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| More Than Me - LITJ 121 | [[Charlie and Jesus talk.]]
/ Charlie: I've got a question for you.
/ Jesus: Yeah? / Charlie: What's the whole crucifixion thing like? / Jesus: Well...it sucks. / Charlie: More than me?
/ Jesus: Way more. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=121 |
| We Better Leave - LITJ 122 | [[Jesus and Heather talk.]]
/ Jesus: Did you talk to the waitress?
/ Heather: Yeah. / [[A wisp of smoke appears.]]
/ Heather: I told her that we were quite unhappy with our service. / [[The smoke increases.]]
/ Jesus: Do I smell smoke? / [[Even more smoke.]]
/ Jesus: Did you set the waitress on fire? _Again?_
/ Heather: We better leave before the cops get here. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=122 |
| It's A Hobby - LITJ 123 | [[Heather and Jesus talk.]]
/ Heather: If you could wish for _anything_, what would it be? / Jesus: That's a tough one. Probably a fifty gallon drum of napalm and a dildo. / Heather: Wow. / Jesus: Don't look at me like that! A savior's gotta have hobbies.
/ Heather: I think I wet myself. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=123 |
| We Need Cheese For This - LITJ 124 | [[A wasted Heather talks to Charlie.]]
/ Heather: Dude.
/ Charlie: Yeah? / Heather: _Dude._
/ Charlie: What?! / Heather: Dude... / Heather: We need some _cheese._
/ Charlie: Fucking stoner. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=124 |
| It Doesn't Make You Sound Cool - LITJ 125 | [[An intoxicated Heather talks to Charlie.]]
/ Heather: Dude, I am totally _wasted_...like, dude.
/ Charlie: Goddamnit... / Charlie: Do you thing using "dude" every other word makes you sound cool? 'Cause it doesn't. For _real_. / Charlie: It makes you sound like a fucking dumbass.
/ Heather: Really?
/ Charlie: Really. / Heather: Dude, I'm like totally sorry for saying "dude" all the time. Dude.
/ Charlie: I'm out.
/ Heather: Don't harse my buzz, dude. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=125 |
| Call The Lawyer - LITJ 126 | [[An intoxicated Heather talks to Jesus.]]
/ Heather: This party is fucking _awesome_, man.
/ Jesus: Listen... / Jesus: Now, I don't know who called the cops. However...trying to stab the cop with an unopened box of Gordon's fish sticks wasn't really a solution. / Jesus: Got anything to say for yourself? / Heather: Fucking pig said I looked like Darth Vader.
/ Jesus: Hey Charlie? You better call that lawyer. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=126 |
| Points For Style - LITJ 127 | [[Charlie and Jesus talk.]]
/ Jesus: How are things looking for Heather? / Charlie: Not so good. / Charlie: The lawyer says that the only thing going for us is that being a dumbfuck isn't illegal. / Jesus: Well, thank Me for small favors.
/ Charlie: No shit.
/ Jesus: I would've gotten a life sentence for that thing with the penguins and the hookers.
/ Charlie: You get mad points for style, though. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=127 |
| Brainstorming - LITJ 128 | [[Heather and Jesus talks.]]
/ Heather: Gerbils. Thousands of them. / Heather: And I'll need at least three Catholic priests. Oh, and an acetylene torch. / Jesus: What? / Heather: Just brainstorming. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=128 |
| Only Different - LITJ 129 | [[Heather and Jesus talk.]]
/ Jesus: Go on.
/ Heather: Basically... / Heather: ...it's pretty much the same, only, you know... / Heather: ...only...
/ Jesus: Different?
/ Heather: Yeah. / Jesus: Your argument for Ronald McDonald being a Jewish Rastafarian isn't very sound.
/ Heather: You think I'm stupid, don't you?
/ Jesus: Yes. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=129 |
| The Dozens - LITJ 130 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Charlie: Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. / Charlie: Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "picture continued on other side". / Heather: Yo mama's so fat I had to stab her sixteen times with an icepick before she died. / Charlie: That isn't...ketchup?
/ Heather: You gonna help me stash this body or what? http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=130 |
| The Hard Way - LITJ 131 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Charlie: You...you killed my _Mom_!
/ Heather: Yes. No. / Heather: _Maybe_. / Heather: It's not really murder, it's more like...uhhh... / Heather: ..."making fertilizer the hard way".
/ Charlie: You're a monster!
/ Heather: Only when I run out of dope. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=131 |
| Elder Ones On A Plane - LITJ 132 | [[Cthulhu grips an airplane in His mouth tentacles. The plane thinks...]]
/ Airplane: Holy shit! / [[The airplane struggles in Cthulhu's grip.]]
/ Airplane: We got motherfucking Cthulhu on this motherfucking plane! / [[The airplane escapes, thinking...]]
/ Airplane: Away! / [[Cthulhu thinks while Heather ducks in to comment on the airplane's escape.]]
/ Cthulhu: Ben Stein's money is mine.
/ Heather: That's how we roll here: two months late and completely incoherent. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=132 |
| Father Figure - LITJ 133 | [[Jesus and Heather talk.]]
/ Jesus: And then he wrote what?
/ Heather: Get this: "we got fucking Cthulhu on this fucking plane". / Jesus: Oh, no he didn't.
/ Heather: Oh yes he _did_, girlfriend. / [[Jesus and Heather stare at each other.]] / Jesus: If you call me 'girlfriend' ever again I'll flay you alive.
/ Heather: Can I call you 'Daddy'?
/ Jesus: _Yes._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=133 |
| Multidimensional Self Reference - LITJ 134 | [[Jesus talks to God.]]
/ God: So, hey, tell him that the comic does too much 'fourth wall' humor.
/ Jesus: Come again? / God: Too much self-referential humor. It's losing its charm. It wasn't that funny to begin with.
/ Jesus: Who do you want me to tell this to? / God: You know...the guy who writes this comic.
/ Jesus: You mean the guy that wrote this strip? The, uh, author? / [[Heather appears in the background.]]
/ God: _*snort*_ Heh heh, I hadn't thought of it like that.
/ Heather: I AM COMPLETELY CONFUSED.
/ Jesus: That's, like, six and a quarter walls. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=134 |
| I Ordered This With Ketchup - LITJ 135 | [[Heather stands in front of an explosion with an airplane flying over the explosion.]]
/ Heather: Jesus wants His nose back.
/ Text: Batshit motherfucking insane - It's not insanity if it doesn't come with ketchup. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=135 |
| Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - LITJ 136 | [[Charlie and Heather talk.]]
/ Charlie: Are you...seeing somebody else? / Heather: Baby, you _know_ I love you... / Heather: He's just so hard to resist. I can't help myself... / Charlie: It's hard to compete with the Savior of Mankind.
/ Heather: If it makes you feel any better, He's hung like a midget hamster. A stunted midget hamster. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=136 |
| Revelations - LITJ 137 | [[Jesus and Heather talk.]]
/ Jesus: You told him _what?_
/ Heather: That we had been...you know..._together._ / [[Charlie comes up behind Jesus.]]
/ Jesus: Don't think for a _second_ that this makes you my girlfriend.
/ Charlie: Hey! Jesus! / [[Charlie and Jesus talk.]]
/ Jesus: You...you stay away from me. I have a gun. I know how to use it. / Charlie: That's not a gun.
/ Jesus: Oh yeah, smart guy? What is it then?
/ Charlie: Holy shit, He really is hung like a hamster.
/ Jesus: STOP LOOKING AT ME. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=137 |
| The Feeling Is Mutual - LITJ 138 | [[Heather cries alone.]]
/ Heather: _*sob*_ Charlie left me! _*sob*_ / Heather: I told him, Jesus is, like, God and stuff, and it's pretty hard to say 'no' to the Creator of Heaven and Earth. He called me a whore, and I was like, well, duh! / Heather: Who am I going to turn to now? / [[Heather and Robitussin talk.]]
/ Robitussin: Get the blowtorch. The trick is to do it really fast.
/ Heather: I love you too, Robitussin. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=138 |
| Explanations and Exposition - LITJ 139 | [[Heather and Robitussin talk.]]
/ Heather: I'm not sure I understand.
/ Robitussin: I'll explain it one more time. / Robitussin: First, we kidnap Gary Coleman, forcing him into a 1973 Chrysler Newport at gunpoint. We will paint him white and try to get him to have sex with the corpse of Dana Plato. If this fails we will set a donkey on fire. / Robitussin: We will name the donkey Richard Nixon, and we will ask Gary to have sex with Richard's corpse while it is still on fire. We will record this on Betamax video tapes, which we will sell to the Chinese. / Heather: What does this have to do with my salvation, again?
/ Robitussin: Oh, and tequila! We're gonna do some tequila shooters. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=139 |
| A Few Good...Things - LITJ 140 | [[Heather and Robitussin talk.]]
/ Heather: I want you to tell me the truth.
/ Robitussin: The truth? / Robitussin: You want the truth?!? You can't handle the truth. / [[Heather and Robitussin stare at each other.]] / [[Heather leaves.]]
/ Heather: If you're not going to take this seriously, I'm leaving.
/ Robitussin: Come back!
/ Heather: I'll be back later.
/ Robitussin: Pick up some tequila. And Betamax tapes. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=140 |
| Loving You Is Easy - LITJ 141 | [[Charlie talks to someone off-panel.]]
/ Charlie: Hey, baby? Is that you? It's three o'clock in the morning... / [[The muzzle of a pistol comes into view.]]
/ Charlie: Baby, now, don't you do nothing rash.... You know I love you, right, baby? / Charlie: Right? / [[Heather comes into view, pointing the pistol at Charlie.]]
/ Heather: Take off your pants.
/ Charlie: Is this make-up sex?
/ Heather: Not yet.
/ Pistol: *click* http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=141 |
| Be My Sexual Chocolate - LITJ 142 | [[A very intoxicated Heather talks to Robitussin.]]
/ Robitussin: Where have you been? I waited up for you _all night_. / Heather: Uh...umm...yeah. / Robitussin: That's not an answer. / Heather: Hook the electrodes up to my nipples, Raoul..._be my sexual chocolate_.
/ Robitussin: That's not really an answer either, but I'll take what I can get. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=142 |
| He Wants A Pony - LITJ 143 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: You wanna know what I think about gay marriage? / Charlie: I think that marriage should be illegal, and that we should set people who speak Portuguese on fire. I don't care if you're gay or straight, as long as I get to dump napalm on you. / Charlie: I also think that they should put "Sanford and Son" back on T.V. using the corpse of Redd Foxx crudely re-animated with random parts from Radio Shack. Also, I want a pony. / Charlie: Then again, I once ate a half gallon of white exterior latex paint for lunch. That was the day I quit doing Extra Strength. I'm a Robitussin Cold and Cough man, now. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=143 |
| Stay The Course - LITJ 144 | [[Charlie speaks.]]
/ Charlie: People aske me what I think about the Iraq war. If I think that _they've_ gone too far. / Charlie: I don't think we've gone _far enough_. We need to _stay the course_. / Charlie: I think we should invade Ohio next. And Utah. Maybe even Pennsylvania. / Charlie: We can start by calling rednecks "insurgents". Everybody wins. Especially me and my AK-47. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=144 |
| Breaking Up Is Hard To Do 2 - LITJ 145 | [[Robitussin and Heather talk.]]
/ Robitussin: Are you...seeing somebody else? / Heather: Baby, you _know_ I love you... / Heather: He's just so hard to resist. I can't help myself... / Robitussin: It's hard to compete with a psychotic drug addict.
/ Heather: If it makes you feel any better, he's hung like an elephant. An elephant on steroids. A lot of steroids. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=145 |
| Eye Of The Beholder - LITJ 146 | [[Heather and Jesus talk.]]
/ Heather: What are your thoughts on censorship? / Jesus: Oh, I'm definitely for it. / Jesus: All of man's true works of literature should be the only books allowed in the libraries of our schools. / Heather: I don't think most people would find Korean scat/bestiality porn to be literature.
/ Jesus: Eye of the beholder, man. _Eye of the beholder._ http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=146 |
| A Better Place - LITJ 147 | [[A letter, addressed to Jesus.]]
/ Letter: Dear Jesus, the devil lives in my forehead so it's all red and puffy anyway, so is it me or am I made out of blood and stars? / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Nope: Can't figure out what the hell he's talking about. Wanna take this one, Robitussin? / [[Robitussin speaks.]]
/ Robitussin: Dude. *DUDE*. Put down the bong and start taking the chlorpromazine. The medication can't work if you don't take it, man. / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Yup, that's right. Psychological advice from a talking box of cough syrup and a clip art picture of Jesus. Make the world a better place, one instance of misplaced trust at a time. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=147 |
| Hunter S. Thompson - LITJ 148 | [[A letter to Jesus, along with the words "Letters to Christ".]]
/ Letter: Dear Jesus, If you could make anybody President, who would it be? / [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Oh, that's easy. Hunter S. Thompson. I'll wait while you check Google. / Jesus: * doobie doobie doo * / Jesus: Wouldn't that be _awesome_? And, yes, I realize he's dead. It would still rule. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=148 |
| Bat Country - LITJ 149 | [[Jesus speaks.]]
/ Jesus: Careful. / Jesus: This is *Bat Country!* / [[Heather comes up behind Jesus, looking downward.]] / [[Heather stares at Jesus.]]
/ Jesus: Shhh! I'm trying to hear time melt.
/ Heather: Where are your pants?
/ Jesus: They have become one with the Void. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=149 |
| The Greater Evil - LITJ 150 | [[Heather and Jesus speak.]]
/ Jesus: So...who are you voting for today? / Heather: Same guy I vote for every year. / Heather: I write in 'Cthulhu' for just about every election. If it's a 'yes' or 'no' thing, I vote for the one that will piss the most people off. / Heather: I mean, why vote for the lesser evil? A vote for Cthulhu is a vote for...well...you probably don't want to know. http://officialjesuschrist.com/main.php?strip=150 |
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