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|Diagnosis||Girl: I don't feel sad, really. / [[Girl is sitting in a doctor's examining room.]] / Girl: Just sort of empty. / Girl: What's wrong with me? / Doctor: Well - / Doctor: Your me-count puts you in the seventieth percentile for self-absorption. / Doctor: And you tested positive for stopping for a minute while putting on your shoes just to stare at your feet. / Doctor: According to the tests, you have cancer of the feelings. It is inevitably fatal. / [[Girl is left sitting alone.]] / [[Cat and Girl are walking together outside.]] / Girl: I hate a doctor with a sense of humor.|
|Knowledge is Power||[[Girl and Grrrl are sitting at a table. Cat wears an apron and carries a spoon. Girl is eating cereal.]]
/ Cat: Who wants belgian waggles?
/ Grrrl: I do!
/ Girl: <
|Viral Marketing||[[Cat's wearing a party hat and blowing on a noisemaker.]]
/ Cat: <
|Listen To What the Statler Brothers Say||[[Cat listens intently to the radio.]] / Radio: You can always find me here I'm having quite a time counting flowers on the wall that don't bother me at all playing solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one smoking cigarettes and watching / Cat: Who's Captain Kangaroo? / Girl: A prominent military strategist and West Point graduate. / [[Cat is listening to his radio and holding a hankie.]] / Radio: And the class of fifty-seven had its dreams - oh we all thought we'd change the world with our great works and deeds or maybe we just thought the world would change to fit our needs oh the class of fifty seven had its dreams / Cat: Does he outrank Captain Crunch? / Girl: Captain Crunch is in the Navy. / [[Cat goes back into his room.]] / [[Music is leaking out of it into the room where Girl sits.]] / Radio: Whatever happened to Gene and Tex and Roy / Cat: Who's Randolph Scott? / Girl: An actor. Cowboy movies. Are you listening to country music again? / Cat: Maybe. / Girl: You're just wallowing in other peoples' nostalgia. / Cat: It's catchy! / [[Cat sings and dances]] / Cat: Whatever happened to Randolph Scott has happened to the best of me / Girl: The best of you spent twelve years living with Cary Grant in "Bachelor Hall?" / Cat: It could happen to anyone.|
|Conspicuous Presumption||[[Cat and Girl sit a table drinking coffee.]]
/ Cat: BUUURP / Cat: I feel awful.
/ Girl: You should see a doctor. / [[A doctor's examination room. cat sits on the examination table. Girl is wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard.]]
/ Girl: Dizzy spells? Fainting? Shortness of breath? / Cat: I've been coughing up Ipods all day. / Girl: What color?
/ Cat: Red.
/ Girl: oooh / Cat: That's bad?
/ Girl: That's the worst. / Cat: What's the diagnosis? / [[Girl holds up a hammer to Cat's leg.]]
/ Girl: Does it hurt when I do this? / [[Girl hits Cat's knee.]]
|Promiscuous Consumption||[[An x-ray. Lungs with an Ipod snaking down between them.]] / [[Cat sits on the examining table in a doctor's office. Girl is dressed as a doctor. She holds the x-ray in her hands.]] / Girl: It's a textbook case of inconspicuous consumption. / Cat: Is what? / Girl: Black Macbooks. Designer jeans. / Girl: Announcing your wealth and taste with consumer goods. / Girl: Conspicuous consumption's hummers and grills can be decoded by anyone - even people who might find your wealth or taste questionable. / Girl: With inconspicuous consumption only people who share your taste can see your wealth. / [[Girl holds up the x-ray.]] / Girl: Yup - inconspicuous consumption. / [[Cat takes the x-ray from Girl.]] / [[He turns it right side up and hands it back to her.]] / Girl: Or it could be conspicuous consumption. / [[Girl looks again.]] / Girl: Or you might have tuberculosis.|
|The Funny Pages||[[Girl is reading the newspaper.]]
/ Girl: <
|Friday Night||[[The Beatnik Vampire sits in an armchair reading a book called "Your 401k."]] / [[He resolves to...]] / [[... put a record on the record player.]] / [[Loosen his tie and grab a beer.]] / [[Change his shirt.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire looks at himself in the mirror. He's traded his collared shirt and tie for a skull shirt and a zip-up sweatshirt with pins on it.]] / [[He ties a towel around his chin and brushes his teeth.]] / [[He gels up his hair.]] / [[He puts on sunglasses.]] / [[Yeah!]] / [[His head falls.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire, dressed for a night on the town, is back in his armchair reading "Your 401k."]]|
|Next Friday||[[The Beatnik Vampire, in a shirt and tie, sits at a desk in a cubicle.]] / [[He sits with his coffee at a meeting.]] / [[He eats a sandwich alone in the break room.]] / [[He sits in his cubicle staring at a computer screen.]] / [[He is driving home.]] / [[He gets into his home.]] / <
|Joke Time||Girl: Why did the indie rocker listen to Justin Timberlake? / Cat: Why? / Girl: Because mass culture was becoming obsolete! / Cat: I don't get it. / Girl: Indie rock embraces the obsolete - the disco rock, the VHS tapes - it's a cult of failure! / Girl: That's why it's embracing pop music now. / Cat: I still don't get it. / [[Cat holds up a chart. A jagged line marked "Indie" ascends from left to right.]] / Cat: This is the income of the average American - and THIS is the income of the average American indie rock fan. / Girl: It USED to be about failure. / Cat: Well WAKE UP Rip Van Torn! / Girl: Rip Van Torn? / Cat: Indie rock NOW is a cult of marginalized success. "The Shins will change your lifestyle." / Girl: I miss the failure. / Cat: It was something to believe in.|
|Alternate Universe Pageant||Girl: Do you believe in alternate universes? / Cat: Alternative to what? / Girl: This one. / Cat: Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I opened my mail.|
|Alternate Universe Pageant||[[Cat's wearing a tuxedo and top hat. He sits on an armchair reading the Financial Times. Girl is holding a bucket of paint up to him on a platter. Her face is dirty and she wears an apron.]] / Cat: What do poor people do? / Girl: Whatever we can. / Girl: What do rich people do? / Cat: Whatever poor people can't. / Girl: Oh yeah. / Girl: Like in Victorian England or Modern China, where the poor are thin from want of food and corpulence is a sign of success. / Girl: And people of means wear their clothes cut large, advertising their ability to overindulge in both food and fabric. / Girl: When in Modern America, where the cheapest food is fattening, it's being thin that's the badge of material success. / Girl: And it's all just rich people. Doing what poor people can't. / Cat: My toilet is at the end of a water slide.|
|Those Who Forget History||Girl: We don't know what we ate for lunch last week. / Girl: How can we know what happened two hundred years ago? / Cat: Hot dogs? / Girl: History is the lie most convenient for those in power. / [[Cat waves his umbrella.]] / Cat: Why do victors get to write history? / Girl: Wikipedia is the uncertainty of knowledge made official. / Cat: Maybe they have special pens. / [[Clouds cover the sky and lightning strikes.]] / Girl: The power of writing history into reality - / Girl: Finally stripped from the victors of the world! / Girl: Given to a couple of guys in I.T. / [[The skies clear.]] / Girl: Drinking instant coffee. Eating lunch at their desks.|
|Treasure Hunters||[[Cat and Girl are at the beach. Cat has a metal detector.]]
/ Girl: What are you hoping to find? / Cat: An unfair advantage. / Cat: A leg up in the world. / <
|Ancient History||[[Cat is sitting in an armchair, smoking his pipe and reading a book.]]
|Nature Attacks||[[Cat and Girl run from the bear.]]
/ Bear: GRRRRR
/ Cat and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA / [[They run into a closet.]]
/ Cat and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA / <
|Back and Forth||[[Cat and Girl play ping-pong. They hit the ball back and forth.]]
|They Ain't Makin' Shirts Like Jesus Anymore||[[A tee shirt reads "Jesus: Sweet Savior, King of Kings" a la the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup logo.]] / [[Cat's in the kitchen wearing an apron. He wields a frying pan with an egg in it.]] / Cat: What religion are we this morning? / [[He flips the egg.]] / Cat: Muslim, eggs. Jewish, eggs. / Cat: Christian, eggs and sausage. / Girl: Atheist. / [[A tee shirt reads "It was You Who he died for" a la the Yoo-hoo logo.]] / [[Cat considers.]] / Cat: Mallomars. / Cat: Isn't atheism like saying you don't believe in Bigfoot? / Girl: I've seen photos of Bigfoot. / Cat: But atheism is just a reaction to theism. / Girl: And Christianity's just a reaction to Yoo-hoo! / [[A tee shirt says "JESUS DIED FOR PEDRO" in Cooper Black.]] / Cat: You're just jealous of Christianity's parody tee shirts. / Girl: I'm a little jealous. / Cat: We'll make you one after breakfast! / [[A tee shirt reads "Pfft: There Is No God, Bigfoot is Real Though" a la the Pabst Blue Ribbon logo.]]|
|Commodity Trading||[[Boy sits at a kitchen table reading the newspaper.]] / Boy: WAAAAAAH
|Marxist-Waltonist||[[Grrrl is dreaming.]] / [[Television static.]] / [[Cat sits behind a desk in a beret, turtleneck and trench coat shuffling papers.]]
/ Cat: Ahem. / Cat: Capitalism is a fat man that sits on our chest while we sleep. / Cat: The time has come to rise up! / Cat: We refuse to pay the tariffs imposed by the ruling classes! / Cat: We will win the hearts of the proletariat with our everyday low prices! / Cat: This is the first communique from the revolutionary faction of the Walmart Peoples' party. / [[Cat and Grrrl stand in a Walmart. Cat wears an apron with a "W" on it.]]
/ Grrrl: <
|Lies About Animals||[[Cat, wearing a suit and tie, is lecturing in front of a blackboard.]] / Cat: Possums and Opossums officially split at the 1962 conference at Avignon. / Girl: Rabbits are born blind and wearing tiny rollerskates. / Cat: Bears are the only animals that understand gentrification. / Grrrl: Dogs are Baptists. / Boy: Mealworms disgust even themselves! / [[The Beatnik Vampire is drinking coffee in a diner. He wears a trucker hat with an American flag on it.]] / Vampire: Sure beavers are busy. Busy living off the government! / Girl: Elephants never forget. / Cat: That's why they drink.|
|The Most Popular Book in America||[[Cat is flexing his muscles in front of a mirror.]] / [[Girl enters the room.]]
/ Cat: I've been working out. / Girl: You do look larger.
/ Cat: And I'm wearing lifts. / Girl: Job interview?
/ Cat: In the United States of America, BIG is a virtue. / Cat: Our jars of mayonnaise and automobiles are bigger than ANYONE'S automobiles or jars of mayonnaise. / Girl: Jars of mayonnaise.
/ Cat: It's from the bible. Look it up. / <
|Full Speed Backwards||[[Cat and Girl sit in a car-like vehicle. They both wear goggles.]]
/ Cat: To the future?
/ Girl: To the past! / [[Clouds of dust kick up.]]
|Cat and Girl's Experimental Theater Company||Cat: JAZZ! / Cat: Jazz is America's second great indigenous art form. / Girl: The first was patent medicine. / Grrrl: The third is Myspace. / Girl: Drugs or booze in a glass bottle, calling itself a cure. / Cat: A gummed label that says "for colicky infants." / Grrrl: But drugs and booze ARE medicine. / Grrrl: Drugs and booze are a subset of medicine like weeds are a subset of plants! / Grrrl: The distinction is moral. / Cat: The distinction is law. / Grrrl: The law imposes morality where none exists! / Cat: Without weeds - / Cat: how would we employ our gardeners? / Girl: Without the war on drugs - / Girl: who would sleep on our jails? / Cat: Do they serve breakfast?|
|Hot and Cold Running Conflicts||[[Girl is wearing a gas mask.]] / Girl: Look what I found! / [[Cat is in the kitchen at the stove.]] / Girl: I'm another generation's apocalypse! / Girl: I'm the symbiotic relationship between humanity and warfare! / [[Cat gets mad.]] / Cat: Fine! YOU make dinner.|
|Judeo-Christian Pancake Party||[[Cat and Girl sit at a table - Girl with a cup of coffee, Cat with a bucket of paint.]] / Cat: A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. / Cat: Who do you ask to hold your drink while you go to the bathroom? / Girl: The rabbi, duh. / Cat: What if the rabbi has SNEAKY EYES? / Girl: Judaism is PRACTICE-BASED. Christianity is FAITH-BASED. / Girl: I trust those who follow rules they don't entirely believe more than I trust those who believe in rules they don't entirely follow. / Cat: Martinis are GIN-BASED. / Cat: But people make them out of Hi-C, Ecto Cooler and vermouth. / Girl: Heretics.|
|Buzzwords||Girl: Abstinence pledges. / Girl: Intelligent design. / Girl: Reeducating homosexuals. / Girl: The war for Christmas. / Girl: Jessica Simpson's cover of "These Boots are Made for Walking." / Cat: I can't wait for the rapture.|
|Obsolete Rites of Passage||Girl: Writing letters home from the Civil War. / Grrrl: A young geek getting her first "American Science and Surplus" catalog. / Girl: I never hear from my penpal anymore. / Grrrl: Welcome to globalism! / Grrrl: It's not exciting to talk to people anymore just because they're far away. / Grrrl: Souvenirs are obsolete! Everything from everywhere is available all the time. / Grrrl: Travel is a joke. The leisure class getting vaccinated to take photos of another continent's rocks. / Grrrl: A global tourism industry reliant on the idea of the world as safe and picturesque. / Grrrl: Never acknowledging how big the world still his. How confused it is. How scary. / Girl: Except for Dracula Adventure Tours. / [[Night. A vampire in a polo shirt holds a clipboard. A van is parked behind him.]]|
|Big Sky Country||[[Boy and Girl stare at the sky.]] / Boy: Ever think about what you'll do for the rest of your life? / Girl: Most people just end up doing whatever their parents did. / Boy: Predestination. / Girl: The unknown is scary. / Boy: But - the frontier! Social mobility! Change! / Boy: Predestination isn't American. / Girl: Tell it to Hank Williams XIV.|
|Behind Closed Doors||[[Girl reaches for the door.]] / [[She can't open it.]] / <
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