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|Two Lumps||Ebenezer: The poet Carl Sandburg wrote: "The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on." / <
|Two Lumps||[Snooch on the couch grooming. Ebenezer sitting on the floor. Mom off-camera] / Mom: There you are! No, of course I don't mind watching her, she should have a lot of fun with the boys... / Ebenezer: You hear that? / Snooch: Pizza? / Ebenezer: No, you fool, it sounds like Mom's catsitting... and it's a SHE! / Mom: You said her name's Vera? Okay, you guys have fun tonight... / [Snooch laying on couch. Ebenezer on the floor in front of it grooming. Vera off-camera] / Snooch: Wait... a GIRL CAT? / Ebenezer: Indeed, my erstwhile brother. We are about to interact, no doubt, with a luscious piece of female felinity! And about time... / Vera: KITTIEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! / [Snooch sitting on the couch. Ebenezer on the floor with all his fur on end] / Snooch: She can talk? / Ebenezer: IT'S A KID, YOU IDIOT! RUN FOR IT!|
|Two Lumps||Vera: [[pointing at Ebenezer and Snooch]]: KITTIES! KITTIES! KITTY KITTY KITTY! / Ebenezer: [[fur raised]] Well, vocabulary isn't one of her strong suits... / Snooch: She's loud, Eben. / Vera: [[on couch with both cats, still pointing]]: KITTIES ONNA COUCH WIF ME! / Ebenezer: Quite loud. But also ideally suited for our needs. / Snooch: [[smiling]] What? / Ebenezer: She's a small human, not likely to trip over or step on us. She obviously adores us as the feline gods we are. AND she has opposable thumbs, capable of getting us gooshyfood... / [[Vera bouncing on the couch, tossing Ebenezer off, splayed, with Snooch in the air, paws up]] / Vera: BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY! / Ebenezer: ... as well as being made entirely of lead, it would seem... / Snooch: WEEEEEEE-HEE-HEE!|
|Two Lumps||[Vera standing next to an ottoman with a bowl of mac'n'cheese on it. Ebenezer and Snooch sitting behind her. Mom off camera.] / Mom: Here you go, Vera...mac'n'cheese! Mmm! / Vera: Noooooo! I don' wan nit! / Ebenezer: Well, it looks like the child is useless to us. What a waste. / Snooch: But bouncin' was fun! / Vera: NOOOOO! I DON' WANNIT! / Mom: Well, that's what we're having for dinner. / Ebenezer: She doesn't seem to be aware of any of our requests that humans usually understand, so I don't see any way she can help us get gooshyfood. / Snooch: Awwww... / [Vera holding upside down bowl. Mac'n'cheese on the floor in front of Ebenezer and Snooch] / Vera: YAY! KITTIEZ HAVE IT! / Ebenezer: Then again, I may be wrong. / Snooch: MANNA!|
|Two Lumps||[Vera with her back to Ebenezer and Snooch. Snooch sitting on the couch. Ebenezer on the floor in front of the couch, pawing at Vera's leg] / Ebenezer: Okay, Vera, you've proved your worth. We'd like to form a cat-child alliance. You handle the thumb-type things, like doorknobs... / Snooch: And gooshyfood! / Ebenezer: And we'll get you... well, what is it you want, anyway? Hey kid, you listening? / [Vera flailing. Snooch on the couch with his eyes wide and hair on end. Ebenezer on the floor in the same state] / Vera: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! KITTY SCRATCHID ME! KITTY BITED ME! KITTY HURTED ME!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! / Snooch: What? Who? We did? Where? / Ebenezer: GREAT JUMPING KIPPERS! / [Ebenezer and Snooch running out of the left side of the panel. Mom running into the right with arms outstreched] / Mom: How dare you attack her! When I get my hands on you two... / Snooch: FLEE WRATH OF MOM! / Ebenezer: CONSIDER THIS TRUCE OFFICIALLY VOIDED, MONKEY SPAWN!|
|Two Lumps||[Vera standing. Ebenezer and Snooch sitting facing her. Mom off-camera. Vera has a flower patch on her pant leg]
/ Mom: Okay, Vera, let me show you how to play nice with the kitties.
/ Vera: KITTIES!
/ Ebenezer: Well, at least Mom's realized that we DIDN'T attack the kid. I don't trust it, though.
/ Snooch: FLOWER! / [Vera petting Snooch. Mom and Ebenezer off-camera.]
/ Mom: See. you pet the kitty nice like this. He likes that.
/ Vera: PET KITTY!
/ Snooch: I LIKES HER IF I GETS THE PETTINS!
/ Ebenezer: I don't know. Perhaps Mom can teach her some manners and tolerability after all. / [Vera beating Snooch. Mom reaching for Vera. Ebenezer leaving the frame]
|Two Lumps||[Mom brushing Snooch. Ebenezer and Vera off-camera] / Mom: Okay, let's try this again. We brush the kitty with the soft brush, okay? GENTLY. / Vera: GENLEEEEE! / Ebenezer: I can't believe you're setting yourself up again, you crumbbrain. / Snooch: Purr. Purr. But it's the squishy brush! Can't get hurt with that! Purr. / [Ebenezer wincing. Mom, Vera and Snooch off-camera] / Mom: Now you try. Take the brush and... whatcha got, Vera? WAIT, NO-- / Vera: BWUSH KITTY!!! / Snooch: AaaaAAAAGH! / [Ebenezer and Snooch hiding under an table. Ebenezer with his front paws over his eyes, Snooch with a toothbrush in his ear. Mom off-camera] / Mom: OHMYGODOHMYGOD... Hello, Vet's Office? I need advice on a, uh, extraction... / Ebenezer: *snicker snrk* Say, old chum, did you know you have a toothbrush in your ear? / Snooch: Sorry. Can't hear you. I have a toothbrush in my ear.|
|Two Lumps||[Ebenezer laying in sunbeam. Snooch sitting next to him] / Snooch: Eben, I don't like this. Let's get back under the couch. / Ebenezer: Relax, my frazzled brother. I heard Mom saying she was putting the childling down for a nap. And any cat knows a good nap never lasts fewer than four hours, so we're perfectly safe. / Snooch: I dunno... she's not like Mom. There's somethin' not right about kids. / Ebenezer: I won't argue that point. But if you're not going to take advantage of this sunbeam-nap time, will you at least get your lard out of my light? / Snooch: But I'm not... / [Vera laying on top of Ebenezer. Snooch sitting next to them] / Vera: KITTIEZ IS PILLOW! HEE HEE! / Snooch: HOLY LEMMIN'S! / Ebenezer: grt ths thng orf me! / Snooch: HOW??? / Ebenezer: i dun cre! eet th kdd iv yu hff to!|
|Two Lumps||[Ebenezer and Snooch hiding under the couch. Vera off-camera] / Vera: KIIIITIIIEEES! I GOTS MILK FOR YOO! HEER KIIITIIIIEES! / Ebenezer: What an obvious trap. How stupid does she think we... / Snooch: oooOOOOOOoooo! / [Snooch climbing out from under the couch. Ebenezer under the couch. Vera off-camera] / Vera: YAY! HEER KITTY! / Ebenezer: Don't do it, you FOOL! / Snooch: No, she really DOES have milk! And I wannit! Yay! / [Vera emptying glass of milk over Snooch. Ebenezer still under the couch] / Vera: KITTY GOTS MILK NOW! / Ebenezer: Oh, you're going to smell lovely when that dries.|
|Two Lumps||[Vera playing in the litterbox. Snooch and Ebenezer sitting beside it] / Snooch: What's she doin'? / Vera: YAY! I PLAY INNA SANDBOX! / Ebenezer: It seems the child has mistaken our litterbox for a toy, and is busy making quite a mess. This is perfect. / Snooch: But I gotta pee... / [Vera running away. Snooch and Ebenezer sitting by the messed up litterbox.] / Vera: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE / Snooch: How long I gotta hold it? / Ebenezer: Here she comes now. / [Ebenezer and Snooch sitting by the messed up litterbox. Mom off-camera] / Mom: What the... Boys, why did you do this? / Snooch: US??? / Mom: The vet said going outside the litterbox can be a sign of digestion problems... okay guys, no more gooshyfood for you until I can take you to the vet next week. / Ebenezer: THIS.... means WAR.|
|Two Lumps||Ebenezer: Ah ha! Mom left a window open. Now's our chance to make a break for it!
/ Snooch: But Benny, it's big and scary outside. / Ebenezer: We'll just go hang out on the roof, and come back as soon as that child is gone. Now, your weight should be more than ample to knock out that screen if you throw yourself against it.
/ Snooch: Roger! / [[Snooch crashes headfirst into the wall under the window.]]
|Two Lumps||[[Snooch repeatedly hurling himself into the wall under the window.]]
/ Ebenezer: Oh, quit mauling the wall, you heap. I'll do it.
|Two Lumps||[Night. Snooch and Ebenezer running in front of the couch from left of panel to the right] / <*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*> / Ebenezer: Quick! This is our chance to make a break for it! ESCAPE THE CHILD! / Snooch: RUNNING RUNNING / [Ebenezer and Snooch stopped in front of the door. Ebenezer has an exclamation point over his head, Snooch a question mark. Outside the door there are trick-or-treaters] / Kids: TRICK OR TR... / [Night. Snooch and Ebenezer running in front of the couch from right of panel to the left] / Kids: KITTIES! KITTY KITTIES! KITTIES! / Ebenezer: It's an invasion! RETREAT! / Snooch: FLEEING FLEEING FLE|
|Two Lumps||[[Eben and Snooch sitting next to a cake with a "100" candle on top]] / Ebenezer: Some of you humans might wonder what goes into a cake made for cats. / Snooch: Ooooooooo! I smell tuna fish! / Ebenezer: It is best not to ask. / Subscript: 100th strip! Thanks, and keep reading!|
|Two Lumps||[Snooch stretched out on his side with his tongue hanging out over an American flag] / Text: Making America more OBESE / Text: VOTE SNOOCH!|
|Two Lumps||[Mom standing next to the couch. Ebenezer and Snooch hiding under the couch] / Mom: Guys? Vera's gone home, you can come out now... / Snooch: It's safe now? / Ebenezer: In theory. But making her worry for a little while is the second half of her recompense for foisting that child on us. / [Ebenezer and Snooch hiding under the couch] / Snooch: What's the first part? / Ebenezer: I thought apt payment would be all of her cashmere sweaters. / Snooch: Wow, she just gave 'em all to you? / Ebenezer: Well, I wouldn't say "gave", but her entire dry-cleaning hamper is now definitely Mine. / [Ebenezer and Snooch hiding under the couch. Mom off-camera] / Mom: WHAT is that SMELL? AAAAAAUGH! / Ebenezer: Another reason we should stay under here for a little while longer.|
|Two Lumps||[Ebenezer sitting on bathroom counter watching something off-camera. Mom off-camera] / Mom: La la lee lee da dumm... / [Ebenezer sitting on bathroom counter, facing the camera] / Ebenezer: I still don't get it. You have no hair to lick in the shower, so you use foamy fake spit?|
|Two Lumps||Ebenezer: Hear the griping of MEER - Piercing meer! / What a world of misery we portray for you here! / How we whine, whine, whine, / In the living room at night! / While we deny that we are fine / And on the gooshyfood must dine, / As is our true feline right; / And we kvetch, kvetch, kvetch, / That our dinner you must fetch, / With the cacophonic chaos that all cat owners must fear, / From the... / Snooch: MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! / Ebenezer: From the whining and the griping of the MEER. / Ebenezer: Hear the never-ending meer, Grating meer! / What a tale of starvation its raucous tones make clear! / Through the balmy darkened air / How they ring out their despair! / From the deadened-leaden notes, / And off-key, / What a scathing howling floats / To Mom's ears buried 'neath pillows, it denotes: / Let me be! / Under bedroom door so near, / What a gush of annoyance inhabitants must hear! / How we sneer! / How they fear / That their rest is thwarted here By our perseverance sheer / To the: / Snooch: MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! MEER! M... / Mom: IT'S THREE IN THE ^@#$ING MORNING, YOU OBESE MEATLOAVES! YOU DO NOT NEED GOOSHYFOOD! / Ebenezer: Nobody appreciates the classics anymore.|
|Two Lumps||[[Mom sits on couch. Snooch is sitting in front of her, looking forlorn.]]
|Two Lumps||[Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of the couch. Mom walking by. Snooch freaking out] / Snooch: Oh no! She's got the cat carrier! We have to go back to the vet! AAAAAAAAAA! / Ebenezer: That's not the cat carrier, Snooch. Our carrier is smaller than that. Calm down already. / [Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of the couch. Mom walking by. Snooch freaking out] / Snooch: Bigger... it's LUGGAGE! She's goin' away again! Mom's gonna leave us all ALONE! AAAAAAAA! / Ebenezer: It's not luggage either, you... for Bast's sake, she's doing LAUNDRY. Did you get into the catnip again? / [Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of the couch. Snooch freaking out. Ebenezer facing the camera.] / Snooch: Laundry... washin' things... SHE'S GONNA GIVE US A BATH! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! / Ebenezer: Is there a doctor in the house?|
|Two Lumps||Ebenezer: All right, you've been acting like even more of a brain-damaged spaz than normal. WHAT on cat-given Earth is eating you? / Snooch: I... I was watchin' the TV and I saw this scary movie. / Ebenezer: Do tell. / Snooch: an' they got abandoned and sad an' it was HORRIBLE! / Ebenezer: "The Incredible Journey"? Snooch, that's got a HAPPY ending. It's an epic voyage through the wilderness to get home... it's INSPIRING. Why are you so freaked? / Snooch: Eben, I can't even make it across the living room! / Ebenezer: Good point. But on a brighter note, you'd feed a family of badgers for a month.|
|Two Lumps||[Snooch lying on the window sill. Ebenezer sitting on the floor nearby]
/ Snooch: Purr. Purr. Purr. Nice cool breeze. I'm so glad summer's finally over.
/ Ebenezer: Ah, Snooch... You do realize we're in Texas, right? / [Lightning bolt outside window. Snooch flying backward with all his hair on end]
|Two Lumps||[Ebenezer reading a letter] / Ebenezer: Mom got a letter from the vet. I'm making sure it gets "lost" if they say we're due for any unpleasant procedures. Let's see... "Dear Cat Owner, blah blah blah, we would like to discuss with you a new checkup regimen as our records show Ebenezer and Snooch are now senior felines..." WHAT!? / Snooch: HEE HEE! / [Ebenezer glaring at Snooch who is wearing a sombrero and has a maraca in his mouth] / Ebenezer: What in Bast's name... / Snooch: CALLETE! YO SOY SENOR GATO! / Ebenezer: I suppose I should take comfort in that you've already gotten both our shares of Alzheimer's.|
|Two Lumps||[[The cats on the couch.]] / Mom: Hey boys, I'm home from the store! *slam* / Eben: Egads, that's a lot of food. I'm amazed she carried all of that. / Snooch: FOOD FOOD FOOD OH BOY OH BOY FOODY FOOD FOOD! / Eben: Down, Snooch. / [[Cats in the kitchen, staring at frozen turkey.]] / Eben: Ah, it's THAT time of year again. That explains the masses of groceries. / Snooch: IT'S AS BIG AS ME! / Eben: Probably so there is no way you can cram it in your mouth. / [[Snooch opens mouth to attempt to eat frozen turkey.]] / Snooch: Aha! A CHALLENGE! / Eben: I'm getting a video camera for this.|
|Two Lumps||[Snooch is sitting next to the recently-devoured turkey on the counter, while Ebeneezer looks off-camera left in fear] / Mom: [off camera] What's that noise? You boys had better not be messing with the turkey... / Snooch: WE'RE DOOMED! / Ebeneezer: I've got a plan that should buy us some time. I'll get the lights... you take a bath. / [Ebenezer turns off the lights, and the silhouette of the grooming Snooch looks like the turkey] / Mom: Huh... I guess it wasn't them. Maybe it came from the living room... / [Ebeneezer turns the lights back on, though Snooch remains stuck] / Ebeneezer: That should hold her long enough for me to come up with a plan. / Snooch: Uh, Eben? I think I'm stuck... / Ebeneezer: Then that will keep YOU out of my way. This gets better and better.|
|Two Lumps||[Ebeneezer sits by the turkey carcass as Snooch hacks up a hairball off camera] / Snooch: [off-camera] *hack blarg flug* / Mom: [off-camera] Oh Snooch, no! / Ebeneezer: There's the distraction... I'll have to be quick. / [Snooch watches from the floor as Ebeneezer puts the final touches on a fake turkey] / Snooch: Mom's almost finished with the hairball. / Ebeneezer: Good timing. We're done here. / Snooch: WOW! How did you-- / Ebeneezer: Not now, we've got to get out, quick! / [Snooch and Ebeneezer are sitting by the couch] / Snooch: Where did you get another turkey? / Ebeneezer: I sculpted a new one out of your share of next month's gooshyfood. / Mom: [off-camera] WHAT THE... AAAAUGH! / Snooch: NOOOOOOOO!|
|Two Lumps||The fearsome jungle cat stalks through the foliage. / Truly this magnificent creature is king of all he surveys. / He approaches his personal watering hole, and is aghast! Some foreign creature has dared to sully his royal sanctuary! The noble animal is rightly outraged! / Don't give me that look, cat. This is MY bathroom. You can just deal with it. / The mighty panther is irked at the violation of his peaceful drinking experience. He plans his revenge.|
|Two Lumps||[[Two life-like tigers are pictured, looking outward menacingly]] / Eben: The fierce jungle felines stalk their natural prey through the dense foliage. They are wily and fearsome. / Snooch: RARR! / [[A life-like tiger is on a grassy plain, stalking a smaller animal]] / Eben: They spot their natural prey of the plains, and spring! The poor flatlands creature has no chance to escape! / Snooch: GRR! / [[Eben and Snooch are shown with a torn pink bunny slipper in front of them both]] / Eben: There, now don't you feel ferocious? Validated in your felinity? / Snooch: Hmmmmm. No.|
|Two Lumps||[Snooch and Ebeneezer are lying on the couch] / Ebeneezer: So, now that you've channeled your Inner Ocelot, don't you feel more centered? / Snooch: I guess so... feelin' sleepy. / [Snooch rolls over, while Ebeneezer settles down for a nap] / Ebeneezer: That's good. Your inner hunter is sated from the slaughter. Revel in it. We are mighty hunters, nothing can disturb us now in our claimed lands. / Snooch: Mmmm... nap sounds good. I'm with that. / SFX: KNOCK KNOCK / [Ebeneezer goes wide-eyed with fear] / Mom: Mom! Dad! What a... er, surprise! / Grandma: Hi Honey! Since you couldn't fly home for the holidays we decided to drop in... have you met a man? Any grandchildren in the works? / Ebeneezer: Wuh-oh. / Snooch: Uh...|
|Two Lumps||[[Snooch and Ebeneezer are sitting in front of the television. Ebeneezer is using the controller.]] / Snooch: Whatcha playi.... Oooooooo! Mousies! / Ebeneezer: No, not mice. Lemmings. It's an old game. I have to kill or not kill these rodents as the situation warrants. / Snooch: I'm gonna play with them too! / Ebeneezer: Oh? / [[Snooch dives headfirst into the vcr, hitting his head]] / Ebeneezer: You... are a dork.|
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