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In The Beginning - LITJ 1 Mom: Jesus, Grandpa's here to talk about the birds and the bees! Don't tell him I'm drunk. / Grandpa: See, Jesus, when a man and a woman love each other, they like to touch each other. Sometimes, though, things get a little rough, and then a hooker has to die. / Grandpa: Make sure that you wear...
I Feel Like Superman - LITJ 2 Jesus: My name's Jesus, and I'm addicted to crack cocaine. It makes me feel like superman. / Jesus: I think about it all the time. / [[Jesus dreams about smoking crack.]] / Jesus: I've been sober for at least 20 minutes, and I feel good about it. Ready for anything. / Heather: Hey! Jesus! / Heather:...
What A Wonderful World - LITJ 3 Jesus: And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.... The colors of the ranbow, so pretty in the sky.... / Jesus: So yesterday I catch mom dry humping this walrus. / [[Mom humping a walrus.]] / Jesus: I'm all like, "Bitch, Dad is gonna be pissed!", and she's all like, "But he loves, me!", and...
Fun Bible Facts - LITJ 4 [[Jesus raps.]] / Jesus: Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms. / Jesus: I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around! / Nixon: Word! / Walrus: Bling bling! / [[Nixon brandishes a 9mm.]] / Nixon: G.O.P. in tha muthafuckin' house. Don't...
God Hates You - LITJ 5 Jesus: You know what time it is? It's time to smell what the Christ is cookin'! / Haldeman: What the hell are you talking about? You can't cook. You don't even know how to work the stove. And, before you say anything, crack doesn't count. / Jesus: "And the cooking pots in the Lord's house will...
 
Mea Culpa - LITJ 6 Jesus: Nixon! Whassup! How you doin', man? / Nixon: Fo shizzle, my nizzle! / [[Nixon brandishes a gun.]] / Nixon: Big money pimpin', yo! Like B.D.P., my nine millimeter goes wa-da-da-da-dang! It takes a nation of millions to hold us back. / Jesus: So, what's with the gun? / Nixon: I gotta have...
Whoops, I Did It Again - LITJ 7 Jesus: I went to the movies and say "The Passion" last weekend. / Jesus: It's pretty close ti wgat reakky happened. They left out some parts, though. / [[Peter looks for his sword.]] / Jesus: Peter, you will deny me three times. / Peter: Deny THIS, motherfucker. Where the hell is my sword? Dumb...
Too Stupid To Care - LITJ 8 Nixon: Hey...wait up! / [[Nixon brandishes a pistol.]] / Nixon: Give me your wallet, bitch! Don't make me bust a cap in your ass! / Phil: Aw, man... / Phil: We've been through this. You've robbed me six times. Today. / Nixon: *bling bling* / Phil: I don't have any more money. / [[Nixon puts the...
We're Gonna Be Rich - LITJ 9 Heather: I got the BEST idea this morning, after my coffee. We're gonna be RICH. / Heather: First, we get high. Then, we go downtown and talk to a man named Tyrone. We will purchase large quantities of drugs, and then we will purchase malt liquor. / [[Heather begins slowly falling over backwards.]] / Heather:...
Red Is My Favorite Flavor - LITJ 10 [[Text on a blank panel.]] / Text: A Public Service Announcement From The Cast Of Leave It To Jesus / [[Heather stands next to a giant Robitussin box.]] / Heather: Hi. My name's Heather. I'm here to tell you about Robitussin, and what it can do to your brain. / Heather: If you're like me, you have...
 
The First Rule of Robitussin Club - LITJ 11 [[A giant Robitussin box floats in the air.]] / Robitussin: What's the first rule of Robitussin Club? / Heather: DON'T TALK ABOU ROBITUSSIN CLUB. / Robitussin: And the second rule? / Heather: Don't talk about Robitussin Club. / Robitussin: And the third rule? / Heather: If it's your first night, you...
I Think I Found God - LITJ 12 Heather: I think I found God. / Jesus: Oh yeah? Where's He been? / Jesus: Seriously, that bastard isn't returning my phone calls. / Jesus: I keep leaving messages with the main, and I want my fucking money. / Heather: But... / Heather: Let me rephrase that: I'm gonna start worshipping Robitussin. / Jesus:...
Smite Your Loins - LITJ 13 Robitussin: You wanted to talk? / Jesus: Umm...yeah. Who are you and where did you come from? / Robitussin: I am a physical manifestation of Robitussin, and the Power of DM. This is the day the Cough Syrup hath made, let us rejoice and get high in it. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]] / Jesus: Look,...
I Think I Love You - LITJ 14 Jesus: "Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him." 1 Kings 3:16 / Jesus: "They cast lots for my people and traded boys for prostitutes; they sold girls for wine that they might drink." Joel 3:3 / Nixon: Dude, you're gay? / Old Man: He's TOTALLY gay. / Jesus: "When he drank...
Fearless Leader - LITJ 15 Heather: Fearless Leader! Where are you? I need you. / Jesus: Hey! / Jesus: Have you seen a giant floating bottle of Robitussin? / Heather: Not recently. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]] / Jesus: "This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head." 1 Samuel...
 
I Only Love You For Your Money - LITJ 16 Robitussin: Hey there, boys and girls! I am your Lord and Savior! / [[Jesus speaks from off-panel.]] / Jesus: Ahem. / [[Jesus points his pistol at Robitussin.]] / Robitussin: I am NOT the Lord or Savior. / Jesus: ...and? / Robitussin: I can't cure cancer. / Jesus: Go on... / Robitussin: I won't increase...
In The Beginning... - LITJ 17 [[An external view of the Milky Way galaxy.]] / Narrator: In the beginning, there was nothing. Not even donkeys. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's head.]] / Narrator: And then there were donkeys. And Cool Ranch Doritos. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's backside.]] / Narrator: And then the Mexicans...
Homeland Security - LITJ 18 Jesus: I've called you here today to discuss my new Homeland Security policy. America must be protected. / Jesus: It's based around Exodus 8:2. "Behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs." / [[Everyone stands around staring at Jesus.]] / Heather: So, you're gonna throw frogs at Mexicans? / [[Jesus...
Bad Apostle - LITJ 19 Gat of the Lord: I am the Gat of the Lord, the Destroyer of Wickedness. "He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded." Joshua 10:40 / [[Peter sees the G.O.T.L., and runs over to him.]] / Gat of the Lord: "He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone...
Knock Knock - LITJ 20 Heather: Knock, knock! / Jesus: Who's there? / Heather: Pope Benedict XVI! / [[Jesus and Heather stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus leaves.]] / Jesus: Fuck you. / Heather: You're supposed to say "Pope Benedict XVI who?"
 
Enter the Pain Hat - LITJ 21 [[A boy and girl wait at a bus stop.]] / Girl: How was your weekend? / Boy: I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and got born again! / Boy: I sad a little prayer, and then Jesus told me EXACTLY what to do! / [[The boy wears a hat with two electrodes and a light bulb on top. He has a disturbed...
It's Not Candy - LITJ 22 Jesus: C'mon... / Michael: I said no. / [[Jesus and Michael stare at each other.]] / Jesus: But I'm hungry! / Michael: I don't care. / Jesus: It looks like a giant Jolly Rancher! / Michael: You can't eat the glycerin soap.
Vicodin and Whiskey - LITJ 23 [[Heather looks down at the floor.]] / Heather: Is that who I think it is? / Jesus: Yup. / Jesus: He showed up last night, completely wasted. Totally out of control. / Heather: Damn. / [[Elmo, visibly intoxicated and waving a pistol around.]] / Elmo: Welcome to Elmo's World! Bitch! / Heather: ...
Sinless City - LITJ 24 [[A large, metropolitan city at night.]] / Narrator: The big city. / [[A parking lot filled with trash. An abandoned and burned out car sits in the background.]] / Narrator: A million people. A million stories. / [[A large, run down building.]] / Narrator: Me? I'm just a man. The Son of Man. / [["Sinless...
It Was A Dark And Stormy Night - LITJ 25 [[The inside of the office door to "Jesus H. Christ: Private Investigator".]] / Narrator: I'm a private dick. Got a dirty job? I'm your man. / [[A chalk outline of a body on a sidewalk.]] / Narrator: But murder? That's not my thing. I'm no hitman. / [[A squirrel eats nuts from the hand of the...
 
Made Out Of Meat - LITJ 26 Heather: What's your position on video games? / Jesus: It's complicated. / Jesus: On one hand, any kind of violent or overly sexual media can be bad for children without proper parental supervision. We need to protect the children. / Jesus: On the other hand, killing people and robbing hookers...
Anything Better - LITJ 27 Heather: What the hell was up with the font in the last strip? / Jesus: Ahh...self-referential humor. / Heather: What? / Jesus: Self-referential humor is when something makes fun of itself. Like when you're in a comic strip and you make fun of the comic strip you're in. / Heather: Maybe the author...
Fo Shizzle - LITJ 28 [[An old, bearded man sits, looking at an old violin he holds in his hands.]] / Man: This was my father's violin.... His most prized possesion. / Narrator: His hands shook, and he took a deep breath / Man: Once, he took it to the bakery and played it for the baker, and asked for only a loaf of bread...
Gerbils - LITJ 29 [[A toaster.]] / Text: This is a toaster. It makes toast. / [[A gerbil.]] / Text: It is not a gerbil, because gerbils don't make toast. / [[A gerbil eating toast.]] / [[Another gerbil.]] / Text: A recent federal study, costing over three million dollars, has proven that gerbils are not made of toast....
Friends Only - LITJ 30 [[Jesus types at his computer.]] / Jesus: Dear LiveJournal... / Jesus: This journal is "drama-free". No gossip, no drama, no name calling. / [[Jesus pauses at his computer.]] / [[Jesus resumes typing.]] / Jesus: Except for stuff about Nixon. He's a fucking bitch, and I hate him. I'm so emo.
 

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