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| Famous Lady Victims | Famous Lady Victims / [[Girl is in a classroom reading "Famous Lady Victims."]]
/ Girl: Next year I am bringing my own textbooks. / Joan of Arc. Helped win major victories for the French in the Hundred Years War, but died for it, which is okay and sort of glamorous.
/ [[Joan, in armor, considers the "Martyrdom Combo with Fries."]] / Sylvia Plath. Stuck her head in an oven, legitimizing "The Bell Jar."
/ [[Sylvia, holding a ham, considers her open oven.]] / Marie Curie. Discovered Radium, but died from it, which is okay and sort of glamorous.
/ [[Marie Curie holds a package of X-Ray Spex with tongs.]] / Marilyn Monroe. Actress and icon who got out of the game before becoming Faye Dunaway. / Susan B. Anthony. Leader in the fight for women's suffrage. Currently imprisoned in the dollar coin.
/ [[A Susan B. Anthony dollar floats through space, screaming.]] / Virginia Woolf. Star of "Moulin Rouge" and "Days of Thunder" who wrote "A Room of Ones' Own" before drowning herself in Tom Cruise's eyes.
/ [[An empty beach. A sign says "No Lifeguard."]] / Mary Shelley. Feminist, novelist, free thinker. Destroyed by her own monster.
/ [[Frankenstein carries a torch.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=722 |
| Aloha | Cat: Aloha! Welcome to America! / Cat: Here's your Hard Rock Cafe tee shirt and a tub of margarine.
/ Girl: That's not America! / Cat: Then what is?
/ Girl: Freedom! And butter! / Girl: In a land of ethnic diversity, national identity rests on our shared values. / Cat: But we can't agree on anything. / Cat: We need an outfit!
/ Girl: A traditional American costume! For weddings and feast days! / [[Girl imagines herself dressed as a Plains Indian. Cat imagines himself in a Mickey Mouse hat and Che tee shirt.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=724 |
| Sandwiches Cheap | [[Cat sits in a diner booth looking at the menu. Girl is his waitress.]]
/ Girl: What'll it be?
/ Cat: What's on the "Dancer?" / Girl: Venison.
/ Cat: The "Prancer?"
/ Girl: Also venison. / Cat: The "Metaphor?"
/ Girl: That's a lightly breaded chicken patty with honey roasted ham, a slice of avocado and two strips of sizzling bacon on your choice of rye or whole wheat. / Cat: The "Rudolph?"
/ Girl: Venison and a maraschino cherry. / [[Cat thinks.]] / Cat: What's the "Simile?"
/ Girl: It's like the Metaphor! http://catandgirl.com/?p=726 |
| Sandwiches Cheap | Cat: The "Anthropomorphic Platter?"
/ Girl: Beef tongue on a roll. / [[Cat picks up his mug.]]
/ Cat: What's this? It's good.
/ Girl: Instant. / Cat: What's on the "Villanelle?" / Girl:
/ One slice of freshly toasted whole wheat rye,
/ a quarter pound of ham with honey glaze -
/ beneath that two crisp leaves of lettuce lie. / Gold breaded trout made at our own fish fry,
/ scallops still wet from Massachusetts' bays.
/ One slice of freshly toasted whole wheat rye. / The thinnest spread of Libby's Pumpkin Pie
/ filling, a lone tomato by there stays.
/ Beneath that two crisp leaves of lettuce lie. / Thick avocado slices pile high.
/ The chopped red onion chili sets ablaze
/ one slice of freshly toasted whole wheat rye. / Above this tower one judgemental eye
/ of pitted olive holds us it its gaze -
/ beneath that two crisp leaves of lettuce lie. / There's four great kinds of pickles, sweet to dry,
/ mustard, optional ketchup, mayonnaise,
/ one slice of freshly toasted whole wheat rye,
/ beneath that two crisp leaves of lettuce lie. / Cat: Hmmmm. / [[He drinks again from the mug.]] / Cat: Instant what?
/ Girl: Mashed potatoes. / {{The villanelle is the most restrictive of all sandwich forms.}} http://catandgirl.com/?p=728 |
| There's a Use for Everything | [[Girl holds an umbrella.]] / [[The sky darkens.]] / [[Girl walks into the house soaking wet.]]
/ Cat: You look like something I dragged in. / Girl: Waking up this morning was a pointless act of masochism.
/ Cat: Can I get you anything? / Girl: Not unless you've got a towel and a hot cup of coffee in your pockets.
/ Cat: Milk or sugar? / Girl: And a bowl of soup?
/ Cat: Be careful. This is my last spoon. / Girl: You keep all this stuff in your pockets?
/ Cat: I like to be prepared. / Cat: I've got ketchup in case there's a hot dog, wet naps in case there's ketchup. / Cat: Sun tan lotion in case there's a beach. A deck of cards in case there's not. / Girl: Franny and Zooey if you feel like reading.
/ Cat: Catcher in the Rye if I feel like assassinating. http://catandgirl.com/?p=730 |
| A Meatball's History of the United States | A Meatball's History of the United States, 1492-Present / 1642: The first meatballs set sail for the new world.
/ [[Meatballs with pilgrim hats on a wooden ship.]] / 1758: Four meatballs are sentenced to death following Boston's anti-spaghetti riots.
/ [[An executioner meatball brings a meatball in a tri-cornered hat to the gallows.]]
/ Doomed Meatball: I regret nothing. / 1813: Decades of activism finally secures voting rights for all land-owning meatballs.
/ [[Meatballs march down the street holding a banner that says "Suffrage and Temperance."]] / 1882: Canned tomato sauce goes into production.
/ [[A Meatball in a top hat addresses a large crowd of patriotic meatballs.]]
/ Top Hat Meatball: Doom! / 1929: The first meatball is elected to congress.
/ Apple: Doom! / 1944: The legendary meatball brigades storm Nazi Germany, defeating Hitler. / Girl: And THAT'S how World War II was won?
/ Academic Meatball: How WHAT was won? http://catandgirl.com/?p=732 |
| Dream House | [[A mansion. The front door resembles the front of an enclosed litter box. Two large columns flank it. Above the door "Cat" has been spelled in lights. A sculpture of two cats holds up a fountain. Between the lights and the sculpture is the Hall of Presidents. The Beer Pool and Silly Straw Cabana are on the roof. The second floor holds Skeeball, a taffy chest and every item ever offered by the Home Shopping Center. The first floor has a door that leads to ducks. A pole drops into the basement ball pit. On the back of the house is a giant glass pyramid, the I. M. Pei addition, which houses the Burrito Orchard.]] / [[Cat speaks to Girl.]]
/ Cat: My mausoleum is gonna be awesome. http://catandgirl.com/?p=734 |
| What's Hot: Tattoos | [[Tattoos: What's Hot 2006]] / [[Gang Signs: "Twee" in blackletter above barbed wire.]] / [[Health Information: A scroll winds its way around a broken heart, "Glucose Intolerant Motherfucker."]] / [[Gothic Script: "Temp Life" on someone's stomach.]] / [[Clarification: Two hands, tattoos on their knuckles reading "Left" and "Rite."]] / [[Dead Hookers.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=736 |
| Some Enchanted Evening | Cat: Where's my turtleneck? / [[Cat is inside the closet.]]
/ Girl: It's in the wash.
/ Cat: So what am I supposed to wear? / Girl: You have nothing else?
/ [[Cat is wearing a letter jacket.]]
/ Cat: Just some old stuff. / Girl: It's a dinner party. It's not an audition for Grease.
/ Cat: Wait, I've got it - / [[Cat is wearing a Dickensian suit with a top hat and large, floppy bow tie.]] / Girl: Or Oliver.
/ Cat: Well maybe it should be! / Girl: Now we're really late.
/ Cat: Woah! / Girl: What?
/ Cat: I haven't worn this thing in forever. / Cat: I think these hats went out of fashion in the Seventies.
/ Girl: Nobody cares. Let's go. / [[Cat is wearing a horned Viking helmet and a furry tunic.]] / Girl: At least it's original. / [[Cat and Girl are at a crowded party. Across the room Cat sees a bearded man also dressed in a horned Viking helmet and furry tunic.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=738 |
| Maritime Melodies | [[Cat is in the bathtub, bubbles all around him.]]
/ Cat: I don't care what you say. / Cat: I still think it's a bad name for a toy boat.
/ [[Cat holds a toy steamship named the "Titanic."]] / [[Girl holds a long-handled brush out to Cat.]]
/ Girl: When you finish scrubbing off the rest of our horseradish we can talk about names for the boat. / < http://catandgirl.com/?p=740 |
| The Little Tyrant | [[Cat and Girl sit at a table paying cards.]]
/ Cat: Stay or raise?
/ Girl: Go fish. / [[Cat looks at his cards and whistles.]] / Girl: Go fish!
/ Cat: Who elected you Napoleon?
/ Glitters: Heh / Cat: "Able was I ere I et Melba." / Cat: Could be Peach Melba. Could be Melba Toast. / Cat: I wonder who Melba was...
/ Girl: An opera singer. Uno! / [[Girl smiles.]] / Girl: Better luck next time.
/ Cat: Don't crap in my shoe and tell me it's pudding. / Girl: I didn't crap in your shoe.
/ Cat: Well somebody did! / Cat: And it's your word against Deputy Glitters'.
/ [[An angry house cat sits at the end of the table.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=742 |
| Starving | [[The sun shines on the water.]] / [[Cat and Girl are adrift in an inflatable raft. Cat sleeps.]]
/ < http://catandgirl.com/?p=744 |
| Miner Threat | Cat: What are we exploring today? / Girl: Non-narrative structures. / Cat: Like what?
/ Girl: Repetition.
/ Cat: Oh, brother. / Cat: I thought we were gonna explore the old abandoned cave.
/ Girl: The cave is scary. / Cat: But the cave rocks.
/ Girl: What? / Cat: Can I axe you a question?
/ Girl: Oh, brother. / Cat: It's a miner question.
/ Girl: Where are you going with this? / Cat: All the way to Punderdome.
/ Girl: You are way beyond Punderdome. http://catandgirl.com/?p=746 |
| Guilty of Being | [[Cat, dressed in a turban, holds a small card up to his forehead.]]
/ Cat: There are two kinds of people. / [[Cat reads the card.]]
/ Cat: People who wear white shoes to show how clean they can keep them / Cat: and people who wear white shoes to show how dirty they can get them. / [[Girl checks her shoes.]] / Girl: White shoes my foot! / Girl: Clean white shoes signify newness and wealth - among social groups where wealth is something to be envied, clean white shoes are a triumph over everyday circumstances - dirty white shoes appeal to social groups that envy a state of poverty, or at least the stylish accoutrements of one - a social group that prefers the look of the beaten-down and old is a social group where a level of at least middle class comfort is assumed - / Girl: which only shows - yet again - that people always want what they can't have. / Cat: Yeah?
/ Girl: Yeah. / Cat: Well what if you could have a magic fairy - that followed you around and gave you everything you asked for - wouldn't you want that? / [[A bear in overalls waves a wand behind Cat.]]
/ Bear: Your wish is my command.
/ Cat: I said buzz off! http://catandgirl.com/?p=748 |
| I'll call her Jeff Buckley | [[Cat looks at a turkey in a deli case.]]
/ Cat: oooooooooooooooooooooo / Cat: I want it. / Cat: Can I take it home? / [[Cat looks to Girl. Girl is pushing a shopping cart.]] / Cat: Why not?
/ Girl: You're irresponsible. / Cat: I'll take good care of her!
/ Girl: I wish I could trust you - I just can't. / Girl: Not after what happened last time. / [[A turkey floats upside down in a swimming pool. Cat and Girl stand behind a fence, aghast.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=750 |
| Headless Body in Topless Burial | [[A cemetery. Mourners stand at a graveside in black clothes with black umbrellas. Cat throws a string of beads into the open grave.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=753 |
| Spanning the World | [[Girl is busy reading. Cat comes over with a globe under his arm.]]
/ Cat: Explain this to me.
/ Girl: Explain what?
/ Cat: This upside down part. / Girl: That's where Kiwis live.
/ Cat: Kiwis? / Girl: A Kiwi is a person from New Zealand.
/ Cat: A kiwi is like if a hamster was a fruit. / Cat: And where is Old Zealan? / Girl: He's probably dead by now. / [[A shoeless, bearded man in overalls sits on his porch in a rocking chair. A jug of "xxx" is by his side, and he holds a corn cob pipe up to his mouth. His mailbox says "Zealand."]]
/ Zealand: Nope - just restin'. http://catandgirl.com/?p=755 |
| True Colors | [[Cat approaches an ice cream truck.]]
/ Cat: I'll have a rocket pop.
/ Ice cream man: Sorry, pal. / Cat: No rocket pops?
/ Ice cream man: Ran out.
/ Girl: Well duh. / Girl: It was just July Fourth.
/ Cat: France pops?
/ Ice cream man: Nope. / Cat: Great Britain pop?
/ Ice cream man: Nope.
/ Cat: Australian pop?
/ Ice cream man: Sorry. / Cat: This is my sixth least favorite fast food experience ever. / {{#5 Kangaroo on a Stick}}
/ [[A small, dodgy building. A picture of a kangaroo on the side and the slogan "Now mostly legal! - CASH ONLY." Someone looms in the darkness behind the service window.]] / {{#4 Johnny Watergate's}}
/ [[The specials board says "Fondue" and "Share a Pot."]] / {{#3 Wilmer Valderrama's Crab Shack}} / {{#2 Jack in the Box}} / {{#1 The Oscar Mayer Veganmobile}}
/ [[A truck shaped like a giant lima bean.]]
/ < http://catandgirl.com/?p=757 |
| You Gotta Get Out of the Place You are In | [[Cat is buried up to his shoulders.]] / [[He fidgets.]] / [[He grows angrier.]] / [[He looks around.]] / [[He looks sad.]] / [[He sinks a little lower.]] / Cat: QUICKsand my BUTT. http://catandgirl.com/?p=759 |
| Bohemians | Girl: A beatnik's just a misogynist with a typewriter. / Cat: A bohemian's just a citizen of the western edge of the Czech Republic. / Girl: A BOHEMIAN is just someone waiting to hear back from Grad School. / Cat: And socks are just sausage casings for feet! What's your point? / [[Cat and Girl stare at each other.]] / [[They both look down at their shoes.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=761 |
| Frozen in Time | {{Cat and Girl are Frozen in Time only to be awakened... THOUSANDS of years in the Future.}} / [[Cat and Girl are frozen in a time machine pod.]] / < |
| Bowling Alone | [[The desert. The sun shines. Girl reads a book.]] / Cat: Let's go bowling! / Girl: Oh great, ironic bowling. Are the nineties back so soon? / Cat: It's not ironic - it's fun! / Cat: I've got my bowling shoes. I've got my bowling ball. / Cat: We can go downtown and hustle strangers for juice money! / Girl: Since when have you owned a bowling ball? / [[Cat and Girl are alone on a desert island.]] / Cat: Since I poked three holes in a coconut? / {{This is why people bowl alone...}} http://catandgirl.com/?p=765 |
| Old News | [[Cat's reading a newspaper.]]
/ Cat: Pffft! / Cat: People have been illustrating Belle and Sebastian songs and nobody has told us! / Girl: We weren't invited!?!
/ Cat: Why asking me to act out Belle and Sebastian songs is like asking a starfish about creepy tissue regeneration! / Cat: A very good idea! / [[Cat stands by a window in a scarf, holding a cup of tea. He weeps a single tear.]]
/ Get me away from here I'm dying... play me a song to set me free... / Cat: Eh? / [[Clouds cover the sun.]]
/ Bus stop bus girl she's there waiting... under her umbrella... / Brusha brusha brusha... new Ipana toothpaste....
/ < http://catandgirl.com/?p=767 |
| The Aesthetics of Inconvenience | Grrrl: Death to convenience!
/ Girl: Death to luxury! / Cat: Death to luxury?!? / Cat: Look who just won the talent competition at the Little Miss Hypocrisy pageant. / Cat: You see luxury in wrinkle-resistant khakis and individual snack packs? / Cat: Maybe luxury is not needing convenience. / Cat: Pfft. / [[Girl and Grrrl are left standing alone.]] / Grrrl: Congratulations.
/ Girl: Thank you. / [[They face each other.]] / Grrrl: What was your talent?
/ [[Girl holds up her hand like a puppet and speaks out of the side of her mouth.]]
/ Girl: Ventriloquism. http://catandgirl.com/?p=769 |
| Obsolete | Grrrl: I just find obsolete technology really appealing. / Girl: Because you want to live in the past?
/ Grrrl: I don't want to live in the past. / Girl: The past is safe because we know how it ends.
/ Grrrl: But the food. / Girl: When technology becomes obsolete its utility often remains with us. / Girl: We can record television without VCRs - just like we can still record images without the sepia tones and medium-enforced rigidity of the daguerreotype. / Girl: What gets lost are the inconveniences of the old equipment, the tape hiss and the mis-set type, mechanical quirks made aesthetic shorthand for specific eras / Girl: and sealed in amber in a room marked "the past." / Grrrl: I don't want to be trapped in amber. / [[Grrrl is left alone.]] / [[The air around her softens.]] / [[Grrrl's image breaks apart in the manner of a low-res jpeg.]]
/ Grrrl: Help! http://catandgirl.com/?p=771 |
| Cat and Girl's Travel Tips | Cat: In Cleveland, Ohio?
/ Girl: Why not visit - / {{The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum}}
/ {{See Cousin Brucie's Glass Coffin}} http://catandgirl.com/?p=773 |
| People who live in Glass Coffins | Cat: Cousin Brucie's not dead. / Girl: Well he's not dead yet.
/ Cat: So what's in the coffin? / Cat: Alan Freed? Murray the K? Clam chowder? / Girl: I think it's just left empty. Waiting for him. / Cat: Pffft / Cat: What a waste of a glass coffin. / [[Girl is left alone to think.]] / [[The glass coffin. The sign above it reads "Guess the number of Jellybeans in Cousin Brucie's glass coffin - win a tee shirt."]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=775 |
| Payback | [[Boy stands outdoors, happy and unaware as someone approaches him from behind.]] / < http://catandgirl.com/?p=777 |
| Payback | [[Leaves fall.]] / [[Snow falls.]] / [[It rains.]] / [[The sun shines.]] / [[The moon is full.]] / [[The moon wanes.]] / [[The moon wanes.]] / [[The moon is only a sliver.]] / [[A hamburger sits on a counter.]] / [[Flies buzz around it.]] / [[The bun grows moldy. More flies appear.]] / [[A black cloud of death arises from what is left of the burger.]] http://catandgirl.com/?p=779 |
| Payback | [[The Bully stands in a dark room. He is older, wearing a tie, with a work identification card clipped on his shirt.]] / < http://catandgirl.com/?p=781 |
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