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| Capitalism - LITJ 391 | [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Your name, ma'am?
/ Heather: What?
/ From Off: I need your name, ma'am-
/ Heather: Why? / Heather: I'm sick and tired of everybody collecting information on everybody else so that they can sell something to them. / Heather: Whatever it is you're... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=391 |
| The Unrapture - LITJ 392 | [[The "Letters to Christ" logo.]]
/ Text: How are we gonna survive this financial crisis? / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Look, I don't have any answers for you. I've done everything I can to keep you monkeys from slitting each others' throats. / Jesus: Here's a hint: stop giving money to the fat,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=392 |
| Financial Crisis 2: Financial Crisises - LITJ 393 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I have a solution to the financial crisis! / Heather: First, we round up all the bankers, stock traders, and mortgage guys. Then, we go to the hardware store and buy kerosene, padlocks, and chains. / Heather: We put all these guys in a room, and lock the doors. Then,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=393 |
| An Abomination - LITJ 394 | [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Any questions?
/ Heather: Yes. / Heather: If the beginning of this, the moments in between, these stolen seconds taken from the glory of God and destroyed in His Sight, become that which cannot be..._an abomination._ Like in that Dune book I took... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=394 |
| The President Of Canada - LITJ 395 | [[Heather and Jesus speak.]]
/ Jesus: What, now?
/ Heather: I'm the Kwisatz Haderach. / Jesus: And what exactly is the Kwisatz Haderach? / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus turns to leave.]]
/ Heather: ...the president of Canada?
/ Jesus: That's it. I'm taking away your library... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=395 |
| Litany Against Fear - LITJ 396 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. / Heather: Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. / Heather: I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
/ From Off: Heather have you seen- WHAT THE FUCK?! / [[Heather turns to... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=396 |
| Hobbits And Handcuffs - LITJ 397 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: One Ring to rule them all. / Heather: One Ring to find them. / Heather: One Ring to bring them all... / [[Jesus appears in the background.]]
/ Heather: ...and in the darkness, bind them. _Rawr._ The safe word is "hobbit".
/ Jesus: GIVE ME THE LIBRARY CARD. NOW. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=397 |
| This Mortal Coil - LITJ 398 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: To be, or not to be. That is the question. / Heather: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles... / Heather: And by opposing, end them. / From Off: One more time: where are your... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=398 |
| Please Heather Don't Hurt 'Em - LITJ 399 | [[Heather does something off-panel. Jesus watches.]]
/ Jesus: Hey, what're you-
/ Heather: Busy.
/ Jesus: Is that blood?
/ Heather: Yes. / Jesus: Are you gonna-
/ Heather: Nope. / [[Jesus stares at Heather.]] / Jesus: Living with you is always an adventure.
/ Heather: Could you pass me the cha... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=399 |
| PTSD - LITJ 400 | [[Jesus does something off-panel, while Heather talks to him.]]
/ Heather: How was your Easter?
/ Jesus: I don't celebrate Easter.
/ Heather: Why? / Jesus: Let's say that somebody nailed you to a post, naked, in the middle of the desert. _For three days._ Then some asshole stabs you with a spear,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=400 |
| More Coffee, Always - LITJ 401 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: You've got PTSD?
/ Jesus: Yeah.
/ Heather: What are your symptoms? / Jesus: Eh, nothing as bad as some of the Iraq War vets are coming home with. Panic attacks, cold sweats, and I have some trouble sleeping. / Heather: When was the last time you got a good... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=401 |
| Kettle, Meet Pot - LITJ 402 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: You haven't slept in 2000 years?
/ Jesus: It's not as bad as it sounds. / Heather: You, uh, might want to get help for that. Like, from a psychiatrist, or something. / Jesus: Heh. / Heather: What's so funny?
/ Jesus: Oh, nothing. Still taking your medication?
/ Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=402 |
| She Solved The Mystery - LITJ 403 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: _If I could save time in a bottle...the first thing that I'd like to do_ / Heather: _Is to save every day 'till eternity passes away..._ / Heather: _Just to spend them with you_ / From Off: That's not "time", it's whiskey.
/ Heather: Huh. I guess that solves the... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=403 |
| Error: Truth Not Found - LITJ 404 | [[Charlie and Heather speak.]]
/ Charlie: So, I got a job.
/ Heather: Oh, yeah? Doing what? / Charlie: Telephone fortune teller.
/ Heather: That sounds like a fun job. / Charlie: Yeah, I guess. I get to lie to people all day, and they _pay_ me for it. / Heather: Who're you working for?
/ Charlie:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=404 |
| Hope Management - LITJ 405 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Heather: You're a phone psychic, huh? What's the job like? / Charlie: It's not bad. When people call, I talk to 'em for a few minutes, to try and figure out what kind of person they are. / Charlie: I figure out what they want to hear, and that's what I tell them.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=405 |
| Grandma's Cough - LITJ 406 | [[Text on a blank background.]]
/ Text: A Special Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[More text; Heather appears very small underneath.]]
/ Text: Last week, the Discovery Channel debuted a new documentary titled "Cocaine Nation".
/ Heather: That's what I call my living room. / Text: Although quite... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=406 |
| It Really Isn't A Ride - LITJ 407 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: So let me get this straight: the ride only costs about two bucks?
/ From Off: Well, it's not exactly-
/ Heather: 'Cause that's a _deal_, in my book. / Heather: Can I get the premium version?
/ From Off: Ma'am, I don't-
/ Heather: I expect a lot for my entertainment dollar,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=407 |
| Thus Spoke Dr. Phil - LITJ 408 | [[Jesus is doing something off-panel, while Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Whatcha doing?
/ Jesus: A crossword puzzle. / Jesus: Nietzsche wrote "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", right?
/ Heather: Uh, _no._ She works at the Cinnabun, down at the mall. / Jesus: Excuse me?
/ Heather: LaNeesha Jackson, right?... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=408 |
| The Gay Science - LITJ 409 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: LaNeesha isn't a philosopher.
/ Jesus: It's not LaNeesha, it's _Nietzsche._ / Jesus: Friedrich Nietzsche was a nineteenth-century German philosopher, who wrote several famous works like "Beyond Good and Evil",and "The Will to Power". He wrote his most famous... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=409 |
| I Am Totally Not Sorry - LITJ 410 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: LaNeesha. / [[Heather stares.]] / Heather: _LaNeeeesha._ / [[Text appears, with Heather very small beneath.]]
/ Text: I'm so, so sorry.
/ Heather: Ha! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=410 |
| More Conviction - LITJ 411 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I want to apologize for my behavior last week. / Heather: I am fully aware that Nietzsche is not a fat woman who works at the mall. I'm not sure why I repeatedly mistook the 18th century philosopher for a Cinnabon employee. / [[Jesus appears in one corner.]]
/ Jesus:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=411 |
| Thoughtcrime As Torture - LITJ 412 | [[Text on a blank background.]]
/ Text: An Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Jesus small, below.]]
/ Text: Last week, Jesus threatened to torture Heather if she did not apologize for past idiotic behavior.
/ Jesus: It sounds bad when you say it like _that._ / Text: Our position is that... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=412 |
| 37 Is Totally Gay - LITJ 413 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: What do I think about Proposition 8? It's complicated. / Heather: First, I don't think that numbers should be propositioning anybody, much less the state of California. / Heather: I don't know 8 all that well, but 5 is a complete whore and 37 needs to learn how to... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=413 |
| Terminal Idiocy - LITJ 414 | [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Heather? Yeah, she's got some problems. / Jesus: Her stupidity, uh, _problem_ seems to be getting worse. I don't know how much time she has left before terminal idiocy sets in. / Heather: Palin-Limbaugh 2012! / Jesus: Oh, God, it's _begun._ Where's my cattle prod? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=414 |
| Netflix, WoW, And Cocaine - LITJ 415 | [[Text on blank background.]]
/ Text: What is best in life? / [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women! That and Netflix. / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Soloing Kel'Thuzad with my level 80 Death Knight. / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=415 |
| Salsa, Sour Cream, Blood, And Screaming - LITJ 416 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: I _love_ burritos. / Charlie: I slather them with salsa and sour cream. And that first bite... / Charlie: The only thing I don't like about burritos is all the blood and screaming. / From Off: You mispronounced "prostitute". Again.
/ Charlie: You're right, I'm sorry.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=416 |
| Big Mac Attack - LITJ 417 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese... / Heather: ...pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. / From Off: Excuse me?
/ Heather: To go. / From Off: Ma'am, I'm not sure I can help you.
/ Heather: This isn't McDonald's?
/ From Off: This is a funeral home.
/ Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=417 |
| It's Wax - LITJ 418 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: You know, I've always wondered what the gooey stuff inside lava lamps is. / Heather: It's a mystery. / [[Heather stands silent. A small voice comes from off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Wait a minute... / [[Heather leaves.]]
/ Heather: I'm outta here.
/ From Off: What's all... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=418 |
| A Bar In Poland - LITJ 419 | [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Heather: Knock, knock!
/ From Off: Who's there? / Heather: Potatoe.
/ From Off: Potatoe who? / Heather: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
/ From Off: What? / Heather: Damnit, I knew I was gonna screw this up. Let me try again. A priest, a rabbi, and... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=419 |
| Hookers In Disguise - LITJ 420 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: You know those, uh, toys that turn into something else? Man, I loved playing with those when I was a kid. / Charlie: You'd push a button, twist some stuff, and bam! A whole different toy. / From Off: Transformers?
/ Charlie: No, that's not it... / Charlie: Oh, yeah,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=420 |
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