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She Should Cut Down - LITJ 421 [[Jesus speaks. Heather appears far in the background.]] / Jesus: So, there I was, holding the dildo out the window, and- / Heather: WAIT! / [[Jesus and Heather speak.]] / Heather: This is the 420th comic strip! / Jesus: Well- / Heather: 420, dude! _Time to blaze._ / Jesus: No, that was on Tuesday. / Heather: What? / Jesus: This is strip number 421. / Heather: Damnit. / Jesus: You really need to stop smoking so much weed. / Heather: I know, I know.
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Product Of His Environment - LITJ 422 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: I'm an environmentalist. At least, that's what the guy in the uniform said. / Charlie: He called me a "product of my environment". / From Off: No, he didn't. / From Off: The policeman called you a "threat to the environment". / Charlie: Why? I wasn't doing nothin'. / From Off: A kindergarden classroom isn't the appropriate place to dispose of used motor oil. / Charlie: Says _you._
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Hot Chicks - LITJ 423 [[A man and a woman speak.]] / Man: Let's go pick up some hot chicks. / Woman: I'm down. / [[They get into a car.]] / Man: You can drive, because I want to masterbate. / [[Hot chicks.]] / Man: That's not really what I meant. / Woman: I'm still down.
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Bactine By The Gallon - LITJ 424 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Never, _ever_ mix oral sex and hot sauce. / [[Charlie stares.]] / [[Charlie stares.]] / Charlie: _Seriously._ / From Off: We're gonna need more bandages. Do you think they sell Bactine by the gallon?
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It's Not Supposed To - LITJ 425 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Are you there, God? It's me, Heather. / Heather: Losing Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett so close together has got me thinking. Why do we die? / Heather: Is it to give our lives meaning? Or are we just temporary things, meant only to bloom, briefly, before crumbling into dust? / God: It's because you guys make really funny faces when you die. During sex, too. But that's something completely different. / Heather: Prayer never makes me feel any better.
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This Am The Best - LITJ 426 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: If you think about it, Maria Shriver is like a Bizarro Jackie Kennedy. / Heather: Think about it. / [[Heather sits, silent.]] / [[Charlie speaks from the distant background.]] / Charlie: NOBODY'S GOING TO GET THAT! / Heather: Yeah, well, that's what Wikipedia is for.
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Uncompetant - LITJ 427 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: Roses are red. / Charlie: Violets are blue. / Charlie: I suck at poetry. / [[Charlie walks away.]]
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Nurple - LITJ 428 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Robitussin is red. / Heather: Dimetapp is purple. / Heather: Violets are also purple. / Heather: Nothing rhymes with purple.
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This One Actually Rhymes - LITJ 429 [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus: Roses are red. / Jesus: Violets are blue. / Jesus: You probably think this poem won't rhyme. / Jesus: So fuck you.
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German Shepherd - LITJ 430 [[Text.]] / Text: A Statement From The _National Poetry Symposium_ / [[Text, with Heather, very small, beneath.]] / Text: The last three comics, though technically about poetry, featured a style of doggrel poems first created by Sir Edmund Spencer in 1590. / Heather: Doggrel? Does that have anything to do with dogs? Doggy style? / Text: _ It was upon a Sommers shynie day, When Titan faire his beames did display, In a fresh fountaine, farre from all mens vew, She bath'd her brest, the boyling heat t'allay; She bath'd with roses red, and violets blew, And all the sweetest flowres, that in the forrest grew. The Faerie Queene, Book 3, Canto 6, Stanza 6_ / Heather: Mmmmm, that gets me hot. Naked...naked _dogs_... Does that get you hot? / Text: You have a problem. / Heather: Hump me like a German Shepherd.
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He's Not An Idiot - LITJ 431 [[Text on blank background.]] / Text: An Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Heather below.]] / Text: Tuesday, we mentioned a group named the "National Poetry Symposium". No such organization exists. / Heather: Busted! / Text: We made a joke about beastiality, as well, and for that we apologize. The high art of poetry should not have been maligned with a joke about dog-fucking. / Heather: Sure, but you'll portray the Son of God as a cracksmoking idiot. / Text: That...is totally different. / Heather: Yeah, I thought so.
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Obama Isn't Trying To Steal His Liver - LITJ 432 [[Charlie talks to someone off-panel, while Jesus walks up.]] / Charlie: He wasn't even _born_ here- / Jesus: I can't believe I have to explain this _again_... / Jesus: Look, the Republicans lost the election. You did your best, but it wasn't good enough. Stop making excuses for why you don't like the President. / Jesus: Seriously, where you you think Obama was really born? / Charlie: Duh! He's from Alpha Centauri. / Jesus: Ah. The often-forgotten "completely batshit insane" voter. I'm out. / Charlie: Obama is trying to steal my liver.
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Insomnia - LITJ 433 [[Heather stands, silent.]] / [[Heather remains silent.]] / [[More silent Heather.]] / [[Heather leans in. Jesus appears far in the background.]] / Heather: _Diabeeeeeeetus._ / Jesus: GO BACK TO BED!
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Communism - LITJ 434 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: ...so, if we end up with socialized medicine, then that's, uh, communism, or something. / Heather: Nationalized health care raped my cat, once, when I was a kid. / Jesus: Where the hell are you getting these ideas? / [[Robitussin speaks.]] / Robitussin: "Atlas Shrugged" is the best novel ever written. / [[Heather speaks; Jesus leaves.]] / Heather: Also, I heard that nationalized health care is anti-semitic. / Jesus: Stupid fucking Americans. I'm out.
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Yes, I Know Ayn Rand Is Female - LITJ 435 IN PROGRESS
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There's Only Seven Letters - LITJ 436 [[Jesus and Heather talk.]] / Jesus: So, do you have any more bright ideas about the economy? / Heather: Yes. / Heather: The word "economy" has nine letters in it, right? If we added, like six or seven vowels, maybe we could make the word bigger. / [[Jesus and Heather stare at each other.]] / [[Jesus leaves.]] / Jesus: Fucking stoner. Call me when you come down. / Heather: Pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
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Stoned Temple Pilots - LITJ 437 [[Heather and Charlie talk.]] / Heather: ...so, if we spelled the word like "eeeecoooonooomieeey" that's, like, way more than nine letters. / Charlie: Do you really think this is a good idea, or have you been huffing gasoline again? / [[Charlie and Heather stare at each other.]] / Heather: It's the special STP detergent additive that Marathon puts in the gas that gives it that extra _kick._ / Charlie: No, it isn't. And put your pants back on.
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Not Necessarily A Bad Idea - LITJ 438 [[Charlie and Heather talk.]] / Heather: Can I punch it? / Charlie: What? / Heather: _Can I punch it?_ / Charlie: What do you want to punch? / Heather: Does it matter? / Charlie: Usually. / Heather: Well... / Charlie: Stop, right there. I can tell that it's a bad idea because you've put a lot of thought into it. / Heather: Rachel Ray needs to get hit. / Charlie: I'll give you bus fare.
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Britney Is Not The Whore - LITJ 439 [[Text on blank background.]] / Text: And Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Heather, small, below.]] / Text: On Tuesday, a character expressed a desire to strike Rachel Ray. This is completely inappropriate; violence against celebrities is wrong in every instance. / Heather: Oh, man, don't be like that! I can't believe you're gonna turn this into a..._thing..._ / Text: Everyone should strike to "treat your neighbor as themselves". The world would be a better place if we all did exactly that. / Heather: The Blood of Rachel Ray will open the Second Seal, beginning the Reign of the Whore of Babylon. Who is _totally_ not Britney Spears. / Text: Look, dude, the fucking FBI called again, and our lawyer says he wants the money up front. What the fuck do you want me to do? / Heather: I want you to punch Rachel Ray. In the face. With your _fist._
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The Whore Of Las Vegas - LITJ 440 [[Text on blank background.]] / Text: An Apology From _Leave It To Jesus_ / [[Text, with Heather, very small, below.]] / Text: Last week, one of our characters insinuated that Britney Spears is the "Whore of Babylon". We regret this, and have decided, on advice of our lawer, to apologize. / Heather: I said no such thing! I said that she _wasn't_ the Whore of Babylon! / Text: We are sorry. / Heather: Well, I'm not sorry. I stand behind everything I said. Unless I said something about Jews. Or Mexicans. / Text: Oh yeah? Who do you think Britney Spears is? / Heather: Uh...the Whore of Las Vegas?
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Collecting Rat Eggs - LITJ 441 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: ...so I decided to start doing a little bit of "urban farming". / Jesus: Oh, yeah? / Heather: Check it out! I've got my own flock of chickens! / Jesus: Umm...those aren't chickens. They're rats. / Heather: So, those eggs I just collected- / Jesus: Not eggs. / Heather: Well, what- / Jesus: Rat poop. / Heather: I guess we're gonna have to go out for breakfast.
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That Is Not How You Make Cheese - LITJ 442 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: I decided to join Heather, and get with the urban farming thing. / Charlie: I went out and bought a goat. A goat can be used for many different things. / Charlie: You can milk a goat. You can also skin them and make clothes with their skin. You can also make goat cheese. / From Off: Put your pants back on! / Charlie: IT IS CALLED MAKING CHEESE AND IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL! NOW GIVE ME BACK MY LUBE!
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It's Not Complicated - LITJ 443 [[Charlie speaks.]] / Charlie: ...no, no. It's, uh, complicated. / From Off: How? / Charlie: Well...don't hate on what you don't understand. / From Off: Sodomizing a goat is not part of anybody's cheese making process. / Charlie: Are you sure? Because this one time, at band camp- / From Off: YES.
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Reintardation - LITJ 444 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: ...it's like when people are really dumb, right? / Heather: And then they die... / Heather: And then they come back as something just as dumb or dumber. It's one of the core tenants of Buddhism. / Jesus: You are aware that "reintardation" isn't a real word, right? / Heather: Well, it should be.
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I Ain't Saying He's A Dumbass - LITJ 445 [[Heather and Charlie speak.]] / Heather: ...it's like when people are really dumb, right? / Charlie: Like Kanye West? / Heather: Uh...yes. / Heather: But that's kind of beside the point. / Charlie: Oh. Go on.
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Of All Time - LITJ 446 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: ...it's like when people are really dumb, right? / From Off: Yo, wait! / [[Kanye West speaks to Heather.]] / Kanye West: Yo, Heather, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish...but I'm one of the biggest retards of all time. / Kanye West: Of all time! / Heather: Uh, okay. / From Off: Of all time! / Heather: _I ain't saying he's a dumbass. But he ain't messin' with no..._ ...uh...okay, I guess I _am_ saying that he's a dumbass.
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God Hates Figs - LITJ 447 [[Text on whitespace.]] / Text: The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. / Text: When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. / Text: Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it. Mark 11:12-14 / [[Jesus and Heather speak.]] / Jesus: Seriously. It's supposed to be "God hates _figs_". / Heather: So, Fred Phelps? / Jesus: Going to hell. To be fair, not for _this._ But he's still going to hell.
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Extra Red Stuff - LITJ 448 [[Heather speaks to someone off-panel.]] / Heather: Let me get that super-sized, with extra, uh, _red stuff._ / From Off: "Red stuff"? / Heather: You know, that stuff that's red, and you can eat it... / From Off: Ketchup? / Heather: No, that's not it... / Heather: It's made from crushed...crushed little red things. / From Off: Strawberries? Strawberry jelly? / Heather: What do you get when you put an Irish midget through a chipper-shredder? / From Off: ...blood? / Heather: That's the stuff! / From Off: Get out.
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Not A Wonderful World - LITJ 449 [[Elmo sings.]] / Elmo: I see trees of green, red roses too / Elmo: I see them bloom, for me and for you / Elmo: And I think to myself, what a wonderful world / [[Someone speaks to Elmo from below panel.]] / From Off: Oh my god...can't stop the bleeding... / Elmo: Shhh. I'm not done with my song. / From Off: Fucking puppet _shot me_
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You Can't Super Size That - LITJ 450 [[Heather speaks.]] / Heather: Hmmm... / Heather: I don't know, it all sounds good. / Heather: Can I get that super-sized? / From Off: ...are you _sure_ you know what a pap smear is? / Heather: Does it come with a large order of fries?
http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=450
 

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