You're browsing the archives of Leave It To Jesus.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| In The Beginning - LITJ 1 | Mom: Jesus, Grandpa's here to talk about the birds and the bees! Don't tell him I'm drunk. / Grandpa: See, Jesus, when a man and a woman love each other, they like to touch each other. Sometimes, though, things get a little rough, and then a hooker has to die. / Grandpa: Make sure that you wear a hat, and watch out for the bees. I have never seen a bird, but I have been fucked up by bees. They can drive cars. / Jesus: Bees...dead hookers...got it.
/ Grandpa: Your mother's drunk again, isn't she?
/ Mom: Let's do jello shots! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=1 |
| I Feel Like Superman - LITJ 2 | Jesus: My name's Jesus, and I'm addicted to crack cocaine. It makes me feel like superman. / Jesus: I think about it all the time.
/ [[Jesus dreams about smoking crack.]] / Jesus: I've been sober for at least 20 minutes, and I feel good about it. Ready for anything.
/ Heather: Hey! Jesus! / Heather: I got an ounce of crack, two lighters, and a pipe with Your name on it. For real.
/ Jesus: Ready to get real fucking high. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=2 |
| What A Wonderful World - LITJ 3 | Jesus: And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.... The colors of the ranbow, so pretty in the sky.... / Jesus: So yesterday I catch mom dry humping this walrus. / [[Mom humping a walrus.]]
/ Jesus: I'm all like, "Bitch, Dad is gonna be pissed!", and she's all like, "But he loves, me!", and then I smote the walrus. / [[Closeup of Jesus.]]
/ Jesus: "The Lord shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed." Deuteronomy 28:35 I shoulda said some shit about walruses too. Those fuckers are slick, and are made from pure evil and mayonnaise. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=3 |
| Fun Bible Facts - LITJ 4 | [[Jesus raps.]]
/ Jesus: Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms. / Jesus: I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around!
/ Nixon: Word!
/ Walrus: Bling bling! / [[Nixon brandishes a 9mm.]]
/ Nixon: G.O.P. in tha muthafuckin' house. Don't make me bust my gat yo. I'll use it I swear.
/ Jesus: West Side! / [[Text on a blank panel.]]
/ Narrator: What the fuck is going on? This doesn't make any sense. I guess I could put a picture of a midget being set on fire by a goat. I tried to find a good picture of a got on Google and failed. So, pretend there's a goat here. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=4 |
| God Hates You - LITJ 5 | Jesus: You know what time it is? It's time to smell what the Christ is cookin'! / Haldeman: What the hell are you talking about? You can't cook. You don't even know how to work the stove. And, before you say anything, crack doesn't count. / Jesus: "And the cooking pots in the Lord's house will be like sacred bowls in front of the altar." Zechariah 14:20 I'm making tacos for dinner. / Haldeman: Sacred tacos?
/ Jesus: Sanctified. With sour cream. Make a run for the border, bitch. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=5 |
| Mea Culpa - LITJ 6 | Jesus: Nixon! Whassup! How you doin', man?
/ Nixon: Fo shizzle, my nizzle! / [[Nixon brandishes a gun.]]
/ Nixon: Big money pimpin', yo! Like B.D.P., my nine millimeter goes wa-da-da-da-dang! It takes a nation of millions to hold us back. / Jesus: So, what's with the gun?
/ Nixon: I gotta have my nigga's back. So, if tha shit goes down, I can bust my gat and peel some caps back. Bitch. / Jesus: So you're a fucking idiot.
/ Nixon: Word.
/ Heather: Hey! I'm the fucking idiot around here! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=6 |
| Whoops, I Did It Again - LITJ 7 | Jesus: I went to the movies and say "The Passion" last weekend. / Jesus: It's pretty close ti wgat reakky happened. They left out some parts, though. / [[Peter looks for his sword.]]
/ Jesus: Peter, you will deny me three times.
/ Peter: Deny THIS, motherfucker. Where the hell is my sword? Dumb bastard's got a God complex. / Jesus: Peter had some problems getting with the program. He'd get drunk and fuck ANYTHING that moved. Kind of explains the Catholic Church, now. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=7 |
| Too Stupid To Care - LITJ 8 | Nixon: Hey...wait up! / [[Nixon brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Nixon: Give me your wallet, bitch! Don't make me bust a cap in your ass!
/ Phil: Aw, man... / Phil: We've been through this. You've robbed me six times. Today.
/ Nixon: *bling bling*
/ Phil: I don't have any more money. / [[Nixon puts the gun away.]]
/ Nixon: What if I'm too stupid to care? I'm a bad motherfucker.
/ Phil: Fuck this, I'm outta here. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=8 |
| We're Gonna Be Rich - LITJ 9 | Heather: I got the BEST idea this morning, after my coffee. We're gonna be RICH. / Heather: First, we get high. Then, we go downtown and talk to a man named Tyrone. We will purchase large quantities of drugs, and then we will purchase malt liquor. / [[Heather begins slowly falling over backwards.]]
/ Heather: Tyrone will supply the drugs, and a party store will supply the malt liquor. Then, we get FUCKED UP, and piss on ourselves, and fall asleep in the park. / [[Heather continues falling over backwards.]]
/ Jesus: How is that supposed to make us rich>
/ Heather: SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am SO fucking high. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=9 |
| Red Is My Favorite Flavor - LITJ 10 | [[Text on a blank panel.]]
/ Text: A Public Service Announcement From The Cast Of Leave It To Jesus / [[Heather stands next to a giant Robitussin box.]]
/ Heather: Hi. My name's Heather. I'm here to tell you about Robitussin, and what it can do to your brain. / Heather: If you're like me, you have elves that live in your head and tell you to drink Robitussin.
/ [[Jesus speaks from off-panel.]]
/ Jesus: Oh, shit. C'mon, man! / [[Heather bends down to pick up a bottle of Robitussin off the floor.]]
/ Heather: Hey, can I take a pull off that 'tussin? Ooo...red is my FAVORITE flavor.
/ Jesus: The judge is NOT gonna buy this! You wanna go to jail? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=10 |
| The First Rule of Robitussin Club - LITJ 11 | [[A giant Robitussin box floats in the air.]]
/ Robitussin: What's the first rule of Robitussin Club?
/ Heather: DON'T TALK ABOU ROBITUSSIN CLUB. / Robitussin: And the second rule?
/ Heather: Don't talk about Robitussin Club.
/ Robitussin: And the third rule?
/ Heather: If it's your first night, you HAVE to get fucked up. / Robitussin: The fourth?
/ Heather: EVERY NIGHT IS YOUR FIRST NIGHT.
/ Robitussin: And the fifth rule of Robitussin Club? / Heather: There is no spoon. Chug-a-lug, bitch.
/ Robitussin: You shall be My Prophet. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=11 |
| I Think I Found God - LITJ 12 | Heather: I think I found God.
/ Jesus: Oh yeah? Where's He been? / Jesus: Seriously, that bastard isn't returning my phone calls. / Jesus: I keep leaving messages with the main, and I want my fucking money.
/ Heather: But... / Heather: Let me rephrase that: I'm gonna start worshipping Robitussin.
/ Jesus: Oh. Got it. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=12 |
| Smite Your Loins - LITJ 13 | Robitussin: You wanted to talk?
/ Jesus: Umm...yeah. Who are you and where did you come from? / Robitussin: I am a physical manifestation of Robitussin, and the Power of DM. This is the day the Cough Syrup hath made, let us rejoice and get high in it. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Jesus: Look, this is MY neighborhood. I don't wanna hurt you. "Smite the loins of those who rise up against him." Deuteronomy 33:11 / Robitussin: You're going to kick me in the balls?
/ Jesus: Basically.
/ Robitussin: That's harsh.
/ Jesus: The King of Kings is a BAD motherfucker. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=13 |
| I Think I Love You - LITJ 14 | Jesus: "Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him." 1 Kings 3:16 / Jesus: "They cast lots for my people and traded boys for prostitutes; they sold girls for wine that they might drink." Joel 3:3 / Nixon: Dude, you're gay?
/ Old Man: He's TOTALLY gay. / Jesus: "When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay unconvered inside his tent." Genesis 9:21
/ Nixon: I think I love you.
/ Old Man: I'll get the K.Y. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=14 |
| Fearless Leader - LITJ 15 | Heather: Fearless Leader! Where are you? I need you.
/ Jesus: Hey! / Jesus: Have you seen a giant floating bottle of Robitussin?
/ Heather: Not recently. / [[Jesus brandishes a pistol.]]
/ Jesus: "This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head." 1 Samuel 17:46 / [[Jesus leaves to search for Robitussin.]]
/ Jesus: I've got a reputation to uphold. There can be only one.
/ Heather: Can I drink the corpse?
/ Jesus: No. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=15 |
| I Only Love You For Your Money - LITJ 16 | Robitussin: Hey there, boys and girls! I am your Lord and Savior!
/ [[Jesus speaks from off-panel.]]
/ Jesus: Ahem. / [[Jesus points his pistol at Robitussin.]]
/ Robitussin: I am NOT the Lord or Savior.
/ Jesus: ...and?
/ Robitussin: I can't cure cancer.
/ Jesus: Go on... / Robitussin: I won't increase the size of your penis, and I can't get you a great deal on a mortgage. I don't give head on the first date. I only love you for your money. / Jesus: Huh?
/ Robitussin: I was nowhere near the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. I have no hair.
/ Jesus: Wait... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=16 |
| In The Beginning... - LITJ 17 | [[An external view of the Milky Way galaxy.]]
/ Narrator: In the beginning, there was nothing. Not even donkeys. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's head.]]
/ Narrator: And then there were donkeys. And Cool Ranch Doritos. / [[A view of a cartoonish donkey's backside.]]
/ Narrator: And then the Mexicans invented donkey porn. / Heather: I don't think I like where this story is going...
/ Jesus: Shh! It's just getting good. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=17 |
| Homeland Security - LITJ 18 | Jesus: I've called you here today to discuss my new Homeland Security policy. America must be protected. / Jesus: It's based around Exodus 8:2. "Behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs." / [[Everyone stands around staring at Jesus.]] / Heather: So, you're gonna throw frogs at Mexicans?
/ [[Jesus speaks from off-panel.]]
/ Jesus: Basically, yeah. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=18 |
| Bad Apostle - LITJ 19 | Gat of the Lord: I am the Gat of the Lord, the Destroyer of Wickedness. "He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the Lord, the God of Israel, had commanded." Joshua 10:40 / [[Peter sees the G.O.T.L., and runs over to him.]]
/ Gat of the Lord: "He punishes them for their wickedness where everyone can see them." Job 34:26
/ Peter: Did that gun just talk? / Peter: "They called to Lot, 'Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so we can have sex with them.'" Genisis 19.5 You are so hot.
/ Gat of the Lord: What? / Gat of the Lord: click
/ Jesus: NO, PETER. BAD Apostle.
/ Peter: I think I love you. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=19 |
| Knock Knock - LITJ 20 | Heather: Knock, knock!
/ Jesus: Who's there? / Heather: Pope Benedict XVI! / [[Jesus and Heather stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus leaves.]]
/ Jesus: Fuck you.
/ Heather: You're supposed to say "Pope Benedict XVI who?" http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=20 |
| Enter the Pain Hat - LITJ 21 | [[A boy and girl wait at a bus stop.]]
/ Girl: How was your weekend?
/ Boy: I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and got born again! / Boy: I sad a little prayer, and then Jesus told me EXACTLY what to do! / [[The boy wears a hat with two electrodes and a light bulb on top. He has a disturbed look on his face.]]
/ Boy: I just had to wear the "pain hat" for sixteen hours!
/ < http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=21 |
| It's Not Candy - LITJ 22 | Jesus: C'mon...
/ Michael: I said no. / [[Jesus and Michael stare at each other.]] / Jesus: But I'm hungry!
/ Michael: I don't care. / Jesus: It looks like a giant Jolly Rancher!
/ Michael: You can't eat the glycerin soap. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=22 |
| Vicodin and Whiskey - LITJ 23 | [[Heather looks down at the floor.]]
/ Heather: Is that who I think it is?
/ Jesus: Yup. / Jesus: He showed up last night, completely wasted. Totally out of control.
/ Heather: Damn. / [[Elmo, visibly intoxicated and waving a pistol around.]]
/ Elmo: Welcome to Elmo's World! Bitch! / Heather: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
/ Jesus: Apparently, all you need is Vicodin and whiskey.
/ Elmo: Dorothy? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=23 |
| Sinless City - LITJ 24 | [[A large, metropolitan city at night.]]
/ Narrator: The big city. / [[A parking lot filled with trash. An abandoned and burned out car sits in the background.]]
/ Narrator: A million people. A million stories. / [[A large, run down building.]]
/ Narrator: Me? I'm just a man. The Son of Man. / [["Sinless City" appears in the top left of the panel, reminiscent of the "Sin City" logo. A run down tenement building is seen in the background.]]
/ Heather: Frank Miller is gonna kick your ass. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=24 |
| It Was A Dark And Stormy Night - LITJ 25 | [[The inside of the office door to "Jesus H. Christ: Private Investigator".]]
/ Narrator: I'm a private dick. Got a dirty job? I'm your man. / [[A chalk outline of a body on a sidewalk.]]
/ Narrator: But murder? That's not my thing. I'm no hitman. / [[A squirrel eats nuts from the hand of the chalk outline.]]
/ Narrator: Somebody had set me up. / [[Jesus, wearing a sterotypical private investigator hat.]]
/ Jesus: It was a dark and stormy night...
/ Heather: Fit another cliche in there. I dare you. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=25 |
| Made Out Of Meat - LITJ 26 | Heather: What's your position on video games?
/ Jesus: It's complicated. / Jesus: On one hand, any kind of violent or overly sexual media can be bad for children without proper parental supervision. We need to protect the children. / Jesus: On the other hand, killing people and robbing hookers is fucking awesome. God mode makes me hard. / Heather: I like to make cops go splat.
/ Jesus: I know. That's why I made them out of meat. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=26 |
| Anything Better - LITJ 27 | Heather: What the hell was up with the font in the last strip?
/ Jesus: Ahh...self-referential humor. / Heather: What?
/ Jesus: Self-referential humor is when something makes fun of itself. Like when you're in a comic strip and you make fun of the comic strip you're in. / Heather: Maybe the author couldn't think of anything good to write. / [[Blank panel, with the text appearing at the bottom right of the panel.]]
/ Text: ...fuck. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=27 |
| Fo Shizzle - LITJ 28 | [[An old, bearded man sits, looking at an old violin he holds in his hands.]]
/ Man: This was my father's violin.... His most prized possesion. / Narrator: His hands shook, and he took a deep breath / Man: Once, he took it to the bakery and played it for the baker, and asked for only a loaf of bread in return. When the baker refused I hit him on the back of the head with a hammer. We cleaned out the register. / Man: Dad knew how to PARTY. Fo shizzle.
/ Boy: Grampa? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=28 |
| Gerbils - LITJ 29 | [[A toaster.]]
/ Text: This is a toaster. It makes toast. / [[A gerbil.]]
/ Text: It is not a gerbil, because gerbils don't make toast. / [[A gerbil eating toast.]] / [[Another gerbil.]]
/ Text: A recent federal study, costing over three million dollars, has proven that gerbils are not made of toast. Their next focus of study will be to find out if ducks are really aardvarks in disguise. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=29 |
| Friends Only - LITJ 30 | [[Jesus types at his computer.]]
/ Jesus: Dear LiveJournal... / Jesus: This journal is "drama-free". No gossip, no drama, no name calling. / [[Jesus pauses at his computer.]] / [[Jesus resumes typing.]]
/ Jesus: Except for stuff about Nixon. He's a fucking bitch, and I hate him. I'm so emo. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=30 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 >>