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| Try Again - LITJ 451 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Look, it's simple. / Heather: Take two pieces of bread. A little bit of cheese, some lettuce and mayo... / Heather: Add the meat, and...Poof! It's delicious, delicious magic. / From Off: So you _don't_ know what a pap smear is.
/ Heather: Okay, okay. One more guess. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=451 |
| Double Double - LITJ 452 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I think that the smell of freshly brewed coffee is my favorite. / Heather: It's the first think I smell in the morning. My "doorway" into the new day. / Heather: It grabs me by the face and forces me to stuff it in my pants. My pants don't understand, and that's what makes it so hard. _Hard._ / From Off: A pap smear doesn't have anything to do with coffee.
/ Heather: So, if I were to ask you for a grande mocha latte with a double double?
/ From Off: Get out. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=452 |
| One Electrifying Hour - LITJ 453 | [[Jesus speaks on the phone.]]
/ Jesus: Hello? Yes, this is 555-0167. Can I ask who's calling? / Jesus: Oh. Hello, Officer Williams. / Jesus: Can I ask why you're calling? Oh. _Oh._ / Jesus: No, no, she's taking her medication. Uh-huh. Well, there isn't really any medication for "stupid", yet. Just keep hitting her with the taser, and I'll come pick her up in an hour or so. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=453 |
| Way, Way Higher Than An Eagle - LITJ 454 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I would like to clarify some things that I may or may not have said to a New York Times reporter last Wednesday. / Heather: For the record, it is completely impossible to "freebase the H1N1 vaccine". It will not get you "higher than a tranny shooting an eight ball on a space plane". / Heather: For one thing, there is no such thing as a "space plane". I apologize to the transgendered community for the slur. It was unnecessary, crude, and wrong. / Heather: In conclusion, I would like to say that I'm very, very, very sorry. I am also in need of a $32,000 loan so I can pay off my pharmacy tab. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=454 |
| Not Even The Same Game - LITJ 455 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Let me guess... / Charlie: You're gonna come over here and punch me in the nuts, right? / [[Charlie stares.]] / From Off: That's not how a vasectomy works.
/ Charlie: Same ballpark, though, right?
/ From Off: No. No, it isn't. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=455 |
| It's Not My Blood, I Know That Much - LITJ 456 | [[Text on blank background.]]
/ Text: Questions One Hopes To Never Be Asked / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Do you really think you can wear that, like, out of the house? / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Is that your gun? / [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Whose blood is that on your shirt? Is it yours, the Congressman's, or one of the underage Thai prostitutes? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=456 |
| Leroy Is A Bad Man - LITJ 457 | [[Jesus speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Jesus: So, Leroy slaps the midget. Afterwards-
/ Sound: _*ring ring*_
/ Jesus: Hold on, I gotta take this. / [[Jesus talks on the phone.]]
/ Jesus: Hello? Oh, what's up, Heather. What's that? / Jesus: The House of Valois won the Hundred Years War. It ended when they ran the House of Plantagenet out of France. In, uh, 1453. / Jesus: What's all that noise in the background? Did you get arrested? Oh. This is kind of a waste of your "one phone call". http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=457 |
| Tastes Just Like It - LITJ 458 | Text: What's your favorite mixed drink? / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Everclear and, uh...is Everclear and Jack Daniel's a mixed drink? / [[Elmo speaks.]]
/ Elmo: Colt 45. Works every time. / [[Robitussin speaks.]]
/ Robitussin: Mix one shot of cherry vodka and one shot of root beer schnapps. Tastes just like...well...me. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=458 |
| Multiple Choice - LITJ 459 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Hmm...that's a good question. Both are good choices. / Charlie: On the one hand, the first choice promotes political stability, and a degree of economic stability not seen since the 1980's. / Charlie: On the other, the second choice would normalize relations with most of the Eastern Hemisphere, with limited tariffs for all. / Charlie: So, to answer your question, I guess I would barbeque Mary-Kate. Ashley would probably be too boney. There. I said it. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=459 |
| Put Some Stank On It - LITJ 460 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: It takes two to make a thing go right... / Heather: ...it takes two to make it outta sight. / [[Heather stares.]] / [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Off-Panel: ...that doesn't explain why you punched those nuns.
/ Heather: Bitch needed to put some _stank_ on it.
/ Off-Panel: Loretta? Give me the taser. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=460 |
| Penny Water - LITJ 461 | [[Heather and Jesus speak.]]
/ Heather: ...I don't know, that sounds kind of socialist.
/ Jesus: I can't believe we're going to have to go over this again. / Jesus: "Socialist" doesn't mean "stuff I don't like". Seriously. / Jesus: "Gossip Girl"? Not socialist. "Transformers 2"? Again, not socialist. / Jesus: ...so, no, Rolling Rock beer is not "socialist".
/ Heather: But it tastes like pennies mixed with club soda! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=461 |
| It's A Metaphor, Stupid - LITJ 462 | [[Jesus speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Off-Panel: Are you pro-healthcare reform?
/ Jesus: Let me quote My word for you. / Jesus: "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' / Jesus: "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:34-40 / Off-Panel: So...you want us to feed naked prisoners with swine flu? That doesn't really answer the question.
/ Jesus: Father, give Me strength. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=462 |
| Happy Smallpox Giving - LITJ 463 | Text: A Special Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Happy Thanksgiving, to you and yours. Enjoy the turkey. / [[Robitussin speaks.]]
/ Robitussin: No this shit _again_. I refuse to participate. / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: In the words of our pilgrim forefathers..."Want some blankets?" http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=463 |
| No Baseball Bats In Golf - LITJ 464 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Would I hit Tiger Woods with a golfclub? Well, it depends. / Charlie: If I were young, white, blonde, and married to him...it's complicated. / Charlie: I don't know what I'd do. What path I would follow. / Charlie: Probably the driver, followed shortly by the nine iron. Maybe get some putter action. Do they use baseball bats in golf? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=464 |
| Sparkly Vampires - LITJ 465 | [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Well? Do you want to take any of that back? / Heather: Hmm... / Heather: No. I'll cap that Mormon whackjob if I can. _For the good of the nation._ / From Off: You can't just kill Stephenie Meyer!
/ Heather: She write rape-fantasy port about gay vampires!
/ From Off: That's not a good enough reason!
/ Heather: Well, it should be. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=465 |
| Crazy Fang-Like - LITJ 466 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Sparkly vampires? I hate sparkly vampires. / Charlie: I see them, all running around all over the place, doin' stuff.... Vampires and werewolves and stuff, all trying to kill or fuck each other. Maybe in that order, maybe not. / Charlie: Like that guy, on the T.V.? Vampires aren't supposed to be sparkly, they're supposed to be scary. All crazy fang-like. / From Off: Dude, that's Donny Osmond. You're watching _Dancing with the Stars_.
/ Charlie: No, no. He's a vampire. Let me get my flamethrower. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=466 |
| The Cocker Movement - LITJ 467 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: ...so, you know, it's a _fair_ question. The people have the right to know. _The right._ / Heather: Look, it's not a big deal. Just show it to us. In public. With witnesses. / Heather: And if he won't? Well, I'll just have to go ahead and call him out for being the Marxist whackjob everybody was afraid of. / [[Heather and Jesus speak.]]
/ Jesus: What, exactly, do you want Obama to show us?
/ Heather: Duh. His dangly parts. Mama wants some sugar.
/ Jesus: Sure. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=467 |
| Burn The Library Card - LITJ 468 | [[An intoxicated Heather speaks to Jesus.]]
/ Heather: Dude, you're like the Steward of Gondor, man...
/ Jesus: What? / Heather: Old, drunk, and possessed by an uncontrollable urge to set myself on fire? / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus turns his back to Heather.]]
/ Jesus: If you don't put that lighter away, I'm going to break your legs.
/ Heather: It's cool, man
/ Jesus: No. No, it's not. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=468 |
| Roman Politics Circa 83 B.C.E. - LITJ 469 | [[An intoxicated Heather speaks to Jesus.]]
/ Heather: No, really...you're just like Lucius Cornelius Cinna and Gnaeus Octavius before the Senate. / Heather: Really? You're gonna have to explain that one. I'm not sure I get it. / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus turns his back to Heather.]]
/ Heather: I got nothin'.
/ Jesus: I'm taking away your library card. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=469 |
| DON'T MISS CHRISTMAS - LITJ 470 | [[Heather, far in the background, speaks.]]
/ Heather: Whoa...where the hell am I? / Heather: The last think I remember was...uh...Hall and Oates? / Heather: C'mon, Heather, _think..._ This is the second weekend in a row, you know what you're doing. / Heather: Maybe if I can find my pants I won't miss Christmas. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=470 |
| Morphine Sulfate - LITJ 471 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Goddamn, my head is killing me.... C'mon, Heather, _think_. / Heather: We were doing tequila shots, and then Jesus got out the beer bong, and Charlie got out the weed bong... / Heather: _bleh_ / Heather: Why does everything taste like morphine sulfate? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=471 |
| Nowhere - LITJ 472 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: This is freaking _weird..._ Where is everybody? / Heather: Also, where is my house? Or, uh, anything else? / [[Heather stares.]] / Heather: I gotta lay off the tequila. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=472 |
| Striptease For The Pope - LITJ 473 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Okay, guys, this isn't funny...where the hell am I? / [[God speaks to Heather.]]
/ God: So, uh...hey.
/ Heather: God, where are all my friends?
/ God: You're alone.
/ Heather: Oh. / Heather: Does this "alone-ness" have anything to do with the ttime I tried to do a striptease for the Pope, only I ended up getting smashed on Listering and took a dump on a Sinead O'Connor recored? Because I think I can explain that. / God: I don't think so.
/ Heather: You see, it was because I had been drinking _all day_
/ God: You don't say. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=473 |
| No Choice At All - LITJ 474 | [[God speaks to Heather.]]
/ God: Heather, I hate to be the one to break this to you... / God: ...you're dead. / [[Heather thinks for a second.]] / Heather: Do I get a choice in the matter?
/ God: Not really, no. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=474 |
| I Once Got Busy In A Taco Bell Bathroom - LITJ 475 | [[God and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: How did I die? / God: Well, it's a long story... / [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: I could've _sworn_ I had three pounds of morphine under my bed... / [[God and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: Really? I always thought I'd die doing something stupid.
/ God: Injecting more than three pounds of stolen morphine in a Taco Bell bathroom?
/ Heather: Sounds about right. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=475 |
| Under The Sink - LITJ 476 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Wow...I can't believe I died in a Taco Bell bathroom. McDonald's, _maybe._ Anything but Taco Bell. / Heather: So, uh, what's next?
/ God: I dunno, man, you tell me. / [[Heather stares.]] / Heather: I think I wet myself.
/ God: It's all good. There's a box of Depends (r) under the sink. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=476 |
| Corporate Sponsorship - LITJ 477 | [[Heather talks to God.]]
/ Heather: Where did you say the adult diapers were?
/ God: The Depends(r)? They're under the sink. / Heather: What's with the weird "r" symbol after the word "Depends"? / God: I don't know(c) what you're(r) talking about(tm). / Heather: Now you're just fucking with me.
/ God: Yeah. I figure, why stop just because you're dead? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=477 |
| Drinking Games Of The Gods - LITJ 478 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Wow...now that it's all over...what's the point, God? I mean, why is, uh, _everything?_ / God: That's a good question. But there's an even better one you _should_ be asking. / God: And that is: why not? / God: Because this one time, Nyarlathotep and I were doing tequila shooters...
/ Heather: You need to learn when to stop your stories, God. Back up a sentence and try again. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=478 |
| He Probably Lost A Bet - LITJ 479 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: So, this is it? Just me and you, for eternity? / God: Mostly, yeah. Sometimes there's cake. / God: But mostly just this. / Heather: Why? This doesn't sound well thought out at _all._
/ God: Let me give you some advice: _never_ drink tequila with an Outer God.
/ Heather: You'd think that would be obvious... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=479 |
| The Drugs You Take - LITJ 480 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Well...I tried to live a good life. / Heather: I was a pretty good person. But, you know what they say... / Heather: "The love you take is equal to the love you make." / God: How about all the drugs?
/ Heather: "The drugs you take are equal to the drugs you make"? I don't know anything about pharmaceutical manufacturing.
/ God: I see. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=480 |
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