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| Capitalism - LITJ 391 | [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Your name, ma'am?
/ Heather: What?
/ From Off: I need your name, ma'am-
/ Heather: Why? / Heather: I'm sick and tired of everybody collecting information on everybody else so that they can sell something to them. / Heather: Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want it. I don't _need_ it. I don't need to buy _things_ to make me happy. / From Off: If you don't give me your name, I can't issue you a driver's license.
/ Heather: Fucking capitalist pig.
/ From Off: Security? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=391 |
| The Unrapture - LITJ 392 | [[The "Letters to Christ" logo.]]
/ Text: How are we gonna survive this financial crisis? / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Look, I don't have any answers for you. I've done everything I can to keep you monkeys from slitting each others' throats. / Jesus: Here's a hint: stop giving money to the fat, rich fucks that got you into this problem in the first place. / [[Jesus walks away.]]
/ Jesus: Good luck! Try not to set too much of Dad's stuff on fire, and if you're the last one out, please turn off the light. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=392 |
| Financial Crisis 2: Financial Crisises - LITJ 393 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I have a solution to the financial crisis! / Heather: First, we round up all the bankers, stock traders, and mortgage guys. Then, we go to the hardware store and buy kerosene, padlocks, and chains. / Heather: We put all these guys in a room, and lock the doors. Then, we set fire to the room. Next, we torch the building. / Heather: Then, we nuke the building from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=393 |
| An Abomination - LITJ 394 | [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Any questions?
/ Heather: Yes. / Heather: If the beginning of this, the moments in between, these stolen seconds taken from the glory of God and destroyed in His Sight, become that which cannot be..._an abomination._ Like in that Dune book I took out from the Library. / Heather: Where, exactly, would that abomination lie? In the west, with the rising sun? Or in the south, with the lairs of _monsters._ / From Off: First, the sun rises in the east, and- Goddamn it. Are there any questions-
/ Heather: Well-
/ From Off: _about renewing your driver's license?_
/ Heather: Oh. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=394 |
| The President Of Canada - LITJ 395 | [[Heather and Jesus speak.]]
/ Jesus: What, now?
/ Heather: I'm the Kwisatz Haderach. / Jesus: And what exactly is the Kwisatz Haderach? / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus turns to leave.]]
/ Heather: ...the president of Canada?
/ Jesus: That's it. I'm taking away your library card. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=395 |
| Litany Against Fear - LITJ 396 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. / Heather: Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. / Heather: I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
/ From Off: Heather have you seen- WHAT THE FUCK?! / [[Heather turns to leave.]]
/ Heather: I will face my fear...someplace else.
/ From Off: Where did you find all this...is this pudding? Oh God. This better be pudding. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=396 |
| Hobbits And Handcuffs - LITJ 397 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: One Ring to rule them all. / Heather: One Ring to find them. / Heather: One Ring to bring them all... / [[Jesus appears in the background.]]
/ Heather: ...and in the darkness, bind them. _Rawr._ The safe word is "hobbit".
/ Jesus: GIVE ME THE LIBRARY CARD. NOW. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=397 |
| This Mortal Coil - LITJ 398 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: To be, or not to be. That is the question. / Heather: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles... / Heather: And by opposing, end them. / From Off: One more time: where are your pants?
/ Heather: They have shuffled off this mortal coil.
/ From Off: Leroy, hit her with the pepper spray. Again. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=398 |
| Please Heather Don't Hurt 'Em - LITJ 399 | [[Heather does something off-panel. Jesus watches.]]
/ Jesus: Hey, what're you-
/ Heather: Busy.
/ Jesus: Is that blood?
/ Heather: Yes. / Jesus: Are you gonna-
/ Heather: Nope. / [[Jesus stares at Heather.]] / Jesus: Living with you is always an adventure.
/ Heather: Could you pass me the chainsaw? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=399 |
| PTSD - LITJ 400 | [[Jesus does something off-panel, while Heather talks to him.]]
/ Heather: How was your Easter?
/ Jesus: I don't celebrate Easter.
/ Heather: Why? / Jesus: Let's say that somebody nailed you to a post, naked, in the middle of the desert. _For three days._ Then some asshole stabs you with a spear, before offering you a drink of delicious, refreshing _vinegar._ / Heather: Whoa. / Heather: Post-traumatic stress disorder?
/ Jesus: _You have no idea._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=400 |
| More Coffee, Always - LITJ 401 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: You've got PTSD?
/ Jesus: Yeah.
/ Heather: What are your symptoms? / Jesus: Eh, nothing as bad as some of the Iraq War vets are coming home with. Panic attacks, cold sweats, and I have some trouble sleeping. / Heather: When was the last time you got a good night's sleep?
/ Jesus: May 6.
/ Heather: _Last year?_
/ Jesus: No, no. 23 A.D. / Heather: You haven't slept in 1900 years? _That_ explains why you're always so cranky.
/ Jesus: I'm gonna go make some more coffee. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=401 |
| Kettle, Meet Pot - LITJ 402 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: You haven't slept in 2000 years?
/ Jesus: It's not as bad as it sounds. / Heather: You, uh, might want to get help for that. Like, from a psychiatrist, or something. / Jesus: Heh. / Heather: What's so funny?
/ Jesus: Oh, nothing. Still taking your medication?
/ Heather: Shut up. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=402 |
| She Solved The Mystery - LITJ 403 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: _If I could save time in a bottle...the first thing that I'd like to do_ / Heather: _Is to save every day 'till eternity passes away..._ / Heather: _Just to spend them with you_ / From Off: That's not "time", it's whiskey.
/ Heather: Huh. I guess that solves the mystery of the drunk prostitute!
/ From Off: You have the right to remain silent... http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=403 |
| Error: Truth Not Found - LITJ 404 | [[Charlie and Heather speak.]]
/ Charlie: So, I got a job.
/ Heather: Oh, yeah? Doing what? / Charlie: Telephone fortune teller.
/ Heather: That sounds like a fun job. / Charlie: Yeah, I guess. I get to lie to people all day, and they _pay_ me for it. / Heather: Who're you working for?
/ Charlie: The Psychotic Friends Network.
/ Heather: That doesn't sound right, but it _feels_ right. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=404 |
| Hope Management - LITJ 405 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Heather: You're a phone psychic, huh? What's the job like? / Charlie: It's not bad. When people call, I talk to 'em for a few minutes, to try and figure out what kind of person they are. / Charlie: I figure out what they want to hear, and that's what I tell them. Heather: Isn't that lying? / Charlie: I like to think of it as "hope management".
/ Heather: You ought to work for the banks.
/ Charlie: Fuck you. I've got _some_ morals. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=405 |
| Grandma's Cough - LITJ 406 | [[Text on a blank background.]]
/ Text: A Special Message From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[More text; Heather appears very small underneath.]]
/ Text: Last week, the Discovery Channel debuted a new documentary titled "Cocaine Nation".
/ Heather: That's what I call my living room. / Text: Although quite entertaining and informative, the documentary ended with: "Cocaine addiction can strike anyone, at any time." This is not true.
/ Heather: For real? / Text: That cough that Grandma got? That was actually tuberculosis.
/ Heather: Whoa. That makes a lot more sense, now. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=406 |
| It Really Isn't A Ride - LITJ 407 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: So let me get this straight: the ride only costs about two bucks?
/ From Off: Well, it's not exactly-
/ Heather: 'Cause that's a _deal_, in my book. / Heather: Can I get the premium version?
/ From Off: Ma'am, I don't-
/ Heather: I expect a lot for my entertainment dollar, mind you. / Heather: All right, I'm in. I love amusement park rides! Let's get this show on the road. / From Off: Ma'am, this is a gas station.
/ Heather: Gas stations have amusement parks?
/ From Off: A gallon of gasoline is not a "ride".
/ Heather: Well, it is where I come from. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=407 |
| Thus Spoke Dr. Phil - LITJ 408 | [[Jesus is doing something off-panel, while Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Whatcha doing?
/ Jesus: A crossword puzzle. / Jesus: Nietzsche wrote "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", right?
/ Heather: Uh, _no._ She works at the Cinnabun, down at the mall. / Jesus: Excuse me?
/ Heather: LaNeesha Jackson, right? Always wears leopard print stretch pants? / Jesus: I'd call you a Philistine, but you'd probably think I was talking about Dr. Phil.
/ Heather: Dr. Phil is Jewish? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=408 |
| The Gay Science - LITJ 409 | [[Jesus and Heather speak.]]
/ Heather: LaNeesha isn't a philosopher.
/ Jesus: It's not LaNeesha, it's _Nietzsche._ / Jesus: Friedrich Nietzsche was a nineteenth-century German philosopher, who wrote several famous works like "Beyond Good and Evil",and "The Will to Power". He wrote his most famous quote, "God is dead", in his 1882 book "Die fr?hliche Wissenschaft", or "The Gay Science." / Heather: I don't know. / Heather: I don't think LaNeesha is gay, but she does make a mean CarameLatta Chill.
/ Jesus: Go away. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=409 |
| I Am Totally Not Sorry - LITJ 410 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: LaNeesha. / [[Heather stares.]] / Heather: _LaNeeeesha._ / [[Text appears, with Heather very small beneath.]]
/ Text: I'm so, so sorry.
/ Heather: Ha! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=410 |
| More Conviction - LITJ 411 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I want to apologize for my behavior last week. / Heather: I am fully aware that Nietzsche is not a fat woman who works at the mall. I'm not sure why I repeatedly mistook the 18th century philosopher for a Cinnabon employee. / [[Jesus appears in one corner.]]
/ Jesus: Again. And this time with conviction. Don't make me get the leeches. / Heather: I want to apologize for my behavior last week.
/ Jesus: More conviction. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=411 |
| Thoughtcrime As Torture - LITJ 412 | [[Text on a blank background.]]
/ Text: An Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Jesus small, below.]]
/ Text: Last week, Jesus threatened to torture Heather if she did not apologize for past idiotic behavior.
/ Jesus: It sounds bad when you say it like _that._ / Text: Our position is that torture, under any circumstances, is wrong, and a crime against mankind.
/ Jesus: Oh yeah? I'm not the one who did all the comics about Pat Robertson being raped by Elmo. / Text: Dude, that was totally different.
/ Jesus: I thought so. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=412 |
| 37 Is Totally Gay - LITJ 413 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: What do I think about Proposition 8? It's complicated. / Heather: First, I don't think that numbers should be propositioning anybody, much less the state of California. / Heather: I don't know 8 all that well, but 5 is a complete whore and 37 needs to learn how to keep it on the downlow. / [[Jesus appears far in the background.]]
/ Heather: Why we're letting numbers prostitute themselves like this is completely beyond me.
/ Jesus: Heather, you _know_ you're not allowed to watch CNN. Give me the remote. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=413 |
| Terminal Idiocy - LITJ 414 | [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Heather? Yeah, she's got some problems. / Jesus: Her stupidity, uh, _problem_ seems to be getting worse. I don't know how much time she has left before terminal idiocy sets in. / Heather: Palin-Limbaugh 2012! / Jesus: Oh, God, it's _begun._ Where's my cattle prod? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=414 |
| Netflix, WoW, And Cocaine - LITJ 415 | [[Text on blank background.]]
/ Text: What is best in life? / [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women! That and Netflix. / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Soloing Kel'Thuzad with my level 80 Death Knight. / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Cocaine. Maybe midgets. Definitely cocaine. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=415 |
| Salsa, Sour Cream, Blood, And Screaming - LITJ 416 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: I _love_ burritos. / Charlie: I slather them with salsa and sour cream. And that first bite... / Charlie: The only thing I don't like about burritos is all the blood and screaming. / From Off: You mispronounced "prostitute". Again.
/ Charlie: You're right, I'm sorry. I love _prostitutes_. With sour cream and salsa. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=416 |
| Big Mac Attack - LITJ 417 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese... / Heather: ...pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. / From Off: Excuse me?
/ Heather: To go. / From Off: Ma'am, I'm not sure I can help you.
/ Heather: This isn't McDonald's?
/ From Off: This is a funeral home.
/ Heather: Okay, no meat, then. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=417 |
| It's Wax - LITJ 418 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: You know, I've always wondered what the gooey stuff inside lava lamps is. / Heather: It's a mystery. / [[Heather stands silent. A small voice comes from off-panel.]]
/ From Off: Wait a minute... / [[Heather leaves.]]
/ Heather: I'm outta here.
/ From Off: What's all this broken glass and...what is this? Is this wax? I hope to God that's wax. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=418 |
| A Bar In Poland - LITJ 419 | [[Heather talks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Heather: Knock, knock!
/ From Off: Who's there? / Heather: Potatoe.
/ From Off: Potatoe who? / Heather: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
/ From Off: What? / Heather: Damnit, I knew I was gonna screw this up. Let me try again. A priest, a rabbi, and Hitlet walk into a bar in Poland.
/ From Off: Put your pants back on.
/ Heather: No. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=419 |
| Hookers In Disguise - LITJ 420 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: You know those, uh, toys that turn into something else? Man, I loved playing with those when I was a kid. / Charlie: You'd push a button, twist some stuff, and bam! A whole different toy. / From Off: Transformers?
/ Charlie: No, that's not it... / Charlie: Oh, yeah, I remember. Transsexuals! Best freaking toy _ever_.
/ From Off: You're a horrible, horrible person. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=420 |
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