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Two Lumps [[Three birds hold hand held phones to their heads, which they speak through, while a fourth calls through a hands-free adaptor]] / Ebenezer: Oho! A riposte! You managed to train four common birds to use tiny cell phones, without eating even one of them! / Snooch: Told you I could! Nyah! [[sticks tongue out, which has a tiny feather on it]] / Ebenezer [[startled]]: what was that on your tongue? / Snooch [[looks up]]: Nuthin'.
http://twolumps.net/d/20081216.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch holds five yellow rings]] / Snooch [[in several fonts]]: Five GOLDEN RINGS! / Ebenezer: You were really looking forward to that one, weren't you? / Snooch: Duh! It's finally not a bird! What's up with that, anyway? / [[Snooch stands beside an empty box of onion rings with crumbs falling from his mouth]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20081217.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch holds five yellow rings]] / Snooch [[in several fonts]]: Five GOLDEN RINGS! / Ebenezer: You were really looking forward to that one, weren't you? / Snooch: Duh! It's finally not a bird! What's up with that, anyway? / [[Snooch stands beside an empty box of onion rings with crumbs falling from his mouth]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20081217.html
Two Lumps [[Six geese lie on and around the sofa, each with a can of either beer or soda/pop. A large bag of chips, and Snooch, are on the floor]] / Snooch [[to geese]]: Hey, guys. / Goose 2 [[holding a video game controler]]: SUP? / Snooch: You guys wanna do anything? Maybe go out for food? / Goose 1: NAH. / Goose 2: NOPE. / Goose 3 [[smoking]]: I'M GOOD. / Goose 4: I THINK WE'LL JUST CHILL HERE, DUDE. / Snooch [[walking away]]: MAN, you guys are lazy! All you do is play XBOX! / Bird 3: OH! DUDE, CAN WE ORDER IN PIZZA?
http://twolumps.net/d/20081218.html
Two Lumps [[Six geese lie on and around the sofa, each with a can of either beer or soda/pop. A large bag of chips, and Snooch, are on the floor]] / Snooch [[to geese]]: Hey, guys. / Goose 2 [[holding a video game controler]]: SUP? / Snooch: You guys wanna do anything? Maybe go out for food? / Goose 1: NAH. / Goose 2: NOPE. / Goose 3 [[smoking]]: I'M GOOD. / Goose 4: I THINK WE'LL JUST CHILL HERE, DUDE. / Snooch [[walking away]]: MAN, you guys are lazy! All you do is play XBOX! / Bird 3: OH! DUDE, CAN WE ORDER IN PIZZA?
http://twolumps.net/d/20081218.html
Two Lumps [[Six geese lie on and around the sofa, each with a can of either beer or soda/pop. A large bag of chips, and Snooch, are on the floor]] / Snooch [[to geese]]: Hey, guys. / Goose 2 [[holding a video game controler]]: SUP? / Snooch: You guys wanna do anything? Maybe go out for food? / Goose 1: NAH. / Goose 2: NOPE. / Goose 3 [[smoking]]: I'M GOOD. / Goose 4: I THINK WE'LL JUST CHILL HERE, DUDE. / Snooch [[walking away]]: MAN, you guys are lazy! All you do is play XBOX! / Bird 3: OH! DUDE, CAN WE ORDER IN PIZZA?
http://twolumps.net/d/20081218.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch sit before the bathtub, from which seven white-feathered wings stick out]] / Ebenezer: Synchronized Swan Swimming! Or S^3 for short! / Snooch: WHoA! / Snooch: Impressive, dude! / Ebenezer: Combining two of the world's most graceful offerings was no mean feat, but worth it. / [[The swans now swim with their legs sticking out from the bathtub]] / Snooch: But why're they, uh... bald? / Ebenezer: It turns out rubber swim caps and wet feathers are a bad combination. Who knew?
http://twolumps.net/d/20081219.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch sit before the bathtub, from which seven white-feathered wings stick out]] / Ebenezer: Synchronized Swan Swimming! Or S^3 for short! / Snooch: WHoA! / Snooch: Impressive, dude! / Ebenezer: Combining two of the world's most graceful offerings was no mean feat, but worth it. / [[The swans now swim with their legs sticking out from the bathtub]] / Snooch: But why're they, uh... bald? / Ebenezer: It turns out rubber swim caps and wet feathers are a bad combination. Who knew?
http://twolumps.net/d/20081219.html
Two Lumps Snooch [[to computer screen]]: HOLY $*&T!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081220.html
Two Lumps Snooch [[to computer screen]]: HOLY $*&T!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081220.html
 
Two Lumps Snooch [[To a lady in red heels and tight nylons]]: Shake it, number eight! Woo woo! Yeah! / Ebenezer: You bought a pole and stage, and hired nine exotic dancers? / Snooch: Hell yeah! / Ebenezer: How? / Snooch: THE INTERNETS! / Ebenezer: Oh, Mom's gonna just LOVE your remodeling plan. / [[A lady in green heels hangs from the pole]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20081221.html
Two Lumps Snooch [[To a lady in red heels and tight nylons]]: Shake it, number eight! Woo woo! Yeah! / Ebenezer: You bought a pole and stage, and hired nine exotic dancers? / Snooch: Hell yeah! / Ebenezer: How? / Snooch: THE INTERNETS! / Ebenezer: Oh, Mom's gonna just LOVE your remodeling plan. / [[A lady in green heels hangs from the pole]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20081221.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch stare off-panel]] / Snoch: Whoa! Now the dance stage is being jumped on by Lord William Peel, Traci Lords, all six members of the Lords of Acid, Lord Richard Attenborough and Jack Lord of Hawaii Five-o!!! They're destroying everything with their leaping about!!! / Ebenezer: GREAT WATTLES OF HEROD! / J. Grant: THERE IS NO F-----G WAY I'M DRAWING THAT. -J
http://twolumps.net/d/20081222.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch stare off-panel]] / Snoch: Whoa! Now the dance stage is being jumped on by Lord William Peel, Traci Lords, all six members of the Lords of Acid, Lord Richard Attenborough and Jack Lord of Hawaii Five-o!!! They're destroying everything with their leaping about!!! / Ebenezer: GREAT WATTLES OF HEROD! / J. Grant: THERE IS NO F-----G WAY I'M DRAWING THAT. -J
http://twolumps.net/d/20081222.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch at the feet of eleven men wearing kilts]] / Ebenezer: Goggles. / Snooch: Check. / Ebenezer: Hearing protection. / Snooch: Check! / Ebenezer: 11 Scotsmen with bagpipes? / Snooch: Uh... check? / Ebenezer: Let's get to the viewing area. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch watch the house from a distant hill]] / Snooch: So they're gonna play music in the house? / Ebenezer: Shut up. / Snooch: Why do we gotta stand over here? We won't be able to listen! / Ebenezer: 3... 2... 1... / Ebenezer: Critical Bagpipe Mass has been achieved. / <> / [[House blows up in a mushroom cloud]] / Snooch: WHOA
http://twolumps.net/d/20081223.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch at the feet of eleven men wearing kilts]] / Ebenezer: Goggles. / Snooch: Check. / Ebenezer: Hearing protection. / Snooch: Check! / Ebenezer: 11 Scotsmen with bagpipes? / Snooch: Uh... check? / Ebenezer: Let's get to the viewing area. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch watch the house from a distant hill]] / Snooch: So they're gonna play music in the house? / Ebenezer: Shut up. / Snooch: Why do we gotta stand over here? We won't be able to listen! / Ebenezer: 3... 2... 1... / Ebenezer: Critical Bagpipe Mass has been achieved. / <> / [[House blows up in a mushroom cloud]] / Snooch: WHOA
http://twolumps.net/d/20081223.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch stand at the feet of twelve men]] / Eben: Well, twelve drummers should about wrap it up. Happy Holi-- / <> / Snooch: WHAT? / <> / Eben: What? / Snooch: HUH? / Eben: Speak up! / Snooch WHAT? / <> / Eben: Say again? / Snooch: WHAT? / Eben: WHAT? / Snooch: HUH? / <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20081224.html
Two Lumps [[Large, red, blackletter font]] / Eben and Snooch would like to remind you that nutmeg, if taken in large amounts, is a hallucinogenic drug. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch, heavily distorted, surrounded by floating images of a yellow skull, a pill capsule, a spiky santa hat, a candy cane, and a mistletoe; all over a red and green background]] / Nog responsibly. Stick to rum.
http://twolumps.net/d/20081225.html
Two Lumps [[Large, red, blackletter font]] / Eben and Snooch would like to remind you that nutmeg, if taken in large amounts, is a hallucinogenic drug. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch, heavily distorted, surrounded by floating images of a yellow skull, a pill capsule, a spiky santa hat, a candy cane, and a mistletoe; all over a red and green background]] / Nog responsibly. Stick to rum.
http://twolumps.net/d/20081225.html
 
Two Lumps [[Eben is standing in front of a pine tree that has fallen over. He is standing in a reciting posture with one front paw raised, the other held in front of his chest.]] / Eben: O Christmas, tree, O Christmas tree, My brother knocked you do-own O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, Because he's a big clo-own / Eben: He's pinned beneath your spiky boughs For acting like a stupid cow / Snooch [[off panel]]: HEY! / Eben: O Christmas, tree, O Christmas tree... / Eben [[sitting down and looking away]]: ...The gooshyfood is mine now. / Snooch [[only one paw is visible from beneath the tree]]: NOT FUNNY, DUDE! GO GET MOM!
http://twolumps.net/d/20081229.html
Two Lumps Eben: I can't believe you never knew where milk came from. / Snooch [[looking ill]]: YUCK. / Eben: Why did you think there was a cow on the carton? / Snooch [[grimacing]]: I thought it was a picture of the farm where they grew it! / Eben [[washing himself]]: Farm? "Grew it?" / Snooch: Kinda like how they put chickens on egg cartons! / Eben: So where DO you think eggs come from? / Snooch [[walking away with tail swishing]]: Eggplant. Duh. / Eben: You thi-- / Snooch: EGG. PLANT.
http://twolumps.net/d/20081231.html
Two Lumps [[Eben is curled on the couch, Snooch is sprawled on his back on the floor]] / Snooch: 4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW BEER!!! ...dangit. / Eben [[glaring at Snooch]]: For the ninth time, Snooch, it's Happy New YEAR. And you can only do that once annually. At midnight. On the first day of the year. / Snooch: SEZ YOU. 4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW BEER! / Eben [[turning his back to Snooch]]: At what point are you going to admit that there is no magic beer fairy? / Snooch [[looking up]]: When I finally sober up?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090102.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking out window at rain]] / Snooch: So rain is just water falling out of clouds. Clouds are water vapor from the ground. / Snooch [[looking upwards]]: Benny says water vapor is invisible, but I can see clouds and rain. / Snooch [[looking out window again]]: I must have super powers. / Eben [[off panel]]: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, YOU DO NOT. / Snooch: LIES.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090105.html
Two Lumps Snooch [[looking upwards]]: I been thinkin'... / Eben: Saints preserve us. / Snooch [[grin on face]]: If we filled the kitchen with banana slugs, we could make a skating rink! / Snooch [[quizzical expression]]: Is... is that wrong? / Eben [[glaring]]: YES. / Snooch: See, that's why I ask.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090107.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, curled on couch, is glaring at Snooch, who is wearing red wax lips]] / Snooch: BOOGA BOOGA! / Eben: Wax lips frighten me not, Snooch. Nor are they even particularly funny. / Snooch: Awww... / Eben [[alone, dropping paw over edge of couch]]: Yes, I know it's hard for you to fathom, but the slapstick does nothing for me. I prefer my jokes more refined. My ideals of mirth come from a source more highbrow. / Snooch [[now wearing Groucho Marx disguise]]: EYEBROW humor? / Eben [[turning his back to Snooch]]: GO AWAY.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090109.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, curled on couch, is glaring at Snooch, who is wearing red wax lips]] / Snooch: BOOGA BOOGA! / Eben: Wax lips frighten me not, Snooch. Nor are they even particularly funny. / Snooch: Awww... / Eben [[alone, dropping paw over edge of couch]]: Yes, I know it's hard for you to fathom, but the slapstick does nothing for me. I prefer my jokes more refined. My ideals of mirth come from a source more highbrow. / Snooch [[now wearing Groucho Marx disguise]]: EYEBROW humor? / Eben [[turning his back to Snooch]]: GO AWAY.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090109.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking at an open book on the floor, Eben is washing himself]] / Snooch: These books are always sayin' cats got nine lives. / Eben: It's a metaphor. / Snooch: So my other 8 lives aren't off doin' other stuff? / Eben [[looking up]]: No, it refers to our ability to escape from situations that... / Eben [[glaring at Snooch]]: Would this have anything to do with the 8 unemployment applications Mom just got in the mail? / Snooch: ...maybe?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090112.html
Two Lumps [[A courtroom]] / Judge Judy: OKAY, SO WE HAVE A DOMESTIC ASSAULT CASE, ALSO INVOLVING A CHILD? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU CHUCKLEHEADS? I OUGHTTA- / [[A hand puppet bashes Judge Judy on the head with a bat]] / Punch: HALLOA HALLOA HALLOA! / Judge Judy: AAAUGH! F*(#!!! / [[Ebenezer and Snooch]] / Ebenezer: No, that's actually not how "Punch and Judy" goes. / Ebenezer: ...I have to admit I'd watch it, though.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090114.html
Two Lumps [[A courtroom]] / Judge Judy: OKAY, SO WE HAVE A DOMESTIC ASSAULT CASE, ALSO INVOLVING A CHILD? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU CHUCKLEHEADS? I OUGHTTA- / [[A hand puppet bashes Judge Judy on the head with a bat]] / Punch: HALLOA HALLOA HALLOA! / Judge Judy: AAAUGH! F*(#!!! / [[Ebenezer and Snooch]] / Ebenezer: No, that's actually not how "Punch and Judy" goes. / Ebenezer: ...I have to admit I'd watch it, though.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090114.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer stares, startled, at Snooch holding a plush toy in his mouth]] / Ebenezer: What in Sif's neti pot are you doing? / Snooch: I'm takin' my kill to show Mom! I'm a mighty hunter! / [[Snooch drops the toy]] / Ebenezer: That's a plush armadillo toy. / Snooch: So? / Ebenezer: It doesn't count as a "kill," picklebrain. / Snooch: It's not ALIVE, is it? / [[Snooch walks away with the toy]] / Ebenezer: No, but it was never alive to begin with. / Snooch: You have no cited source for proof! So I'm right! / Ebenezer: ...I should have never shown you Wikipedia.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090116.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer stares, startled, at Snooch holding a plush toy in his mouth]] / Ebenezer: What in Sif's neti pot are you doing? / Snooch: I'm takin' my kill to show Mom! I'm a mighty hunter! / [[Snooch drops the toy]] / Ebenezer: That's a plush armadillo toy. / Snooch: So? / Ebenezer: It doesn't count as a "kill," picklebrain. / Snooch: It's not ALIVE, is it? / [[Snooch walks away with the toy]] / Ebenezer: No, but it was never alive to begin with. / Snooch: You have no cited source for proof! So I'm right! / Ebenezer: ...I should have never shown you Wikipedia.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090116.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Eben sleeping on couch]] / Snooch: zzz... have some gooshyfood, Mr. Squirrel! zz... / [[Eben is awake and listening]] / Snooch: ...no, there's plenty... been hidin' it from Eben... 's behind the radiator... / Snooch: ...be the Squirrel King? I'd love to... / Eben [[walking away]]: Off to empty the Royal Nutjob's treasury, then...
http://twolumps.net/d/20090119.html
 
Two Lumps [[Eben is sitting reading a book]] / [[Eben looks up to see Snooch wearing a colorful ethnic mask]] / Snooch: BOOGA! / [[Eben looks back down at book]] / Snooch: Not even gonna ask? / Eben: Nope. / Snooch: Awww...
http://twolumps.net/d/20090121.html
Two Lumps [[Eben approaches couch. Snooch is drooped over front of couch]] / Eben: "Theme drinks are in! I'll be famous!" he says. / Eben [[sitting]]: "Tom Collins mix and Sailor Jerry rum will be delicious!" he says. / Snooch: *urgh* / Eben [[washing himself]]: "Everyone will want a Tom & Jerry!" he says... / Snooch: WILL YOU LET ME DIE IN PEACE?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090123.html
Two Lumps [[Eben approaches couch. Snooch is drooped over front of couch]] / Eben: "Theme drinks are in! I'll be famous!" he says. / Eben [[sitting]]: "Tom Collins mix and Sailor Jerry rum will be delicious!" he says. / Snooch: *urgh* / Eben [[washing himself]]: "Everyone will want a Tom & Jerry!" he says... / Snooch: WILL YOU LET ME DIE IN PEACE?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090123.html
Two Lumps [[Eben is looking at Snooch. Snooch is holding a marker in his mouth, with a paper on the floor in front of him]] / Eben: Writing the Unified Field Theory? / Snooch: Huh? Nah, I figured with the new president an' stuff, I could sell tee shirts! / Eben [[twisting head to read paper]]: "As American as apple pie and yer Mom." / Snooch: I'm-a make a million! / Eben [[tail twitching]]: The saying is "As American as Mom's Apple Pie." / Snooch: Same thing. / Eben: NO IT IS NOT.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090126.html
Two Lumps [[Mom is sitting in front of a computer]] / Mom: BRB guys. Bio Break. Don't start the raid without me. / [[Mom is gone, Eben is sitting by the computer chair]] / [[Mom returns. Eben is curled up on chair]] / Mom: I was there first, Eben. / Eben: Some people keep their chairs. Others eat $#!^ and die.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090128.html
Two Lumps [[Close-up of Snooch's and Eben's faces]] / Snooch: Hey, Eben! What's this doohickey? / Eben: Looks like Mom finally got a webcam. / [[Close-up of Snooch with gleeful expression]] / Snooch: Wazzat? / Eben: It's like a regular videocamera, but what it sees is viewed by everyone in the world. / Snooch: COOL! / Eben: What the quatorze are you doing up there? / Snooch: Living the dream of every cat and SHOWING THE WORLD MY ASS. / [[Very extreme close-up of Snooch's ass]] / Eben: Well done, Snooch.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090130.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting on the bathroom counter, staring into the sink]] / Eben [[on the floor]]: It's a sink, Snooch. / Snooch: I figured it all out. / Eben: Did you now? / Snooch: The water goes from the sink to the shower. Then from the shower to the toilet. But until I can prove it, I'm stickin' to booze. / Eben: This changes what?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090202.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is staring at several lemons on a counter. A pitcher labeled lemonade, filled with with yellow liquid, is also on the counter]] / [[Snooch is now staring at the pitcher of lemonade]] / [[Burning candle appears over Snooch's head. Snooch looks horribly shocked]] / [[Snooch, cowering below the counter with only his eyes showing, stares at a bottle of red Gatorade]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20090204.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is staring at several lemons on a counter. A pitcher labeled lemonade, filled with with yellow liquid, is also on the counter]] / [[Snooch is now staring at the pitcher of lemonade]] / [[Burning candle appears over Snooch's head. Snooch looks horribly shocked]] / [[Snooch, cowering below the counter with only his eyes showing, stares at a bottle of red Gatorade]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20090204.html
Two Lumps [[Eben is lying on couch]] / Mom [[off-panel]]: Sure, I've got that item, I just sent it to my other character for safekeeping. Let me log on my rogue. / [[Snooch walks in front of couch]] / Mom [[off-panel]]: Wait, maybe it was my death knight. No... paladin? Priest? Arrgh, where is that thing?! / Snooch: More WoW? / Eben: Yup. / Mom [[off-panel]]: %$*#%^@%*#!! / Snooch [[bug-eyed]]: What's wrong with Mom? / Eben: Alts-heimer's.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090206.html
Two Lumps [[Eben is lying on couch]] / Mom [[off-panel]]: Sure, I've got that item, I just sent it to my other character for safekeeping. Let me log on my rogue. / [[Snooch walks in front of couch]] / Mom [[off-panel]]: Wait, maybe it was my death knight. No... paladin? Priest? Arrgh, where is that thing?! / Snooch: More WoW? / Eben: Yup. / Mom [[off-panel]]: %$*#%^@%*#!! / Snooch [[bug-eyed]]: What's wrong with Mom? / Eben: Alts-heimer's.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090206.html
Two Lumps Eben [[on couch, washing]]: Plumbing doesn't involve plums, you know. / Snooch [[dragging pipe wrench in his mouth]]: I'm-a put it on Mom's pillow! / Eben: Don't tell me you're going to claim to have hunted THAT. / Snooch: Nah! The email said that "ladies want a huge tool in the bedroom!" / Eben: But...y'know what? Carry on. / Snooch: Woot!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090209.html
Two Lumps Eben [[on couch, washing]]: Plumbing doesn't involve plums, you know. / Snooch [[dragging pipe wrench in his mouth]]: I'm-a put it on Mom's pillow! / Eben: Don't tell me you're going to claim to have hunted THAT. / Snooch: Nah! The email said that "ladies want a huge tool in the bedroom!" / Eben: But...y'know what? Carry on. / Snooch: Woot!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090209.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is reading from a book laying on the floor]] / Snooch: So a psychiatrist works with minds an' emotional stuff. / Eben [[looking away disdainfully]]: Yes. / Snooch: An' a geologist studies stones an' jewels an' stuff. / Eben [[looking at snooch]]: Right. / Snooch: So a psych-ologist makes mood rings! / Eben [[frowning]]: Start over.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090211.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is reading from a book laying on the floor]] / Snooch: So a psychiatrist works with minds an' emotional stuff. / Eben [[looking away disdainfully]]: Yes. / Snooch: An' a geologist studies stones an' jewels an' stuff. / Eben [[looking at snooch]]: Right. / Snooch: So a psych-ologist makes mood rings! / Eben [[frowning]]: Start over.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090211.html
 

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