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| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer comes upon an open book]]
/ Ebenezer: Hmm, what's this?
/ "The largest recorded percursor to the turducken is 17 birds, attributed to a 19th century French royal feast: a bustergophechideckneaealckideverwingailusharkolanine..." / Ebenezer: "...BUStard stuffed with TURkey, GOose, PHEasant, CHIcken, DuCK, guiNEA foul, tEAL, woodcoCK, partrIDgE, ploVER, lapWING, quAIL, thrUSH, lARK, ortOLAN and passerINE." / Ebenezer: SNOOCH GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!
/ Snooch: But...
/ Ebenezer: IT DOESN'T HAVE GOPHER OR SHARK ANYWAY!
/ Snooch: Aw, dangit! http://twolumps.net/d/20061122.html |
| Two Lumps | Ebenezer: ...by the brown knees of Abraham, never been so insulted in my entire life...
/ Snooch: What's wrong?
/ Ebenezer: Mom changed our cat food brand. / Ebenezer: This new "salmon and cheese" kibble tastes like nothing of the sort. In fact, it tastes like the Holocaust and the Rodney King riots would, if you could distill such a flavor. It's the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm not going to eat it.
/ Snooch: Um. You do remember that we lick our butts every day? / Ebenezer: Not for sustenance!!!
/ Snooch: I'm just saying--
/ Ebenezer: Shut up. Just shut up. http://twolumps.net/d/20061124.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch looks skeptically at the TV.]]
/ TV: Hey! It's almost Christmas!
/ Snooch: Um... nuh-uh? I'm still all fulla turkey! / [[Snooch stares at the TV in eye-bulging horror.]]
/ TV: Yes it is! And if you don't buy everyone you know a Gizmotron Robopastamaker 2000, the terrorists have won!
/ Snooch: ZOMG!!1! ...what's that mean? / [[Snooch bounds out of frame to the right.]]
/ TV: ...it means Santa won't bring you any presents.
/ Snooch: AAAAAAAA!!! TO THE INTERNETS! MUST BUY STUFF!!
/ TV: Heh heh. http://twolumps.net/d/20061127.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sits on the floor in front of the sofa and stares bemusedly at a cockroach wearing a Santa hat.]]
/ Ebenezer: What in the name of Loki's giblets are you?
/ Cholera: I am Cholera, the Christmas Roach! / Ebenezer: Roaches celebrate Christmas?
/ Cholera: Indeed! This holiday means piles of wasted food to feast upon, mounds of wrapping to nest in... roaches are the Spirit of Christmas Future! / [[An enthusiastic Snooch pounces on Cholera, sending the Santa hat flying.]]
/ Snooch: Bah yum-bugs!!
/ Ebenezer: ...and Bast bless us, every one. http://twolumps.net/d/20061129.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is on a counter where there are a lot of beer bottles. More bottles are on another counter]]
/ *CLUNK* *SPLASH*
/ Snooch off panel: Whoopsie!
/ Eben: Where in the eight planets did all this beer come from?
/ Snooch off panel: I'm doin' that 99 bottles a' beer song! / Snooch off panel: I rub 'em on my fur an' try to stick 'em to the wall!
/ Eben: ...that works with "99 Luftballoons", you corncob. / Snooch off panel: Well, I'm gonna drink this spill then try again!
/ Eben (tail lashing): How long have you been trying this over and over?
/ Snooch off panel ...what day is it? http://twolumps.net/d/20061204.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch has a headband covering his eyes. He is shown three-quarters in front of star dots and swirling galaxies]]
/ Snooch: Universal Truth: / [[Scene pulls back to show a much smaller Snooch surrounded by the galactic background]]
/ Snooch: My meditations take me far and wide across the galaxies. My place in the unvierse becomes clear - I am but a small part of the whole. / [[The galaxies have disappeared and blindfolded Snooch is sitting in front of cupboards]]
/ Snooch: Now give me gooshyfood or I'll pee on the sofa. http://twolumps.net/d/20061206.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Parody of "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin & the Chipmunks}} / Ebenezer: Alright, you ready?
/ Snooch: Werd up!
/ Ebenezer: Christmas, Christmas time is near! Time for booze and time for meer! We've been bad, but that's the past... Hurry Christmas, hurry fast! / Ebenezer: Want with fame to be imbued...
/ Snooch: I just wants some gooshyfood! / Ebenezer: So 'fore Mom finds our new misdeed, Please Christmas, come with speed!
/ Mom: EEE-BEEEEEEN!!!
/ Snooch: Heh heh, cool. http://twolumps.net/d/20061208.html |
| Two Lumps | [[1st in continuing sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer is sleeping on the couch]]
/ Voice off panel: EBENEEEEEZER
/ Eben: bwuh?
/ Voice off panel: WAAAAKE UUUUP, EBENEEEEZER! / [[Ebenezer sees something that looks like a bug in a pile of chains on the couch]]
/ Eben: I'm dreaming about bondage roaches. That's it, no more pate before bed.
/ Roach: I AM NO DREAM EBENEZER! I COME BEARING A GRAVE WARNING!
/ Eben: Who are you? / Roach: I AM THE GHOST OF MARLEY!
/ Eben: Bullpucky.
/ Roach: WHAT?
/ Eben: Bob Marley was a lot taller. And you have a distinct lack of dreds, you liar. http://twolumps.net/d/20061211.html |
| Two Lumps | [[2nd in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer is talking with roach who had identified himself as the ghost of Marley in the prior strip]]
/ Eben: I thought you said your name was Cholera.
/ Roach: ...I DO HAVE A LAST NAME, YOU KNOW.
/ Eben: At any rate, what's this about a warning?
/ Roach: I WAS GREEDY AND COLD ABOUT XMAS, AND THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT! / Eben: Working on a "chain gang"? Heh.
/ Roach: LAUGH IT UP! YOU WILL BE VISITED TONIGHT BY THREE SPIRITS!
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20061213.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Eben is approached by a guinea pig with a candle stuck to its head.]] / Eben: Stay away from my food!
/ Ghost: Chill out, cat. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, here to show you how you used to be.
/ Eben: A cute, innocent kitten? / Ghost: Please, you were megalomaniacal from birth. Now follow me.
/ Eben: Forget it. I don't believe in ghosts, especially undead rodents posing as candelabras! / Ghost: Follow me or I wake your brother, give him espresso, and tell him you killed Santa.
/ Eben: ... Lead on. http://twolumps.net/d/20061215.html |
| Two Lumps | [[4th in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer and the guinea pig carrying a candle watch a sepia-tone vision of Snooch playing with the ornaments on a tree and Ebenezer eating from a bowl of food]]
/ Eben: Why are you showing me this?
/ Guinea pig: To remind you of how things used to be, and could be again.
/ Snooch in the vision: OOOOO, PRETTY! / Guinea pig: You see? You were the spirit of generosity and love, and understood the true meaning of the holidays!
/ Snooch in the vision: Hay Benny! Can I share your gooshyfood?
/ Eben in the vision: Of course! It's Xmas! What are brothers for? / Eben: I'd also just come back from the vet's and was sedated out of my gourd.
/ Guinea pig: Nevertheless.
/ [[Ebenezer in vision is wearing sunglasses and his fur is standing erect]]
/ Eben in vision: And later we can play with purple wombat fuzzies!
/ Snooch in vision: YAAAY! http://twolumps.net/d/20061218.html |
| Two Lumps | [[5th in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Eben and guinea pig with candle, both on the couch, have finished watching a vision of Christmas Past]]
/ Guinea pig: If this scene does not touch your heart, we'll move on to the next...
/ Eben: Forget it, you furry lima bean. I'm not going anywhere.
/ Snooch from vision: I love you, Eben!
/ Eben from vision: I love you too, Mister Moose! / Guinea pig: But if you don't-
/ Eben: I didn't sign up for "This Is Your Life" and I don't want to see it. Sod off.
/ Guinea pig: Fine, you ungrateful furbag.
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20061220.html |
| Two Lumps | [[6th in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer is with Nightmare, who is wearing a green Christmas wreath]]
/ Eben: Oho! A true vision of loveliness visits me this fateful night!
/ Nightmare: Yes, a vision. The Ghost of Christmas Present. Incorporeal. No touchie. Capisce?
/ Eben: Blast! / [[They view a sepia-tone vision of a sad Snooch watching television]]
/ Eben: So what are we doing here?
/ Nightmare: Showing how your cold-hearted attitude affects everyone around you.
/ Voice on TV in vision: Buy holiday gifts now to show you care!
/ Snooch in vision: But... Benny took all my 'llowance... and the change I found in the couch. / Snooch in vision, now looking happy: ...I bet Benny's using the money to buy us a gift for Mom! Yeah!
/ Nightmare: You wasted it on eBay, right?
/ Eben: Hey! Getting 30% off an unreflected sphere of plutonium is not a "waste", woman! ...plus they had free shipping. http://twolumps.net/d/20061222.html |
| Two Lumps | [[6th in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer is with Nightmare, who is wearing a green Christmas wreath]]
/ Eben: Oho! A true vision of loveliness visits me this fateful night!
/ Nightmare: Yes, a vision. The Ghost of Christmas Present. Incorporeal. No touchie. Capisce?
/ Eben: Blast! / [[They view a sepia-tone vision of a sad Snooch watching television]]
/ Eben: So what are we doing here?
/ Nightmare: Showing how your cold-hearted attitude affects everyone around you.
/ Voice on TV in vision: Buy holiday gifts now to show you care!
/ Snooch in vision: But... Benny took all my 'llowance... and the change I found in the couch. / Snooch in vision, now looking happy: ...I bet Benny's using the money to buy us a gift for Mom! Yeah!
/ Nightmare: You wasted it on eBay, right?
/ Eben: Hey! Getting 30% off an unreflected sphere of plutonium is not a "waste", woman! ...plus they had free shipping. http://twolumps.net/d/20061222.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch rolls on the floor playing with the ornaments in the Christmas tree. Ebenezer, on the sofa, grooms himself, while Nightmare, the cat-ghost of Christmas-past, talks]]
/ Snooch: I bet Benny's buyin' Mom the biggest present there is on the innernets! This'll be the best Xmas EVAR!
/ Ebenezer: Pssh. My eternally gullible brother.
/ Nightmare: TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED, EBENEZER. / [[Ebenezer rests on the sofa, Nightmare disappears.]]
/ Nightmare: EVEN THE SPARK OF CHILDLIKE WONDER IS SNUFFED BY TOO MUCH CRUELTY.
/ Ebenezer: Bullcakes!
/ Nightmare: SEE THE FUTURE FOR YOURSELF THEN, FOOL.
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20061225.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Background is rendered in sepia colours, designating the past}}
/ [[Ghost of Christmas Future faces Eben, Eben bristles in shock]]
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: MRRRRR...
/ Ebenezer: HOLY MOUSECAPADES!!! / Ebenezer: Whoa! Hey! For one thing, personal space. For two, your B.O. has its own zip code. WHAT DO YOU WANT? / [[Ghost of Christmas Future points at Eben, Eben flees]]
/ Ebenezer: I'd say it's rude to point, but anything away from YOU has got the Miss Manners seal of approval.
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: ...MRRRRRR...
/ Ebenezer: Next lesson: elocution. http://twolumps.net/d/20061227.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch slouches unhappily on the settee, both are in sepia colours. The Ghost of Christmas Future stands behind Eben.]]
/ Ebenezer: So, we've had Past and Present, I'm assuming this is Christmas future? Bring on the robot slaves, already.
/ Snooch: Christmas is ruined again? Who cares. / Snooch: Holidays suck! Why hope for anything?
/ Ebenezer: WHAT?! Snooch, NO! You're like an elf with fur! You can't hate Christmas! / [[Snooch bristles at the Ghost of Christmas Future.]]
/ Ebenezer: WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU SON OF A DOG?
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: MRRRRR...
/ Ebenezer: Don't mrrr me, pal. You will NEVER get the smell of infuriated cat pee out of those robes!
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: MRR! http://twolumps.net/d/20061229.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Shady figure of the Ghost of Christmas Future points at a letter on the floor in front of Eben.]]
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: MRRR!
/ Ebenezer: Fine, but this better be a written apology. "Dear Client, we have received your letter regarding emergency overtime overseas this holiday to repay fraudulent credit debts and lawsuits..." / Ebenezer: "...therefore we are happy to notify you we can kennel your cats at the vet's office for Christmas?!" / Ebenezer: What is the meaning of this?
/ Ghost of Christmas Future: MRRR!
/ Ebenezer: My furry heine! How could anyone NOT want 50 universal bomb timers for Xmas?! http://twolumps.net/d/20061231.html |
| January 1, 2007 | [[Ebenezer looks on with concern at the amorphous ghost of Xmas future]]
/ Ebenezer: This... is horrible! I thought the future of my actions would lead me and Snooch and Mom to a life of luxury! I thought you were my FUTURE! What are you?! / [[Close up of Xmas future's hood, under which we see the Kat Karrier]]
/ Xmas Future: MRRRRR!!! / [[Ebenezer, paws over his eyes and tail poofed, cowers while surrounded by the inky tentacles of Xmas future
/ Ebenezer: AAAAH! No, this can’t be my future! There's no place like home! There's-- BLAST, I wish I'd kept those ruby-colored booties gramma made! http://twolumps.net/d/20070101.html |
| Two Lumps | [[12th in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer and Snooch are sitting on the couch, Eben is covering his eyes]]
/ Eben: There's noplace like home! Klaatu Barata Nikto! Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse--
/ Snooch: Benny, you okay? / [[Eben slouches over the edge of the couch, eyes black, while Snooch grins at him]]
/ Eben: It's... everything's okay?
/ Snooch: Uh, yeah. It's Xmas. Duh.
/ Eben: There's presents? A tree? Gooshyfood? / Snooch: Duh. Mom's even got eggnog! C'mon!
/ Eben (stalking off): You go ahead, Snooch. I've got to cancel an order with 15 angry nuclear suppliers via email. Then I'll go cure cancer and phone the Easter Bunny. http://twolumps.net/d/20070103.html |
| Two Lumps | [[13th and final in continuing Christmas Carol sequence]]
/ [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch who is sitting in front of the couch]]
/ Eben: ...that's settled, at least.
/ Snooch: Ready for Egg Nog now?
/ Eben: Nah, you go ahead. / [[Snooch looks aghast at Eben, who has jumped on the couch]]
/ Snooch: You feelin' okay?
/ Eben: Better than ever, Snooch.
/ Mom off panel: What's this email? Someone bought EVERYTHING on my wish list? Holy cow! / Snooch: YAY! This is the best Xmas EVAR!!!
/ Eben: And IAMS bless us, every one.
/ Mom off panel: HEY, KITTIES! LET'S OPEN THE PRESENTS GRAMMA KNITTED YOU!
/ Eben: Crap. http://twolumps.net/d/20070105.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is seated in front of the computer]]
/ Eben: Hmm, what's this? "Based on your recent GlobalDomination.com purchases, our system has some item recommendations for you!" / Eben: "You bought 'Uranium Isotopes and Radiation'. We recommend 'The Incredible Hulk, Season One'." What the? I need research, not entertainment! / Eben: "You bought 'Highly Effective Public Bombing Techniques'. We recommend 'The Best of Carrot Top'." ...okay, I have to give them that one. http://twolumps.net/d/20070108.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is blindfolded by a headband with kanji characters on it]]
/ Snooch: A deep disturbance Stops my meditative calm Earthquake jolt within. / [[Snooch's voice is coming from within a covered litterbox]]
/ Snooch: Straining exertion Forces the evil away Dropping into sand. / [[Snooch, still blindfolded, sits outside the litterbox. The cover is ajar and litter and poop are scattered on the floor]]
/ Snooch: I am tsunami Too much focused energy For your paltry pan. http://twolumps.net/d/20070110.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is walking in front of the couch]]
/ Eben: Snooch? Where are you?
/ Snooch off panel: I'b ober here.
/ Eben: Yikes, that cold sounds bad. / [[Ebenezer's eyes are wide open in amazement]]
/ Eben: HOLY OFFLER'S CRACKERS! What happened?!
/ Snooch off panel: Well, Momb ahways sez she tages a badth whed she has a ruddy dose.
/ Eben: Yeah, the steam would... oh, no. / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch, whose fur is all puffed up and stiff]]
/ Snooch: I doh't thig id worked too well.
/ Eben: Wow. Cat snot is Nature's hair gel. Who knew? http://twolumps.net/d/20070112.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch flat on the ground, looking down. Ebenezer enters.]]
/ Ebenezer: Why the long face, butternut?
/ Snooch: I got the blues. / [[Ebenezer sits down]]
/ Ebenezer: I think you mean you're in a funk. Bass guitars and fat beats.
/ Snooch: No, the blues. 6/8 timefeel with yowling old men from New Orleans. / [[Ebenezer turns his back to Snooch; Snooch rolls over to show his back to camera]]
/ Ebenezer: Well, just don't get all emo on me.
/ Snooch: I'm not talkin' to you no more. http://twolumps.net/d/20070115.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Close-up of Snooch weating goggles and a cape streaming out behind him]]
/ Snooch: Dunnn da da da dunnn, DA DA DUNNNN! It is... HOVERCAT! / [[Another angle of Snooch in the same pose]]
/ Snooch: Lifted high on a cushion of warm air, the super HOVERCAT flies around the world, fighting mean and scary things! / [[Zoom out to see Snooch crouching on the heater vent as Ebenezer enters the frame]]
/ Mom (offscreen): Why the heck is it so cold in-- SNOOCH! Get off the heater vent!
/ Snooch: NEVAR! HOVERCAT gains his superpowers from the Magic Heat Slotty Thing of Zarkon!
/ Ebenezer: Right. http://twolumps.net/d/20070117.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting on the computer chair]]
/ Snooch: Hay Benny! I haxxed joor passwords, lawl! You just been poont by da masta! / [[Snooch leaves the room as Eben enters, annoyed]]
/ Ebenezer: You did not. You don't even know how to right-click. Get out.
/ Snooch: Hee hee! / [[Eben looking at audience]]
/ Ebenezer: I really wish mom would stop leaving all those Neal Stephenson books lying around. http://twolumps.net/d/20070119.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch sits on the couch, facing away from the viewer.]]
/ Snooch: Benny says a rezzalushin is a promise we gotta make at New Years. / [[His face is now visible.]]
/ Snooch: But on the innernets it says rezzalushin is how good a TV picture is. / [[Eben is sitting on the floor below Snooch, who is now lying down on the couch]]
/ Ebenezer: So, did you finally come up with a resolution, a month late?
/ Snooch: I'm promisin' to watch more good TV.
/ Ebenezer: ...That's safe. http://twolumps.net/d/20070122.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is wearing four pink booties]]
/ Eben: RRRRGH! Not these blasted things again! Get off! (Shakes front paw) < http://twolumps.net/d/20070124.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer stares wide-eyed at Snooch, who looks the same as he did that time he drank an entire pot of coffee - fur standing on end and eyes wide with veins prominent]]
/ Snooch: EEEEEEIIIIRRRGH!
/ Ebenezer: Holy mother of funnelcakes! What the heck happened to you?
/ Snooch: I read about this guy gettin' cool superpowers from toxic waste! So I drank some! / [[Ebenezer, calmer now, looks at Snooch curiously]]
/ Ebenezer: Where did you get toxic waste?
/ Snooch: The book said it was glowin' yellow-greeny stuff! Mom had a bunch of it in the pantry! ERRRGH! / [[Ebenezer now looks behind Snooch at the eighteen empty cans of Mountain Dew]]
/ Ebenezer: ...so you've just drunk your own weight in Mountain Dew.
/ Snooch: I can feel the powers kickin' in now!
/ Ebenezer: Sure you can, Hummingbird Boy. http://twolumps.net/d/20070126.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer stares wide-eyed at Snooch, who looks the same as he did that time he drank an entire pot of coffee - fur standing on end and eyes wide with veins prominent]]
/ Snooch: EEEEEEIIIIRRRGH!
/ Ebenezer: Holy mother of funnelcakes! What the heck happened to you?
/ Snooch: I read about this guy gettin' cool superpowers from toxic waste! So I drank some! / [[Ebenezer, calmer now, looks at Snooch curiously]]
/ Ebenezer: Where did you get toxic waste?
/ Snooch: The book said it was glowin' yellow-greeny stuff! Mom had a bunch of it in the pantry! ERRRGH! / [[Ebenezer now looks behind Snooch at the eighteen empty cans of Mountain Dew]]
/ Ebenezer: ...so you've just drunk your own weight in Mountain Dew.
/ Snooch: I can feel the powers kickin' in now!
/ Ebenezer: Sure you can, Hummingbird Boy. http://twolumps.net/d/20070126.html |
| Two Lumps | {{All scenes are drawn in a childish manner--see Feb. 2, 2007 strip for explanation}}
/ [[Snooch, holding an object labeled 'Hammer', is pounding on a building labeled 'Shed'. There is an object labeled 'Nails' next to him. Sound effects--BANG BANG BANG]] / [[Small Snooch next to five buildings. Sound effects--BANG BANG BANG]] / [[Ebenezer enters]]
/ Eben: STOP SHEDDING http://twolumps.net/d/20070129.html |
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