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Let's Get A Physical - LITJ 361 [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]] / Heather: Look, I just came in for a physical. / From Off: And what, exactly, do you mean by that? / Heather: What kind of question is that? I'm not stupid. / Heather: They told me I needed a physical to get that job, so let's get this over with. / Heather: So, where's my copy of Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical"? / From Off: Uh, ma'am- / Heather: I can take CD, 8-track, and vinyl, but no tapes. My tape player's broken. / From Off: Please leave.
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Erotic City - LITJ 362 [[The "Letters to Christ" logo, with text.]] / Text: Jesus, are you against gay marriage? / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Look, I can't be any clearer on the subject than I already have. Everybody should have the right to marry anybody else. / Jesus: "Right now three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 / Jesus: Love your neighbor as yourself. And if your love requires lubrication, a dildo, or leather chaps? Roll with it. It's fine by me.
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A Special Message - LITJ 363 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Special Message From Mainstream Christianity / [[Text, with Jesus appearing very small below.]] / Text: Tuesday's comic inferred that Jesus was not against gay marriage. / Jesus: Inferred? Are you sure you guys can read? / Text: In fact, Jesus says absolutely nothing about homosexuality throughout the entire New Testament; his words are neither pro- or anti- gay. / Jesus: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39) "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." (Luke 6:36) / Text: We would like to think that, if Jesus were around today, he would say that marriage is only between a man and a woman. / Jesus: And I would like to think that people would worry more about how they treat each other and less about who other people fuck. I can dream, can't I?
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Astroglide - LITJ 364 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Special Thanksgiving Message from Leave It To Jesus / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Uh, wasn't Thanksgiving last week? / [[Robitussin speaks.]] / Robitussin: I hate Thanksgiving. I hate turkey, as I do all poultry. / [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: I'm thankful for astroglide, friends, family, methadone...uh...did I mention astroglide?
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Lube Up The Gimp - LITJ 365 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Special Thanksgiving Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Thanksgiving was last week. Seriously. This is stupid. / [[Robitussin speaks.]] / Robitussin: As much as I hate to admit it, Jesus is right. For once. / [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Hold on. Is Thanksgiving the holidy where the whole family lubes up a gimp, and then- oh. Nevermind.
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No, It's Not - LITJ 366 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: A Special Thanksgiving Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: What. The. _Fuck?_ / [[Robitussin speaks from off-panel.]] / Robitussin: I'm leaving. / [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: I'm pretty sure it's not Thanksgiving any more. I mean...well...uh...well, maybe...nope, it's not Thanksgiving.
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Wilford Claus - LITJ 367 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Are you sure? / From Off: Um, yes, ma'am. / [[Silence.]] / Heather: I, mean, they look almost _identical._ / From Off: Ma'am, I'm fairly certain that Wilford Brimley is not Santa Claus. / Heather: _Diabeeeeeetus._
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All-New Superhero - LITJ 368 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: Leave It To Jesus Presents An All-New Superhero: Cancer Man! / [[Blank.]] / [[Blank.]] / [[A voice comes from off-panel, bottom.]] / Text: * cough, cough * / Caption: Next week: Funeral Director Man!
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Choose Choice - LITJ 369 [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]] / Heather: What? No. I don't think so. / From Off: Well- / Heather: Look, a woman's right to choose is important. / Heather: I'm not going to let you, or anybody else, take that away from me. Attica! Attica! / From Off: Put. Your. Pants. Back. On. / Heather: We're here, we're queer, get used to it! / From Off: I'm calling the police.
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She Commands It - LITJ 370 [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]] / Heather: Fuck. / From Off: No. / [[Silence.]] / [[Silence.]] / Heather: _C'mon._ / From Off: Where's my gun?
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Jewish Christmas - LITJ 371 [[Text.]] / Text: A Christmas Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: My gift to you: peace on earth, goodwill towards men. I know it's kinda crappy, but I lost a bundle on the stock market this year. / [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Hurry up and go to sleep so I can break into your house. / [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: I'm Jewish, we don't do Christmas. We celebrate ha- chana- hanna- Jewish Christmas.
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Americans With Disabilities - LITJ 372 [[Text.]] / Text: An Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Jesus, small, below.]] / Text: It has recently come to our attention that _Leave It To Jesus_ is not wheelchair accessible. / Jesus: What? / Text: We have begun construction immediately, in an attempt to comply with the American with Disabilities Act of 1990. / Jesus: Are you high? Wait, let me rephrase that. Are you _fucking high?_ / Text: Not anymore, man, I crashed hours ago. / Jesus: Well, then.
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New Years 2009 - LITJ 373 [[Jesus, with text.]] / Text: Happy New Years! Let's start off 2009 the right way! Here's some tips to help make your celebrations safe, fun, and quasi-legal: / * Beer before liquor, never been sicker / * Liquor before beer, never fear / * Alcohol before weed, you'll be in need / * Weed before alcohol, uh, whoa...did I just say that out loud? I'm so freaking wasted. So you think there's any more Cheetos?
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No Man - LITJ 374 [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]] / From Off: Excuse me? / Heather: I would like one ticket to that one movie, the one where the guy says yes to everything. / From Off: "Yes Man"? / Heather: No, that's not it... / Heather: Hmm... / Heather: "Debbie Does Dallas 2: The Rectum Strikes Back". / From Off: Please leave.
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Holiday Traditions - LITJ 375 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: It's the little differences that bring us together. / Charlie: Heh. / Charlie: Okay, replace "little differences" with "home invasion", and "bring us together" with "gets me beaten by the police". / Charlie: Don't look at me like that. Everybody's got their holiday traditions.
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Overheard - LITJ 376 [[Heather does something, leaning off-panel. She hears a voice from off-panel.]] / Voice: Oh, no, I know, right? When she said that to me, I was like, "Whoa!" / Voice: Stupid bitch don't know who she's talking to. I got a gun, I know how to use it. / [[Heather stops whatever she's doing for a moment.]] / Voice: Yeah, I found out that you're supposed to point it at people and not shove it up your...I know, right? There's not enough KY in the world for that, girlfriend. / [[Heather goes back to work.]] / Voice: So, what do you wanna do for dinner? Uh, no. I'm not supposed to go to Old Country Buffet anymore. Court order.
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Overheard 2 - LITJ 377 [[Heather is doing something off-panel, overhearing off-panel talking.]] / Voice: Did you see what Amanda wore to the Christmas party? "Whore" doesn't even _begin_ to describe it. / Voice: No, I'm pretty sure...wait, is Amanda the one that looks like Darth Vader? / [[Heather turns around.]] / Heather: Wait a minute... / Voice: Whatever, she looks like somebody got an action figure drunk so some fat nerd could...I dunno... / [[Heather goes back to work.]] / Voice: ...metaphors aren't my thing. I'm more into apple martinis, now. I call them "apple-tinis", 'cause it makes me sound like a douche.
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Overheard 3 - LITJ 378 [[Heather does something off-panel while listening to an off-panel voice.]] / Voice: Tell me about it, girlfriend! Didn't anybody tell her it's gauche to wear a cybernetic respirator after labor day? / Heather: What? / [[Heather turns around.]] / Heather: Just who the hell do you think you- / [[Nancy Reagan.]] / [[Heather turns back around.]] / Heather: I'm going to my happy place, I'm going to my happy place, I'm going to my happy place
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She Was Bored - LITJ 379 [[Jesus talks to Heather, off-panel.]] / Jesus: Heather? Why are you hiding under the bed? / Heather: I'm being stalked by Nancy Reagan. / Jesus: What? / Heather: I'm being stalked by Nancy Reagan. She hates the way I dress, and she wants me to drink apple martinis. Shhhhh...she's right behind you. / [[Nancy Reagan stares.]] / Nancy: Hello. / Jesus: Is that why you wet yourself? / Heather: Not exactly. / Jesus: Well, then why- / Heather: Look, I got bored, okay? Now, either get me a fresh pair of pants or leave me the hell alone.
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She Doesn't Know She's There - LITJ 380 [[Charlie talks to Heather, who is off-panel.]] / Charlie: Heather, what do you- Whoa. Why are you under the bed? / Heather: I'm hiding. / Charlie: From who? / Heather: Nancy Reagan. Is she still there? / [[Nancy Reagan.]] / Nancy: No. / [[Charlie looks off-panel.]] / Charlie: I don't know if I trust her opinion. / Heather: She's trying to eat my soul.
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She Wants Money - LITJ 381 [[Charlie talks to Heather, who's off-panel.]] / Charlie: I don't think Nancy Reagan's trying to eat your soul. / Heather: How can you be sure? / [[Charlie turns to look off-panel.]] / Charlie: I don't know... / [[Nancy Reagan.]] / Nancy: Souls taste of the blackest licorice, sweet and cloying. The sustenance they offer is fleeting, ethereal, like clouds on a dark winter night. I desire not the breath that animates the bodies of men, but that which gives their movements meaning. / [[Charlie.]] / Charlie: I think she wants your money. / Heather: I already gave her my wallet!
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Behind The Porn - LITJ 382 [[Nancy Reagan speaks.]] / Nancy: We are each an island, adrift in the flotsom and jetsom of happenstance. All communication is brief, every contact almost over before it has begun. / Nancy: Each of us longs for understanding, for the brilliance of a knowing touch, the glory of a lover's kiss. And for what? It is all for naught. / Nancy: Everything dies. Every moment will, eventually, be lost to eternity. / [[Charlie looks off-panel at Nancy. Heather speaks from off-panel.]] / Charlie: Man, that's one seriously messed up chick. Got any room under that bed? / Heather: You can hide behind my porn collection.
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War Crime Thursdays - LITJ 383 [[Jesus and Charlie talk.]] / Jesus: Did you hear? Plenary indulgences are back. / Charlie: Really? / Charlie: Does the Catholic Church still take checks? I just got my tax return... / Jesus: I think so- / Charlie: Yay! Time to commit a war crime! / Jesus: Wait up! I just got a new MasterCard!
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Hits From The Bong - LITJ 384 [[Jesus is doing something off-panel; Charlie comes up behind him.]] / Charlie: Why is the bathroom door locked? / Jesus: Phelps is in there doing a bong hit. / [[Fred Phelps et all, protesting...something.]] / Jesus: Also, it's your turn to clean the bathroom this week. / Charlie: Time to start looking for some new roommates...
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Bling Bling - LITJ 385 [[Jesus and Charlie talk.]] / Charlie: I thought you _hated_ Fred Phelps. / Jesus: Not _that_ Phelps. / Jesus: I meant the Phelps with all the gold medals. / [[A picture of a rapper with lots of gold chains.]] / [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Fred Phelps is a rapper? / Jesus: You know, it's just easier to assume you're a dumbass.
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Re-Call - LITJ 386 [[Heather talks.]] / Heather: Please? / From Off: No. / [[Heather.]] / [[Heather.]] / Heather: But- / From Off: Put your pants back on, or I'm going to call the police. Again.
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No Love Lost - LITJ 387 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Baby, don't _be_ like that. Don't call the police. / Heather: You still love me, don't you? / Heather: ...baby? / [[Heather sits in a jail cell.]] / Heather: Goddamnit.
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He's Probably Pressing Charges - LITJ 388 [[Jesus talks to someone off-panel; the phone rings.]] / Jesus: Anyway, the nun looks at all the blood, and she says- / Sound: _* ring * * ring *_ / Jesus: Hold on, I gotta take this. / Jesus: Hello, Christ residence. She did _what?_ / Jesus: Okay, okay, slow down. Arson, grand larceny, assault...rape? Who did- Oh. / Jesus: No, no, she really is that stupid. Is the guy who owns the mannequin pressing charges? _Oh._ Still, I'm not sure you can rape a mannequin, or those "RealDoll" guys would be completely fucked.
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Eleventy Gazillion Dollars - LITJ 389 [[Jesus talks on the phone.]] / Jesus: So, how much does the Judge want for bail? / Jesus: ...wow. That's kind of harsh. What did you do to piss of the Judge? / Jesus: C'mon, you had to have done _something._ Oh, I don't know... / Jesus: I'm pretty sure "eleventy gazillion dollars" isn't a real number. No, no, it's cool. I'll bring your toothbrush.
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What? - LITJ 390 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Why did the chicken cross the road? / [[Charlie stares.]] / [[Charlie stares.]] / [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: What?
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