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| Two Lumps | [[Photo rendering of the outside of a cafe. Digital text at the top of the panel reads "HEALTH: 100"]]
/ Electronic Text: I WANDER INTO THE MALL AND HEAD FOR A CAFE TO REPLENISH MY ENERGY / [[Photo rendering of a waitress making coffee in a cafe]]
/ Electronic Text: THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER MAKES ME A DOUBLE CAPP WITH EXTRA GOOSHYFOOD / [[Ebenezer sitting in the living room, wearing V.R. goggles.]]
/ Ebenezer: Virtual reality rocks. http://twolumps.net/d/20060908.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Eben sitting on bathroom counter]]
/ Ebenezer: One last time, Snooch: we are protesting the diet kibble by staring at Mom when she tries to use the toilet.
/ Snooch (off-screen): And that works? / [[Snooch entering with a stupid yet satisfied look on his face]]
/ Ebenezer: Indeed, passive resistance has a long and successful history of...
/ Snooch: Cool! I just passived on the kitchen floor! Job's done! / [[Snooch has left. Eben is still sitting on the sink, now with eyes screwed shut and covered by his paw, a look of defeat or perhaps exasperation on his face]]
/ Ebenezer: Stay calm, Ebenezer. What would Gandhi do... http://twolumps.net/d/20060911.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer and Snooch sit on a counter, as Snooch stares at the calendar page for September 2006.]]
/ Ebenezer: Hey, Snooch, what are you staring a-- / [[Ebenezer goes flying off the counter, eyes wide.]]
/ Snooch: 47 DAYS 13 HOURS 29 MINUTES 52 SECONDS UNTIL FREE CANDY DAY!!! / [[Ebenezer sits on the floor looking up at Snooch, who is still on the counter and staring at the calendar.]]
/ Ebenezer: What the heck, RainCat?
/ Snooch: THE SNICKERS CALL TO ME THROUGH TIME. http://twolumps.net/d/20060913.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Eben walking into the living room, where two empty flowerpots sit next to the couch and dirt is strewn across the floor.]]
/ Snooch: WHEEEEE HEE HEE!
/ Ebenezer: Did Mom start growing Catnip or something? / [[Eben glaring at Snooch, who is entering the room.]]
/ Snooch: I'm gonna be a FIERCE JUNGLE CAT!
/ Ebenezer: Okaaaaaay...
/ Snooch: Then I fig're I needed a jungle to practice bein' fierce in. So the whole room needs to be growin' plants! / [[Snooch sitting in the strewn dirt, looking worried.]]
/ Ebenezer: So you covered the living room with dirt?
/ Snooch: Yup!
/ Ebenezer: And are you feeling fierce yet?
/ Snooch: Nope. All the dirt makes me keep wantin' to use the bathroom, tho'. http://twolumps.net/d/20060915.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sitting in kitchen, talking to Snooch, who is offscreen]]
/ Ebenezer: I tell you, you're being DUPED, Snooch. Used as a pawn of the humans for menial... uh... means!
/ Snooch (offscreen): Nuh-uh! Can't fool me, it's right here!
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20060920.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sits on the couch, trying to read. Snooch is out of frame.]]
/ Snooch: HAY BENNY! I'M IN YOUR DISH, EATIN' YOUR FOOD!
/ Ebenezer: Whatever. Very nice. Shut up. / [[Ebenezer sits up, looking annoyed.]]
/ Snooch: HAY BENNY! I'M IN YOUR PAN, POOPIN' YOUR SAND! / [[Snooch sits on the floor in front of the couch, looking a bit set back, as Ebenezer leans over the edge of the couch wagging his tail furiously and looking really annoyed.]]
/ Snooch: HAY BENNY! I'M...
/ Ebenezer: You're in my NOUN, VERBING my NOUN.
/ Snooch: What?
/ Ebenezer: Can I read now? http://twolumps.net/d/20060922.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Parody of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General", from the musical "Pirates of Penzance" by Gilbert & Sullivan}} / [[Ebenezer sits in the center of the couch.]]
/ Ebenezer: I am the very model of a shedding individual, / Maintaining every surface with a coat of hair residual, / With static clung to porcelain and woven into furniture, / Embedded in the bric-a-brac and sifted through the literature. / [[Snooch enters the frame, appraising the modern-major-generalesque pose of his brother.]]
/ Ebenezer: The human acts of cleaning are to me completely risible, / As I waft forth a constant wave of downy fur invisible, / Strategic strikes upon all items humanly comestible, / My reign as King of Shedding is completely incontestible! / [[Snooch caterwauls as Ebenezer shoots him a glare and flaps his tail in frustration.]]
/ Snooch: Meeeeeemmmm'ryyyyyy! Allll 'loone in tha moooonliiiight!
/ Ebenezer: This is a musical, not karaoke, you dolt.
/ Snooch: I thought we were just wakin' Mom up? http://twolumps.net/d/20060925.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is on the couch with a straw in his mouth]]
/ Snooch: < http://twolumps.net/d/20060927.html |
| Two Lumps | [[A gecko crawls along the floor.]]
/ Gecko: I am a gecko. Not to be confused with... / [[A paw comes down hard on the gecko.]]
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20060929.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Back of Snooch's head, looking out a window at a bird in a tree]]
/ Bird: Bet you wish you could fly. / [[Front view of Snooch with a huge grin]]
/ Snooch: Bet you wish you could duck! / [[Snooch shooting a peashooter or blowgun]]
/ Bird off panel: What?
/ Snooch's pea shooter: PTOO
/ Bird: AAAAAIGH! http://twolumps.net/d/20061002.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Back of Snooch's head, looking out a window at a bird in a tree]]
/ Bird: Bet you wish you could fly. / [[Front view of Snooch with a huge grin]]
/ Snooch: Bet you wish you could duck! / [[Snooch shooting a peashooter or blowgun]]
/ Bird off panel: What?
/ Snooch's pea shooter: PTOO
/ Bird: AAAAAIGH! http://twolumps.net/d/20061002.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sits on the couch in the living room. Snooch flees into the room, ducking behind the couch.]]
/ Snooch: AAAAAIGH! HIDE! THE DOGS ARE COMING! THE DOGS!
/ Ebenezer: You don't say. / [[Eben glares at Snooch, of whom nothing is visible behind the couch but his tail.]]
/ Snooch: It was on the news! Someone let the dogs out! They don't even know who!
/ Ebenezer: The news huh? On the radio? / Ebenezer: This wouldn't be the same radio program that yesterday alerted you of the uprising by those who fought for our right to "party", would it?
/ Snooch: Yes!
/ Ebenezer: We live in a truly strife-ridden world, Snooch. http://twolumps.net/d/20061004.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting on the bathroom counter, leaning over and happily looking into the toilet.]]
/ Snooch: YES!DIE, HORRID BEASTY THINGS! DIE DIE DIE! / [[Snooch grinning at Ebenezer, who is offscreen]]
/ Ebenezer: What the blazes are you on about?
/ Snooth: Roaches in the toilet! An I'm gonna take credit for killing 'em! / [[Ebenezer is sitting on the top of the toilet tank, glaring at Snooch.]]
/ Ebenezer: Drowned roaches? How?
/ Snooch: I'mna put 'em on Mom's pillow! http://twolumps.net/d/20061006.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer approaches the Happi Paws disposable cat carrier]]
/ Ebenezer: Through vaccinations untold and temperature-takings unnumbered... / [[Ebenezer grooming in front of carrier]]
/ Ebenezer: I have survived my way home beyond the vet's office, and have regained the dignity you have stolen. / [[Ebenezer to carrier]]
/ Ebenezer: For my will is as strong as yours, and you are cardboard. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. http://twolumps.net/d/20061009.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer reading a book]]
/ Ebenezer: Hmm, according to the dictionary... / [[Ebenezer looking at dictionary, annoyed]] / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch who has arrived, looking upset]]
/ Ebenezer: You're right. Cat-A-Might is definitely off the list of feline superhero names.
/ Snooch: I told you. http://twolumps.net/d/20061011.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer walking away from a TV]]
/ TV: Hey, cat! Watch the news! Terrorists are everywhere!
/ Ebenezer: I would, but I need to go lick my genitals for a few hours. / [[Ebenezer spins around, hair on end]]
/ TV: YEAH, WELL TERRORISTS JUST BLEW UP ALL THE GOOSHYFOOD!!!
/ Ebenezer: WHAT??? / TV: Ha ha. Heh. Nah, just messing with ya.
/ Ebenezer: Did Berke Breathed put you up to this? http://twolumps.net/d/20061013.html |
| Two Lumps | Heading: SNOOCH HAIKU THEATER / [[Snooch sits with a Japanese headband as a blind fold, and desert background]]
/ Snooch: From the low desert... / [[Background now mountain scenery]]
/ Snooch: To the highest mountaintop... / [[Background shows singer and audience, with Ebenezer's head coming from one side]]
/ Snooch: Dropkick Murphys ROCK.
/ Ebenezer: Stop that. http://twolumps.net/d/20061016.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch and Ebenezer sit between the legs of Mom and anonymous repairman, looking pitiful]]
/ Repairman: Hi, I'm here to check the furnace?
/ Mom: Fantastic! It's giving this horrible smell...
/ Snooch & Ebenezer: MOW MOW MOW MEER MOW MOW MOW MOW MOW / Repairman: Yeah, we've had a lot of that... Um, I think your cats are hungry or something?
/ Snooch & Ebenezer: MEER MEER MOW MEER MOW MOW MOW MOW MEER / [[The humans have left, Snooch and Ebenezer look disgusted]]
/ Mom: Ha! Do they look like they're starving?
/ Repairman: Haha ... Yeah, totally right. So where's the furnace?
/ Snooch: But... I'm FLUFFY!
/ Ebenezer: ...worthless bald monkeys. I'll pee on the toolbag, you get a hairball in his hat. http://twolumps.net/d/20061018.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Email with subject line "d0 u want f1$h t0nit3?" from "f33durpusy@hotmaill.com" and text "eBay Winnar Not1se: U have wone auktion #478902, 40 Craytes of Smokeed Salm0n! To conf1rm, ple4se loggin with ur passwr0d heer"]] / [[Both cats are looking at Mom, who is sitting at the computer]]
/ Mom: Jeez, I hate these idiotic scam emails! Who do they think they're fooling, anyway? Next they'll be sending me warnings about bank accounts I don't even have, again... / [[Mom has gone, Ebenezer is in the computer chair and Snooch is looking on]]
/ Eben: Blast.
/ Snooch: So... all spam email is really from CATS?
/ Eben: You're not high enough in the Feluminnati to hear the full plan yet. *sigh* I just wish some of the members would learn to SPELL. http://twolumps.net/d/20061020.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch sitting with cheeks and eyes bulging, about to cough up a hairball.]]
/ Snooch: < http://twolumps.net/d/20061023.html |
| Two Lumps | [[A flowerpot filled with an overflowing gray mass, Eben to the left in hair-raised startlement, Snooch to the right looking quizzical]]
/ Eben: Hey Tubbs, what're you-- HOLY GRAPE NUTS, WHAT IS THAT?
/ Snooch: I been savin' up hairballs in here all month.
/ Eben: WHY??? / Snooch: For HALLOWEE'EN!
/ Eben: Some kind of trick?
/ Snooch: No, this webbernet site said that Hairy Potters was the best costume to have. / Eben: You spent a month yakking in a flowerpot?
/ Snooch: Yeah, but I can't figure out how I'm s'posed to wear it. I give up.
/ Eben: Chamber of secrets indeed. http://twolumps.net/d/20061025.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, whose face is buried in a food dish]]
/ Ebenezer: Are you finished yet? It's been half an hour.
/ Snooch: NRM-MMM! / Ebenezer: Could it be you're actually savoring your food instead of gobbling like a starved hog? Truly an admirable self-improvement!
/ Snooch: ...mm-mmph! / Ebenezer: But I'll lay my bet that you fell asleep and glued your face to the bowl again. Have fun with that.
/ Snooch: NRRM! BRNNY! HLLP! http://twolumps.net/d/20061027.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is seated at left. Snooch is walking towards him from the right, with a Folgers coffee can over his body and a saucepan over his head.]]
/ Snooch: I am the GooshyTron 3000! You will give me all your candy!
/ Ebenezer: Hallowe'en's not until tomorrow, Snooch.
/ Snooch: Yup! I'm ready! / [[Eben still at left, facing the reader, eyes slanted towards Snooch. Snooch appears to be seated, still at right.]]
/ Ebenezer: What about using the litterbox?
/ Snooch: Robots don' need one!
/ Ebenezer: Well, good thing you're above bodily functions, since you can't bend enough to reach the food bowl in that getup. / [[Wide-shot, Eben in front of the couch walking to the left. Snooch no longer in frame.]]
/ Snooch: AAAAAAAAIGH!!!!
/ Ebenezer: The screams of the anguished are better than candy. http://twolumps.net/d/20061030.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the couch. Snooch can be seen lying on the floor in front of it.]]
/ Ebenezer: An ode to my brother, the day after Hallowe'en.
/ Ahem:
/ There once was a cat like a mulcher / who ate till his belly did rupture
/ Snooch: "Ooongh..." / [[Snooch can now be seen in full, lying on the floor with his hind paws in the air. Eben is in "minstrel pose"]]
/ Ebenezer: On sugar he gorged / then chocolate he purged / In hairballs he made sticky sculpture.
/ Snooch: Uuuugh... / [[Eben leaning down towards Snooch, who has turned around, stretching his paws from him, tongue hanging out of his mouth]]
/ Ebenezer: Did you like it?
/ Snooch: ... kill meeeeee.... http://twolumps.net/d/20061101.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on a kitchen counter, glaring down. Snooch is not visible, being at ground level rather than countertop level]]
/ Ebenezer: Why...*why* is there grease all over the floor?
/ Snooch: I'M skatin' around! WHEEEEEEEE!!! / Ebenezer: You're going to catch seven levels of hell for messing up Mom's kitchen floor.
/ Snooch: NUH-UH! It's NOVEMBER! You're supposed to go SKATIN'! / [[Eben launching himself off the counter, presumably in Snooch's general direction]]
/ Snooch: Man! You can really get goin' if the bacon on your feet is at room temper'ture!
/ Ebenezer: And now you die. http://twolumps.net/d/20061103.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer on the couch]]
/ Snooch: [[out of frame]] Yo! Yo, yo yo! Where my dawgs at?! / Snooch: [[out of frame]] Where the dawgs at, yo yo!
/ Ebenezer: Snooch, for the last time, YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTER. Now shut up and let me sleep!
/ Snooch: No! It knows, yo! / [[Snooch upside-down sprawled, next to a yo-yo]]
/ Snooch: The yoyo knows where the dogs are. I must make it talk!
/ Ebenezer: [[out of frame]] How much leftover Halloween candy did you HAVE?
/ Snooch: A billionty? http://twolumps.net/d/20061106.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is watching Ebenezer walking to the right]]
/ Snooch: So the artist for this strip has "The Floo?"
/ Ebenezer: Hence the lack of updates. Come view his misery. / [[Both cats are looking at a pair of legs on the couch]]
/ Snooch: Wow. He looks like I did that time I ate the incense.
/ Ebenezer: Yet he lacks the fresh pine aroma you carried for a week. / [[Both cats are now on the couch, Snooch sitting loomingly on the armrest]]
/ Snooch: Let's pee on him.
/ Ebenezer: Agreed. http://twolumps.net/d/20061108.html |
| November 11, 2006 | [[Ebenezer stands upon the couch, one paw over his heart and another upraised, head turned skyward]]
/ Ebenezer: O frabjous day! A dream I never dared utter has been realized! I have finally indoctrinated my oafish brother into a love of the arts! What did you say you were going to recite again, Snooch? / [[Ebenezer sits upon the couch, one eyebrow raised. Snooch speaks from off-panel]]
/ Snooch: "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud."
/ Ebenezer: Ahh, Wordsworth. Sublime! So timeless! So beautiful... / [[Snooch enters wearing a sword and Cloud's haircut from FF7. Ebenezer glares at him from the couch]]
/ Snooch: "O Tifa! O Yuffie! Why is my hair not a pretty as Sephiroth's? Woe!"
/ Ebenezer: ...SO many ways for you to die. http://twolumps.net/d/20061113.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is looking off to the left]]
/ Eben: You are going to burn down the house.
/ Snooch off panel: Nuh-UH! I'm a AWS certifieded Engineerer! I know what I'm doing! / [[Snooch enters wearing a welder's mask and carrying a welding torch]]
/ Eben: Where the deuce did you get that rig anyway?
/ Snooch: Ebay is my very good friend.
/ Eben: Of course. Silly me. / [[Snooch has left and sparks are flying at the left side of the panel]]
/ Eben: You could just learn to operate the can opener one of these days.
/ Snooch off panel: No thumbs! DUH! http://twolumps.net/d/20061115.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Computer screen with the following text: DEER SANTA: I HAV BIN REELY GUD THIS YERE EVN THO MY BROHTER HAS NOTT. I WOOD LIEK THEES PREZINTS THIS YERE PLEEZ:]] / [[Scene pulls back to show the back of Ebenezer's head in front of the screen, which now has the following text: -1 POLLIEKARBONIT THURMAL FUZIN ENGIEN -A YURANNIUM PEE-YOU-36 ASPLOSIV SPACE MOJULATER -5 TUNZ GOOSHYFOOD I PROMIS TO LEEV OUT A COOKEY AN NOT EET IT. LUV, SNOOCH]] / [[Ebenezer is tapping the keyboard]]
/ Ebenezer: ...wonder if the Fat Man will fall for it?
/ Snooch off panel: BENNY! I GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN THE AIR VENT AGAIN!
/ Ebenezer: Better throw in a few more typos just to be sure. http://twolumps.net/d/20061117.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Both cats are watching Mom, who is kneeling in front of the fireplace]]
/ Mom: Brrr! All right, time to get the first fire of the year going...
/ Snooch: We catch another bird?
/ Eben: No, thank Bast. Mom's finally going to use the fireplace for its intended use. / [[Both cats are walking in front of the couch]]
/ Mom off panel: Okay, kindling is arranged... where'd I put that newspaper?
/ Snooch: I thought settin' fires was bad?
/ Eben: This isn't the kitchen. Here we shall have the warmth of glowing coals, the comforting crackle of well-seasoned logs... / [[Both cats are looking left at a cloud of smoke]]
/ Mom off panel: ACK! HACK! COUGH!
/ Snooch: Ew! It smells like when I tried ta eat the Christmas lights!
/ Eben: ...the stench of two years of cat hair sucked into the flue... http://twolumps.net/d/20061120.html |
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