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Let's Take a Trip [[Cat leans his head out of a car window.]] / Cat: Hurry up! / <> / Cat: Get in! / [[Girl sits in the car.]] / Girl: Where are we going? / Girl: The market? The water park? The supermarket? / Girl: Oh! / Girl: The super water park? / [[Cat's hands are on the wheel.]] / Cat: We're going... / Cat: To Tuesday! / Girl: Next Tuesday? / Cat: Last Tuesday! / Girl: I can show you how to use the VCR. / Cat: I'll figure it out myself!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=843
Three, Two, One... [[2006. Times Square. The ball drops and confetti falls.]] / [[Girl and Boy are at a party. Girl wears a party hat. Boy reads from a book. They stare at the television.]] / Girl: So what? Nothing changes. / Boy: Nostradamus predicted that in the year 2006, western society would - / Boy: Western society would get nostalgic about VHS tapes. / Girl: Let me see that. / Girl: "2031: The pop charts are topped by Alan Lomax IV's field recordings of early American ringtones." / [[Cat walks past.]] / [[He wanders into a dark hallway.]] / [[Cat walks by a door marked "Bathroom."]] / [[Cat walks by a door marked "Coat Room."]] / [[Cat walks by a door marked "Earth Room."]] / [[A door marked "Time Machine." Cat smiles.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=845
...One, Two, Three [[Boy and Girl are at a party. Girl wears a party hat. They are looking at a thick book.]] / Girl: Wow. / Boy: I never would have guessed. / Boy: First female president... / Girl: Hilary Duff? / Boy: <> / Boy: What? / Girl: Was that the last crab puff? / Boy: I don't know. / Girl: You just ate the last crab puff! / Boy: Maybe they're making more. / Girl: Says who? Says Nostradamus? / [[Cat enters, chewing.]] / Girl: Let's ask Nostradamus about the hors d'oeuvres then. / Girl: Oh wise Nostradamus are there crab puffs in the future? / Cat: Not anymore.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=847
Old Chestnuts Cat: Old teachers don't die / Girl: they just stop caring. / Cat: Old librarians don't die / Girl: they just hide in the stacks. / Cat: Old Pilates instructors don't die / Girl: they just move on to the next lifestyle fad. / Cat: Old Country music stars don't die / Girl: they just get put in a coffin and buried in the ground and then no one ever sees them again. / Cat: Old Arby's don't die / Girl: they just get converted to Applebee's. / Cat: Old social criticism doesn't die / Girl: it just gets accepted as historical fact. / Cat: Old clothes don't die / Girl: they just get worn ironically. / Cat: Old Soul classics don't die / Girl: they just get repackaged by Time-Life. / Cat: Jokes don't die / Girl: they just get old.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=849
Let's Explore Alternate Realities with Cat and Girl Willie Nelson: Buddy Holly Ben Hur space monkey Mafia / Archie and Edith Bunker: hula hoops Castro Edsel is a no-go / Del Rubio triplets: U-2 Syngman Rhee payola and Kennedy / Robot with an acoustic guitar: Chubby Checker Psycho Belgians in the Congo / Two Willie Nelsons: We didn't start the fire - it was always burning since the world's been turning / Del Rubio triplets: Wir begannen nicht das Feuer - kein beleuchteten Wir es nicht - aber Wir versuchten, es zu kampfen / [[Cat is on the microphone in a crowd full of anthropomorphic cats.]] / Cat: Hemingway Eichmann Stranger in a Strange Land / [[Joseph Beuys plays the accordion.]] / Beuys: Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion / Ziggy Stardust: Lawrence of Arabia British Beatlemania / [[Two bears stand on a street corner, one with an acoustic guitar and one shaking maracas.]] / Bears: Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson / Chicago Bears: Pope Paul Malcolm X British politician sex / Billy Joel: Doris Day blown away what else do I have to say
http://catandgirl.com/?p=851
 
You Deserve a Break Today [[Girl sits at a kitchen table, knife and fork in hand, staring at an empty plate.]] / Cat: I tried to get cheeseburgers. / Cat: But I only had enough money for a Juicyfruit wrapper and a fake smile. / [[Cat smells the gum wrapper.]] / <> / Cat: Ah / Girl: If money creates possibility / Girl: then wealth is the volume of possibilities squandered - / Girl: wealth is the accumulation of irrelevance. / Cat: I wish I had an accumulation of irrelevance. / Cat: I'd buy a real smile. / Cat: And a yacht.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=853
A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes [[A heart sits inside a body.]] / Heart: I wish I had a pony. / Heart: Or a car. Man, a car would be cool. / Heart: Just cruising around. / [[The heart imagines itself sitting in a car smoking a cigarette. The radio is on.]] / Radio: All I wanna do is make love to you / Heart: <> / Heart: Right atrium, right ventricle. Left atrium, left ventricle. / Heart: say you will - you want me too - / Heart: Man, I wish I had a cigarette. / Heart: Anybody got a light?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=855
Yard by Yard Girl: Garden gnomes. / Girl: Cuckoo clocks. / Girl: Hummels. / Girl: Wagner. / Girl: Even the word "kitsch" is German. / Cat: What about pink flamingos? / Cat: Wagon wheels? / Cat: Nativity scenes in Jul... ew. / [[Cat picks up a pair of underpants with a stick. Cat and Girl stick their tongues out, disgusted.]] / Cat: Lawn jockey. / <> / <> / Girl: It's the pun police! / Cat: Run! / [[Cat and Girl are gone. One pig dressed as policeman examines the lawn jockey and stick while another one takes notes.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=857
Test Tea Cat: <> / Cat: <> / Cat: <> / Girl: Hairball? / Cat: <> / Girl: Let's get you something to drink. / [[Girl looks in the refrigerator.]] / Girl: "Honest Tea?" / Cat: <> / [[Cat drinks.]] / Cat: <> / Girl: Way to appeal to smug self-satisfaction. / Girl: "What does your tea do?Aid digestion?" / Girl: "My tea saves rain forests." / Cat: <> / Girl: "I'll have a steaming hot cup of chai Moralit Tea." / Cat: <> / Girl: "It's more expensive, but it's worth it for the Authenticit Tea." / Cat: Eeee. / Cat: All that Honest Tea makes me have to misanthro pee.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=859
Happy Hour [[The Beatnik Vampire sits behind his computer at work. He checks his watch.]] / [[He leaves.]] / [[Cat, Girl and the Beatnik Vampire share a table at a diner.]] / Girl: You look chipper. / Vampire: I've just switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin. / Cat: I've just switched from beer to whiskey. / Vampire: Real impressive, Hemingway. / Cat: Thanks Elizabeth Wurtzel. / Girl: Cut it out! / Girl: You're both altering your reality with chemistry. / Girl: Claiming one way is better because it's older, it's just some misguided bid for authenticity like... like macrame. / Cat: Like macrame? / [[Girl has left.]] / Cat: You didn't like your birthday present?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=861
 
Accidents Happen [[Girl stands at a bus top wearing a backpack.]] / [[Cat comes running over.]] / Cat: Wait wait wait! / Cat: I packed you brunch. / Girl: Thanks. / Cat: You'll be home by three? / Girl: I think so. / Cat: Give me a call if your plans change. / Girl: I'll just take a later bus. / Cat: Give me a call! / Cat: What if you got sick? / [[The school bus arrives. Girl gets on.]] / Cat: What if a bear ate you? / [[The bus leaves.]] / Cat: I'd never be able to forgive myself for hiring that bear.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=863
Lone Star [[Cat is trimming a Christmas tree.]] / Cat: Everything's so happy holidays that and season's greetings this. / Cat: it's like we've forgotten what Christmas is really about. / Girl: Oh yeah? What's it really about? / Cat: Some guy named Chris? / Cat: Hold on. I can get this. / Cat: Chris, Chris. Kris Kringle. / Cat: Kris Kristofferson! / Cat: Christmas is about watching "A Star is Born" and celebrating the teachings of Kris Kristofferson. / Cat: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." / Cat: Maturity's just another word for giving up. / Cat: Pine scented's just another word for anti-bacterial.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=865
My milkshakes and my sundaes and my cones are such a treat [[Cat smiles, pleading. He looks to Girl. Outside the window an ice cream truck drives by, playing music. The truck is labeled "Mister Feces."]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=867
Business as Usual [[A storefront. The window reads "Hipster Scouts: Corporate Headquarters. NY * SF * Olywa"]] / <> / [[A wrecking ball hits the window.]] / Girl: They just left? / Grrrl: Yeah, crept out of town under the cover of night. / Grrrl: Turns out the membership dues were being channeled through the Cayman Islands to Ashlee Simpson's bank account. / [[A "Mannheim Steamroller" approaches the old Hipster Scout offices.]] / Girl: Like the great Beatnik Crash of '62. / Grrrl: Dobie Gillis standing over Maynard G. Krebs' prone body. Blood on his hands. Triumphant.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=869
Last Minute Halloween Costumes [[Girl is dressed as a skeleton.]] / Ritchie Valens / [[Grrrl is dressed as a skeleton with thick-framed glasses.]] / Buddy Holly / [[Cat is dressed as a skeleton.]] / The Big Bopper
http://catandgirl.com/?p=882
 
Campfire Stories [[Girl, Grrrl and Boy sit around a fire.]] / Girl: But it was real, and he heard it - behind the howling wind and the wet slap of rain - someone was knocking on his door. / Girl: The pounding got louder and louder, faster and frenzied. / Girl: The wind screamed out once, suddenly, and all the lights in the cabin flickered out. / Girl: And the pounding stopped. / Girl: Slowly he swung open the big front door. / Girl: On his doorstep was a newspaper bearing tomorrow's date. / Girl: And he bent down to pick up te paper / Girl: and on the first page he saw... / Girl: Scare quotes! / Boy and Grrrl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=884
Grilling [[Cat's eating a hamburger. One hamburger remains on his plate.]] / Cat: You hungry? / Girl: No. / Cat: I made burgers! / Girl: OK. / Cat: You don't want the last one? / Girl: Not really. / [[Cat looks down at the last hamburger.]] / [[He leaves.]] / [[The hamburger sits alone on the counter.]] / [[The hamburger sits on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist is Hamburger helper.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=886
Conventional Wisdom [[Cat is looking at a book.]] / Cat: There's so much I don't know. / Cat: Like, Blondie's "Rapture" was the first song to feature rapping. / Cat: And rock and roll was invented by Micheal J. Fox in the movie "Back to the Future." / Girl: And what did Chuck Berry do? What about Ike Turner? Big Joe Turner? Bo Diddley? Fats Domino? / Girl: What does that book say about Ida Wells? George Washington Carver? Frederick Douglass? / Cat: <> / Cat: George Washington Carver wrote "Peanuts."
http://catandgirl.com/?p=888
Office Party [[The Beatnik Vampire stands by himself with a drink.]] / [[A co-worker, his tie loosened, comes over.]] / Co-worker: Awesome dip. / Co-worker: Did you see the V.P. of sales lip-synching to "Hey Ya?" / Vampire: Carnival. / Co-worker: Huh? / Vampire: This is carnival. A ritual reversal of the social hierarchy. / Vampire: A safety valve that ultimately reinforces the preexisting social order. / Vampire: Management making jovial asses of themselves so we all feel better on Monday when they resume ordering us around and making ten times more than we do. / Co-worker: Yeah, so? / Vampire: So? / Co-worker: Duh. / Co-worker: Awesome dip, man. / [[The Beatnik Vampire is left alone.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=890
Hatch Show Prints Cat: People often ask me / Cat: They often say to me "Cat -" / Cat: "Why do you dress in grey?" / Cat: A--hrm / [[Cat pokes Girl.]] / Girl: Cat, why do you dress in grey? / Cat: I mixed up the bleach and the fabric softener. / Cat: Now I've got nothing to wear to Mime-Con. / Cat: And I bought these clothes special! / Cat: I sent my Johnny cash, check or money order. / Cat: And my Johnny self-adressed stamped envelope.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=892
 
Living Paycheck to Paycheck [[Cat is dressed like a mime. He plays an acoustic guitar.]] / Cat: Take this invisible wall and shove it
http://catandgirl.com/?p=894
Gates of Steel [[A construction worker in overalls and a Devo hat tightens a bolt.]] / [[Two more construction workers in Devo hats.]] / [[A truck unloads gravel for a worker in a Devo hat.]] / [[A worker in a Devo hat drives construction equipment.]] / [[A guy in a Devo hat uses a pickax.]] / [[A guy in a Devo hat lays bricks.]] / [[More construction workers in Devo hats.]] / [[Cat and Girl walk by the site.]] / Girl: Deconstruction. / Cat: Oh.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=896
War [[Cat and Girl are playing cards.]] / Girl: Presbyterian. / Cat: Anglican. / [[Cat takes the hand.]] / Girl: Methodist. / Cat: Baptist. / [[Girl takes the hand.]] / Girl: Episcopalian. / Cat: Episcopalian. / Cat and Girl: One, two, three four... / Cat: Presbyterian. / Girl: Catholic. / [[Girl takes the hand.]] / Girl: Another round? / Cat: I thought Catholics were low.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=898
Typography Bureaucracy [[Girl has fallen asleep in a waiting room.]] / Girl: <> / Announcer: Eighty-six! / [[Girl wakes up.]] / [[Girl goes up to the receptionist.]] / Girl: I'm here to renew my Cooper Black permit. / Receptionist: Down the hallway, second waiting room in your left. / [[Girl walks down a hallway.]] / [[She sits in another waiting room.]] / Man with clipboard: "Girl"? / Girl: Yes! / Man with clipboard: Room 1084. / [[Girl goes to room 1084.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire is sitting behind a desk.]] / Man with clipboard: Get those sunglasses off! / Vampire: Yes sir. / [[He removes his sunglasses. Girl watches him.]] / Vampire: I'm still creative.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=905
Conspiracy Theorists Cat: AND Lincoln owned a cow named Kennedy and Kennedy ran over a dog named Lincoln. / Cat: Or maybe he was driving a Lincoln. / Girl: And Lincoln is famous for the Emancipation Proclamation and Kennedy is famous for not wearing hats. / Cat: Yeah! / Cat: And Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe. / Cat: And Lincoln slept with... / [[Cat thinks about it]] / Cat: James Monroe? / Girl: James Monroe was dead by then. / Cat: "Boom-Boom" Quincy Adams?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=907
 
Conspiracy Theorists Cat: "Happy Days" premiered in 1974. "That 70s Show" premiered in 1998. / Girl: "Happy Days" is set in the mid-1950s. "That 70s Show" begins in 1976. / Cat: Ron Howard was born in 1954. Topher Grace was born in 1978. / Girl: Both shows are set in Wisconsin. / Cat: Ron Howard and Don Most left "Happy Days" after six seasons. / Girl: Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher left "That 70s Show" after seven seasons. / Cat: Five years into "That 70s Show," "Punk'd" premiered. / Girl: Seven years after "Happy Days" began "Laverne and Shirley in the Army" did. / Cat: Coming in 2012 - "Gen X": Teens, zines and dreams in early 1990s Wisconsin. / Girl: Those who don't remember the past are doomed to watch it in syndication.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=909
We Are Pamphleteers Girl: You left the Hipster Scouts? / Grrrl: They wouldn't endorse my class rebellion. / Grrrl: Want a pamphlet? / [[Girl looks at the pamphlet.]] / Girl: This isn't about class! This is about you grown up! / Grrrl: <> / Grrrl: I know. / Grrrl: I don't want to get older. / Girl: What's the alternative? / Cat: Death by bees. / [[Grrrl's pamphlet features a picture of Grrrl in thick-framed glasses carrying a tote bag that says "I heart Nachur." Below, that, it reads: Yoga pantsed veggie eating organic endorsing NPR listening New York Times bestseller reading global music listening authority endorsing Yuppie scum.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=911
Western Swing [[Cat and Girl meet Country Cat and Grrrl. They are all dressed in Western styled clothing. Bales of hay litter the background.]] / Country Cat: If it isn't Patsy Decline and Kitty Not-so-well. / Cat: Are you here to pun or are you here to square dance? / Cat: Or are you here to Punnet Square Dance? / [[In the corner a mouse plays the banjo and sings. Another mouse beats a tiny drum with a stick.]] / Mouse: Bow to your partner, circle right / <> / Mouse: Forward back and dosido / Mouse: Brown eyed mother blue eyed pa ladies swing left fellas move to heterozygous brown eyed children / <> / Mouse: And promenade. / Cat: Maybe you should take some dancing lessons. / Country Cat: I'll take lessons when orphanages buy sausage.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=913
Supermarket Sweep [[The Beatnik Vampire is in the supermarket.]] / Vampire: Red onions or yellow onions? / Vampire: White rice or brown rice? / Vampire: Black or red pepper? / Vampire: White or brown eggs? / Vampire: Red or white wine? / Vampire: Race relations is hard.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=915
Surprise Package [[Girl and the Beatnik Vampire enter an apartment building. The Beatnik Vampire checks his mail.]] / Vampire: Ooh! / Vampire: it's from the butter of the month club. / Vampire: We should get this in the refrigerator. / Girl: Isn't your refrigerator full of beer and tchotchkes? / Vampire: They were ironic tchotchkes. / [[The Beatnik Vampire opens his refrigerator. Girl is surprised.]] / Girl: I've never seen so many kinds of mayonnaise. / Girl: Chilean Sea Bass. Sun dried potato. Sarsasparilla. / Vampire: Yeah, this guy at work got me into craft condiments. / Girl: Isn't there a less elaborate and costly way to display your fear of death? / [[Girl holds a jar of mayonnaise.]] / Vampire: Careful! That's a collector's item!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=917
 

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