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| In The Beginning - LITJ 1 | Mom: Jesus, Grandpa's here to talk about the birds and the bees! Don't tell him I'm drunk. / Grandpa: See, Jesus, when a man and a woman love each other, they like to touch each other. Sometimes, though, things get a little rough, and then a hooker has to die. / Grandpa: Make sure that you wear... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=1 |
| I Feel Like Superman - LITJ 2 | Jesus: My name's Jesus, and I'm addicted to crack cocaine. It makes me feel like superman. / Jesus: I think about it all the time.
/ [[Jesus dreams about smoking crack.]] / Jesus: I've been sober for at least 20 minutes, and I feel good about it. Ready for anything.
/ Heather: Hey! Jesus! / Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=2 |
| What A Wonderful World - LITJ 3 | Jesus: And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.... The colors of the ranbow, so pretty in the sky.... / Jesus: So yesterday I catch mom dry humping this walrus. / [[Mom humping a walrus.]]
/ Jesus: I'm all like, "Bitch, Dad is gonna be pissed!", and she's all like, "But he loves, me!", and... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=3 |
| Fun Bible Facts - LITJ 4 | [[Jesus raps.]]
/ Jesus: Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms. / Jesus: I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around!
/ Nixon: Word!
/ Walrus: Bling bling! / [[Nixon brandishes a 9mm.]]
/ Nixon: G.O.P. in tha muthafuckin' house. Don't... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=4 |
| God Hates You - LITJ 5 | Jesus: You know what time it is? It's time to smell what the Christ is cookin'! / Haldeman: What the hell are you talking about? You can't cook. You don't even know how to work the stove. And, before you say anything, crack doesn't count. / Jesus: "And the cooking pots in the Lord's house will... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=5 |
| Mea Culpa - LITJ 6 | Jesus: Nixon! Whassup! How you doin', man?
/ Nixon: Fo shizzle, my nizzle! / [[Nixon brandishes a gun.]]
/ Nixon: Big money pimpin', yo! Like B.D.P., my nine millimeter goes wa-da-da-da-dang! It takes a nation of millions to hold us back. / Jesus: So, what's with the gun?
/ Nixon: I gotta have... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=6 |
| Whoops, I Did It Again - LITJ 7 | Jesus: I went to the movies and say "The Passion" last weekend. / Jesus: It's pretty close ti wgat reakky happened. They left out some parts, though. / [[Peter looks for his sword.]]
/ Jesus: Peter, you will deny me three times.
/ Peter: Deny THIS, motherfucker. Where the hell is my sword? Dumb... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=7 |
| Too Stupid To Care - LITJ 8 | Nixon: Hey...wait up! / [[Nixon brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Nixon: Give me your wallet, bitch! Don't make me bust a cap in your ass!
/ Phil: Aw, man... / Phil: We've been through this. You've robbed me six times. Today.
/ Nixon: *bling bling*
/ Phil: I don't have any more money. / [[Nixon puts the... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=8 |
| We're Gonna Be Rich - LITJ 9 | Heather: I got the BEST idea this morning, after my coffee. We're gonna be RICH. / Heather: First, we get high. Then, we go downtown and talk to a man named Tyrone. We will purchase large quantities of drugs, and then we will purchase malt liquor. / [[Heather begins slowly falling over backwards.]]
/ Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=9 |
| Red Is My Favorite Flavor - LITJ 10 | [[Text on a blank panel.]]
/ Text: A Public Service Announcement From The Cast Of Leave It To Jesus / [[Heather stands next to a giant Robitussin box.]]
/ Heather: Hi. My name's Heather. I'm here to tell you about Robitussin, and what it can do to your brain. / Heather: If you're like me, you have... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=10 |
| The First Rule of Robitussin Club - LITJ 11 | [[A giant Robitussin box floats in the air.]]
/ Robitussin: What's the first rule of Robitussin Club?
/ Heather: DON'T TALK ABOU ROBITUSSIN CLUB. / Robitussin: And the second rule?
/ Heather: Don't talk about Robitussin Club.
/ Robitussin: And the third rule?
/ Heather: If it's your first night, you... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=11 |
| I Think I Found God - LITJ 12 | Heather: I think I found God.
/ Jesus: Oh yeah? Where's He been? / Jesus: Seriously, that bastard isn't returning my phone calls. / Jesus: I keep leaving messages with the main, and I want my fucking money.
/ Heather: But... / Heather: Let me rephrase that: I'm gonna start worshipping Robitussin.
/ Jesus:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=12 |
| Smite Your Loins - LITJ 13 | Robitussin: You wanted to talk?
/ Jesus: Umm...yeah. Who are you and where did you come from? / Robitussin: I am a physical manifestation of Robitussin, and the Power of DM. This is the day the Cough Syrup hath made, let us rejoice and get high in it. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Jesus: Look,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=13 |
| I Think I Love You - LITJ 14 | Jesus: "Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him." 1 Kings 3:16 / Jesus: "They cast lots for my people and traded boys for prostitutes; they sold girls for wine that they might drink." Joel 3:3 / Nixon: Dude, you're gay?
/ Old Man: He's TOTALLY gay. / Jesus: "When he drank... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=14 |
| Fearless Leader - LITJ 15 | Heather: Fearless Leader! Where are you? I need you.
/ Jesus: Hey! / Jesus: Have you seen a giant floating bottle of Robitussin?
/ Heather: Not recently. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Jesus: "This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head." 1 Samuel... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=15 |
| I Only Love You For Your Money - LITJ 16 | Robitussin: Hey there, boys and girls! I am your Lord and Savior!
/ [[Jesus speaks from off-panel.]]
/ Jesus: Ahem. / [[Jesus points his pistol at Robitussin.]]
/ Robitussin: I am NOT the Lord or Savior.
/ Jesus: ...and?
/ Robitussin: I can't cure cancer.
/ Jesus: Go on... / Robitussin: I won't increase... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=16 |
| In The Beginning... - LITJ 17 | [[An external view of the Milky Way galaxy.]]
/ Narrator: In the beginning, there was nothing. Not even donkeys. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's head.]]
/ Narrator: And then there were donkeys. And Cool Ranch Doritos. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's backside.]]
/ Narrator: And then the Mexicans... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=17 |
| Homeland Security - LITJ 18 | Jesus: I've called you here today to discuss my new Homeland Security policy. America must be protected. / Jesus: It's based around Exodus 8:2. "Behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs." / [[Everyone stands around staring at Jesus.]] / Heather: So, you're gonna throw frogs at Mexicans?
/ [[Jesus... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=18 |
| Bad Apostle - LITJ 19 | Gat of the Lord: I am the Gat of the Lord, the Destroyer of Wickedness. "He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded." Joshua 10:40 / [[Peter sees the G.O.T.L., and runs over to him.]]
/ Gat of the Lord: "He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=19 |
| Knock Knock - LITJ 20 | Heather: Knock, knock!
/ Jesus: Who's there? / Heather: Pope Benedict XVI! / [[Jesus and Heather stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus leaves.]]
/ Jesus: Fuck you.
/ Heather: You're supposed to say "Pope Benedict XVI who?" http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=20 |
| Enter the Pain Hat - LITJ 21 | [[A boy and girl wait at a bus stop.]]
/ Girl: How was your weekend?
/ Boy: I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and got born again! / Boy: I sad a little prayer, and then Jesus told me EXACTLY what to do! / [[The boy wears a hat with two electrodes and a light bulb on top. He has a disturbed... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=21 |
| It's Not Candy - LITJ 22 | Jesus: C'mon...
/ Michael: I said no. / [[Jesus and Michael stare at each other.]] / Jesus: But I'm hungry!
/ Michael: I don't care. / Jesus: It looks like a giant Jolly Rancher!
/ Michael: You can't eat the glycerin soap. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=22 |
| Vicodin and Whiskey - LITJ 23 | [[Heather looks down at the floor.]]
/ Heather: Is that who I think it is?
/ Jesus: Yup. / Jesus: He showed up last night, completely wasted. Totally out of control.
/ Heather: Damn. / [[Elmo, visibly intoxicated and waving a pistol around.]]
/ Elmo: Welcome to Elmo's World! Bitch! / Heather: ... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=23 |
| Sinless City - LITJ 24 | [[A large, metropolitan city at night.]]
/ Narrator: The big city. / [[A parking lot filled with trash. An abandoned and burned out car sits in the background.]]
/ Narrator: A million people. A million stories. / [[A large, run down building.]]
/ Narrator: Me? I'm just a man. The Son of Man. / [["Sinless... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=24 |
| It Was A Dark And Stormy Night - LITJ 25 | [[The inside of the office door to "Jesus H. Christ: Private Investigator".]]
/ Narrator: I'm a private dick. Got a dirty job? I'm your man. / [[A chalk outline of a body on a sidewalk.]]
/ Narrator: But murder? That's not my thing. I'm no hitman. / [[A squirrel eats nuts from the hand of the... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=25 |
| Made Out Of Meat - LITJ 26 | Heather: What's your position on video games?
/ Jesus: It's complicated. / Jesus: On one hand, any kind of violent or overly sexual media can be bad for children without proper parental supervision. We need to protect the children. / Jesus: On the other hand, killing people and robbing hookers... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=26 |
| Anything Better - LITJ 27 | Heather: What the hell was up with the font in the last strip?
/ Jesus: Ahh...self-referential humor. / Heather: What?
/ Jesus: Self-referential humor is when something makes fun of itself. Like when you're in a comic strip and you make fun of the comic strip you're in. / Heather: Maybe the author... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=27 |
| Fo Shizzle - LITJ 28 | [[An old, bearded man sits, looking at an old violin he holds in his hands.]]
/ Man: This was my father's violin.... His most prized possesion. / Narrator: His hands shook, and he took a deep breath / Man: Once, he took it to the bakery and played it for the baker, and asked for only a loaf of bread... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=28 |
| Gerbils - LITJ 29 | [[A toaster.]]
/ Text: This is a toaster. It makes toast. / [[A gerbil.]]
/ Text: It is not a gerbil, because gerbils don't make toast. / [[A gerbil eating toast.]] / [[Another gerbil.]]
/ Text: A recent federal study, costing over three million dollars, has proven that gerbils are not made of toast.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=29 |
| Friends Only - LITJ 30 | [[Jesus types at his computer.]]
/ Jesus: Dear LiveJournal... / Jesus: This journal is "drama-free". No gossip, no drama, no name calling. / [[Jesus pauses at his computer.]] / [[Jesus resumes typing.]]
/ Jesus: Except for stuff about Nixon. He's a fucking bitch, and I hate him. I'm so emo. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=30 |