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Two Lumps [[Snooch is off panel, Ebenezer is jumping, extremely startled, above the couch]] / Snooch: NYOOOOOWWWWW!!! / Ebenezer: GAH! BALROGS! / [[Snooch is sitting in front of couch, Ebenezer is lying on his back on the floor, tail angrily swishing]] / Snooch: DUDE! MOM STEPPED ON ME! ON MY TAIL! / Ebenezer: I suppose you were just innocently bothering her while she's trying to cook? / Snooch: YEAH! / [[Snooch leaves room, Ebenezer licks himself]] / Snooch: I'm gonna go GLARE AT HER! / Ebenezer: If you can't stand the feet... oh, nevermind.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090701.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting in a dark room looking out the window at a brilliant red fireworks burst]] / <> / [[Now looking at Snooch's face with the fireworks reflected in his eyes, Eben is entering the room]] / <> / [[Both Eben and Snooch are looking at a bright turquoise fireworks burst]] / Eben: They're fireworks. / Snooch: OHHHH... I thought God was farting.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090703.html
Two Lumps <<*SLAM*>> / [[Snooch is sitting on kitchen floor]] / Snooch: MEEEER!!! / Mom off panel: Oh for Pete's sake, Snooch, I was just taking out the garbage. / Snooch: So? / Mom: Just because I come through the door doesn't mean you get fed again. / Snooch: SINCE WHEN!?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090706.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is approaching Snooch, who is sticking his tongue out at a box of black stringy things on the floor]] / Snooch: This licorice is awful! / Ebenezer: That's because they're plastic. / Snooch: That's stupid! / Ebenezer: It's not candy, zagnut. They're cable ties. / Snooch: That's even stupider! / Ebenezer: How so? / Snooch: I mess with the cable box all the time! It ain't even got a neck! / [[Snooch walks away in disgust, tail lashing]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20090708.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting on the couch, frowning at an open suitcase also on the couch; Ebenezer is on the floor]] / Snooch: Mom's going away without us again? No fair! / Ebenezer: She's meeting up with other cartoonists at something called "ComicCon". / Snooch: She knows real cartoonists?! / Ebenezer [[looking behind couch]]: Sure, don't you remember? I have a photo from last year back here... / [[Photo showing four sets of legs: bare hairy ones with yellow, red and blue sneakers, navy blue slacks with black shoes, light blue jeans with gray and white sneakers, black skirt with red and dark gray boots]] / Ebenezer: There's Randy Milholland, Aiere, Chris Daily, and Jennie Breeden. / Snooch: Oh, now I rec'nize em! / Snooch: I'm still gonna pee in the suitcase, tho. / Ebenezer: Of course.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090710.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch, wearing band with kana over his eyes, is waving his paw over a basket of brown rolls]] / Snooch: Great croissant basket! / Snooch: Morsels of flaky goodness. / [[Snooch is now on his back, the basket is empty]] / Snooch: Butter-filled stomach.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090713.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, sitting on the couch, is watching Snooch pounce on something on the floor]] / Snooch: DIE EVIL SPIDER! / Ebenezer: That's not a spider. / Snooch: What is it? / Ebenezer: Just a run-of-the-mill chunk of belly button lint. / [[Snooch races out of the room, leaving the lint behind]] / Snooch: EWWWW!!! GROSS!!! / Ebenezer: No, no, go ahead. Eat your kill.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090715.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is sleeping on the couch]] / Voice offpanel (Mom?): FAAAAAT KITTAY CAT! / Ebenezer: ? / [[Hand scratches Ebenezer's back]] / Voice offpanel: FAT FAT FAT CAT! LOOKA THE FAT LITTLE FATTY-FAT KITTY ON THE COUCH, ALL FAT! / <<*skritcha* *skritcha*>> / [[Ebenezer is all puffily fluffed out and indignant]] / Ebenezer: What in the name of... that... that was completely uncalled for! / Voice: FAT CAT! / Ebenezer: I demand an apology!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090717.html
Two Lumps [[Both cats are on the couch]] / Snooch: It's not fair! / Ebenezer: What isn't? / Snooch: Hurricane season! It's hurricane season again! / Ebenezer: Yes, it happens every year. / Snooch: Well, I'm sick of it! Hurricanes! Always hurricanes, hurricanes, HURRICANES! / Ebenezer: Such is the nature of the weather in the Caribbean... / Snooch: I WANT MY BLOODY MARY SEASON!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090720.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is watching Snooch as he reads from a book]] / Snooch: Doooood... / Ebenezer: Oh, good. Reading the Animal Facts Book again, I see. / Snooch: Says here that baby beavers are called "kittens". / Ebenezer: *sigh* I doubt anyone will confuse the two at a pet store, Snooch. / Snooch: Sounds like trademark infrinigration to me. We should get a lawyer. I'm just sayin'.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090722.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are sleeping on the couch]] / Mom off panel: WHAT? They're NERFING INCINERATE AND CHAOS BOLT? And Felsteeds can be picked up at LEVEL TWENTY? ROGUES GET AXES?? SHENANIGANS! / [[Still on the couch]] / [[Still on the couch]] / Snooch: Is Mom on drugs? / Ebenezer: Humans are weird.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090724.html
Two Lumps [[Couch, each end has only one cat tail visible]] / Mom off panel: YOU PEED ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR? / Snooch: YAY! Mom's home and She saw what we did! / Ebenezer: Our displeasure has been noted! / Mom off panel: JESUS FU... YOU PEED ON EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! / Snooch: We are AWESOME! / Ebenezer: Huzzah! The proletariat has a voice! / [[Both cats are now running towards the right]] / Mom off panel: HOW DID YOU PEE ON THE CEILING??? / Ebenezer: That'll teach her to leave us alone for five consecutive days. / Snooch: VIVA LA PEE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090727.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are inspecting a litter box. The box's cover is ajar and litter and other objects are scattered all over the floor around it]] / Ebenezer: Let's check our work again while she cleans pee. Saturation is pretty close to optimal here. Every inch of the grid has been soaked. / Snooch: She's gonna need a SHOVEL to clean that up! / Ebenezer: You missed sector B-3, though. / Snooch: What? B-3 was YOUR assignment! Wasn't it? / [[The cats are walking away in front of the couch]] / Mom off panel: AAAAAAGH! / Ebenezer: Close enough for government work, I guess. / Snooch: We can always try harder next time. / Ebenezer: I doubt there will BE a next time.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090729.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting in front of the TV, looking appalled]] / Television: News flash! Ex-contestants say that the show American Idol is rigged! / [[Snooch now looks disgusted]] / Television: This just in! Michael Jackson is still dead! More on this in a special report! / [[Snooch walks away]] / Television: Breaking news! What to expect from this Fall Season's crop of television sitcoms! / Snooch: Animal Planet ain't been the same without Steve Irwin.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090731.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is on the couch, Snooch is walking in front of it, tail lashing and an angry disgruntled expression]] / Snooch: I don' like that new litter Mom got. / Ebenezer: It's not there to be pretty, Thunderbutt. It's just pine-based. / [[Snooch sits and frantically waves one front paw]] / Snooch: Well it sticks to yer feet somethin' awful. Makes bathin' all nasty. / Ebenezer: It's also eco-friendly and naturally deodorizing. Just deal with it. / Snooch: I just horfed up something... not sure if it's a hairball or a pinecone. / Ebenezer: Better than the "Poop-pourri" joke I was expecting, I guess.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090803.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the computer chair]] / Snooch off panel: BEN-BEN! You busy right now? / Eben: Call me that again and I'll staple your ears to your butt. / [[Snooch looks pleadingly at Eben]] / Snooch: Can I PUH-LEEZ use the computer? / Eben: I already said no. / Snooch: PRETTY-PLEASE? / Eben: NO. / [[Snooch leaves]] / Snooch: FINE! HMPH! / Eben: For the last time, you can't toast marshmallows over Mom's Firewall!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090805.html
Two Lumps [[Three panels laid out side-by-side. Above the left panel: Manuel the Wonder Snail. Above the right panel: J. Grant.]] / [[All three panels show a path in front of shrubbery. In the center panel is a snail in the middle of the path saying: REVENGE!!!]] / [[Under the right panel: Manuel's economy only deals in death.]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20090806.html
Two Lumps [[New cellphone (looks like a new iPhone) and box sitting on counter]] / Snooch off panel: Mom hasn't been pettin' us enough since she got that new toy! I hate it! / Ebenezer off panel: Whatever it is, I think she left it over here. Time to see what infernal device could possibly trump belly rubbins. / [[Ebenezer glares at new phone]] / Ebenezer: Oh. Oh my. She's doomed. / [[Snooch joins Ebenezer]] / Snooch: Is that... a PHONE? / Ebenezer: We may never see her again... unless we act quickly, my brother.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090807.html
Two Lumps [[Three panels laid out side-by-side. Above the left panel: Manuel the Wonder Snail.Above the right panel: J. Grant]] / [[All three panels show a path in front of shrubbery. In the center panel a snail is in the middle of the path]] / [[Below the right panel: He's that hardcore]] / Please also see strip of 8/6/09
http://twolumps.net/d/20090808.html
Two Lumps [[Close-up of keys, sunglasses, assorted paper stuff and a bright, shiny new iPhone with lots of colorful app icons]] / [[Same scene with sound effects of DING DING DING DING DING!!! Phone screen now displays "iMeer Application" "TIME TO PET THE CATS" "CLOSE"]] / [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting on the couch]] / Mom off panel: F*$(ING @#%&!!!! HOW DID THIS GET ON MY PHONE, AND HOW DO I TURN IT OFF??? / Snooch: Think she'll figure out it was you? / Eben: Don't be silly. Humans can barely use the interface with thumbs. Hou would I do it with my paws?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090810.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebeneezer sits on a couch, ears back, watching Snooch playing with something on his back on the floor]] / Snooch: WEEEE! WEEE HEE HEE! / [[Closer up, Ebeneezer looks quizzical while Snooch continues to bat his owner's iPhone]] / Snooch: Take that! And that! Woo hoo hoo! Yeah, homie! / Ebeneezer: You're going to have to play with it a lot harder in order to break-- / Snooch: DUDE! It's got BEJEWELED on it! / Ebeneezer: ...really?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090812.html
Two Lumps [[Full color photo of Caramon standing on a counter where a sink is filling up with water]] / In 1997, Mel Hynes bought a pair of Russian Blue kittens, and named them after the brothers in the Dragonlance series of novels: Raistlin and Caramon. / Strangely, they grew into their names. Raist was thinner and sneaky as an adult, and Caramon was seriously large and less intelligent. / I started doing Two Lumps after Mel and I began dating back in Jan of 2003. I'd sworn off webcomics in favor of writing novels. But there was something about these two cats that just required a comic about them. Raist became Eben, and Caramon became Snooch. / [[Full color photo of Caramon reclining on a stack of comics]] / He was a fat little bastard. One of the largest cats I've ever known, and he hated my guts the moment I stepped into the house. This later reduced to a simmering disdain for me. / Unlike Snooch, Caramon was whiny. Loudly so. His worldview involving humans seemed to be "You are here to serve me, monkey." Woe betide the human who was late filling the food bowl. / He also enjoyed killing bugs. / I'm digressing. / On Thursday, August 6th, we noticed that he wasn't eating. This was fucking weird and alarming. Rare was an hour that Caramon wasn't face-deep in a bowl of food. / When his condition didn't improve by Monday, I took him to the vet while Mel was at work. The doc immediately identified that Caramon seemed to be suffering from kidney failure. / They gave him kitty dialysis for three days, and he did not improve. His kidneys were done. / On Wednesday, he passed away surrounded by us, purring, stoned on painkillers. / I didn't make this memorial to bring you all down. / For those wondering: Yes, Two Lumps will go on. No, we will not suddenly replace Snooch with some other cat. To be honest, Snooch is a perfect way of keeping Caramon immortal. / And that's the least I can do for the little fat bastard's memory. / Because as much as he may have clawed me, snorted derisively at me (true story), and acted like a little whiny jerk at times, I really loved that little punk. He is already missed sorely. / [[Full collor front view photo of Caramon sitting 'loaf style on the headrest of a stuffed chair]] / Caramon / 1997-2009 / A good goddamn cat. / -J.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090814.html
Two Lumps [[Looking past the back of Ebenezer's head at a television, which shows a map of Florida dangling off the southeast US. A red, orange, and yellow weather storm pattern centers on the west coast of the state]] / News announcer: ...with the formation of Tropical Storm Claudette, the 2009 storm season begins. / [[Snooch joins Ebenezer watching the television]] / News announcer: This storm is expected to make landfall in Florida sometime around early Monday Morning... / Snooch: How rude! / Ebenezer: Rude? / Snooch: These hurry-canes are always stepping on America's tail!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090817.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting on the couch]] / Snooch: So Mom's eatin' sushi, which is raw fish. / Eben: That is correct. / Snooch: But it's people food, because it's got rice and soy sauce? / Eben: Actually, most dry kibble for cats contains both soy and rice. / Snooch: MOM'S EATIN' OUR FOODS! I'M GONNA SUE!!! / Eben: Look, if you want some, just go over and meer at her like a normal cat.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090819.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is reading a book on the floor]] / Snooch off panel: The water dish is almost empty! / Ebenezer: Yes, I heard you the first nineteen times. Mom will be home soon. / [[Ebenezer looks up at Snooch, who is wearing a spiked collar, helmet with eyeshield/visor and a cloth wrapping on his left front paw]] / Snooch: We're running out of water! The water chip broke! / Ebenezer: How did y... No. You know what? Don't tell me how. / Snooch: Think it'll get the point across to Mom? / Ebenezer: That you're an idiot? Why yes, I think so! Now go play in a radioactive vault.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090821.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is walking past several scattered bottles]] / Eben: "I love soda! I love gravy!" he said. "How could gravy soda NOT be delicious?" he said. / Eben: So, what exactly have we learned today, then? / Snooch off panel: Avvertizin' lies. / [[Ebenezer sits near Snooch, who is sprawled on the floor surrounded by bottles]] / Eben: Well, that and don't drink anything more then 4 years old. / Snooch: BUT... BUT WHAT ABOUT MY SCOTCH?
http://twolumps.net/d/20090824.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting on a raised surface, eyes wide open, Ebenezer's eyes are showing at the edge]] / Snooch: BENNY. OMG. WE HAVE ANOTHER FLOOR. / Eben: Huh, Mom got a new tile-topped dining table. Tres chic. / Snooch: THE TABLE IS MADE OF THE FLOOR, BENNY. / Eben: Well, yes, it's made of flooring tiles set in a wrought gridwork to-- / Snooch: WHICH FLOOR IS THE TRUE FLOOR?! WHERE DO I WALK?! / Eben: That's it. I'm gluing carpet to the ceiling while you sleep, just to see your head explode.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090826.html
Two Lumps [[Close-up: Snooch has a headband, with kanji on it, covering his eyes. The background is blue]] / Snooch: Solid mountain stands. / Snooch: Icy winds blast up its peaks! / [[Scene pulls back to show Snooch sitting on a vent and Ebenezer's face at the right]] / Snooch: But stone is unmoved. / Eben: Get off the A/C vent before I strangle you with your own headband.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090828.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who has his face stuffed into a bowl]] / Eben: Ice cream again? Ever heard of feline diabetes? / Snooch: Yup. The innernet sez it means you get ta eat gooshyfood f'r every meal! / [[Ebenezer sits and glares at Snooch]] / [[Ebenezer sits in the computer chair and stares at the computer screen]] / [[Ebenezer goes back to the kitchen where Snooch is still eating]] / Eben: Okay. Budge over, you brilliant catstard. / Snooch: No way! Get yer own!
http://twolumps.net/d/20090831.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are frowning at an open letter on the floor]] / Snooch: Dagnabbit! I don't wanna get my teeths cleaned! / Eben: Well, we're due whether you like it or not. / Snooch: NOT! / [[Snooch walks away]] / Eben: You'd rather your teeth fell out? Not a good choice. / Snooch: Nuh-uh! I gots it covered! / [[Snooch returns with a set of pink-gummed dentures stuffed in his mouth]] / Eben: HOLY FENRIS'S FRUIT BASKET! / Snooch: I gorrum oudda Grnamma's shootcashe! / Eben: And straight into my nightmares. Thanks SO much.
http://twolumps.net/d/20090902.html
 

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