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Diagnosis Girl: I don't feel sad, really. / [[Girl is sitting in a doctor's examining room.]] / Girl: Just sort of empty. / Girl: What's wrong with me? / Doctor: Well - / Doctor: Your me-count puts you in the seventieth percentile for self-absorption. / Doctor: And you tested positive for stopping for a minute while putting on your shoes just to stare at your feet. / Doctor: According to the tests, you have cancer of the feelings. It is inevitably fatal. / [[Girl is left sitting alone.]] / [[Cat and Girl are walking together outside.]] / Girl: I hate a doctor with a sense of humor.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=594
Knowledge is Power [[Girl and Grrrl are sitting at a table. Cat wears an apron and carries a spoon. Girl is eating cereal.]] / Cat: Who wants belgian waggles? / Grrrl: I do! / Girl: <> / Grrrl: I was thinking of starting a Mission of Burma cover band. / Cat: English muffins? / Grrrl: We could call it "Mission of Myanmar." / Girl: Hold on - / [[Google]] / Girl: Five people have already made "Mission of Myanmar" jokes. / Grrrl: It wasn't a joke. / Cat: French toast? / Grrrl: I wanted to be that band. / Cat: Turkey sausage? / Girl: I don't think so. / Cat: Viola! I present the E.U. Platter! / Girl: Where's Luxembourg? / Grrrl: I-- / Cat: It's an incomplete metaphor. / Grrrl: I know there's no such thing as an original idea. / Grrrl: I just don't want to see the proof. / Girl: It's a condition of modern life. Get used to it. / Grrrl: Cereal grain is allowed to contain a certain percentage of rat feces. / Girl: Ptoo! / Grrrl: Do you want to know exactly how much? / Girl: I'll just have the waffle.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=596
Viral Marketing [[Cat's wearing a party hat and blowing on a noisemaker.]] / Cat: <> / Cat: There's a new stage of grief! / Girl: A What? / Cat: Baklava! / Girl: Baklava. / Cat: After anger, before bargaining. Baklava! / Girl: Baklava is a honey-sweetened pastry filled with chopped nuts. / Cat: Don't grieving people deserve pastry? / Girl: There is absolutely no reason why a pastry would be named one of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief unless someone is making money off of it or you are maybe possibly mistaken. / [[Girl leaves.]] / [[Cat looks at an envelope.]] / Cat: That would explain the check from the National Baklava Council.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=598
Listen To What the Statler Brothers Say [[Cat listens intently to the radio.]] / Radio: You can always find me here I'm having quite a time counting flowers on the wall that don't bother me at all playing solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one smoking cigarettes and watching / Cat: Who's Captain Kangaroo? / Girl: A prominent military strategist and West Point graduate. / [[Cat is listening to his radio and holding a hankie.]] / Radio: And the class of fifty-seven had its dreams - oh we all thought we'd change the world with our great works and deeds or maybe we just thought the world would change to fit our needs oh the class of fifty seven had its dreams / Cat: Does he outrank Captain Crunch? / Girl: Captain Crunch is in the Navy. / [[Cat goes back into his room.]] / [[Music is leaking out of it into the room where Girl sits.]] / Radio: Whatever happened to Gene and Tex and Roy / Cat: Who's Randolph Scott? / Girl: An actor. Cowboy movies. Are you listening to country music again? / Cat: Maybe. / Girl: You're just wallowing in other peoples' nostalgia. / Cat: It's catchy! / [[Cat sings and dances]] / Cat: Whatever happened to Randolph Scott has happened to the best of me / Girl: The best of you spent twelve years living with Cary Grant in "Bachelor Hall?" / Cat: It could happen to anyone.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=600
Conspicuous Presumption [[Cat and Girl sit a table drinking coffee.]] / Cat: BUUURP / Cat: I feel awful. / Girl: You should see a doctor. / [[A doctor's examination room. cat sits on the examination table. Girl is wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard.]] / Girl: Dizzy spells? Fainting? Shortness of breath? / Cat: I've been coughing up Ipods all day. / Girl: What color? / Cat: Red. / Girl: oooh / Cat: That's bad? / Girl: That's the worst. / Cat: What's the diagnosis? / [[Girl holds up a hammer to Cat's leg.]] / Girl: Does it hurt when I do this? / [[Girl hits Cat's knee.]] / <> / Cat: Ow! / Cat: What was that for? / Girl: Yuppie.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=602
 
Promiscuous Consumption [[An x-ray. Lungs with an Ipod snaking down between them.]] / [[Cat sits on the examining table in a doctor's office. Girl is dressed as a doctor. She holds the x-ray in her hands.]] / Girl: It's a textbook case of inconspicuous consumption. / Cat: Is what? / Girl: Black Macbooks. Designer jeans. / Girl: Announcing your wealth and taste with consumer goods. / Girl: Conspicuous consumption's hummers and grills can be decoded by anyone - even people who might find your wealth or taste questionable. / Girl: With inconspicuous consumption only people who share your taste can see your wealth. / [[Girl holds up the x-ray.]] / Girl: Yup - inconspicuous consumption. / [[Cat takes the x-ray from Girl.]] / [[He turns it right side up and hands it back to her.]] / Girl: Or it could be conspicuous consumption. / [[Girl looks again.]] / Girl: Or you might have tuberculosis.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=604
The Funny Pages [[Girl is reading the newspaper.]] / Girl: <> / Cat: Did Marmaduke die? / Girl: I was just thinking about Mary Worth living all alone and it all seemed so shabby and sad. / Girl: <> / Cat: Do you want any Zoloft? / Girl: No I don't want Zoloft. / Cat: Paxil? I might still have some from last Halloween. / Girl: I don't want Paxil! / Cat: You have a right to Paxil! It's in the Constitution! / Girl: Before or after universal suffrage? / Cat: Before, duh. "The pursuit of happiness." / Girl: But we're also given liberty to choose our own pursuit in life! / Girl: And there are more important things than happiness! / Girl: Maybe when life makes us sad - instead of treating the sadness - we should change our life! / Cat: Yeah! / Cat: What are we gonna do? / Girl: I'm gonna lie face down on the couch for a few days.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=606
Friday Night [[The Beatnik Vampire sits in an armchair reading a book called "Your 401k."]] / [[He resolves to...]] / [[... put a record on the record player.]] / [[Loosen his tie and grab a beer.]] / [[Change his shirt.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire looks at himself in the mirror. He's traded his collared shirt and tie for a skull shirt and a zip-up sweatshirt with pins on it.]] / [[He ties a towel around his chin and brushes his teeth.]] / [[He gels up his hair.]] / [[He puts on sunglasses.]] / [[Yeah!]] / [[His head falls.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire, dressed for a night on the town, is back in his armchair reading "Your 401k."]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=608
Next Friday [[The Beatnik Vampire, in a shirt and tie, sits at a desk in a cubicle.]] / [[He sits with his coffee at a meeting.]] / [[He eats a sandwich alone in the break room.]] / [[He sits in his cubicle staring at a computer screen.]] / [[He is driving home.]] / [[He gets into his home.]] / <> / [[The Beatnik Vampire changes into casual clothes.]] / [[He leaves his house, whistling to himself.]] / [[He sits at a bar holding a beer and smiling.]] / [[Behind him are two young men in shirts and skinny ties. Their shirts are distressed and/or covered in pins.]] / [[The Beatnik Vampire frowns.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=610
Joke Time Girl: Why did the indie rocker listen to Justin Timberlake? / Cat: Why? / Girl: Because mass culture was becoming obsolete! / Cat: I don't get it. / Girl: Indie rock embraces the obsolete - the disco rock, the VHS tapes - it's a cult of failure! / Girl: That's why it's embracing pop music now. / Cat: I still don't get it. / [[Cat holds up a chart. A jagged line marked "Indie" ascends from left to right.]] / Cat: This is the income of the average American - and THIS is the income of the average American indie rock fan. / Girl: It USED to be about failure. / Cat: Well WAKE UP Rip Van Torn! / Girl: Rip Van Torn? / Cat: Indie rock NOW is a cult of marginalized success. "The Shins will change your lifestyle." / Girl: I miss the failure. / Cat: It was something to believe in.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=612
 
Alternate Universe Pageant Girl: Do you believe in alternate universes? / Cat: Alternative to what? / Girl: This one. / Cat: Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I opened my mail.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=614
Alternate Universe Pageant [[Cat's wearing a tuxedo and top hat. He sits on an armchair reading the Financial Times. Girl is holding a bucket of paint up to him on a platter. Her face is dirty and she wears an apron.]] / Cat: What do poor people do? / Girl: Whatever we can. / Girl: What do rich people do? / Cat: Whatever poor people can't. / Girl: Oh yeah. / Girl: Like in Victorian England or Modern China, where the poor are thin from want of food and corpulence is a sign of success. / Girl: And people of means wear their clothes cut large, advertising their ability to overindulge in both food and fabric. / Girl: When in Modern America, where the cheapest food is fattening, it's being thin that's the badge of material success. / Girl: And it's all just rich people. Doing what poor people can't. / Cat: My toilet is at the end of a water slide.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=616
Those Who Forget History Girl: We don't know what we ate for lunch last week. / Girl: How can we know what happened two hundred years ago? / Cat: Hot dogs? / Girl: History is the lie most convenient for those in power. / [[Cat waves his umbrella.]] / Cat: Why do victors get to write history? / Girl: Wikipedia is the uncertainty of knowledge made official. / Cat: Maybe they have special pens. / [[Clouds cover the sky and lightning strikes.]] / Girl: The power of writing history into reality - / Girl: Finally stripped from the victors of the world! / Girl: Given to a couple of guys in I.T. / [[The skies clear.]] / Girl: Drinking instant coffee. Eating lunch at their desks.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=618
Treasure Hunters [[Cat and Girl are at the beach. Cat has a metal detector.]] / Girl: What are you hoping to find? / Cat: An unfair advantage. / Cat: A leg up in the world. / <> / Cat: Ooh! / [[Cat gets on the ground and starts digging into the sand with his hands.]] / [[He pulls out a rollerskate.]] / Girl: That does not count as treasure. / Cat: Everything's treasure to someone. / Girl: Who would treasure one rollerskate? / Cat: Someone with one foot. / Cat: And really, really good balance.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=620
Ancient History [[Cat is sitting in an armchair, smoking his pipe and reading a book.]] / <> / [[Cat opens the door. A wrapped package sits on his doorstep.]] / Cat: For me? / Cat: I don't see anyone else here, so it must be for me. / [[Cat brings the package inside to Girl.]] / Cat: The porch gave me a present! / Cat: I hope it fits. / Girl: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. / Cat: It doesn't sound like a horse. / <> / <> / [[Cat rips into the package.]] / [[A bear pops out.]] / Bear: GRRRAWR / Cat and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
http://catandgirl.com/?p=622
 
Nature Attacks [[Cat and Girl run from the bear.]] / Bear: GRRRRR / Cat and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA / [[They run into a closet.]] / Cat and Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA / <> / [[They shut the door.]] / Cat: We could change our names and leave the country. / Girl: I don't think that's going to help! / Cat: You have a better plan. / Girl: We could snub him socially. / Cat: The regatta isn't until the spring! / Girl: We could live in the closet until then. / Girl: We have to scare him off. / Cat: We'll yell until he goes away. / [[They open the closet door and peek outside.]] / Cat: Your children don't respect you! / Girl: Real estate prices won't stay this high forever! / Bear: GRAWR
http://catandgirl.com/?p=624
Back and Forth [[Cat and Girl play ping-pong. They hit the ball back and forth.]] / <> / <> / <> / <> / <> / [[Girl slams the ball down on Cat's side of the table.]] / [[Cat looks after the ball.]] / [[Girl smiles.]] / [[Cat is perturbed.]] / Cat: Who would send me a BEAR?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=626
They Ain't Makin' Shirts Like Jesus Anymore [[A tee shirt reads "Jesus: Sweet Savior, King of Kings" a la the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup logo.]] / [[Cat's in the kitchen wearing an apron. He wields a frying pan with an egg in it.]] / Cat: What religion are we this morning? / [[He flips the egg.]] / Cat: Muslim, eggs. Jewish, eggs. / Cat: Christian, eggs and sausage. / Girl: Atheist. / [[A tee shirt reads "It was You Who he died for" a la the Yoo-hoo logo.]] / [[Cat considers.]] / Cat: Mallomars. / Cat: Isn't atheism like saying you don't believe in Bigfoot? / Girl: I've seen photos of Bigfoot. / Cat: But atheism is just a reaction to theism. / Girl: And Christianity's just a reaction to Yoo-hoo! / [[A tee shirt says "JESUS DIED FOR PEDRO" in Cooper Black.]] / Cat: You're just jealous of Christianity's parody tee shirts. / Girl: I'm a little jealous. / Cat: We'll make you one after breakfast! / [[A tee shirt reads "Pfft: There Is No God, Bigfoot is Real Though" a la the Pabst Blue Ribbon logo.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=628
Commodity Trading [[Boy sits at a kitchen table reading the newspaper.]] / Boy: WAAAAAAH / <> / [[In the background, the toast is done.]] / Cat: What did the toaster do? / Boy: <> / Boy: What am I doing with my life? / Cat: Oh. / [[Cat talks to the toaster.]] / Cat: You're off the hook. For now. / Boy: <> / Boy: I've wasted the golden promises of youth! / Cat: You should've cashed them in while you had them. / Boy: I could've CASHED them IN?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=630
Marxist-Waltonist [[Grrrl is dreaming.]] / [[Television static.]] / [[Cat sits behind a desk in a beret, turtleneck and trench coat shuffling papers.]] / Cat: Ahem. / Cat: Capitalism is a fat man that sits on our chest while we sleep. / Cat: The time has come to rise up! / Cat: We refuse to pay the tariffs imposed by the ruling classes! / Cat: We will win the hearts of the proletariat with our everyday low prices! / Cat: This is the first communique from the revolutionary faction of the Walmart Peoples' party. / [[Cat and Grrrl stand in a Walmart. Cat wears an apron with a "W" on it.]] / Grrrl: <> / Grrrl: Do you every long for a time when revolution seemed imminent? / Cat: What do you think all these guns are for?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=634
 
Lies About Animals [[Cat, wearing a suit and tie, is lecturing in front of a blackboard.]] / Cat: Possums and Opossums officially split at the 1962 conference at Avignon. / Girl: Rabbits are born blind and wearing tiny rollerskates. / Cat: Bears are the only animals that understand gentrification. / Grrrl: Dogs are Baptists. / Boy: Mealworms disgust even themselves! / [[The Beatnik Vampire is drinking coffee in a diner. He wears a trucker hat with an American flag on it.]] / Vampire: Sure beavers are busy. Busy living off the government! / Girl: Elephants never forget. / Cat: That's why they drink.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=636
The Most Popular Book in America [[Cat is flexing his muscles in front of a mirror.]] / [[Girl enters the room.]] / Cat: I've been working out. / Girl: You do look larger. / Cat: And I'm wearing lifts. / Girl: Job interview? / Cat: In the United States of America, BIG is a virtue. / Cat: Our jars of mayonnaise and automobiles are bigger than ANYONE'S automobiles or jars of mayonnaise. / Girl: Jars of mayonnaise. / Cat: It's from the bible. Look it up. / <> / [[Girl leafs through a bible.]] / Girl: "But now, O Lord, thou art our father, we are the mayonnaise, and thou our potter." / Cat: "And God saw the light meat, that it was good: and God divided the light meat from the dark meat." / Girl: I didn't even know there was a Colonel Sanders translation.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=638
Full Speed Backwards [[Cat and Girl sit in a car-like vehicle. They both wear goggles.]] / Cat: To the future? / Girl: To the past! / [[Clouds of dust kick up.]] / <> / <> / [[Cat and Girl look around.]] / Girl: I don't think we're moving. / Cat: OK hotshot - / Cat: Next time we'll take YOUR time machine. / Girl: Let's ride bikes! / Cat: To the FUTURE? / Girl: Maybe deliberately moving through space is as close as we can get to deliberately moving through time. / Cat: Or maybe taking sepia-toned photographs of ourselves dressed as cowboys is as close as we can get to deliberately moving through time. / Girl: Maybe digging Teddy Grahams out of the couch cushions is as close as you'll get to eating dinner. / Cat: Reverse! Reverse!
http://catandgirl.com/?p=640
Cat and Girl's Experimental Theater Company Cat: JAZZ! / Cat: Jazz is America's second great indigenous art form. / Girl: The first was patent medicine. / Grrrl: The third is Myspace. / Girl: Drugs or booze in a glass bottle, calling itself a cure. / Cat: A gummed label that says "for colicky infants." / Grrrl: But drugs and booze ARE medicine. / Grrrl: Drugs and booze are a subset of medicine like weeds are a subset of plants! / Grrrl: The distinction is moral. / Cat: The distinction is law. / Grrrl: The law imposes morality where none exists! / Cat: Without weeds - / Cat: how would we employ our gardeners? / Girl: Without the war on drugs - / Girl: who would sleep on our jails? / Cat: Do they serve breakfast?
http://catandgirl.com/?p=642
Hot and Cold Running Conflicts [[Girl is wearing a gas mask.]] / Girl: Look what I found! / [[Cat is in the kitchen at the stove.]] / Girl: I'm another generation's apocalypse! / Girl: I'm the symbiotic relationship between humanity and warfare! / [[Cat gets mad.]] / Cat: Fine! YOU make dinner.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=644
 
Judeo-Christian Pancake Party [[Cat and Girl sit at a table - Girl with a cup of coffee, Cat with a bucket of paint.]] / Cat: A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. / Cat: Who do you ask to hold your drink while you go to the bathroom? / Girl: The rabbi, duh. / Cat: What if the rabbi has SNEAKY EYES? / Girl: Judaism is PRACTICE-BASED. Christianity is FAITH-BASED. / Girl: I trust those who follow rules they don't entirely believe more than I trust those who believe in rules they don't entirely follow. / Cat: Martinis are GIN-BASED. / Cat: But people make them out of Hi-C, Ecto Cooler and vermouth. / Girl: Heretics.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=646
Buzzwords Girl: Abstinence pledges. / Girl: Intelligent design. / Girl: Reeducating homosexuals. / Girl: The war for Christmas. / Girl: Jessica Simpson's cover of "These Boots are Made for Walking." / Cat: I can't wait for the rapture.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=648
Obsolete Rites of Passage Girl: Writing letters home from the Civil War. / Grrrl: A young geek getting her first "American Science and Surplus" catalog. / Girl: I never hear from my penpal anymore. / Grrrl: Welcome to globalism! / Grrrl: It's not exciting to talk to people anymore just because they're far away. / Grrrl: Souvenirs are obsolete! Everything from everywhere is available all the time. / Grrrl: Travel is a joke. The leisure class getting vaccinated to take photos of another continent's rocks. / Grrrl: A global tourism industry reliant on the idea of the world as safe and picturesque. / Grrrl: Never acknowledging how big the world still his. How confused it is. How scary. / Girl: Except for Dracula Adventure Tours. / [[Night. A vampire in a polo shirt holds a clipboard. A van is parked behind him.]]
http://catandgirl.com/?p=650
Big Sky Country [[Boy and Girl stare at the sky.]] / Boy: Ever think about what you'll do for the rest of your life? / Girl: Most people just end up doing whatever their parents did. / Boy: Predestination. / Girl: The unknown is scary. / Boy: But - the frontier! Social mobility! Change! / Boy: Predestination isn't American. / Girl: Tell it to Hank Williams XIV.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=652
Behind Closed Doors [[Girl reaches for the door.]] / [[She can't open it.]] / <> / [[Cat answers the door in a lab coat.]] / Cat: Do you have an appointment? / Girl: You're in my kitchen. / Cat: You mean... the world's first cryogenic facility for stray cats? / Girl: I mean my kitchen. / [[Girl is about to open the refrigerator.]] / Cat: I'm going to have to ask you not to touch the mausoleum.
http://catandgirl.com/?p=654
 

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