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| Hawaiian Shirt Day | Computer science professor: Before I start class, I'd like to point out that the computer science department has a new chair and I would also like to point out that this new chair has refused to move into his office until the floor is carpeted. CARPETED! / Computer science professor: So as you pursue your higher education, keep in mind that your rising tuition is not only going to fund massive redundant sports arenas, is not also being diverted from professor salaries, but is also getting thrown down the toilet at FRIVOLOUS crap for JACKASSES! / [[Drew looks puppy-eyed at the professor]]
/ Drew: This is going to be the best semester ever.
/ Computer science professor: Christ. Screw it. Class is over. Office hours will be from three to five at the cheapest bar I can find. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-09-16 |
| We'll Call Him Lando | [[Matt reads the computer screen]]
/ Screen: Dear Matt Diversity of student populations is a big issue in colleges these days. Thinking back, I remember most of the people ayou hang out with are white. Is there a problem with tension between different ethnicities on your campus? Love, Mom / [[Focus shifts to Micah (who is asian) and JM (who is white), who are playing a video game]]
/ Micah: Please note I just laid the smackdown on your pasty honky cracker ass.
/ JM: Oh, go eat a dog. / [[Focus returns to Matt at his computer]]
/ Screen (Matt typing): Dear Mom, I have no idea http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-09-20 |
| Ian's Adventures in Morrowind | [[Ham and Moogle standing with swords]]
/ Cover Page
/ IAN'S ADVENTURES
/ IN
/ The Elder Scrolls III
/ MORROWIND
/ AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
/ MODDER'S TALE http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-09-27 |
| When Stupid Attacks | Leroy: Excuse me, professor?
/ Professor: *Sigh...* Yes Leroy? / Leroy: Isn't it true that sound must be electromagnetic in nature, since radio waves can carry music stations? / < http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-10-14 |
| You're Mom's on Fire | Prof. Dave Theison: Well, like I've been saying for the past hour, I really don't think the solution to artificial intelligence is "to wait until they invent those positronic brains like on Star Trek."
/ Leroy: But... / Drew: Leroy, thank goodness I found you! Call home quick, your mother is on fire!
/ Leroy: My God! / Drew: Now that he's gone, I'd like to apply for this teaching assistant position you were advertising.
/ Prof. Dave Theison: Well, you've sold me. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-10-18 |
| Quit correcting my grammar | Matt: Someone stole a wheel off my bike last night.
/ JM: Man, that's a shame. / Matt: What the hell is wrong with these people, JM? I mean, everyone's mother tells them that stealing is bad, right? What were they doing while that was going on? Not paying attention? Distracted? Were they thinking about candy? / Matt: Or what about church! Or even children's television! I know you can't watch G.I. Joe for long without someone telling you at the end not to steal stuff! / JM: I don't know what to tell you, Matt. The world is a prisoner's dilemma, and the guy in the other cell doesn't cooperate.
/ Matt: What kind of un-American bike-stealing jackass motherfucker is it who doesn't like G.I. Joe? What the fuck is wrong with these people? http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-10-23 |
| Just Sayin' | JM: All I'm saying is, people talk about wasted youth, but I think there's a more important dimension to the discussion. See, we're essentially an adolescent society. First it's what we yearn to reach, and afterwards it's what we yearn to return to. / JM: If you accept that as true, I think it follows that the challenge for our generation is shaking this off and not only entering adulthood, but embracing the reality and responsibilities that go with it. After all, no one is going to do it for us, right? / Micah: Are you going to yap away at me the whole time I'm playing EverQuest, or what?
/ JM: I'm just sayin', is all. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-10-30 |
| Where the hell is the comic? | [[Orip is looking through a window]]
/ WARNING! BIO-HAZARD! http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-10-31 |
| Day after Halloween special | [[It appears to be Halloween. Mike is dressed as Tycho and Matt in a poorly made ghost costume]]
/ Mike: Let me guess: Your bag has a rock in it.
/ Matt: Story of my life brother. / [[Alan is dressed as Greg Dean and Kevin as Davan Macintire]]
/ Alan: Great costume, but where did you ever find a hairless cat?
/ Kevin: I shaved Ian's. / [[JM is dressed as Largo and Ian as Piro]]
/ JM: Hey, while you're up, could you get me a beer?
/ Ian: Well I could, but it would take me at least 3 months. / [[Micah is dressed as Hero and Helen as Cherry Blossomfeather]]
/ Helen: What the hell is everyone talking about? And who am I dressed as with this hoochie skirt? I don't understand any of this!
/ Micah: Don't worry, you're still in character. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-11-01 |
| Making the roommate happy | [[Micah is walking in the snow, ranting]]
/ Micah: I don't know why everyone has such a bug up their collective asses about me and online RPGs. Sure, I spend a lot of time playing games. So what? Everyone's got a hobby. / Micah: As far as I'm concerned, everyone can take their stupid babysitter crap and stuff it. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. As long as I can keep my grades up, it's nobody else's business what I do. / [[Ian, Micah, and random guy wearing a Weezer hoodie are standing in the snow]]
/ Ian: But your grades are terrible.
/ Micah: As long as I can keep lying to my parents about my grades, it's NOBODY ELSE'S BUSINESS WHAT I DO, goddammit.
/ Random guy: Damn you MCCONVILLE! ***
/ {{*** Artist's note: This has nothing to do with the comic}} http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-11-04 |
| Glowing means Future | [[Ian is playing video games, JM is watching.]]
/ JM: You know, I think video games are the new shared culture.
/ Ian: How do you figure? / JM: Our parents' generation could always break the ice with any stranger by talking about what was on television. It was a baseline mutual experience that they could use to establish a sense of community. In fact, if you get almost anyone over thirty talking to each other, they can still strike up a conversation about what they used to watch when they were kids. I think it's going to be the same way with us and games. It'll be all like... / [[An older Ian and JM are shown.]]
/ Ian: And then after I bailed out of the car, it did a complete flip and completely ran over a whole row of pedestrians.
/ JM: Wow. / [[Back to present Ian and JM.]]
/ JM: At least we'll have some consistency in our lifetime.
/ Ian: If I'm going to be ready for the future, I obviously need to run over some more pedestrians. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-11-15 |
| Pants | Ian: Micah, you've got like... your face is all weird on one side.
/ Micah: Yeah. I was sleeping on the floor last night. They're carpet marks. / Ian: You make him sleep on the floor? I think I know who wears the pants in this relationship.
/ Helen: Look, I tell him not to.
/ Micah: I don't like sharing a small dorm bed, and she always knees me in the kidneys at 2 A.M. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-11-25 |
| Survey Says: You're an Idiot | [[Professor sits at his desk reading a newspaper.]]
/ Professor: Budget cuts to the university...hiring freeze...way to bust the budget during the boom years, guys. I guess you figured someone else would be elected by now to clean up the mess.
/ Professor: Drew, did I ever tell you I used to have a teaching job in Fiji? / [[Wider shot of office, Professor is leaning back in his chair holding the newspaper and a coffee mug. Drew sits at a desk on the opposite wall, leaned over and working on something with his head resting in his hand.]]
/ Drew: Fiji? Really?
/ Professor: Oh yeah. There were beautiful beaches, blue skies...I was in a tropical paradise, and I gave it up to work here. And do you know why? / [[Professor standing on a beach, cleanshaven, in swim trunks and holding a tropical drink while smiling.]] / [[Same scene as panel 2, but closer focus on Drew.]]
/ Drew: You're dumber than two bags of bricks?
/ Professor: Bingo. Now I know why I hired you as a teaching assistant. Same outlook on life. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-12-02 |
| Welcome to my World | Render-Wars Finals Week: Ep 2: Attack of the NTs
/ Narration: In a world where the difference between failure and success is held with MACHINES, countless factions face off in a free for all DEATHMATCH to control the mechinations they call 'NT's... These GLADIATORS of the VIRTUAL realm battle but one week a year. That WEEK has been dubbed by them as: RENDER-WARS... or something like that.... *cough* / [[Guy 1 stands in a dark back round with an ax or spear of somekind with his eyes glowing green]]
/ Guy 1: Year after year we continue, but none-the-less the results are always the same... you will relinquish control of your machine to me or feel my rath... / [[Guy 2 stands in a fighting position with numerous hooded figures in the back round, glasses glowing white]]
/ Guy 2: Over my cold, snack-food filled, dead body! My father rendered on this NT and his father before him... I will do the same. Besides... you are no match for my ninja hordes! / Guy 1: So be it, your SOUL is mine! / [[Guy 1 and 2 scuffle with each other in a lame fasion,
/ Guy 2 bounces an eraser off of Guy 1's head]]
/ Guy 1: Give me your work station, damn-it! You've been on it for like six hours now!!
/ Guy 2: Screw-off, I only have two-thousand more frames to render!!
/ < http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-12-10 |
| Hard Code | [[Blurry shot of Drew angrily flinging papers at the class]]
/ Drew: All right assholes, listen up! / [[Blurry shot of dumbfounded students]]
/ Drew: I have here the printouts from your latest assignment. The purpose of this assignment, clearly labled, was to teach you how to use dynamically allocated data structures. Just because you can complete this objective with a huge honking static array doesn't mean you should, since it pretty much negates the professor's increasingly futile attempts to sharpen your infantile thinking skills, doesn't it? / [[Drew looking disgusted]]
/ Drew: By the way, you miserable monkey men who tried to hardcode the results into your program are beneath my mention. / [[Drew yelling and clicking something that looks like a timer in his hand]]
/ As the person controlling your grades, I offer you this advice in closing: Work harder or there'll be hell to pay, you ignorant fuckers!
/ < http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-12-23 |
| Malkim | Ian: This is bad. I'm not prepared for this exam, and my grade is hanging by a thread. I could copy my notes to an index card and probably pass... Good Conscience? / Good Conscience: Ian, falsehood rends the very fabric that binds humanity! Don't do it! / Ian: Cthulhu?
/ Cthulhu: Bht'k fnngrl yachrn R'ylyeh HRUNNG'JAH t'frog pdanscha, fomdragh hun daiyonths chundv-hyher toinghar! / Ian: Well, that's an idea, but I don't even know where the sunken city of R'lyeh is, much less how to awaken the old gods slumbering within.
/ Cthulhu: Bah.
/ Good Conscience: Ian, just don't cheat, ok? Please? http://machall.com/view.php?date=2002-12-27 |
| Mr. Rivers | Matt: Excuse me, professor? I have a question about extra credit.
/ Professor: Sure. / Matt: Would I lget any bonus points for losing my will, abandoning my dreams, and sliding into an ugly black dispair for an indefinite length of time? / Professor: Noooooooo...
/ Matt: Ok.. I just wanted to ask. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-06 |
| Want Ads | {{title text: Want Ads}} / Micah: Helen, can I have a few strands of your hair?
/ Helen: My hair? I guess so... What for? / Micah: We're stunning flies and tying little leashes on them, but none of us have hair that's long enough. / Micah: She had to go take a shower all of a sudden.
/ Ian: Weird. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-08 |
| under hand | {{title text: under hand}} / Matt: So, Uh, This was really nice. We should do it again sometime or something... Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah...
/ Girl: Dang it. Is he going to go for the kiss, or isn't he? / Matt: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
/ Girl: I sure as heck can't make the first move, I'm 8 inches shorter than he is. What am i supposed to do here? / Matt: ... And that's when she grabbed my crotch.
/ JM: Clever Girl. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-18 |
| Soft Serve | [[JM is reading the newspaper, Matt is reading a book]]
/ JM: Lately there's been a lot of stories in the media about how casual sex is "in" among female college students.
/ Matt: Funny.
/ Matt: I'm still not getting any. / JM: ... / JM: What about that girl who tried to seize your crown jewels last weekend?
/ Matt: Oh, her?
/ Matt: I'm pretty sure she was just joking around.
/ Matt: I don't know, JM.
/ Matt: Why do all the girls only go after jerks? / JM: I was just wondering that too. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-21 |
| The Wedding (1) | Ian: Attention slackers! My friend Bill is getting married today and he needs people to help with the ceremony. Are you in?
/ Matt: I don't feel like going anywhere.
/ JM: I'll pass. / Ian: Come on, you can meet all my friends from home. It'll be fun.
/ JM: Going to an all-day ceremony for someone I don't even know doesn't sound like fun. Why should we? / Ian: Look, just move some damn chairs around and you can get all the catered cookies you want.
/ Matt: I do like cookies...
/ JM: I'm hip. Let's ride. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-23 |
| The Wedding (2) | Ian: JM, this is my friend Anthony. I'm sure I've mentioned him.
/ JM: He's mentioned your driving.
/ Anthony: As well he should. I'm a car NINJA. / JM: Hey Ian, I just thought of something. I'm wearing khakis and a t-shirt.
/ Ian: I know. You're always wearing khakis and a t-shirt.
/ JM: I can't go into the wedding like this. Why didn't you tell us to put on nice clothes? / Ian: Bill's a big believer in the casual wedding. JM, this is the best man. Best man, JM.
/ Best man: What's up? Hey, can you check and see if I spilled nacho cheese down the back of my pants? http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-25 |
| The Wedding (3) | Marriage Officiate: And do you, Bill, promise to love and uphold, cherish and protect, et cetera and et cetera...
/ Ian: Psst... take one and pass it on.
/ JM: What's this? / Ian: It's a big basket of crosses, isn't it?
/ JM: OK... what's it for? / Ian: I don't know. Maybe Bill got them wholesale. / JM: You can never go wrong with more crosses I guess.
/ Anthony: Check me out. I'm twelve times as holy as I used to be. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-01-28 |
| The Wedding (4) | JM: Pretty good service, I thought. The song of Solomon is actually kind of hot when you listen to it.
/ Matt: I guess so... / JM: I hear you've been feeling pretty down lately.
/ Matt: It comes and goes. But being at this wedding made me feel a lot better.
/ JM: Really? Just the socialization in general, or is there something in particular about the wedding? / Matt: Open bar. Anthony's been helping me drain it.
/ Anthony: NINJA STAR! http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-01 |
| The Wedding (5) | Ian: Sure is funny seeing one of your high school friends get married. / Ian: Seems like just last year we were all playing D&D together at our parents' houses, and now look at him. Where did the time go?
/ Anthony: BURP
/ Ian: I guess everyone grows up eventually. / Anthony: TAKE IT OFF! / Ian: Not that you can't put it off as long as possible.
/ Anthony: Not the groom! Not the groom! http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-06 |
| The Wedding (6) | [[Traffic on the road. We can't see the speakers yet.]]
/ Anthony: Pull the car over. I have to finish my conversion of wine to urine.
/ Matt: Me too.
/ JM: We're fifteen minutes from you house. Hold it in. / [[Now we see the four characters through the windshield. Ian and JM are in front, apparently sober, and Matt and Anthony are in back, apparently drunk.]]
/ Anthony: The car ninja holds his urine for no man. I demand you halt immediately.
/ JM: Tough noogies. You two stewed turkery are just going to have to suffer. / [[We see the car again from the outside. It is too blurry for us to make out the occupants.]]
/ Anthony: I'm glad I'm wearing forty pounds of nails under my clothes so when my bladder explodes I can take you all out with me. / [[Looking through the windshield again.]]
/ Matt: Hee hee hee.
/ Ian: O-kay, I think I see a gas station.
/ JM: I'm on it. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-11 |
| Bungie Extreme | Ian: Hey, what are you doing out here?
/ Drew: I'm snow-biking. / Ian: You are?
/ Drew: I am. / Snowbiking guy: AAAUGH! / Drew: It's kind of a spectator sport.
/ Ian: Ah...
/ < http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-15 |
| Life Waste | [[JM walking through a hallway, oder wafting around him]] / [[Naked football enthusiest/jock running naked]] / [[Ian climbing into a hazard suit]]
/ JM: I'm moving out.
/ Ian: Hold that thought, I'm about to hit the showers. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-24 |
| Rage | [[JM sees Matt writing]]
/ JM: Whatcha doin?
/ Matt: Working on something my therapist recommended. I'm supposed to write a "plan b" to get my life back together. / [[JM reads Matt's list]]
/ JM: "Kill all humans"
/ Matt: yeah
/ JM: That doesn't seem like it would accomplish much
/ Matt: That's OK, I have more / [[JM reads more of Matt's list]]
/ JM: "Plan C - kill all humans painfully. Plan D - kill all humans on alternate thursdays. Plan E- kill all humans with orbital laser..." / [[JM talks to Matt, Matt reads from his list]]
/ JM: Do you have ANYTHING constructive?
/ Matt: "Plan Double-Theta: Compress all humans into bricks, build giant wall." http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-02-26 |
| Edit Book Plus | [[Helen retrieving purse, Micah playing video games]]
/ Helen: Just stopping by for a second, I forgot my purse here last night.
/ Micah: Pfft.
/ Micah: What a typically female thing to do. / [[Helen looks astonished]]
/ Helen: EXCUSE me? / [[Micah playing video games, face obscured by hair, Helen off-stage]]
/ Micah: Oh, didn't we tell you?
/ Micah: We've started celebrating Misogynist Thursday here.
/ Helen (off-stage): Misogynist Thursday? / [[Jon leaning back and stretching, Micah off-stage]]
/ Jon: It's kind of like Casual Friday, but instead of wearing Hawaiian shirts, we hate women.
/ Micah: Nothing against women in particular, we just like making holidays.
/ Micah: You could make up a day for hating men if you wanted. / [[Helen in foreground with raised eyebrow, chibi-esque Micah with exasperated look on face, chibi-esque Jon with innocent look on face]]
/ Helen: I might need more than a day.
/ Micah: You know something else about women?
/ Micah: They all have smart mouths.
/ Jon: It's true. http://machall.com/view.php?date=2003-03-10 |