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Bitter and Violent - LITJ 271 [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]] / Heather: Oh, honey, you look so cute that I kinda want to stab you. / From Off: Thank y- what? / Heather: I said, I think that you're really cute. And that makes me feel really insecure. I do not have issues with self-esteem, so much as I have a fucking self-esteem issue publishing factory. / Heather: I mean, hey, I know I look like Darth Vader. And not even a high-resolution Darth Vader, no, I'm all fucking blurry and shit. / Heather: So I get bitter when I drink. And when I get bitter, I get violent. / From Off: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. / Heather: And when I get violent, I go to I.H.O.P. / From Off: Ma'am, this is a carpet store.
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Strict Constructionist - LITJ 272 [[Jesus is doing something just slightly off-panel, with Heather in the background.]] / Jesus: I swear, if I have to bail you out of jail _one more time..._ / Heather: Oh, come on, I was well within my rights. / [[Jesus turns to speak to Heather, face-to-face.]] / Jesus: "Well within your rights"? / Heather: Yeah! / Heather: It's, like, in the Constitution. Or something. / [[Jesus turns back to whatever he was doing off-panel.]] / Jesus: Which amendment gives you the right to kill and eat lawyers? / Heather: ...the thirty seventh? / Jesus: I'm taking away your library card.
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Conflict Of Insects - LITJ 273 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Clarification From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Heather appears very small, below the text. She's drunk.]] / Text: Yesterday, we implied that it was legal to kill and eat lawyers. We also implied that killing and eating lawyers was a right granted to all Americans. / Heather: Dude... / Text: We were wrong. There is no thirty-seventh amendment to the Constitution, and the Constitution doesn't grant any citizen the right to kill and eat any other citizen. / Heather: I'm so, so sorry. / Text: Shut the hell up. You know our lawyer reads this comic, right? / Heather: It's like a con...con...conflict of insects.
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Love Hurts - LITJ 274 [[Heather, uh, sings.]] / Heather: If I had a hammer...I'd hammer in the morning. / Heather: I'd hammer in the evening...all over this land! / [[Charlie's voice comes from off-panel, on the bottom.]] / Heather: I'd hammer out danger! If hammer out a warning! / Charlie: Ugh...wha...what the hell? / Heather: I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters! Can't you feel the love? / Charlie: Did...did you just hit me with a hammer? / Heather: Yeah, well, love hurts.
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The Wrong Word - LITJ 275 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: So, I heard you hit Charlie with a hammer? / Heather: Who, me? / Jesus: Yeah. / Heather: It was an, uh.... What's that word? / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / Heather: Uhhh... / [[Charlie appears far in the background.]] / Jesus: Accident? / Heather: No, that's not it. / Charlie: Does somebody wanna help me clean up all this blood?
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Secular Healing - LITJ 276 [[Heather sings, while Jesus comes up behind her.]] / Heather: _When I get that feeling, I want secular healing_ / Heather: _Wake up wake up wake up wake up. Let's make love tonight_ / Jesus: Okay. / Heather: You'll note that I asked for "secular" healing. / Jesus: I've got six Ecstasy pills, two gallons of run, and three tubes of K.Y. / Heather: I'm in.
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Popular Opinion - LITJ 277 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: Marvin...Gaye? / Jesus: Yeah. / Heather: Are you sure? / Jesus: Yeah. / Heather: I don't know, man... / Heather: You're _got_ to be joking... / Heather: I could have _sworn_ his name was Marvin Homo. / Jesus: Well, you know how everybody calls you stupid? / Heather: What does _that_ have to do- _Oh._ / Jesus: Yeah.
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Attentive Primates - LITJ 278 [[The "Letters to Christ" logo, along with a short letter.]] / Letter: Jesus, Why? Please, just tell me...why? / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: You really want to know? Are you sure? Trust me, it won't change anything. / Jesus: All right, you asked for it: "Because there's more than one." That, and "it doesn't have a forehead". / Jesus: Nope, I'm not going to explain it. I gotta keep you monkeys on your toes.
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Wrong - LITJ 279 [[A picture of a cat attempting to have, uh, "relations" with a dog. Text appears below it. / Text: You're doing it wrong. I said "kiddie porn", not...oh, nevermind.
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Political Comic 2 - LITJ 280 [[The "Letters to Christ" logo appears above a handwritten letter.]] / Letter: Jesus, are you a Democrat or a Republican? / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: That's an excellent question. The Democrats believe that government should work to make people's lives better. Government must be big enough to meet the needs of the people. / Jesus: The Republicans favor a smaller government. The less the government interferes with the individual, the better, which is part of the reason why I'm proud to call myself a conservative. / Jesus: Of course, the real reason why I'm a Republican is that those cats know how to _motherfucking party._ Gay sex, pederasty, lobbyist money, and all that righteous indignation? Just grease me up and point me at Mike Huckabee. _Rawr._
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ASBR Part 1 - LITJ 281 [[Bruce Wayne sits at a table with papers in front of him. His room is dirty and tattered. His shadow looks like Batman.]] / Bruce: (thinking) Needs more beastiality. / Caption: This is the story of Bruce Wayne, the poor son of some guy that did some stuff. Wasn't he supposed to be a doctor or some shit? Anyway, Bruce Wayne is an author. More specifically, he the author of an epic poem about Harrp Pottey fucking William Shatner and a midget. It is the latest work in his book series "Harry Potter and the Romulan Butt-Plug of Doom", consisting of over 300 seperate works. His genius, however, has yet to be discovered...and the rent is due! There must be some way to get paid. / [[Bruce speaks to an old lady.]] / Caption: First, our hero tries his hand at selling drugs to old women. / Woman: I'm gonna get so fucking high that I'm going to hump every single piece of furniture in the goddamn house. / [[Bruce speaks to a sweating, bearded man. They each hold a grey cylinder.]] / Caption: He tries his hand at selling small, grey cylinders to sweaty, bearded men. / Man: Who the fuck is Harry Potter? Will he sell me a grey cylinder? He better not try to hump me, or, you know, lick me or something. / [[Bruce clutches his writings to his chest, while he cries.]] / Caption: Nothing seems to work! / Bruce: No one likes my Harry Potter-Margret Thatcher BDSM-necrophilia-fantasy fan fiction!
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ASBR Part 2 - LITJ 282 [[Batman is, uh, "burgling" when he's surprised by someone.]] / Caption: He decides to dress up like Batman and break into houses! / Batman: (thinking) Na na na na na na na na na na *Batman!* / [[Batman pulls out his axe and threatens a young women.]] / Caption: Our hero is caught! His only options: either face arrest and possible jail time, or kill this chick with an axe. A sharp axe. / Batman: (thinking) Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na *Batman! Batman! Batman!* / [[Batman swings the axe, looking rather disturbed.]] / Caption: He decides that the woman's hat must die. A few swings of the axe should fix that. / [[Batman runs down a whole bunch of stairs.]] / Batman: (thinking) Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na / Caption: He escapes by running down a fuckton of stairs. This is a metaphor for...uh, something. I am an incompetant author. / [[Batman, now at home, lies on his ugly green couch.]] / Caption: Soon, our hero is back on the green couch, giving it a seriously hot and heavy humping, when suddenly... / Sound Effect: Knock! Knock! / From Off: Mail call! / [[A smartly dressed man is at Batman's door. He hands him a letter.]] / Caption: Our hero has received a letter! / Man: Here's your mail, mister...hey, why are you dressed up like Batman? / Batman: I'm the *goddamn* Batman, Alfred!
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ASBR Part 3 - LITJ 283 [[Bruce Wayne undresses.]] / Bruce Wayne: Rollin' down the street in my '64. Jockin' the bitches, slappin' the hoes. Went to the park to get the scoop. Knuckleheads out there cold shootin' some hoops. The boyz in the hood are always hard. Keep talking that trash, they'll pull your card. / [[Batman stands on a rooftop with his axe.]] / Caption: The letter was from the Joker, threatening to poison the city's water supply. Our hero must act to save the city! / Batman: (thinking) I wonder why the Joker kept calling me "resident". / [[Batman knocks on a door.]] / Caption: Soon, he reaches the Joker's secret lair. Our hero knocks on the door. / Batman: (thinking) The Joker lives in a log cabin? / [[An old woman answers the door. Batman hands her a gift.]] / Batman: Here, have this brick with a string around it. / Woman: Why the fuck are you dressed like Batman? / [[The old woman examines the gift, while Batman comes up behind her with the axe.]] / Woman: I'm going to unwrap this brick, and if you're still here when I'm done, I'll stab you. / Batman: (thinking) I don't seem to remember the Joker being an old woman. / [[Batman strikes the woman on the head with his axe.]] / Caption: Our hero throws all doubt to the wind and strikes! The Joker must pay for all his past crimes...*with blood!* / Woman: *Oh, snap!* / [[Batman rummages through the woman's belongings.]] / Caption: Quickly, our hero rummages through the Joker's belongings, searching for clues. Well, clues and money. / Batman: (thinking) Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na *Batman!*
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ASBR Part 4 - LITJ 284 [[Batman talks to a police officer at a desk.]] / Caption: Soon... / Batman: Uh, you called, officer? / Policeman: Holy shit, the boys were right! You look just like Frank Miller in a crappy Batman costume! It's uncanny! / [[Batman fills out a form with a quill pen while the policemen watch.]] / Caption: Our hero decides to file for a concealed weapon while he's at the police station. He gets all the paperwork together, but the fear of the unknown haunts him.]] / Batman: (thinking) Who the hell is Frank Miller? Does he hate me? Will he give me money? / [[Batman falls over backward.]] / Caption: Suddenly, our hero begins breakdancing uncontrollably! Get loose! / Policeman: Bust a move! / [[The policemen watch Batman as he leaves the station.]] / Caption: Though known to appreciate a slew of phat beats and smooth moves, the police refuse to change their opinion of him. / Policeman: Look, if Frank sees you running around like that , he'll cut you. / Batman: (thinking) Who the hell is Frank Miller?! / [[Batman stands out in the street; a horse and carriage heads to run over a man while a woman looks on.]] / Caption: Outside, our hero spots Frank in the street, about to be run over by a hourse and carriage, for some reason. Yeah, fucking horses. / Carriage Driver: Get out of the way! These horses are all hopped up on goofballs! / Man: Whores! / Woman: No, no, Frank, they're _horses._ God. / [[Batman holds the dying man in his arms.]] / Caption: With Frank Miller dying on the street, our hero acts! He'll try to save Frank the only way he knows how: sodomy! / Batman: We'll go back to my place, drink some wine, and then I'll break out the lube. / [[Batman runs off with the man in his arms while a policeman looks on.]] / Batman: Don't worry, officer! I'll have him back by midnight! But if we're a little late, don't tell my mom.
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ASBR Part 5 - LITJ 285 [[Batman stands in a darkened door. A female (!) Robin stands inside.]] / Caption: Later that same evening, Bruce shows up at Robin's house, drunk and looking for tail. That, and money. / Batman: Robin! So I was at the police station and they told me that I look like this guy Frank Miller and then I saw Frank Miller getting ran over by this horse so I had sex with his corpse and I swear I didn't buy any meth. / [[Robin cries.]] / Robin: Lies! You smell like nail polish remover. / Batman: Holy shit! You've got tits! I could've sworn that Robin was a guy, but it's been a while since I've read any comics. / Robin: Did you save me any? / [[Batman begs for forgiveness from Robin.]] / Caption: Our hero begs forgiveness from the Boy Wonder! His irrational fear of the unknown makes him cranky. / Robin: I can't believe I left the trailer park for you! / Batman: I mean, I've never even heard of Frank Miller! I'm the *Goddamn Batman!* / [[Batman and Robin continue to talk.]] / Batman: (thinking) Wait- does "goddamn" have two d's? Or does it have only one? Christ, I wish I had paid attention in English class. Not that they would have taught me how to spell profanity in high school. / Batman: I'm only beating you 'cause Alfred gave you a burger. / Robin: Who the hell is Alfred? Also, I'm a vegetarian. / [[Batman points to a Bible sitting on a table.]] / Batman: (thinking) I mean, my school was liberal but not that liberal... / Batman: Is this a dictionary? Does it have curse words in it? / [[Robin explains.]] / Robin: No, that's a Bible. In fact, it's your Bible. You used to read it all the time, and masturbate to the really dirty parts. That was before the Batman fetish. Before crystal meth. When we were happy. / Batman: Uh, yeah, sure. Could you look up the word "goddamn" for me? / [[Robin reads to Batman.]] / Caption: And so Robin reads random words from the Bible to our hero, hoping to help free him from his crippling addictions to crystal meth and Batman themed pornography. Our hero listens, as it may be his only hope to escape from Frank Miller! / Robin: Um, yellow...goat...rock...the! And...was...donkey...donkey...fire...nostril...dung!
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ASBR Part 6 - LITJ 286 [[Batman and Robin talk.]] / Caption: Our hero struggles with difficult theological concepts: what is the nature of God? Is God even real? / Batman: Rock the yellow goat?? Set the donkey's nostril on fire with dung? What does any of this stuff even mean? I'm starting to think that God doesn't even know who Frank Miller really is. / Robin: There's no shame in having to wear adult diapers, Bruce. / Batman: Also, I killed the Joker. In the face. With an axe. I am so fucking hard. / Robin: *Let me see!* / [[Robin rushes to restrain Batman.]] / Robin: Bruce, the Joker isn't real! You're not really Batman! Stop threatening the neighbors! / Batman: I'm the *Goddamn Batman!* / [[Batman recalls his murder of the Joker; he attacks the Joker with an axe.]] / Caption: "I received a letter threatening the city's water supply from the Joker. I put together the clues and discovered the location of his secret hideout. I did not intend to kill him. I intended to simply arrest him, and turn him over to the authorities. When I entered I tried to be calm and civil. Only the Joker somehow turned into a woman, and that freaked me out. A lot. / [[Robin stares at Batman as he talks.]] / Robin: (thinking) He's completely insane. / [[Batman's axe is covered in blood as he swings it.]] / Caption: "And then I remembered all those kids the Joker killed that one time. And all those kids that one time with the cotton candy and the gimp? That was fucked up. How the fuck could you let something like that live? And that's about when I swung the axe. Fuck that motherfucker in his stupid, stupid face. Even if he's a chick. I mean, what the hell was that? Where'd he get the tits? For that matter, where did you get tits? Anyway, fuck the Joker. I'm the goddamn Batman." / [[Robin grips Batman's hand as tears roll down her cheeks.]] / Batman: The Joker had about thirty-seven dollars in his dresser drawer. That and a passport for someone named "Abigail Moscowitz".
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ASBR Part 7 - LITJ 287 [[Batman and Robin speak.]] / Caption: Soon... / Batman: Robin! I need you to give me some bling, before I turn myself in. / Batman: I don't regret killing the Joker. He was a creepy clown guy who killed a whole bunch of people and had the fashion sense of a color blind retard on ecstasy. But, what I just don't understand, what really keeps me up at night is this: who the hell is Frank Miller, and why does everybody want the two of us to hump? Goddamnit, I can't even spell *goddamn Batman!* / [[Robin embraces Batman, with tears in her eyes. Batman is wearing a gold cross necklace.]] / Robin: Here's a gold chain! If anybody asks, I'm going to tell them you're the plumber. / Batman: *There!* Now, if Frank Miller is a vampire, I'll be ready! / [[Batman walks off into the sunset, with Robin looking on.]] / Caption: Robin watches him for a moment, and then returns home to change all the locks. And probably move. He might come back. / Batman: (thinking) I refuse to let my fear of Frank Miller control my life! I mean, sure, there was that one time I got drunk and humped his corpse, but he might have healed from that by now! Maybe he lives at McDonald's, in the playland, beneath the ball pit, and he licks the balls in the ball pit. All the balls. Every. Single. Ball. That's nasty. / [[Batman walks into the police station.]] / Caption: The safest place to hide from Frank Miller is prison, so our hero kills a hobo with a wiffle bat and a jumbo curling iron. Christ, that's fucked up. I don't even want to think about it. Yuk. / [[Batman pulls off his mask in front of the astonished cops.]] / Caption: Then... / Batman: I just killed a hobo. Also, I humped the corpse of Frank Miller. Oh yeah! I also killed the Joker. / Caption: And so the secret origin of Batman is finally revealed! Next month: *Nazi Whores!*
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A True Fan - LITJ 288 [[Jesus appears, far in the background.]] / Jesus: Is...is he gone? / [[Jesus gets closer.]] / Jesus: I want to tell you, right off the bat, that the Batman comics were not my idea. / Jesus: Well...the stuff about Frank Miller wasn't my idea. The Harry Potter fan fiction, though? That was all me. / [[Heather appears far in the background, shouting.]] / Heather: The Dork Christ returns! / Jesus: Shut the hell up.
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One True Pair - LITJ 289 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: I'm _not_ a dork. / Heather: Oh yeah? / Heather: What's your favorite Harry Potter OTP? / Jesus: Well, right now I'm really into Snape and- / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus walks off.]] / Jesus: Fuck off. / Heather: You are _such_ a dork.
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Invisible Military - LITJ 290 [[Jesus speaks to Heather, who's off-panel.]] / Jesus: Hey! Heather! Where are you headed off to? / [[Heather appears far in the background.]] / Heather: It's, uh, a really, really long boring story that can basically be compressed down to the phrase "I tried to kill the Pope with a harpoon gun, so now I have to run to Mexico to hide from the Vatican military". Did you know that the Vatican has a military? 'Cause they do, much like the way that weird picture of the cat that wants to has a cheeseburger, only it's not an invisible military, it's a real military with guns and anti-harpoon shields. / [[Heather turns and sees something.]] / Heather: FUCK! NUNS! / [[Jesus turns to talk to Charlie.]] / Jesus: Charlie! Wasn't it your turn to babysit? / Charlie: I can't watch her every second, man. Even _I_ have to sleep occasionally.
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Role-Reversal - LITJ 291 [[Jesus and Charlie talk.]] / Jesus: Where do you think Heather went? / Charlie: I haven't the faintest idea. / Jesus: Let me think... / [[Pope Benedict speaks to Heather, who's off-panel.]] / Pope: No, Heather..._I am your father!_ / [[Heather speaks to the Pope, off-panel.]] / Heather: That's not true! That's impossible! / [[Jesus and Charlie speak.]] / Jesus and Charlie: Midnight showing of _Empire Strikes Back_ at Lakeside Mall! / Charlie: I'll go get my car keys.
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Moby Dementia - LITJ 292 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Let me get this straight... / Heather: The Pope is my father? I thought it was midi...mitochon...midichlorians? Mexicans? Fuck if I know. / From Off: Ma'am... / Heather: I mean, I'm not even a Catholic! I'm a Protestant. / From Off: Can...can you put down the harpoon gun? / Heather: Call me Ishmael. / From Off: You have the right to remain silent...
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Fast Food Savior - LITJ 293 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Do I believe in God? What is that, a trick question? / Charlie: Son, I believe in a lot of Goddamn things. I believe in Jesus Christ. Mostly because I saw him yesterday at a Burger King, but that's beside the point. / Charlie: Like any red-blooded American, I believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. / [[Heather appears far in the background.]] / Charlie: How you define "happiness", however, is up to _you._ / Heather: Rohypnol, lime jello, and Crisco twister! / Charlie: That'll do, pig, that'll do.
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Leviathan - LITJ 294 [[Heather is mostly off-panel, doing something off the lower left corner. Jesus comes up behind her.]] / Jesus: Heather? / Heather: Mhmm? / Jesus: We need to talk. / Jesus: I know you're angry. I know you're hurt. It's perfectly normal to feel all these things, in a sitution like this. / Jesus: But the Pope didn't do anything to you. At least, not directly. You have to put down the harpoon gun, and just...just walk away. / Heather: SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER / Jesus: He's not a Moby Dick! / Heather: WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE / Jesus: He's not even a whale!
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Death To False Metal - LITJ 295 [[Jesus speaks to someone off-panel.]] / Jesus: It's getting worse, Doctor. She's foaming at the mouth, and she won't stop screaming heavy metal lyrics. / Off-Panel: Have you tried- / Jesus: I've tried everything you suggested. She's just not getting _better._ / Off-Panel: I don't know what to tell you. / Jesus: Look, I'm a member of the Secret Black Sabbath Fan Club. Are there any..._unorthodox_ treatments you could prescribe? / Off-Panel: Password? / [[Jesus looks around, to make sure that's he and the doctor are alone.]] / Jesus: "Death to false metal". / Off-Panel: Try force-feeding her some valium. And, uh, you're going to have to play Iron Maiden's "Somewhere in Time" for her three times a day for the next two weeks, okay?
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Political Comic 3 - LITJ 296 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Quick Reenactment of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's "Text Message Scandal". Jesus will be playing the role of Mr. Kilpatrick, Heather will be playing the role of the Detroit Police, and Robitussin will be, uh, "lawyers". / [[Jesus talks to Heather.]] / Caption: 2003 / Heather: So, uh, we heard that you had this wicked party at the Mansion? With, like, strippers and stuff? / Jesus: Never happened. / Heather: Well, see, one of the strippers got murdered, so we thought we might, you know, investigate it. / Jesus: You're fired. / Heather: See you in court. / [[Jesus talks to Robitussin.]] / Caption: 2007 / Robitussin: You lost the civil case, Mr. Kilpatrick. We won $6.5 million in damages. / Jesus: I'm innocent! We'll appeal. / Robitussin: While we were doing post-trial stuff, we found records of some of your text messages... / Robitussin: Quote, "Oh, baby, I can't wait to get you all greased up and into the clown suit-" / Jesus: How about I give you $8.4 million of the city's money? Is that enough? / Robitussin: That'll do, yeah.
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Tacos And Tequila - LITJ 297 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: So, yesterday, I was eating at a restaurant, and this guy asks me, "Do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?" / Charlie: I said, "No." He said, "Well, then I'll pray for your soul." / Charlie: That's just not necessary. / Charlie: Here at "Bob's Little Fiesta Bar and Grill", I accept Jesus as my waiter, and, on Saturday, as my bartender. Salvation's not really his thing, it's mostly tacos and tequila.
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Retleh Retleks - LITJ 298 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Once upon a time I liked the Beach Boys and I thought that they liked me. / [[Negative Malcolm X comes on the scene.]] / Charlie: Then I fell in love with the Beatles. / Negative Malcolm X: Paul is dead. / [[Jesus replaces Negative Malcolm X.]] / Charlie: The Beatles are bigger than Jesus. / Jesus: Praise L. Ron! / [[Negative Malcolm X speaks.]] / Nagative Malcolm X: You should listen to the White Album backwards. / Music: RETLEH RETLEKS
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When He Was Young - LITJ 299 [[Heather speaks to Jesus, who's doing something off-panel.]] / Heather: I guess the Pope's in town. / Jesus: Yeah. / Heather: Are you gonna- / Jesus: No. / [[Heather and Jesus sit in silence.]] / Heather: You're gonna have to let the "Hitler Youth" thing go, man... / Jesus: _* grumble* Vicar of Christ my fucking ass_
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Caught By The Spam Filter - LITJ 300 [[Heather and Charlie talk. Jesus comes up far in the background.]] / Heather: So, I says to her, I says- / Jesus: WAIT! / [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / From Off: What? / Jesus: *huff* *huff* Don't...don't start without me. / Heather: Don't start what? / Jesus: This is the three hundredth comic. / Heather: What? / Jesus: It's a major milestone for any webcomic. It shows we have staying power. / Heather: This is a...comic strip? / Jesus: Didn't you get the memo? / Heather: I gotta start checking my spam folder...
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