You're browsing the archives of Cat and Girl.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|Selling Out||[[Girl walks away from Cat.]] / Cat: Are you going? / Cat: Are you selling? / Cat: Out? / [[Girl turns.]] / Girl: NEVER! / Cat: Talk is talk. And comfort is comfort. / Cat: Marzipan doesn't stop being marzipan just because you shape it like little fruits. / Girl: I don't need mainstream society not ONE LITTLE BIT! / Girl: Besides / Girl: think of all the time I save not planning a dream wedding.|
|Going On||[[A map. Cat and Girl's route starts at the shining city of Idealism, goes past the Desert of Lost Bets and the Molly Pitcher Rest Area, and past the Train to Nowhere. They go over the River of Temporary Employment, down the Road of False Promise, and take a right at the Crossroads through the Used Mattress Mountains past Bad Coffee Falls and the Secret Light Bulb Burying ground. To the north lies Obscurity, Litterbox Flats, Rice Town, Bean City and Big Rock Candy Mountain. To the west is a laundromat, library and a body of water marked "Here there be utility bills." To the south is Unemployment Falls. Past the crossroads is the Great Wall, and the land past the wall is marked unknown.]] / Girl: I have to use the bathroom. / Cat: We're almost at Purgatory.|
|Purgatory||[[A gas station stands alone in the desert. It has a skull for a logo, and the dollar amounts have all fallen off the sign. The convenience store is called "The Neither Here Nor There," and a vulture sits on its roof. Cat and Girl approach.]] / [[They enter the store.]] / [[There are barrels and barrels of pogs.]] / [[The VHS rental shelves hold copy after copy of "Rent."]] / [[The freezer case is full of O'Douls.]] / [[A gumball machine is marked "Sugar Free."]] / Cat: Ooh! / [[A woman is working behind the counter. She has the head of a bird.]] / Cat: Can I get change? / Bird-woman: No.|
|Change||Girl: Even when we stand still / Girl: the earth moves beneath us. WE are moving. / Girl: Even when we maintain our position in society that society is changing around us. / Girl: CHANGE is the CONSTANT. / Cat: It's not enough! / Cat: It's not enough to change as a reaction to the world! / Girl: Then it's up to US! / Girl: To look - to look down into ourselves / Girl: and push away. / Girl: I take myself too seriously. / Cat: I see my feet every day - but do I ever really TALK to them?|
|Voter Resignation||[[Grrrl and the Beatnik Vampire sit at a bar. The Beatnik Vampire is drinking Pabst.]] / Grrrl: Rock the vote / Grrrl: Vote or DIE / Grrrl: Even THAT vestigial slogan speaks to a time of false hopes - a time now gone. / Grrrl: America has spent the last EIGHT YEARS digging itself into a hole / Grrrl: adding plumbing / Grrrl: and smacking a porcelain armchair on top. / [[Grrrl and the Beatnik Vampire toast each other.]] / Vampire: Let's get America out of the toilet! / Grrrl: America out of the toilet in 2008.|
|Opposites||Girl: The opposite of a conclusion is a journey. / Cat: And the opposite of hot is cold. So? / Girl: The opposite of hot is sweet! / Cat: Only if you're talking about jazz or sausage. / Girl: The opposite of an article is an antarcticle. / Cat: The opposite of peanut butter is jelly. / Girl: The opposite of peanut butter is vaseline. / Girl: The opposite of youth is compromise. / [[A map. Cat and Girl have returned to the crossroads, and this time they walk towards the door in the Great Wall.]]|
|The Wall||[[A tall stone wall interrupted only by a pair of closed wooden doors.]] / Girl: Do you climb? / Cat: Only socially. / Girl: We have to get inside. But how? / Cat: Why? / Cat: There's no army after us. No promise ahead. / Cat: WHY do we have to get inside? / Girl: Because we've been everywhere outside and it all bites. / Cat: OK.|
|The Last Affordable Neighborhood in Brooklyn||[[Girl and the Beatnik Vampire walk out of the subway station.]]
/ Girl: No Fresh Direct?
/ Beatnik Vampire: They don't deliver here anymore. / [[They walk past a Checks Cashed storefront.]]
/ Vampire: Not since the incident.
/ Girl: And you feel safe? / [[They walk past Frankenberry's.]]
/ Vampire: Little Transylvania's not a bad neighborhood. / Vampire: Well - the night life sucks. And you have to take the G. / [[Music drifts through the air.]] / Girl: Let's get ice cream cones with chocolate sprinkles! / Vampire: That's no ice cream, truck, that's - / <
|Behind Closed Doors||Cat: You've never seen a black helicopter? / Girl: Uh - / Girl: I think I rode in a black elevator once. / Cat: Was it run by secret society SKULL AND BONES? / Girl: How is it a secret society if everyone's heard of it? / Cat: They have secret levers of power. / Girl: It's called being an OLD WHITE GUY who WENT TO YALE. / Cat: What about the Knights Templar? The Writer's Guild? / Girl: Old news. / Cat: The MASONS, they have those - jars. / Girl: NOW it's like there's / Girl: the fraternal order of people who didn't go to the prom. Busy keeping QVC on the air as a long-term undercover video art project. / Girl: And their ANCIENT ENEMIES the Grand Lodge of people who went to the prom more than once. / Girl: Responsible for baby-sized Sex Pistols tee shirts. / Girl: And remember when sun-dried tomatoes were suddenly on everything? / Cat: Ew. Yeah. / Girl: The RIAA. / Cat: I HATE them.|
|Bad Ventriloquist||[[A ventriloquist drinks a glass of water.]] / [[His dummy watches him.]] / Dummy: What's in there? / Dummy: Is that water? / Dummy: Man I could use some water. / Dummy: Did you know I was - I was up until 4am last night / Dummy: Drinking Gin and Tonics, Vodka Tonics, Jaeger bombs / Dummy: until BAM I could hardly tell my shoes from my feet. / Dummy: Woke up this morning, drank two big cups of coffee. / Dummy: Bad idea. TERRIBLE idea. / [[The ventriloquist drinks from his glass of water.]] / Dummy: So what I'm saying is just a TASTE of water / Ventriloquist: That was the last of it. / [[They look at each other.]] / [[The are standing in a desert.]] / [[The sun is setting.]] / Dummy: I'm going to get you for this.|
|Traditions||[[Cat and Girl walk in their winter clothes.]] / Girl: Santa Claus was born on the North Pole. / Girl: And he was raised by reindeer and he never had to go to school / Girl: which is why he liked children so much / Girl: that he decided to make toys for ALL of them / Girl: until he met some children and then he decidedto only make toys for the good ones. / Girl: But he keeps track of who's NAUGHTY or NICE on billions and bajillions of index cards / Girl: and he's the only reason the North Pole Office Max is still in business / Girl: and he smokes a PIPE and wears a RED FUR SUIT and he gets ALL of January off and his best friend is a snowman! / [[Girl smiles.]] / [[Cat thinks.]] / Cat: That's a whole lot of backstory just to get some kid to sit on your lap.|
|Let's Have a Party||Girl: You know what no one does anymore? / Cat: Write letters? / Cat: Eat veal? Watch Westerns? / Cat: Die of smallpox? / Girl: Perform TABLEAUX. / Girl: You know - We pick a famous image, like "Liberty Leading the People," and then we recreate it using costumes, props and ourselves! / Cat: That only works in a shared culture dominated by still images. / [[Girl is angry.]] / [[Cat smiles.]] / Cat: So we'll have a little sherry / Cat: Aunt Mary will play the spinet / Cat: and then we'll recreate our favorite Youtube videos! / Girl: But tableux were based on canonical images! / Girl: Youtube videos are famous for like five minutes. / Cat: People looked at the same hundred paintings because there was nothing better to look at! / Girl: The value of a limited shared culture is that it's easy to communicate - / Girl: not just about a painting but about the aesthetic values or societal mores that FOLLOW from that painting. / Girl: And not just with your peers, but with a writer of fifty years ago - or a reader fifty years into the future. / Girl: What Youtube video will you be able to discuss fifty years from now? / [[They look at each other.]] / Cat: Why do you think you are nuts? / Girl: I'M nuts?|
|Live Music||[[A Salvation Army Santa Claus rings a bell.]]
|Nice Things||[[Grrrl stands in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.]] / Grrrl: This is awful coffee. / Grrrl: But I don't want to drink GOOD coffee. What if I enjoyed it? / Grrrl: I don't WANT to taste the differences in wine beyond red, white or fortified. / Grrrl: What if I got used to apartments that weren't drafty on streets that didn't smell bad? / Grrrl: What if I got used to visiting countries without bringing my own toilet paper? / [[Grrrl approaches a hamster in a glass cage.]] / Grrrl: I don't want to get stuck on the hamster wheel of earning more to spend more / Grrrl: Earning more to spend more / Grrrl: Earning more to spend more to BUY NICE THINGS. / Grrrl: A little hamster Sisyphus. / Grrrl: Why bother? / [[The hamster sits in its cage.]] / Hamster: At least my student loans are paid off.|
|Do What That Cat Says||[[Cat holds a house cat in his arms.]] / Cat: Chairman Meow. / Girl: Fidel Catstro. / Cat: Furrranco. / Girl: Nikita Kuteschev. / Cat: Mousealini. / Girl: Vladimir Poopin.|
|Self Help||[[Cat stands in a book store, looking at a shelf marked "Self Help."]] / [[He looks at the next shelf. The words "elf elp" are visible.]] / [[He opens a book.]] / Cat: "Five simple steps to self-actualization through toy-building." / [[Cat looks back at the shelf. The sign, revealed, says "Elf Help."]] / [[He smiles and walks away with the book.]]|
|Secrets of the Sofas||Girl: The last of the American forests, gone - / Girl: replaced by a big box with a store inside. / Girl: Where will the feral children go? / Cat: One boy was abandoned in an Ikea and raised by affordable Swedish design. / Cat: The sofas named him Kramfors-Child and raised him as their own. / Girl: What did they teach him? / Cat: To chair is human - to forgive, divan. / [[Girl glares at Cat.]]|
|What Makes Us Human||[[Cat sits at a desk with diplomas behind it.]] / Girl: Is a baby a person? / Cat: They can wear tiny clothes. / Girl: Is a fetus a person? / Cat: They can NOT wear tiny clothes. / Girl: Dogs can wear tiny clothes. / Cat: And they're adorable little people! / Girl: When does human life begin? / Cat: Graduate school.|
|Unicycle||[[Girl is in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Cat interrupts.]] / Cat: What's a unitard? / Girl: uh- / Girl: It's like a singlet. A tight one-piece clothing thing. / Cat: Oh. / Cat: What's a bi-tard? / Girl: Tandem unitards. / Cat: A tritard? / Girl: Waterproof unitard. / Cat: Quadrotard? / Girl: Movie starring Sting. / Cat: Pentatard? / Girl: Unitard worn as part of a military uniform. / Cat: Sextard? / Girl: What they sell at American Apparel. / Cat: Septard? / Girl: A unitard worn in the early Fall. / Cat: Octotard? / Girl: An octopus carrying the wrong lunchbox into the cafeteria on the first day of second grade.|
|A Toast||[[The Beatnik Vampire considers the menu at a restaurant with pictures and pennants covering the walls.]] / Vampire: Slippery Nipple? Sex on the Beach? / Vampire: These are the names of drinks? / Vampire: I remember a time when drinks had respectable names. The Manhattan, the Brooklyn, the Throgs Neck. / Vampire: The Algonquin Round Table didn't openly loath each other over "Screaming Orgasms." / Vampire: Bring back literate boozing! I'll have the Pitcher of Dorian Gray. The Rabbit, Rum. The Tequila Mockingbird. / Waiter: What can I get you? / Vampire: What comes with a little umbrella? / [[The Beatnik Vampire makes a toast.]] / Vampire: To the lighthouse!|
|Guess Who||[[Girl and Grrrl sit at a table playing "Guess Who."]] / Girl: Do they have... iconic facial hair? / Grrrl: Yes. / Girl: Are they a dictator? / Grrrl: Of course! / Girl: Some no-dictators have iconic facial hair! Like - / [[Girl ponders.]] / Girl: Abraham Lincoln. / Girl: And Steve Buscemi. / Girl: That's two. / Cat: Guess Who? That game sucks. / Girl: Not if you replace the people with pictures of historical figures. / Grrrl: Or photos of people you know. / Girl: Never again. / [[Flashback]] / Grrrl: Is it someone who - / Grrrl: Has herpes? / Girl: IS it?|
|Easy for them to say||[[Cat and Girl are watching television.]] / Cat: MORE babies? / Cat: What do we need MORE babies for? / Girl: To keep the price of spit-up below fifty dollars a barrel? / Cat: And have you tried holding a conversation with them? / Cat: "Mama!" "Papa!" / Cat: Not exactly a bunch of little Oscar Wildes. / Girl: Babies can only say very easy things. / Girl: "Wawa." "Baba." "I liked their old stuff better."|
|Noon||[[A house. Morning.]] / [[Cat lies in bed.]] / <
|The Usual Carcinogens||[[Cat puts his pipe in his mouth.]]
/ Cat: What's your guilty pleasure? / Girl: Pleasure is too rare a thing to feel guilty about.
/ Cat: But - / Cat: But what if your pleasure really IS guilty? / Cat: Like it killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
/ Girl: You don't know anyone in Reno. / Cat: So it's OK?
/ Girl: Yes! Guilty pleasures are OK! / [[Cat picks up his phone]]
|Pop Art Paint by Numbers Kit||[[Girl is drawing at a desk.]] / Cat: Since when do you paint? / Girl: Since it's by number. / Cat: What's THAT supposed to be? / Girl: It's Jasper Johns' "Target with Four Faces!" / Cat: That's not art. / Girl: It's in the pop art paint by numbers kit. / [[Jasper Johns' "Target with Four Faces."]] / [[Andy Warhol's Brillo Box.]] / [[Jasper Johns' American Flag painting.]] / [[A Roy Lichtenstein Eye.]] / [[Robert Rauschenberg. Two circles. The outer circle is marked "1" and the inner circle is marked "Goat."]] / Cat: You gave up on the Joseph Beuys paint by number? / Girl: The lard made my hands all sticky.|
|Shopper's Delight||Cat: How was the supermarket? / Girl: Heteronormative. / Girl: Mr. Peanut. Mrs. Buttersworth. / Girl: Mr. Coffee. Mrs. Dash. / Cat: The squares. / Girl: Mr. Goodbar. Swiss Miss. / Cat: The swingers! / Girl: The feminized products involved in the preparation of food. / Cat: I bet they all have dinner parties. / Girl: The snack products given masculine names. / Cat: "What's Mr. Peanut bringing?" "Oh. the usual." / Girl: Not to mention the shallowly concealed minstrelsy of Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. / Cat: oooooooooh original recipe! / Girl: I guess Paul Robeson's pancake mix just didn't sell. / Cat: I love Kathy Acker's Blood and Guts in Hot Sauce!|
|The Road Less Traveled||[[Cat and Girl walk.]] / [[They walk into the desert.]] / Girl: Where are we? / Cat: We're - / Cat: We're - / Girl: We're lost. / Cat: I'll check the atlas. / Girl: The colossus of roads. / Cat: Aw nuts! / Girl: It's bad? / Cat: It looks like - / [[Night falls.]] / Cat: We should have gotten jobs about two years ago. / Girl: We can still turn back!|
|a class="searchlink" href="http://catandgirl.com/?p=398&ref=nf">http://catandgirl.com/?p=398&ref=nf||[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]|
|Jury, Executioner||[[Girl is reading.]] / Cat: Franny and Zooey? / Cat: Boooooring. / Girl: You can't judge a book by its cover. / Cat: Sure I can! It's no hard. / Cat: If the cover has a picture of a pirate ship or a lady in a fast car or a guy in a hat with the gun / Cat: it's a good book. / Girl: I guess we judge people by appearance. / Cat: If it has pictures of ruined space castles or viking werewolf robots or giant winged eyeballs / Cat: that's what we call literature. / Girl: It's just admitting that clothes are a valid means of self-expression. / Girl: We dress to communicate who we are - to express solidarity with our peer group - to communicate who we wish to be. / Cat: I dress because the police made me. / Girl: Even so your care or lack of care expresses something. / Girl: You're going to judge people somehow / Girl: is judging them by job or age or education any fairer? / Cat: I judge people by their social security number.|
|Easy Diagnosis||[[Girl sits in a waiting room reading a magazine.]] / Cat: The good news is / Cat: it's not John Denver Syndrome. / Girl: John Denver Syndrome. / Cat: You know - / Girl: You get muppets? / Cat: It's fatal! / Cat: John Denver Syndrome is when you die in a way that you have to be totally rich to die in. / Girl: Oh - the Sonny Bono disease. / Girl: What's the bad news? / Cat: We're broke.|
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 >>