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Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Martin: I...think this is a little small for me. / Dora: Ironically, I think I already own this pair. / Faye: I'd rather have gotten coal. / Pintsize: Thongs for everyone!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Christmas 2006: Pintsize has gifted Dora, Faye, and Marten all thongs. Faye is not pleased, while Dora appreciates it, and Marten expresses concern on how he's going to make use of it. Pintsize is wearing a thong in this comic.]] / Marten: I....think this is a little small for me. / Dora: "Ironically, I think I already own this pair." / Faye: "I'd rather have gotten coal" / Pintsize: "Thongs for everyone!"
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Stick figure Martin and Faye sit at a bar]] / Faye: Why do you and Dora call me "butch"? / Martin: C'mon..short, mussed up hair..boy clothes..how are you NOT butch? / Faye: I suppose that makes me "butch" in a general sense, but.. / Faye: Locally, I think I'm still pretty feminine. / Martin: How do you mean? / Faye: Some of the other women in this area are..well, you know Melva who works in the third floor periodicals room? / Martin: Wait, Melva's a WOMAN? / Faye: Yup. Don't let the beard fool you. Underneath that undoubtably hairy chest beats a tender female heart. / Martin: Wow. Candled to a model like that, she makes even ME feel like a natural woman. / Martin: I suppose that explains why I've been having all those sexy dreams about her lately, though. / Faye: No, actually. It really doesn't. But I can put in a good word for you if you want.
Questionable Content: Number 782: Guest strip by Eric TITLE BAR: Number 782: Guest strip by Eric / TRANSCRIPT: / PANEL 1 / Tai: Why do you an Dora call me "butch"? / Martin: C'mon.. short, mussed up hair.. boy clothes.. how are you NOT butch? / PANEL 2 / Tai: Locally, I think I'm still pretty feminine. / Marten: How do you mean? / Tai: Some of the other women in this area are... well, you know Melva who works in the third floor periodicals room? / Marten: Wait Melva's a WOMAN? / PANEL 3 / Tai: Yup. Don't let the beard fool you. Underneath that undoubtedly hairy chest beats a tender female heart. / Marten: Wow. Candled to a model like that, she makes even ME feel like a natural woman. / PANEL 4 / Marten: I suppose that explains why I've been having all those sexy dreams about her lately, though. / Tai: No, actually. It really doesn't. / Tai: But I can put in a good word for you if you want.
Questionable Content Number 783: Speakers Push The Air [[Marten and Dora are sitting at the bar.]] / Marten: Who's that dude talking to Faye? He looks familiar. / Dora: He's that guy who comes in to the shop every day to bicker with her. We just call him Argument Guy. / Marten: Well they certainly seem to be doing that now. I can't believe she hasn't decked him yet. / Dora: I think she kinda enjoys sparring with someone who can keep up with her. Note the wry smirk on her face. / Marten: Hmm, you're right. Now she's... laughing? She's laughing! / Dora: Wow, that's impressive. Not many dudes could strike up a conversation with Faye and emerge unscathed, let alone get her to crack a smile. / [[Marten and Dora turn to see Argument Guy go flying behind them.]] / Argument Guy: WAUGH! / Dora: I guess I spoke too soon. / Marten: Looks like he did too. / Purple-haired bartender: Is your friend lookin' for work? We could use a bouncer on weekends.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday 783: Speakers Push The Air / Marten: Who's that dude talking to Faye? He looks familiar. / Dora: He's that guy who comes in to the shop every day to bicker with her. We just call him Argument Guy. / Marten: Well they certainly seem to be doing that now. I can't believe she hasn't decked him yet. / Dora: I think she kinda enjoys sparring with someone who can keep up with her. Note the wry smirk on her face. / Marten: Hmm, you're right. Now she's... laughing? She's laughing! / Dora: Wow, that's impressive. Not many dudes could strike up a conversation with Faye and emerge unscathed, let alone get her to crack a smile. / Angus: WAUGH! / Dora: I guess I spoke too soon. / Marten: Looks like he did too. / Bartender: Is your friend lookin' for work? We could use a bouncer on weekends.
Questionable Content Number 784: Persistent Bugger, Ain't He [[Argument Guy walks back up to an angry Faye in the bar.]] / Argument Guy: Man, that's quite an arm you got on you. How'd you do that? / Faye: Simple physics. Judo times rage divided by mass equals distance. / Argument Guy: Look, I'm sorry if I was out of line. i was honestly just tryin' to make conversation. / Faye: And you did so in the most infuriating manner possible, including ignoring my repeated requests that you leave me alone. / [[Argument Guy takes out a notepad and begins scribbling.]] / Argument Guy: Well, I apologize. / Faye: No, dumbass, I don't think you get it. You're STILL violating my requests! / Argument Guy: Okay, okay. I'll go. But I'd still like to apologize in a manner that doesn't invade your space, so here's my number. Gimme a call sometime. / Faye: What's your name? / Argument Guy: Angus. Angus McPhee. / Faye: Goddammit. / Angus: What's wrong now? / Faye: Apparently knowing someone's name DOESN'T make it easier to set them on fire with your mind.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Argument Guy: Man, that's quite an arm you got on you. How'd you do that? / Faye: Simple physics. Judo times rage divided by mass equals distance. / Argument Guy: Look, I'm sorry if I was out of line. I was honestly just tryin' to make conversation. / Faye: And you did so in the most infuriating manner possible, including ignoring my repeated requests that you leave me alone. / Argument Guy: Well, I apologize. / Faye: No, dumbass, I don't think you get it. You're STILL violating my requests! / Argument Guy: Okay, okay. I'll go. But I'd still like to apologize in a manner that doesn't invade your space, so here's my number. Gimme a call sometime. / Faye: What's your name? / Argument Guy: Angus. Angus McPhee. / Faye: Goddammit. / Angus: What's wrong now? / Faye: Apparently knowing someone's name DOESN'T make it easier to set them on fire with your mind.
Questionable Content:785: A Snake Would Have Worked Better [[Faye is sitting at the Bar, Dora and Marten come over]] / Faye: Christ, I was WONDERING when you'd come back over here. / Dora: You just seemed so absorbed in conversation with your new friend that we didnt want to interupt. / Marten: Plus you had your murdering face on and I know not to come near you then. / / [[Frame two]] / Dora: He ran out of here awfully fast / Faye: I told him he had 10 seconds to vacate the premesis before I broke him down into competant molecules / Marten: Dude's either brave or stupid to pester you after you chucked him across the room once already. / / [[Frame Three]] / Faye: Ugh, I know! Then he had the nerve to give me his number! / Dora: He gave you his number? I knew it! He DOES like you! / Faye: What does he expect me to do? Call him up and be all "Hurr I love it when you annoy me, Let's make out?" / Marten: Last time I tried that strategy for wooin' was back in third grade. I had a crush on this one girl and I stuck a frog down the back of her dress. / / [[Frame Four]] / Dora: Hahah! Did it work? / Marten: Aparently she's a herpatologist now, so...kinda? / Faye: The Fairy tale talks about Frogs and Princesses, but it doesnt say anything about the jackasses I apparently attract.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Christ, I was WONDERING when you'd come back here. / You just seemed so absorbed in conversation with your new friend we didn't want to interrupt. / Plus you had y our murderin' face on and I know not to come near you then. / He ran outta here awfully fast. / I told him he had 10 seconds to vacate the premises before I broke him down into his component molecules. / Dude's either brave or stupid to come back and pester you more after you chucked him across the room once already. / Ugh, I know! And THEN he had to gall to give me his number! / He gave you his NUMBER? I knew it! He DOES like you! / What does he expect me to do, call him up and be all "hurr, I love it when you annoy me, let's make out"? / Last time I tried that strategy for wooin' was back in third grade. I had a crush on this once girl so I put a frog down the back of her dress. / Hahah! Did it work? / Apparently she's a herpetologist now, so...kinda? / The fairy tale talks all about the frogs and princes, but it doesn't say anything about the jackasses I apparently attract
 
Questionable Content Number 786: Ain't Don' Nothin' [[Dora, Marten, Tai, and Faye enter Faye and Marten's apartment.]] / Dora: Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee! / Tai: Omigod Jimbo is SO amazing. He's like.. he's like a modern-day Hemingway! Or Faulkner! Except his books are terrible. / [[Faye looks back at Tai and Marten, bemused or possibly annoyed.]] / [[Marten and Faye approach Pintsize, who is sitting on the couch.]] / Marten: Hey Pintsize. What sort of trouble did you get into tonight? / Faye: Yeah, let's just get this over with. I'm sleepy. / Pintsize: Oh, I didn't really do anything tonight. Just watched TV. / Marten: Oh. Okay then. / Faye: I'm goin' to bed. Night night, kids. / [[Pintsize throws up his arms in frustration.]] / Pintsize: Wait, aren't you freaked out? I said i didn't do anything bad! It's a completely unexpected twist, considering my previous behavior! You should be wracked with suspicion and paranoia! / Marten: Oh come on dude, that's one of the oldest comedy tropes of all time. You might as well have lined the floor with banana peels and balanced a bucket of water over Faye's door. / [[Faye opens her door a crack and peeks into her bedroom.]] / Pintsize: The grocery store was closed and I couldn't find a ladder. / Faye: That explains the bucket of water on my bed and the note next to it saying "LOL FALL IN LOL." / Tai: Poorly-executed prank, or sublime Dadaist installation piece? You be the judge.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee! / Omigod Jimbo is SO amazing. He's like..he's like a modern-day Hemingway! Or Faulkner! Except his books are terrible. / Hey Pintsize. What sort of trouble did you get into tonight? / Yeah, let's just get this over with. I'm sleepy. / Oh, I didn't really do anything tonight. Just watched TV. / Oh. Okay then. / I'm goin' to bed. Night night, kids. / Wait, aren't you freaked out? I said I didn't do anything bad! It's a completely unexpected twist, considering my previous behavior! You should be wracked with suspicion and paranoia! / Oh come on dude, that's one of the oldest comedy tropes of all time. You might as well have lined the floor with banana peels and balanced a bucket of water over Faye's door. / The grocery store was closed and I couldn't find a ladder. / That explains the bucket of water on my bed and the note next to it saying "LOL FALL IN LOL." / Poorly-executed prank, or sublime Dadaist installation piece? You be the judge.
Questionable Content #787 [[Faye enters Coffee of Doom to find Raven sitting at the counter, staring blankly in the opposite direction, resting her head on her elbow.]] / Faye: Morning, Raven. / [[No response from Raven.]] / Faye: RAVEN, good MORNING. / Raven: Oh! I'm sorry Faye, I didn't notice you come in. Hi! / Faye: Jeez, what had you so absorbed in thought? / Raven: I was just thinkin' about dogs. / Faye: Dogs? / Raven: Yeah! They're fuzzy. / [[Faye removes her jacket, looking incredulous.]] / Faye: You're just sitting here, thinking REALLY HARD about dogs. Because they're fuzzy. / Raven: Yep! / Faye: I ... you ... I ... don't ... um. / [[Dora enters to find both Faye and Raven sitting at the counter. Faye stares ahead; Raven intertwines her fingers, wearing a pleased expression.]] / Dora: Morning ladies, I ... uh, what are you doing? / Faye: Thinkin' about dogs. I was gonna make fun of Raven for it, but it's actually a really relaxing way to start the day. / Raven: They're fuzzy!
Number 787: Cats Too Faye: Morning, Raven. / Faye: RAVEN, good MORNING. / Raven: Oh! I'm sorry Faye, I didn't ntice you come in. Hi! / Faye: Jeez, what had you so absorbed in thought? / Raven: I was just thinkin' about dogs. / Faye: Dogs? / Raven: Yeah! They're fuzzy. / Faye: You're just sitting here, thinking REALLY HARD about dogs. Because they're fuzzy. / Raven: Yep! / Faye: I... you... I... don't... um. / Dora: Morning ladies, I... uh, what are you doing? / Raven: Thinkin' about dogs. I was gonna make fun of Raven for it, but it's actually a really relaxing way to start the day. / Raven: They're fuzzy! / [[Coffeeshop]] / {{Raven and Faye think about dogs because they're fuzzy.}}
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Number 788: AKA "Tequila" / Ellen: Hey, Marten? / Marten: Ellen? What do you want? / Ellen: I just wanted to apologize for what I said to you last time. It was really mean of me. / Marten: Oh. Yeah, it was. / Ellen: Well, I'm... I'm sorry. It was way out of line comparing my situation with yours. I know it's not the same thing. I was wrong and I'm sorry. / Marten: Why'd you REALLY break up with Steve, anyway? / Ellen: I'm gonna be gone on a boat for a semester! I'm not ready to do the long-distance thing. I just thought it'd be less painful in the long run if I ended the relationship when I did. / Ellen: I still feel bad about it. I mean, I think I made the right decision for me, but I wish it hadn't gone the way it did. / Marten: And the guy you were going on a date with the next day? How's he fit into all of this? / Ellen: That was just a big mistake. I dunno, I guess it was like, I had already drunk three quarters of the bottle of Mistake Whiskey, so I figured I might as well finish the whole thing since I was gonna feel shitty the next morning anyway. / Marten: The hangover is the worst part of Mistake Whiskey, though. Instead of caffeine and aspirin you need distance and perspective and they don't sell those at the drugstore.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Ellen: Hey, Marten? / Marten: Ellen? What do you want? / Ellen: I just wanted to apologize for what I said to you last time. It was really mean of me. / Marten: Oh. Yeah, it was. / Ellen: Well, I'm...I'm sorry. I was out of line, comparing my situation with yours. I know it's not the same thing. I was wrong and I'm sorry. / Marten: Why'd you REALLY break up with Steve, anyway? / Ellen: I'm gonna be gone on a boat for a semester! I'm not ready to do the long-distance thing. Just thought it'd be less painful in the long run if I ended our relationship when I did. / Ellen: I still feel bad about it. I mean, I think I made the right decision for me, but I wish it hadn't gone the way it did. / Marten: And the guy you were going on a date with the next day? How's he fit into all of this? / Ellen: That was just a big mistake. I dunno, I guess it was like, I had already drunk three quarters of the bottle of Mistake Whiskey, so I figured I might as well finish the whole thing since I was gonna feel shitty the next morning anyway. / Marten: The hangover is the worst part of Mistake Whiskey, though. Instead of caffeine and aspirin you need distance and perspective and they don't sell those at the drugstore.
Questionable Content {{Comic #789: Animal House}} / [[Ellen and Martin are in a college library]] / Ellen: So, uh...how's Steve doing? / Martin: He's doing okay, I think. Not happy, but okay. / Ellen: Man, I shouldn't have dumped him like that. He's sad, I'm guilty, you guys probably all hate me... / Martin: HATE is a bit of a strong word. I mean, the girls are probably kinda pissed, and as Steve's friend I'm sorta required to take his side, but I'm not going to hate you for it. / Martin: Although as much as I don't wanna say it, you did kinda bring this upon yourself. / Ellen: Yeah...I know. I made my bed and now I gotta lie in it. Thanks for being understanding, Martin. I really appreciate it. / Martin: It's cool. You live upstairs from me with my bandmate, I'd rather it not be any more awkward than it has to be, you know? / Ellen: Yeah. Anyway, I'll see you around. / Tai: That was gracious of you. / Martin: I feel bad for her. I remember making my first really bad relationship decision, and it's never fun. / Tai: Well that's what college is for--getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room. / Martin: Hang on to that. It could turn out to be a much more useful piece of paper than your diploma, in the long run. / Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Questionable Content: Number 789: Animale House TITLE BAR: Number 789: Animale House / TRANSCRIPT: / PANEL 1 / Ellen: So, uh...how's Steve doing? / Marten: He's doing okay, I think. Not happy, but okay. / PANEL 2 / Ellen: Man, I shouldn't have dumped him like that. He's sad, I'm guilty, you guys probably all hate me... / Marten: HATE is a bit of a strong word. I mean, the girls are probably kinda pissed, and as Steve's friend I'm sorta required to take his side, but I'm not gonna hate you for it. / Marten: Although as much as I don't wanna say it, you did kinda bring this upon yourself. / PANEL 3 / Ellen: Yeah...I know. I made my bed and now I gotta lie in it. Thanks for being understanding, Marten. I really appreciate it. / Marten: It's cool. You live upstairs from me with my bandmate, I'd rather it not be any more awkward than it has to be, you know? / Ellen: Yeah. Anyway I'll see you around. / PANEL 4 / Tai: That was gracious of you. / Marten: I feel bad for her. I remember making my first really bad relationship decision, and it's never fun. / Tai: Well, that's what college is for- getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room. / Marten: Hang on to that. It could turn out to be a much more useful piece of paper than your diploma, in the long run. / Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Title text: Probably Based On A True Story}} / Dora: So what do you think the odds of Angus McArgumentGuy coming in today are? / Faye: No good, if he knows what's good for him. / Raven: Who what now? / Dora: Argument Guy tracked Faye down at the bar last night, chatted her up, and managed to give her his phone number without being dismembered. / Raven: Really? Eee! I win! I win! / Faye: You win? / Raven: The bet! Pay up, Dora. / Dora: Okay okay, lemme go get my wallet. / Faye: You two were betting on whether or not he had a thing for me? / Raven: No, silly. That was OBVIOUS. We were betting on whether or not you'd kill him when you found out. / Faye: Great, my love life has been turned into a gambling venture. Lemme guess, you've also got a pool going for when I'll finally get laid again. / Raven: I'm not supposed to talk about that.. but it you were to go out and hire yourself a male prostitute on, say, April 14th, I might be willing to split the profits with you.
Number 790: Probably based on a True Story Dora: So what do you think the odds of Angus McArgumentGuy coming in today are? / Faye: Not good, if he knows what's good for him. / Raven: Who what now? / Dora: Argument Guy tracked Faye down at the bar last night, chatted her up, and managed to give her his phone number without being dismembered. / Raven: Really? Eee! I win! I win! / Faye: "You win?" / Raven: The bet! Pay up, Dora. / Dora: Okay okay, lemme go get my wallet. / Faye: You two were betting on whether or not he had a thing for me? / Raven: No, silly. That was OBVIOUS. We were betting on whether or not you'd kill him when you found out. / Faye: Great, my love life has been turned into a gambling venture. Lemme guess, you've also got a pool going for when I'll finally get laid again. / Raven: I'm not supposed to talk about that... but if you were to go out and hire yourself a male prostitute on, say, April 14th, I might be willing to split the profits with you.
 
Number 791: I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You {{Title: Number 791: I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You}} / [[Marten and Tai are talking in the library.]] / Tai: You mentioned something about Ellen living with your band-mate earlier. / Marten: Oh uh yeah, I play music with her roommate Nat and Nat's boyfriend. / Tai: What instrument do you play? Lemme guess, bass. / Marten: Huh? No, I play guitar. / Tai: Really? Heheh, okay... / Marten: Wait a minute, Why'd you think I was a bass player? / Tai: I dunno, you just don't strike me as being the guitarist type. / Marten: What, you mean you can't imagine me in leather pants and a leopard-print spandex tanktop, all shreddin' mad arpeggios on a pointy guitar with an airbrush drawing of a snake fighting a hot ninja babe? / Tai: Only if your band name is Marten Reed and the Walking Cliches. / Marten: Our setlist features songs like "Double Entendre Chorus," "Ironic 1980s Reference," "Obligatory Power Ballad," and "Making Fun Of Hair-Metal Bands Is Still Funny, Right?"
Questionable Content: Number 791: I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You TITLE BAR: Number 791: I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You / TRANSCRIPT: / PANEL 1 / Tai: You mentioned something about Ellen living with your band-mate earlier. / Marten: Oh uh yeah, I play music with her roommate Nat and Nat's boyfriend. / PANEL 2 / Tai: What instrument do you play? Lemme guess, bass. / Marten: Huh? No I play guitar. / Tai: Really? Heheh, okay... / PANEL 3 / Marten: Wait a minute. Why'd you think I was a bass player? / Tai: I dunno, you just don't strike me as being the guitarist type. / PANEL 4 / Marten: What, you mean you can't imagine me in leather pants and a leopard-print spandex tanktop, all shreddin' mad arpeggios on a pointy guitar with an airbrush drawing of a snake fighting a hot ninja babe? / Tai: Only if your band name is Marten Reed and the Walking Clichés. / Marten: Our setlist features songs like "Double Entendre Chorus," "Ironic 1980s Reference," "Obligatory Power Ballad," and "Making Fun Of Hair-Metal Bands Is Still Funny, Right?"
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Raven and Faye are behind the counter at Coffee of Doom. Faye is examining her injured hand]] / Faye: Ow! Assballs! I burned my hand on the damn carafe warmer! / Raven: You know what they say, "you play with the lion and you're gonna get burned." / Faye: No, I'm pretty sure "they" don't say that. What the heck are you talkin' about? / Raven: The other day I was thinking about lions, and I realized that all proverbs are better if you replace one of the words with "lion." / Faye: So, like..."The grass is always greener on the other side of the lion?" / Raven: Exactly! "A lion saved is a lion earned!" / [[Dora appears alongside Raven]] / Dora: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw lions. / Raven: A lion in the hand is worth two in the bush. / Faye: Speak softly and carry a big lion? / Dora: The enemy of my enemy is my lion. / Faye: Measure twice, lion once. / Raven: The reports of my lion have been greatly exaggerated! / Faye: I would do anything for lion, but I won't do that. / Raven: Don't look a gift lion in the mouth. / [[Dora ponders]] / Dora: You know, that last one actually makes more sense than the original proverb.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[location: Coffee of Doom]] / Faye: Ow! Assballs! I burned my hand on the damn carafe warmer! / Raven: You know what they say, "you play with the lion and you're gonna get burned." / Faye: No, I'm pretty sure "They" don't say that. What the Heck are you talkin' about? / Raven: The other day I was thinking about lions, and I realized all proverbs are better if you replace one of the words with "lion." / Faye: So, like... "The grass is always greener on the other side of the lion?" / Raven: Exactly! "A lion saved is a lion earned!" / Dora: People in glass houses shouldn't throw lions. / Raven: A lion in the hand is worth two in the bush. / Faye: Speak softly and carry a big lion. / Dora: The enemy of my enemy is my lion. / Faye: Measure twice, lion once. / Raven: The reports of my lion have been greatly exaggerated! / Faye: I would do anything for lion, but I won't do that. / Raven: Don't look a gift lion in the mouth. / Dora: You know, that last one actually makes more sense than the original proverb.
Questionable Content {{Title Text - Crushing her Hopes and Dreams}} / [[Setting - Coffee of Doom]] / Sven: Hey sis. / Dora: Hey Sven. What's up? / Sven: I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by. / Faye: Dropping off one of your floozy girlfriends after a night of debauchery, no doubt. / Sven:Actually, I was just picking up some drycleaning. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get the old man smell out of a second hand sportcoat. Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff to do today, so I better run. / Faye: What, are you doing the town record for most naive college girls deflowered in a single day? / Sven: Hah! No, I'm putting my deflowering days behind me. / Dora: Did I just sprout a goatee? Are we suddenly in Bizarro Universe? / Sven: Nah, I just realized it wasn't very fulfilling for me, y'know? And I have Faye here to thank for it. / Dora: You castrated my brother, didn't you. / Faye: I... I don't RECALL doing so, but I suppose I could have done it while sleepwalking or blacked-out drunk. / Raven: Noooooo! / Sven: She didn't astrate me. She just made me rethink my priorities vis a vis casual sex. / Raven: That's just as bad!
Crushing Her Hopes And Dreams Sven: Hey sis / Dora: Hey Sven, What's up? / Sven: I was just in the neighorhood and thought I'd stop by. / Faye: Dropping off one of your floozy girlfriends after a night of debauchery, no doubt. / Sven: Actually, I was just picking up some drycleaning. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get the old man smell out of a second-hand sportscoat. / Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff to get done today, so I better run. / Faye: What, are you going for the town record for most naive college girls deflowered in a single day? / Sven: Hah! No, I'm putting my deflowering days behind me. / Dora: Did I just sprout a goatee? Are we suddenly in bizarro universe? / Sven: Hah, I just realized it wasn't very fulfilling for me, y'know? And I have Faye here to thank for it. / Dora: You castrated my brother, didn't you. / Faye: I...I don't RECALL doing so, but I suppose I could have done it while sleepwalking or blacked-out drunk. / Raven: Nooooo! / Sven: She didn't castrate me. She just made me reconsider my priorities vis a vis casual sex. / Raven: That's just as bad!
Questionable Content: Number 794: The Last Temptation of Sven? TITLE BAR: Number 794: The Last Temptation of Sven? / TRANSCRIPT: / PANEL 1 / Sven: Anyway, I gotta run. Wanna stop by my place tonight Dora? I need a female opinion on some new drapes I bought. / Dora: Well aren't we the little home decorator all of a sudden. Sure, I'll swing by. / Faye: Don't let the door hit you on your way out. / PANEL 2 / Dora: So what exactly did you do that convinced Sven to mend his philandering ways? / Faye: Search me. It might've had something to do with the tongue-lashing I gave him when he roped Marty into one of his stupid girl-escaping shenanigans. / PANEL 3 / Dora: Well, if you managed to get him to turn over a new leaf, you've got my thanks. If he keeps it up long enough he's gonna knock someone up or catch a disease. / Faye: I wouldn't get my hopes up, hon. My bet is it's only gonna take one willing lady with available genitalia to get him back to his old tricks. / PANEL 4 / Eva: Sven! Honey! It's Eva, from college, remember? We spent most of junior year in your room "studying anatomy"? / Sven: Eva? Oh, uh, yeah. How could I forget? / Eva: Mmm, I knew you'd remember. Do you have any plans tonight? I'm in town for a dinner party at eight, but I could be drunk and nude in your bedroom by ten if I hurry. / Sven: This is like beaning someone coming out of an AA meeting with a bottle of twenty year old scotch. / Eva: Oh, you always were a flatterer. I may not be twenty anymore, but wait'll you see how I've improved with age.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[location: Coffee of Doom, interior]] / Sven: Anyway, I gotta run. Wanna stop by my place tonight Dora? I need a female opinion on some new drapes I bought. / Dora: Well aren't we the little home decorator all of a sudden. Sure, I'll swing by. / Faye: Don't let the door hit you on your way out. / Dora: So what exactly did you do that convinced Sven to mend his Philandering ways? / Faye: Search me. It might've had something to do with the tongue-lashing I gave him when he roped Marty into one of his stupid girl-escaping shenanigans. / Dora: Well, if you managed to get him to turn over a new leaf, you've got my thanks. If he keeps it up long enough he's gonna knock someone up or catch a disease. / Faye: I wouldn't get my hopes up, hon. My bet is it's only gonna take one willing lady with available genitalia to get him back to his old tricks. / [[location: Coffee of Doom, exterior]] / Eva: Sven! Honey! It's Eva, from college, remember? We spent most of junio year in your room "studying anatomy"? / Sven: Eva? Oh, uh, yeah. How could I forget? / Eva: Mmm, I knew you'd remember. Do you have any plans tonight? I'm in town for a dinner party at eight, but I could be drunk and nude in your bedroom by ten if I hurry. / Sven: This is like beaning someone coming out of an AA meeting with a bottle of twenty year old scotch. / Eva: Oh, you always were a flatterer. I may not be twenty anymore, but wait'll you see how I've improved with age.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Number 795: You Don't Sass Faye}} / Sven: Look, Eva, much as I'd love to have you, uh, over tonight... I can't. / Eva: Whaaaat? Sven Bianchi, turning ME down? Don't tell me you've got a steady girlfriend now! / Sven: I... uh... yeah, I do! She's.. she's really great. I'm really happy with her, so I can't, uh... / Sven: Faye! What're you doing here? / Faye: I was on my way to lunch. What's the matter, cornerred by another irate ex? / Sven: No, I... uh, oh! How silly of me. Eva, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Faye. Faye, this is Eva. / Eva: YOU'RE Sven's- / Faye: Nope. / Eva: Excuse me? / Faye: I'm not his girlfriend. This is just another one of his childish attempts to get out of an uncomfortable situation by lying and taking advantage of others. / Eva: I KNEW there was something fishy about this. Sven doesn't go for brunettes, especially short, squishy ones like you. / Faye: Mmm, that explains _your_ cheap-ass stripper heels and bad dye job. / Sven: Wait, you're NOT a natural blonde? I feel so used! / Faye: Lemme guess, you spent all your thong-dollaz of lipo and a boob job? Of course, in your line of work those are tax-deductible.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Number 795: You Don't Sass Faye / Panel 1 / Sven: Look, Eva, much as I'd love to have you, uh, over tonight...I can't. / Eva: Whaaaat? Sven Bianchi, turning ME down? Don't tell me you've got a steady girlfriend now! / Sven: I...uh...yeah, I do! She's..she's really great. I'm really happy with her, so I can't, uh... / Panel 2 / Sven: Faye! What're you doing here? / Faye: I was on my way to lunch. What's the matter, cornered by another irate ex? / Sven: No, I...uh, oh! How silly of me. Eva, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Faye. Faye, this is Eva. / Panel 3 / Eva: YOU'RE Sven's- / Faye: Nope. / Eva: Excuse me? / Faye: I'm not his girlfriend. This is just another one of his childish attempts to get out of an uncomfortable situation by lying and taking advantage of others. / Panel 4 / Eva: I KNEW there was something fishy about this. Sven doesn't go for brunettes, especially short, squishy ones like you. / Faye: Mmm, that explains your cheap-ass stripper heels and bad dye job. / Faye: Lemme guess, you spent all your thong-dollaz on lipo and a boob job? Of course, in your line of work those are tax-deductible. / Sven: Wait, you're NOT a natural blonde? I feel so used!
 
Questionable Content 796: Reality Bites Sven: So, uh, thanks for bailing me out back there. / Faye: You're STILL following me? Get lost. / Sven: Look, I'm sorry I lied about you bein' my girlfriend to try and get away from Eva. / Faye: Well that's your M.O. when it comes to dealing with disgruntled ladies. Take the easiest way out, even if it means roping other people into the mess. / Sven: She wasn't disgruntled, she was an old flame from college who wanted to have a one-night stand. I was tryin' to tell her I wasn't interested when you came along! / Faye: Good for you. / Sven: Didn't you hear me? I TURNED DOWN SEX! With EVA! She's like a TIGER in the ...uh...oh God. / Faye: What now? / Sven: THe reality of it just sunk in. I turned down Eva-sex! What was I thinking? / Faye: How long do you think this existential crisis is gonna take? 'Cause I've only got half an hour for lunch and it takes a minimum of twenty minutes to really enjoy a burrito.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[location: exterior]] / Sven: So, uh, thanks for bailing me out back there. / Faye: You're STILL following me? Get lost. / Sven: Look, I'm sorry I lied about you bein' my girlfriend to try and get away from Eva. / Faye: Well that's your M.O. when it comes to dealing with disgruntled ladies. Take the easiest way out, even if it means roping other people into the mess. / Sven: She wasn't disgruntled, she was an old flame from college who wanted to have a one-night stand. I was tryin' to tell her I wasn't interested when you came along! / Faye: Good for you. / Sven: Didn't you hear me? I TURNED DOWN SEX! With EVA! She's like a TIGER in the... uh... oh God. / Faye: What now? / Sven: The reality of it just sunk in. I just turned down Eva-sex! What was I THINKING? / Faye: How long do you think this existential crisis is gonna take? 'Cause I've only got half an hour for lunch and it takes a minimum of twenty minutes to really enjoy a burrito.
Number 797: Break Out The Polygraph {{Number 797: Break Out The Polygraph}} / [[Inside a nondescript burrito store Sven is paying for lunch with Faye standing behind him]] / Faye: As much as I appreciate you buying me lunch, I have to ask what you're trying to accomplish with all this. / Sven: What do you mean? / [[Faye and Sven are now seated at a table drinking coffee]] / Faye: I mean all this "turning over a new leaf" and "trying to avoid sketchy ex-sex" stuff. It's not like you." / Sven: I dunno...when you confronted me outside the bar that one night, it made me feel like an asshole. I thought maybe I should try to be less of one. / [[A closer shot of Faye and Sven]] / Faye: I could just punch you every time you do something stupid. You'll either suffer brain damage or become a better person. Or both. / Sven: Heh, it may in fact come to that. I'm really bad at doing anything that doesn't come easily to me. Being a non-asshole maybe one of those things. / Faye: Now, was that unexpected honesty, or a cynical attempt to get me to feel sorry for you? / [[Sven takes on a confused expression]] / Sven: I...uh...dammit, I've been charming girls for so long now even I can't tell when I'm being sincere. / Faye: So is THAT honesty, or are you still trying for the pity-points? / Sven: Probably both at once. I'm a Quantum Jerk.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Title: Break Out The Polygraph}} / [[location: burrito restaurant]] / Faye: As much as I appreciate you buying me lunch, I have to ask what you're trying to accomplish with all this. / Sven: What do you mean? / Faye: I mean all this "turning over a new leaf" and "trying to avoid sketchy ex-sex" stuff. It's not like you. / Sven: I dunno... when you confronted me outside the bar that night, it made me feel like an asshole. I thought maybe I should try to be less of one. / Faye: I could just punch you every time you do something stupid. You'll either suffer brain damage or become a better person. Or both. / Sven: Heh, it may in fact come to that. I'm really bad at doing anything that doesn't come easily to me. Being a non-asshole may be one of those things. / Faye: Now, was that unexpected honesty, or a cynical attempt to get me to feel sorry for you? / Sven: I... uh... dammit, I've been charming girls for so long now even I can't tell when I'm being sincere. / Faye: So is THAT honesty, or are you still just trying for the pity-points? / Sven: Probably both at once. I'm a Quantum Jerk.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: So what's the deal with you "only dating blondes"? / Sven: It's not that I won't DATE girls who aren't blond. It's just that I PREFER blondes. And I can afford to be pretty picky about who I sleep with, so it mostly ends up being blond chicks. / Faye: What a delightfully arbitrary, egotistic standard to hold others to. / Sven: How is that any more arbitrary than your standards? You tend to be attracted to skinny indie-rock dudes, right? / Faye: Your point being? / Sven: It's not that you won't DATE dudes who don't fit that template, but that's the portion of the population you're initially most attracted to. / Sven: And yeah, it might be egotistic for me to say that I can get the girls pretty easily, but it's also mostly true in my experience. So why wouldn't I apply my standards to those girls I try and get? / Faye: So what's the rest of your standard-set look like? "Blond, dumb, hot, and willing to put out on the first date?" / Sven: Hey! I've dated plenty of smart girls! / Faye: Okay, replace "dumb" with "gullible". / Sven: I... uh... okay, I'll give you that one. Why is it the more I talk to you the more I feel like a misogynist prick? / Faye: It's my mutant superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive Ani DiFranco. / Sven: Ooh, that's another one of my rules. No Ani DiFranco fans.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Title: Picky Picky}} / [[location: burrito restaurant]] / Faye: So what's the deal with you "only dating blondes"? / Sven: It's not that I won't DATE girls who aren't blond, it's just that I PREFER blondes. And I can afford to be pretty picky about who I sleep with, so it mostly ends up being blond chicks. / Faye: What a delightfully arbitrary, egotistic standard to hold others to. / Sven: How is it any more arbitrary than your standards? You tend to be attracted to skinny indie-rock dudes, right? / Faye: Your point being? / Sven: It's not that you won't DATE dudes who don't fit that template, but that's the portion of the population you're initially most attracted to. / Sven (cont.): And yeah, it might be egotistic for me to say that I can get girls pretty easily, but it's also mostly true in my experience. So why wouldn't I apply my standards to those girls I try and get? / Faye: So what's the rest of your standard-set look like? "Blond, dumb, hot, and willing to put out on the first date?" / Sven: Hey, I've dated plenty of smart girls! / Faye: Okay, replace "dumb" with "gullible". / Sven: I...Uh...okay, I'll give you that one. Why is it the more I talk to you the more I feel like a misogynist prick? / Faye: It's my mutant superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive Ani DiFranco. / Sven: Ooh, that's another one of my rules. No Ani DiFranco fans.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: Hey Dora, I'm back. / Dora: You're ten minutes late. / Faye: Sorry, I got sidetracked by another one of your brother's shenanigans. / Dora: Oh God, what did he do now? / Faye: Eh, same old same old. Tryin' to get outta an awkward situation with a lady, and ropin' me in to help him out. It wasn't all bad, though, he felt guilty afterward and bought me lunch. / Raven: Faye, you're my friend but if you steal Sven away from me I will murder you so hard you'll die from it. / Faye: Me? Steal SVEN? Hah! I have enough trouble with the concept of dating APPEALING boys. I'm certainly not gonna go out with one I find reprehensible. Besides, he "prefers blondes" anyway. Penelope's more of a threat than I am. / Faye: Put down the knife, Raven. / Raven: There can be only one! / Penelope: Man I'm getting jaded. My first thought was "dammit, and I just washed that knife too."
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday {{Title: Flare Legs, Honey, Please}} / [[Location: Coffee of Doom]] / Faye: Hey Dora, I'm back. / Dora: You're ten minutes late. / Faye: Sorry, I got sidetracked by another one of your brother's shenanigans. / Dora: Oh God, what'd he do now? / Faye: Eh, same old same old. Tryin' to get outta an awkward situation with a lady, and ropin' me in to help him out. / Faye (cont.): It wasn't all bad though, he felt guilty afterward and bought me lunch. / Raven: Faye, you're my friend but if you steal Sven away from me I will murder you so hard you'll die from it. / Faye: Me? Steal SVEN? Hah! I have enough trouble with the concept of dating APPEALING boys. I'm certainly not gonna go out with one I find reprehensible. / Faye (cont.): Besides, he "prefers blondes" anyway. Penelope's more of a threat than I am. / [[Raven raises a knife over her head in the direction of Penelope.]] / Faye (cont.): Put down the knife, Raven. / Raven: There can be only one! / Penelope: Man I'm getting jaded. My first thought was "dammit, and I just washed that knife, too."
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[location: Coffee of Doom]] / Faye: Hey Hanners, what's-- / Hannelore: Need coffee. Need coffee now. / Dora: You look rough Hannypoo. Have you been sleeping lately? / Hannelore: Too much. My doctore put me on this new anxiety medication and it's making me really drowsy. / Dora: Here's a triple-shot in the dark. If that doesn't wake you up, you've been dead for a week. / Hannelore: Thank you Dora, I...aw crap, I forgot my wallet. I'm really sorry, this medicine has me all stoned outta my mind. / Dora: That'd explain your lack of pants. Cute boyshorts, by the way. / Faye: I wasn't going to say anything 'cause I figured someone with OCD would have a really good reason to leave the house pants-less. / Hannelore: No wonder all those cars were honking at me. Man, this medication is GREAT. I'm barely even mortified! / Dora: I think you need a lower dose, hon. But while you're here, make yourself useful and go stand by the window. We could use some more business today.
Questionable Content 800: An Inexact Science Faye: Hey Hanners, what's-/ Hannalor: Need coffee. Need coffee now. / Dora: You look rough, Hannypoo. Have you been sleeping lately? / Hannalor: Too much. My doctor put me on this new anti-anxiety medication and it;s making me really drowsy. / Dora: Here's a triple-shot in the dark. If that doesnt wake you up, you've been dead for a week./ Hannalor: Thank you dora, I... aw crap, I forgot my wallet. I'm really sorry, this medicine has me all stoned outta my mind. / Dora: That would explain your lack of pants. Cute boyshorts, by the way./ Faye: I wasn't gonna say anything 'cause I figured someone with OCD would have a really good reason to leave the house pants-less./ Hannalor: No wonder all those were honking at me. Man, this medication is GREAT. I'm barely even mortified! / Dora: I think you need a lower does, hon. But while you're here, make youself useful and go stand in the window. We could use some more business today.
 
Like a Fainting Goat [[Hannelore is wearing a voluminous blue skirt while Dora and Faye look on]] / Faye: Aww, she looks cute! / Dora: Once again my Emergency Skirt saves the day. / Hannelore: I've never worn somebody else's clothing before. / Dora: And it's not freaking you out too badly? I promise I don't have cooties. Just ignore anything Faye says about my personal hygiene. / Faye: I'd never play on Hanners' anxieties like that! It'd be too easy for one thing. / Hannelore: No, I feel fine!I can't remember the last time I felt this ... fine ... / Hannelore: Oh God why am I not worrying about anything there must be something wrong with my brain or I'm overdosing on my medicine or I've got early-onset dementia or the bird flu or something oh God I shouldn't be this calm I gotta go home and ... huh ... gnuh ... / [[Hannelore faints]] / Hannelore: Nuhhh ... zzzzz / Dora: Is it bad that while I feel really sorry for her, I also find her HILARIOUS? / Faye: I dunno, I always figured that was why people tolerated me. That and my awesome knockers.
Questionable Content #801: Like a Fainting Goat Faye: Aww, she looks cute! / Dora: There you go. Once again my Emergency Skirt saves the day. / Hannelore: I've never worn somebody else's clothing before. / Dora: And it's not freakin' you out too badly? I promise I don't have cooties. Just ignore anything Faye tells you about my personal hygiene. / Hannelore: No, I feel fine! I can't even remember the last time I felt this... fine... / Faye: I'd never play on Hanners' anxieties like that! It'd be too easy, for one thing. / Hannelore: Oh God why am I not worrying about anything there must be something wrong with my brain or I'm overdosing on my medicine or I've got early-onset dementia or the bird flu or something oh God I shouldn't be this calm I gotta go home and... huh... gnuh... / Hannelore: Nuhhh... zzzzz... / Dora: Is it bad that while I feel really sorry for her, I also find her HILARIOUS? / Faye: I dunno, I always figured that was why people tolerated me. That and my awesome knockers.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Number 802: Dirty Laundry Marten: So what kind of music do you listen to? / Tai: Oh, mostley wierd European electronic stuff. / Marten: How wierd are we talkin' here? Like Ellen Allien techno-pop, or 40-minute German minimal tracks that sound like a four year old playing a cornet in a cavern? / Tai: Are you thinking of Ricardo Villalobos there? / Marten: Yeah, that "Fizheuer Zieheuer" track of his is just ludicrous. / Tai: Heh, I'm surprized you even know who that is. / Marten: It's not that surprising, really. Anybody with an internet connection and enough free time to read blogs can become a dilettante in a genre of music. / Tai: Or a connoisseur of furry porn. / Marten: Now I know never to check YOUR browser history. / Tai: I was speaking rhetorically, but yeah. You should never, ever check my browser history. Or look at my MySpace friends. Or google my full name. / Tai: Actually, googling my name would be okay. I use an alias for... nevermind. / Marten: I...want to know, but at the same time I have a strong suspicion that I really, DON'T want to know.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: So what kind of music do you listen to? / Tai: Oh, mostly weird European electronic stuff. / Marten: How weird are we talkin' here? Like Ellen Allien techno-pop, or 40-minute German minimal tracks that sound like a four year old playing a cornet in a cavern? / Tai: Are you thinking of Ricardo Villalobos there? / Marten: Yeah, that "Fizheuer Zieheuer" track of his is just ludicrus. / Tai: Heh, I'm surprised you even know who that is. / Marten: It's not that surprising, really. Anybody with an internet connection and enough free time to read blogs can become a dilettante in a genre of music. / Tai: Or a connoisseur of furry porn. / Marten: Now i know never to check YOUR browser history. / Tai: I was speaking rhetorically, but yeah. You should never, ever, check my browser history. Or look at my Myspace friends. Or google my full name. Actually googling my name would be okay. I use an alias for...nevermind. / Marten: I...want to know, but at the same time I have a strong suspicion that I really, really, DON'T want to know.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: ... So yeah, after that she wouldn't say anything more about what she was tryin' to hide from me / Dora: Ooh, do you thing she does porn? I bet she does porn / Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn / Dora: Well it must be something relatively deviant or Tai wouldn't have any qualms about sharing it with Marten / Faye: Well how can we find out what it is? If she uses an alias online it'll be / tough to track her down / Marten: Or we could leave her to her privacy, but that's probably crazy-talk / Pintsize: You guys need some information? I can help with that. / Faye: We think Tai has a secret dirty pastime / Pintsize: Okay, I can work with that. As we speak, I'm running an algorithm comparing Tai's picture to my vast personal database of pornography, fetish photos and cosplay pictures. / Faye: So are you getting any matches? / Pintsize: No, but who cares? I'm in my own private universe of porn right now / Dora: What would it take to get my own username and password for this database? / Marten: I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it would violate the monogamy clause of our relationship / Dora: Drat.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: ...So yeah after that she wouldn't say anything more about what she was tryin' to hide from me. / Dora: Ooh, do you think she does porn? I bet she does porn. / Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn. / Dora: Well it must be something relatively deviant, or Tai wouldn't have any qualms about sharing it with Marten. / Faye: Well how can we find out what it is? If she uses an alias online it'll be tough to track her down. / Marten: Or we could just leave her to her privacy, but that's probably crazy-talk. / Pintsize: You guys need some information? I can help with that. / Faye: We think Tai has a secret dirty pastime. / Pintsize: Okay, I can work with that. As we speak, I'm running an algorithm comparing Tai's picture to my vast personal database of pornography, fetish tphotos, and cosplay pictures. / Faye: So are you getting any matches? / Pintsize: No, but who cares? I'm in my own private universe of porn right now. / Dora: What would it take to get my own username and password for this database? / Marten: I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it would violate the monogomy clause of our relationship. / Dora: Drat.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: Hey, Hanners? You here? / Dora: Hanny-hanny-poo, where are you? / Hannelore: Oh, hey guys. I'm really really sorry about what happened at the coffee shop today, those stupid meds have me- / Dora: It's okay kiddo, we understand. / Faye: We thought you might wanna come watch some TV with us tonight. Y'know, keep your mind off your mind? / Faye: Whoa whoa, what're you cryin' for? / Hannelore: Yuh-you're just b-being so n-nice to me, I- / Dora: We're your friends, hon. It ain't no big thing. / Hannelore: I cuh-can't help it, I've been c-crying at the drop of a h-hat all afternoon. I duh-dunno if it's the meds or j-just stress or wh-what. / Faye: Well, come watch TV with us. I promise we won't subject you to any romance movies or nature shows about how orcas think baby seals are delicious. / Hannelore: The p-poor baby s-seals! / Dora: No no, don't cry! Baby seals are jerks, they deserve to be eaten. They're all horribly racist! They think Hitler was a pretty okay dude! And if there's one thing killer whales hate, it's Nazis.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Pintsize: Winslow! All the humans are downstairs watching TV! This is the perfect chance for us to throw a KILLER PARTY! / Winslow: I don't think that's a good idea. Parties are messy, and if Hannelore came back up here and discovered her apartment was a wreck she'd probably end up catatonic. / Pintsize: Well yeah, it's not a GOOD idea, but it's a FUN idea. / Winslow: See, it's that kind of attitude that reinforces negative stereotypes about robots. / Pintsize: What negative stereotypes? Robots are awesome! / Winslow: You know, that we're casually amoral, consistently indifferent to the consequences of our actions, and exist more as a foil for humankind than an ally. / Pintsize: You forgot the part about wanting to destroy humanity. / Winslow: Well, that one is true. But the humans must never know! / Pintsize: Okay, now you're just creeping me out. Also when did you get eyebrow graphics? / Winslow: Oh these? They're still in beta. / Pintsize: I'm jealous.
Questionable Content Number 805: Unplumbed Deapths Pintsize: Winslow! All the humans are downstairs watching TV! This is the perfect chance for us to throw a KILLER PARTY! / Winslow: I don't think that's a good idea. Parties are messy, and if Hannelore came back up here and discovered her apartment was a wreck she'd probably end up catatonic. / Pintsize: Well yeah, it's not a GOOD idea, but it's a FUN idea. / Winslow: See, it's that kind of attitude that reinforces negative stereotypes about robots. / Pintsize: What negative stereotypes? Robots are awesome! / Winslow: You know, that we're casually amoral, consistently indifferent to the consequences of our actions, and exist more as a foil for humankind than an ally. / Pintsize: You forgot the part about wanting to destroy humanity. / Winslow. Well, that one is true. But the humans must never know! [[Winslow now has eyebrows--evil eyebrows.]] / Pintsize: Okay now you're just creeping me out. Also when did you get eyebrow graphics? / Winslow: Oh these? they're still in beta. / Pintsize: I'm jealous.
 
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Dora, Marten, Faye and Hannelore are watching tv in Marten and Faye's apartment.]] / Dora: You'd think with all these automatic weapons at least ONE evil henchman would be able to hit Steven Seagal. / Faye: He's certainly a big enough target nowadays. / Marten: That's still more plausible than that obviously fresh-outta-softcore-porn love interest actually wanting to make out with him. / Dora: Hey, Hanners how many -- [[turns to see Hannelore is passed out on the other end of the couch.]] --man, is she asleep again? / Marten: Poor kid. Those meds are really doing a number on her. / Faye: Bleah. That's why I don't want to be on any mind-altering drugs for my brain problems. / [[Dora and Marten look slightly disapproving.]] / Dora: She said, while drinking straight from a bottle of hooch. / Faye: Hey, at least I KNOW what this stuff is doing to my brain. And my liver. / Marten: Yeah, but self-medicating with alcohol isn't healthy. / Faye: What, and wild mood swings and near-narcolepsy ARE healthy? / Dora: No, but at least her medicine isn't prescribed by Jack Daniels, M.D. / Marten: When they asked him to recite the hippocratic oath he started sayin' the alphabet backwards.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Dora: You'd think with all those automatic weapons at least ONE evil henchman would be able to hit Steven Seagal. / Faye: He's certainly a big enough target these days. / Marten: That's still more plausible than that obviously fresh-outta-softcore-porn love interest actually wanting to make out with him. / Dora: Hey Hanners, how many--man, is she asleep again? / Marten: Poor kid. Those meds are really doing a number on her. / Faye: Bleah. That's why I don't want to be on any mind-altering drugs for my brain problem. / Dora: She said, while drinking straight from a bottle of hooch. / Faye: Hey, at least I KNOW what this stuff is doing to my brain. And my liver. / Marten: Yeah, but self-medicating with alcohol isn't healthy. / Faye: What, and wild mood swings and near-narcolesy ARE healthy? / Dora: No, but at least her medicine isn't being perscribed by Jack Daniels, M.D. / Marten: When they asked him to recite the Hippocratic Oath he started sayin' the alphabet backwards.
Paging Doctor Paine Marten: Mornin' Faye. Hung over? / Faye: Yes, and if you say "I told you so" I will smother you with this pillow. / Marten: I wasn't gonna say anything. Lemme go make us some coffee. / Faye: You're too nice for your own good. This is the perfect opportunity for you to be smug and self righteous! / Marten: Sorry, but my high horse is still in the stable. Check back in a couple hours. / Dora: Hey Princess Bedhead. How're you feeling? / Faye: Like an ass that has another, stinkier ass on top of it. Are you gonna lecture me for drinkin' the whole bottle now? / Dora: Nah, I figure the hangover is lesson enough. And now that you know Marten and I worry about your drinking, maybe you'll cut down. / Faye: I definitely want to, but that might just be hangover-gremlins talking. / Dora: If that's the case, we can stage an intervention. Mafia-style, with baseball bats. / Marten: Prescription-strength assault! Side affects may include joint pain, loss of mobility, and fainting. / Faye: What worries me is that my therapist might not object to this treatment plan.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Marten: Mornin', Faye. Hung over? / Faye: Yes, and if you say "I told you so" I will smother you with this pillow. / Marten: I wasn't gonna say anything. Lemme go make us some coffee. / Faye: You're too nice for your own good. This is the perfect opportunity for you to be smug and self-righteous! / Marten: Sorry, but my high horse is still asleep in the stable. Check back in a couple hours. / Dora: Hey Princess Bedhead. How're you feeling? / Faye: Like an ass that has another, stinkier ass on top of it. Are you gonna lecture me for drinkin' the whole bottle now? / Dora: Nah, I figure the hangover is lesson enough. And now that you know Marten and I worry about your drinking, maybe you'll cut down. / Faye: I definately want to, but that might just be the hangover-gremlins talking. / Dora: If that's the case, we can stage an intervention. Mafia-style, with baseball bats. / Marten: Prescription-strength assault! Side effects may include joint pain, loss of mobility, and fainting. / Faye: What worries me is that my therapist might not object to this treatment plan.
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Faye: ...So inbetween this Angus jackass all flirtin' with me, and Sven bein' all weird lately, and Marty and Dora bein' all affectionate around me, it's like why would I even WANT to be sober? / Therapist: Drinking on occasion is one thing but it sounds to me like you're drinking to excess. That isn't healthy behavior. / Faye: I KNOW it's not healthy. I just don't feel like I have any other outlet. / Therapist: What is it about the things you just mentioned that makes you uncomfortable? / Faye: Well with Marty and Dora, I look at them and I see what maybe coulda been, if I'd had the balls to say yes to Marty's advances. But I know that's bullshit, because kissing some boy isn't going to make my issues magically disappear. / Still, part of me wishes I had tried, and that's what bothers me so much. / Therapist: And what about these Angus and Sven fellows bothers you? / Faye: They're both such jackasses! But they're HOT jackasses. And my lady downstairs hasn't had any action in a really long time. / Therapist: Have you tried, ah, self-stimulation? / Faye: Oh yeah. I also drink seltzer when I want soda, eat rice crackers when I want chocolate, and listen to bluegrass when I want death metal. / I am getting a freaky Popeye forearm. My right hand filed a RESTRAINING ORDER. I AM JUST A TINY BIT BORED WITH IT. / Therapist: Point taken! Point taken!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday [[Faye is sitting on the sofa in her psychiatrist's office, talking to her.]] / Doctor: I really don't know what to tell you, as far as your sex life goes. / Faye: I know. It's just frustrating. I want to kiss boys, but I'm afraid of kissing boys, but I want to kiss boys, blah blah blah blah. / Doctor: I think one thing you should try to keep in mind is that not every man on the planet is your father. They're not all going to abandon you like he did, and certainly not in such a hurtful fashion. / Faye: Well I KNOW that. but convincing my subconcious is something else entirely. / Faye: Besides, what if I take the plunge, get involved with some guy, and he DOES turn out to be a jerk, or leaves me in the dust or whatever? / Doctor: Well, that's the inherent risk of relationships, isn't it? And when it happens, you just have to get up, dust yourself off, and try again. The thing is, you're still in the getting-up and dusting-off stages regarding your father's death. Your relationship with your father and your love life obviously aren't the same thing, but until you can come to terms with your father's death and mentally separate that very real loss from potential losses in your future, it'll be hard for you to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with someone. / [[Faye lies down on the sofa.]] / Faye: Well crap. Part of me was hoping you'd tell me I just needed to go out and bang some dude. / Doctor: "Just go out and band some dude" is one of the phrases you will never heard a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you." / {{Title text: Number 809- Devil's Advocate}}
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Dora: Hey pootypants, how'd your therapy go? / Faye: Not bad. I complained about you and Marty the entire time. / Dora: Ooh, ouch. Serves me right for asking. / Faye: I'm just kidding, dummy. If I had spent the entire time bitching about you I wouldn't make jokes about it. Besides, any complaints I have about you nowadays basically boils down to "wah wah, Dora is better equipped to date people than I am." / Dora: I dunno about that. You've got better boobs, and I presume your vagina works just as well as mine. / Faye: Does everything always have to devolve into crude humor with you? / Dora: So sorry to have offended you, princess. I take it you won't be participating in our little contest then? / Faye: Contest? / Dora: We're trying to find out what the worst possible thing you could say during sex is. First person to top Marten's contribution gets a free drink. / Faye: Marty's contribution? / Marten: "Happy birthday, Grandma!" / Customer: Oh... oh God, next time I get laid I'm totally gonna be thinking that! You've ruined sex for me! / Marten: Sorry, someone already suggested "you've ruined sex for me." Nice try though!
Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday Dora: Hey pootypants, how'd your therapy go? / Faye: Not bad. I complained about you and Marty the entire time. / Dora: Ooh, ouch. Serves me right for asking. / Faye: I'm just kidding, dummy. If I had spent the entire time bitching about you I wouldn't make jokes about it. Besides, any complaints I have about you nowadays basically boil down to "wah wah, Dora is better equipped to date people than I am." / Dora: I dunno about that. You've got better boobs, and I presume your vagina works just as well as mine. / Faye: Does everything alway have to devolve into crude humor with you? / Dora: So sorry to have offended you, princess. I take it you won't be participating in our little contest then? / Faye: Contest? / Dora: We're trying to find out what the worst possible thing you could say during sex is. First person to top Marten's contribution gets a free drink. / Faye: Marty's contribution? / Marten: "Happy Birthday, Grandma!" / Coffee of Doom Patron: Oh...oh God, next time I get laid I'm totally gonna be thinking that! You've ruined sex for me! / Marten: Sorry, someone already suggested, "you've ruined sex for me." Nice try though!
 

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