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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - LITJ 61 Jesus: This is really hard for me to say, but you forced me to. It's about US. / Jesus: Stop telling people that we're friends. Yeah, I forgave your sins and all, but we are NOT buddies. We don't even talk anymore. Not really. / Jesus: It's like you don't even listen to me anymore. I say 'love one another' and you hear 'God hates fags'. How the hell does that even work? / Jesus: So, um, look. I'm breaking up with you. Trust me, it's for the best. I'm gonna become a Hare Krishna.
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An Explanation - LITJ 62 [[Text on a blank background.]] / Text: An Explanation / [[Jesus speaks.]] / Jesus:It has come to my attention that some of you do not understand what this comic is all about. Some of you need 'continuity' and 'plot'. / Jesus: We are beyond your petty Western constructs of logic and coherency! What we do here is called 'non-linear humor' or "it's funny because it doesn't make sense." I will not repeat this. / Jesus: There will be a quiz. If you fail, I get to spank your ass with a squid. Does that get you hot? It gets me hot.
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Not A Requirement - LITJ 63 [[Jesus and Heather talking.]] / Heather: So, let me get this straight. / Jesus: Sure. / Heather: The Outer Gods really do exist. Azathoth is a black hole at the center of the universe. The Blind Idiot God knows all, sees all. / Heather: Every U.S. president since Taft, except for Regan, has been an avatar of Nyarlathotep. God, as in Your Dad, created all of this because He gets bored, and getting people to worship wierd stuff amuses Him. Like those guys that worsip carpet. / Heather: Does that sound right? / Jesus: Yup. / Heather: Am I required to believe this stuff? / Jesus: No. In fact, if you do, you'll burn in Hell. / Heather: Ahh.
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That Was Not A Deer - LITJ 64 [[The side of a modern train engine.]] / Text: That was not a deer. Hitting a deer doesn't sound like that. / [[The side of a modern train engine.]] / Text:It doesn't go "Thump whap ding chunk chunk chunk dong dong...Thunk ding thump...whap whap dear Jesus God I'm dying fuck... / [[The side of a modern train engine, slightly damaged.]] / Text: Whompboom...BOOM...Plink thump plinkplink... / [[The side of a modern train engine, VERY damaged.]] / Text: Crunh thump." So, no, Jerry. I don't think the cops are following us because we hit a deer. I do, however, think you're an idiot.
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How It's Supposed To Work - LITJ 65 [[Jesus and Nixon talk.]] / Jesus: Yes, that IS how it's supposed to work. / Nixon: No, it's not. / Jesus: I am holding a loaf of WonderBread. This is so that, in the event that you try to give me some bread, I will already have some. I don't NEED your fucking bread. / Jesus: After all, the Good Book says "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask for bread, will he give him a rock?" (Matthew 7:9) I already got the goddamn bread, so gimme the rock. / Nixon: I don't think Matthew meant crack cocaine! / Jesus: You're gonna tell Me how to interpret the Bible? / Nixon: Touché.
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I Can Explain That - LITJ 66 [[Jesus listening to an iPod, done in the style of Apple's iPod commercials.]] / [[Jesus and Heather talking to each other.]] / Heather: Hey! When did YOU gt an iPod? / Jesus: Got it for My birthday. / Heather: Whatcha listening to? / Jesus: Uhh...The Misfits? Dead Kennedys? / Heather: Lemme see that... / Heather: The Spice Girls? / Jesus: I can explain that. / Heather: Really. / Jesus: I'm on ecstasy. / Heather: Whatever. / Nixon: Bling!
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Trapped - LITJ 67 [[Jesus, very close close-up and blurry.]] / Jesus: Trapped in the Matrix! / [[Jesus, with a 9mm Glock.]] / Jesus: Operator, I'm gonna need guns. Lots and lots of guns. / [[Jesus, very close and blurry, moreso than before.]] / Jesus: I am the ONE. Nobody fucks with my meth stash. / [[Jesus staring off panel, Heather behind Him.]] / Jesus: I know Kung Fu. / Heather: Who are you talking to?
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Your Logic Is Flawless - LITJ 68 Jesus: YOU. The Oracle! / Heather: What the hell are you talking about? / Jesus: This morning I was smoking meth and I saw how we could defeat the machines and take back the Matrix. I must have your advice. I must partake of your wisdom. / Heather: Lay it on me. / Jesus: First, you give me all your money. I will spend it on more methamphetamine. After that, champagne and hookers. And cocaine. And Cheetos. / Heather: Your logic is flawless. / Jesus: It's all about the Benjamins, baby. / Heather: So I see. / Jesus: Operator, I need an exit. / Heather: Don't we all.
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Equally Possible - LITJ 69 [[Jesus in front of Van Gogh's "Wheat Field" as the background.]] / Jesus: Where the hell am I? / [[Jesus looks around.]] / Jesus: Either I am COMPLETELY wasted...or I'm in a Van Gogh painting. / [[Nixon appears at the lower right corner.]] / Jesus: Either solution is equally possible. I could also still be in the Matrix. / Nixon: Jello shots!
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That Was Then - LITJ 70 [[Robitussin stands behind Heather.]] / Robitussin: Hey... / Heather: Get thee behind me. / Robitussin: Don't ignore me. / Heather: I'm not your buddy anymore. / Robitussin: Really? / Heather: Um... / Robitussin: All the good times we've had... / Heather: What about all the jail time? I drank six quarts of extra strength. The chipmunks told me to rob that liquor store. Now I'm a crackwhore. / Robitussin: Damn. / Heather: Can you blame me? / Robitussin: Not really, no. / Heather: Fuck you.
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It's Not Cheating - LITJ 71 [[Robitussin stands behind Heather.]] / Robitussin: Come back to the Club. / Heather: But... / Robitussin: We need our Prophet. / Heather: It's not that simple....There's...someone else. / [[In the distance behind Robitussin, Jesus can be seen looking for Robitussin, armed with a Glock.]] / [[Robitussin is nowhere to be seen.]] / Heather: He's jealous, Robitussin! "Do no worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." Exodus 34:13-15. I love you!
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No Offense - LITJ 72 [[Jesus brandishes a sniper rifle.]] / Jesus: I will bring pon you the blood vengeance of my wraith and jealous anger. Ezekiel 16:38 For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee. / Heather: No! / [[Robitussin, as seen through the scope of a sniper rifle.]] / Jesus: He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him. / Jesus:I'll chase him 'roung the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up! / Heather: You're ripping off Star Trek now? / Jesus: No offense. / Heather: Why would I be offended? / Jesus: Nevermind.
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The New Robitussin Club - LITJ 73 [[Robitussin stands alone, talking to itself.]] / Robitussin: I am hunted. If Robitussin Club is to survive, we must evolve. Survival of the fittest. / Robitussin: We must become better. Stronger. Faster. And we're gonna need a lot of guns. / Robitussin: But how? / [[Robitussin talks to Heather, wearing a giant Soviet military hat.]] / Robitussin: From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs, comrade! / Heather: These new rules suck. / Robitussin: Glory, glory!
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China Won't Protect You - LITJ 74 [[Robitussin, wearing his Russian military hat, talks to Heather.]] / Robitussin: Capitalist production, therefore, develops technology, and the combining together of various processes into a social whore, only by sapping the original sources of all wealth - the soil and the labourer. It's simple. / Heather: Look... / [[Heather appears alone.]] / Heather: I get the Marxist thing. Can I offer you some advice? Just a little bit. / Heather: China isn't going to protect you from Jesus. If they won't stop bootleg copies of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they won't stop the Risen Christ. Trust me. / [[Robitussin appears, having lost the Russian hat.]] / Robitussin: Damnit. / Heather: Wow...He is gonna kick your ass.
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The Hunted - LITJ 75 [[Robitussin in the foreground, a factory-filled city behind it.]] / Text: In the heart of the city, he wals alone. / [[Robitussin in the desert.]] / Text: He hides in the cracks in between civilizations. In the wastelands. / [[Heather.]] / Text: He has left a trail of victims, wretched and destroyed. / Heather: Let's hump squirrels! You get the staples and I'll get the KY Jelly. I am completely wasted. / [[Jesus.]] / Text: The hunter has become the hunted. / Jesus: For now I will stretch out my hand, that I may smite thee and thy people with a pestilence; and thou shals be cut off from the earth. Exodus 9:15
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In The Wastelands - LITJ 76 [[The desert. All dialog in in word balloons.]] / Text: In the wastelands... / Robitussin: What am I gonna do? / Robitussin: Jesus is trying to kill me. I have pissed off the Savior of Mankind so bad that he is hunting me with a 9mm pistol. / Jesus: Hunting in the wrong word. A better word would be 'toying' or 'plotting to kill'. You can't fuck with fate. / Robitussin: Damnit... / Robitussin: I keep forgetting who your dad is. You scared the shit out of me. / Jesus: I understand.
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Almighty Spanking - LITJ 77 [[Jesus and Robitussin face off.]] / God: All right, that's enough. / Jesus: Holy shit, it's Dad! / God: What seems to be the problem? / Jesus: He's trying to steal my worshippers! / Robitussin: That's a lie! I'm just trying to suppress their coughs! / Jesus: Bitch! / Robitussin: Whore! / God: QUIET! / God: Do NOT make me pull this universe over. / Jesus: You don't want a spanking from the Almighty. Trust me. / Robitussin: I think I wet myself.
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Greatest of These is Love - LITJ 78 [[Jesus and Robitussin talk.]] / Jesus: Let me be the first to propose a truce. / Robitussin: I'm listening. / Jesus: "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34. I love you, Robitussin, as I love all the dissociative psychedelics. Like ketamine and PCP. / Jesus: I am willing to let your...cult...survive. For now. Go forth, then, and suppress coughs. I love you. / Robitussin: Love, huh? / Jesus: Yes. / Robitussin: And not because God threatened to beat your ass? / Jesus: Fuck you. / Robitussin: I love you, too.
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Plural Donkeys - LITJ 79 [[Jesus far in the background, Heather in the foreground.]] / Jesus: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit / Heather: Jesus? You all right? / [[Jesus faces Heather.]] / Jesus: It's the fucking donkeys! Donkii. Is that the word for plural donkeys? / Heather: No. / Jesus: Bitch betta have my money. / Jesus: The space-time continuum is making my teeth itch. / Heather: You don't say. / Jesus: Of course, because that would defeat the whole purpose. / [[Jesus, far in the background again, runs away as Heather talks to Robitussin.]] / Heather: What the hell's wrong with Him? / Robitussin: He's not normally like this? / Heather: Not on weekdays. / Jesus: I'M GONNA STAB A DONKEY!
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For Real - LITJ 80 [[Robitussin and Heather talk.]] / Heather: So...He knows about us? / Robitussin: Yeah. / Heather: And He's ok with it? / Robitussin: Not really. I'm not allowed to let anybody worship me anymore. I'm only allowed to suppress coughs. / Heather: For real? / Robitussin: For real. / [[Heather and Jesus talk. Heather is high on Robitussin.]] / Heather: This cold is kicking my ASS. / Jesus: You don't say.
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Wicked Sick - LITJ 81 [[Heather is wasted on Robitussin, talking to Jesus.]] / Heather: No, really. I'm fucking wicked sick. / Jesus: Hey. Listen. / Jesus: All I said was that you couldn't worship Robitussin. You don't have to sorship him to get high on him. His power does not come from God, it comes from _you_. / Heather: So all I have to do it... / Jesus: Drink him? Yup. / [[Heather brandishes a pistol, threatening Robitussin.]] / Heather: YOU BETTER HURRY THE FUCK UP, BITCH! / Robitussin: I'm pouring, I'm pouring! / Heather: GIVE IT UP! / Robitussin: I'm pouring as fast as I can!
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Toys In The Attic - LITJ 82 [[A child plays with toys.]] / [[Two men, sitting in a tank.]] / Frank: Those toys made in China? / Captain: Nope. The United States. / [[The same child plays with toys.]] / [[Two men, sitting in a tank.]] / Frank: Goddamn Communist. / Captain: Terrorist, Frank. We kill terrorists, now. / Frank: Goddamn Terrorist.
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Start Pouring - LITJ 83 [[Jesus and Robitussin talk.]] / Robitussin: Jesus! You've got to help me! / Jesus: What seems to be the problem? / Robitussin: Heather won't leave me alone. She has a gun. She's not afraid to use it. / Jesus: What does she want? / Robitussin: What the fuck do you think she wants? She wants to get HIGH. / Jesus: You think so? / Robitussin: Pretty sure. / [[Heather comes up behind them waving a gun.]] / Jesus: What do you think _I_ want? / Robitussin: Goddamnit. / Jesus: I think you better start pouring. / Heather: YOU BETTER START POURING! BITCH!
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It's Not A Problem - LITJ 84 [[Heather and Jesus talk.]] / Heather: What are you saying? / Jesus: I think you know what I'm saying. / Jesus: You have a problem. / Heather: With what? / Jesus: You know what. / Heather: But... / Heather: I don't have a problem. / Jesus: I can't hear you. / Heather: I don't have a problem. / Jesus: What's that? / [[Heather and Jesus talk; Robitussin is far in the background.]] / Jesus: 47 bottles a day is a problem. / Heather: Oh, _that_. It's not a problem. / Robitussin: DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! / Jesus: Sure.
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Robitussin and Heatherette - LITJ 85 [[Heather and Robitussin talk.]] / Heather: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Robitussin is the sun. / Robitussin: These violent delights have violent ends. / Heather: I know not how to tell thee who I am. My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it's an enemy to thee. / Robitussin: Love give me strength, and strength will help me through. / Heather: O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. / Robitussin: For real? / [[Heather pulls a pistol on Robitussin.]] / Heather: And by 'die' I mean 'get really fucking high'. / Robitussin: Damnit. / Heather: You better start pouring.
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That's The Situation - LITJ 86 [[A girl and a boy pose together. They are only seen from the shoulders down.]] / Text: That's the situation, bitch. / Text: You cook, you clean. I work to support us. / Text: You're supposed to do what I tell you to do. / Text: So stop packing that suitcase.
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The Kings of Utah, Part One - LITJ 87 [[A long distance view of a nuclear blast.]] / Text: 2160 AD. The apocalypse. / [[The desert.]] / Text: North America is a wasteland. / [[An old map of the U.S.A.]] / Text: Split into dozens of city-states, the U.S. is now fractures. It is here that *they* rule. / [[The silhouettes of two men.]] / Text: The Kings of Utah. / [[The exterior of a large building.]] / Text: The headquarters of *The Mormon Hegemony*. / [[A man, his eyes hidden by a black bar, shouts.]] / Man: *LISTEN!* An incoming transmission! / [[A radio plays the transmission.]] / Radio: Aliens have landed in the northeast quadrant of Sector 'R'. They are armed and dangerous. Call in the Kings of Utah! / [[The radio continues, while the Man talks to it from off panel.]] / Man: *Goddamnit!* / Radio: These are not illegal aliens, these are "from space" aliens. Like in "E.T." / Man: Oh. / Radio: Put away the rope.
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Lots of Cash - LITJ 88 [[The radio transmission continues.]] / Radio: The Kings of Utah are missing! Today, Steve from the Ministry of Information reports that the Kings went missing sometime around last Tuesday. / Radio: They could be anywhere in Missouri or Illinois. Maybe in Vegas. Or Atlantic City. They like to gamble. / [[A roulette wheel.]] / Text: C'mon black. Daddy's gotta buy his way out of a mob hit. / [[The radio continues.]] / Radio: They are, however, not very good at it. Check local hospitals for broken legs, collarbones, and skull fractures. Bring lots of cash.
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That's Not An ATM - LITJ 89 [[Steve One, one of the Kings of Utah, talks to Steve Two, the other King of Utah, off panel.]] / Steve One: Hey Steve...that was somebody from Harrah's on the phone. We gotta go. NOW. / Steve Two: Just one second. / Steve One: What are you doing?!? We don't have time for this! / Steve Two: I'm getting my ATM card out. Remind me to stop off at the gas station to take out money. / Steve One: You don't have a bank account... / [[Steve One and Two have their guns out.]] / Steve Two: EMPTY THE FUCKING REGISTER! / Steve One: Dude, that's not an ATM, that's a Mexican.
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Previously - LITJ 90 Text: Previously on Leave It To Jesus / [[The Kings of Utah pointing their guns.]] / Text: The Kings of Utah robbed a gas station in the Nevada desert. Running from a mob hit, they go underground, losing contact with the Mormon Hegemony. / [[The Mormon Hegemony HQ.]] / Text: Aliens have landed in northern Utah, capturing Brigham City and using it as a secret base. Eventually, the aliens align themselves with anyone named 'Bob' or 'Frank', creating a serious threat to the continued existance of the Hegemony. / [[Elmo, drunk and waving a gun around.]] / Text: This has absolutely nothing to do with the story. This is just an edgey picture. It's edgey because Elmo has a gun.
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