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Don Knotts 1924 - 2006 Don Knotts was a popular american actor, remembered most for his work on such classic television programs as "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Three's Company". / Angel #1:"Come and knock on our door..." / Angel #2:"We've been waiting for you..."
LonelyGirl15 and 9/11 It was suspected that popular video blogger "LonelyGirl15" was a hoax, after the polished presentation and intriguing inconsistencies of her stories reminded people too much of 9/11. / LonelyGirl15:"A boeing 757 flew through my window... and left a hole, this big!"
Gerald Ford 1913-2006 Remembered both for being America's first unelected leader and for his reputation as being clumsy, Americans mourned the loss of the "accidental president" Gerald Ford. / Gerald Ford:"...Whoops!"
James Brown 1933-2006 Even in death, the "Godfather of Soul" James Brown proved he was the "hardest working man in show business"... by upstaging Jesus Christ on Christmas. / Jesus:"...Show off." / James Brown:"I feeeel good!..."
Comedian Richard Jeni 1957-2007 The tragic death of Richard Jeni was a rare occurrence in which the "suicide" of an American stand-up comic did not involve the use of the "N-word" in their act... / Investigator #1: "Did he leave a note?" / Investigator #2: "Yeah... Michael Richards stole my material!"
Boris Yeltsin 1931 - 2007 At the time of his death, former Russian President Boris Yeltsin was best remembered for his drunken gaffes... like Russia's traumatic introduction to capitalism. / Businessman: "This bottle of vodka... for control of your natural resources." / Boris Yeltsin:"...Deal!"
Jerry Falwell 1933-2007 Upon his death, U.S. Evangelist Jerry Falwell was both revered and reviled for his controversial views and conservative influence on American religion and politics... / Jerry Falwell: "I don't get it... Didn't I earn my wings" / God: "...Just the "right" one."
Tammy Faye Bakker 1942-2007 Former U.S. Televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker died after a lengthy battle with cancer that withered the eccentric pop-culture figure down to just sixty-pounds... including mascara. / Tammy Faye Bakker: "God!... Are you a sight for sore eyes." / God: "You know... I've always wanted to ask you about that....
Leona Helmsley 1920 -2007: Today's Cartoon Known for her tyrannical temper and conviction for tax evasion, billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley died of heart failure... but cheated Death until she was 87. / Leona Helmsley: "...Only little people pay the reaper."
Merv Griffin 1925-2007: Today's Cartoon Merv Griffin, the entertainment-industry icon and American television game show pioneer passed away, leaving behind over a billion dollars in "parting gifts"... / Lawyer: "To my wife... The "Jeopardy" home game with host Alex Trebek." / Alex Trebek: *sigh*
Luciano Pavarotti 1935-2007 Opera fans mourned the loss of world famous Italian tenor Luciano Pavarotti, who died shortly after hitting a "C-note"... with his pancreas. / Opera Fan: "...I thought it sounded bad!"
Marcel Marceau 1923-2007 Ironically, the world's best-known mime artist Marcel Marceau was buried in the same box that be had been trying to get out of for 60 years...
Robert Goulet 1933 - 2007: Today's Cartoon Popular crooner and showbiz veteran Robert Goulet passed away, after the 73 year old baritone was rejected as a candidate for a lung transplant... / Doctor: "Damn it!... These are "monotone."
Evel Knievel 1938 - 2007 Crippled by injuries sustained throughout his legendary career, motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died at the age of 69... enabling him to complete his most "death-defying" jump ever.
Ike Turner 1931 - 2007: Today's Cartoon Vilified for abusing his former wife and singing partner, Rock n' roll pioneer Ike Turner passed away; proving that while he beat Tina Turner... he couldn't beat "Death". / Death: "...Is that your best shot, Ike?"
a class="searchlink" href="http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2005/12/todays-cartoon-cloning-research.html">http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2005/12/todays-cartoon-cloning-research.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
ABC's Bob Woodruff Injured in Iraq After ABC New's Bob Woodruff was seriously injured in Iraq, News Anchors in the United States were fitted with actual "News Anchors" and forced to remain docked at their desks. / News Anchor: "This just in... I have to tinkle!"
Al Gore's "Martin Luther King Day" Speech In a "Martin Luther King Day" address, Al Gore compared the wiretappings of the Civil Rights Leader to the broad surveillance now imposed on Americans, by delivering his speech in blackface.
Alberto Gonzales vs. Google After reviving an online pornography law, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales obtained private search engine records; and then had prison bars installed around the entire country. / Alberto Gonzales:"...Busted!"
Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell After months of speculation, representatives of the two Hollywood celebrities' finally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant… from watching Colin Farrell's sex tape.
Ariel Sharon Hospitalized The news that Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon suffered a severe stroke, spread quickly... / Yasser Arafat: "Did you hear that, Yitzhak?" / Yitzhak Rabin: "Looks like we may need a bigger boat, Yasser."
Bird Flu in Turkey Turkish officials claimed to have the outbreak of bird flu in their country under control; by destroying thousands of birds and making enough chicken soup to treat its entire population.
Britain Spies on Russia with "Fake Rocks" upon discovering a microprocessor hidden inside a fake rock; Russia's security service accused Great Britain of espionage and vowed to leave no stone unturned in their investigation. / Russian Security Agent: "...Chyort!"
David Letterman vs. Bill O'Reilly A recap of Bill O'Reilly's appearance on "The Late Show" with David Letterman... / Letterman: "Sixty Percent of what you say is crap." / O'Reilly: "Huh?... "Crap"? / Letterman: "See!... I told you!"
Farris Hassan's Field Trip to Iraq Instead of sending him to his room, the parents of Farris Hassan punished their 16 year old son for sneaking into Iraq... by sending him to Iraq.
George W Bush's New Year's Resolution Reporter: "Have you made any New Year's Resolutions, Mr. President?" / George W. Bush: "How many times do I have to tell you people... Setting an artificial timetable would send the wrong message to myself; who would know that all I have to do is wait me out... until next year."
The Hajj Pilgrimage to Mecca The main reason why non-muslims are forbidden to enter the city of Mecca. / Redneck:"Hey gorgerous, ya come here often?"
Hamas Wins Palestinian Elections As Hamas celebrated winning the Palestinian Parliamentary elections, George W. Bush celebrated the fact that he didn't have to negotiate with them
Howard Stern Moves to Satellite Radio After moving to satellite radio, Howard Stern was finally free of FCC regulations and could now broadcast his show completely uncensored; but one question still remained... / Howard Stern:"...Oh, dear God why?!"
Iran's Nuclear Program Iran insisted that it was restarting its nuclear program for peaceful purposes; such as powering its streets lamps, so Iranians could burn American flags all night long.
Jack Abramoff & Political Corruption After pleading guilty for funneling campaign donations to lawmakers in exchange for official acts; American lobbyist, Jack Abramoff realized that one of those "Official Acts" should have been to legalize bribes.
Judge Resigns From Saddam Hussein Trial In a desperate attempt to get excused from the Saddam Hussein case, Judge Rizkar Mohammed Amin had himself declared "mentally unfit to stand trial".
Mayor Ray Nagin's "Chocolate" New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagan was so determined to create a "chocolate" New Orleans that he asked Willy Wonka to personally take over the city's reconstruction.
The New Ayman Al-Zawahri Video Weeks after being the target of an American airstrike, Al Qaeda's deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri has released a new video tape... taunting President Bush.
Osama Bin Laden's Latest Audio Tape In his latest audio tape, Osama Bin Laden announced that his next attack on America, would be in the form of a "Bon Jovi" cover-band. / Osama Bin Laden: "I'm a cowboy... On a steel horse I ride... And I'm wanted... Dead or Alive!"
Pope Benedict's First Encyclical In his first encyclical, Pope Benedict shared his views on the topic of "love" by exploring the relationship between "God's love" and "erotic love", through a series of graphic pictorials.
Stephen Harper Wins Canadian Election Following his victory in the Canadian elections, new Conservative Prime Minister, Stephen harper received a call from the white house... / Stephen Harper: "What is thy bidding, my Master?"
British Historian David Irving Jailed for Denying Holocaust After being sentence to three years in an Austrian prison for denying the Holocaust; British Historian, David Irving vowed to have the sentence overturned… in his next book.
Cindy Sheehan at the "State of the Union" Address Just before the "State of the Union" Address, Anti-War Activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested after the t-shirt she was wearing was considered to be a "weapon of mass distraction".
Civil War Looms In Iraq As violence pushed Iraq closer to Civil War, it was obviously becoming much more difficult for some American pundits to express their optimism. / Pundit: "Look, it took us 85 years to get from "Independence" to "Civil War", while it took Iraq less than one… Now, tell me that ain't progress."
Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Friend on Hunting Trip After accidentally shooting his friend during a hunting trip, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney issued a stern warning to everyone around him. / Dick Cheney: “Be vewy, vewy quiet about this!”
George W. Bush at Coretta Scott King's Funeral George W. Bush's speech at the funeral of civil right's leader Coretta Scott King was well received by the audience... until the president decided to go off-script. / George W. Bush: "...And one more thing... If I didn't care about black people, I wouldn't even be here today!"
George W. Bush Reveals Details of Foiled Terror Plot George W. Bush further justified his controversial Surviellance program, by claiming it thwarted a Los Angeles "Terror Plot" back in 2002... by canceling the television show, "The X-Files". / Agent:"Freeze! NSA!"
Iran Refuses to Cooperate with IAEA Inspectors After being reported to the U.N. Security Council over fears it was developing nuclear weapons, Iran immediately stopped cooperating with atomic energy inspectors. / Iranian: "Power plants? I thought you said "flower plants".
Israel Imposes Economic Sanctions on Palestinians Israel imposed economic sanctions on the Palestinians after claiming that if Hamas refused to recognize Israel, then they should not be able to recognize Israel's money either. / Palestinian: "Hey! This vending machine won't take these invisible Jewish coins!"
New Abu Ghraib Torture Footage Released Karl Rove: "Mr. President, these new Abu Ghraib, prisoner abuse photos couldn't come at a worse time." / George W. Bush: "Yeah, I know... Just when I'm coming off my sugar high from Valentine's Day."
New Orleans' First Mardi Gras Since Hurricane Katrina To help New Orleans celebrate its first Mardi Gras since Hurricane Katrina, F.E.M.A. turned the 10 000 unused mobile homes stranded in Arkansas, into "parade floats".
Newspaper Depiction of the Prophet Muhammad Outrages Muslim World European newspapers quickly responded to the outrage they created in the Muslim world by replacing all depictions of The Prophet Muhammad… with depictions of Mohammed Ali. / Mohammed Ali: "Hey!... finish this drawing and I'll knock you out!"
"Operation Slapshot" As soon as the New Jersey Police released details about "Operation: Slapshot" to the public, reporters were asking hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to comment on the investigation. / Reporter:"Mr. Gretzky, is your wife involved in an illegal sports gambling ring?" / Wayne Gretzky:"Um, I don't know... but I'll...
Saddam Hussein Goes on a Hunger Strike Three days into his Hunger Strike; Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was suddenly quite eager to meet with his new court-appointed defense attorneys.
Samuel Alito Confirmed to US Supreme Court Despite the efforts of some democrats to block his nomination, Samuel Alito was "sworn" into the American Supreme court. / Edward Kennedy: Censored
The Singapore Cell Phone Sex Video & The Winter Olympics In an effort to improve its poor ratings, the Winter Olympics was covered through a series of cell phone "sex Videos" which were "leaked" onto the internet.
Superbowl XL Detroit was so excited about hosting this year's Superbowl that even the hookers got into the competitive spirit of the big game. / Hooker #1:"Hey Baby!" / Hooker #2:"Ya' want some of this?"
"Tabloid" Video of British Troops Abusing Iraqis The other tabloid videos of British Troops abusing Iraqis were quickly dismissed; after they made the claim that Bigfoot and Elvis Presley also participated in the scandal.
United Nation Calls for Closure of Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre Rather than give in to the demands of the United Nations and close down the Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre; the United States re-designated the facility, to end the debate... / Sign: "Terrorist Preservation Park"
US Hands Conrol of Sea Ports To Arab Nation By giving control of six major Sea Ports to a company in Dubai, the United States made it clear; that it's concerned with Harboring Terrorists "in" foreign countries... not "by" foreign countries. / Custom Agent: "Welcome to the United States... do you have anything to declare?"
Afghan Abdul Rahman Imprisoned For Christian Beliefs Abdul Rahman, A man who faced the death sentence in Afghanistan for converting to "Christianity" quickly changed his mind, after witnessing the miracles of "Scientology". / Adbul Rahman:"Tom Cruise! You've come to rescue me?" / Tom Cruise:"Actually, I'm here for "Chef""
American Journalist Jill Carroll Released by Iraqi Captors Supporters of the War in Iraq became suspicious when upon her sudden release; American journalist Jill Carroll expressed nothing but praise for her Iraqi captors. / Father:"I tell ya' the whole thing was staged!" / Son:"You mean, like 9/11?" / Father:"...Shut up, boy."
Chief of Staff Andrew Card Resigns Amid Calls for White House "Shake Up" President Bush denied that he "sacrficed" his Chief of Staff amid / calls for a cabinet "shake up", by stating that Andrew Card had / made the decision to resign… after he drew the short straw.
"Cyclone Larry" Storms Australia "Cyclone Larry" was another example of the dangerous effects "Global Warming" has on Mother Nature's Digestive System.
ETA Ceasefire and Hostages Freed in Iraq In a surprise statement, the Basque separatist group "ETA" announced that it had abandoned violence and was only going to claim responsibility for "good things" from now on.
George W. Bush's Lowest Approval Rating... yet While heading overseas, U.S. President George W. Bush took the time to answer some questions from the press. / Reporter:"Mr. President, your thirty-four percent approval rating, is its lowest yet... Is this fallout over the "Dubai Ports Deal" and the VIOLENCE in Iraq?" / George W. Bush:"Nah... It's fallout...
George W. Bush's Surprise Visit to Afghanistan Everyone was surprised by President Bush's unannounced visit to Afghanistan… Including President Bush. / Condoleezza Rice:"We've landed, Mr. President." / George W. Bush:"Of all the places to re-fuel! Don't they know it's a war zone out there?!"
Helen Thomas vs. George W. Bush At a news conference, George W. Bush accidentally called upon outspoken critic Helen Thomas after she cleverly disguised herself, as a press corps." plant". / Helen Thomas:"Why did you really want to go to war?" / George W. Bush:"...Aw crap."
"Hurricane Katrina" Briefing Leaked to the Public In a video leaked to the public, President Bush appeared very optimistic about "Hurricane Katrina", until being informed that it was not the name of a "Katrina and the Waves" world tour. / George W. Bush:"I'm walking on sunshine... woooah!... ...and don't it feel good!!"
Iran Threatens "Harm and Pain" on The United States Iran warned that while The USA could cause "harm" and "pain", they were also susceptible to it; and then announced plans to "enrich" their own version of the TV show, "American Idol". / Iranian Simon Cowell:"...Infidel!!"
Israeli Forces Storm Palestinian Prison Israeli forces quickly seized Palestinian Militants from a West Bank prison, just moments after Western Monitors had left the building.
Lawyer Accused of Coaching Witnesses at Moussaoui Trial The judge in the Zacarias Moussaoui case considered ending the trial against the al-Qaida conspirator when she discovered that a federal lawyer had coached witnesses on upcoming testimony. / Lawyer:"And then what did the defendant do?..." / Witness:"Uh ...I don't know, I can't read your writing."
New Book Details Barry Bonds Steroid Use A new book, allegedly exposing a long history of steroid abuse by Barry Bonds, made the all-star baseball player a "home run" leader; both on the field and off. / Press:"Any Comments?" / Barry Bonds:"Leave me alone!"
South Dakota Moves to Ban Abortion The South Dakota legislature's move to ban abortions included the immediate cancellation of the state's annual Stork Hunt.
United Nations Creates New Human Rights Council U.S. Ambassador John Bolton, warned the United Nations that their new Human Rights council was too weak to prevent violators from obtaining seats… and then ran off with his chair. / John Bolton: "Ha ha ha!"
United Nations Security Council Agrees on Iran... and Whitney Houston After lengthy negotiations, The United Nations Security Council finally agreed on a statement, calling for Whitney Houston to suspend the "crack enrichment" program in her bathroom. / Whitney Houston:"...Who there?! ...Who there?!"
The United States Renews and Extends "Patriot Act" The controversial U.S. "Patriot act" was extended to include provisions for wiretapping, access to personal information and the use of periscopes in public washrooms.
Young Workers Riot Over New Job Law in France Ironically, a new French job law which allowed businesses to fire young workers, without warning; actually resulted in young workers "firing" the businesses, without warning.
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2006/04/todays-cartoon-jack-straw-and.html">http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2006/04/todays-cartoon-jack-straw-and.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Allegations of "Massacre" Committed in Iraq Town of Haditha Evidence of a "massacre" by U.S. troops in the Iraqi town of Haditha surfaced after attempts to sweep the incident under a rug failed because they had already been used to cover up the victims.
Barry Bonds Ties Babe Ruth's Homerun Record baseball fans were so upset that Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth's homerun record that they demanded that it be made "unofficial" by tossing the game ball into the fiery depths of Mount Doom. / Sam:"What are you waiting for?!"
Bolivia "Nationalizes" Gas Industry After announcing his plans to "nationalize" his nation's gas industry, Bolivian President Evo Morales immediately deployed his army to seize control of every "Taco Bell" in the country.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Produce Celebrity Baby and Media Frenzy the love child of Hollywood glamour couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt was so strikingly beautiful that she actually appeared hideous to the paparazzi, who were unable to take her picture.
Britney Spears Announces Second Pregnancy Britney Spear's was shocked to discover that she wasn't actually pregnant with her second child when her husband admitted that he had secretly rented out her womb to finance his new rap album. / Kevin Federline:"What up, dawg?" / Tenant:"Shut up fool! I'm trying to sleep!"
"The Da Vinci Code" Hits Theatres and Stirs Controversy Unable to get into a sold out screening of "The Da vinci Code", Pope Benedict XVI instead had to settle for the children's movie "Over the Hedge"... which he found even more offensive. / Pope Benedict XVI:"...Blasphemy!!"
"Day Without Immigrants" Protest Held In United States The "Day without Immigrants" received so much media coverage in America that the Anti-War movement paid the same protesters $2 an hour to start carrying their signs in front of the cameras.
Enron's Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty facing years in prison for conspiracy and fraud, former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling's only comfort was the thought of receiving conical visits from their money.
Internet Reports Karl Rove Indictment Internet rumours claimed that Karl Rove had been charged in the C.I.A. leak investigation and had 24 hours to put his affairs in order, by scribbling out "talking point" memos for Fox news.
The Internet STILL abuzz over Clay Aiken on "American Idol" The coverage of Clay Aiken's image makeover and surprise duet with a fan on the "American Idol" finale was so full of "cheese" and "crap" that it took the internet over a week to finally drop it. / The Internet:"...Errr!"
Iraq War Veteran Jesse Macbeth's False Claims Debunked The claims made by Iraq war Veteran, Jessie Macbeth in a recent documentary were dismissed, after it was revealed that the only "atrocity" he ever committed was misleading the American people. / American:"Hey,"Boy Who Cried Wolf" Where have you been? / Jessie Macbeth:"Well, let me tell ya..."
NSA Collects Phone Records of Millions of Americans Information leaked to press revealed that the N.S.A. was secretly collecting a flood of intelligence from millions of Americans through phone taps, which had been left running since 2001.
Osama Bin Laden Claims Zacarias Moussaoui Not Involved In 9/11 In a new audio message by Osama Bin Laden, the al Qaeda leader claimed that convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was not involved in the attack and was giving "terrorism" a bad name. / Osama Bin Laden:"What the Hell?!"
President Bush Deploys 6000 National Guard Troops to Mexican Border In a nationally televised speech, U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he would stem the flow of illegal immigrants by deploying 6000 national guard troops to the Mexican border. / National Guard:"Red Rover, Red Rover... Let Carlos come over!"
President of Iran Sends Letter to White House / David Blaine A suspicious White House responded to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's letter to President Bush, by tearing it up and flushing it down the toilet.
Stephen Colbert Roasts President Bush At Correspondents Dinner In a speech delivered at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, Comedian Stephen Colbert's sarcastic praise of the Bush Administration caught the president entirely off-guard... / George W. Bush:"Who the Hell invited this guy?" / Subservient:"Sorry sir... Bill O'Reilly cancelled and he was the...
The Sudden Resignation of C.I.A. Director Porter Goss The sudden resignation of C.I.A. director Porter Goss, aroused suspicion that he was somehow linked to a sex scandal involving poker parties and prostitutes, better known as "Hookergate". / George W. Bush: "Are those panties on your head?!" / Porter Goss: "...I fold."
Tony Blair Makes Suprise Visit To Iraq In an effort to repair his tarnished image, British Prime Minister Tony Blair made a surprise trip to Baghdad, to borrow some "credibility" from the newly formed Iraqi Government. / Nouri al-Maliki:"How can we possibly appear "independant" when you guys keep showing up?" / Tony Blair:"Shut up, I need ...
United States Bans Weapon Sales To Venezuela Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez responded to the U.S. weapons ban against his country by claiming that the "cans of whoop ass" they received were empty anyway.
The United States Grants Aid to Palestinians Under pressure from the United Nations, the United States appeared to soften its stance against the Palestinian Authority by granting emergency assistance to the Hamas government. / Kofi Annan:"Wait!... Come back! ...We said "aid", not A.I.D.S!"
U.S. Government Releases 9/11 Pentagon Video The release of footage showing the 9/11 terrorist attack on the Pentagon did little to convince "conspiracy theorists" that the U.S. government was not somehow behind it.
Zacarias Moussaoui Sentenced to Life in Prison 9/11 conspirator, Zacarias Moussaoui was spared the death penalty and instead was sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison, with his new cellmate, "The Unabomber"
Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Killed in U.S. Airstrike Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's body was immediately identified by his face, tattoos and fingerprints, which after dropping two 500 lbs missiles on him, was all that was left of iraq's "al-Qaeda" leader. / U.S. Soldier:"So... how many times have we killed him now?"
Alleged Al Qaeda Plot For NYC Subway System in 2003 It was revealed to the press that in 2003, Al Qaeda had planned a chemical attack on New York's Transit System but called it off after realizing that riding the subways was already bad enough.
Ann Coulter vs. Matt Lauer Fortunately, the date "6/6/6" came and went with the only sign of the "Beast" being an appearance by controversial Right Wing pundit Ann Coulter on NBC's "The Today Show". / Ann Coulter:"9/11 victims should not be allowed to voice their views." / Matt Lauer:"Why?" / Ann Coulter:"Because making fun of them...
Bill Gates to Retire from Microsoft in 2008 The world's richest man, Bill Gates announced that he would be stepping down from Microsoft in 2008, after he finally has enough money to fly his money powered space ship. / Bill Gates:"So long, suckers!"
Bush Administration Calls Guantanamo Prisoner Hangings "Good P.R. Move" After the U.S. Government dissmissed the suicides of 3 prisoners at Guantanamo Bay as a "good public relations move", numerous companies immediately began to adopt similar business strategies. / Boss:"Good work, Jenkins!"
Canadian Police Foil "Homegrown Terror Plot" in Toronto After foiling a "terror plot" against the city of Toronto, Police displayed the evidence to show Canadians how easy it was for terrorists to obtain bomb making material… from the Mounties.
Caputred American Soldiers Killed In Iraq / Carolina Hurricanes Win the Stanley Cup The discovery of two dead American Soldiers captured in Iraq would've ruined the Carolina Hurricanes' Stanley Cup celebration, if the United States actually cared about hockey to begin with.
Dan Rather to Leave CBS After 44 Years In an effort to shed its perceived "liberal media bias", CBS unceremoniously ended its 44 year relationship with journalist Dan Rather… as requested by the Bush Administration.
Hamas Militants Tunnel into Israel / Nicole Kidman's Wedding Actress Nicole Kidman's Australian wedding to country singer Keith Urban was rudely interrupted by Hamas Militants, who got lost while tunneling between the Gaza Strip and Israel / Militant:"...Some short cut!"
Hurricane/Severe Weather Season Begins in the United States This year, the beginning of "severe weather" season in the United States coincided with the beginning of "severe whether" season by the mainstream media... / News Anchor:"If New Orleans is hit by another hurricane, will the levees hold?" / News Reporter:"Well... If God still hates "dykes"... then it's...
Jewish Groups in Germany Protest Iran at World Cup Jewish Groups in Germany demanded that if Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attended the "World Cup" tournament that he immediately be issued a "red card" and sent back home.
Karl Rove Avoids Charges in CIA Leak Investigation Despite widespread rumours of Karl Rove's impending indictment in the "CIA leak" investigation, the news that he had actually gotten off instead, made "Democrats" sick to their stomachs. / Karl Rove:"Got any cigarettes?"
North Korea to Test-Fire Long Range Missile... at Connie Chung! The United States warned North Korea against test-firing a long range missile, capable of hitting their country; but quickly changed their mind after hearing Connie Chung's singing. / Connie Chung:"Thanks for the memories..."
Rush Limbaugh Detained for Carrying Viagra without Prescription Upon returning from the Domican Republic with unprescribed Viagra in his luggage, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh told authorities that he needed something to tip the Domincans with. / Rush Limbaugh:"Hey, come back!... You forgot something!"
Star Jones Fired from "The View" Star Jones' surprise on-air announcement that she was leaving "The View" angered the producers, who immediately removed her from the show, by pouring a bucket of water over her head. / Star Jones:"I'm melting... meeelting!"
The U.S. Senate Rejects Democrat's Proposal For Iraq The United States senate rejected the Democrat's proposal to withdraw troops over the fear that "pulling out" of Iraq before the "job" was done, would give Uncle Sam "blue balls". / Uncle Sam:"ow! ow! ow!"
US Senate Votes Down Same-Sex Marriage Ban After the U.S. Senate rejected a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, Republicans tried to dig up another divisive issue in an effort to gain support in the upcoming congressional elections. / Republican:"Um, Mr. President... Terri Schiavo was creamated." / George W. Bush:"Now you tell me!"
U.S.Supreme Court Blocks Military Tribunals for Guantanamo Detainees The U.S. Supreme Court's ruling that military tribunals scheduled for Guantanamo Bay detainees violated the Geneva Convention, was viewed as a slap to the face of the Bush Administration... / Detainee:"A slap to the face?... Those lucky bastards!"
Warren Buffett Donates $31 Billion to Bill Gate's Charity Billionaire Warren Buffett decided to give the bulk of his wealth to Bill Gate's charitable foundation, after his own attempts at Philanthropy failed miserably... / Warren Buffett:"I thought these kids were hungry!"
Bush and Blair Chat Secretly Recorded at G8 Summit During a luncheon at the G-8 Summit, U.S. President George W. Bush was unaware that he was being recorded as he carefully outlined his plan for the Middle East to British Prime Minister Tony Blair. / George W. Bush:"...Get Hezbollah to stop doing shit!"
Chechen Warlord Shamil Basayev Dies in Truck Explosion Chechen Rebel leader Shamil Basayev was killed after Russia's Special Forces secretly switched the truck bomb that he was planning for the G-8 summit with a Russian-made automobile. / Shamil Basayev: "Okay, start 'er up..."
Condoleezza Rice's Diplomatic Mission to Lebanon During her diplomatic visit to Lebanon, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice delivered the terms for an Israeli ceasefire, while refusing to negotiate any sort of prisoner exchange. / Condoleezza Rice:"Talk to to the hand... 'cause the ears ain't listening."
Conservatives Claim Narrow Victory in Mexico's Presidential Elections claiming to win the disputed mexican elections, "conservatives" declared that in a democracy, you only need to win by one vote... regardless of how many "leftist" ballots are actually filled out. / Election Official:"Umm...we're out of ballots... so just use this toilet paper instead."
Convicted Enron CEO, Ken Lay Passes Away Amid suspicion that he may have somehow faked his own death to escape a lengthy prison sentence, the body of convicted Enron CEO, Kenneth Lay was buried beneath his jail cell. / Ken Lay:"Aw, crap!"
Former Israel PM Ariel Sharon's Condition Worsens Hospitalized since suffering a stroke in January, the condition of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon worsened after he woke from his coma and read the morning newspaper. / Ariel Sharon:"What did I miss?"
Former "N Sync" Singer Lance Bass Announces He Is Gay After weeks of speculation, former "NSync" boy-band member Lance Bass finally "came out of the closet", which explained where the singer had been since around 1999. / Father:"Look!... isn't it about time you and your friend found someplace else to do that?!"
George W. Bush Gives Angela Merkel Massage at G8 Summit Indicative of his foreign policy, U.S. President George W. Bush's effort to ease the tension in German Chancellor angela Merkel at the "g8 summit" was met with immediate resistance... / George W. Bush:"...Heh heh heh!"
George W. Bush Vetoes Embryonic Stem Cell Research Funding U.S. President George W. Bush used his veto power to prevent the funding of embryonic stem cell research, thus preserving a Human embryo's right to life… until it gets sent to Iraq. / U.S. Soldier:"...New recruits."
Internet Star Amanda Congdon Leaves "Rocketboom" After a bitter departure from the popular video-blog "Rocketboom", host Amanda Congdon publicly aired her "dirty laundry", which in reality was not as sexy as her male virgin fan base had imagined.
Israel Bombs Canadian Tourists in Lebanon In its sustained bombing campaign against the country of Lebanon, the Israeli army indiscriminately killed scores of civilians… including Canadian tourists. / Israeli f-16:"Hezbollah, Canadians... What's the difference?... They all look like "terrorists" from up here!"
Israel Invades Lebanon In an effort to gain the release of two abducted Israeli soldiers from Hezbollah, Israel agreed to release all of their captured suicide bombers from prison... and ship them back to Lebanon. / Suicide Bomber:"Hey, where are you going?... Aren't you happy to see me?"
Israel Launches Offensive In Gaza Strip In an effort to get Palestinian militants to release an abducted Israeli soldier, Israel launched an "offensive", aimed at undermining the Hamas Government... / Israeli Soldier:"How many Hamas members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... It doesn't matter, because we've cut-off the power!"
Italy Wins the World Cup To disappointed French soccer fans, Italy's world cup victory was proof that the Italian match fixing scandal was much bigger than they had previously thought.
Kofi Annan Accuses Israel of Deliberately Targeting United Nations United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan expressed shock and awe over the "deliberate targeting" of a U.N. observation post by Israeli forces in Lebanon.
Kofi Annan Calls for End to Hostilities in Lebanon Secretary General Kofi Annan's call for an "immediate cessation of hostilities" was rejected by Israel, The United States and Great Britain; prolonging their "offensive" against the United Nations. / Kofi Annan:"...*sigh*"
Mel Gibson Delivers Anti-Semitic Acceptance Speech While Getting Arrested While being arrested for drunk driving, actor Mel Gibson launched into an anti-Semitic tirade, blaming Jews for all the wars in the world... including his own personal battle with alcohol. / Mel Gibson:"Jack Daniels was a Jew!"
North Korea Uses "Independence Day" To Test Long-Range Missile To help the United States make their "Independence Day" more memorable , North Korea decided to set off some fireworks… by test-launching its experimental, long-range missile. / Kim Jong-il:"That felt good!... So, what else do we have?"
Tour De France Winner Floyd Landis Fails Drug Test After winning the "Tour de France", it was revealed that American cyclist Floyd Landis had abnormal levels of testosterone in his system, when his urine kept testing positive for semen. / Doctor:"Uhh... Let me explain to you how this works again..."
United States Vetoes UN Resolution Condemning Israel in Gaza United States ambassador John Bolton quickly vetoed a U.N. Security Council resolution condemning Israel's military incursion into Gaza, after claiming that the text was "outdated". / John Bolton:"You guys think this is bad?... You ain't seen nothing yet!"
CNN Anchor Kyra Phillips Leaves Microphone On In Washroom During a live speech by US President George W. Bush, CNN Anchor Kyra Phillips accidentally left her microphone "on" while she went to the washroom and took and huge dump on her sister-in-law. / Kyra Phillips:"She's such a control freak!" / George W. Bush:"Finally!... Someone in more crap than me!"
Cuban President Fidel Castro Hands Over Power To Brother Raul The sudden announcement that Fidel Castro has ceded power to his brother Raul, immediately sparked rumors that the Cuban leader may have died... yet again. / Raul Castro:"Phew! When the U.S. finally lifts its embargo... remind me to get some air freshener."
Hillary Clinton Calls for Donald Rumsfeld's Resignation Critical of his "failed policy" in the Middle East, senator and former First Lady Hillary Clinton called for U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to step down… preferably somewhere in Iraq. / Donald Rumsfeld:"Wait! come back!... Can't you see there's a civil war going on?!"
Iran Calls for Serious Talks Over Nuclear Program The Iranian Government declared that it wanted to begin "serious talks" wit the U.N. Security Council over it nuclear program, by rejecting their "Incentives Package".
Irish Company Steorn Claims To Create Free Energy An Irish technology firm claimed to discover a method of creating "Free Energy" by harnessing the interaction of magnetic fields; specifically, the one that exists between horses and carrots. / Irishman:"Wow!... It really works!"
Today's Cartoon: Israel and Hezbollah Claim Victory After Ceasefire Once the United Nations Ceasefire Resolution took effect, both Israel and Hezbollah were quick to claim "victory", sparking yet another "territorial conflict" between them. / Ehud Olmert:"It belongs to us!" / Hassan Nasrallah:"We were here first!"
Israel Government Appoves Expanding Lebanon Offensive Despite efforts by the United Nations to end the conflict, the Israeli Government decided to expand its "offensive" in Lebanon, to include the deliberate targeting of cats and dogs.
Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert Rejects Ceasefire in Lebanon Despite growing international protest, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert insisted there would be "no ceasefire" in Lebanon; which drew sustained applause from those in attendance. / Death:"Woo-hoo!"
Joe Lieberman Loses Democratic Primary in Connecticut Accused of being a "lap dog" of the Bush Administration, angry Democrats in Connecticut voted to remove Senator Joe Lieberman from the Senate and into the "dog house".
JonBenet Ramsey, John Mark Karr and the Emmy Awards When a DNA test proved that schoolteacher John Mark Karr did not murder JonBenet Ramsey, prosecutors decided to drop the charges and nominate him for an Emmy Award instead. / Caption: Winner, best actor in a Media Circus, John Mark Karr / John Mark Karr:"Wow!... She's really cute!"
Lebanon and Hezbollah Reject Draft UN Resolution Vowing to continue their fight until all Israeli troops withdrew from Lebanon; Hezbollah rejected a draft UN resolution call for a ceasefire, in a statement through it's "representative". / Jewish Duck:"Oy Vey!" / Statement:"Dear United Nations. While bent over for Israel, please accept this apology......
London Heathrow Terror Plot Thwarted British, American and Pakistani authorities claimed to have disrupted a "massive terror plot" in London, by yanking author Clive Barker away from his computer. / Clive Barker:"...huh?"
New Audio Tapes Reveal Pentagon Mislead 9/11 Commission The US military was accused of deliberately misleading the "9/11 Commission" when newly released audio tapes revealed that they were too busy "chasing ghosts" to intercept the highjackers. / Norad:"The hindenburg is headed towards Disneyland!" / Shaggy:"Zoiks"
New Photos Of Fidel Castro Released On 80th Birthday The authenticity of photos taken of Fidel Castro on his 80th birthday was questioned when they showed the ailing Cuban leader well enough to breast feed Tom Cruise's baby daughter, Suri.
NSA Wiretapping and Snakes on a Plane The Bush Administration appealed a Federal Court's Decision that their Domestic Wiretapping Program was unconstitutional, after using it to uncover a plot involving "Snakes on a Plane". / Boy#1:"I've got my ticket!" / Boy#2:"This is going to be awesome!"
Pluto Loses Planet Status Pluto was demoted of its status as a "planet" when astronomers from around the world decided to redefine it as a "Dwarf Planet" and start referring to "midgets" as "Martians" / Announcer:"All in favour?..." / Astronomers:"Aye!" / Announcer:"All opposed?..." / Midget Astronomer:"...ney."
Reuters News Agency Accused of Using Doctored Photos The "Reuters" news agency dismissed a freelance photographer amid allegations he was doctoring images of the conflict in Lebanon, which explained why "Dr. Evil" appeared in all his photos.
Saddam Hussein and Kevin Federline Try To Beat A Bad Rap After Saddam Hussein refused to enter a plea in court, he was subjected to a live performance by Kevin Federline; resulting in a plea to skip the trial and move directly to the death penalty. / Kevin Federline: Censored / Saddam Hussein:"Kill me now!"
Suspect Arrested in JonBenet Ramsey Case 10 years after the murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, a suspect was arrested after surrendering to police just to get CNN's "Larry King Live" to finally change topics. / Suspect:"I confess to everything!... Just make him stop!"
Thousands Of Bags Go Missing At British Airports In the aftermath of a recent "terrorist plot" in London, 10 000 "bags" went missing from British Airports after they were forced to toss out their medication before boarding the plane. / Old Bag:"Are you the stewardess?"
Tom Cruise and the Two Abducted Fox News Journalists New light was shed on the mystery of the two abducted Fox News journalists, when in a video they urged Paramount Studios to reconsider its decision not to renew Tom Cruise's contract. / Reporter #1: "Tom Cruise is a popular and talented actor..." / Reporter #2: "...And is in no way crazy."
Two Kidnapped Fox New Journalists Released Palestinian militants released two captured FOX News journalists when they discovered that the only thing the United States was willing to give up in exchange, was Geraldo Rivera. / Militant:"Aw, forget it!"
Well-Endowed Dog Spotted In IKEA Catalogue Rumours quickly spread that the "well-endowed" appearance of a dog in the IKEA catalogue may have actually been the "handiwork" of a disgruntled employee... / Disgruntled Employee:"Here puppy, puppy..."
 
The Al Qaeda and Kevin Federline Connection At the same time "Al Qaeda" released a statement urging Americans to convert of Islam, Kevin Federline released a rap video, urging "hip-hop" fans to convert to "country".
Bill Clinton Defends His Efforts to Capture Osama Bin Laden In an interview with FOX news, former U.S. President Bill Clinton defended his efforts to capture Osama Bin Laden by claiming that at least when he screwed around, it was only with the interns... / Dick Cheney: "Where did you get these cigars?" / George W. Bush: "I found them in the desk!"
"The Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin 1962 - 2006 "The Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was killed after being stung in the chest by a stingray, while filming a new documentary off the Great Barrier Reef. / Crocodile#1:"What a huge loss for us crocodiles." / Crocodile#2:"Yeah, I know... He would have been delicious."
Democrats Urge ABC to Withdraw Miniseries "Path to 9/11" U.S. Democrats urged ABC-tv to withdraw its miniseries "The Path to 9/11", after they learned that the film had to air in two parts, so Monica Lewinsky could fit in the screen.
George W. Bush Addresses Nation on 5th Anniversary of 9/11 On the 5th anniversary of 9/11, U.S. President George W. Bush gave a televised address appealing for Americans to unite against "terror", which they did by changing the channel.
Today's Cartoon: George W. Bush Declassifies Portions of Leaked Intelligence Report on Iraq The Bush Administration decided to declassify a leaked secret intelligence report on Iraq, but withheld some key judgments over "security concerns"... like the upcoming mid-term elections. / George W. Bush:"Hmm... Let cool before serving..."
Hugo Chavez calls George W. Bush the "Devil" at United Nations The Bush Administration tried its best to ignore the criticisms made by Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez, during his speech at the United Nations... / Dick Cheney:"What's wrong Mr. President?" / George W. Bush: Hugo Chavez called me the Devil and says I smell like sulfur!" / Dick Cheney:"Uh... I don't...
Iran Ignores United Nations Deadline For Nuclear Program As the United Nations deadline passed for Iran to stop enriching uranium, U.S. President George W. Bush insisted there be "consequences" for their defiance... so he spanked himself. / George W. Bush:"Take that!..."
Leaked French Document Reports Osama Bin Laden's Demise U.S. officials found no proof to support the claim of a secret French document that Osama Bin Laden had died, because according to their ouija boards the Al Qaeda leader was still alive.
Mexico Court Rules Felipe Calderon President-Elect After months of protests, Mexico's top electoral court voted unanimously to change the razor-thin election result into a landslide victory for conservative leader Felipe Calderon. / Felipe Calderon:"No signs of any Voter Irregularity here!"
Military Coup in Thailand Amid allegations of corruption and abuse of power, a military coup deposed Thailand's Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, compelling the White House to issue a brief statement on the situation... / Sign #1: Keep (tanks) off the grass / Sign #2: Don't even think about it!
NATO Refuses to Send Reinforcements to Afghanistan Nato members refused to offer reinforcements to the war in Afghanistan, thus reducing the "coalition of the willing" to those who would at least accept their phone call... / Operator:"Collect call from... Nato." / Soldier:"We're not here!"
Pakistan Pres. Pervez Musharraf Reveals Post 9/11 Threats by United States Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf revealed that after 9/11 the United States bullied him into joining their "War on Terror" by threatening to bomb his country back to the "Stone Age"... / Fred Flintstone:"You'd better yabba-dabba do what they say!"
Pope Benedict Apologizes for Offending Muslims Pope Benedict XVI tried to calm Muslim anger over his remarks about Islam by insisting that they were quotations from a "medieval text"; and in no way expressed his personal thoughts... / Mel Gibson:"Now why didn't I think of that?!"
President Bush Calls Democrats the Party of "Cut and Run" Borrowing from U.S. President George W. Bush's Iraq war playbook, restaurants deflected criticism over their food by accusiing their patrons of "cutting and running"... / Cook:"Stay the course... the main course!"
President Bush Referees Dinner Between Karzai an Musharraf At a White House dinner, tension between Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai and Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf over the Taliban's resurgence was quickly replaced by the meal's resurgence. / Hamid Karzai and Pervez Musharraf: "It's coming from you!"
Spinach E Coli Outbreak Grips the U.S. The investigation into an outbreak of deadly e. coli bacteria in spinach lead U.S. authorities directly to the home of Popeye's arch nemesis "Bluto"... / Authorities:"Open up! We know you're in there!" / Bluto:"Aw, crap!"
Suri Cruise and the Secret CIA Prisons Inspired by the first images of Tom Cruise's baby daughter Suri, U.S. President George W. Bush finally acknowledged the existence of secret C.I.A. prisons, in a photo shoot for "Vanity Fair".
Syria Blames U.S. For Embassy Attack The Syrian Government accused the United States of orchestrating an attack against its own embassy in Damascus as a pre-emptive strike in its expanding "war on terror".
US Report on Iran Called "Outrageous and Dishonest" by United Nations UN inspectors protested a US Congressional report on Iran's nuclear program, calling it "outrageous", "dishonest" and by far the worst "Godzilla" screenplay they had ever read. / George W. Bush:"Godzilla!"
Baghdad Police Unit Linked To Sectarian Violence On suspicion of being involved with Iraqi death squads, an entire police unit was pulled off the streets of Baghdad, as part of the department's "retraining" program... / Police Officer:"Nice shooting... Now try aiming at the target."
British Army Chief Calls For Iraq Withdrawl The head of the British Army determined that the presence of troops in Iraq was making the security situation in the country even worse... especially after soccer matches. / Chelsea fan:"Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea!" / Manchester United Fan:"Man U, Man U, Man U!"
David Letterman vs. Bill O'Reilly Round Two Confrontational news commentator Bill O'Reilly visited "The Late Show" with David Letterman to talk about the war... which began during his previous appearance on the program. / David Letterman:"I'm secretly hoping for an opportunity to call you a bonehead." / Bill O'Reilly:"Does that mean you want to...
Dennis Hastert Blames Democrats For Mark Foley Scandal After refusing to resign over the Mark Foley sex scandal, Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert blamed Democrats for deliberately fanning the flames of a "cover-up"... / Dennis Hastert:"Move along people... There's nothing to see here!"
Enron's Jeffrey Skilling Sentenced to 24 Years in Prison In honor of the late Kenneth Lay, Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling vowed that he would appeal his 24 year prison sentence for fraud... by faking his own death.
Florida Congressman Mark Foley Resigns Over Email Sex Scandal Florida representative Mark Foley resigned from Congress after it was revealed that he had sent sexually explicit emails to an underage boy, as part of his mid-term "erection" campaign. / Mark Foley:"It looks like my "poll numbers" are up again!..."
Google Buys YouTube The purchase of the popular video site YouTube by the internet giant Google was seen as an invitation for copyright lawsuits against the company... by lawyers, through their video blogs. / Lawyer:"Have you been the victim of internet piracy and are looking for an attorney?"
Human Rights Group Protest Madonna Adoption Human rights groups tried to prevent pop star Madonna and Director Guy Ritchie from adopting a baby from Africa over fears they were casting the sequel to their 2002 flop "Swept Away".
Today's Cartoon: Jack Straw Requests British Muslims To Remove Veils To help improve community relations in Britain, rather than asking Muslim women to remove their veils, it was decided that House of Commons leader Jack Straw should wear a gag instead. / Jack Straw:"...mmmprh!"
North Korea Announces Plans for Nuclear Test North Korea announced its intentions to conduct a "nuclear test", as soon as its leader Kim Jong-il could find somebody dumb enough to actually light the fuse... / Kim Jong-il: "Damn it!... Do I have to do everything around here?... Whe the Hell is everybody?!"
North Korea Conducts Underground Nuclear Test The White House was quick to receive word that North Korea has successfully conducted an underground nuclear test... / Bugs Bunny:"Yee-oww!!!"
Panamanians Vote to Expand Panama Canal In order to keep up with international trade and accomodate the increasing size of modern cargo ships, Panamanians voted overwhelmingly to expand the width of the Panama canal...
Paul McCartney Accused Of Abusing Estranged Wife Heather Mills Former Beatle Paul McCartney refused to comment on allegations that he abused his wife during their four year marriage, by getting drunk and confusing her with Yoko Ono. / Paul McCartney:"Band-Wrecker!"
President Bush Abandons "Stay the Course" Rhetoric In an attempt to redefine his rhetoric prior to the mid-term elections, U.S. President George W. Bush "flip flopped" on his Iraq Policy, by deciding to "cut and run" from "stay the course". / Stay the Course:"Where the hell are you going?!"
President Bush Compares Violence in Iraq to "Tet Offensive" During Vietnam In an interview, U.S. president George W. Bush compared the increase of violence in Iraq to the Tet offensive during the Vietnam war... in that he was A.W.O.L. for most of it. / Barney:"Woof! Woof!" / George W. Bush:"Shhh!... Be quiet, Barney!"
President Bush Signs Law Approving Harsh Interrogation of Terror Suspects U.S. President George W. Bush signed a law authorizing the harsh interrogation of terrorism suspects, by replacing "torture" with "stunts" taken from the movie "Jackass Number Two".
President Bush Authorizes Mexican Border Fence To combat illegal immigration, the White House signed legislation to build a fence along the Mexican border; however, to satisfy companies that relied on cheap labor, it was only two feet high.
Report on Global Warming Predicts Ecomomic Disaster A British report on climate change indicated that the enviromental fallout from global warming could plunge in the world into an "economic depression"...
Rush Limbaugh Accuses Michael J. Fox of Faking Parkinson's Disease Talk radio host Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of faking his Parkinson's disease for a political ad, when he discovered that the actor also pretended to be a "teen wolf" in the 1980's / Michael J. Fox:"As you might know... I care deeply about stem cell research."
Woodword Book Puts Bush Administration Under Fire A string of political "tell-alls" critical of the Bush Administration created the first "Book Burning Rally" where the books actually burned the politicians instead.
Yankees Cory Lidle Plane Crashes Into New York Highrise While the tragic plane crash by Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle into a New York City high-rise was not linked to "terrorism". the media coverage surrounding the accident was...
Allies Encourage Bush to Work With Iran and Syria Under pressure to change the course of the war in Iraq, U.S. President George W. Bush was encouraged by allies to start a dialogue with Iran and Syria... / George W. Bush: "Is this Syria?" / Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "No, Iran" / George W. Bush: "Are you serious?" / Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "No, Iranian"
American Thanksgiving Marred By Iraq Violence On a Thanksgiving marred by the worst day of sectarian violence in Iraq since the war began, many Americans decided to forego Turkey and feast on "Lame Duck" instead... / George W. Bush: "I quack Iraq!"
Britney Spears Files for Divorce From Kevin Federline A day after actress Kirstie Alley announced that she had dropped 75 lbs; pop singer Britney Spears did the same by filing for divorce from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. / Kevin Federline:"Yo, baby... All I sez wuz you lookin' phat!"
Britney Spears Snatches Media Attention After separating from her husband, pop star Britney Spears transformed her image and snatched the media's attention by revealing her new "publicist"... her vagina. / Reporter: "Britney... Who's looking after your children?" / Britney Spear's Vagina: "No comment!"
Democrats Sweep Midterm Elections The Democrats decisive victory in the U.S. midterm elections was an indication that even tampered electronic voting machines were no longer willing to vote for the Republican party... / Diebold Voting Machine: "Ewww!..."
Donald Rumsfeld Resigns The sudden resignation of embattled U.S. defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld a day after the mid-term elections was viewed by angry Democrats as more of a head start... / Donald Rumsfeld: "Get the hell outta' my way!!"
Evangelical Minister Ted Haggard Fired For Sexual Immorality Evangelical preacher Ted Haggard was forced to resign from his church over "sexually immoral conduct", which included having a gay relationship with a male prostitute... out of wedlock. / Minister:"Uh, Reverend Haggard?... We don't do confessionals. ...especially in a broom closet."
Experts Predict Seafood Will Vanish by 2048 Due to over fishing, scientists predicted that the world's seafood stock would collapse by 2048; however, due to global warming, most of it would be replaced by other species... / Cow:"...Moo?"
Former Russian Spy Poisoned In London Russian officials denied claimes that they had poisoned a former spy, who was hospitalized in London after swallowing a radioactive substance that the Kremlin called "British cuisine". / English Waiter: "And how's the soup this evening?..."
Germany Lawsuit Accuses Donald Rumsfeld of War Crimes A lawsuit filed in Germany accused former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld of War Crimes and sought to have him prosecuted for "Copyright Infringement". / Bailiff: "Do you swear to tell the truth?..." / Donald Rumsfeld: "Sig heil!"
John Kerry Draws Republican Fire Over "Botched Joke" About Iraq U.S. senator John Kerry was criticized for a "botched joke" about college students getting stuck in Iraq, when lowered enlistment standards already cut out the need for education...
Lebanon's Industry Minister Pierre Gamayel Gunned Down The assassination of Lebanon's Industry Minister Pierre Gemayel pointed the country towards civil war... and its neighbours fingers towards each other. / Israel and Syria:"... He did it!"
Microsoft Launches Zune to Compete with iPod To challenge the market dominance of Apple's "iPod", Microsoft released its own portable media player; however, some consumers were turned off by its bulky brown design... / Consumer: "What a piece of crap!"
NBC News Declares Civil War in Iraq To deter NBC and other U.S. news outlets from describing the violence in Iraq as "civil war", the White House trademarked the term and demanded royalties every time they used it... / George W. Bush: "Look on the bright side, Dick... At least we're rich!"
OJ Simpson Book Labelled His Confession O.J. Simpson's new book "If I Did It" was considered by many to be his confession to the 1994 double murder of his wife and her friend... partly because it was written in blood. / O.J. Simpson: "hmmm..."
Pope Benedict Visits Turkey During Pope Benedict's controversial visit to Turkey, he called for "authentic dialogue" between Christians and Muslims; but unfortunately, no one could understand his "Turkish"... / Pope Benedict:"Gobble! Gobble!"
President Bush Seeks Help From Father's Administration U.S. President George W. Bush's decision to look to his father's administration for help was an indication of just how much he relied on his dad to bail him out of trouble... / George H.W. Bush: "Out!... not in!"
Saddam Hussein Sentenced To Hang An Iraqi court sentenced ousted leader Saddam Hussein to hang for crimes against humanity, after the firing squad was unable to fit him into their busy schedule. / Iraqi Security:"Sorry... But we don't do individuals."
Seinfeld's Michael Richards' Racial Outburst Former "Seinfeld" star and stand-up comic Michael Richards quickly realized that using the word "nigger" as a successful punchline, was more likely to get him punched out instead.
Silvio Berlusconi Faints During Rally Speech Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi made a swift recovery after collapsing at a political rally, when he was accidentally put to sleep by his own 40 minute speech. / Silvio Berlusconi: "zzzzz..."
Tom Cruise Weds Katie Holmes Tom Cruise's Scientology wedding to actress Katie Holmes concluded with an elaborate fireworks display, to prevent any uninvited "Stars" from crashing the reception... / Alien: "Abort! Abort!"
U.S. Military Chart Views Iraq Moving Towards Chaos To prevent Iraq from edging any further towards chaos, United States military commanders decided to extend the width of their color-coded "assessment" charts.
Cloned Meat Determined Safe to Eat While a draft ruling from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration determined that clone meat was safe for eating; the agency still believed that "clown meat" tasted funny...
Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant Media attention temporarily shifted away from the Bush Administration's troubles in Iraq, when it was announced that Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter was pregnant... / Dick Cheney:"You owe me... big!"
Ehud Olmert Accidentally Acknowledges Israel's Nuclear Arsenal Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert created a huge stink, when during an interview he accidentally let it slip that Israel possessed the Middle East's only nuclear arsenal. / Ehud Olmert:"...oops!"
Enquiry Dismisses Princess Diana Conspiracy Theories A British police enquiry ruled that the death of Princess Diana in 1997 was the result of an accident and not the "conspiracy theory" that he limo was hijacked by 19 Al Qaeda terrorists. / 19 Al Qaeda Terrorists: "Allah Ackbar!..."
Infamous Dictator Augusto Pinochet Passes Away Shortly following his death at the age of 91, former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet successfully overthrew the Devil in a violent coup d'etat, backed by the United States. / The Devil:"Hey... That's not one of my pitchforks."
Iraq Court Upholds Saddam Hussein Execution An Iraqi court upheld former dictator Saddam Hussein's death sentence for crimes against humanity and ordered that he hang within 30 days... or when the cheque clears.
Iraq Study Group Releases Report In its 142 page report, the "Iraq Study Group" offered U.S. President George W. Bush 79 suggestions, but provided no "magic formula" for solving the problems in Iraq... / George W. Bush: "...Oh crap."
John Bolton Resigns, Hugo Chavez Re-elected While U.S. President George W. Bush was reluctant to accept U.N. Ambassador John Bolton's resignation, he was even less willing to accept the re-election of Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez... / George W. Bush: "psst... Take me with you." / Hugo Chavez: "Ola, Mister Danger!"
Kofi Annan Criticizes Bush Admin in Farewell Speech In his final speech as Secretary-General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan fired parting shots at the Bush Administration, before being tackled to the ground by the U.S. Secret Service. / Secret Service Agent:"He's got a mic!..."
Litvinenko Radiation Investigation Grounds British Aircraft As part of its investigation into the poisoning death of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, British authorities grounded numerous aircraft after they tested positive for "radio activity"... / Pilot:"Uh... Hello?" / Investigator:"Oh my god!... It's out of control!"
Miss USA Tara Conner Keeps Crown, Enters Rehab Rather than strip Miss America of her crown for reported underage drinking, Billionaire Donald Trump decided to enter her into a "treatment program" instead... / Announcer:"There she is... Mess America!"
President Bush Plans to Increase Size of Military After being told by Generals that the military was stretched too thin, U.S. President George W. Bush announced plans to increase the size of the army... by tripling it's food rations. / U.S. Soldier:"Damn it!... Who keeps putting gravy in my canteen?!"
Robert Gates Admits U.S. Not Winning Iraq War During his confirmation hearing for U.S. Defense Secretary, Robert Gates insisted that the United States was not winning or losing the war in Iraq... but was keeping it company instead. / U.S. Soldier:"So... What do you guys want to do today?"
Rosie O'Donnell vs. Donald Trump Angered by talk show host Rosie O'Donnell's criticism over his handling of the Miss USA scandal, Billionaire Donald Trump threatened to send "somebody" over to steal her girlfriend... / Donald Trump:"You're hired!"
Rumsfeld Memo Calls For Major Adjustments in Iraq In a secret memo to the White House written just days before his resignation, former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld called for major adjustments in the strategy of the Iraq war. / Memo:"Honey Do List: 1. Buy stamps 2. Pick up dry cleaning 3. Reduce troops in Iraq"
Study Reveals Circumcision Cuts AIDS Risk By Half Researchers discovered that circumsicion helped cut a man's risk of contracting H.I.V. by half... due to the fact that after the procedure, the last thing they had on their minds was having sex. / Doctor:"Next!..."
Time Magazine's Person of the Year is... ME! Time Magazine's decision to name Internet Users its 2006 "Person of the Year" did little to ease their frustration over not being chosen People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"... / Internet User:"Damn you, George Clooney!"
United Nations Imposes Sanctions on Iran In the spirit of giving, the United Nations Security Council voted to impose sanctions on Iran's import of nuclear materials... thus preventing Santa Claus from entering the country. / Santa Claus:"What the Hell am I suppose to do now, with 10 tonnes of Uranium?!"
Al Qaeda Mocks President Bush In New Video In a video message, Al Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahiri mocked U.S. President George W. Bush's plan to send more troops to Iraq, by pretending that he was hiding in Baghdad. / Ayman al-Zawahiri: "Quick, lock the cave!... They'll be here any minute!"
Allegations of Racism on Celebrity Big Brother Racism among the cast of the British reality TV show "Celebrity Big Brother" towards Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty was viewed as a "thought crime" by the program's producer. / Contestant:"She's a dog!"
Barak Obama Wades into 2008 Presidential Race In a bid to become the first black President in United States history, freshman democratic senator Barack Obama waded in the 2008 campaign... and was never seen again.
Catholic Archbishop of Warsaw Resigns Over Spy Scandal The newly-appointed Archbishop of Warsaw resigned after admitting that he secretly collaborated with Poland's former Communist government, to spy on God. / Stanislaw Wielgus:"Our father, who art in heaven..." / God:"Are you wearing a wire?!"
David Beckham to Play Soccer in America English soccer star David Beckham insisted that his $250 million contract to play in the United States was not about the money... but rather to introduce the sport to American children.
Doomsday Clock Moved Two Minutes Closer to Midnight Citing increased nuclear and environmental threats, scientists in London moved the symbolic "Doomsday Clock" two minutes closer to midnight... or seven o'clock in Washington. / George W. Bush:"Those crazy Brits!"
Hillary Clinton Enters 2008 Presidential Race In a bid to become the the first woman president in United States history, former first lady Hillary Clinton took her first steps in the 2008 race for the White House... / Hillary Clinton:"Faster Bill!..."
Israel President Moshe Katsav Steps Down Over Sex Scandal In an emotional speech, Israel's president Moshe Katsav announced that in order to fight allegations of sex crimes he would need to temporarily step down... on his penis. / Moshe Katsav:"No hard feelings!"
Jane Fonda Attends Anti-War Protest in Washington Tens of thousands of anti-war protesters rallied in front of the U.S. Capitol to pressure the Bush Administration to get out of Iraq... by threatening to send Jane Fonda in. / Jane Fonda:"Grrr!..."
Kentucky Derby Winner Barbaro Euthanized Eight months after shattering his hind leg, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized, prompting bookies to offer their clients incredible odds on the colt repeating. / Radio:"And they're off!..." / Man:"Come on!!"
Microsoft Introduces Vista Operating System The release of Microsoft's new Windows operating system "Vista" forced many older PC owners to upgrade their computers... by switching to a Mac.
Mysterious Smell Causes A Stink In New York City New York City residents held their breath over fear of another terrorist attack, when a mysterious gas smell was thought to be the silent but deadly work of "Assama Bum Laden"...
Nancy Pelosi Elected First Woman to Lead US House Upon being sworn in as the first woman to lead the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi vowed to "clean up" Congress, starting with the Republican's "Dirty Laundry". / Nancy Pelosi:"...Gross!"
Oprah Winfrey Opens School in South Africa Unfortunately, the grand opening of talk show host Oprah Winfrey's "Leadership Academy for Girls" in South Africa was interrupted by patients of the "Jerry Springer Institute". / Patient:"Panty Raid!"
Pat Robertson Predicts Terrorism Against United States After claiming to have received a message from "God", Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson predicted a massive "Terrorist Attack" against the United States within a year... / God:"This is your last warning... Stop telling people you know me... or else!"
President Bush Sends More Troops to Iraq Despite widespread criticism of his strategy, U.S. President George W. Bush announced plans to increase troop levels in Iraq, by placing over 20000 "Risk" game pieces in Baghdad... / Soldier 1:"How long do you think we'll be here?" / Soldier 2:"Well... The box says one to eight hours."
Saddam Hussein Execution During the execution of former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein, a cell phone was used to spread the "noose" around the world... / Saddam Hussein:"What are you doing?" / Executioner:"...Playing Hangman"
Saddam Hussein's Half-Brother Decapitated In Botched Hanging The accidental decapitation of Saddam Hussein's half-brother Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti during his execution was almost as difficult for the Iraqi government to fix as the country itself... / Hangman:"...Do you think the Sunnis will notice?"
United States Introduces New Heat Ray Weapon The U.S. Defense Department unveiled a revolutionary new ray gun, capable of creating an intense non-lethal burning sensation... through the weaponization of herpes. / Man:"Yee-ow!"
US Air Force Strips Sergeant of Duties over Playboy Spread Sgt. Michelle Manhart's suspension from the US Air Force for posing nude in Playboy Magazine gave disillusioned troops "stop-lossed" in Iraq ideas on how to get sent home sooner... / U.S. Soldier:"Hey!... It beats sticking a bayonet in my thigh."
US Launches Air Strikes On Somalia United States air strikes targeting "Al Qaeda Suspects" in Somalia was viewed as the opening of yet another front in America's "Global War on Terror"... / Uncle Sam:"...Third time lucky!"
US Military Toll In Iraq Hits 3000 The beginning of 2007 marked a grim milestone for American troops, as the "Death Toll" in Iraq was raised to 3000... / U.S. Soldier:"Got change for a battalion?"
The U.S. State of the Union Address In his annual "State of the Union Address", U.S. President George W. Bush set a goal of reducing America's oil consumption through the production of "Alternative fuels"... like hot air. / George W. Bush: "It is in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply..." / Driver: "Good thing it's a...
 
Ailing Iraq President Flown to Jordan Amid conflicting reports about his health, Iraq's President Jalal Talabani was flown to Jordan for medical treatment; after suffering an apparent "stroke"... of genius.
James Cameron Claims To Find Jesus' Remains In a new documentary, Hollywood director James Cameron claimed he had uncovered a tomb containing the remains of Jesus Christ... and his own filmmaking career. / James Cameron: "...There it is!"
Martin Scorsese Finally Wins An Oscar After five failed nominations, director Martin Scorsese was finally given an Oscar for his film "The Departed"; which would also have been his reaction had he not won... / Announcer: "And the Oscar goes to..." / Martin Scorsese: "Bah!... Damn you again, Clint Eastwood!"
Dixie Chicks Vindicated By Grammy Wins American country music pariahs "The Dixie Chicks" were validated in their criticism of President Bush, by winning five Grammy awards... All in the "Spoken Word" category. / Presenter:"Say it again!"
Hamas and Fatah Form Unity Government Following months of factional violence between Fatah and Hamas, the Palestinian Authority agreed to form a Unity Government; just so people would throw rocks at Israel again. / Israeli Soldier:"Ah!... That's more like it!"
Hugo Chavez Granted Rule By Decree Lawmakers voted unanimously to grant Venezuela President Hugo Chavez the power to rule by decree... on the condition that one of the "changes" he implemented was his trademark red shirt. / Hugo Chavez:"Fidel... It's so nice to see you're feeling better!"
Iran Defies UN Nuclear Deadline Ignoring an IAEA deadline to halt its enrichment activities, Iran defied the United Nations' "Nuclear Watchdog", who it considered all "bark" and no "bite"... / Watchdog:"Ah-woof!" / Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:"Ahhhh, shat-up!"
Italy's Prime Minister Romano Prodi Resigns Italy's Prime Minister Romano Prodi resigned after just nine months, when the Senate rejected his "foreign policy"... to have an Italian government last for more than a year. / Italian Deli Clerk:"...Next!"
Marketing Campaign Causes Security Scare in Boston A marketing campaign for the animated American TV show "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" went horribly awry when Boston police mistook the "Mooninites" on the billboards for one in real life. / Police:"Stand clear!..." / Mooninite:"uh-oh!"
NASA Astronaut Faces Charges in Bizarre Love Triangle A female astronaut accused of trying to murder the rival love interest of a space shuttle pilot, was granted bail only after NASA assured the court that she posed no "flight risk"... / Astronaut:"Wait, come back! I love you!" / Shuttle Pilot:"Hit the gas!"
North Korea Agrees To End Nuclear Program In a groundbreaking deal, North Korea agreed to end its nuclear weapons program; then quickly detonated another bomb, when delegates asked that they "shake on it" first... / Kim Jong-Il:"Alright, if you insist..."
President Bush Unclear About Iran Evidence Unable to determine if Iran's leaders were actually sneaking weapons into Iraq, U.S. President George W. Bush flipped a two-headed coin... and let God decide for him. / George W. Bush:"Heads means yes..."
Report Blames Humans For Global Warming A panel of the world's top scientists concluded that humans were directly responsible for climate change, after they outsourced Mother Nature's job to China... / Intercom:"More smog!"
Super Bowl Ads Disappoint Viewers The highly anticipated commercials which aired during the Super Bowl broadcast failed to connect with football fans, costing advertisers $2.6 million for every fumble... / Football Fan:"...Huh?"
Ted Haggard Declares Himself Cured of Homosexuality After three weeks of "therapy", disgraced U.S. evangelist Ted Haggard insisted that we was no longer gay and felt completely heterosexual... but still his counselor wouldn't touch him. / Ted Haggard:"...Aw, come on!"
Tony Blair Announces Iraq Troop Withdrawal Bowing to public pressure, British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced plans to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq... Ahead of Prince Harry's much-publicized deployment. / British Soldier:"They're all yours!"
Today's Cartoon: Troubled Britney Spears Shaves Head After a brief stint in drug rehab, troubled pop star Britney Spears made a "bald" public statement, by "flipping her wig"... and then shaving it off altogether.
United Nations Urged To Act On Asteroid Threat In response to the demands of the scientific community, the United Nations assumed responsibility for preventing asteroids from hitting the Earth... by offering them "incentives" not to.
U.S. Reveals Explosive Evidence Against Iran U.S. credibility was immediately called into question when evidence supporting its claim that Iran was sneaking weapons into Iraq, was presented to the press in a magic show... / Uncle Sam:"Ta-daa!"
Al Gore Discusses Climate Change on Capitol Hill Environmental crusader and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore fueled rumors that he would be running in the 2008 elections, when he returned to Capitol Hill, to discuss "climate change"... / Al Gore:"I propose a tax on carbon emissions... Starting with the Bush Administrations foreign policy."
Alberto Gonzales Called To Resign Over Attorney Firings U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales refused to resign over politically motivated firings of federal prosecutors; insisting that he served at the pleasure of the president... / George W. Bush: "Alberto, you give amazing Head... of the Department of Justice."
Ann Coulter Drops F-Bomb on John Edwards Democratic hopeful John Edwards immediately sought to use slurs made by right-wing pundit Ann Coulter to his advantage, by campaigning to be the first "gay" president in u.s. history... / Ann Coulter: "...You have to go to rehab if you use the word "faggot"... So I can't really talk about Edwards." / John...
Ban Ki Moon Shaken By Baghdad Blast On his first visit to Baghdad, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon was left shaken, when after considering to increase the UN's presence in Iraq, the insurgency quickly beat him to it... / Nouri al-Maliki: "*sigh*..."
British Servicemen Seized By Iranian Forces Iranian forces seized 15 British Servicemen they claimed had illegally entered its waters... by sailing on the wrong side of the "strait". / Iranian gunboat: "Name, rank and serial number please..."
Captain America Bumped Off By Sniper Fans of the iconic comic book superhero "Captain America" were shocked, when in the latest issue he was shot and killed... during a hunting trip with vice president Dick Cheney. / Dick Cheney: "Damn it, not again!"
Democrats Propose Iraq Withdrawal By August 2008 U.S. President George W. Bush threatened to veto a plan by Democrats to withdraw combat troops from Iraq by August 2008... Unless they were being sent to Iran instead. / George W. Bush: "Anywhere but here!"
Detained British Sailors Appear on Iranian Television British officials feared that 15 detained sailors were coerced onto Iran television, where they praised the hospitality of their captors... and the cooking of President Ahmadinejad.
Fourth Anniversary of the Iraq War: Today's Cartoon To mark the forth anniversary of President Bush's invasion of Iraq, anti-war demonstrations took place in the streets of cities around the world... / Dick Cheney: "There's an "anti-war march" in Washington." / George W. Bush: "Really?... What makes it so different than any other month?"
Jacques Chirac To Not Seek Re-election In a televised address, French President Jacques Chirac announced his intention to not seek re-election... by delivering the whole speech through his ass. / French man: "Mon dieu!..."
John McCain Announces Candidacy For US President Republican Senator and former Vietnam P.O.W. John McCain declared his candidacy for President of the United States, during a vivid flashback of his failed campaign in 2000... / John McCain: "I still hate the gooks!"
Northern Ireland Catholics and Protestants Reach Historic Deal After years of hostilities, leaders of Norther Ireland's rival Catholic and Protestant parties met for the first time, to discuss the details of their historic power-sharing deal... / Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams: "No witchcraft!"
Outrage Over Conditions At Walter Reed Hospital Lawmakers concluded that the deplorable conditions at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center fitted the "mould" of problems experienced at military hospitals, across the U.S. / U.S. Soldier: "Shrapnel?" / Mouse: "Mouse trap."
President Bush Vows To Fight Subpeonas For Top Aides U.S. President George W. Bush vowed to fight any attempt to subpoena White House Aides over the firing of Federal Prosecutors, by launching his own "shock and awe" campaign... / George W. Bush: "Oooga Booga!..."
Scooter Libby Convicted In CIA Leak Case The conviction of former White House aide "Scooter" Libby on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice in the CIA leak case was received with a great deal of uncertainty... / Scooter Libby: "I beg your pardon..." / Judge: "I said the jury has found you guilty." / Scooter Libby: "I was talking to the...
Tainted Pet Food Scare Prompts Mass Recall Animal deaths resulting from tainted pet food prompted a North American recall of all contaminated products... forcing fast food outlets to temporarily cancel all "value meals". / Fast Food Employee: "...Give me that!"
U.S. Senate Sets Deadline for Iraq Withdrawal Despite numerous "Vito" threats from the White House, the United States Senate endorsed a war bill calling for the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq... / George W. Bush: "I thought I told ya to forgetaboutit" / U.S. Senator: "Uh... We know it's you, Mr. President."
Alberto Gonzales Testifies Before Senate Panel At a Senate oversight hearing, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales swore there was nothing "improper" about him firing 8 Federal Attorneys for political reasons... except getting caught. / Alberto Gonzales: "By doing the wrong thing the wrong way... I have done nothing wrong."
Alec Baldwin Berates Daughter In Leaked Voicemail Hollywood actor Alec Baldwin publicly apologized for insulting his 11 year-old daughter in an angry phone message, after it was leaked to the press by the "Rude Little Pig"... / Alec Baldwin:"You have humiliated me for the last time..." / Daughter:"Snort... Wanna' bet?"
Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Revealed After D.N.A. testing proved that the ex-boyfriend of the late model Anna Nicole Smith was the father of her baby, Bahamian officials refused to accept anymore samples from the public. / Bahamian official: "...eww!"
Bomber Infiltrates Iraq Green Zone A suicide bomber infiltrated Iraq's fortified "green zone" and detonated his explosives inside the parliament's cafeteria... prompting officials to stay clear of the "chicken surprise". / Bomber: "Who ordered the special?"
Don Imus Suspended Over Controversial Remarks American radio host Don Imus was "suspended" for two weeks after referring to the mostly black Rutgers University women's basketball team as a bunch of "nappy-headed hos"... / Don Imus: "...I feel really bad about this!"
Huge Turkish Secularism Rally One million Turkish protesters rallied to defend the separation of church and state, by demanding that the government remove its Islamist candidate... or by "God" they would! / Turkish Protester:"Gee Ahmed... Do you have to ruin everything?"
Iran Releases Detained British Sailors In a surprise announcement, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he would release 15 detained sailors as an Easter holiday "gift" to the British people... / Easter Bunny: "Quick! Get in the basket... Before he changes his mind."
Iran Rules Out Trial For British Sailors Iran ruled out any trial for 15 detained British sailors and insisted they wanted to resolve the issue diplomatically... after failing to find a judge for their "kangaroo court". / Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Blasted U.N. trade sanctions..."
Israel Offers Regional Peace Conference In response to a revived peace plan, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert invited Arab leaders to a region conference; requiring them to accept Israel's right to exist, in order to ask for directions... / Syria: "I can't seem to find you on my map." / Israel: "That's because it's from 1947!"
Keith Richards Admits Snorting Father's Ashes Famed "Rolling Stones" guitarist Keith Richards admitted to snorting the cremated ashes of his 84-year-old father... After accidentally scattering his cocaine, by mistake.
Nancy Pelosi Visits Syria The Bush Administration criticized U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for her unauthorized visit to a state sponsor of terror; as well as Syria, for not living up to its reputation... / George W. Bush: "Couldn't they at least scare her a little?"
Paul Wolfowitz World Bank Nepotism Scandal World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz refused to resign over charge of nepotism, after the promotion of his girlfriend tarnished the reputation of the international money lender... / Secretary: "Mr Wolfowitz will see you now..." / Client:*sigh*
Prince William Splits With Kate Middleton Britain's Prince William surprised royal-watchers by suddenly ending his six-year relationship with girlfriend Kate Middleton... during a much-needed toilet break. / Royal-Watcher: "What did I miss?!"
Rosie O'Donnell To Leave "The View" Outspoken American talk show star Rosie O'Donnell announced to her TV audience that despite leaving "The View", she was still allowed to host the program... off-camera. / Rosie O'Donnell: "9/11 was an inside job!" / Elizabeth Hasselbeck: "We can still see your arm."
Scientists Discover Earth-Like Planet Astronomers discovered a potentially habitable planet outside Earth's solar system, which later turned out to be the "fantasy world" the Bush Administration was living in... / George W. Bush: "Oh, crap!... They found us!" / Dick Cheney: "Hide!"
Shiites Call For US To Leave Iraq To mark the fourth anniversary of the U.S. capture of Baghdad, thousands of Iraqi Shiites protested America's "occupation", in hopes that the job would eventually be outsourced... to Iran.
Superman Costume Sold at Auction Despite the efforts of U.S. Democrats to cut-off the Bush Administration's Iraq war funding, Christopher Reeve's "Superman" costume was bought at auction for $115 000... / Dick Cheney: "Um... Are you sure about this Mr. President?" / George W. Bush: "Of course, Dick... I've seen the movie 50 times!"
U.S. Congress Approves Iraq Pullout Plan In a defiant move, the U.S. Senate approved legislation the linked continued Iraq war funding, with a gradual troop withdrawal... with an immediate "veto" from President Bush. / George W. Bush: "Heh heh!... Check Mate!"
Virginia Tech Shooting In the "worst" shooting rampage in U.S. history, a gunman at Virginia Tech University killed 32 people before shooting himself; as opposed to the the "best", where the shooter shot himself first...
Britain Seeks Ex-KGB in Litvinenko Case Russian officials refused to extradite a former KGB spy to Britain on charges of murdering Kremlin critic Alexander Litvinenko... prompting prosecutors to criticize their decision. / English Bobby: "Ha!... It worked!"
Bush Draws Fire From Sparrow At a Rose Garden news conference, President George W. Bush warned that withdrawal from Iraq would embolden Al Qaeda to attack America... before getting crapped on by a sparrow. / George W. Bush: "Ahh!... Too late!"
Bush Vetoes Iraq Spending Bill On the fourth anniversary of declaring victory over Iraq, U.S. President George W. Bush vetoed a war bill authorizing troop withdrawal... and declared victory over Democrats. / George W. Bush:"Major combat operations in Washington have ended..."
Daimler Sells Chrysler to Private Equity Firm Germany's Daimler corporation sold its control of the troubled U.S. carmaker Chrysler to a "private equity buyer", in a bid to help revere the company's failing fortune... / Dr.Z: "Deal!... Here are the keys."
David Hasselhoff Drunken Home Video Fans were shocked when former t.v. star David Hasselhoff humiliated himself, by appearing drunk in an embarrassing home video... that wasn't an episode of "Knight Rider". / Kitt: "I'm concerned about your drinking, Michael." / David Hasselhoff: "Shut up and drive, Kitt!"
Dick Cheney's Surprise Trip to Baghdad U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Baghdad, to convey the Bush Administrations displeasure over the Iraqi Government's planned two-month vacation... / Nouri Al-Maliki: "Lord Cheney, this is an unexpected pleasure..." / Dick Cheney: "Dispense with the pleasantries, Prime Minister......
Digg.com Users Revolt Over Censorship After DVD piracy information was removed from the popular "social news" aggregator Digg.com, angry users staged a digital mutiny; and "buried" the web site in protest... / Pirate:"Arr!" / Parrot"...Arr!"
Hugo Chavez Shuts Down Opposition Media In response to protests over the closure of opposition news channels, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez used State-Run media to "appeal" to the public, by offering new "social programs"... / Venezuelan: "Woo Hoo!... Free porn!"
Israeli War Probe Criticizes Ehud Olmert A probe into Israel's inconclusive 2006 war with Lebanon concluded that Prime Minister Ehud Olmert exercised "poor judgment"... by taking the advice of the Bush Administration. / Ehud Olmert:"Are you sure about this?..." / George W. Bush:"Worked for me... didn't it?"
Lebanon Forces Pound Palestinian Camp In Lebanon's worst internal fighting in years, Lebanese soldiers battled Islamic militants at a Palestinian refugee camp; giving its homesick inhabitants a small taste of life back home...
New Birth Control Eliminates Periods The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new form of birth-control which eliminated women's periods, after rejecting alternative methods that eliminated women... period.
Nicolas Sarkozy Wins French Elections France's newly elected President Nicolas Sarkozy vowed to "wage war" on unemployment and improve relations with the United States... by sending out of work street mimes to Iraq. / U.S. Soldier: "Finally... Something suicide bombers hate more than "occupation"."
Paris Hilton Seeks Pardon From Arnold Schwarzenegger In an attempt to avoid serving a 45 day jail sentence, celebrity socialite Paris Hilton endorsed an online petition, begging the pardon of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger... / Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Aargh!... Leave my accent ahh-lone!!"
Paul Wolfowitz Resigns from World Bank Bowing to international pressure, embattled World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz agreed to resign for promoting his girlfriend... provided that she returned the favor. / Paul Wolfowitz: *sigh*...
Prince Harry Denied Iraq Tour After threats from insurgents, British military officials deemed it was too dangerous to send Prince Harry to Iraq... unlike other soldiers, who were greeted with "open arms". / British Soldier #1: "Whoa... Good thing Prince Harry's not here." / British Soldier #2: "Yeah... He'd put us in danger."
Queen Elizabeth Visits Washington In the social event of his administration, U.S. President George W. Bush rolled out the red carpet for Britain's Queen Elizabeth II at the first white-tie dinner of his presidency... / George W. Bush: "...Over here your majesty!"
Taliban Lose Operational Commander The killing of the Taliban's top "opperational" commander by coalition forces in Afghanistan was viewed as a major setback for those following in his one-legged foot-step... / Taliban Fighter: "...Oh crud."
Tony Blair Announces Resignation British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his intention to resign by stating that a decade in office was long enough... especially when converted into dog years as "Bush's Poodle". / George W. Bush: "...Good boy!"
Tony Blair's Final Visit To Iraq During his final visit as British Prime Minister to war-torn Iraq, Tony Blair saw signs of progress, despite coming under mortar attack... which he viewed as a "warm welcome". / Tony Blair: "I appreciate your hostile hospitality."
Tuberculosis Scare on Airline An American man was forced into Federal Isolation after being infected with a "hard-to-treat" form of tuberculosis, in which symptoms include flying across Europe to avoid Health Officials. / Bird: "I've heard of bird "flew"... but this is ridiculous!"
US and Iran Meet Over Iraq The U.S. and Iran described their rare face-to-face meeting in Baghdad over the war in Iraq as "positive", by claiming to reach "common ground"... while not agreeing on anything. / U.S. Diplomat: "Well... that was easy."
The Arrest of the Spam King After sending unsolicited bulk email to millions of internet users, an American known as the "Spam King" was arrested... and forced to mail each of them a hand-written apology. / Spam King: "Dear Sally... Sorry for offering you a great deal on a larger penis."
Bush and Olmert Endorse Abbas Government At a White House strategy session, U.S. President George W. Bush and Israeli leader Ehud Olmert sought to bolster support for Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas... by praising Hamas instead. / George W. Bush: "Good work in Gaza!" / Ehud Olmert: "Way to follow orders!"
Bush Receives Hero's Welcome in Albania U.S. President George W. Bush was treated like a "rock star" in Albania; when during his tour, he demanded independence for Kosovo... and was told to keep the noise down by its neighbors. / Serbia: "Hey!... Shut up!"
Bush's Immigration Reform Bill Defeated President George W. Bush's planned immigration reform bill was blocked by the United States Senate, after it was caught trying to sneak into the building, through a hole in the wall... / George W. Bush: "Quick!... Over here!"
Chemical Ali Sentenced To Hang Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali" was sentenced to hang for using poison gas on the Kurds in the 1980's... which rendered Iraq's gas chambers inoperable ever since. / Iraqi Official: "Keep looking... There has to be some chemicals around here somewhere!"
Emergency Palestinian Government Sworn In Following the collapse of the Palestinian Unity Government, Hamas denounced Fatah's new "Emergency Cabinet" as illegitimate, since only Israel and the United States voted for it... / Hamas Militant: "Hey!... You guys get ice cream?!"
Fatah, Hamas Escalate Violence in Gaza Fears of a Palestinian civil war were quickly downplayed, after a bloody day of violence in Gaza between Hamas and Fatah indicated that there would be nothing "civil" about it... / Israeli Soldier #1: "Who are we rooting for again?..." / Israeli Soldier #2: "...Both of them."
Guantanamo Detainee's Charges Dropped A U.S. military court judge dropped all war crimes charges against two prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, on the basis that they were not recognized as "unlawful enemy combatants"... / Military Judge: "Uh... That's a toaster and a coat rack." / Military Lawyer: "Yeah, but we picked them up in Afghanistan."
Iraq's Golden Mosque Attacked... Again U.S. officials called an attack on Iraq's Golden Mosque an act of desperation by "Al Qaeda"; who after bombing the shrine in 2006, were apparently running out of new places to blow up... / Terrorist #1: "Well... That's everything." / Terrorist #2: "We might as well just blow ourselves up then."
Jack Kevorkian Released From Prison Following his eight-year prison term for helping clients commit suicide, "Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian stressed the benefits of having "patients" when it came to killing time... / Prison Guard: "...Meet your new cell mate."
Paris Hilton Goes to Jail Celebrity socialite Paris Hilton intended to use her time in jail for a probation violation to think about making the world a better place... but unfortunately, three weeks was not enough time. / Paris Hilton: *sigh* "3427..." / Sheep: "Sorry... I can't help you either."
Paris Hilton Released From Jail Celebrity socialite Paris Hilton was released from jail three days into her three week sentence for "mental reasons"; when instead of sleeping, she would dance at the bars all night.
Putin Threatens West Over Defense Shield In response to a planned U.S. missile defense shield near the Russian border, President Vladimir Putin threatened to aim his nuclear arsenal at Europe... and his middle finger at Washington.
Rumsfeld Refuted on Abu Ghraib In a report on the 2004 Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse investigation, a U.S. general claimed that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld tried to "acquit" himself, by denying any prior knowledge... / Donald Rumsfeld: "I don't see any torture." / U.S. General: "That's because your hand is in the way." / Donald Rumsfeld:...
Salman Rushdie Awarded British Knighthood Many Muslims were outraged when controversial author Salman Rushdie was awarded a knighthood by the Queen of England... and her sword didn't leave a scratch on him. / Salman Rushdie: "Uh... You do know that "fatwa" against me was lifted, right?"
Scooter Libby Ordered to Jail After convicted White House aide "Scooter" Libby was ordered to begin serving his obstruction of justice sentence, conservatives urged President Bush to do the same... by issuing him a pardon. / George W. Bush: "Oh boy!... Is it 2009 already?!"
Sopranos Finale Fans of the American mob drama "The Sopranos" were left in the dark when the series concluded with an abrupt cut-to-black that had televisions getting "whacked", instead of the main character. / Tony Montana: "I bury those cockroaches!"
Tony Blair Resigns as British PM Immediately following his resignation as Britain's Prime Minister, Tony Blair was appointed special envoy to the Middle East... as a peace offering to the Palestinians. / George W. Bush: "Good luck, Blair!"
Vatican Issues Commandments For Drivers To help prevent road rage, the Vatican issued a set of commandments for motorists and encouraged them to pray while driving... just not as a substitute for any other guideline.
WWE Wrestler Chris Benoit Tragedy Popular WWE wrestler Chris Benoit shocked his fans by killing his wife and child before hanging himself, in the worst "heel turn" storyline in professional wrestling history... / Wrestling fan: "... And you said it was fake!"
 
American Claims Competitive Eating Crown To celebrate Independence Day, an American man consumed a record-setting 66 hot dogs during a competitive eating contest, resulting in his own "uprising" against the crown...
BBC Reporter Alan Johnston Freed After being held hostage in the Gaza Strip for 114 days, BBC reporter Alan Johnston was released by his captors... in exchange for a subscription to a Palestinian newspaper. / Captor:"Ahh... Much better!"
Britain Expels Four Russian Diplomats Frustrated over Moscow's refusal to extradite the main suspect in the poisoning murder of ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko, Britain ordered the expulsion of four Russian diplomats... / Gordon Brown: "You make us sick!" / Russian Diplomat: "...Really?" / Gordon Brown: "Well no... But we can't say it to...
Britain's Terror Scare Just days after the resignation of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Britain was placed on its highest security threat level, following a series of attempted terrorist attacks... / Tony Blair: "Criticize my anti-terrorism laws, will you..."
The Brown-Bush Summit At their first official summit, U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown denied any distancing of relations, by presenting a united stance on Iraq... / Gordon Brown: "We're right behind you, George..."
Bush Commutes Libby's Sentence U.S. President George W. Bush commuted the jail sentence of former White House aide Lewis Libby, after concluding that having the nickname "Scooter" was punishment enough... / Scooter Libby: "Thank you for keeping me out of prison, Mr. President." / George W. Bush: "Hey!... I don't share my "bitches" with...
Bush Denies Congress Access to Aides U.S. President George W. Bush invoked "executive privilege" to block requests by Congress for the testimony of two former aides, about the firing of Federal Prosecutors... / George W. Bush: "Heh heh!... I've got more tricks than Harry Potter!"
Bush Firm on Iraq Despite Report Despite an interim report that gave Iraq a mixed review in meeting its political and security goals, U.S. President George W. Bush urged lawmakers to withhold judgment until September... 3007. / Cornelius: "Well, he was wrong... Should we thaw him out and tell him?" / Dr. Zaius: "Nah!... He wouldn't believe...
Bush Undergoes Colonoscopy During a routine colon examination, U.S. President George W. Bush had five growths removed from his rectum; including Iraq's "Weapons of Mass Destruction" program... / George W. Bush: "Um... How'd that get in there?"
Conrad Black Convicted of Fraud Former media mogul and Canadian citizen Conrad Black was convicted by a U.S. jury of mail fraud and obstruction of justice; and faced up to 35 years in an American prison... / Conrad Black: "Lousy exchange rate!"
Final Harry Potter Book Released The release of the final book in the popular "Harry Potter" series was so eagerly anticipated that people lined up for hours... just to read the spoilers on the internet. / Harry Potter Fan: "Next!..."
Lindsay Lohan Arrested... Again Troubled Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving after a bizarre car chase that began when co-stars of "Herbie: Fully Loaded" refused to work with her on a sequel... / Lindsay Lohan: "C'mon, it's a great script!... I wrote it myself!"
Live Earth Concert Promotes Green Living To help raise awareness of climate change, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore promoted "Live Earth", a 24-hour global concert series that encouraged people to live "greener" lives..." / Man #1: "What are you doing?" / Man #2: "Sending my "Global Carbon Tax" to Mother Nature."
Michael Chertoff's Gut Predicts Terror U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff quickly downgraded his "gut feeling" that America faced and immediate threat of "terrorism"... after an emergency trip to the toilet. / Michael Chertoff: "Aaahhhhh!"
Michael Vick Dog-Fighting Scandal NFL quarterback Michael Vick pleaded innocent to charges of running a dog-fighting operation on his property, but confessed that he still had much to learn about breeding pit-bulls... / Man: "...Are you sure that's a female?" / Michael Vick:"It's got a pink bow doesn't it?"
NASA Astronaut Drinking Scandal NASA officials refused to discuss a study which found that astronauts were permitted to fly drunk, despite concerns that the posed a flight risk... / NASA Official: "Don't worry... The monkeys used to do it all the time."
The New Transformers Movie To ensure that the movie adaptation of the popular 80's cartoon "Transformers" would not upset its older fans, it was double featured with Michael Moore's health care documentary "Sicko"... / Fanboy #1: "Well?... What did you think?" / Fanboy #2: "I can't afford to express my outrage!"
Pakistan Army Storms Red Mosque Pakistani forces stormed an Islamabad Mosque to end a week-long siege by pro-Taliban militants, who were accused of holding women and children as "human shields"... / Islamist Militant: "What do you mean, you're not bulletproof?!"
Tour de France Marred By Scandals Frustrated by repeated doping scandals plaguing the Tour de France, angry cyclists protested the start of the 16th stage of the race... until they got their urine back. / Cyclist: "*Phew!*... What a relief!"
Transformer Explosion Rocks New York U.S. Homeland Security ruled out terrorism as the cause of an explosion in midtown Manhattan, after it was revealed that the blast bore the hallmarks of a transformer... / Fanboy #1: "Well, that's a relief." / Fanboy #2: "How can you say that... when any of these cars could be a Decepticon!"
US Report Indicates Increased Al Qaeda Threat A new U.S. "National Intelligence Estimate" warned that "Al Qaeda" would use its improved contacts and capabilities to threaten the American homeland... / George W. Bush: "Wake up!... It's time to go to work!"
Alberto Gonzales Resigns: Today's Cartoon Pursued by Democrats over the politically motivated firing of Federal Prosecutors, U.S. attorney General Alberto Gonzales offered President Bush his "politically motivated" resignation... / George W. Bush: "What the Hell was that?!"
Alleged Police Provocateurs at Montebello Summit The Canadian Mounties denied video footage suggesting that police used "Agent Provocateurs" to incite violence during the North American Leaders Summit in Montebello Quebec... / Undercover Mountie: "C'mon fellow dissidents!... Let's perpetrate an infraction!"
Barry Bonds Breaks Home Run Record Barry Bonds' record-breaking 756th career home run evoked mixed feeling from baseball fans, due to his alleged steroid use and refusal to take a urine test at home plate... / Umpire: "...Safe!"
Bush Compares Iraq Withdrawal to Vietnam In an effort to gain support for the war, U.S. President George W. Bush cautioned a group of veterans that leaving Iraq would be just like pulling-out of Vietnam... / George W. Bush: "Wait a second... If you're all here... Then whose in Saigon?!"
Foot-and-Mouth Outbreak Hits Britain: Today's Cartoon A strain of highly infectious foot and mouth disease from a British research lab was discovered in a nearby cattle, resulting in the slaughter of the entire heard... / Cow: "Wow!... You guys are the best!"
Greek Wildfires Spark National Emergency Despite facing the worst forest fires in decades, government officials remained insistent that the best way to contain a "Greece Fire", was to smother it... / Greek Fireman: "We're going to need bigger pan lids!"
Hurricane Dean Threatens Gulf Oil Industry With winds of over 150 mph, Hurricane Dean raced towards the Gulf of Mexico nearing category 5 status and blowing more hot hair than the oil companies... for raising the price of gasoline.
Jose Padilla Convicted of Terrorism Support Ordered detained as an "enemy combatant" for an alleged "dirty bomb" plot in 2002, U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was instead found guilty of supporting terrorism... and enabling President Bush. / George W. Bush: "Alright... Who's next!"
Karl Rove Resigns The resignation of chief White House strategist Karl Rove, led many to speculate that the loss of "Bush's brain" would leave the president isolated and unable to advance his agenda... / George W. Bush: "I'm doooone!"
Karzai Calls Taliban Defeated Amid concerns of worsening violence in Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai insisted that the Taliban was a defeated force that posed no threat to his government... in the United States. / George W. Bush: "Hamid?... Shouldn't you be heading home now?" / Hamid Karzai: "I thought your grass could use a t...
Mattel Orders Mass Chinese Toy Recall: Today's Cartoon Concerns were raised over the safety of imported goods from China, when millions of Chinese-made toys were recalled over fear they could cause brain damage...
Moqtada al-Sadr Announces Iraq Ceasefire: Today's Cartoon Radical Iraqi Shiite Cleric Moqtada al-Sadr ordered the Mahdi Army to suspend attacks on U.S. forces for six months, so he could remove rogue elements from within his militia... / Militiaman: "Hey... Where did everybody go?"
Owen Wilson Hospitalized News that Hollywood star Owen Wilson attempted suicide over his failed relationship with actress Kate Hudson encouraged every 14 year-old boy across America, to try the same thing..." / 14 Year-old: "...She'll call."
Rice Phones Musharraf Over Emergency Fears: Today's Cartoon Worried that a state of emergency would be declared in Pakistan, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a late phone call to President Pervez Musharraf, to "urge" him against it... / Condoleezza Rice: "You know Pervez... Nothing turns me on more that a man who does what he's told."
Rumsfeld Denies Tillman Cover-up At a House Oversight hearing, former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld denied there was a cover-up in the friendly fire shooting of Army Ranger and former NFL star Pat Tillman... / Donald Rumsfeld: "What do you think this is... Abu Graib?"
Russia Accused Of Georgian Missile Strike Moscow denied claims that a Russian jet fired a missile into Georgia to provoke tension with its neighbor... yet remained silent on the flaming bags of feces found along the border.
Russia Claims The North Pole In reaction to global warming, Russia made a symbolic claim to the untapped energy resources of the North Pole, by staking its flag onto the arctic seabed... / Russian: "...Still counts."
Senator Larry Craig Sex Scandal U.S. Senator Larry Craig was pressured to resign by fellow Republicans for engaging in "disorderly conduct" in an airport men's room... and not in Congress, like everyone else. / Republican: "...Where are all the moderates?"
UN Approves Darfur Peacekeeping Force The U.N. Security Council authorized the world's largest peacekeeping mission for Darfur, aimed at ending the violence in the troubled African region... before it got out of control. / UN Soldier: "Well... it looks like we got here just in time..."
U.S. To Name Iran's Guard Terrorists: Today's Cartoon Frustrated by their hostile behavior, the U.S. was set to name Iran's Revolutionary Guard a "terrorist" group, to pacify Bush Administration hard-liners... pushing to go to wars. / Dick Cheney: "Grrr!..."
Adventurer Steve Fossett Goes Missing American millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett's plane disappeared over the Nevada desert, while scouting for locations to attempt a world land speed record... / Steve Fossett: "...This is the place!"
Ahmadinejad Visits Columbia University During a forum at New York's Columbia University, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad refuted claims that Iran executes homosexuals, by stating that they don't even exist in his country...
Bin Laden Branded "Virtually Impotent" Upon the release of his first video message in three years, the White House branded Osama Bin Laden as "virtually impotent" when he used it to describe how lonely it was, living in a cave... / Osama Bin Laden: "...Here donkey!"
Bush Addresses Iraq Recommendations Hoping to buy more time for his Iraq strategy, U.S. President George W. Bush used a prime-time television address to endorse the recommendations of his top general... and talk really slow. / George W. Bush: "Goooood... Eeevening..." / Teleprompter:"That's it, I'm leaving!"
Bush Makes Surprise Iraq Visit Day's before a pivotal war assessment was delivered to Congress, U.S. President George W. Bush made a "symbolic" visit to Iraq; to hint at troop reduction, if current "successes" continued... / George W. Bush: "...So far, so good!"
Canadian Loonie Equals US Dollar: Today's Cartoon For the first time in 31 years, the Canadian "loonie" reached parity with the American dollar, creating a "cents" of optimism in the currency... despite the direction of the North American Economy. / Canadian Loonie: "Wow!... Things are looking up, eh!"
General Petraeus Delivers Iraq Report In his long-anticipated assessment of the Iraq war, General David Patraeus reported to Congress that military objectives were being met and U.S. troops could finally begin coming home... / General Petraeus:"Heh heh heh... Just kidding!"
Iraq Orders Blackwater Expulsion In response to civilian shootings, the Iraqi government ordered the expulsion of the U.S. Security firm "Blackwater"... as well as Death Squads, Insurgents and American Forces. / Nouri al-Maliki: "That's it... Everyone out!"
Jerry Lewis Apologizes For Gay Slur Comedian Jerry Lewis apologized for using an anti-gay slur during his annual Labor Day Telethon... and for clogging the phone lines with less than charitable, angry homosexuals. / Jerry Lewis: "...Don't answer that!"
Myanmar Protests Turn Violent Myanmar's military rulers launched a violent crackdown on the country's largest pro-democracy movement since 1988, proving that not just their Buddhist monks believed in "reincarnation"... / Buddhist Monk: "Whoa... Deja vu!"
OJ Simpson Arrested In Armed Robbery After the release of his book "If I Did It", former football star and murder suspect O.J. Simpson was arrested for "probable cause" in connection to a sequel, about a sports memorabilia robbery. / O.J. Simpson: "Look, I wasn't stealing... I was researching!"
Phil Spector Judge Declares Mistrial The judge declared a mistrial in the murder case of legendary music producer Phil Spector, after the jury could not determine who shot actress Lana Clarkson in the face... / Phil Spector: "That's the last time I go hunting with Dick Cheney."
Putin Dissolves Russian Government In a surprise move, Russian President Vladimir Putin "dissolved" his entire government ahead of upcoming elections and shortly after testing the world's most powerful non-nuclear bomb... / Vladimir Putin: "...Consider yourselves "fired"."
Student Tasered During John Kerry Event A university of Florida student was tasered and arrested after asking former Presidential candidate John Kerry why he didn't contest his loss to George W. Bush in the 2004 election... / John Kerry: "Does that answer your question?"
Tony Snow Resigns White House Press Secretary Tony Snow insisted his resignation was for financial, not health reasons; and that despite being sick, there were far worse things than having cancer... / Tony Snow: "That's it!... You can't pay me enough to spew this "bushit" anymore!"
US Blocks Ahmadinejad's WTC Visit New York authorities denied Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's request to lay a wreath at "ground zero" during a trip to the United Nations, over "security concerns"... / Police Officer: "Um... This ain't the World Trade Center." / Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Yeah... I know."
Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was given the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his work, raising awareness of global warming... and why he should run for president in 2008.
Blackwater Contractors Get Iraq Immunity The U.S. State Department angered the Iraqi government by offering "immunity" to Blackwater security contractors, instead of the civilians that they were accused of shooting...
Blackwater Defends Reputation Before Congress Under intense scrutiny over its work in Iraq, the head of the U.S. security contractor "Blackwater" appeared before the House Oversight committee, to dispute his firm's "cowboy" reputation... / Yosamite Sam: "Say it again, varmints... I dares ya!"
Bomb Attack Ruins Bhutto Homecoming On her triumphant return to Pakistan after eight years in exile, former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto received a hero's welcome from supporters... and a "martyr's" greeting by opponents.
Britian To Halve Iraq Force As further evidence of the overall decline in the U.S. "exchange rate", Britain announced plans to halve its coalition force in Iraq. by spring 2008... / U.S. Solider #1: "Look!... The British are cut and running!" / U.S. Soldier #2: "Damn it!... We should have kept the torsos!"
British Royal Blackmail Scandal For the first time in over a century, the British Royal family was the target of "Blackmail"... prompting Buckingham Palace to seek out all remaining nude photos of Queen Victoria. / Palace Guard: "Here's another one..."
Britney Spears Loses Custody of Children Trouble pop star Britney Spears lost custody of her children following a steady stream of erratic behavior, including the launch of "pre-emptive" wars in Iraq and Afghanistan... / George W. Bush: "This is all your fault!"
Carter Says US Tortures Detainees In a television interview, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter charged that the Bush administration authorized the use of torture on detainees... and he had the scars to prove it. / Jimmy Carter: "These are the ones I can show you..."
Condoleezza Caught Red Handed by Protester U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was unfazed when an anti-war protester waved blood-colored hands in her face at a Congressional hearing... since she did not interpret sign language. / Condoleezza Rice: "Huh?... Down the hall and to the left."
Dalai Lama Visits White House In an effort to not offend China any further; U.S. President George W. Bush decided to meet with the Dalai Lama in "private", to prevent White House reporters from seeing them together... / George W. Bush: "Have a seat!"
Diana Inquiry Unsure Of Pregnancy: Today's Cartoon An inquest into the 1997 death of Princess Diana was told that there was no way to determine if she was pregnant prior to her fatal car crash, since there was no evidence to prove it... / Fetus: "Taxi!..."
Harry Potter Author Outs Gay Character Following the revelation by "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling that the wizard character "Dumbledore" was gay, horror writer Stephen King acknowledged that "Cujo" was a homosexual too...
Iraq Demands Compensation From Blackwater On the same day Iraq's government demanded "Blackwater" pay compensation to the victims of a civilian shooting, another private security firm opened fire on two women in Baghdad... / Private Security Contractor: "...You mean they're not paying for all of us?!"
Marion Jones Admits Steroid Use Former Olympic Gold medalist Marion Jones pleaded guilty to lying to federal prosecutors when the U.S. track star admitted that her "God-given" ability came in the form of steroids...
North Korea To Dismantle Nuclear Program After years developing the world's deadliest weapons, North Korea pledged to disable its nuclear program, on the condition that Kim Jong-il could keep his giant radioactive pet monster...
Putin Dismisses Alleged Plot Threat Russian president Vladimir Putin ignored the threat of an assassination plot during a visit to Iran, insisting that if he listened to his security service, he would never leave home... / Russian Security: "B-but it's raining!"
Rumsfeld Faces Torture Charges In France Unconfirmed reports suggested that former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld fled France to avoid charges of ordering torture in Iraq... as well as room service in Paris.
Schwarzenegger Battles California Wildfires Governor and former "Conan" star Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency in California and summoned help to defeat wildfires, driven by the powerful Santa Ana winds... / Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Ha!... Crom laughs at your four winds!"
Turkey Approves Actions Against Iraq Despite Turkey's overwhelming approval of a bill authorizing the invasion of Iraq in defense against "terrorism", U.S. President George W. Bush insisted it was not in their interest to do so... / George W. Bush: "What are you nuts?!... Haven't I taught you anything?!"
Turkey Recalls U.S. Ambassador: Today's Cartoon In response to a U.S. congressional bill that recalled the 1915 Armenian massacre and branded it "genocide", Turkey recalled its Ambassador from Washington... and branded him as well.
UN Envoy Sent To Myanmar Unable to persuade Myanmar's military rulers to ease their violent crackdown on pro-democracy demonstrators, a U.N. Peace Envoy was given the opportunity to vent his frustration... / Myanmar Solider: Go ahead... It works for us.
US Tightens Sanctions Against Iran The U.S. imposed tighter sanctions on Iran over its alleged nuclear weapons program, to deter the world from investing in that country... at the expense of its own bankrupted credibility. / Dick Cheney: "Let's go for broke!" / George W. Bush: "...We already are."
a class="searchlink" href="http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2007/11/italian-police-shooting-sparks-riots.html">http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2007/11/italian-police-shooting-sparks-riots.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2007/12/benazir-bhutto-assassinated-todays.html">http://beyondthepunchline.blogspot.com/2007/12/benazir-bhutto-assassinated-todays.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
U2's Bono Knighted Irish rocker Bono received an honorary British knighthood in recognition of his contribution to the music industry and tireless humanitarian effort... fighting AIDS in Africa. / Bono: "Alright... Who's next!"
The Release of Halo 3: Today's Cartoon The eagerly anticipated release of "Halo 3" prompted many video game enthusiasts to take time off work... playing "Halo 2". / George W. Bush: "Heh heh heh!..."
The Plot to Kidnap Tony Blair's Son After planning for MONTHS to kidnap Tony Blair's son; a British group, campaigning for the rights of divorced fathers, aborted the mission so they could go fishing that weekend instead.
United States Launches "Operation Swarmer" in Iraq The United States launched its largest "air" assault since the invasion of Iraq... through the "Mainstream Media".
 

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