get the feeling that if I say no, I'll get hit with a giant mallet? http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050726.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 | Fred: Are you insinuating I have an anger management problem?
/ Mercedes: Insinuating? No. But I would like to enter exhibit C for consideration. / Mercedes: These are selected past entries from the defendant's archive, displaying numerous "rants" about students and faculty at his college, literary works he consideres overrated, etc. Although none are libelous, they do highlight his propensity for anger. / Mercedes: Did you indeed author these posts as well?
/ Fred: Er, yes.
/ Mercedes: And how would you describe the overall tone?
/ Fred: Angry. / Mercedes: So, am I insinuating you have an anger management problem?
/ Fred: Dang. And you had to use one of those clamp-like paper clips, since it's so thick... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050727.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, July 28, 2005 | So anger was a non-dismissable factor in your banning of the plaintiff from your forumas, and you have a history of anger issues.
/ So I have a short fuse. So what? / Tell me, Mr. Physarum. Were you angry at the plaintiff when you posted the blog entry in question?
/ Of course!
/ And you would have done anything to seek revenge? / Of course not! There are certain lines I would never cross!
/ That seems unlikely. If fraud is not out of your bounds, then why should libel be? / Objection! The counsel is leading the witness!
/ Sustained.
/ No further questions. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050728.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, July 29, 2005 | Fooker: Man, that questioning was brutal.
/ Sharon: It's a good thing the judge called a recess. / Ki: How are you holding up, Fred? You seem to be sliming more than usual...
/ Fred: I do that when I'm really nervous. Think of it as my version of a cold sweat. / Nick: Nicole, what do you think are his chances?
/ Mercedes: Our strategy is still sound. We've just got a few more land mines to avoid. / Fooker: I could use my influence with the judge to sway things in Fred's favor...
/ Fred: I'd rather be carted off to Wisebottom's lab for study... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050729.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, July 30, 2005 | As the counsel for the plaintiff rests her case, the court adjourns for a brief recess. We, of course, will continue our live coverage of the trial. / Have you heard about the marketing exec suing a slime mold for libel? Next I hear Boston Market is suing botulism and salmonella for defamation of character... / So you have no comment on your association with "Dr." Physarum? / Sleek, shiny, and slimey is definitely in, and green is the new black! http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050730.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, July 31, 2005 | Judge: Counsel for the defense...?
/ Nicole: I call Dr. Otto Wisebottom to the stand. / Nicole: Dr. Wisebottom, you have examined the defendant. What is your scientific evaluation?
/ Dr. Wisebottom: Well, although we do not currently have a biological classification for him, I would say "slime mold" is a close enough approximation. / Dr. Wisebottom: Of course, his genetic structure is unlike any of the 650 or myxogastrids and dicyostelids that--
/ Nicole: Thank you, Dr. And what was your evaluation of his intelligence? / Dr. Wisebottom: Fred is an extremely fascinating subject. Although he does indeed appear to be a single-celled organism, he has also developed a very complex distributed nucleus that functions much like the neural net of the human brain. / Dr. Wisebottom: Although IQ tests are far from perfect, the results I gathered are quite clear: Fred is not only sentient, but also sapient. A thinking, rational being with an intelligence above the human average. I assert these findings are accurate and true. / Nicole: And what is your personal assessment of the defendant?
/ Dr. Wisebottom: He is a joy to fellowship with. He is ruthless at "Monopoly" and has a marvelous singing voice... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050731.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, August 1, 2005 | Nicole: How long have you known the defendant, Mr. Barker?
/ Fooker: Almost seven years.
/ Nicole: And what is your association with him?
/ Fooker: We're roommates. / Nicole: Describe your relationship.
/ Fooker: We're bosom buddies. We're like Tom Hanks and that other guy nobody remembers, but without the cross-dressing. / Fooker: Ya know, Fred tries to act all gruff and sarcastic, but deep down he's as soft and squishy as his cytoplasm. While I'm sure Ol' Needlenose may have ruffled his feathers, I don't buy Fred libeling him. That's not in his nature. / Nicole: Thank you, Mr. Barker.
/ Fooker: Now digesting a guy's remote control to keep him from changing the channel, THAT he'll do.
/ {{Reference to GPF comic strip: Jan. 2, 1999}} http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050801.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, August 2, 2005 | Dwayne: In business, Fred has been nothing but professional. We had a couple rough anti-social spots at first, but he grew out of them. Although he was partly at fault in his disagreements with Trent, Trent was clearly the aggressor. / Nick: He's always been helpful to those that really know him. His quirky sense of humor should not be confused with malice. His sarcasm rarely is laced with real spite and venom. / Ki: Fred has filled a valuable place in our lives. He's not only an interesting personality, but also a good friend. He helped me in a very difficult situation once, and I've always appreciated that. / Mercedes: Your Honor, the Defense is wasting the court's time with this nonsense.
/ Nicole: On the contrary, I am establishing the defendant's character.
/ Judge: Overruled, but pick up the pace a bit, counsel. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050802.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, August 3, 2005 | Nicole: Mr. Physarum, the plaintiff stated that he pulled a few "pranks" on you in October 2003. In your opinion, were these "harmless employee hazings?"
/ Fred: Absolutely not. / Fred: Would you consider it "harmless hazing" to put a bottle of arsenic in someone's lunch? Or a "practical joke" to squirt them with concentrated acid from a water gun? I wouldn't, yet that's equivalent tot what he did to me. / Fred: Bleach and disinfectants are lethal to me. I felt genuinely threatened by his "pranks". Yet he laughed it off like a drunken Frat boy.
/ Nicole: Did you retaliate against him when you felt your life was threatened?
/ Fred: No. / Nicole: Then what DID you do?
/ Fred: I followed the procedure in the Employee Handbook. I filed a complaint with Mr. Duncan which he promptly addressed. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050803.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, August 4, 2005 | Nicole: So you went through proper channels to resolve this situation, even though you felt your life was threatened. Yet the plaintiff attests you resorted to illegal means to resolve a petty argument. / Nicole: Somehow, that doesn't make sense to me. But perhaps the plaintiff himself could explain it better. I call Trenton N. Terrell to the stand. / Trent: Hey, DLC! Any advice before I go up?
/ Mercedes: What? Oh, don't screw up. / Trent: Gee, THAT'S encouraging.
/ Mercedes: Stick to the plan and don't let her get you off course. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050804.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, August 5, 2005 | Nicole: Mr. Terrell, what is your opinion of the defendant?
/ Trent: I'm not exactly going to let it rent my Summer condo at the beach, if you must know. / Nicole: Looking at the "pranks" you pulled--Lysol in a lunch bag, bleach in a water gun, a biohazard sign on the defendant's office door--one might think you consider him to be a hazard to your health.
/ Trent: Heck, yeah! That blob of-- / Trent: Er, I MEAN, Yes. That thing lives in a DUMPSTER. Who knows what filth it tracks into our office.
/ Nicole: Has the defendant ACTIVELY tried to "infect" you? / Trent: Well, it DID get its slime all over me when it took over my body.
/ Nicole: And because of this you became diseased?
/ Trent: I... had a... mild rash...? http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050805.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, August 6, 2005 | Nicole: Mr. Terrell, do you think the defendant is sentient?
/ Trent: I... really don't know...
/ Nicole: Do you think he is sapient, a thinking, rational being?
/ Trent: Well, er... / Judge: The plaintiff will answer the question.
/ Trent: Okay, look, so it SEEMS to think, at least a little, but it certainly isn't a match for any HUMAN. / Trent: It's a single-celled glob of goo! The only reason these others defend it is because it's their PET. They personify it like someone does a dog or cat. I wonder which one took the IQ test for it. / Nicole: Yet you undoubtedly consider HIM "human" enough to be sued.
/ Mercedes: OBJECTION!
/ Judge: Overruled. Obviously, the plaintiff and his counsel disagree. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050806.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, August 7, 2005 | Nicole: Now, Mr. Terrell, let's look at exhibit A, the supposedly libelous blog entry in question, in more detail, shall we? / Nicole: Your counsel has kindly highlighted a number of passages in this text, identifying them as defamatory. However, I'm hard pressed to agree with her assessment. / Nicole: While I may agree one or two statements may APPEAR to be stated as fact when taken out of context, WITHIN context it appears obvious that these are the defendant's OPINIONS, wouldn't you agree? / Trent: Well, um...
/ Nicole: Mr. Terrell, please read the sentence before this one. In context, does it not make clear the next sentence is an opinion?
/ Trent: I... guess... / Nicole: And opinions, by the definition of libel, are NOT defamatory. The defendant is free to think whatever he wants about you, so long as he doesn't LIE. This clearly discounts ALL the highlighted statements except one. / Nicole: Admittedly, calling someone an attempted murderer is harsh. But tell, me, Mr. Terrell, what were YOU doing before you were hired by GPF software? http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050807.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, August 8, 2005 | Trent: I- I don't see how that could be relevant--
/ Judge: Mr. Terrell, you will answer the question. / Nicole: What were you doing before you were hired by GPF?
/ Trent: I was... in prison.
/ Nicole: Why? / Trent: I was trying to frame Trudy Trueheart, an old... acquaintance of mine, with attempted murder. I wasn't trying to HIT Dwayne with that safe. Just SCARE him a little and make everyone think Trudy did it! / Nicole: What were you charged and CONVICTED of, Mr. Terrell?
/ Trent: Falsification of evidence.
/ Nicole: AND?
/ Trent: Attempted murder. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050808.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, August 9, 2005 | Mercedes: YOU WHAT?
/ Judge: Counsel! You are not presenting arguments or cross-examining! Remain silent! / Mercedes: I OBJECT!
/ Judge: On what grounds?
/ Mercedes: The plaintiff did not share this information with me. / Judge: I'm afraid that isn't acceptable grounds for an objection. Overruled. Now take your seat, Counsel. Another outburst like that and I'll hold you in contempt. / Mercedes: Then I object on the grounds that the plaintiff is a complete idiot.
/ Judge: As much as I may agree, that's not sufficient grounds either. Overruled. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050809.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, August 10, 2005 | Nicole: Mr. Terrell, you've already expressed that, unlike seemingly everyone else here today, you consider the defendant as sub-human. Yet your own counsel considers him a person to pursue this trial. / Nicole: Tell me, what did you think the results of your pranks would have been? If you had hit him with that bleach?
/ Trent: What NORMALLY happens to funky fungi hit by bleach. It gets destroyed. / Nicole: Yet several witnesses have testified to his intelligence, and we all consider him a person for the purpose of trial. If he is considered a person and you actually tried to destroy him... / Nicole: Could that not be considered attempted murder? Mr. Terrell? http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050810.html |
| GPF Archive: Thursday, August 11, 2005 | [[The Oshiros (Ki's parents and brother) are watching the TV]]
/ TV: After a blistering display of legal logic, the defense rests its case, and the jury begins deliberations... / [[The Wellingtons (Nick's mother and the back of the top of Lori's head), watching TV]]
/ TV: A courthouse insider tells us there could be confusion among the jury about whether the slime mold is a "person" or not...
/ Linda Wellington: A drink, Lori? / [[UGA folks (Justin Barker, Agent #12 (Maddie O'Hara), perhaps Agent #18 (see July 25, 2002)), watching TV]]
/ TV: At this point, legal analysts are uncertain of the outcome. With so many unusual elements, this case could go either way... / [[Shadow, possibly Socrates, watching TV]]
/ TV: We will return to our live coverage after this brief commercial break...
/ Socrates (?): He HAS to win... I can't lose him again so soon... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050811.html |
| GPF Archive: Friday, August 12, 2005 | Fred: How do you think we'll do, Nicole?
/ Nicole: I don't know. I think we did well, but if the jury doesn't buy your personhood... / Trent: DLC, I just wanna say I--
/ Mercedes: NOT listening to you... / Reporter: The jury has finished deliberating and is returning to the courtroom... / Judge: Jury, have you reached a decision?
/ Jury foreman: We have, Your Honor. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050812.html |
| GPF Archive: Saturday, August 13, 2005 | [[Sydney is playing with Ki's cat, Randi]]
/ Sydney: Hello, Wandi! I'm so glad Miss Ki let da babysitter watch me here. 'Cause it's closer ta Mommy's work. Now we can play together!
/ Randi: Mreow? / Sydney: I asked Mommy and Daddy if I can have a Kitty, but Mommy says Daddy's allergic. I think she just doesn't want da resposibiliblibly.
/ Randi: < http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050813.html |
| GPF Archive: Sunday, August 14, 2005 | Jury foreman: We the Jury decide in favor of the defendant. His remarks were not libelous, as the plaintiff was indeed charged with attempted murder.
/ Judge: ORDER! We're not done yet! / Judge: Mr. Terrell, as the losing party, I am hereby issuing a restraining order forbidding you to have any further contact with the defendant. I'm also ordering a criminal investigation into your attempted murder. / Trent: B-but double jeopardy!
/ Judge: You were tried and convicted of ONE incident, but NOT the attempts on the defendant's life. / Judge: As for YOU, you committed fraud in order to obtain employment. Since you were undoubtedly... spawned in the United States, you aren't an illegal alien, but you are eligible for U.S. citizenship. / Judge: So I'm giving you 30 days to apply for valid citizenship rights. If you complete these steps, this court will not investigate you or your employer concerning your work status. / Judge: As for me, I need a stiff drink and a LONG vacation. If anyone needs me, I'll be in Tahiti. Court adjourned. http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050814.html |
| GPF Archive: Monday, August 15, 2005 | Trent: W-we lost... to a slime mold... I can't believe it...
/ Mercedes: Believe it. / Trent: Quick, DLC! We have to start planning for the appeal!
/ Mercedes: After that little omission you pulled? I don't think so... / Mercedes: And I don't think any lawyer worth their salt would represent you either.
/ Trent: B-but what about your big break? The case to make you a household name? / Mercedes: This case already DID that! Besides, my NEXT one's bigger. I'm representing a poetry writing ex-circus bear in a copyright infringement suit! See you around, Terrell! http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050815.html |
| GPF Archive: Tuesday, August 16, 2005 | Mercedes: Congratulations, Nicole!
/ Nicole: Um, Thank you, Mercedes. / Trent: Nicole! I need you to represent me when I go back to court!
/ Nicole: Why the heck would I represent YOU? I KNOW you're guilty! / Trent: PLEASE! You thrashed Mercedes! You're an incredible lawyer! I don't wanna go back to jail!
/ Fred: Shoulda thought of that sooner. / Dwayne: And I demand you kindly unhand my wife.
/ Trent: EEP! http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050816.html |
| GPF Archive: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 | Trent: D-D-D-D-DWAYNE!
/ Dwayne: If you're done accosting my wife, we need to talk. / Trent: S-sure! Is it about the Goodman Rubber account? B-because--
/ Dwayne: Actually, I want you to clean out your desk tomorrow. You're fired. / Trent: FIRED?! On what grounds?
/ Dwayne: Let's see. Harassing a fellow employee, attempting to MURDER said employee, disrupting the workplace with frivolous lawsuits... / Dwayne: I don't like you, I'm through defending you to my employees and customers, you just tried to pull my wife's clothes off...
/ Trent: I think I get the picture... http://www.gpf-comics.com/d/20050817.html |
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