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| Mayonnaise - LITJ 181 | [[Steve One speaks.]]
/ Steve One: Hey, Steve...I wonder...what's life really all about? What's the reason for existence? / Steve One: Is there a meaning to it all? And if so, what is it? Why are we all here? / [[Steve Two speaks to Steve One.]]
/ Steve Two: *Mayonnaise*.
/ Steve One: What?
/ Steve... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=181 |
| What's Going On - LITJ 182 | [[Steve One thinks to himself.]]
/ Steve One: Oh, L. Ron Hubbard, tell me what the meaning of life is! / [[Jesus runs into Steve One.]]
/ Jesus: Hey, Tom!
/ Steve One: My name's not Tom.
/ Jesus: Have you managed to completely fuck up your kid yet?
/ Steve One: What? / Jesus: Look, I know that you're... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=182 |
| The Website's Back Up - LITJ 183 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I've been asked to apologize to you, the reader, for the recent downtime on our website. Who the hell knows why they wanted _me_ to do this...the only thing I know about the Internet is that it has porn. / Heather: See, I got trashed on Listerine and Grape Robitussin... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=183 |
| Joining The Club - LITJ 184 | [[Heather talks to someone off panel.]]
/ Unknown: Any questions?
/ Heather: About the rules? I know all about the rules... / Heather: The first rule is, uh, that you're not supposed to talk about the club. The second rule is the same as the first. / Heather: I'm pretty sure that the third rule... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=184 |
| He Did Love Sausage - LITJ 185 | [[Charlie sings to himself.]]
/ Charlie: My bologna has a first name...it's O-S-C-A-R. / [[Jesus comes up behind Charlie.]]
/ Charlie: My bologna has a second name...it's W-I-L-D-E.
/ Jesus: Uh...that doesn't sound right. / Charlie: Why? I thought Oscar Wilde _loved_ sausage. _Loved it._ _Loved... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=185 |
| Just A Side Effect - LITJ 186 | [[God speaks.]]
/ God: So, you wanna know why I created the Universe? Just about everybody asks Me that, but they don't really want to know. / God: Basically, I get bored pretty easily. This one time, I got so bored that I got drunk and played around in the lab. You wanna know what happened? I... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=186 |
| It Has The Same Name - LITJ 187 | [[Jesus speaks to God, while a walrus looks on.]]
/ Jesus: What the fuck, Dad?! What is your malfunction? *A walrus?!* C'mon, man...
/ Walrus: Aroo? / Jesus: Just tell me, Dad. Answer me. Do you love the walrus more than you love me?
/ Walrus: Arararoo! Aroo. / God: Well, Son, the walrus came... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=187 |
| There's A New Savior In Town - LITJ 188 | [[God and the Walrus talk.]]
/ God: Awww...who's My walrus? _Who's My walrus?_
/ Walrus: Aroo? / God: Don't worry about, uh, My Son. He'll come around. Eventually.
/ Walrus: Araroo? Aroo. / God: Wanna be the Savior of All Heaven and Earth? _*zap*_ Done. _Who's My Walrus?_
/ Walrus: Aroo! / [[Jesus... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=188 |
| He's Cooking Again - LITJ 189 | [[Jesus and the walrus talk.]]
/ Jesus: I don't like you, walrus.
/ Walrus: Aroo? / Jesus: I'm smarter than you, and I can _totally_ kick your ass.
/ Walrus: Aroo? / Jesus: What do you have to say to that, huh? Can you smell what the Christ is cooking? Can you? I can. / [[The walrus stands over... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=189 |
| Shut Up And Help - LITJ 190 | [[Heather finds Jesus laying on the ground.]]
/ Heather: Oh God, what happened to you? Are you all right?
/ Jesus: A walrus kicked my ass. / Heather: A...walrus? Is all of this blood yours?
/ Jesus: Most of it. Is it still out there? Is it safe? / Heather: Let me get you a doctor...
/ Jesus: ... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=190 |
| Not Rocket Science - LITJ 191 | [[Heather talks to Jesus, who is lying on the ground.]]
/ Heather: So...what happened?
/ Jesus: It's not fucking rocket science. Goddamnit. / Jesus: You wanna know what this whole universe is? One great big walrus cage. For real. God didn't make humans, bug ass magnets did. / Jesus: God made... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=191 |
| A New Lesson - LITJ 192 | [[Jesus talks to God.]]
/ Jesus: All right, Dad. I get it now. This is a lesson in humility. / God: That's right. For I amd the Lord, Your God, and You shall have No Other Gods before Me. / God: Just remember: I'm motherfucking _God_, motherfucker. This entire universe exists only because I... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=192 |
| The Tables Turn - LITJ 193 | [[Jesus and the walrus talk.]]
/ Jesus: Now, I know we've had our disagreements.
/ Walrus: Aroo? / Jesus: I'd like to think that we've grown beyond such...petty differences.
/ Walrus: Araroo. Aroo? / Jesus: I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.
/ Walrus: Aroo! / [[The now-intoxicated walrus... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=193 |
| Dangers of Mixing Walruses - LITJ 194 | [[Captions appear in the middle of the panel. The walrus stands below them.]]
/ Caption: In the last comic, the so-called "punchline" involved a walrus intoxicated on cough syrup.
/ Walrus: Aroo? / Caption: Though amusing, the dangers of mixing walruses and cough syrup are only too real.
/ Walrus:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=194 |
| You Can't Blame Him - LITJ 195 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Jesus: You know what my favorite snack is? _Twinkies._ I love Twinkies. / Heather: You know what I love? Do you? / [[Heather pulls out her gun.]]
/ Heather: _Guns._ / Jesus: Are...are you _robbing me?_
/ Heather: No.
/ Jesus: You can't blame me for asking.
/ Heather:... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=195 |
| Ketchup Packet - LITJ 196 | [[Heather talks to something on the floor.]]
/ Heather: What's that? Is it..._time?_ / Heather: But...but the stars are not yet aligned! Mercury and Saturn are not yet in the second house! We have not had time to sacrifice the Holy Goat! / Heather: No, Master. I am not questioning your Holy Authority.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=196 |
| This Is Why - LITJ 197 | [[Heather sings.]]
/ Heather: This is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot. / [[A little smoke appears around Heather.]]
/ Heather: This is why- This is why- This is why I'm hot. / [[More smoke appears. Somebody yells to Heather from off-panel.]]
/ Heather: I'm hot 'cause I'm fly.
/ Anonymous: No you're... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=197 |
| Grosser Than Gross - LITJ 198 | [[Jesus and Heather talk.]]
/ Heather: You remember playing "what's grosser that gross" when you were a kid? So, what's grosser than gross? / Jesus: Anal warts. / Jesus: Wanna see? / Heather: You, sir, have managed to stab my childhool in the face _yet again._
/ Jesus: I had my last colonoscopy... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=198 |
| Grosser Than Gross II - LITJ 199 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Heather: What's grosser than gross? / Charlie: Jesus' anal warts. / Charlie: Wanna s-
/ Heather: If you say "wanna see", I'm going to disembowel you. / Charlie: Uh...care to observe?
/ Heather: I hate you and everything you represent.
/ Charlie: Is that a "yes" or... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=199 |
| Not Anymore - LITJ 200 | [[Cthulhu and Elmo talk.]]
/ Elmo: So, uh... / Elmo: ...yeah. / Elmo: Are you still high? / Cthulhu: NO.
/ Elmo: I'm outta here. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=200 |
| He Has Chosen - LITJ 201 | [[Cthulhu and Elmo talk.]]
/ Elmo: Ok, let's try this again. / Elmo: Try to focus your hatred for all life...use that hate to summon Father Dagon and Mother Hydra... / Elmo: Focus... ... / Cthulhu: I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU
/ Elmo: Let's try this again. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=201 |
| He's Dead, Jim - LITJ 202 | [[Negative Malcolm X and Elmo talk.]]
/ Negative Malcolm X: You were trying to do _what?_
/ Elmo: Bring about the end of all life in the universe. / Elmo: Once summoned, Father Dagon and Mother Hydra would destroy this world, using the lifeforce of all mankind to tear reality asunder. All that is,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=202 |
| That's Edgy - LITJ 203 | [[Heather and Elmo talk.]]
/ Heather: So, I heard you changed how you talk.
/ Elmo: Change the subject. / Heather: No more referrng to yourself in the third person, right?
/ Elmo: Drop it. Seriously. / Heather: No more starting every other sentance with "Elmo"? / Elmo: Elmo's gonna fuckstart your... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=203 |
| He'll Think About It - LITJ 204 | [[Charlie talks.]]
/ Charlie: People, they ask me..."Charlie, how di you get so _manly?_" "Just how do you _do_ it?" / Charlie: _*snort*_ / Charlie: Naw, I'm just fucking with you. / Charlie: Mostly, people just ask me to put my clothes back on. Once, this guy asked me to stop giving him a haircut.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=204 |
| An Exciting Story - LITJ 205 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Did I ever tell you about how I made out with this goat this one time? / Charlie: This one time, I went to this party, and I got really drunk. After polishing off a bottle of ouzo I ended up making out with this goat. / [[Charlie stares.]] / Charlie: It's not a very... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=205 |
| His Bad Habits - LITJ 206 | [[Elmo and Robitussin speak.]]
/ Robitussin: I heard that you stopped referring to yourself in the third person.
/ Elmo: Yeah. / Robitussin: So what's next? / Elmo: Elmo's gonna shoot morphine into both of Elmo's eyeballs. Elmo wants to get _high_. / Robitussin: But--
/ Elmo: Sorry, I'm still... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=206 |
| Just Roll With It - LITJ 207 | [[Negative Malcolm X and Elmo speak.]]
/ Negative Malcolm X: Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetary. / Negative Malcolm X: Power never takes a back step - only in the face of more power. / Negative Malcolm X: Nobody... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=207 |
| He'll Be Just Fine - LITJ 208 | [[Jesus and God talk.]]
/ God: Hey, Son?
/ Jesus: I'm a little busy right now, Dad... / God: Do you happen to remember where I put Stevie Wonder? / Jesus: Did you look out in the garage?
/ God: Yes, and I checked the living room and the den. / Jesus: I don't know what to tell you, Dad.
/ God: Oh,... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=208 |
| Busted - LITJ 209 | [[God and Heather speak.]]
/ God: Umm...Heather?
/ Heather: Yeah? / Heather: Oh, it's _You._
/ God: Yeah. Have you seen Stevie Wonder wandering around? I seem to have misplaced him and a couple of other people. / Heather: Other people?
/ God: Well, person. I lost track of Pat Robertson, too. ... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=209 |
| We Shall Praise Him - LITJ 210 | [[Heather sings to herself, while Pat Robertson comes up behind her.]]
/ Heather: _Rollin' down the street, Smokin' endo, Sippin' on gin and juice, With my mind on my money and my money on my mind_
/ Pat Robertson: Excuse me! / Heather: Pat Robertson?
/ Pat Robertson: Young man, I am completely lost.... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=210 |
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