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Two Lumps [[Snooch lies drunk next to a food bowl full of something unidentifiable while Ebenezer looks disgusted]] / Snooch: Shoopsh on! / Ebenezer: Let's see what you've EUURGH. / [[Ebenezer goes to get something]] / Ebenezer: I guess yesterday was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke. Like the old axiom about Shakespeare. / Snooch: Whuh? I din' use no shakes. Or beer. I drank all the beer. / [[Ebenezer is back, wearing a gas mask]] / Ebenezer: No, how you take an infinite number of typewriters and monkeys... / Snooch: Oh, I DID use somma them! / Ebeneezer: I'd ask, but I don't want to know.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080321.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting and crying as Ebenezer approaches him]] / Snooch: MOOOoooOOOoooOOOMMM I NEEDS TEH PETTINNNnnnNNNS! / Eben: She's not here, you blubber banshee. She's at her man-friend's for the weekend. / Snooch: ARGH! / Eben: Chill out, she left enough food to last us a month. / Snooch: I just don' like that guy. / Eben: Well, the psychological threat manifests from your subconscious fear of replacement in her affection... / [[Snooch dejectedly lays down while Ebenezer watches]] / Snooch: Naw, it's just guys are no good to lie on. They don't have the cat-pillows. / Eben: ...indeed. How terribly rude of them. / Snooch: DARN RIGHT.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080324.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch when Snooch suddenly goes zooming past]] / Mom: SNOOCH! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF $#!&!!!! / Ebenezer: What in the name of Loki's party frock did you do? / Snooch: I PEED! / [[Ebenezer, now awake, hangs slightly off the couch as Snooch peeks from behind it]] / Ebenezer: You peed? On what? / Snooch: HER PHONE! It kept beeping at me! I had to! / Ebenezer: Aha. / [[Ebenezer sits up, looking in the direction of the off-screen (and very pissed off) Mom as Snooch takes off again]] / Mom: GET BACK HERE, YOU %@(!*# JERK! / Ebenezer: And where was her phone at the time? / Snooch: IN HER PURSE! GOTTA GO! BYE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080326.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is laying on the couch, Ebenezer is sitting on the couch washing himself]] / [[Close-up of Ebenezer's face with a disgusted look on it]] / [[Ebenezer sits on the couch looking at Snooch]] / Eben: Have you been sprinkling me with hickory smoke salt? / Snooch: No! ...Maybe.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080328.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch watching TV and looking disappointed]] / Announcer: Tonight's episode of Mystery Smoke Monster Love Triangle Island will not be seen. / Snooch: Aw MAN! This bites litter. / [[Snooch looks upset]] / Announcer: We will return with a new episode next week... maybe. / Snooch: Benny's right. All the shows that make ya think an' gots a story get canceled. We oughtta- / [[Snooch suddenly perks up]] / Announcer: And now: CELEBRITY FISH SLAPPING! / Snooch: WOO HOO! F@$& THE PLOT, WE GOTS FISH!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080331.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sits on the couch looking at Snooch, who is hanging over the edge]] / Snooch: Hey, Benny! There's another whole area between the cushions! / Eben: Good grief, you're dumber than a sack of wet hens. / [[Ebenezer is taken aback as Snooch sits up and laughs maniacally]] / Snooch: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! / Eben: That wasn't a joke, Snooch. / Snooch: One of these days I'mna poop on you while you sleep.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080402.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch sits in a chair at the computer with a disappointed look on his face. Eben is on the floor next to the chair.]] / Snooch: (thinking) Stupid puter! / Eben: (thinking) You've discovered it doesn't dispense ham? / Snooch: (thinking) It won't let me in the innerneps! BOOGERY! / Eben: (thinking) Perhaps YOU should call TECH SUPPORT! / [[Eben looks back at the viewer as he says this, eyebrows uncharacteristically raised...]] / [[In a new scene, Greg from User Friendly sits at his computer with his arms folded, wearing a headset. Dust Puppy (also from User Friendly) looks up at him from the floor.]] / Greg: Tech support, how may I-- / Snooch: (by phone) MEEEER! / Greg: Oh good. You again.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080404.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is laying on the couch. Snooch, wearing trick glasses of fake eyeballs on springs, is sitting in front of the couch]] / Snooch: BOO! APRIL FOOL'S! / Eben: That was last week, fluffernutter. / Snooch, no longer wearing the glasses: Nuh-uh! It got moved down a week 'cause it's a leap year! / Eben: Oh, is that how it works? / Snooch: Well yeah, you told me so last Mon... HEY!! / Eben: Heh.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080407.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walks past the couch towards the off-screen Snooch]] / Snooch: I GOTS THA JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY DOWN IN MY GUT! WHERE? / Ebenezer: It's "down in my HEART", Snooch. / [[Ebenezer passes the TV]] / Snooch: Nuh-uh! I know when ya drink stuff it goes in your GUT! / Ebenezer: The song's not about... where are you, anyway? / [[Ebenezer is suddenly wide-eyed as a crapload of bubbles start pouring in from off-screen]] / Snooch: The kitchen! *hic* JOY, JOY, JOY... / Ebenezer: Holy Bast, are you belching FOAM?
http://twolumps.net/d/20080409.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch licking himself. Snooch is running past towards the left]] / Snooch: Hankies! I need hankies! / Ebenezer: Mom's room, I guess? / [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch licking himself. Snooch is running past to the right, and has a pink piece of fabric in his mouth]] / Snooch: And bells! Where d'we keep the Christmas bells?! / Ebenezer: What? / Snooch: A rain dance makes it rain water! / [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch, facing away]] / Ebenezer: ...the "Morris dance" doesn't make it rain 9Lives. / Snooch: Aw, FISHSTICKS! / Ebenezer: You'd look quite dapper, though.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080411.html
 
Two Lumps Mom: *slam* $&*)(!! / Snooch: Why's Mom all mad? And blue? / Eben: Her work sent her to Colorado for a week. You managed to sleep through it. / Snooch: What's a Colorado? / Eben: Well, it's full of snow and steep mountains. And the air's thin, so every movement is exercise. And there's bobcats and coyotes and stuff. / Snooch: ...Mom's work sent her to CAT HELL? / Eben: Yeah, that's the short version.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080414.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Whatcha readin'? / Eben: Some new foodie magazine Mom got. / Snooch: What's a "foodie?" / Eben: They're folks who focus their entire lives around eating the most delicious food in the world. / Eben: ...annnnd he's gone. / Snooch: I... I have a PEOPLE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080416.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is laying on his back on the floor, rubbing his belly. Ebenezer is standing on the couch, his nose pointing upwards and his left front paw sticking up in a reciting pose]] / Eben: Most people live in a lonely muddle, Lost days always fading into the past. Most people long for something to cuddle, One where they know fat and fur are vast. / [[Ebenezer, now wearing a green grass skirt, yellow bead bracelets, and a red bead necklace, stands on a brown beach underneath a green palm tree. Snooch is laying on his back on the sand, still rubbing his belly. In the background is a brilliant blue ocean and a turquoise sky]] / Eben: Belly High will call you! Every night, every day! Fields of fur, you'll hear them call you: "Pet away, pet away." / [[Snooch is once again on the floor in front of the couch, rubbing his belly, but now he's looking up. Ebenezer is sitting on the floor next to him]] / Snooch: ...anyone coming? / Eben: Not yet. Maybe you oughtta wash that goosh right outta your fur, first.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080418.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is crouching on the floor while Ebenezer rears back in alarm from a fog of odors]] / Eben: Great Hera's clogs! What is that stench?! / Snooch: We're goin' GREEN! / Eben: While I applaud the intent, starting a compost heap in the house... / Snooch: Nuh-uh! I saw an article that said to unplug appliances when you're not usin' 'em! / [[Ebenezer covers his eyes while Snooch grins]] / Eben: ...you started with the fridge, didn't you. / Snooch: It's workin'! Half the stuff in there is green now!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080421.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who is reading a letter]] / Snooch: WHOA. Mom got mail from the "Fish of the Month Club." / Eben: I see my advertiser listings are working. / Snooch: Dude. Once a month. They send you a FISH. ONE. / Eben: ...the fish isn't supposed to last you the month, roebrain. / Snooch: Dang. I wanted to see a cod the size of a Buick. / Eben: Don't we all.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080423.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer stares at Snooch, who is sporting a very weird haircut]] / Ebenezer: WHAT IN HERA'S HAIRWEAVE?! / Snooch: Ain't it cool? I read that people like longhaired cats, so I got a buncha sheddin's and stuck 'em back in! / Ebenezer: Why still short on top? / Snooch: I was 'fraid the long hair looked too girly, so I have macho spikes too! / [[Ebenezer looks thoughtful, Snooch happy]] / Ebenezer: You... invented the mowllett. / Snooch: Dude! Think I can make money off it?!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080425.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, napping on the living room couch, back to the room]] / [[from off stage]]Snooch: BENNY! WHERE'S THE PANCAKE MIX? / Ebenezer: In the pantry, granitebrain. / [[from off stage]]Snooch: BENNY! WHERE'S MOM'S COMBAT BOOTS? / [[curled to face the room now]]Ebenezer: In the bedroom! Now let me sleep! / [[full-sulking pose, facing the kitchen, still laying on the couch]]Ebenezer: Wait... what??? / [[from off stage]]Snooch: I'M MAKIN' WAFFLES!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080428.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is watching TV while Ebenezer washes himself]] / Voice on TV: SKEE-DIDDLY-BOPPIN-A-BOP-BOP-BADADA-BOP! / Snooch: What is this? I like it! / Eben: It's called "Scat Music." / [[Snooch walks away while Ebenezer bristles in aggravation]] / Snooch: I wonder if I can find it on Google. / Eben: NO! There's, ah, nothing about it on the internet! NOTHING! AT ALL! EVER! / [[Snooch returns as Ebenezer unbristles in relief]] / Snooch: Aw, poo! / Eben: Exactly.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080430.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who is sitting in front of three glasses with liquid in them]] / Snooch: HAY BENNY! I got musical glasses! / Eben: This will surely end well. / Snooch: I'ma learn to play 'em and get on the teevee! / Eben: Not likely, since you'd have to get your paw wet to play them. / [[Snooch rubs a claw on a glass, while Ebenezer bristles]] / Snooch: Nah, I just use my claw. BEE-OOTIFULLL DREEEEE-MURRR... / Sound effect: SKREEEEEE / Eben: AH. YES. A PRODIGY YOU ARE.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080502.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sits staring at Snooch, who is wearing a rainbow-striped horse shape]] / Eben: Have you been eating the shampoo again? / Snooch: Nope! I'm disguised as a PINATA! / [[Eben pulls back from Snooch]] / Eben: I know I'm going to regret this, but; WHY? / Snooch: So someone will stuff me full of CANDY! DUH! / Eben: ...and then they'll beat the daylights out of you with a stick. I approve. / Snooch: Oh. Oh, yeah...
http://twolumps.net/d/20080505.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting and reading a book]] / Eben: And so it says people should eat plenty of fruits, vegetables and grains, but only sparingly of dairy, meat, and fats. / Snooch: So what are they supposed to do with the rest? / [[Close-up of Snooch's and Eben's heads, drawn darkly. Panel has this text: Art style! Wooooo! - J]] / Eben: Throw them out, I guess. Or feed them to the cat. / Snooch: NO WAY! / [[Pan out to both cats sitting near the book]] / Snooch: You think people'll ever figure out cats invented the food pyramid? / Eben: Doubt it. The Egyptians never caught on.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080507.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who is sitting next to a soda glass with a straw, and grungy liquid flowing over the edges]] / Eben: What in Zeus's zydeco is THAT? / Snooch: Um. / Snooch: Well, on the TV they were showin' how you can make ice cubes outta lemonade an' beer to make your drinks all fancy... / [[Ebenezer stares while Snooch sticks his tongue out at the drink]] / Eben: ...you tried to make gooshy cubes? / Snooch: It kinda ended up as a barf slurpee.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080509.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who is rolling on his side]] / Snooch: ARRRRRGH! / Eben: Interpretive dance of the Fall of Pompeii! / Snooch: What? No! It's ITCHY seasons again! / [[Eben washes himself while Snooch walks away in disgust]] / Snooch: How do humans stand it? / Eben: Well, Mom slathers herself in lotion to stave it off. But that doesn't work on-- / [[Eben looks up, startled, as he hears this sound: *SQUURCH*]] / Eben: ...fur. / Snooch off panel: WHOA! I feel like a french fry!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080512.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is laying on the couch, Snooch is sliding on his stomach on the floor, leaving a pink trail behind]] / Snooch: WEEEHEEHEEHEE! / [[Snooch slides the other direction]] / Snooch: LOTION SLEDDIN' WOO HOO HOO! / [[Snooch changes directions again]] / Eben: Will you please... PLEASE... stop doing that? / Snooch: This must be what OTTERS feel like!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080514.html
Two Lumps [[Mom picks Snooch up while Ebenezer sits washing himself]] / Mom: Good grief, Snooch! We need to wash this lotion off you before you eat it! / Eben: Truly, Mom is wise. / Snooch: HEY! / [[Eben looks after Mom and Snooch, who have left the room]] / Mom off panel: Maybe I can dilute it with an oil that won't make you sick... / Snooch off panel: French fry power! Fr-- HEY! YUCK! / [[Eben watches as Snooch, looking disgruntled, shaking a rear paw and dripping in some liquid, walks back into the room]] / Mom off panel: Hello, vet's office? Yeah! This'll go on my tab... / Snooch: What is this... "lannalin" stuff? / Eben: The only thing that could make you smell like a greased sheep right now.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080516.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer watches as Mom opens a cat carrier]] / Eben: So, how was this vet visit, Mr. Hyde? / Snooch from inside the carrier: Shuddup. / [[Eben rears back as Snooch comes out of the carrier, looking stunned and with his fur all puffed out]] / Eben: Well, at least they got the loti- SWEET MOTHER OF BRAN MUFFINS. / Snooch: SHUDDUP! / Eben: It's the world's largest cotton ball! / Snooch: SHUT! UP! / Eben: Dude, you're a CATFRO! / Snooch: They took my temperature. / Eben: ...shuttin' up.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080519.html
Two Lumps [[Eben standing on a window screen]] / Eben: So before they bathed you, they made you stand on a window screen. / Snooch: Yep. / Eben: Why? / Snooch: They dump a bucket of water on your head. / Eben: MERCIFUL HAMS OF VISHNU! / Snooch: Now, try to lift your feet. / Eben: I can't, they're stu... Oh, that's just diabolical.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080521.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting on the floor looking up at Ebenezer on the couch]] / Snooch: It's after midnight! Time to let it all hang out! / Eben: No, it's just past two in the afternoon. / Snooch: Oh? You look pretty GREY and I look GREY... / Eben: That's just a saying, Snooch. / [[Snooch walks away]] / Snooch: HA! Who's smarter, you? Or Benjamin Franklin? It's after midnight! / Eben: Considering he's dead? Gosh, that's a tough one.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080523.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor looking up at Snooch, who is sitting on a chair in front of the computer]] / Eben: Now what? / Snooch: I was tryin' to look up Fisherman's Wharf, cuz, you know, FISH. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch, dressed in yellow rainslickers and Snooch holding a fishing rod with a corncob pipe in his mouth, are posed in front of a photographic background that shows a fishing vessel on an angry sea, a lighthouse on a promontory point, and a gray-blue sky]] / Eben: But of course. / Snooch: Stupid page said "404 not found." / [[Ebenezer walks away from Snooch in the computer chair]] / Snooch: But San Francisco's 415! Not 404! I mean DUH! No wonder it can't find it! / Eben: Aaaaaand that's about enough for me.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080526.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are looking at several things in front of them on the floor: a cut-out paper shape, a tape dispenser, and a taped together paper cube]] / Eben: ...and that's how you make a paper cube. / Snooch: So a cube is six folded squares, right? / Eben: Yep. / [[Eben rears back in amazement as Snooch continues]] / Snooch: An' a square is four folded lines? / Eben: Uh... yeah. / Snooch: So a four dimensional object would be made of 8 folded cubes. / [[Eben glares at Snooch, who is grinning hugely]] / [[Eben stares while Snooch continues to grin]] / Snooch: I been watchin' PBS. / Eben: I hate you.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080528.html
 

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