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Two Lumps [[3 panels of Snooch with a garbage bag stretched over his face like a mask. Eben is lying beside him on the couch. ]] / Snooch: I'm Batman. / Ebenezer: You're an idiot with a garbage bag.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080806.html
Two Lumps [[3 panels of Snooch with a garbage bag stretched over his face like a mask. Eben is lying beside him on the couch. ]] / Snooch: I'm Batman. / Ebenezer: You're an idiot with a garbage bag.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080806.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: I thought you'd moved beyond children's TV? / Snooch: No way! There's so much left to learn! / Ebenezer: More songs about using the potty? / Snooch: Nah, I re'lized, kids are CHAMPIONS at whinin' for stuff! / Ebenezer: ... you make an excellent point. / Snooch: I been practicin', watch! "WAAAHHHH! I WANNA POOOONYYYYYYYYY!" / Snooch: <> / Ebenezer: Checked the label on our gooshyfood lately?
http://twolumps.net/d/20080808.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Ooo! You gots marshmallows! Gimme some! / Ebenezer: No, fudgeaholic, this is an ergonomic squeeze ball. / Ebenezer: It reduces stress and strengthens claw muscles. Wanna try? / Snooch: Boo-ring. I'm outta here. / Ebenezer: I need to work on my story. He almost didn't fall for that one. / Ebenezer: ... now how do I get this #$%& thing unstuck?
http://twolumps.net/d/20080811.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer looks up at Snooch, who is sitting in a chair looking at a computer screen]] / Eben: A podcast? Really? / Snooch: Yeah! Looks simple to me! / Eben: What's the format? / Snooch: Just a buncha my favorite songs, an' then a T&A session. / Eben: WHAT? / Snooch: Y'know, where people ask me stuff! / Eben: That's a Q&A session. / Snooch: You sure? I already got 500 innernet subscribers...
http://twolumps.net/d/20080813.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, stunned, is looking at Snooch, who is sitting front of a canvas on an easel, holding a dripping paintbrush in his mouth]] / Eben: Loki's sparky hightops, you can PAINT?! / Snooch: I been learnin' how on TV! / Eben: Focusing on the surrealist masters, looks like... / [[Eben looks more closely at the painting]] / Eben: So you've got a doctor, working on a melting guitar, surrounded by piles of gold? / Snooch: He makes mad loot, yo. / Eben: Who's he supposed to be? / Snooch: A Dada Bass Ministrator! / [[Eben WINCES]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20080815.html
 
Two Lumps [[Eben looks at Snooch, who is looking at a book on the floor]] / Snooch: So... we're Russian Blues. / Eben: Congratulations, you've discovered the mirror. / Snooch: Is that why we're takin' over the world? / Eben: No, all felines are part of that plan. Why? / Snooch: Well, I noticed that all real bad stuff's seems to be blue. People get the blues. Computers go bluescreen. An' blue soda... / Eben: That's right, you've cracked the Blue Conspiracy. We're actually all led by Blue Man Group. / Snooch: SERIOUSLY?! / Eben: You wish life was that cool.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080818.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch has overturned the trash back and is examining the contents. Ebenezer walks in.]] / Ebenezer: What in Fibonacci's mudflaps? / Snooch: I'm makin' sure we don't got no animal-cruel products in the house! / Ebenezer: Oh good, you've been on the internet again. / [[Snooch has found something and looks very displeased.]] / Ebenezer: Do you know what "obligate carnivore" means? / Snooch: A-HA! This was tested by punchin' chickens in the eye! / [[Ebenezer has a "must-be-patient" expression.]] / Ebenezer: That's not what "Shiner Bock" does. / Snooch: Hmph. / Ebenezer: Where do you think fried chicken comes from? / Snooch: Sunbathing accidents?
http://twolumps.net/d/20080820.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch, on the floor, and Ebenezer, in a chair, are sitting in the dark watching TV]] / Voice on TV: This program may be too intense for young viewers. / Snooch: YAY MIDNIGHT MONSTER MOVIE! / Eben: Just keep it down, Mom doesn't like us playing around this late. / Voice on TV: Parental discretion is advised. / Snooch: Big words? / Eben: It means people under 18 have to ask their parents if it's OK to watch. / [[Snooch starts to leave the room]] / Eben: You're going to wake Mom up to ask PERMISSION for something you're not supposed to be doing? / Snooch: ...this is one-a them Catch-22-o-the-Day things, isn't it? / Eben: Just sit down, fluffernutter.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080822.html
Two Lumps [[Text above first panel: Two Lumps Theater Presents: SNOOCH VS THE HORN]] / [[Snooch is sitting, looking at a squeeze-bulb horn on the floor]] / [[Snooch, grinning hugely, swats the squeeze-bulb with his right front paw <>]] / [[Text underneath second panel: FATALITY]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20080825.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch are watching television]] / Television voice: Acupuncture, the art of embedding tiny needles under the skin, has long been used to promote health. / Mom: *cough cough* / Snooch: Mom's sick. Maybe-- / Eben: Shhh. / [[Snooch walks towards the off-panel Mom while the TV continues]] / Television voice: Most modern acupuncturists use sterilized, disposable stainless steel needles of fine diameter. / Eben: ? / Mom: *cough* / [[Snooch is on the couch next to Mom who is laying down. Snooch has his paw raised, claws extended. Eben is off-panel]] / Eben: Snooch, she will turn you into a RUG. / Snooch: SCIENCE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080827.html
 
Two Lumps [[Two side-by-side panels, each has one cat head drawn anime-style, both cats look ferocious]] / Ebenezer: SNOOCH! / Snooch: EBEN! / [[Two side by side panels, Ebenezer has transformed into muscle-bound figure wearing ripped red shirt, red armband, studded red wristband, Snooch has transformed into mechanical figure with multiple-barrelled weapon on shoulder, yellow faceguard, yellow and gray vest over red-dotted shirt]] / Transformed Ebenezer: SNOOOOOCH!!! / Transformed Snooch: EBEEEEEEN!!! / [[Two side by side panels, first has the two transformed figures attacking each other in front of a rainbow-colored background, second has normally drawn heads of Snooch and Ebenezer]] / Transformed figures simultaneously: YAAAA / Snooch: WTF??? / Ebenezer: No idea. / {{At bottom: Come see us at ANIMEFEST!}}
http://twolumps.net/d/20080829.html
Two Lumps [[Cats watching TV]] / TV: ...And remember to drive carefully this holiday! / Eben: Sage advice. / Snooch: Yeah, 'specially with the hospitals bein' all full. / Eben: Good point! There's grilling accidents, watercraft mishaps... / Snooch: Everybody havin' babies all at once... / Eben: Of COURSE that's what Labor Day means on your planet. / Snooch: Well yeah, it's not like pregnant women have anything else to do that day!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080901.html
Two Lumps [[Both cats are sitting, Ebenezer is washing himself]] / Snooch: Benny! you excited about November? / Ebenezer: Thanksgiving? Not really. / Snooch: That's when we get to vote! / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch]] / Ebenezer: Cats don't vote, Snooch. / Snooch: LIES! They said on teevee that people like you would lie so i wouldn't go vote! / [[Ebenezer leaves, Snooch sticks tongue out]] / Ebenezer: Wow, your informed brain is truly too strong for my shenanigans. / Snooch: That's right! Nyah!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080903.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch grins at a grimacing Ebenezer]] / Snooch: So who you votin' for? / Ebenezer: ARGH. / Ebenezer: Snooch, cats don't vote in presidential elections. / Snooch: But the teevee said-- / Ebenezer: They were talking about people. Humans. Cats cannot vote, and never will, in human political forums. / Snooch: Oh. / Snooch: So when do the cats get to hold elections? / Ebenezer: You and I can start a campaign just as soon as there's a voting public here.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080905.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch, who is laying on a counter]] / Eben: What's wrong, Chunky Funky? / Snooch: I ate a bunch o' those chalky fruit candies and now I don't feel so good. / [[Also on the counter is a jar with part of a label showing the letters MZ]] / Eben: You ate an entire bottle of antacid tablets?! / Snooch: Benny, I can't feel my stomach! / Eben: I'd say you got off lucky. / [[The jar's full label now shows TOMZ]] / Eben: Then again, YOUR gut comprises 3/4ths of your body. We could be looking at paralysis. / Snooch: AAARGH!!! / Eben: Good thing Mom's got the vet on speed dial.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080908.html
 
Two Lumps Snooch: I dreamt I was an emperor... / [[Close-up of Snooch wearing a fur-trimmed gold crown and a fur-trimmed robe, in front of a purple background]] / Snooch: My cloak was stitched of the hides of my enemies. From my great carcass pedestal, I looked down upon rivers of screaming blood and smiled. Powerful sigils glowed at my feet. / [[Full view of Snooch in crown and robe upon a ledge etched with green glowing symbols, skeletal remains underneath, red- and yellow-rimmed volcanoes erupting against a purple sky]] / [[Normal Snooch is talking with Ebenezer]] / Snooch: What do you think it means? / Ebenezer: That you've been reading too much Wayne Barlow before bed.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080910.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is reading to Ebenezer from a book on the floor]] / Snooch: "...and the pharaoh's cats were wrapped in linen strips and buried with him." Euurgh! / Ebenezer: It was a great honor. / Snooch: ...I'll pass. / Ebenezer: Seriously. Mummification was performed only on respected leaders and nobles. / Snooch: Good thing leaders these days don't get strangled in tape and buried in mud, huh? / Ebenezer: Shows what you know.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080912.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, whose pink tongue is hanging from his twisted face]] / Snooch: Ngh. Rgh. Bleh. / Ebenezer: You want to work on those zombie noises some more. / Snooch: Hungh? / Ebenezer: You ARE practicing for Halloween? / Ebenezer: And not, say, numb from eating those cough drops I told you to leave alone? / Snooch: Uhh... yeph! / Ebenezer: Good, so you can come share the gooshyfood Mom just put out. / Snooch: NGHooooooooooooooooooo!!! / Ebenezer: You sound more like a zombie already!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080915.html
Two Lumps [[A bowl of food is on the floor between the two cats]] / Snooch: TAH-DAAAAAH! / Ebenezer: What the... where did you get sushi??? / [[Ebenezer starts to eat]] / Snooch: Swiped 'em when Mom wasn't looking! / Ebenezer: Great work! I wasn't aware she'd even gone to the store today! <> / Snooch: She didn't! I grabbed 'em off the table during her last party! / [[Ebenezer stops eating]] / Ebenezer: You mean... Labor Day? / Snooch: Yup! I hid the whole tray behind the litterbox! / Ebenezer: ...Maybe I can spontaneously evolve a finger to jam down my throat.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080917.html
Two Lumps [[A ham steak, possibly mashed potatoes, and a sprig of garnish sits on a plate on a table.]] / [[Snooch's head appears behind the table. He's wearing a samurai headband around his eyes with the kanji/hanzi for "starve" on it.]] / Snooch: So we meet again, grilled ham steak. / [[Snooch has disappeared, and the plate remains undisturbed]] / [[The POV has receded slightly, causing the plate of food to appear a bit smaller.]] / [[The scene is exactly the same as the previous panel, but now the ham steak has disappeared.]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20080919.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch. Snooch is on the floor, fluffed out and bug-eyed.]] / Ebenezer: What in Fouled Furlongs is that unholy racket? / Snooch: Mom an' her friends are drunk an' screamin' and gettin' ready to whack us with sticks!!! / Ebenezer: What? / Ebenezer: Ah, right. I read about this. It's actually a video game called Rock Band 2. Those are drums, not torture devices. / [[Ebenezer looks down as Snooch flees the room]] / Ebenezer: I suppose the person who put "Man in the Box" as a game track *could* be called a sadist, but... / Ebenezer: Snooch? / Ebenezer: Snooch! Stop dialing 9-1-1!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080922.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are either side of an empty plate looking at each other. Snooch looks pleased with himself. Ebenezer is looking down.]] / Ebenezer: Wow. Mom turns her back her back on the last pop-tarts in the house, and you devour them. That was her breakfast. / Snooch: Yep! / [[Snooch is now walking off screen to the right. Ebenezer is now looking up.]] / Ebenezer: You seem pretty calm for a walking dead cat. / Snooch: Bah, I'll just have the Government bail me out! / [[Snooch is now off screen. Ebenezer looks more alert.]] / Ebenezer: What? / Ebenezer: No, that's not how it-- / Snooch: Give me a second! I need to give a subprime loan to the catbox.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080924.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting in front of the couch]] / Snooch: So if that's West... Benny, can you open the North window? I need ta move this chair to the Southern wall. / Ebenezer: When did you learn Feng Shui? / Snooch: Is that some kinda mushroom? / Ebenezer: No... so why are you moving-- / [[Ebenezer covers eyes]] / Ebenezer: Migrating birds fly higher than one story, mayo-brain. / Snooch: NOT THE FAT ONES!
http://twolumps.net/d/20080926.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is watching TV]] / TV: ...war in Afghanistan, blah blah, bailout agreement reached, yadda yadda, melting ice caps, yankety spankety, honkety honk, $25 billion welfare bill for auto makers... / [[Snooch joins him]] / TV: <> ...devaluing of the American dollar, woogie woo, impending depression, blabber blah, insane deficit, boop boop... / Snooch: Our turn yet? / Ebenezer: Nope. Humans are close, but not quite gone. / [[Snooch has "displeased" face]] / Snooch: NO FAIR! / Ebenezer: Patience. At this rate, cats will rule the world in no time. / Snooch: Well, we GOSH DARN WELL BETTER.
http://twolumps.net/d/20080929.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch sitting in front of the TV set]] / Snooch: Man, if the ekno...econon...if things keep going this way--- / Eben: Good thing I pulled out of the market over a year ago. / Snooch: You did? / [[Eben and Snooch in front of a closet with cans of gooshyfood on the floor. Eben grooms himself]] / Eben: I saw this coming, so I bought stores of gooshyfood instead. / Snooch: ZOMG PARTY. / Eben: No, you black hole. I'll resell it for a profit when society crumbles. / [[Snooch walking away as Eben withdraws from the closet]] / Snooch: Oh well. I don't feel like Chinese food anyway. / Eben: Say what? They're Salmon 'N' Giblet. / Snooch: Naw, all the cans say Made in China. / Eben: WHAT? No! NO!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081001.html
 
Two Lumps Header: WHEN CATS GET POLITICAL / [[Ebenezer sitting]] / Ebenezer: So McCain and Palin say they've been the victims of "Gotcha Journalism" when the media directly quotes them in an interview or public speech. / Ebenezer: That's not "Gotcha Journalism". That's called "Reporting What You Said." Of course, I'm sure the McCain bunch would refer to nuking Iran as "Gotcha Diplomacy." / [[Partial globe of world with a mushroom cloud and an arrowed text balloon labeled TEHRAN]] / <> / {{Final exclamation mark after Gotcha is a flagpole with a red, white and blue American flag flying from it}}
http://twolumps.net/d/20081003.html
Two Lumps [[Mom is walking past couch; Ebenezer is lying on couch; Snooch is looking wide-eyed at Mom]] / Mom: Okay, now where's my passport... / Snooch: What's up? / Ebenezer: Mom's apparently going to the Caribbean. / [[Snooch has a huge grin on his face]] / Snooch: SAH-WEET! / Ebenezer: You're not angry at being abandoned? / Snooch: No way! This is the most awesomest thing EVER! / Ebenezer: She's not going to become a pirate, you know. / Snooch: No rum??? / Ebenezer: No. / Snooch: Well, screw that then. I'm-a go pee in the suitcase. / Ebenezer: Carry on.
http://twolumps.net/d/20081006.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Ebenezer both look angry; a bowl of food is on the floor]] / Snooch: I don't wanna stay with gramma! / Ebenezer: I've got a plan. Chow down, we'll need our strength. / [[Ebenezer starts eating]] / Snooch: Sweet! What do we do? / Ebenezer: First, wait until she's packed. Then we purple monkey bus dishwasher. / Snooch: Is this before or after I eat the food she put the travelin' pills in? Benny? / [[Ebenezer falls on back in drugged euphoria]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20081008.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Ebenezer are hiding behind the couch]] / Mom off panel: Boys! Where are you? / Snooch: We gotta hide! Squeeze for your life! / Ebenezer: Alas, toothpaste! / [[Both cats look into a twisty tunnel that has appeared in the wall]] / Snooch: Anoher hole! I don't 'member THAT bein' back here! Where's it go? / Ebenezer: The theme park of the soul... / [[Both cats run into the tunnel]] / Snooch: Well, it's gotta be better than whatever gramma knitted for us! / Ebenezer: I can see my house from here!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081010.html
Two Lumps [[White Rabbit in orange vest is running towards Snooch, who is grinning, and Ebenezer, who is dazed]] / Snooch: Man, where are we? / White Rabbit: I'm late! I"M LATE! / Snooch: 'Scuse me, can you-- / [[Rabbit, red eyed and teeth showing in a grimace, grabs Snooch in both hands]] / Rabbit: If you make me stop and answer a stupid question I will have taken less than 7 steps per second which puts me at risk of arriving at a time that is divisible by 5 and then I won't have time to straighten my tie 3 times which means my meeting with the queen will go very BADLY and then I will have to HURT YOU because I. AM. LATE. / [[Rabbit runs off]] / Snooch: That dude needs a drink. / Ebenezer: He keeps going and going and... / Rabbit: Late! Late! Motherf#@*ing LATE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081013.html
 

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