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Two Lumps [[Snooch lies on the floor sleeping and drooling. Ebenezer walks in.]] / Ebenezer: Dull, dull, dull. This entire day has been painfully humdrum. Ah well, I guess it's up to me to make my own entertainment with yon drooling slob. / Snooch: *zzzzzzzz* / Ebenezer: Great Hera's Dreadlocks! Snooch, wake up! While you were asleep, your brain melted and dribbled out of your head! Look! / [[Snooch startles awake]] / Snooch: Whuzzuh? AAAAAAAGH! / [[Snooch starts lapping up the drool]] / Snooch: Must... drink brains... back into head... getting... dumber... / Ebenezer: Oh yeah. This is much better than TV.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060127.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is hiding behind an ottoman.]] / Ebenezer: Why are you hiding behind the ottoman? / Snooch: There's a book in the living room. / [[Ebenezer is leaning over a book, reading it.]] / Ebenezer: "2006: Chinese year of the fire dog! Welcome to the Chinese year of the dog..." / [[Back at the ottoman, Ebenezer is also hiding behind it now.]] / Ebenezer: Move over, lard butt. / Snooch: Do you think they really breathe fire?
http://twolumps.net/d/20060130.html
Two Lumps Title: Progressive Logic According to Snooch / Snooch: Step 1: Oil is s'posed to help itchy, dry winter skin. / <<*ITCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*>> / Snooch: Step 2: Short'nin' is squishy oil you can eat. / Snooch: Step 3: I think I'm gonna throw up.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060201.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch sitting at the computer]] / Snooch: Benny! I need your help! / Ebenezer: For the last time, it's not THAT kind of mouse... / Snooch: No, I saw this page an' it said I need to take Cheeses into my heart! / Ebenezer: That's a religion site, Snooch. It's not "cheeses"-- / Snooch: An' then I remembered that vet site Mom saw an' it said cheese was BAD for your heart. / Ebenezer: So? / Snooch: So I think that's a mean trick an' I wanna report 'em to those animal cruelty guys! / Ebenezer: ...you want me to help you report the Jehovah's Witnesses to the SPCA?
http://twolumps.net/d/20060203.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch sit on the couch, looking curious]] / Mom: COUGH COUGH COUGH / Ebenezer: Nasty chest cold Mom has there. / Snooch: She just talked to a "doc-tor" on the phone. What is that? / Ebenezer: Oho! A doctor is like a vet for humans. Reaping what you've sowed, Mom. / Snooch: They have those??? / [[Ebenezer looking content, Snooch looking sad.]] / Ebenezer: Maybe they'll stick things up HER butt. / Snooch: Poor Mom.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060206.html
 
Two Lumps Mom: Okay, I'm up... gotta do.... things. Chores. Whoa... I don't remember painting the kitchen with pink elephants? / Ebenezer: Yikes. Sounds like Mom's still got a bad fever. Or some REALLY good cold medicine. / Snooch: HUN-GRY. / Mom: Right, right... feed the cats... big ol' can of gooshy... here you go... / Ebenezer: Well, I'll be dipped. It's seems she's highly suggestible whilst ill. The possibilities... / Snooch: YAY! / Mom: There y'go... enjoy... g'night Gramma... / Ebenezer: What the... these are CANNED PEAS, woman! We can't eat this! / Snooch: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM / Ebenezer: Am I the only one NOT on drugs in this house?!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060208.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is walking and hears Snooch]] / Snooch: Whee-hee-hee! Benny, you gotta try this! / Ebenezer: ... famous last words, indeed. What is it, tubs? / [[Ebenezer stops. Snooch is wide-eyed, his tail is whipping everywhere and he is batting maddly at used Kleenex]] / Snooch: LOOK! Mom must be feelin better, 'cause she made all these wadded up tissues for us to play with! Hee! / Ebenezer: Those definitely weren't meant for us, Snooch. You'd better... / [[Snooch, with his ears back and tail high, ponders the kleenex with wonder]] / Snooch: And the best part is, when you bat 'em up against the wall, they stick! / [[Ebenezer is hunched over and looks disgusted]] / Ebenezer: Ugh. / {{2006 James Grant/Mel Hynes}}
http://twolumps.net/d/20060210.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is approched by Snooch, who's halfway covered in baby powder]] / Snooch: Eeeeeeeeebeeeennnnnn...wooooo... / Eben: Great Caesar's Ghost! / [[Snooch sits up, very unhappy]] / Eben: Wait a sec. You're still alive, you're just coated in white stuff. / Snooch: Ohhhh... it's baby powwwder... / Eben: O-kay. And what's with the unearthly moaning? / Snooch: Tummyyyyaaaache... / [[Snooch lies down, obviously sick]] / Eben: So what's your important message from beyond, O un-dead one? / Snooch: Baaby powderrr don' taste like reeeal babies at allllll... uuuuughh... / Eben: Ha. Well, I hope you've learned your... wait, how would you...?!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060213.html
Two Lumps Superscript: Valentine's Day 2004: Consumed a full pound of Godiva chocolates in 5 minutes. / [[Snooch is sprawled, comatose with sugar shock, near a candy box]] / Mom: SNOOCH! NO! / Superscript: Valentine's Day 2005: Completely devoured two dozen roses (including leaves) during a commercial break. / [[Snooch is sprawled, looking stuffed and sick, near a flower pot.]] / Mom: SNOOCH! HOW COULD YOU?! / Superscript: Valentine's Day 2006: Raising the bar. / [[Snooch, looking hopeful, peers out from behind the dresser at a crude trap.]] / Inexpert sign: KuPiD LanD HEER.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060215.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer enters to find Snooch lying on the ground, his face covered with goo]] / Ebenezer: What the heck have you done, el blob? / Snooch: I found where Mom was hidin' a bunch of gooshy caramels. / [[Ebenezer sits, and Snooch gets up and walks off screen]] / Ebenezer: She's going to be furious that you ate her Valentine candy. AGAIN. Not to mention your face is covered in sticky evidence. / Snooch: That don't matter, I'll just give myself a bath right now. / [[Ebenezer's fur poofs out]] / Ebenezer: Snooch, wait, NO... / <<*SHHRIPPPP*>> / Snooch: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! / Ebenezer: Oh, that's going to take a while to grow back.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060217.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is hiding off-panel]] / Ebenezer: Let's see them already. / Snooch: NUH-UH! / Ebenezer: You're going to have to wear them until the fur you ripped off grows back, so you have to come out eventually. / Snooch: I don't wanna! / Ebenezer: Look, just think of them as "replacement fur" so you don't get sick. Nothing to be ashamed of. / Snooch: ...really? / [[Snooch appears in a neon green pair of overalls]] / Ebenezer: BWA HA HA HAAAAA! / Snooch: You said there's nuthin' to be 'barassed about! / Ebenezer: That was before I knew Grandma made them for you! HA!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060220.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer enters to find Snooch, who is lying on his back with a wet-looking stomach]] / Ebenezer: Snooch, have you seen -- egads! You've been slimed! / Snooch: Nuh-uh, it's handlotion an' I did it on purpose! / [[Snooch sits up]] / Ebenezer: Why in Bast's name would you do that? / Snooch: I'm tryin' ta make my belly softer so Mom will wanna pet me more! / [[Ebenezer looks quite annoyed, and Snooch looks sheepish]] / Ebenezer: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: the Cat Collective Policies clearly outline using HAIR CONDITIONER to promote hypnotically soft belly fur. Now rinse that goop off before I have to report you for violating Cuteness Ordinances. / Snooch: Darnit!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060222.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch looking surprised, Ebenezer looks on]] / Snooch: Waitaminnit... how did my fur grow back so fast?! / Ebenezer: Why, the Magic Cat Fur Fairies, of course. / Snooch: The what? / Ebenezer: Long ago, the Fairy Queen saw that we cats could never succeed alone in our quest to dominate the earth, so she gave us the Magic Cat Fur Fairies. While we sleep, they comb up our extra fur and scatter it around the globe! They must have worked their magic on your butt while you slept. / [[Three pink-winged fairies sprinkle hair on a sofa]] / [[Snooch looks pleased]] / Snooch: WOW! I GOT A MAGIC BUTT NOW?! / Ebenezer: Actually, you spazzed about the pants so badly, Mom spiked your gooshyfood with sedatives. You've been out of it for weeks. Doofus.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060224.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walking up to Snooch in front of the couch.]] / Ebenezer: Why the long face, Sasquatch? / Snooch: Last night... I finally got on the fireplace mantle and ate those candy bars, but they tasted gross. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of the couch.]] / Ebenezer: These "candy bars," they were the brown onces with the strings in them? / Snooch: Yeah. They smelled like candy but tasted gross and got stuck in my teeth. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of the couch.]] / Ebenezer: Mom's scented candle collection just lost a few soldiers from their ranks, I take it. / Snooch: And then a couple minutes ago I pooped a hockey puck.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060227.html
Two Lumps 20060301 [[Snooch walking up to Eben, wearing a cowboy hat, with a handkerchief tied around his rear foot.]] / <> / Ebenezer: What the hell... / Snooch: Howdy pardner! / Ebenezer: What happened to your leg? / Snooch: Ahm looking for the man who shot my paw! / <> / Ebenezer: Oh ho, very clever. But how are you making those jingling noises? / Snooch: I found out by acc'dent Mom keeps spare change in a candy dish. / Ebenezer: Oh lovely. So next time you visit the catbox it's going to sound like a slot machine in here.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060301.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is on the ground, looking sick. Ebenezer walks in.]] / Snooch: Ooog. / Ebenezer: Looks like that change finally worked its way through your system, I see. / Snooch: Not doin' that again. / Ebenezer: Well, at least a lesson was learned. I'm assuming the catbox is off-limits for now, then? / Snooch: Nuh-uh, it's fine. / Ebenezer: How the deuce did you manage that? / Snooch: Well, I knew it would be wrong to steal Mom's money, so I figured it should go back in the bowl where I found it... / Ebenezer: Oh no. / Mom (V.O.): What the-- AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060303.html
Two Lumps Heading: And Now: Cat Theology / With Eben & Snooch / [[Snooch and Eben sitting on the couch. Eben is looking at Snooch intently, while the latter appears dumbly excited.]] / Snooch: Hey, I been thinking. / Ebenezer: Oh, good grief. / Snooch: Mom feeds us, pets us, gives us a house to live in, and cleans up after us. / Eben: Yes, she does. / [[Eben is now curled up, Snooch has same expression as earlier, looking in the opposite direction.]] / Snooch: Mom must be God. / Ebenezer: WE must be gods.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060306.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch laying in front of the couch, looking stuffed. Eben off-frame]] / Ebenezer: Snooch, Mom just fed us. Why is the bowl empty? / Snooch: I have finally mastered the ancient Chinese art of Flowing Wind. / Snooch: Rather than eating, I can now inhale my food. By focusing my stomach muscles and concentrating, I can literally pull an entire bowl of kibble into my mouth with a single breath. / [[Eben in frame, looking irritated]] / Ebenezer: You suck. / Snooch: Hai!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060308.html
Two Lumps Snooch (V.O.): GUH. / [[Snooch has his nose in a book, propped open and up: "MODERN LEGENDS, by (illegible)". Ebenezer approaches.]] / Ebenezer: Trying to figure out the best way to lick the wall socket? / Snooch: This book sez what happens after you die. / [[The book falls flat; Snooch, visible, looks happy.]] / Snooch: An' this one story said that there's a huge vat of all the alcohol you ever spilled, and they dump you in it! An' you hafta drink your way out or you drown! / Ebenezer: A-ha. So a pang of regret for all your clumsiness-- / [[Snooch raises forepaws to the heavens, in rapture. Ebenezer is leaving.]] / Snooch: I MUST DEDICATE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO SPILLING AS MUCH VODKA AS POSSIBLE. / Ebenezer: ...then again, the definition of "Heaven" is a personal thing, I suppose.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060310.html
Two Lumps [[A black and white, phototouched picture of a garden scene, resembling a jungle wilderness. Two black circles, surrounded by bands of white, which could be flowers or eyes.]] / Snooch (V.O.): The amorphous blob skulks across the land, clinging to shadows. / [[Another black and white, indistinct photo of a forest---same scene from farther away. The two black circles with white bands are eyes, now joined by a set of freaky, human-looking teeth gleaming in the dark.]] / Snooch (V.O.): The shapeless mass oozes forward, set upon terrifying all with its hideous visage! / [[Ebenezer and Snooch conversing in the foreground. Snooch is covered by a heap of laundry stuck to him. Laundry basket, with conspicious dent in its own heap of clothes, in the background.]] / Ebenezer: And what have we learned about static electricity today? / Snooch: "Laundry fresh from teh dryer is not our friend."
http://twolumps.net/d/20060313.html
 
Two Lumps [[In a photograph taped onto a black scrapbook page, Snooch is wearing a wedding dress and veil, obscuring his eyes, while Ebenezer, wearing a tux with his tophat lying askew on the floor, glares at him]] / Subtext: Mel Hynes + J.L. Grant / March 18th, 2006
http://twolumps.net/d/20060318.html
Two Lumps Snooch: ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT THE DESPAIR IN THE PLAY, WHICH IS NEVER DEFINED AS SUCH BUT WHICH PERVADES ALL THE LACK OF ACTION AND GIVES THE PLAY ITS METAPHYSICAL COLOR, IS THE FACT THAT THE TWO TRAMPS CANNOT NOT WAIT FOR GODOT, AND THE COROLLARY FACT THAT HE CANNOT COME. / Ebenezer: That's as the case may be, but you cannot debat that... / [[Eben and Snooch both look very surprised to be seen by others]] / Ebenezer: Aaaaand we're back. / Snooch: DRAT! ERR, I MEAN... *ahem* I EAT POOP! A DURR DURRR!!! / Ebenezer: Let's just start over on Wednesday.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060327.html
Two Lumps Eben and Snooch Theatre presents: The Great Gatsby / by F. Scott Fitzgerald. / [[Eben and Snooch running like madmen]] / Snooch: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!1!!! / <> / [[Eben and Snooch run in other direction]] / Ebenezer: Why are we running around like insane chimpanzees? / Snooch: No F&*kin' idea!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060329.html
Two Lumps [[Theater poster]] / Eben and Snooch Theatre presents: _The Lottery_ by Shirley Jackson / [[Ebenezer and Snooch conversing, Snooch looking at a piece of paper, a bowl of round things next to Ebenezer]] / Ebenezer: You have drawn the spotted paper! The fates have chosen you to be sacrificed! / Snooch: But there was only one piece of-- / Ebenezer: THE FATES HAVE SPOKEN! / [[Ebenezer crouches, hackles raised]] / Ebenezer: To ensure there will always be gooshyfood, the law says you must be stoned to death. / Snooch: But those are dinner rolls? / Ebenezer: ...I didn't have any rocks. / Snooch: You don't got any thumbs, neither. / Ebenezer: ...CURSE THE FATES!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060331.html
Two Lumps Eben and Snooch Theatre presents: SIR GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT / [[Eben as wizard, Snooch as Gawain]] / Ebenezer: And the riddle you must answer, Sir Knight: What is it that women most desire? You have one year to find --- / Snooch: GOOSHYFOOD AN' BELLY RUBBINS! / Ebenezer: Ahem. Actually, actually, it's to have the choice on how to live their own lives. / Snooch: ... Man, I don't unnerstand women at ALL.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060403.html
 
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch Theatre presents: The Catcher In The Rye / By J.D. Salinger]] / [[Snooch lying on the floor looking stuffed]] / Snooch: Life sucks. Everything sucks. I want to die. Meer meer meer. / [[Eben's head sticking into the previous scene]] / Eben: Wait... Holden was a cat. Suddenly it makes sense. / Snooch: Wah wah wah. Meer meer meer.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060405.html
Two Lumps [[Art poster style]] / Eben and Snooch Theatre presents: THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME / [[Close-up of Eben's face and forequarters with look of predator stalking prey]] / Ebenezer: Today I hunt... HUMANKIND! / [[Eben wrapped around Mom's legs, with claws and fangs sunk into them]] / Mom: EBEN!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? / Ebenezer: This is strangely unsatisfying.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060407.html
Two Lumps [[Announcement panel]] / Due to circumstances beyond our control, today's strip is a rerun. / [[Panels are the artwork from the March 22, 2004 comic, with new text painted over the original.]] / <> / Snooch: Mow. / Mom: Back tha f*$k up, bitch! / [[Last panel is out of focus, with Ebenezer cutting in the front to "stop" the comic.]] / Snooch: Mow! / Mom: don't make me get my gat, cat! / Ebenezer: Start over.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060410.html
Two Lumps [[Playbill Style]] Eben and Snooch Theatre Presents: / Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde / Ebenezer: Success! This mixture will transform me into a creature entirely of my darker natures! I shall rampage through the night in a fury, wreaking destruction and chaos! / Snooch: Um, what's that mean in lil' words? / Ebenezer: I'll run around the house in the dark, howling and smashing things. / Snooch: Sooo... what's gonna be different from normal cat stuff? / Ebenezer: ...BLAST.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060412.html
Two Lumps [[Playbill Style]] Eben and Snooch Theatre Presents: OF MICE AND MEN / By John Steinbeck / Snooch: Oops. I broke mom's stuffed mouse. / Ebenezer: Mom's going to kill us. That was a stuffed animal from her childhood. She loved it more than her bunny slippers. / Snooch: TELL ME ABOUT THEM BUNNY SLIPPERS! / Ebenezer: Hold still, retard.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060414.html
 

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