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Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking at a book and frowning heavily.]] / Snooch: THIS MAKES NO SENSE. / Ebenezer: Shakespeare? Well, there might be a bit of a language barrier. / Snooch: WHY does this guy have a fishstick in his pants? / Ebenezer: Actually a "codpiece" is an item of clothing. Once you pick up the language it'll make sense. / Snooch (smiling): Ohhh...so this other guy doesn't really have a donkey head either? / Ebenezer (walking away): Sorry, there you're just stuck being confused.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100331.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch's head is visible poking out of the hatch of a tank. Big title: SPATULA WARS: THE ENEMY LURKING]] / Snooch: Dude, I can't believe we captured this thing! Start the tank, Eben! / Ebenezer: OH FOR THE LOVE OF OSIRIS'S LOX AND BAGELS! / Ebenezer: FOR THE LAST TIME, this is NOT a tank! It's a 300 mm armor plated Howitz-Spalding Mk VII Mobile Plasma Cannon! It's ARTILLERY. One shot of this baby can level an entire enemy base! If we get our coordinates right -- / Snooch (grinning maniacally): IT CAN WHAT? / Ebenezer: Just listen to -- / Snooch: START THE TANK! START THE TANK! / Ebenezer: F#%&!!!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100402.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Music is stupid. / Ebenezer: I told you, you don't have the right kind of lips to play harmonica. / Snooch: No, the innernets said that ol'-school hip-hop's mostly scratching records. I fig'red, I know how to scratch! / Ebenezer: Good thing Mom hasn't had vinyl records since the '80s. / Snooch: Yeah. I tried it on her CD's, but it just went SKREE SKREE SKREE... / Ebenezer: You know, I hear Antarctica is lovely this time of year...
http://twolumps.net/d/20100405.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch, Snooch sitting next to him.]] / Ebenezer: Ah, Spring, when a young... / Snooch: Sorta... / Ebenezer: YOUNG cat's thoughts turn to love. / [[In a thought balloon above Ebenezer is a picture of a long-haired cat with a pink ribbon on the tail.]] / Ebenezer: *sigh* / [[In a thought balloon above Snooch's is a picture of a can labeled "Gooshy Food".]] / Snooch: *sigh* / Ebenezer: Wait, why'd YOU sigh? / Snooch: What? I, uh, burped.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100407.html
Two Lumps [[Enter Ebenezer. Snooch is wearing denim overalls and a straw hat, and is surrounded by flowerpots and a big bag marked "SOIL". On the left is a book.]] / Ebenezer: "Farming for Morons"? / Snooch: Yeah! I'm-a grow food an' then I never hafta wait for dinner! / Ebenezer: Oh? Where'd you get the seeds? / Snooch: Mom's Easter Basket! / Ebenezer: You do know that jelly beans aren't real beans, right? / Snooch: Come ON, Benny! I'm not THAT dumb! / Ebenezer: Apologies. What DID you plant? / Snooch: Peeps! I'm-a grow fried chicken!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100409.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is looking up at a jar on the kitchen counter. The jar is labeled with a picture of a chicken]] / Snooch: Eben! How do chickens make bouillon cubes? Do they lay 'em like they do eggs? / Ebenezer (from off-panel): What? No! Chickens don't lay broth cubes. / Snooch: Huh? Then who does? / Ebenezer: Stock cubes are made by dehydrating the broth into a concentrate, along with salt, oils, and vegetable matter. / Snooch: DUDE. Chickens got some mad mind control skills if they can make humans do all that. / Ebenezer: Will you get out of the kitchen?
http://twolumps.net/d/20100412.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch.]] / <<*SCHWACK*>> / Snooch (from off-panel): DIE! WAH HA HA! / <<*SCHWACK*>> / Snooch: DIE, FOUL BEASTS! / Ebenezer: What are you murdering in there? / <<*SCHWACK*>> / Snooch (still off-panel): VAMPIRES! / Ebenezer: Argh. / [[Enter Snooch, looking very pleased with himself.]] / Ebenezer: Again: Mosquitos are NOT vampires. / Snooch: Are too. / Ebenezer: No. / Snooch: YES!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100414.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: What ho, pamplemousse? / Snooch: Dude! Mom got a fishbowl! But either there's no fish, or it's hiding. / Ebenezer: It's being Koi, eh? / Snooch: Something like that. / [[Wordless panel of Snooch staring at the bowl.]] / Ebenezer: My puns are WASTED in this house. / Snooch: No, no, I got that one.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100416.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch, a wide grin on his face, is looking at a fishbowl with a plant, a castle, and an angry-looking fish in it]] / Snooch: Benny! There IS a fish in there! / Ebenezer off panel: I saw. Mom put it in this morning. / Snooch: Awesome! / [[Snooch continues watching the fish]] / [[And continues watching]] / Snooch: Benny? I think the fish is broken. / Eben off panel: Is it floating upside-down? / Snooch: No. / Eben: Then what is it doing? / Snooch: Nothing. It just floats around. / Eben off panel: Then it's working properly.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100419.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is staring at an angry fish in a fishbowl. Ebenezer is watching]] / Eben: Trying to control our new roommate's mind via your psychic powers? / Snooch: Starin' contest. / [[Close-up of Snooch and the fish]] / Snooch: He started it. My nicotation membranes give me the edge. I will not be distracted. I will win. / Eben off panel: Hey, if you hear Mom opening a can of gooshy food, it's probably just a distraction. / Snooch: I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100421.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch and the fish continue their staring contest.]] / [[Zoom in a little more; Snooch and the fish continue staring, wordless.]] / Fish: SOCIALIST! / [[Snooch rears back, startled.]] / Snooch: Gah!!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100423.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is still facing down the fish.]] / Snooch: What? I ain't a fancy lady goin' out to movie star parties! / Fish: Not a socialite, ya moron! Yer a socialist! / Snooch: No, I'm a Russian Blue. / Fish: A...Russian...Blue?! / Fish: COMMUNIST DEMOCRAT!!! / Snooch: I'm just gonna be under the couch now.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100426.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is lying on the couch. Snooch is stalking in from stage left, looking disgruntled and lashing his tail.]] / Snooch: That fish is a JERK! / Ebenezer: Oh? / Snooch: He called me a socialist, Marxist, communist democrat! / [[Closeup on Ebenezer who is looking nonplussed.]] / [[Snooch is now lying on the couch with Eben.]] / Ebenezer: Come again? / Snooch: I don't even know what those words MEAN! / Ebenezer: Neither do I when you use them all together like that.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100428.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is looking into the fishbowl.]] / Ebenezer: Greetings, fish. My brother reports that you've been saying ridiculous things, and I wanted to clarify -- / Fish: COMMIE DEMOCRAT! / Ebenezer: Ah. Look, you. Democracy and Socialism are completely disparate concepts. It would be almost impossible -- / Fish: DON'T TREAD ON ME! / Ebenezer: I'm tempted to yank him out and eat him, even though I know he'd taste awful. / Fish: FASCIST SOCIALIST!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100430.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer continues to have it out with the fish.]] / Fish: GO HOME, COMMIE! / Ebenezer: I was born here. "Russian" is just a historical part of the breed. / Fish: DON'T MATTER! ONCE YA GET COMMIE IN THE BLOODLINE IT'S ALL OVER! / Ebenezer: Say, aren't koi historically from Communist China? / [[The fish hangs there speechless.]] / Ebenezer: The best part is I can't tell if you're making that face out of shock or just because you're a fish.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100503.html
 
Two Lumps Fish: DON'T MATTER! I RENOUNCE THAT HERITAGE BY BEING AGGRESSIVELY PATRIOTIC! NOT LIKE YOU LIBERAL SOCIALIST NAZI HIPPIES! / Ebenezer: Yup, that's me. Heil Granola. / Ebenezer: Seriously, you think you're going to start a revolution from inside a fishbowl? / Fish: I AIN'T A REVOLUTIONARY! JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED STRONG-MINDED PATRIOT! / Ebenezer: More like a McCarpyist. / Fish: YOU...YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100505.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: Look, fish. I'm not your enemy. / Fish: OH YEAH? THEN WHO IS? / Ebenezer: I dunno. I'm just saying we're all a family in here, so we're all on the same side. / Fish: YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S THE OUTSIDERS WHO'RE THE PROBLEM! WHO SHOULD I BE WATCHING? / Ebenezer: Well, I've always thought the neighbors' Pomeranian was a bit suspicious... / Fish: 10-4, GOOD BUDDY! JUST SHOVE MY BOWL OVER TO THE WINDOW!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100507.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch are sitting on the couch.]] / Snooch: Whatdja get Mom for Mother's Day? / Ebenezer: A friend in the financial sector owed me a favor, so I reduced the interest rate on her credit cards. You? / Snooch: Ah, y'know me. I like the classics. / Ebenezer: Candy? A bouquet of flowers? / Snooch: Pish tosh! / Snooch: THE LOVE OF A DEAD ROACH IS FOR EV'RYONE! / Ebenezer: No. ...also, "Pish Tosh?"
http://twolumps.net/d/20100510.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is watching television.]] / Television: Recently discovered, Tyrannobdella rex or "tyrant leech king" has eight giant teeth in its single jaw... / [[Snooch looks disgusted.]] / Television: The giant leech lives in fresh water until it has the opportunity to climb into the nose or other orifice of its victim... / [[Snooch looks horrified.]] / [[Snooch is holding a bottle of vodka. He's flat on the floor, his eyes looking in different directions, little bubbles rising from his head.]] / Snooch: Nev'r..drinkin' wat'r...again. / Ebenezer: You realize they're only in Peru, right? / Snooch: DON'T. CARE.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100512.html
Two Lumps [[Title in large letters: Tim Burton's TWO LUMPS. Ebenezer, wearing a dapper outfit with a purple bow tie and a hat with matching purple ribbon, is facing down someone in a cloak. In the background is a jumble that might be rocks and flowers.]] / Ebenezer: You stole the gooshy food. So I killed you. Now you are back for justice. I have only one question... / [[Closeup on the other figure. It is Snooch. His dark cloak is held at the collar by yellow string. He has stringy black hair, and stitch marks at his neck; he is wearing huge purple sunglasses with white frames. An earring dangles from his left ear.]] / Ebenezer: Are you a guy or a girl now? / Snooch: YES. / [[Repeat of the first panel. Neither cat speaks. Snow has begun to fall.]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20100514.html
 
Two Lumps [[Title: Dan Brown's Eben and Snooch]] / [[Snooch is wearing a collared shirt and Ebenezer a robe with priest's collar. They're looking at an assortment of fruit.]] / Snooch: At last. The tomb of Miguel Von Fruitti, deep in the catacombs under the Louvre in Venice. / Eben: The ancient scroll of Clues said to pull on the sculpture of a golden fruit that rhymes with "Montana". / Snooch: Indeed. To solve this puzzle, I must use my brain... / [[Eben looks nonplussed.]] / [[Closeup on Snooch, who has a look of intense concentration.]] / Snooch: ...my ENTIRE BRAIN...
http://twolumps.net/d/20100517.html
Two Lumps [[Title: M. Night (crossed out)Shamaly (crossed out)Shyalan Shyamalan's TWO LUMPS]] / Snooch: But how do we keep coming up with cat jokes in the comic? / Ebenezer: It's quite simple. / [[written in small letters near Eben: what a twist lol]] / Ebenezer: We really DO have secret cameras in the houses of every cat owner. / Snooch: Oh, THERE it is! I never woulda spotted it! / Ebenezer: Every. House. / Snooch: Hey, you gonna eat that?
http://twolumps.net/d/20100519.html
Two Lumps {{Title text frame}}Ang Lee Presents / Two Lumps / Snooch: I have come for the legendary Gou-Shei! / Ebenezer: You shall never have it! / [[No talking in this frame]] / Snooch: WHERE'S THAT CELLO MUSIC COMING FROM?! / Ebenezer: Landing-on-feet instinct and instinct are a disharmonious combination.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100521.html
Two Lumps [[Title: UWE BOLL'S (very small letters:)Two Lumps: (larger letters) IN THE NAME Of the Lesbeian Magic NINJA TREE]] / [[A strange finned creature, all white with veins, with an eyeball for a head is facing a flying reptile wearing a hat.]] / Creature: I am the Eyeball Demon. / Reptile: I am the dragon in a top hat. / [[The scene changes to a stream with grassy banks. On the near side stands an odd lumpy creature vaguely reminiscent of a peanut, with a pointy nose and a worried expression. On the far side is a vacuum cleaner with a mustache pasted on its front.]] / Lumpy creature: What shall we do, magic vacuum cleaner? / Vacuum cleaner: Summon the devil hamburgers. / [[Most of this panel is taken up by a big black bar; a glimpse of naked human flesh can be seen behind it. The bar says CENSORED, and underneath it says, (rude boobies)]] / [[We see Snooch and Ebenezer. Snooch is wide-eyed.]] / Snooch: Wh...What does this have to do with our comic? / Ebenezer: Cinematic fiscal loophole. / Snooch: Remind me to never smoke that stuff.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100524.html
Two Lumps [[Title: Michael Bay presents TWO LUMPS]] / [[Snooch and Eben are sitting on the couch.]] / Snooch: Knock knock! / Ebenezer: Who's th-- / [[A gigantic explosion sends the cats flying.]] / <> / [[The couch is in flames. A helicopter is visible in the background.]] / Ebenezer: They...THEY BLEW UP THE GOOSHY FOOD! / Snooch: NOOOOOO!!!
http://twolumps.net/d/20100526.html
 
Two Lumps [[Title: Frank Miller presents 2 LUMPS]] / [[We see the usual couch, but the scene is stark black and white. Snooch lies on his back in front of the couch, legs splayed out. Ebenezer is visible in silhouette in the foreground.]] / Ebenezer: He fell like a sack of meat. I won. Funny how things work out. A couple of sleeping pills and the food bowl was mine. / [[closeup on Ebenezer]] / Ebenezer: We've all done bad things. It's a cat eat cat kitchen. / [[Ebenezer contemplates the food bowl.]] / Ebenezer: A kitchen of sin. You have to get it on you to survive. And I am a sin kitty.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100528.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is lying on the couch, head and paws hanging over the edge. He looks dead.]] / [[Enter Ebenezer.]] / Ebenezer: You gonna live? / Snooch: Uuuuugh. / Ebenezer: Pretty wild party last night. / Snooch: Why is it called Memorial Day when I can't remember anything?
http://twolumps.net/d/20100531.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is sitting looking at a book. There's a blowup panel with a little arrow pointing to the book, showing us the title page. It's a complicated mathematics textbook written in Latin.]] / [[Enter Snooch, wearing sunglasses and jams.]] / Snooch: WOOHOO! Time to go to the beach! / Ebenezer: For the fifth time, the litterbox is not a beach. / Snooch: It's got sand. Shut up.
http://twolumps.net/d/20100602.html
Two Lumps [[On the right sits Ebenezer; on the left is a strange cat who is standing upright and has huge eyes.]] / Strange cat: It is time! Change over! / Ebenezer: What? / Strange cat: It is anime time! I like anime time! / [[Ebenezer is now in an upright pose like the strange cat. His eyes are slitted and his mouth wide open in an expression of disgust and anger, stylized to look like a manga expression; a giant ! sits above his head. In panel one his dialog was in his usual font, but in this panel the font matches that of the strange cat.]] / Ebenezer: Not again! / [[Ebenezer's appearance has changed to look less like a real cat (as he normally does) and more like an upright manga character. Instead of having huge eyes, though, he's wearing sunglasses. A huge sweatdrop is on his head.]] / Strange cat: Why do you hate anime time? / Ebenezer: Some guy named Nekojiru keeps bothering me. / [[Subhead: Come see us at A-Kon 21! http://a-kon.com/]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20100604.html
Two Lumps [[Title: The Adventures of Dr. Ebenezer von Moustachio and Captain "Snooch" McMonocle. Chapter 7: Industrious Innovation]] / [[long shot of an airship with fins and gears. Small figures are barely visible in a hanging gondola car with wheels. Ebenezer and Snooch can be distinguished by their usual dialog fonts.]] / Snooch: Doctor! The uniforms are complete! I have upgraded the female crew to leather corsets and brass goggles! / Ebenezer: And do the corsets have recycled gears all over them? / [[Interior of the airship. Snooch is wearing a military-style uniform with a top hat and a monocle; Ebenezer has a top hat with goggles draped over it and a waistcoat with a ruffled shirt. Both have mustaches.]] / Snooch: Yes! And the gears are powered by clockwork! / Ebenezer: Still...it's not enough, Captain. We still need...hmmm... / [[closeup on Ebenezer, same drawing as last panel enlarged and cropped.]] / Ebenezer: Captain...Fetch the Velocipedes. / [[Subtitle: Next: Into the Bowels of the Workshop]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20100607.html
 

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