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Audubon's Cat: Welcome to the first all-taxidermy family restaurant chain! / Cat: You'll leave stuffed! / <> / Girl: First cryogenics, and now this? / Cat: Our soup of the day is a Jackalope bisque. / Girl: Can't you find a hobby that hasn't been made obsolete by tupperware? / Cat: There is NOTHING obsolete about taxidermy! / [[Cat counts off points on his fingers.]] / Cat: It's meaningful! It's practical! It's the post-mortem choice of the world's great men! / Cat: Lenin! Mao! Bullwinkle! / Cat: You should see Gerald Ford atop the Capitol building! / Cat: Upright, with his teeth bared. / Cat: Their pigeon problems are OVER.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=656
The Steve and Eydie of Socialist Cuba [[Cat wears a party hat.]] / [[He looks down at the cake he is holding.]] / Cat: He's not coming. / Girl: Castro missed his birthday party? / [[Cat holds up a Che tee shirt.]] / Cat: I made him a present! / Cat: You never see Fidel Castro tee shirts. / Girl: Nobody likes a winner. / Girl: When you die fighting for an ideology, you never have to implement it. / Girl: Winners live, so they compromise. And it taints them. / Girl: Losers get the easy job - dying beautiful and young. / Girl: Leaving the survivors to compromise their integrity with novelty tee shirts. / [[Cat looks at Che.]] / [[He holds up a "Jesus is my Homeboy" shirt.]] / [[He holds up a shirt with a picture of Al Gore on it.]] / Cat: Candles in the wind...
http://catandgirl.com/?p=658
Working for the Peanut Cat: Formal? / [[Cat wears a top hat and monocle and carries a cane.]] / Cat: I'm dressed formal! / <> / [[Cat looks sadly at the closed door. He is dressed as Mr. Peanut.]] / Cat: Not rich enough for the Millionaire's Club. / Cat: Classy my ass-y. / Girl: We don't need them! / Girl: We're rich in life. / Cat: And imaginary money. / Cat: I'm so rich I light my cigars with burning mansions. / Girl: I'm so rich I vote for politicians who endorse policies that will make me richer! / Girl: I'm so rich I brush my teeth with bottles of champagne. / Cat: I'm so rich I fill my pool with high-performance gasoline. / Girl: I'm so rich I take a limousine to the bus stop. / Cat: I'm so rich I take an ambulance!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=660
The Bleak Parade Boy: I can't sleep - I see my peers march in step with the company men, the soccer moms, the desperate housewives - / Boy: The column of kids with "My Chemical Romance" written in ballpoint pen on their Converse and the column of girls whose pants say "Juicy" on the butt. / Girl: In our capitalist society we can define ourselves by what we buy or we can reconcile ourselves to invisibility. / [[Boy begins to fade away.]] / [[Boy continues fading.]] / Girl: And rebellion's a joke to sell black shirts and Manic Panic. / [[Boy reappears.]] / Boy: All rebellion defined by consumption, all consumption defined by mass production, all mass production defined by conformity - / Girl: Ding! / Girl: Strummer's Law! / Girl: Any rebellion against external conformity just REINFORCES internal conformity. Strummer's Law! / Boy: And every rebellion ends in sell-outs, compromise and let-downs? / Girl: Mick Jones' Law.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=662
Hungry for Hamburgers [[Cat eats a hamburger.]] / [[He is floating in an inner tube in a swimming pool, surrounded by hamburgers.]] / [[Girl approaches the pool.]] / Girl: Where did you get so many hamburgers? / Cat: The stockholders. / Girl: The WHAT? / Cat: And the employee pension plans. / Girl: You're a white collar hamburgler! / Cat: If that's what you want to call it. / Girl: You'll pay for this! / Cat: Oh, I don't think so. Right - Mayor McCheese? / [[Mayor McCheese stands in Cat's swimming pool about to eat a hamburger.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=664
 
The Day the Flowers Cried [[Cat stands.]] / Girl: Don't jump! / Cat: I'm broke! I'm jumping! / Girl: What happened to your money? / Cat: I invested it in real estate on Omega 3. / Girl: Omega 3 is a polyunsaturated fatty acid. / Cat: And now I'm broke! / Girl: But life has so much to offer someone with your strength and/or hubris! / Cat: Strength? / Girl: Yes! Sure! / Cat: I AM strong! / Girl: Yes! / Cat: I'm UNSTOPPABLE! / Girl: OK! / [[Cat is standing on a chair. Girl and Grrrl are standing right by him.]] / Cat: Unstoppable! / Girl: Can we have the chair back now? / [[Unstoppable. Princess Diana's head and the twin towers of the World Trade Center on the Titanic in front of the American flag.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=666
One Theology of Cheap Beer [[Girl and the Beatnik Vampire sit at a bar. The Vampire wears sunglasses and a Pac-Man shirt. Girl looks through a book.]] / <> / Girl: Rabbit Redux was published in 1971. / Vampire: So? / Girl: So when Harry Angstrom and his father go to the bar, Harry orders a Daiquiri and his father orders a Schlitz. / Vampire: So? / Girl: So the working class signifiers you adopt were obsolete in 1971! / [[The Beatnik Vampire looks down at his can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.]] / Vampire: Daiquiris are kind of fruity. / Girl: You could spend a thousand and one nights patrolling the bars of Brooklyn and not see one person ironically drinking wine coolers! / Girl: Stare into a field of trucker hats and find me one oversized Tweety sweatshirt or pair of stirrup pants! There's a cachet to obsolete working class culture ONLY when it's MALE. / Girl: And then there's the retroactive cool of Transformers and Atari - a cool simply NOT EXTENDED to Miss America or Strawberry Shortcake or "the Cutting Edge." / Vampire: So you want a Daiquiri. / Girl: No! / Girl: I want to talk about who would win in a race if they weren't extinct, a Triceratops or Princess Diana. / Vampire: They're driving monster trucks? / Girl: Of course.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=668
What's Your Favorite Christmas Song? Beatnik Vampire: Christmas Shoes is a stunning parable of the failure of American health care. / Girl: Feliz Navidad! / Cat: Pfft. / Cat: Latin pop is a dead language. / Boy: Dominick! Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey! / Grrrl: I make up my own words to the Law and Order theme. Bah bah! Winter solstice time! / Zombie: The song where Bing Crosby is coming home for Christmas if has to rise from the grave to do it. / Zombie: Yeah! / Cat: Christmas at the Zoo. / Girl: Pft. / Girl: Indie rock is a dead language.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=670
Two Turtledoves [[Two stockings hang on a fireplace.]] / [[The star on top of the Christmas tree shines.]] / [Cat sits, angry, surrounded by presents.]] / Girl: What did you get? / Cat: Nothing. / Girl: Nothing? / Cat: Nothing I wanted. / Girl: What did you ask for? / Cat: Dignity. / Cat: Morality. A purpose. / Girl: Morality! / Girl: Morality is self-interest in a wig and fancy sunglasses. / [[Cat and Girl look at each other.]] / [[Cat looks in a box.]] / Cat: Ooh! / [[Cat and Girl are dressed up in wigs and sunglasses.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=672
The Hook [[Girl reads a book while sitting in front of the television set.]] / [[She looks at the television.]] / <> / TV: could be MAKING MONEY from NAKED PHOTOS of YOUR PETS / <> / [[Girl holds her head in her hand.]] / Girl: Eenie Meenie / <> / Cat: Look sharp! / [[Cat is dressed in Ukranian folk clothing.]] / Girl: But - / Cat: We're going Ukrainian FOLK dancing! / Girl: But - but - folk culture is a backward-looking luxury of the middle class! / Cat: Did you hear about the little girl who waited for an authentic experience of folk culture? / Girl: No. / Cat: Bugs ATE through her SKULL and she DIED. / Girl: That's just an urban legend.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=674
 
Brave Old World Grrrl: All this hope and belief / Grrrl: The eager acceptance of a beneficent authority / Grrrl: Of the possibility that there can BE such a thing as BENEFICENT AUTHORITY. / Grrrl: Is a strongman OK if he's OUR strongman? Even I almost want to say yes. / [[Grrrl enters a diner.]] / Grrrl: I don't understand this new world and I don't know if it has any place for me. / [[Bad Decision Dinosaur waves his hand excitedly from a booth.]] / <> / [[Grrrl approaches and Bad Decision Dinosaur pats the seat next to him.]] / [[Grrrl sits down.]] / [[Bad Decision Dinosaur talks about a prehistoric world full of dinosaurs. Grrrl looks worried.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=676
Getting lost is what maps are for [[Girl is wearing a big backpack and holding a map. A man dressed like a viking talks to her.]] / Viking: Tourist. / Girl: Tourist? Yes, I am a tourist. / Girl: Do I wander form the safety of my own life's narrow limits? / Girl: Do I seek the unknown, unashamed that I do not yet know it? / Girl: YES I am a TOURIST. / Girl: Do I communicate poorly? I am trying my best. Do I look foolish to you? I have forsaken cool to seek experience. / Girl: Yes. I am a tourist. / Viking: Backpacker. / Girl: Shut up!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=680
What's for breakfast? [[Girl is reading a newspaper and drinking coffee at the kitchen table. Cat comes in in his pajamas.]] / Cat: What's for breakfast? / Girl: What's the meaning of life? / Girl: How much of our time is spent pondering that, and how much is spent with those mundane questions that coalesce into a life? / Girl: What's for breakfast? / Girl: Not - Who am I? Can I change? But real questions, questions with results - questions with answers. / Girl: What's for breakfast? / Cat: Forget breakfast. It's almost time for lunch.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=682
In Vain [[Cat wears a shirt and tie and waves a tiny American flag.]] / Cat: America is a Christian nation! / Girl: Where does that come from? / Cat: I read it on a bumper sticker. / Girl: Was it the Cold War? Capitalist America underlining its ideological differences with godles communism? / Cat: Love it or leave it. / Girl: That WOULD be when Eisenhower added "Under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance. / Cat: These colors don't run! / Girl: What's a Christian nation to do once its godless counterpart is gone? / [[Cat waves two flags.]] / Cat: Osama yo mama! / Girl: Jesus Christ.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=685
They Recruit [[Cat is dressed in a hat and scarf. Two other anthropomorphic cats are yelling at him.]] / Pie Cat: Loser! / Polo Cat: Weirdo! / Polo Cat: Failure! / Cat: Pffft. / Cat: They don't hate me for me. / Cat: They just hate me for who I love. / Cat: Me! / [[Cat thinks.]] / Cat: So what is it OKAY to love? / Girl: Money. / Cat: Money! / Cat: Property. Status. / Girl: And success. / Cat: SUCCESS! / Girl: The comforts of certainty and banality! / Cat: Homownersexuality.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=687
 
Grrrl versus Good Times [[Grrrl, in armor on a horse, points her sword towards the side. A medieval crowd has gathered around her. In the distance is a dark castle on a hill.]] / Grrrl: Given a reality closely resembling some romantic ideal - / [[Grrrl and the horse fly through the sky to the top of the castle. A rainbow has formed behind them.]] / Grrrl: Is it our duty to live the beauty of these collective daydreams? / [[Grrrl, now in rags with a wooden sword, cowers while tall, dark soldiers approach her wth axes.]] / Grrrl: Or is our duty to the ground below - to deconstruct the imaginary heights on which we stand? / [[Grrrl, in her normal clothes, stands on a cardboard box in an alley. Garbage cans and laundry lines fill in the space around her.]] / Girl: You're standing on a cardboard box. / Grrrl: Don't change the subject!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=689
Those Were the Days [[Cat sips his milkshake.]] / <> / <> / Cat: The end of a milkshake. / Cat: The saddest sound in the world. / [[Girl looks through her book.]] / [[Girl holds out her book, pointing to a page that says "proof.]] / Girl: The saddest sound in the world is the song of the obsolete robot. / Girl: Listen... / [[A bar. A robot in a plaid shirt, army jacket and knit cap holds up his can of beer and sings along with the jukebox.]] / Jukebox and Robot: heyeah I oh I'm still alive / [[At the bar is an old desktop computer, cigarette dangling from his monitor, empty beer cans all around him.]] / Computer: <> I've wasted my youth!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=691
Ahoy [[Girl looks up form her book. A shadow is lurking.]] / [[A shadow with a sword.]] / Girl: Pirates! / [[It's Cat, dressed as a Pirate. Girl hides behind the couch.]] / Cat: Where? / Girl: You! / Cat: Me? / [[Girl holds out a mirror to Cat.]] / Girl: Your clothes! / Cat: Can't a fellow be stylish once in a while? / Girl: That jacket!?! / Cat: Someone hasn't seen Ralph Lauren's new Howard Pyle collection. / Girl: The bandana. / Cat: I was doing yard work! / Girl: The eyepatch? / Cat: That is the first and last time I try contact lenses. / [[Girl just stares at him.]] / [[Cat is carrying a large Jolly Roger flag.]] / Cat: It's Osteoporosis Awareness Month!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=693
Everywhere [[Cat wanders through the hallway and looks at an umbrella stand.]] / Cat: Croquet mallet. / [[Cat turns a cardboard box inside out.]] / Cat: Croquet mallet. / Cat: Tennis Racquet? / [[Cat looks in the kitchen cabinets.]] / Cat: Croquet mallet. / [[Cat checks the refrigerator.]] / Cat: Croquet mallet. / [[Cat approaches a door.]] / Cat: Croquet mallet. / [[Cat opens the door. Inside is Google.]] / [[Cat slams the door shut.]] / [[He looks around, nervous.]] / [[He holds up his tennis racquet.]] / Cat: I can tenderize meat with this.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=696
Word Association Girl: Clouds. / Cat: Rain. / Girl: Sunshine. / Cat: Picnics. / Girl: Advertising. / Cat: Capitalism. / Girl: Naked ladies. / Cat: Sexy! / Girl: Ladies who get naked for money. / Cat: Capitalists! / Girl: Ladies who get naked for no money. / Cat: Artists! / Girl: Ladies who get naked and somebody ELSE gets the money SUCKERS! / [[Girl tosses her index cards into the air.]] / [[Cat hands them back.]] / Girl: Feminists. / Cat: Humorless. / Girl: Suicide. / Cat: Double sexy!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=698
 
Twenty-five to Life [[Cat is wearing a shirt and tie, a peace armband and a snorkel.]] / [[Girl walks up to him.]] / Cat: I'm on vacation. / Girl: You don't have a job! / Cat: A vacation from CONTEXT. / Girl: You can't escape context! / Cat: Says you. / Girl: Alter it, maybe - / Cat: Says you. / [[Cat hums.]] / Previously / [[Outside a prison. A tall stone wall. A searchlight cuts through the night. Outside the wall - a hole in the ground and a shovel. Cat, dressed in prison stripes, is running away.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=700
Lonely Planets [[Cat and Girl stand on a mountain wearing large backpacks.]] / Girl: Travel is ABSURD. / [[Girl is in a desert.]] / Girl: Exchanging the status markers of "So what do you do?" for "How long are you traveling?" and "How small is your pack?" / [[They stand in front of the Eiffel tower. Cat is wearing a striped shirt and a beret.]] / Girl: Disdaining international icons as tourist traps and then visiting them anyway. / [[They stand in front of the Forbidden City. Cat wears a Mao jacket.]] / Girl: Crashing into bold new places still trapped in our bubbles of culture, language, habit. / Girl: Searching for REALITY - a quality that proves easier to find the less we understand of what we observe. / Girl: TRAVEL! In what other endeavor would we spend so much effort and money in a vain hunt for authenticity? / Cat: Rock music.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=702
Waking Up is the Hardest Part [[Cat is Asleep.]] / <> / Cat: Grumble / Strawberry Alarm Clock / [[A cannon.]] / <> / <> / Banana Phone / <> / [[The cannon fires.]] / <> / <> / <> / Apple Computer / <> / [[Cat's bedroom is exploding in sound. He puts a pillow over his face.]] / Potato Clock / <> / [[A pineapple bounces off of the pillow on Cat's face.]] / [[Cat looks up.]] / [[He yawns.]] / Pineapple Cannon
http://catandgirl.com/?p=704
Guess Who Cat: Guess what I did! / [[Cat holds a rabbit.]] / Girl: You bought a rabbit. / Cat: Poo. / [[Cat goes away, leaving Girl to her reading.]] / [[Cat is wearing an apron and carrying a spoon.]] / Cat: Now guess what I did! / Girl: You baked a cake. / Cat: Poo. / [[Cat leaves.]] / [[Cat reappears in a military uniform.]] / Cat: Guess what I did! / Girl: You joined the French Foreign Legion? / Cat: Merde.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=706
Teenage Poetry (Don't Do It) [[Cat and Girl are in a cave. Cat is dressed like a pirate and holding a treasure chest.]] / Girl: What's that you've got? / Girl: Software? Pieces of eight? / Cat: You are looking at eight ounces of pure self-pity. / Cat: Do you know how much this goes for on ebay? / Girl: You're a pity pirate. / Cat: Precisely. / Girl: Do internet people really need more self-pity? / Cat: There's no such thing as too much self-pity! / Girl: Refreshing myspace and sighing. Taking solemn pictures of themselves in the mirror in the dark. / Cat: There is such a thing as too much self-pity!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=708
 
Cat and Girl's Spooky Costume Hut Cat and Girl's Spooky Costume Hut / Make this year an extra-flammable one! / Located across from Channukah Fantasia! on rt 347 in the men's room of the abandoned Caldor's / Cat: I love you. / Girl: You don't love me. / Girl: You love the mask I put on for the world. / Cat: I love you. / Girl: But when we wear a mask - / Girl: don't we inevitably become it? / Cat: I love you. / Girl: And what is left behind the mask? / Girl: Or is it just the mask itself, repeating into infinity? / [[Cat and Girl take their masks off, revealing...]] / [[Akbar and Jeff.]] / [[Akbar and Jeff skip along holding hands.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=710
I'm a not-dead Thomas Edison Cat: Ready? / Cat: Ready to see genius at work? Ready to watch me get filthy rich? Are you ready? / [[Cat holds his hands behind his back.]] / [[Cat reveals his invention.]] / Girl: What is it? / Girl: No, wait wait wait - / Girl: When we name a thing we rob it of its ambiguity - / [[Girl thinks.]] / [[Girl thinks.]] / [[Girl thinks.]] / Girl: What is it? / Cat: An octopus glove!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=712
History [[Girl and Boy stand at a bus stop.]] / Girl: A legacy of white male appropriation and exploitation. / Boy: I don't know what's more embarrassing - that the lyrics are accepted as sincere or that the music is accepted as authentic. / Girl: Custer! Columbus! Nixon and Thurmond and Rockefeller! / Girl: Lyrics? / Boy: John Mayer! George Thoroughgood! Jack Johnson!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=716
All Aboard the S. S. Metaphor [[Cat and Girl stand on the deck of a steamship looking down at the water below. The ship is called the S.S. Metaphor.]] / [[Ominous clouds fill the sky.]] / <> / [[Cat holds an Uncle Sam-style starred and striped top hat.]] / Cat: I shouldn't have brought this hat.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=718
Rapunzel Girl: The good woman is a victim - / [[Rapunzel in a tower.]] / Girl: Her role is to practice screaming and wait to be saved. / Cat: Well don't wait for me. / Girl: Exactly! / Cat: My laundry's almost done. / Girl: The legitimacy of modern societies rest in part on their protection of victim's rights - justice. / Girl: And when the state calls justice its own, the subjects of the state can abdicate personal responsibility. / Cat: You leave it in the machine and it starts to smell. / Girl: If a lady were to present a glove to her champion, the champion's only responsibility is to return the glove to the lost and found. / Cat: Then you just have to do laundry again. / Girl: And we're just left up there - screaming. / [[A knight in armor approaches Rapunzel's tower.]] / Knight: Should somebody call the fire department? / {{Or: Feminism's supposed victory in mainstream society has allowed men to abandon their role as "champion" while continuing to tell women they can attract attention by playing the role of "victim"
http://catandgirl.com/?p=720
 

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