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Two Lumps [[Snooch, sitting in a chair, and Ebenezer, on the floor, are looking at the computer screen]] / Snooch: "Try this tip, discovered by a mom, for white teeth!" "one weird tip, from a single mom, to tighten abs!" What's this stuff? / Eben: The eternal spam machine rolls on.l / Snooch: No, I mean, mom's awesome, but what does she know about dentist stuff? / Eben, walking away: Amazingly, some people think that the less qualified a person giving advice is, the more "folksy" and therefore valid it is. It's a human thing. / [[Snooch, grinning, taps at the keyboard]] / On computer screen: LOOSE WEIHT NOW!!! THIS !!1!! WEERD TRIK FOUND BY A CAT WILL SHED THE POUNDZ!! MAIL ALL YUR FOOD TO_
http://twolumps.net/d/20100122.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting wearing a blindfold with a kanji on it]] / Snooch: Winter chill is here. / [[Background is now a snowy scene with a glowing red Japanese structure]] / Snooch: Silent snow blankets the world. / [[Snooch is sitting in a bread basket]] / Snooch: Fresh rolls keep butt warm.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100125.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch comes racing into the room, where Ebenezer is laying on the couch]] / Snooch: AAAAHHHH! MOM'S A WITCH! She's stirrin' a huge pot an' cacklin' an talkin' 'bout Wart of Sparta! / Eben: And yet, you look decidedly un-newt-like. / [[Snooch now sits wide-eyed]] / Snooch: It's gonna be Tail of Cat next, I bet! / Eben: Chill, fuzzbucket. She's just brewing beer. "Sparging the wort" is just part of the process. Got it? / [[Snooch grins widely]] / Snooch: Wait... She's like Glinda? The Good Beer Witch of the South? / Eben: Close enough. Go practice your flying monkey imitation.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100127.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking out the window and it's pouring down rain]] / Snooch: Benny! / Ebenezer off panel: Argh. What? / Snooch: I know rain is water falling down, but how does it get up in the sky first? / Eben off panel: Evaporation. You know how there's steam when Mom boils water? / Snooch: Yeah? / Eben off panel: The steam is water. It goes up in the air until there's enough to make it rain. / Snooch: Mom needs to cut back on making so much tea.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100129.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch are standing by a bag of jellybeans. Beans are scattered on the floor.]] / Snooch: Hee! These All-Flavors Jellybeans're neat! An' some are gross! What do you think the grossest flavor is? / Eben: Cat Flavor would be the most disturbing. / Snooch: Ewwww! I'd never eat that one! / Eben (walking away): But how would you know that's what flavor it was, unless you were already a cannibal? / [[Snooch sits frozen, eyes as large as saucers, tail standing straight up.]] / [[Night has fallen. Snooch sits frozen, eyes as large as sauchers, tail standing straight up.]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20100201.html
 
Two Lumps [Same scene as previous comic. Snooch is sitting, eyes as large as saucers, tail sticking up straight. Eben walks into the panel.] / Eben: Oh, chill out, Fructose Avenger, it was a joke. You lick yourself all the time. You KNOW what Cat tastes like. / Snooch: Oh, yeah. Haven't run into that flavor yet. / Eben: Looks like luck continues to favor the stupid. / Snooch: Ya think that flavor is really out there? / Eben: Somehow I doubt "Butt-Flavor Beans" made it past marketing.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100203.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is lying prone. His legs are splayed out, his whiskers are limp, he's wall-eyed, and little bubbles are rising from his head. Ebenezer is sitting nearby. There's also a cup.]] / Snooch: I feel like I licked a tar pit. / Ebenezer: That's what you get for drinking so much last night. Here, you have a leftover cup of beer. A little hair of the dog might help. / Ebenezer: Whoa. Why the death glare, Sisyphus? / Snooch: YOU PUT DOG HAIR IN MY BEER??? / Ebenezer: It's just an expre-- / Snooch: WHY DID YOU PUT DOG HAIR IN MY BEER???
http://twolumps.net/d/20100205.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are sitting in front of a television.]] / <<*Thweet*!>> / Snooch: YAY! Touchdown! / Ebenezer: That wasn't a touchdown, it was a tackle. / Snooch: But...he touched the ground with his hands. Down. / Ebenezer: Once again: a touchdown is when they get the ball to the end zone. / Snooch: Next you're gonna tell me there's no big bowl of food. / Ebenezer: No, no, I'm not.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100208.html
Two Lumps Snooch (from off-panel): WHO DAT? / Ebenezer: Snooch, the Super Bowl was on Sunday. Give it a rest. / Snooch (still off-panel): WHO DAT? / Ebenezer: Enough. The Saints won. You don't even follow football. / Snooch: WHO DAT? / Ebenezer: Ah. Head stuck in a sock again. / Snooch: WHO SAID DAT? WHERE AM I?
http://twolumps.net/d/20100210.html
Two Lumps "Mom": Wait, you're sending me...a whole lutefisk? / Snooch: What's a lutefork? / Ebenezer: Lutefisk. It's basically a dish made from cod. / "Mom": Oh Gramma, you shouldn't have. No...REALLY. / Snooch (grinning): We're getting a GIANT FISH? / Ebenezer: I'd curb that excitement if I were you. / [[The cats are sitting in front of a food dish full of glop, from which arises wavy lines of stinkiness topped with a skull and crossbones.]] / Snooch: THERE IS NO GOD. / Ebenezer: The things people will do to perfectly viable food.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100212.html
 
Two Lumps (no artwork whatsoever) / Hey Folks! James and Mel are totally without electric power at the mo, thanks to the snowstorm. Waiting for Oncor to resume service. Makeup strips will be posted as soon as we're back in business.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100214.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch are napping on the couch.]] / Snooch: Man, it is snowing like crazy whoa outside. / Ebenezer: At least we're in here, where it's warm. / [[Sudden darkness.]] / <<*bzzt*>> / [[Still dark. We see Snooch and Ebenezer only as open white eyes against the black.]] / Snooch: Benny? / Ebenezer: Ye gods. / Snooch: WTF just happened? / Ebenezer: I think the power just went out. / Snooch: Went out where? / Ebenezer: That's a good question. / Snooch: When's it coming back? / Ebenezer: Yet another good one.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100215.html
Two Lumps [[Darkness. The boys are visible only as eyes.]] / Snooch: The power's out! We better tell Mom! / "Mom": F*&#ING ONCOR!!! / Ebenezer: I think she already knows. / Snooch: What's that about a Encore? / Ebenezer: Oncor. The company that supplies all electric wiring to Dallas. / Snooch: Oncor...More like OFF-COR! M I RITE? / Ebenezer: If I could see you, I'd kill you.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100217.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Man, when Mom said they were slow gettin' the lights back on she meant it! Is the dimmer on or somethin'? / Ebenezer: Those aren't the lights, resistorhead. That's dawn. / Snooch: Wo. I can't remember last time I was up this early! / Ebenezer: Do what you like. I'm going to sleep through as much of the blackout as I can. / Snooch: Oh hey! It's Saturday! Cartoons're on! Where's the remote? / Ebenezer: Screaming realization in three... two...
http://twolumps.net/d/20100219.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Dying of...no TV...all day...ever'thin's gettin' dark... / Ebenezer: The sun's setting, Ennui McNugget. Looks like we're in for another cold, dark night. / Snooch: WAT. / Snooch (in flames): NO. I WILL NOT SIT FOR YET ANOTHER NIGHT OF THIS. / Ebenezer: Gah! / Snooch: IF THEY DON'T FIX THE POWER RIGHT NOW I SWEAR BY THE BLOODSTAINED CROWN OF SNUFFLEUPAGUS THAT I WILL-- / <<*bzoink*>> / Snooch: Yay! It worked! / Ebenezer: You can't just threaten the power back on...but under the circumstances I'm not arguing!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100222.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is grinning at a computer.]] / Snooch: ELECTRICITY!!! / [[The television is on. Snooch is grinning at it.]] / Snooch: ELECTRICITY!!! / [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting in front of the couch.]] / Snooch: ELEC-- / Ebenezer: WHY DON'T YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE IN THE SOCKET AND SEE IF IT'S FRESH?
http://twolumps.net/d/20100224.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is walking towards Snooch, who is lying down in front of a bowl.]] / <> / Ebenezer: Where'd you get milk? I thought everything in the fridge went bad during the outage. / Snooch: A couple days ago, this was vanilla ice cream. / Ebenezer: I don't know whether that's revolting or brilliant. Let me try some! / Snooch (lashing his tail): DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU, BENNY. / Ebenezer (ears back): Yeesh, fine, I'll get my own drink. Maybe the milk hasn't gone too sour. / Snooch: Tell it I said hi. When I checked it was tryin' to d'scover fire.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100226.html
a class="searchlink" href="http://twolumps.net/d/20100301.html">http://twolumps.net/d/20100301.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting next to an iPod, wearing headphones.]] / <> / iPod: Nature Meditation, part 1: You find yourself next to a creek in the springtime. It babbles and flows past, cool and clear. / iPod: You wade into the creek, feeling the water caress your skin. / [[Snooch's eyes go wide.]] / [[Snooch is gone. The iPod that was leaning against his body flies flat on the floor. Sound continues to come from the headphones, but there is no one to hear it.]] / iPod: Floating in the water, you breathe deeply, feeling your stress ebb away...
http://twolumps.net/d/20100303.html
Two Lumps [[Interior of a concrete bunker. Snooch is standing, holding a futuristic-looking gun, chomping on a lit cigar; Ebenezer sits behind him. Both are wearing futuristic green uniforms. Snooch's has a head-mounted light and a targeting sight over his right eye; Ebenezer is wearing a visor and a headset, and has a skull emblem. Title: SPATULA WARS: PART IV]] / Narration: CORPORAL EBENEZER'S LOG, 03/05 / This battle has raged harder than any other I've seen. Still, Private Snooch fights on. His rifle spits death non-stop at the enemy. / [[Pull back to see the bunker. Its big guns on top are twisted and useless, it's stitched with bullet holes. Mechanical-looking ducks on caterpillar treads are coming at it. One is exploding, another lies on the ground aflame.]] / Narration: The other side has resorted to a batallion of their newest McQuack Tanks. I have uploaded the data on these new models for HQ to use. / [[Closeup on Eben.]] / Narration: One thing I have learned in this calling, one thing I can tell my eventual grandchildren: War is hell.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100305.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting in front of a computer.]] / Snooch (singing): I love cat macros, / I love the online games, / I love the cartoons, / an' generatin' names! / Snooch: I love the innernets, / They're full of funny things! / Snooch: Boom de yadda, / Boom de YAAAAGH! / Ebenezer: I love the Safe Search...
http://twolumps.net/d/20100308.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are sitting on the couch. Snooch's eyes are wide open]] / Eben: Are you still freaking out? You've seen worse on the internet before. / Snooch: It's not that... y'know how in movies, computers keep comin' to life an' killin' everyone? / Eben: There've been a few on that topic. / Snooch: An' y'know how the internet's ON computers? / Eben: A vast simplification, but yes. / Snooch: That means computers gotta look at that stuff ALL THE TIME. / Eben: That's not how it- / Snooch: ALL THE TIME.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100310.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Oooo! BUTTERFLY! / Ebenezer: They don't actually taste like butter, you know. / Snooch (jumping): GONNA GET IT! RAAA! C'MERE! / Snooch: Hmph. / [[Snooch is now lying flat on his back.]] / Ebenezer: Sour grapes? / Snooch: Yeah, I could go for some wine.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100312.html
Two Lumps [[A picture of Snooch, a bit scribblier than usual.]] / Snooch: Benny! I been drawing! Self-portrait! / Ebenezer: An uncanny likeness. I see you've learned some tricks from that art book I showed you. / [[The same picture as before, but with a bottle next to Snooch and a white blob covering the head.]] / Snooch: Now...I erase...mmph...an' put in vodka an' the lampshade! / Ebenezer: No, you fool. That's not what "shading" means in art. / [[Snooch sits with disgruntled expression, a pencil in his mouth, as Ebenezer walks away.]] / [[The same picture as before, now with a stack of blocks added over to the right.]] / Snooch: An' now I draw me with ALL THE GOOSHY FOOD. Eben gets NONE. Nyah!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100315.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking at a book.]] / Ebenezer: What's that, brisket-butt? / Snooch: Mom left it lyin' out. It's called "Now We Are Six". / Ebenezer: Ah, good old A. A. Milne. Classic children's literature. Right up your alley, really. / Snooch: Yeah! An' I can't wait to read the next one! It's about a litterbox! / [[Ebenezer looks nonplussed.]] / Ebenezer: ...that is NOT what "The House at Pooh Corner" is about. / Snooch: But our box has a roof, an' it's in the corner, an' we-- / Ebenezer: Shut up before I Tigger this book off your head.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100317.html
 
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch are by the couch. There's a framed random-dot stereogram sitting on the couch.]] / Ebenezer: Found out paintings aren't scratch-n-sniff? / Snooch: This stupid picture is broken. It's s'posed to be a sailboat. / Ebenezer: It's an old Magic Eye picture. You have to look at it a certain way. / Snooch: Like how? / Ebenezer: Well...kind of let your eyes relax. Pretend you're falling asleep. / [[Snooch's fur is standing on end, and his eyes are blanked out.]] / Snooch: AUGH! I'M BLIND! Spooky picture magicked my eyes!! / Ebenezer: That's your nicitating membrane, numbwit. Not THAT relaxed.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100319.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking at a book.]] / Snooch: Sooooo...Frodo had to throw the ring into Mount Doom? / Ebenezer: Yes. It took them a long time and many miles of hardship. / Snooch: And after that, the King of the Eagles flew everyone back? / Ebenezer: Yes. He flew them... from...um. / [[Snooch walks away looking disgruntled, tail lashing.]] / Snooch: Man F*$# this book. / Ebenezer: Wait! The eagle king couldn't fly them there because...er... / Snooch: Whatever.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100322.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are hiding behind the couch. The air is filled with smoke.]] / "Mom": DAMN IT! I JUST BOUGHT THAT THING! / Ebenezer: WHAT were you trying to cook? / Snooch: I wasn't! I saw a cute cat onna computer an' I wanted to send her a present! / "Mom" (walking past): Where's the extinguisher? / Ebenezer: I think burnt offerings are a little out of style. / Snooch: No, the innernet said girls like it when you make 'em a mix tape! / <<*FOOSH*>> / Ebenezer: And the blender caught on fire when? / Snooch: Well, the packing stuff went in fine. I think it was somewhere between the scotch and the duct tape.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100324.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is watching television.]] / Television: ...Democrats suffering death threats over the passage of the health care bill. / Television: Canadians and citizens of the UK are all like "WTF" over this. Like, they don't get what this is about. Srsly. / [[Ebenezer enters.]] / Snooch: Humans are freakin' weird creatures. / Ebenezer: Word.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100326.html
Two Lumps [[The cats are on the couch. Ebenezer is stretching and yawning.]] / Ebenezer: Mmm. Nothing like a long nap after dinner, right? / Snooch: Nah, I totally stayed up! Been watchin' movies! / Ebenezer: What's on? / Snooch: Sweeney Todd! / Ebenezer: ...and you're not completely flipping out? What do you think it was about? / Snooch: Everyone was singin' and dancin'! Then Jack Sparrow invented pot pies! Then they lived happily ever after! / Ebenezer: You fell asleep halfway through, didn't you? / Snooch: ...Maybe.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100329.html
 

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