You're browsing the archives of Leave It To Jesus.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch - LITJ 481 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: I wonder what's going on back home. / [[Michael speaks.]]
/ Michael: _Cash rules everything around me_ / Michael: _C.R.E.A.M. get the money_ / Michael: _Dolla dolla bill, y'all..._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=481 |
| The Tu Wang Clan - LITJ 482 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Michael did _what?_
/ God: He started a rap group. / Heather: I thought Michael was white. Not that you can tell, with the helmet and all.... What's Michael's group called?
/ God: The Tu Wang Clan. / [[Michael speaks.]]
/ Michael: Y'all niggas better _recognize_ / [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: He's gonna get lynched.
/ God: Or sued. Anyway, you'll probably have some company soon. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=482 |
| The Iceman Cometh - LITJ 483 | [[Michael speaks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Michael: Yo, I'm from the _streets_. Fo' _shizzle_ / From Off: Oh yeah? Where you from, man?
/ Michael: I'm hood.
/ From Off: What hood? / Michael: Toronto, _what_. Etobicoke in the goddamn hizzle fo' _shizzle_ / From Off: Toronto, Canada?
/ Michael: Yo, the iceman _cometh_
/ From Off: I don't...are you fucking with me? You gotta be fucking with me. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=483 |
| God's Hobby - LITJ 484 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: You've got a really messed up sense of humor, God. / Heather: I mean, you make people do all this weird _stuff..._
/ God: Me? No, no...I don't make people do anything they wouldn't normally do. / [[Michael speaks]]
/ Michael: _Warm lumpy mayonnaise in my pants get down_ / [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Are you sure about that?
/ God: Look, after sixteen million years or so, things get really really boring. Fucking with you monkeys is the hobby that keeps me sane. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=484 |
| There Is NetFlix In Heaven - LITJ 485 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: So, uh, what now? Do I get to go _back?_ / God: I guess. I mean, do you really want to go back? / [[Sarah Palin, accompanied by a "Palin 2012" sign.]] / [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Now that you say it, I'm not so sure.
/ God: Think it over. We get NetFlix up here now. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=485 |
| C.R.A.T.S.A.M. - LITJ 486 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: God, do you think Michael's going to be okay without me?
/ God: Probably. His rap career is going places. / Heather: Is he any good at it?
/ God: Sort of. / [[Michael raps.]]
/ Michael: _Cash rules all the stuff around me_ _Yo, get the money_ _Dolla dolla bill, y'all_ / [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: C.R.A.T.S.A.M.? Where does he get this stuff?
/ God: Well, he's not getting it from Me. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=486 |
| Tijuana Donkey - LITJ 487 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Okay, I want to go back. / God: Are you sure about this? Once you decide to go, it's a one way trip.
/ Heather: Oh, so it's not like reincarnation? / God: No, it's exactly like reincarnation.
/ Heather: I thought Christians didn't believe in reincarnation. / God: You wanna come back as a Tijuana donkey, or do you wanna shut the fuck up and let me finish?
/ Heather: I think I wet myself. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=487 |
| N.C.I.S. - LITJ 488 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Remember when Law & Order was on T.V., like, all the time? There way things used to be, there was always a channel playing Law & Order, or S.V.U., or Criminal Intent, somewhere, at any and all times of the day. / Heather: Now? It's all C.S.I. or N.C.I.S. What the hell does "N.C.I.S." stand for, anyway? / [[Michael speaks.]]
/ Michael: Nigga can't investigate _shit_ / [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: That doesn't sound right.
/ God: I work in mysterious ways. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=488 |
| I Think He Just Did - LITJ 489 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Okay, I think I'm ready to go back. / God: Are you sure?
/ Heather: Yeah. So, what do I get to come back as? / God: I was thinking about making you into a blurry picture of a Darth Vader toy.
/ Heather: Oh, that sounds interesting! Wait, what? / [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: Goddamnit. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=489 |
| There It Is, Indeed - LITJ 490 | [[Michael talks to Jesus.]]
/ Jesus: Michael, what the hell are you doing?!
/ Michael: I'm the in the studio, dawg. Doin' my _thang_ / Jesus: You aren't in the studio, "dawg". Explain to me again how "taking a dump in somebody's living room" is an example of your, uh, "artistic talent". / Michael: It's my new song, dawg. _Poop! There It Is._ / Jesus: No.
/ Michael: _Let Me See That Tootsie Roll_?
/ Jesus: Get out. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=490 |
| Homecoming - LITJ 491 | [[Heather speaks to Jesus.]]
/ Jesus: Hey! You're back! Dad told me you'd be coming back soon. / Jesus: Did you learn anything? / [[Heather thinks.]] / Heather: God's kind of a jerk?
/ Jesus: Sounds about right. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=491 |
| French Polynesia - LITJ 492 | [[Heather talks to God.]]
/ Heather: God, I just want to thank you. For, like, everything. / God: Any particular reason for this gratefulness?
/ Heather: Uh, no, not really. / God: Does the big bad of cocaine on the table have anything to do with it? / Heather: ...maybe? Also, I'd like to thank you for French Polynesia. And pornography. And Jack Daniels. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=492 |
| Expected Behavior - LITJ 493 | [[God speaks to Jesus.]]
/ God: Hey, Jesus? Have you got a minute?
/ Jesus: Sure. / God: So, you heard that Heather's back from the dead, right? And that's been working for a little while...I mean, _she's_ been working on things... / God: Look, I'm never good at asking for help, but...
/ Jesus: Heather overdosed on heroin in the dolphin tank at Sea World? / Jesus: Narcan's in the medicine cabinet, and the chloroform's under the sink.
/ God: Thanks! http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=493 |
| Nothing - LITJ 494 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: Reincarnation? / Charlie: Isn't that when... / Charlie: ...uh... / Charlie: ...I got nothin'. Sorry. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=494 |
| A Metaphor For Change - LITJ 495 | [[Heather speaks.]]
/ Heather: ..and this leads to an interesting question: / Heather: Does a government become sovreign on its own, or does that sovreignty come from the acknowlegement of other sovreign governments? I don't know the answer, but I'd like to find out. / [[Heather speaks to Jesus.]]
/ Heather: That's why I've decided to start my own government. / Jesus: And setting the cat on fire helped this along...how?
/ Heather: It's a metaphor for change. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=495 |
| It Won't Burn - LITJ 496 | [[Heather and Jesus talk.]]
/ Heather: When you set a cat on fire... / Heather: ...it _changes._ / [[Heather and Jesus stare at each other.]] / Jesus: Are you sure you know what a "metaphor" is?
/ Heather: I'm not positive. Is it flammable? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=496 |
| Metawhore - LITJ 497 | [[Heather thinks, while Jesus looks on.]] / [[Still thinking.]] / [[Still thinking.]] / Heather: Does it have something to do with prostitution?
/ Jesus: No.
/ Heather: But it _rhymes_ with "whore".
/ Jesus: Try again. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=497 |
| She's Up For Anything - LITJ 498 | [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: You're making less sense than you do normally. Are you on drugs? / [[Heather speaks to Jesus.]]
/ Heather: Like, right now? / Heather: ...or in _general?_ / Jesus: If you have to ask...
/ Heather: 'Cause I'm out of drugs right now, but I'm up for anything. _Anything._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=498 |
| The Wrong Lesson - LITJ 499 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Hey, God? It's me, Heather. / Heather: I wanted to thank you for bringing me back to life. I think I learned a lot from my experience. / Heather: I learned about humility, and about my place in the universe. I learned that life is precious, and that we should all treasure it. / God: Did you learn anything about morphine? Or any of the other things that, you know, _killed you?_
/ Heather: Hell, yeah! I gotta stop buying drugs from Paco, he's getting unreliable. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=499 |
| Missing The Point - LITJ 500 | [[Heather and God speak.]]
/ God: Are you serious? You died of a morphine overdose in a Taco Bell bathroom...and the only lesson you learned is "don't buy drugs from Paco"? / God: What do you think you could do to, you know, _prevent it_ from happening again?
/ Heather: Oh, that's easy. / Heather: I never wanna O.D. in a Taco Bell bathroom ever again. / Heather: So I better stop going to Taco Bell.
/ God: This is why we can't have nice things. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=500 |
| Rumors - LITJ 501 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ God: So, do you have any plans this weekend? / Heather: Well, I was gonna head on over to Paco's place...maybe pick up a couple of bags of smack... / Heather: ...when I'm done with that I think I'm gonna go pick up something to eat. I've got a serious craving for a Gordita Supreme, with Pintos 'N Cheese on the side. / God: Are you aware of how stupid you are?
/ Heather: I've heard rumors. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=501 |
| A Need For Tacos - LITJ 502 | [[Heather speaks to God.]]
/ Heather: Is there anything else?
/ God: No, I said everything I wanted to say. / God: What are your plans for the future? / [[Heather thinks.]] / Heather: Do you think Paco'll give me a ride to Taco Bell?
/ God: Really?
/ Heather: I gotta make a run for the border.
/ God: Try not to die until _after_ lunch, okay? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=502 |
| Not Really An Accident - LITJ 503 | [[God speaks.]]
/ God: Hmmm...I wonder... / God: Would she? / God: No, she's better than that. / [[Charlie appears far in the background.]]
/ Charlie: Somebody call an ambulance! There's been an accident in the bathroom at Taco Bell!
/ God: Or not. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=503 |
| A Death In The Family - LITJ 504 | [[A portrait of Heather.]]
/ Text: Heather Greely, 1971-2010. Rest In Peace. "You can take the girl out of the crazy, but you can't...look the bitch is just fucking crazy." -- A Talking Box Of Robitussin http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=504 |
| Charlie Don't Clean Up Stuff - LITJ 505 | [[Empty panel.]] / [[Empty panel.]] / [[Empty panel.]] / [[Charlie appears, far in the background.]]
/ Charlie: So, nobody's gonna help me clean up her body? Anybody? Hello? You guys are fucking _bastards._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=505 |
| Let The Body Hit The Floor - LITJ 506 | [[Charlie and Robitussin do something just off panel.]]
/ Robitussin: Hurry up, _hurry up!_
/ Charlie: I'm trying! / [[Charlie and Robitussin leave.]]
/ Charlie: Jesus said He'd be cool with this?
/ Robitussin: Yeah. Sure. / [[Someone speaks from off-panel.]]
/ Voice: Hello? Is somebody out there? / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: What smells like morphine sulfate and refried beans? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=506 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 >>