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Morgan Freeman - LITJ 331 [[Charlie and Heather speak.]] / Heather: The Electric Company? / [[Two silhouettes face each other.]] / Face 1: D / Face 2: Og / Face1 & Face 2: Dog / Face 1: Fuh / Face 2: Ker / Face1 & Face 2: Fucker / [[Charlie and Heather speak.]] / Charlie: No, the guy who comes and takes the magnet off of our meter every month. / Heather: He doesn't look anything like Morgan Freeman. / Charlie: No. No, he doesn't.
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What The Problem Is - LITJ 332 [[Charlie speaks to someone off-panel.]] / Charlie: I don't see what the problem is. / From Off: It's simple... / From Off: Our records show that you currently owe $600 on your electric bill. / Charlie: I sent you guys- / From Off: Yes, yes, we got your package. / From Off: You are aware that you can't use fecal matter to pay for...well..anything. / Charlie: Did you get the note? I said- / From Off: Yes, our lawyers should contact you soon.
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Something Really, Really Bad - LITJ 333 [[Jesus is doing something. Charlie speaks to him from off-panel.]] / Charlie: Jesus? Can I ask you for a favor? / Jesus: What? / [[Charlie speaks. Jesus speaks from off-panel.]] / Charlie: I...I need to borrow some money. / Jesus: Well- / Charlie: I owe $600 to some very, very bad people. If I don't pay them off by Friday... / Charlie: ...something very very bad will happen. / [[Jesus and Charlie speak.]] / Jesus: Who? / Charlie: The electric company. / Jesus: But, but, that means- / Charlie: No more Internet porn. / Jesus: I'll write you a check.
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One Count Of Armed Robbery - LITJ 334 [[Heather speaks.]] / From Off: What? / Heather: I think you heard me. / Heather: I want you to go in the back, and get all the money, and put it in a bag. / Heather: This is a robbery, you understand? Now, gimme all the money or I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass. / From Off: Ma'am... / From Off: This is a mall information kiosk. We don't have any money. / Heather: Then put, like, six or seven cases of those mall maps in a bag, and some of those promotional pencils. / From Off: Security?
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The Immortal Eyebrow Of God - LITJ 335 [[An intoxicated Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Well...uh. _creamed..._it...it's gotta be fucking _creamed..._ / Heather: For unknown and arcane reasons, it requires the source...the source of all the chakras of the Whole Earth Lifeforce Being which tastes like three week old buffalo wings dipped in monosodium glutamate and garlic. God looks upon this, and laughs. / Heather: The immortal eye of God calls out to me and offers itself to my euebrows, willingly and without malice. _Without malice._ And that, my friend, is why it must be what it is, what it shall be, and what it once was. / From Off: Okay, one more time. What. Do. You. Want. On. Your. Pizza? / Heather: Creamed- / From Off: _Domino's won't put creamed corn on a pizza!_ / Heather: Are you- / From Off: _Yes, I'm fucking sure._
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High-Priced Sugar Water - LITJ 336 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Um, gimme two bean burritos, a pintos and cheese, and a soft taco. / From Off: Excuse me? / Heather: Before you ask, no, I don't want anything to drink. / From Off: Well, ma'am- / Heather: I don't want any of your high-priced sugar water! A big cup of soda costs, what, a couple of dollars? I could make that shit at home for pennies on the dollar! / From Off: Ma'am, this is a correctional facility. / Heather: I know! Taco Bell makes the best burritos. / From Off: Hit her with the Taser again.
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Wireless - LITJ 337 [[Text on blank background. Heather appears below the text, very small.]] / Text: A Public Service Announcement from _Leave It To Jesus_ / Text: Tuesday, we implied that American correctional facilities use Tasers on inmates. As far as we know, this is not true. / Heather: I've been a bad, bad girl. / Text: Today's correctional facilities use things like pepper spray and batons, which are kind of like Tasers, only they're wireless, don't require batteries, and have a built in "rumble" feature. / Heather: Take my word for it, the "multiplay" feature sucks. / Text: So, no, we don't electrocute people in our prisons. We just douse them in caustic chemicals or beat them with sticks. / Heather: It's just like home, only I'm not allowed to order Chinese take-out.
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Lemon Pudding - LITJ 338 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: So there I was, naked, covered in lemon pudding, and holding a copy of _The Layman's Guide to Practical Veterinary Medicine._ / [[Charlie stares.]] / [[Charlie stares.]] / Charlie: I know it's not a very good story, but it's true. _You_ were the one who wanted to know what I did last weekend.
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Paint Thinner - LITJ 339 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: _Leave It To Jesus_ Political Affiliations Disclosure / [[Robitussin speaks.]] / Robitussin: I'm a card-carrying Libertarian. I believe in freedom, individuality, and completely un-electable candidates. / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: I'm not going to vote this year. I will make my voice heard by remaining completely silent. / [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Who am I going to vote for? I don't know. Why vote for the lesser of two evils when you can get wasted on paint thinner and vomit on somebody at the bus stop?
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Bad Jokes - LITJ 340 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a plate? / Charlie: Uh, I dunno. / Heather: A tyrannosaucer. / Charlie: That's....wow. / [[Charlie pulls out a gun.]] / Charlie: What happens when you shoot an idiot in the face? / Heather: What? / Charlie: I don't know, but we're about to find out.
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Butter Flavored Politics - LITJ 341 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: What political party do I belong to? I don't. / Charlie: I'm not a Democrat, and I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Libertarian, Socialist, Communist, nor do I belong to the Green Party. / Charlie: I don't like to put labels on my political leanings. My beliefs are complex and nuanced, and can't be summed up in one small, simple word. / Charlie: Basically, I'll vote for anyone who'll decriminalize drugs, Crisco Twister, and drugged Crisco Twister. Mmmm...butter flavor.
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Piggy Love - LITJ 342 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. / [[Charlie thinks.]] / [[Charlie thinks.]] / Charlie: It's a beautiful, sexy pig. A tasty, _hot_ little pig. _Sexy._ Uh, what was I saying?
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They're Not For Kids - LITJ 343 [[A man speaks to several people around him.]] / Man: It just doesn't make any sense. / Man: So whay if they say that "Trix are for kids". / Man: It's fucking _weird_. / Man: And I'm still not sure if gettinga prostitute for your five year old is exactly _legal..._
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Cthulhu 2008 - LITJ 344 [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Who am I going to vote for? Good question. / Jesus: I'm a fiscal conservative. Render unto Caesar what is Caesers, and all that. When it comes to social policies, though, I'm as liberal as they come. / Jesus: As far as I can see, there's only one candidate that supports just about everything I hold dear. / Jesus: And that's why I'm announcing my endorsement of Cthulhu for President of the United States. If we're going to trash the environment, economy, and society, let's do it right.
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Condiments - LITJ 345 [[Jesus talks to Cthulhu.]] / Jesus: What's your policy on the environment? / [[Silence.]] / [[Silence.]] / Cthulhu: Needs ketchup. / Jesus: Sure.
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Hot Sauce And Paprika - LITJ 346 [[Cthulhu and Jesus talk.]] / Cthulhu: BAIL OUT BAD / Cthulhu: BANKS BAD / [[Silence.]] / Cthulhu: ADD HOT SAUCE AND PAPRIKA. MUCH BETTER / Jesus: Okay.
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Everything Everywhere - LITJ 347 [[Cthulhu and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: What are your foreign policy plans for the future? / Cthulhu: KILL AND EAT THEM / Jesus: And your domestic policy plans? / Cthulhu: KILL AND EAT EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE / Jesus: Clear...concise...are you sure you're not a Republican? / Cthulhu: NO
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They Taste Bad - LITJ 348 [[Cthulhu and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: If elected, how will you handle the financial crisis? / Cthulhu: SHOOT BANKERS / Jesus: And eat them? / Cthulhu: NO / Cthulhu: EVIL TASTES LIKE SHIT / Jesus: Ah.
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What If They Both Want To Kill You? - LITJ 349 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Public Service Announcement From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text on a blank background, with Heather, very small, underneath the text.]] / Text: For the last two weeks, we've featured Cthulhu and his bid for the Presidency of the United States of America. / Heather: Whooo! Let's take the White House in '08! / Text: Recently, however, one fact has been brought to our attention: Cthulhu, although being a three hundred foot tall Great Old One, whose wrath is neverending and whose hunger is limitless, is not actually running for President. / Heather: What? But...who am I supposed to vote for now? / Text: Maybe somebody who doesn't want to kill you? / Heather: You're not fun anymore.
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Not Really A World Tour - LITJ 350 [[The "Letters To Christ" logo, with a letter beneath it.]] / Letter: If you were in a rock band, what would you name it? / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Jesus and the Christ Tones. We would play doo-wop covers of dirty limericks. / [[Robitussin speaks.]] / Robitussin: I hate rock and roll. I only listen to bluegrass, classical music, and commercial jingles. / [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Your mom. And I would go on world tour _every single night._
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Full Metal Jacket - LITJ 351 [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]] / From Off: Do you have anything to say for yourself? / [[Heather thinks.]] / [[Heather continues to think.]] / Heather: Me so horny, me love you long time? / From Off: You have the right to remain silent...
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Lunchtime Revelations - LITJ 352 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: So, uh- / Heather: WHY, NO, I DON'T KNOW WHO SET THE CAT ON FIRE! WHO WOULD GO AND DO SUCH A THING? IT JUST MAKES ME SICK! / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other in silence.]] / [[More staring.]] / Jesus: I was going to ask you what you wanted for lunch, but... / Heather: Damnit. / Jesus: You get the mop, I'll call the fire department.
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Panic In Detroit - LITJ 353 [[Jesus and Charlie talk.]] / Charlie: Have you seen Heather around? / Jesus: No, why? / Charlie: I got hungry for some Moo Goo Gai Pan, and Heather volunteered to go pick some up. / Jesus: Oh my God. / Charlie: What? / Jesus: Did you let her use your car? _When did she leave?_ / [[Heather appears far in the background.]] / Charlie: I dunno, half an hour or- / Heather: RUSH HOUR ROLLER DERBY! / Jesus: Let me get my tranquilizer gun. / Heather: PANIC IN DETROIT!
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Heather Has A Hobby - LITJ 354 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: I'm going to ask you one more time. / Heather: I want one unopened bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup, three ounces of ketamine, two live gerbils or one live gerbil and one dead gerbil, "My Little Pony"-themed pornography, and one half gallon of melted Velveeta processed cheese food. / From Off: Well, why- / Heather: I told you, I need it for religious purposes. / From Off: And what religion would that be? / Heather: The Church of...Ketamine, Ketchup, My Little Pony, And Melted Cheese. / From Off: What are the gerbils for? / Heather: Everybody has to have a hobby.
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A New Lifestyle - LITJ 355 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Jesus: So, I heard you found a new church. / Heather: No, no... / Heather: That's not quite the right word. / Jesus: What? Church? / Heather: It's not a church, it's a _lifestyle._ / Jesus: How is "ketamine, ketchup, ponies, and cheese" a lifestyle? / Heather: It just is. / Jesus: Are you sure? / Heather: _Maybe._
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He'll Do It, Too - LITJ 356 [[Jesus and text on a blank background.]] / Text: Jesus says... / Jesus: VOTE OR I'LL FUCKING CUT YOU! / Text: If you're an American, it is both your duty and your responsibility to go out and vote today. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for. You could go out and cast a vote for Pat Robertson's nutsack for all I care. Just go out and vote or I will show up at your house at three o'clock in the morning with a handgun, a puppet, and three gallons of butter-flavored Crisco.
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Election Day Experiences - LITJ 357 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: Election Day Experiences / Jesus: I had absolutely no problem voting. I had to wait in line for twenty minutes or so, but that wasn't too bad. / Charlie: We were supposed to vote? Like, for what? / Heather: I am not allowed to vote because I am a convicted felon. However, that did not stop me from trying to vote. The police officer with the Taser did that.
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The Special Sauce - LITJ 358 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: So, your guy won the election, huh? You think things are gonna change? / Charlie: _Nothing_ is going to change. _Nothing._ / Charlie: Mayor McCheese isn't doing anything about the rampant homeless problem, and don't even _ask_ about all the damn Fry Guys whacked out on Special Sauce... / Charlie: What? Who did you think I was talking about?
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Fallout 3 - LITJ 359 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Special Message From The Author / [[More text. Heather appears very small below.]] / Text: I want to apologize for the lack of quality in today's comic. / Heather: Why? / Text: Normally, I spend hours researching and writing the comic, but something's come up this week. / Heather: What? Did somebody die? I bet somebody died. / Text: It's called Fallout 3, and I'm sorry that it's taking up all my free time. I'll have better comics next week. / Heather: Ah, video games. The crack cocaine of our generation.
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Mocha Latte To Go - LITJ 360 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Can I get that with two sugars, three creams, and some whipped cream? / From Off: Uh...well...that is... / From Off: Ma'am...um...well... / From Off: ...are you sure you know what a "colonoscopy" is? / Heather: No, but I would like another piece of wax candy. / From Off: Those are suppositories.
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