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| Two Lumps | Snooch: BENNYYYY! Come quick!
/ Ebenezer: What's the ruckus?
/ Snooch: THE CARPET LINT HAS COME ALIVE! / Ebenezer: It's just a caterpillar, fuzz-for-neurons.
/ Snooch: Why's it climbin' the sofa?
/ Ebenezer: They eat leaves, so they probably think any high ground is a tree. Furniture, walls... / Mom: AAAAIEEEEEEEIIIIGGGHHHHH!!
/ Ebenezer: ...Mom's pant legs...
/ Snooch: That's gotta tickle. http://twolumps.net/d/20070620.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is climbing down the couch]]
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20070622.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the couch, an open book in front of him, reading.]]
/ Snooch: (off-frame) Benny! There's a girl cat outside the open window! Come say hi!
/ Ebenezer: I don't have time to talk to your imaginary friends now.
/ Snooch: (off-frame) Fine! I think she's cute, even if she does have a pointy nose! / [[Ebenezer looks up.]]
/ Ebenezer: Uh-huh... Wait, WHAT does she look like?
/ Snooch: (off-frame) Like I said, a pointy nose, and her tail's totally fluffy an' it's got these black an' white stripes on i--AAAUGH! / [[Snooch has come near the couch. The reek is visibly rising off of him. Ebenezer has jumped off, and is walking out. The book's fallen on the ground.]]
/ Snooch: ...does this make me her territory now?
/ Ebenezer: Yes. You're an official Republic of Skunkania.
/ Snooch: Girls are weird. http://twolumps.net/d/20070625.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is in front of the couch, reeking "visibly" of skunk. Ebenezer is sitting on the couch, extremely unimpressed if not outright angry.]]
/ Snooch: Aw man... how'm I gonna get this stink off?
/ Ebenezer: You could always give yourself a bath.
/ Snooch: EWWWW! No WAY! / [[Midway through the conversation in this panel, Snooch starts running out.]]
/ Ebenezer: Well unless you find and artificial tongue to do it, I don't see how---
/ Snooch: OH YEAH! Mom's got one in the fridge, I saw it!
/ Ebenezer: What? I think the fumes have gone to your brain. / [[Snooch is now out of frame; Ebenezer is walking off in the opposite direction.]]
/ Snooch: Says right here on the label: Cow Tongue! Now I just gotta roll on it...
/ Ebenezer: I wonder if I can cauterize my nostrils before having to go back in the kitchen. http://twolumps.net/d/20070627.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is in the "Kit-e Karrier" and is invisible to the viewer. Ebenezer is sitting outside the carrier and wearing a gas mask.]]
/ Snooch: EBEN! HELP! MOM PUT ME IN THE CARRIER AFTER WASHING ME IN BLOOD! SHE'S CRAZY!
/ Ebenezer: That wasn't blood, numbskull. / Snooch: OH YEAH? THEN WHAT WAS THAT RED STUFF?
/ Ebenezer: Tomato juice. It's supposed to help ease the deadly stench. / Snooch: But... uh, what's the red stuff in a Bloody Mary then?
/ Ebenezer: _NOT BLOOD_. http://twolumps.net/d/20070629.html |
| Two Lumps | Mom [off-panel]: Hello? Yes, my cat got sprayed by a skunk...
/ Snooch [from inside kitty carrier]: So now what?
/ Ebenezer: I'm sure the vet will know what to do. / Mom: No, I tried that. Is there anything else I can do?
/ Snooch: I DON'T WANT TOMATOES IN MY BUTT.
/ Ebenezer: Chill out, funkenstein. I'm sure there's an advanced scientific cure. / Mom: ...WHAT?! You want me to pour DOUCHE on my CAT?
/ Snooch: What's a doosh?
/ Ebenezer: A product I don't think will be using "gets rid of skunk smell" as their slogan anytime soon. http://twolumps.net/d/20070702.html |
| Two Lumps | <<*RATTLE RATTLE CLICK*>>
/ Ebenezer [looking toward the sound]: Finally, sounds like Mom's home from the store.
/ Snooch [in kitty carrier]: Mannn, I don't want another bath! / Woman [shown from about the knee down, in bathrobe and slippers]: Okay, I'm here. How long do you need me to watch them?
/ Ebenezer [all spiked out, upset, eyes bugging]: THE NEIGHBOR LADY!
/ Woman: What do you MEAN, until you make BAIL?
/ Snooch: What's goin' on? / Ebenezer [shown stepping out of the frame, just his tail]: Egads, Mom's a master criminal!
/ Woman: Wait, WHY would you tell the cashier you needed 15 boxes of douche for your CAT at 3 AM?!
/ Ebenezer: ...or not. http://twolumps.net/d/20070704.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer still in front of the couch; Snooch enters stage left, this time visibly reeking of... flowers?]]
/ Ebenezer: Ah, so I see you're done with the HOLY BAST WHAT IS THAT SMELL.
/ Snooch: I smell like a flower! / [[Ebenezer wears a very nonplussed expression.]]
/ Ebenezer: You smell like 500 acres of flowers pickled in vinegar.
/ Snooch: It's "Spring Mountain Petal Rain Breeze" and I like it! So there! / [[Snooch sulks.]]
/ Ebenezer: Wow... I didn't know you were so passionate about it.
/ Snooch: SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE TO FEEL PRETTY. OKAY? http://twolumps.net/d/20070706.html |
| Two Lumps | TV: Hey, cat! Have you checked out the coming fall lineup on the big stations?
/ Eben: No, I have other things to do. / TV: What? C'mon dude! We have all new reality shows! Dancing With the Cooks! Celebrity Tax Filing! And the super-X-Treme America's Top Millionaire Drift Racing! / TV: Hey! Get back here!
/ Eben: No.
/ TV: Damn you! http://twolumps.net/d/20070709.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer and Snooch, dressed as hip-hop rapsters, are sitting on the couch. Eben is wearing a black jersey and a backwards black ballcap which covers his eyes. Snooch is wearing a gold-trimmed purple jacket, a gold-trimmed purple hat, and sunglasses]]
/ Eben: It's gettin' dark in here! So give us all your food!
/ Snooch: It is, gettin' so dark... I want mah gooshyfood now! / Eben: Why you in the kitchen if you ain't openin' cans? What good's opposin' thumbs if you ain't usin' your hands? I see the night is fallin', you're just rattlin' pans! You'll regret if you don' listen to our feline demands!
/ Snooch: I SAID, IT'S GETTIN' DARK IN HERE! SO GIVE US-- / [[Snooch's shades fall off and Eben peers from beneath the ballcap]]
/ Mom offpanel: It is NOT nighttime yet, it's just overcast! Dinner isn't for 5 more hours!
/ Snooch: That's a dirty trick!
/ Eben: Yes, Mother Nature can be a vile temptress. http://twolumps.net/d/20070711.html |
| Two Lumps | << Munch Munch Crunch >> / << Munch Munch CRACK! >> / Snooch: AGHK! Bleah! Ptooey! Plastic! Ugh! Ptooey! Ptoo!
/ Ebeneezer: We go through more food bowls this way. http://twolumps.net/d/20070713.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch in a beret]]
/ Snooch: My newest groove, you dig? "Dinner Desert" / Snooch: No can do the can
/ When ya got a bag on the floor
/ Her hands votin' her can opener
/ to the drawer. / Snooch: Dry, moistureless
/ The kibble of establishment
/ My flag is gooshy
/ A butterfly in a meat storm.
/ Ebenezer: Word. http://twolumps.net/d/20070716.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is crouching next to Ebenezer, who is lying flat on the floor, whiskers drooping and tongue sticking out]]
/ Snooch: What's up? You didn't eat the crumbs I left in the food bowl.
/ Eben: I'm sick. / [[Snooch turns to reach up to the couch cushion, Ebenezer glares]]
/ Snooch: Oooo! Yeah, I got sick on the first day of the year! Remember?
/ Eben: *cough* That wasn't sick. You drank too much booze and had a hangover. / [[Snooch jumps on the couch, Ebenezer grimaces]]
/ Snooch: Yeah, I just threw up in Mom's shoes five times and then I was feelin' fine! You should try that!
/ Eben: Can you PLEASE shut up and go away? http://twolumps.net/d/20070718.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is lying flat on the floor, whiskers drooping and tongue sticking out]]
/ Eben: Yugh... Guh. Bleah. Dammit. / [[Ebenezer slinks out of the room]] / [[View of couch in room, only other item is a green exploding sound balloon labeled BARF]] / [[View of couch, green sound balloon is gone]]
/ Eben offpanel: I sure hope Mom has some odor eaters. http://twolumps.net/d/20070720.html |
| Two Lumps | Snooch: Sunset's colors glow. / Snooch: Pastel layers melt softly / Snooch: ...Now I want sherbet.
/ Ebenezer: Good for you. http://twolumps.net/d/20070723.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the couch washing himself, Snooch is looking up at him]]
/ Eben: I think Mom's got a cold again.
/ Snooch: RLY? / [[Snooch joins Ebenezer on the couch]]
/ Eben: Don't know if you've noticed, but she seems to have filled the cat box with kibble instead of sand.
/ Snooch: That's AWESOME! / Snooch: Now I can just sit in there and eat and-
/ Eben: Shut. Up. http://twolumps.net/d/20070725.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is dancing in front of the TV, a video game remote is lying on the floor. Snooch has a mohawk and is wearing a studded choke collar and two wrist bracelets]]
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20070727.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is walking in front of the couch]]
/ Snooch off panel: Groannn...
/ Eben: Ah, I see you're back from getting your teeth cleaned.
/ Snooch off panel: Nuh-uh. Ah wen to tha thircuth! / [[Ebenezer sits]]
/ Eben: Why the deuce do you think it was a circus?
/ Snooch off panel: Ah goth gottin ganny!
/ Eben: That's not cotton candy! It's cotton cotton! The veterinarian-- / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch on the couch. Snooch has stuff sticking out of his mouth]]
/ Snooch: YER JUTH JELLIS! ITH MINE!
/ Eben: You're in for a world of disappointment when the novocaine wears off, pal. http://twolumps.net/d/20070730.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is obviously extremely wired, frizzed out, and grimacing. In front of him is a small mountain of white powder, some straws and other paraphernalia]]
/ Snooch: NYEEEAARRRRGH!!
/ Ebenezer: [Entering Stage Right] What in Persephone's Pomegranates did you DO?
/ Snooch: I saw on VH1 these guys an' they had a bunch of powder an' straws an' it looked like fun so I tried some! / Ebenezer: [sitting, leaning away from Snooch, incredulously] You tried COCAINE?
/ Snooch: [still wired] I think so. Way under the couch there was a whole box of powder an' straws. / Ebenezer: [Looking at the remains of a box and crumpled straws] Tell me you didn't actually SNORT an entire box of Pixie Stix from 1987.
/ Snooch: [Worse] I don' wanna be a rock star no more now. http://twolumps.net/d/20070801.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch, with a manic look on his face, is sitting in a huge bunch of colored balls--red, green blue, yellow, and fuchsia]]
/ Snooch: BALLS!!!!!! / [[Snooch is on his back playing with the colored balls]]
/ Snooch: BALLS!!!!!! BALLS!!!!!! BALLS!!!!!! / [[Snooch and Ebenezer are on the couch, Snooch sleeping, Ebenezer awake and annoyed]]
/ Snooch: ...zzzBALLS!... ...Balls... zzz... BALLS! http://twolumps.net/d/20070803.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch sits in a moonbeam, staring out a window, up at the stars.]]
/ Snooch: Twinkle, twinkle, little star! How I wonder what you arrrrrre! / Snooch: I think they're mice.
/ On fire. http://twolumps.net/d/20070806.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting in front of the couch, reading from a text book. Snooch is out of view, to the right.]] / Ebenezer: Ahem. "Pressure is directly proportional to the force and inversely proportional to the area affected."
/ Snooch: I don' get it. / Ebenezer: It means that weight on a point exerts more far pressure than weight over a broad area.
/ Snooch: Ya still lost me. / [[The view broadens to include a sad looking Snooch, who has sunk up to his neck in the carpet.]] / Ebenezer: It means no more playing "ballerina en pointe", oleo-butt.
/ Snooch: Awwwwww... http://twolumps.net/d/20070808.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sits, watching television]]
/ TV Announcer: The probability is that the original cat was a very faintly striped African Wildcat, such as is found around the edges of the deserts even today, which was quickly bred into many varieties by man. / TV Announcer: There is also strong evidence to show that the cat was domesticated several times in differing locales, and that the modern cat is actually a composite of these various early domestics. / TV Announcer: More on "Cats in History" after this short break!
/ Ebenezer: Oddly enough, they still suspect nothing.
/ [[Ebenezer walks away from television]] http://twolumps.net/d/20070810.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is laying sideways on a skateboard, facing away from us.]] / Snooch: EBEN! I FIGURED IT OUT!!! / [[Ebenezer appears and sits next to the skateboard on which Snooch is still laying.]] / Snooch: Okay, first you push me to the food bowl, then over to that spot of sunlight. Half an hour later, roll me over to Mom for pettins. / [[All that can now be seen of Ebenezer is his tail, as he walks away. Snooch is still laying on the skateboard.]] / Snooch: Ready? on three! one... two... http://twolumps.net/d/20070813.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is laying on his stomach, legs out to both sides, tongue sticking out, eyes buggy, obviously sick to his stomach. Ebenezer sits next to him.]]
/ Snooch: Uuuurgh.
/ Ebenezer: Peeps again?
/ Snooch: Nuh-uh. I tried summa that Hollywood Super Diet stuff. / [[Ebenezer walks past Snooch, who is still laying there.]]
/ Ebenezer: All that stuff does is make you go to the bathroom.
/ Snooch: Yeah, I know. Ugggh...
/ Ebenezer: Well, "by suffering comes wisdom." / [[Snooch still lays there. Ebenezer has walked off to the right. All that can be seen of him is his tail, hair puffed out with fear.]]
/ Snooch: In that case the litterbox is smarter than both of us right now.
/ Ebenezer: AAAAUGH!!! http://twolumps.net/d/20070815.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch lies upside-down next to the toilet]]
/ Snooch: Freak OUT! ...the colors... / Ebenezer: Ye gods. / Ebenezer: Huffing the Toilet Duck fumes is in no way dignified.
/ Snooch: It's MINTY!
/ Ebenezer: Face it: you have a problem. http://twolumps.net/d/20070817.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting in front of the computer, watching the sceen.]]
/ Snooch: Hee hee! Yiff! Yiff! Yiffy Yiff!
/ Ebenezer: Holy Bast! What are you looking at!?
/ Snooch: Just some doggies. / [[Snooch still sitting in front of the computer, but now he is looking down at Ebenezer, a sad look on his face. Ebenezer is sitting on the floor, looking up at Snooch.]]
/ Ebenezer: Those are people in dog suits, Snooch. And they're doing some very naughty things.
/ Snooch: Aww... / [[Snooch looks back at the computer screen, smiling again.]]
/ Ebenezer: What did you think "yiff" meant, anyway?
/ Snooch: It sounded like a doggie with its mouth full!
/ Ebenezer: Eee-yikes. http://twolumps.net/d/20070820.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is watching television, expression somewhat startled]]
/ Television voice: Hot dogs are typically prepared commercially by mixing all of the ingredients (meats, spices, binders and fillers, if any) in large vats where rapidly moving blades grind and mix the ingredients in the same operation, assuring a homogeneous product. / [[Snooch now looks pained]]
/ Television voice: This mixture is then forced through tubes into casings for cooking. / [[Snooch's expression is now wide-eyed horror]]
/ Television voice: Most hot dogs sold in the US are called "skinless" as opposed to more expensive "natural casing" hot dogs. http://twolumps.net/d/20070822.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting in front of a bowl of gooshy food, Ebenezer enters from right]]
/ Snooch: Mooooo?
/ Ebenezer: What the HELL are you doing? / Snooch: The teevee program said gooshy food is made of cows and horses.
/ Ebenezer: What of it?
/ Snooch: I gotta make sure it's not alive. / Snooch: Moooooooooo?
/ Ebenezer: If it answers back, can I have it? http://twolumps.net/d/20070824.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is running]]
/ Narrator: He's off and flyin' as the hurls his fat around the room...
/ He's jammin' all-out now with no sense of impending doom... / Ebenezer: Concussion's waiting' just aheaaaaaaaad...
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20070827.html |
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